I asked a cousin, if they ever had a memorial service for Aunt Scapegoat. He said "No, not yet!" Then I guess he went running to the narcissists, and asked if there was going to be one. He comes back and tells me a certain day in the middle of June. [A time I'd probably be housebound if I was crazy enough to go] with the location to be announced.
I couldn't help myself and said in the private message, "Notice they planned it just because you asked!" He most likely won't respond to that. I told him I wouldn't be able to go and to take care. He probably doesn't realize I'm done with him for good now too. Curiosity got me, and should have just kept my mouth shut. One thing I notice about my family is none of them have any emotions. I am not imagining the way this cousin treats me in a hands-off manner either. It is a waste of my time to talk to any of them ever again. I feel "slimed" even by the most extended relative.
Your cousin has been around with people who treated you like a second class citizen. I had people who treated me as one their lower priority people because I never have been perfect or one of their important people. I hope over the time with your NC, you will feel less attached and emotionally involved with these people. I got rid of my main narcs and their enablers 26 years ago, so I did not meet young adults who had been born since I went NC. Sorry you were in contact with your narc mother and your narc relatives too long. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI should have not talked to him to even ask out of curiosity. I have not been talking to any of the family even extended cousins for several months since brother informed me of Aunt Scapegoat's death in Feb. I definitely am a lower priority person and a second class citizen, and he treated me the same way even in his reluctance to talk and the closed way of responding. Why would I go to these family events when I am treated like scum?
DeleteI hope I will be less emotionally involved too. I suppose it has been a process. My NC is hardened up with NM and main narcs but now I am realizing I can't have any contact with the cousins and others under their sway as well. I had the dream of hoping to keep some connection in the family and that was ruined. Even the way he went running to the narcissists is disturbing. It had to be my mother since she is seen as the "one in charge" of planning things. I wish I had kept my earlier NC and I had contact way too long. Thanks for your prayers. Even the briefest of contact with one of them makes me feel bad. I wish curiosity had not gotten me to say anything.
When I talked to my aunt, she asked me to meet her at a restaurant, and I asked for more family pictures, the older ones, grandmother and grandfather pictures, she would get them made up. Again, I am to meet her in the restaurant. Not in her home, and this makes me feel like I'm toxic or dangerous to her. I've made up my mind, though, they don't trust me. And don't trust me? Why? Does she think I'll come carrying a weapon or something. I mean it just feels awful.
ReplyDeleteIf your foo won't make any effort to at least try to be kind and give your aunt a memorial, doesn't that say a lot? Its creepy to say the least. I mean, its all on them.
That aunt refused right and you never saw one picture? I remember my own picture refusal with an aunt. Yeah she is meeting you in restaurant like you are dangerous. Yeah with this cousin and his brothers I could tell I was being talked to like I was a "nobody". The narcs fill their heads with so much garbage and I noticed how he was brainwashed to go running to the Borg leaders. It is creepy. I am sure something "will come up" even for this date since the location wasn't even chosen. He called and they looked at calendar and drew it out of a hat. Its 4-5 months later. It is total creepiness. Of course I'm not going. It tells you what a "priority" she was doesn't it?
DeleteI got some pictures. My sister got all the rest. I asked for more, and more will be made. Its difficult being treated like I'm a threat. She kept telling me over and over that mother had a lot of love and just didn't know how to show it. I guess that's the gist of it with malignant narcissists. They don't know how to show love, but they can show anger, jealousy, revenge, destruction, etc. They are dangerous down to their core, and you have to forget that, and believe otherwise, even if your life depends on it.
DeleteIts probably the same way with all of us, that's why we have to lock on to reality, and hold it tight. I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this and I know its terrible, tough.
Losing the pictures for me is hard. I asked brother to get me some on next visit, but of course I was ignored, I am always ignored. I even considered offering her money to get all the pictures of me and she can eradicate me from the family photos but I never had the money and didn't want to break NC. It's separation from all those memories that sucks you know. I got the they love you line but can't show it BS too. Even as she was glaring at me with disgust. I'm done with them all. I have to give up. They are all dead inside even this cousin.
