No contact brings clarity and the picture opens up wide. I am now a year and 5 months into no contact with my most of my family. I added one aunt, and a cousin two months ago and another one is teetering on being added to the list--I am avoiding him purposefully already not writing or calling. It is shocking how many I have walked away from. I know it is so many.
Solitude and being alone is better then being around people who put me down or make me feel the way these people did. This is a giant leap for me, because for years, I would take all comers, desperate for any love or attention I could find. My No Contact is impacting other relationships and changing dynamics all over the place. The worse outcome of narcissistic parents is that starvation for love. I refuse to scramble for crumbs. This is leaving a place for better people to come into my life.
Scapegoat ACONs are like starving beggars tossed out in the world like the Match-girl in Dickens, begging for a penny of love from the world. All this does is set one up for the predators. It leaves the scapegoat prone for abuse. I kept all my final emails to the family, the last 5 years of them or so, and their cold shoulders stand out, while my entire stance is "Let's make this right"! until the final NC letters where I cut my losses and walk. I can tell they were set up to treat me like yesterday's trash and not one had a prick of conscience about any of it. My own conscience is clear in this matter, I tried far longer then I should have.
Inside I have some strange emotions, that may be for the therapists to deal with. The grief of realizing I never had a family in the way that counted. The realization that the people standing with the names "Aunt", "Sister", "Mother", "Father" are and were all complete strangers to me and asking myself how did that happen? I have friends I love and who love me and several of us tell each other directly but how did love never exist in these familial relationships? How was I able to find love in a romantic relationship, one people comment on as being strongly bonded despite our many troubles and have 20 years with the same person and come staggering out of a cold family like this? How were the doors of the heart closed from the start?
For years I tried to make things RIGHT with people who were ALL WRONG.
My husband's opinion of them? "They are not a family but selfish people with selfish desires."
I also have changed my thinking in that I let this group of people [younger family members and some cousins exempted] judge me horribly for years, thinking I was a bad person, when in reality, the bad people standing in the room was NOT ME but THEM. Being away for a year and 5 months, the picture has come finally into focus and it's like seeing through the glass darkly......
I woke up. See verse 20 of Psalm 73
3For I was envious at the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4For there are no bands in their death: but their strength is firm.
5They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men.
6Therefore pride compasseth them about as a chain; violence covereth them as a garment.
7Their eyes stand out with fatness: they have more than heart could wish.
8They are corrupt, and speak wickedly concerning oppression: they speak loftily.
9They set their mouth against the heavens, and their tongue walketh through the earth.
10Therefore his people return hither: and waters of a full cup are wrung out to them.
11And they say, How doth God know? and is there knowledge in the most High?
12Behold, these are the ungodly, who prosper in the world; they increase in riches.
13Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocency.
14For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning.
15If I say, I will speak thus; behold, I should offend against the generation of thy children.
16When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me;
17Until I went into the sanctuary of God; then understood I their end.
18Surely thou didst set them in slippery places: thou castedst them down into destruction.
19How are they brought into desolation, as in a moment! they are utterly consumed with terrors.
20As a dream when one awaketh; so, O Lord, when thou awakest, thou shalt despise their image.
21Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins.
22So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee.
23Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
24Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.
25Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever
No one on this earth is perfect, we all face our own sins, trust me I have plenty of faults. Every human being has foibles, including people we love, but with the family members so many had cross the realm into flat out wickedness and being given over to, it was astounding. I won't detail sins by individuals here but in one general list that will give you some idea.
I have faced the facts, my entire life was based on different values then that of my family even before I became a Christian. For years, I made too many excuses for base behaviors since they had me so convinced I was a "bad" person and so "wrong". Add to this being told I was a failure and no good for being poor for years and years. See verse 12 "Behold, these are the ungodly, who prosper in the world; they increase in riches." That definitely applies to my family. Because I fell flat on the dollar and cents, they deemed me worthy of being thrown away. I know part of me didn't want to face what they were for many years. I wanted someone who was good, kind and nice. Part of growth is dealing with what IS not what we want things or people to be.
The scripture above was read in my church a few weeks ago and it hit me like a freight train. I had just hours before prayed to God to set me free from the condemnation, the no contact guilt, the unease I felt at walking away, and their programming. For some reason, I had woke up that morning feeling more sad then usual, thinking I had ruined my life because I had no family anymore, and I prayed to God directly, "Show me what the truth is here".
I no longer wanted to wake up with their shrill voices in my head any longer calling me a loser. I no longer wanted to wake up in the morning with their judgment throttling me around the neck. A black cloud that never let me go for so long finally disappearing. Now the fog has completely cleared out of the room and what did I see in my family for years and years? Who were they really?
The fact is they weren't very nice people.
Here is the list of the things that applied to them. A few of these items will only apply to one or two but some on the list apply to all.
Abusive to Children [well in my case when I was growing up obviously]
Lack of Sexual Morality/Promiscuous
Hatred of the Poor [not me but others and strangers]
Visiting Strip Clubs
Lack of intellect
Drugs/Alcoholism/Substance Abuse/ Prescription Drug Abuse
Lack of Mercy for the ill [not me but others]
Focus on Appearances
Other misdeeds I'd rather not list here....
And these people judged me because I had less money and serious chronic health problems? And I reject all of the above and always have. Who do they think they are? Money doesn't mean any class. Money doesn't buy a brain or a heart. I spent my whole life being judged by these sorts and now I am looking back with clear eyes. Seeing them for who they really are. Realizing who I am compared to them. Realizing I am a decent person who was abused by wicked people.
There's a reason I never fit in for a good reason. No Contact will bring this clarity. I know often I wanted them to be people they really were not. I wanted love and kindness out of those who had none. Facing the truth is not always easy but a part of healing. The fact remains is I have come crawling out of a "family" with no ethics or morals and little goodness. Goodness is what I have seeked and they didn't have it.