Ever since I went NC from the entire family this week and unfriended the last of them on Facebook, I have had a feeling of major relief. This has surprised me to the degree it has been.
It is like I threw off a two-ton weight off my back. I realized even trying to deal with the ones I thought were "nicer" was just re-opening wounds over and over and giving the main narcs an ability to abuse me by proxy. I realized this over the last year especially. Their calls, emails and even rare messages on Facebook bothered me.
I don't have to try anymore or bang my head against the wall.
I don't have to worry about sending cards out anymore that are just ignored.
I don't have to worry about phone calls.
I don't have to feel guilt over not having money or health to visit people who never come my direction.
I don't have to cry over not being visited or loved or accepted or seen.
I don't have to worry about proving myself anymore to people who never would accept me.
I don't have to worry about sticking to a false fantasy of a family that was never there for me.
My modus operanti now is to remove all narcs from my life. If people don't like me or put me down or I feel I have to "prove" myself to them, I am done. I am applying this to daily life. Achievement queens and put-downers, I am done with. No more being the scapegoat, or ignored or devalued in any group.
I just want to live in peace. I have had more peace being NC, but now the peace will be more complete.
yay you! onward!
ReplyDelete:) :)
ReplyDeleteMy gosh, do I ever love that saying. It fits perfectly :)
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Yay! I'm glad you are free from all toxic people and their appendages! I also want to post this inspiring story for everyone who went NC with their toxic relatives. Hope it is okay with you.
ReplyDelete"BEAUTIFUL FREEDOM FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
~THE MIRACLE OF THE CRAB POT~
Crab fishermen have odd customs at sea. Living and working in the sea gives them a unique perspective and
understanding of our oceans and their conditions. When these fishermen dump a load of crabs into the holding
‘pot’ on board, the majority of the crabs will fight and wrestle and try to kill each other to get to the top of the
heap of crabs. It does no good to get to the top, because the crabs still can’t get out – they’re too far from the
sides of the pot. But they don’t know that; they are frantically driven by primal instinct.
Other, instinctively smarter crabs, attempt to scale the walls themselves. Due to the wear and tear on the metal or
wooden sides of the ‘pot’ from the nets and the loads themselves, large and minute dings, scratches or ridges
develop on the walls. These dings provide essential handholds for the freedom-seeking crabs.
These crabs attempt to climb up the sides of the pot, clinging to precarious hold after hold, but always headed up.
The crabs on the edges of the center heap notice these climbing crabs. They then come to the wall, grab hold of
the climber, and haul he/she/it back down to the bottom where all crabs are ‘supposed’ to be.
Psychologists have called this type of behavior in nuclear families ‘the crab pot mentality’. When one member of a
deeply dysfunctional family realizes that they and their family have emotional/psychological problems and
earnestly seeks help, the dysfunctional family circle becomes threatened.
The dysfunctional nuclear family lives and functions only within the complete denial of the true family dynamics.
The stigma of the very words ‘mental illness’ unleashes a firestorm of fear within the family. As the causation of
the change, you become the focal point of the pathological anger/fear driving the family psychological engine.
The nuclear family turns on the one seeking help, assuring themselves that ‘they’ are fine, that ‘you’ are the crazy
one because you had to finally admit that you were ‘mentally ill’ and had to seek help. That means, to the rest of
the dysfunctional family, that they have no problems, ‘because they never had to get help’!
You become a threat to the functioning of the dysfunctional family. By your beliefs and actions, you are, in effect,
upsetting the dysfunctional ‘norm’ they so desperately try to maintain. You are in a process of personal change,
and a nuclear family locked into a pattern of denial, abuse and maintaining the ‘status quo’ has to discredit you and
the work you are undertaking in order to feel ‘safe’. When you change, you change the family dynamics, and that
is devastatingly threatening to the ingrained order of the family. (cont)
The dysfunctional nuclear family lives and functions only within the complete denial of the true family dynamics.
ReplyDeleteThe stigma of the very words ‘mental illness’ unleashes a firestorm of fear within the family. As the causation of
the change, you become the focal point of the pathological anger/fear driving the family psychological engine.
The nuclear family turns on the one seeking help, assuring themselves that ‘they’ are fine, that ‘you’ are the crazy
one because you had to finally admit that you were ‘mentally ill’ and had to seek help. That means, to the rest of
the dysfunctional family, that they have no problems, ‘because they never had to get help’!
