I'm working on some new social connections and have focused on the disability community as of late to do so and other avenues. I've lowered the pressure on myself to "make friends" which is not always easy for Aspies and just enjoying activities for their own sake but have met some new friendly people. A lot of my time is spent with husband so in that I am not "lonely" but feel some new connections would add to both our lives.
In my old town, I was fortunate there, I encountered only a few narcissists but was not close to them so I was not hurt. Most of my friends there were older people, people from an anti-war group I was in, and co-op bookstore and church folks. Being burned by some narcissists one wants to avoid them. One big important red flag mentioned on my blog before, is the question..."Do they ever show vulnerability?" The narrator is right that they rely on feeling special instead of depending on people.
This video mentions that and I think it is good way to ferret out narcissists. Narcissists never want admit mistakes, or any sad or vulnerable feelings. Now some people may be shy and take time to open up to these things but one thing to be noticed about narcissists is how they always desire the "power" position. This ties into a second red flag to be warned of, we need to avoid people who do nothing but criticize, criticism of others to me is a sign of a narcissist that in putting others down, it is to build themselves up.
The warning about being put on pedestals is a good thing too. Some of us would refer to this as the love-bombing stage. This happened to me with the catfisher and spy. I should have listened to my intuition that told me she was saying overly loving things when she did not know me very well yet. We don't want to be put on a pedestal because usually later they will knock you off hard, and tell you that you are the worse person on the planet.
Mirroring is another red flag to watch out for.
"if someone is going to feel special by putting you down, ...that's going to erode your self esteem".
I think its great that you are working on making social connections, I know for me I get very lonely and I need people, on my terms. I find it difficult, there are narcs everywhere, and there is no escaping them. I know some narcs, and its ok, as long as they are not targeting me, I'm fine. I stay away from them quite easily.
ReplyDeleteI want to get out tonight, to get away from the DH, we are not seeing eye to eye on the SIL thing, and I'm keeping away from him. I used to go to the bible study, and there is one woman there, who is so super narc, its downright scary. She does not target me, so I'm safe from her. So I'm going out tonight. I see her and I get a tight feeling that is in my chest, and I can barely move.
Another one in my sewing guild, she almost targeted me, and one time she almost called me an imbecile, but she stopped herself, and said, "imbe...". I swear there is someone in her life she calls that name to all the time. I will bet on it, so sure.
So, it is good that you put this up. In order to get out once in a while, we need these things. Thanks. I'll be referring to this now and again.
Thanks Joan, I am trying to make some social connections, for now I am keeping it "light" and enjoyable. I am trying to change some of my approaches, I definitely am keeping my mouth shut about family and when I go to these things, I just want to partake in the activities and listen to the stories of others though I am participating. I need some social interaction even being an Aspie. At least now I will feel more part of the community. I can deal with some narcs, I have seen some where if they are polite to me, it's no biggie. Not being that close to them, one can deal with them on a surface level. It's when you get close to a narc or they are close to others you are close to you have to watch out.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are taking a break from your DH, and trying to take time for yourself. I am glad that one bible study narc dos not target you. Hopefully you can keep her away from you. With the sewing guild narc freeze her out too.
I know I have to remind myself of these things to gear my mind. I got burned really badly over the last year with narcissists, and it was hard since I was escaping the family narcissists. I have different expectations of treatment too, and not willing to put up with things I used to. If someone criticized my bad housekeeping, the me of today would throw them out. Many disabled people are "bad housekeepers". Lipedema gives you pain, so of course you are not good at cleaning. I'm in bed today from being very active yesterday.
I want the nice sweet people around me too. I have always known nice people but I have confronted myself to ask how and why all these narcissists were getting in and the vulnerability test became a big test for me over the last year even before this video, and I am glad they mentioned it.
Yes there are a lot of narcs out there, but here we can give time and attention to other good and decent people and I know I will waste less time on toxic people.
Excellent blog site with well written informative and honest articles. Slowly working my way through the each post.
ReplyDeleteThanks Alice :) I want to check out your book too.
DeleteAbout two months into searching the internet and combing all the personality disordered web sights I figured out my mother has every single aberrant sign of being a cluster-b personality. The only thing she doesn't get around to is they say some are workaholics. My mother might have been the laziest person on the planet if not for her zeal in destroying other peoples lives.
ReplyDeleteI think yours was on the histrionic wing, they are less apt to be workaholics and are more on the parasitical wing of things rather then the sociopaths who make the appearance really of working hard. Yes she sounds like she was totally lazy but with most energy devoted to destroying people.
DeleteIn your quest to find replacement friends to enrich your life, be mindful of those that get too cozy, too soon. I hear Sociopaths like to tell you everything about themselves to force a sense of camaraderie where none really exists. I know of do the same thing but it is not to horn in on people. Its my real story and I would be remiss as a blogger to sugar coat it.
ReplyDeleteYes the catfish did that to me, and got cozy way too soon. I have to be careful of those who tell me they share things in common, sociopaths love to MIRROR. Big mistake. I agree they will talk about themselves and then get annoyed when you share things in return. Yes your story is real. One thing with sociopaths even if they share really bad stuff, they never display vulnerability, they always "grew" or came out more "empowered" or "on top" or talk of vague concepts of love, compassion and recovery while understanding none of it.
DeleteThank you so much. I can relate so much.
ReplyDeletewww.comingoutfromthedark.wordpress.com
Thanks Mandy Martin, I will check out your website too. :)
DeleteThere are some people that others seem to have great reverence for and love, so they say, then they do everything they can to stay away from them themselves. I find this to be true of the worst sociopaths. Everyone has got something sweet to say of this person, even though you are not wanting or caring to hear it. I have a theory. I think its because regular people can't understand pure evil, it just simply doesn't gel with them, they don't get it, and as soon as the evil person does something nice, even a small nice thing, everyone is relieved, their brain works again. And they go overboard saying that is one heck of a nice person.
ReplyDeleteI've seen this in every group I've been in. We have one woman who works at the food bank and she is so rude at times, but she gets off by saying she didn't mean it that way, and you can see the regular people sucking back air, in relief. Now, if I tried that, no way. But they do it all the time.
I have noticed is people seem to love the malignant narcissists and sociopaths the most. It seems charisma only explains some of this and even the fear factor doesn't seem to explain it all to me. I think too people look for the small crumbs of niceness and their brains are happier to ignore the evil right in front of them. Every time a narc shows up, it seems groups are kissing their butt. The group dynamics scare me. It's not just my family I see acting this way but Ive seen it on smaller levels. Yeah how do they get away with things? It's like just being nice makes you a target or something and because they are "bitches", people are jumping up and down for the nice crumbs. [hate to use that word but is the best one to describe the idea]
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