This is my personal list, these will be the details beyond the known factors of narcissists and sociopaths... We know already about their entitlement, coldness, lack of empathy, these are other red flag signs beyond those. Some of these red flags will be personal to me and my personality:
1. They whine about cleaning and tell you that your apt or house isn't clean enough. Next time I hand them the broom while they whine about how messy my apartment is. If they don't clean they can leave.
2. Things fail to get done. They tell you one thing and make promises that never happen. They are undependable, and there is always an excuse.
3. They are good "boy scouts" and "girl scouts" who insist on the rules but then you notice they never follow the same said rules and always get their needs met.
4. They never go without an unmet need. If someone has never lost a job in their entire life or had one set back--be careful of catching any innocents in this net but every narcissist I knew never lost a job. [This may not apply the parasitical types] Be careful of people who have always gotten every need met in their entire life. This applies to my sociopathic mother. She never has gone without one dollar she has wanted.
5. Watch out for constant criticism.
6. If they approach you with the attitude of "fixing you", run like hell and never look back. Don't listen to talk of "deliverance" prayers, or "you need to volunteer" more. Avoid those who act as if they have a direct dial to God. New and baby Christians need to be especially wary of religious narcissists. ACONs because of our upbringing, can become prey to the "fixers" who see your inherent lack of self-worth prior to recovery.
7. Avoid those who pity you. Pity sucks. It will drive your self esteem lower then hell. The do-gooder pity patrol while you think they will "help you" and sometimes one or two may meet a physical need, the price isn't worth it. The disabled need to be on guard for this one especially.
8. They repress you. If they tell you things like go watch a movie or read a nice book every time you tell them anything sad, run like hell. At the very least, keep them separate as a "public friend" or friendly acquaintance where you share nothing deep. Your emotions bother them. That's what they are telling you. We know too the malignant narcissists who use emotions to abuse.
9. Avoid people who see every problem as "solvable". If you have problems that are not solved, they may treat you badly for them.
10. Avoid people who see everything as a competition. Such types are willing participants in the "American Hunger Games" on different levels. A sub-set here would be various sell-outs who do not mind selling their souls for careers or engaging in evil things for world success. If your friend works for a GMO-manufacturing company or counts body bags and machine guns for war or does PR for a guy like Lex Luther, maybe reconsider things.
11. Shut the door in the face of those who sneer and get jollies upon the sufferings of others. If you meet someone and you start wondering why everyone else they know is a "loser" or "crazy" since they dog everyone out, realize you can be next on the list for a new smear campaign. Double warning for anyone who cheers about anyone getting committed like my relatives.
12. People who buy presents to shut you up or get you to "get back in line" are no good. Being bought off is not being respected. Same as when my NM tried to offer me a used car the very day I went no contact. She knew I feared lacking transportation. Abusive husbands are known to buy flowers for their abused wives, well this can happen in other contexts with narcissists.
13. If you raise issues and they dance around topics, and don't answer anything directly be wary. The dancing as fast as they can game is often done for confusion.
14. If you have someone in your life, you are around all the time or talk to for many hours and then you don't really know them, and they don't really know you, then ask yourself if you are simply narcissistic supply for this person?
15. Be careful of being the counselor or counselee. I have to avoid the trap of seeking counseling and too much help from friends. I don't mind counseling friends but then if someone is calling you everyday 5-6 times a day where you are ready to send them a therapy bill, then rethink things there.
16. If people assault your values, or tell you that you must be silent about your beliefs or they ban discussions of certain topics, it is time to walk. They don't respect you. I don't expect everyone to agree with me about everything either. With the toxic, many expect 100% agreement to earn their respect. It's a waste of time. A subset here, is when you bring issues up or talk about things they flat out ignore and change the subject as if you were talking to a wall.
17. If they share nothing of themselves and you realize you have told them so much about yourself while you barely know anything, then wake up in that case too. My NM withheld her whole life about everything except telling me to clean or criticizing.
18. Watch out for love-bombers. Many will come on fast, and compliment you and tell you how wonderful you are. Good friends will compliment you too, but in their cases it lasts. Many a narcissist and sociopath set up is done with extreme love bombing. False churches and cults use love bombing to get people in the door.