You become a threat to the functioning of the dysfunctional family. By your beliefs and actions, you are, in effect,
upsetting the dysfunctional ‘norm’ they so desperately try to maintain. You are in a process of personal change,
and a nuclear family locked into a pattern of denial, abuse and maintaining the ‘status quo’ has to discredit you and
the work you are undertaking in order to feel ‘safe’. When you change, you change the family dynamics, and that
is devastatingly threatening to the ingrained order of the family.
They try to discourage you in every way they can, with anger, verbal attacks, or replaying the family myths, with
their completely re-written family history. Their version of the past is so twisted and so far from the truth that
you sometimes react with horror at the depth of their delusions. Nothing in the past actually happened as it really
happened.
Nothing you do in the present is accepted as reality. Your accomplishments are ignored, downplayed and/or given
a negative spin that must, by dysfunctional family necessity, reflect badly on you and positively on them. You
must be kept in your place.
Unable to understand you on any level, the nuclear family ignores you, chastises you, tries to ‘talk some sense into
you’ and uses every emotional and psychological weapon they can muster to bring you ‘back in line’ with the
dysfunctional family norm. The more progress you make, the further you draw away from the discord, the more
the family gets upset and frustrated by your ‘selfishness’.
Their biggest fear is disclosure in any form of the twisted, demented and unstable family structure. “What will
people think?” or “What happens in the family stays in the family!” are familiar formulas for the secrecy practiced
by abusive and dysfunctional families.
For the rest of the family, even the slightest hint of exposure of the warped family dynamics is unbearable and
cannot be tolerated. As you continue your personal journey, seeking to understand the truth about yourself and
your family, their attacks become progressively more personal and increasingly vicious. They may constantly
belittle you verbally or ply you with obviously false, passive-aggressive compliments designed as a ‘back-hand’ slap
at who you are becoming. (cont)
You are never given the benefit of a doubt. Every act and action you undertake is denied and downplayed to
ReplyDeletereassure the nuclear family that who you are and what you do is not important and as such, is in no way is a
reflection on their inadequacy.
If, for example, you are overweight, they try to push food on you that you don’t want. Your are the ‘jolly fat
clown’ and your assigned role is that of the ‘family buffoon’. God forbid that you should lose weight and regain
your health. Discarding or trying to redefine your role in the family is a psychological sin. This the family cannot
allow.
If you continue with your education, thereby elevating yourself out of their comprehension, you have ‘got above
your raising’. One of the cardinal rules of dysfunctional families is that you are not supposed to succeed at
anything; by your success you demonstrate their inadaquacy and this cannot be allowed by the family.
If you persist in speaking the truth, they can even get to the point of taking your picture off their walls, thereby
cutting you out of their lives until you ‘see the light’. Although their walls are plastered with pictures of the entire
nuclear and extended families, there will not be one single picture of you. This perverted attempt to ‘cut you out
of the family circle’ physically, emotionally and psychologically is another desperate attempt to pressure you back
into your ‘place’.
You are no longer invited to family get togethers, no one calls, no one visits you, because you make them
uncomfortable by seeking and living your own personal truths. The dysfunctional family functions exactly like the
crabs in the above mentioned crab pot. They see you trying to get out, they see you reassessing your role, and
they do their damndest to pull you right back down there in the pot of dysfunctional family dynamics, where your
reward is that you get to assume your assigned role again.
You keep trying, braving their displeasure, ignoring their comments, and they pull out all the stops. They tell their
friends, their children and even your friends, spouse and your children that ‘you’ obivously have ‘mental problems’
in whispered asides, as if the subject is much too taboo to talk about, except, of course, as how it applies to only
you.
You try to share what you are learning with them, but, locked in a mental/psychological cage of denial, their brains
refuse to accept in any way, how, form, shape or choice of words the self-knowledge and the understanding of the
family functionality you are gaining. They absolutely, passionately refuse to acknowledge how you are changing.
To them, your ‘assigned’ role in the family dynamics is cast in stone. Talk about an exercise in futility!
Finally, the abuse becomes so toxic that you are forced to make a choice – re-enter the family dynamics and
assume once again the crippled role they assigned you, go along with all the re-written family myths, and ‘know
your place’ once again; Or, you can finally get to the uppermost point in your life (the top of the crab pot) and
decide to fall outside the pot. Even the fear of the unknown is finally preferable to the abusive family dynamics.
