Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Narcissism You Can't Change Third Parties
"Knock them out of your life" "They are not going to change, They aren't going to believe you"
He is right about the flying monkeys and the narcissist's allies are bad for us. I am glad he admits this is a tough stage and you have to let people go. I'm glad he brings up the trust issues too. It is a rough one. This no contact stuff can be multi-layered. I went NC with the main narcissists in June of 2013, and I walked away from the rest of the family recently--some in the last few months and a final few in the last couple of weeks including "Betsy" the family friend.
This video made me feel "less crazy" in having to unload so many people and walk away from them. Recently I have been very upset because the numbers hit 40 people, and I kept wondering if I was insane. These were all people my mother knows outside of a few of the narcissist project friendships. The concept of unconditional friendship too is an important reminder to me too. I got stuck with too many toxic people who treated me the same as my family like I had to prove myself to them.
"If they don't believe you they aren't worth your time, you deserve the peace of unconditional friendships".
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I've started this comment about 3 times wondering if they create their tapestry of lies by design or if they instinctual dove tail it all together and I was listening to his words and thought who cares? Normal people will never know what goes on in their minds because they might as well be from another planet. Or as I like to say "you can't get there from here" so why try?
ReplyDeleteI agree we can never know how their minds work. I think they design it all but with enough decades of practice it becomes instinctual, in other words they aren't having to think about it as much. I tried to think like they do and couldn't even do it even to try and calculate the motives, waste of time. Empty shells inside.
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VatKnr3eD5s
ReplyDeleteI think this is the one he made on the trust issues, that he talked about in this video.
I feel frustrated, I can't get through to anyone, I don't think I can have even have a friend at the capacity mentioned in the video. There is no one who will understand.
Thanks for sharing that with me Joan. I want to watch his trust series. He is hitting home with many of the issues he is bringing up. Get smacked enough times for showing happiness, it is training that is hard to overcome. I think he is right about the trust issues. I know I need to avoid the be positive or else toxics like the troll and ex friend that shows up here, but I am asking myself how life can be made happier. My narcs too would pop my balloon everytime I dared to show any happiness.
DeleteI agree about not being able to get through to anyone. Its hard people seem far more shut down to me, sometimes I am the one smiling and happier and then they bum me out because I feel like I am talking to a close down wall. I'm not sure how to solve some of this stuff. People sure seem different now. I have a few unconditional friends but they are rare. Definitely I have gotten away from the ones imposing endless conditions.
I know any happiness from me made my mother very paranoid. So when I grew up and people called me very negative, it makes sense.
DeleteI have this one friend who I am sure would never be a third party or a flying monkey, never but I could never talk about this stuff to, she will tell me I am wrong, she will not validate me. I threw some crumbs out there, and it did not go over well.
I had people call me very negative. I find them toxic. Is that anyway to make someone more positive? I wasn't allowed to be happy growing up. If I laughed I would be smacked. Happiness is anger fuel to narcissists. I wonder about the people who go around yelling at people for being negative. How happy are they? Some were big fakes, laughing, and then you laughing too and even then would still yell at you for being negative. Nothing was ever good enough.
DeleteI tire of the be positive stuff, but do think we need to seek balance for ourselves. One thing being around narcs they are always mad. You get scared to be happy because they are going to destroy it. I used to during happier times worry about the other foot dropping. Being around narcissists will do that. I think even the being caught unawares and the PTSD from this, where you are happy as a lark, and the slap comes from nowhere, also trains us for negativity. I know I had this thing in my mind where if I didn't worry about it or watch out for it, it was going to happen to me. Well that happened so much.
Yeah I have friends this is a side of life never discussed. I know it upsets them. Some have dead mothers and think I'm a horrible person for willfully ignoring mine. Really only other ACONs get it, and a few Aspies. This is not normal people land stuff. The invalidation can hurt, I know it. I am glad she never would be a flying monkey or third party at least.
I have to admit, I'm a little resentful over him calling them third parties. That's assuming that I'm the first party, when I had nothing to do with it. No I never did. And come to think of it, aren't the flying monkeys and the so called third parties the actual bullies? Thinking back to high school, there was only one narc who could start a gang warfare against me, It seems like it was never the narc I had to worry about.
ReplyDeleteI talked about a wife and mother in another blog, someone my mother attacked. And this time my mother was not able to gather her monkeys together to aid in the attack of this woman, it all came apart. I think this happens very rarely, but I was only little then, but I remember.
I think for the most part it is the monkeys. Mind you narcs are dangerous just like he says they are, but they don't have any power without the monkeys.
Yeah the term is limited but think third party just describes they know us both, the narc and us. Often the flying monkeys and third parties are sent to do the enforcer and bully work. You are right about that. Yes very rarely the monkeys may say no to a narc but it is rare. The monkeys and enablers give them all their power, they help grow them into the monsters they are.
Deletewow on these trust videos. This is a very good one: I am dealing with many of these issues especially after the huge betrayals with the catfish and others...
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E4MEHnN6u8
Interesting quotes:
Deletecatsalive13 months ago (edited)
Those of us who have gone NO CONTACT years ago are probably lonely and don't kid yourself if you don't know that the narc/socio/psycho is not immensely enjoying your loneliness Don't let them know where you are. They would enjoy any suffering you are going through. That is their food. They are demons or a sub human species despite your being no contact. .One eye always open.
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Ludmil Ivanov
Ludmil Ivanov3 months ago
+catsalive1 "enjoying your loneliness". This was a big one for me. For so many years I wondered "don't they see how I'm being left completely isolated, aren't they concerned how this hurts me?" Now I know this was the goal, being starved for attention can pretty much destroy any confidence, motivation and drive to be independent and successful. We all need some social validation, the narcissist knows how to hit where it hurts.
I keep watching as the number of narcissism channels on you tube gets larger and larger. And more and more people dedicate their whole blogs to discussing these freaks. That alone lets me know I am a part of a huge disenfranchised part of society. There is strength in numbers and I say keep putting it out there until the person out there that thinks he is alone knows better. Keep putting it out there until these guys are forced to feel shame for the way they destroy people and families. Keep putting it out there until people know that we are not doing this for our health. If I could blog about picnics at the beach I would, but for now I feel it is incumbent on me/us to get the word out. I am listening to the link Joan put up and I feel empowered by this guys words.
ReplyDeletePeople know it is getting worse and lives are being destroyed. Religious people would talk about the bible prophecy of people waxing cold coming true. I believe narcissism and sociopath in society are growing, and things have changed during our life times. I found out what to do from narcissism blogs, I found the tennis lady who died blog, narcissists suck and also house of mirrors some years ago. I didn't even know what I was dealing with until I found the ACON world online. It spelled it all out and I still remember the days of shock. With this I do think we have a mission to fulfil in warning others, at least it can bring some meaning to all the pain and loss. I wish I could blog about picnics and nice vacations too, it is incumbent on us to get the word out. Don't miss the second video of his I posted today on trust. It is mind-blowing and describes some of my recent major challenges and I am sure those of others.
Delete