DeleteThis stuff really plays in our heads. This is why we can continue to be treated badly and we have a hard time decifering good treatment from bad. I have a hard time, my aunt made me feel like I was a criminal, and when a friend invites me to her home, for instance, I feel low down and despicable, not worthy. Ugh, I am paying one hell of a big price for those pictures, even if she is not charging me. They are not even worth having in our lives, I know you want those memories I do to, but its making me feel like a dog. So I know.
DeleteI have no way to get any pictures, I have a few pictures but very few in number, of me as a kid. I wish I could remember some things now, if that makes sense. Sorry your aunt treated you like a criminal. I know I was always treated like low down scum and a worm on the sidewalk. Sorry you feel unworthy. I don't visit many people's homes. I used to befriend Silent Generation people in my old rural town and they were always welcoming, but I just haven't felt the same visiting anyone's home here. My class divisions are too wide, I also get scared to sit on their furniture, my clothes are okay. I allow this one older friend to visit me, she doesn't make me feel judged on the housework or anything and is nice. However I've been through the mill as you saw with the projects. Yeah you paid for those pictures. They make people pay for everything. I know will I want the pictures later so think about those things. I don't want to talk to people who make me feel so low and we should try to stay away from them as much as possible. {NC etc}
DeleteUsed to visit church member's houses too, but this was a country rural small church where things were done very differently.
DeleteWe have a country church too. Nice quiet living, and I feel like a fraud, lol.
DeleteI went to a country church and those people were nice and actually talked to me unlike the last one though I was higher status with my husband working for the newspaper and everyone reading his articles every day. I still didn't fit in. They had money for all these vacations and white picket fence homes, it just got harder and harder. I felt like a fraud too, like God had denied my white picket fence life because I had been too evil or something.
DeleteIt's hard to stay no contact when your vulnerable and don't have a family of your own. Don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteI just had 2 narcs from the family try to contact me. I was tempted to talk to my brother. Deeper emotions can get to you.
Stay strong. Don't let them bug you. Think of all the good things about yourself. Write them down if you have to. Like your a good writer. Having a blog is hard and an accomplishment. Don't let them drag you down to their view of you even in your head.
Thanks, it is hard when you feel vulnerable. I have had sad feelings of grieving and disappointment that they are all so much the same. I know chances are I am not really related to them anyhow or only half anyhow. Thanks for telling me not to beat myself up. I think this told me to stay away from anyone in contact with my mother, there will be "sliming" and invalidation no matter how extended of a relative. If they talk to her, the well is poisoned to the max. Yes I can understand you being tempted to talk to your brother. These people have no emotions and that's what gets me about them. Thanks for saying to think of good stuff about myself and for saying I am a good writer. Yeah I need to get away from their view of me in my head. Yes for the sake of my own peace and well-being this is good advice Thanks :)
DeleteDear Peeps and Friends, I went to a "funeral" that was dominated by narcs (3 of 'em) . Wanted to ask where the fancy friends were, but of course that would have been rude. Was the most depressing excuse-of-a-funeral I had ever attended. Two of the three narcs had their winged-monkey spouses with them. A total of seven in attendance. No emotion, no prayers, no nuthin - even the staff who sees all kinds, were taken aback by the coldness of those certain creeps. Yep, low/no contact ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry you had to deal with three narcs at a funeral. if I went to Aunt Scapegoat's I would have quit a few too. Sorry the funeral was so depressing. I still think this one isn't happening. You could tell it is reluctance. 4-5 months after the fact is weird too. 7 isn't very many people. Sigh. I am sure in our society now people are dying where there's only 1 or 2 there. Yeah the staff had to be alarmed. I am sure they were.
DeleteDear Peeps and Friends, cremations are understandable when the family has no money for funerals, but i've been to several cremation ceremonies where money wasn't a problem. Read a post where the mother (probably not a narc) was cremated, and none of the kids wanted the urn - it probably ended up in one of the kids' closet, behind some forgotten boots / rusty tools.
ReplyDeleteSure most people in my soci-economic class have no other options but to cremate. I guess it is more widespread now too. I agree some may not want the urn out of uncomfortableness rather then ill feelings towards the deceased.
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