Letting go is the hardest part of the entire process. (cont)
You let go and fall outside the pot. You cut off contact with your toxic family because you realize that there is no
ReplyDeleteway they will ever accept you as you are now. Their rage at you has been built to massive proportions because you
have escaped their clutches. The family applecart is upset big time. You have committed the sin of chosing sanity
over myth, of putting yourself and your mental health before the unity of family dysfunction. How dare you?
Ah, but here’s the nice part.
When the rare crab finally does manage to climb up the sides of the crab pot, and fall out onto the deck below,
what do you think happens? Does the crab fisherman, realizing that every ounce of crab is worth money, toss that
crab back down into the maelstrom of crab pot?
No.
He picks up the crab, and tosses it over the side of the ship, back into the ocean, from whence it came. He sets it
free, because he knows that the genes for survival, instinct, intelligence, whatever you choose to call it, are very
strong in that particular crab. That crab, left to breed, will produce stronger crabs, crabs that are better able to
survive in the ocean and to perpetuate the crab species.
So, what happens to the human being who finally manages to get to the top of their personal ‘crab pot’ full of
dysfunctional people?
If they decide to let go and fall onto the deck of reality, then the miracle really begins.
The Hand of God picks them up, and gently sets them free in the Sea of Life.
**************************************************************************
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming,”
Thanks for that article. It is a great one. :) Yes I'll keep swimming on.
ReplyDeleteI really needed to read "The Crab Pot" story right now as I'm sure Peep and the other ACON readers of her blog did too. It precisely describes our situation within our dysfunctional families.
ReplyDeleteI am currently going through a pregnancy loss. Last week, I saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks (126), and my baby bean moving around to no heartbeat and fetal death at 8 weeks. It was a surprise pregnancy at 41 and would have been my third chd (have 4 and 3 year old beautiful little girls). I was so sad for my daughters because they would have been amazing big sisters. This third child represented another future family unit for my girls. My husband is an only child with elderly parents. When his parents pass away, there will be no family on his side. My family is run by a controlling queen spider like Peep's mom and her co-hort is my sister also like Peep's.
It doesn't matter that there are 6 siblings on my side and lots of cousins. In addition, we have that rare extended family that still stays close too. But when you're an ACON and scapegoat, these ties stop with you and your own family.
The pregnancy loss was my catalyst to send emails to two brothers, one of whom I've haven't seen in five years. We all email superficially for years. This time, I called them out and ask them if they (including their wives) ignore the other neices and nephews like they all do to my children. I tried to explain that their wives have large extended families of their own, something my husband doesn't have as an only child. I also gave examples of how I emailed pics and videos of my kids for years and they never send me pics of their children. I explained that I've tried in vain, giving examples, to build a long distance relationship with them and their families, that it was like trying to have a relationship with a chair or any inanimate object.
Cont'd
I like the Crab Pot too. I am sorry you are dealing with a pregnancy loss, that has to be hard to go through. I feel for your girls they did not get this other sister or brother. Sorry to hear that about your husband's family and very sorry you have a "Queen Spider" of your on to deal with. So sorry you lost 6 siblings and all their families. That is harsh. I am sorry your brothers were so callous and uncaring too knowing you just lost your baby, and giving that kind of reaction. I never understood when I was still in contact, why asking mine, "how come I never see you, or why don't you visit me" was taken as insults? It seems normal people would say, Oh we will try to visit, instead of playing games or getting mad. So sorry your brothers and their families ignored you. I asked why I was ignored too, in my case with no kids in the mix to suffer the lost of cousins and others. One thing about Mini-Me she has nothing to do with my brother's kids. Do your brothers visit each other or take interest in each other's kids? I was kind of creeped out that some of mine simply did not care about each other. My sister never cared that she was an aunt.
Delete.
Continuing down below....
This did not go over with my brothers at all. They called me mean, offensive and obsessive. I spoke to my therapist yesterday and read the entire thread, and he said that to any outsider of my family, that what I wrote would not be considered mean but explaining my disappointment and grief for my children. He said that my brothers can't deal with me confronting them and want to go back to how our family has always been - apathetic. One brother pretty much said that when we see each other we pick up where we left off, even if it's been years. Well, that's fine. But my question posed was is this how their wives are with their own nieces and nephews, the others on our side of the family too, or is this lax attitude only reserved for my family and I? They never answered my question. Me thinks if they gave the same treatment to the others that it would cause problems. It's not normal for aunts, uncles and first cousins to go years with out a single phone call or visit. It's only been superficial group emails.
