I was in counseling the other day and the therapist told me I needed to have acceptance for my circumstances. Not in a "give up way" but in a way that accepts that this is reality to save myself from banging my head on the wall and swimming against the river so much that I'll drown. I believe one can still make prayers to God for your heart's desires, but it made sense. There are things about our circumstances such as needing my husband for caretaking and many of the health issues. I came to more understand of what he is dealing with in caretaking for a disabled wife too. I need to give myself permission to rest when I need to and not walk around with this feeling of constant battle inside where I am never at peace.
Your blog is amazing. Thank you. Brave!! I don't know if this happened to you, but as one life event after another made it impossible for me to deny the fact that I wasn't loved, I began to read... Ok, this has a name... Thank God! Relief. But that relief is short lived. Here's a hug. I know you can't feel it - obviously - but please know that a hug from a fellow scapegoat is a knowing, loving, kind hug. A kind hug with no motives, no "I care about you, BUT.. The scapegoat can never escape the, but. I love you, but you're too honest. Or, I would could have loved you, but you're impossible to love. It's always the but - that invalidation to cause doubt & keep us feeling "bad" or "crazy". Nah. We made mistakes - we all do. Ours are blown up into insanity or worse, made up to prove that abuse was warranted. I asked each of my now diseased NM - why they didn't speak up since they all admit they witnessed the abuse. Interestingly, that question was only answered this way: why didn't I do anything? Yes, the question was answered with that question - 4 times. The tone was angry. It was as if me asking caught them off guard and when faced with a direct question, they had no answer. But, why? Why not come up with an excuse? I think I know why now. They were copable. They were involved. Sure, there was abuse (they got some too) but asking why nothing was said or done - uh oh... I'm in the hot seat. I own that! That was the end of any semblance of a relationship. After that, each and every member began to speak in exactly the same way - the words were almost exactly the same. Mom was awful to you - yes... But then came: because you deserved it. That must have been the decided excuse. A mob... Each doing their part. In my family money was the lure. They are multi, multi millionaires now after a huge estate that my grandfather earned. My mom stole our share & while she was alive, everyone of us were angry. Boy oh boy... But I was the one disinherited and now, you guessed it - I deserved it. No, I didnt. No, you didn't deserve it either. So, that hug... It's a big hug because we deserved those hugs all along. Peace & love! I'm with you in spirit. Empty wells - that's all the are. There's dry dust in those wells. Time to start drinking cool fresh water from the wells that are filled...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hug ssa and compliments. I appreciate a cyber hug :) I had to face facts too when I went NC that I was not loved. She led others not to love me and care, and yes she used my weight, lack of money, even the few times I needed help all against me, and my health problems. Even sitting back and looking at how it all was done was kind of immense but realized what happened. I am sorry you lost your inheritance, were there other family members in the mix with you?
DeleteTo walk away, I had to walk away from my only potentiality of financial security...NC for me meant losing a potentially future 6 figures too, but then who wants to sell their soul for their money. I realize now too what it meant for me to live severely impoverished in the ghetto almost dead of my health problems and for my father to leave her over a half a million if not a million dollars if you add all other assets together. He didn't love me either and he knew I was on the verge of dying.
He is now deceased so in regards to her, I had been warned by a relative I was cut out long ago--this isn't someone I can depend on either and had to go NC with, and when I asked the GC [the executor] for a copy, she bragged about having, she refused to send me a copy. So I knew. My mother spends money like water too.
They will abuse with money and control with it. Multimillions gives them even more control such as in your case. The whole family rotates around my mother and it is because of her money. She even recently bought off my brother driving the final wedge in that relationship. I realized he didn't care about me either, when he told me, "I have no money to visit, send me 1,000 bucks if you want to see me" and within weeks had 15,000 dollars of furniture in his house and at least 4,000 dollars if not more of Christmas presents surrounding his tree. I had to wake up and it was well beyond time.
Mine was a mob as well, no one thought independently. They all thought of me the same exact way. I was told I was the horrible bad person, I talked back, I was unforgiving, I didn't accept her or Mini-Me the way they were and should. I would be told, "We are busy" and not even given an iota of acceptance or love. I got a few cards for fake appearances. Even Aunt Denial sent me a card saying "We love and miss you" but what a joke as she couldn't even given me 10 minutes to answer an email properly. I was put down for being disabled. etc etc.
No amount of money is worth taking that much abuse. I thought to myself, that my vampire mother could live 15 years more and there'd be nothing of me left. Even LC was endangering my health. God was also convicting me to get out. I'll be poor but no one's slave. I believe God has sent me help and the people I've needed too, so I will depend on Him not narcs.
You didn't deserve to be disinherited either. I am sorry that happened to you. People like this destroy many lives and bring so much pain.
What did they expect to do? I actually confronted many of mine on the way out. Why did you sit there silent as I was being abused? From the "proxy" godmother who cut me off instantly after this question was asked to Aunt Confused. Yes they will turn it on you and say why didn't you do anything as they formed a united front against you. Remember how I used the phrase in one article "one mind of the beast", I felt like I was talking to the same person over and over saying the same exact script. None deviated from forcing me in the scapegoat role. Two of the nice cousins [The Aunt that Loved Me's] sons were nicer but even they went along with the script, when they went silent about Uncle Narcissist abusing me.
I'm with you too and praying for you. You are right they are empty wells. Wells that just cause us pain. Nothing there for us, time to walk away.
http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/11/dont-go-to-empty-wells.html
That sounds like good advice. I had to do a lot of acceptance in my life. I find "mathy" stuff to do, like sewing. Its not the career of a lifetime, I studied engineering, its so sad, but my nerves will never be calm enough to work again. Plus I have to be able to take criticism, and with that I'm totally maxed out.
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like the therapist gave you good advice. I think he is going to try to get you to stop blaming yourself for things. But he's going to start taking steps, to make it easier. Starting with acceptance first.
It is something I am working on. I am glad you have been able to sew and understand doing what finding something to do for money, the work world now has changed in negative ways too that is affecting a lot of people. So don't feel bad about that either. They focus too much on criticism as well, since the narcs have taken over.
ReplyDeleteI do think the therapist gave me good advice too. I was spinning around thinking "what can we do, what can we do?" People are only capable of so much and I know we are both worn out. I told the therapist this. A lot of the burdens however came from the judgments of the cruel family. I agree about stopping in blaming myself.