ReplyDeleteAll three of my brothers, one also no contact with mom and sister, say we only talk about mom and our sister with you. "We never think about it." He wrote that he let all those feelings go and that his kids love our mom and she loves them. I wanted to vomit because my almost five year old used to have deep scratches as a baby and toddler from my mom's "over tickling" from her acrylic nails. When my daughter was 17 months, I watched her follow my mom into my master bedroom and get very hurt while alone for 5 minutes. We never left my mom alone with our children and the minute she was alone, my daughter got hurt and it didn't make sense how my mom said happen. The fact that I found my mom ignoring my daughter and not holding her, consoling her sent chills up my spine. My brothers don't understand that our mom is the embodiment of evil. These people have no idea. How can you have a relationship with any of your family who tolerate evil in our family instead of calling it out. Unless, by an act of God, our mother and sister lets their mask slip, they will keep tolerating them and playing the game of keeping peace. So we are not only abused once by our Nparent/Nsibling, we are abused again by those who don't stand up for us.
My therapist said that by God's infinite wisdom, he separated me from all of them because my mother/sister would have gone after my children too. He said that I can never win in my family. He said to put all my energy into self-care, which I greatly lack. He said the Jesus told us to love our neighbor as yourself. But what happens when you don't love yourself, or see yourself the way your family of origin does. It could really mess you up.
The crab pot story was so needed right now.
Your brothers are very mean to do this to someone who has the grief of a lost baby. I will pray for you. What is mean in asking, "WHY DON"T YOU VISIT? and let's be closer, or even PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR NIECES?
ReplyDeleteYour brother's just don't want to put the effort in. Narcs don't attach the same way. I realized mine never missed anyone. Didn't care about people coming and going. I am sorry you went through this. I had the same experience with my own brother. In my case there are no children, but they made me feel worse like I was the "broken off" childless branch no one had to care about too. [the denial of aunt and niece and nephew relationships I desired]
I wonder if they do visit each other or if you are being ostracized as the scapegoat? Do they live near each other?
Going for years with no visits and just emails means the relationships will die. The cousins will not know each other anymore. Even if you know cousins as a child, that can disappate if 10 years or more passes with barely any contact. Take it from me who knows personally.
The NMs make themselves the center of the family. They are committing their energy to her. I was nothing in the mix which was one reason I walked. This is basically what your brother I think is telling you and I got the same spiel, when he talked about my mother's two visits last fall. So when he says his kids love our mom and she loves them he is telling you, your mother is the most important. Hey I was shoved aside so often it wasn't funny. No one even coming to visit while I was very ill. At least now I won't be hurt anymore.
continuing
DeleteI hope their kids are not abused but she is toxic for ANY kid to be around. I feel for you in that you wrote about your young child being scratched by your mother and it scared me. I wonder if the scapegoats children will be more abused. One thing that is awful about these narcs is they seem so family blessed with endless people there in their lives, mine is, she never could understand my life. I walk away it doesn't matter, she has another daughter, I was just the "spare". They take no understanding for those without many family members like your husband. I dare say if your brothers are at all like your mother, your children are better off just being with your intact family. You do not want other narcs in the family influencing your children as they grow against you or influencing them into narc like behavior. I think you and your children are better off. I'd keep them away from all the flying monkeys for good. I know there is loss there, they do not get to enjoy their cousins but their safety and emotional well-being comes as top priortiy. We are abused by those who don't stand up for us. Everyone rallied around my mother and I was left standing alone, this is as true today as it was when I was 5 years old and they allowed me to be abused and did nothing about it. With my mother she is good at her sociopathy/narcdom. No one even dares to raise one word against her.
I find it interesting your therapist said you could never win in your family. As I have gone NC, I have told myself the same thing, "you tried long enough, and "you can never win". My main thing now is staying alive, self care and building some sort of life. Thank God for my marriage. Look to your own family and children and stay from the cretins, to protect your children. I would watch out for your mother popping up into your kid's lives once they hit teenage years to draw them away from you. Be mindful of how these narcs operate.
I agree about putting energy into self-care. I was forced to do it to stay alive but it is lesson that is very hard for scapegoat ACONs to learn and it took me some major time. We can find self love, via God and being away from them, around people who do love us. I agree it is a needed story. I am praying for you for your loss, and hope for the best for your family and blessings. Concentrate on them. I had to tell myself waste no more time going to the empty wells.