19. Ask yourself, "How does this person treat me when other people are there?" If they disrespect you or avoid you in front of other people be careful. This is a red flag I ignored YEARS ago with one ex-friend. She almost seemed to act like she did not know me in crowded public rooms. If a friend betrays you in mixed company online or in real life this is another red flag that something is not right. If they make jokes about you in front of other people, get away from them.
20. Do they enjoy things? People who never enjoy anything or have no hobbies, that is something to watch out for. Life as a cold austerity plan sucks. Some of those types only care about work and competition.
21. Will they eat your food? If the answer is No, be careful. They be a narcissistic someone of an upper class who sees you as riff-raff for having a less then new kitchen.
22. Do they tell you constantly what to feel or to say or do or not do? Then you are dealing with a controller. Of course all friends offer advice, but here, be careful of those who tell you what to do all the time. When that starts, they are already not satisfied, and can't be.
23. Do they tell you to deny reality or preach the positivity gospel at any cost? Do they tell you that a miracle is always one prayer away or all your problems will be solved if you just have enough faith? Run. They will damage your relationship with God selling you false Disney land narcissistic dreams.
24. Are they so much into sports nothing else exists? If someone loves the Cubs or goes to see the Yankees that's great, but sports obsession is something else.
25. Do they constantly criticize others? Run there too.
26. Are they a workaholic always putting work and aspirations first and foremost? If you visit someone and the visit from out of town was planned for weeks, and they spend nearly hour working on a work project instead of focusing on your visit, then that is time to wake up too.
27. Do they only call when they need something and otherwise ignore you.
28. Are they mean to wait staff? If they argue with waitresses like my Dad did because there is one too few ice-cubes in their drink I am gone.
29. Do they growl at children and kick dogs? I don't have animals but people who are mean to animals, run! Do they have road rage? Every male narc in my family had such intense road rage, steam would come out of their ears. Do they drive like a bat out of hell and like every other driver is in their way?
30. Do they seem to revel in the misfortunes of others, glorying in Betty's cancer, or Charlie's bankruptcy? If the whole attitude is , "Oh boy" instead of "Poor Betty or Charlie". Watch out.
31. Do they hate poor people? Do they practice social Darwinism believing that poor and old people should go die in the gutter?
32. Do they respect you? If they do not or you even suspect there is no respect. Pay attention!
No one is perfect including me, but I am developing a list in my head of WHAT to avoid and red flags to avoid in would-be predators. Maybe you can add to this list too.
I definitely agree with the wait staff issue. That is a major red flag for me too!
ReplyDeleteYeah that is an important one. Even for a date too, or other person.
DeleteI never understood people who abuse wait staff. I mean these people are so poorly paid. Additionally, these are the people preparing your food. Do you really want to mess with these people??!!
DeleteYeah, some of who are making 2.80 an hour and if they figure you are too much of a jerk to tip, I don't want them messing with my food!
DeleteDoes having to frisk them for small caliber weapons when they enter your house count?
ReplyDeleteLOLOL
DeleteThat one was the worst. I remember a woman getting cancer of the cervix and mother complaining that it was because this woman was a tramp. So she deserved the cancer. I don't know if the woman was a tramp or if this was a smear campaign, probably a smear campaign for sure. Or a projection of her own self.
ReplyDeleteI know that they feel they are above the others. They are either richer than the others, or poorer than the others, or sicker than the others, or healthier than all the others. etc.
Nowadays, I watch for these smear campaigns. Putting someone down is at least a sign of low self-esteem, but it is never good.
That is just horrible! My family is like that too. It is horrible to tell someone that unless you are perfect we will not love you. Everyone deserves love. EVERYONE. People make mistakes they are not perfect. This woman's mother abandoned her when she needed her the most. That is the way that these types of families work and it is BEYOND DESTRUCTIVE!! People many times can NEVER recover from these types of wounds.
DeleteUgh, about the mother saying that. I've heard that kind of nasty talk too before. They all think they are above everyone else, and if someone gets sick, that means they did something "wrong". Well you all know I got kicked in the head with that one. I heard the same about someone who got cancer in the cervix too which is false information as many get it without any STDs or any sexual behavior linked to it. I know I have to be careful of anyone who rips anyone to shreds as I could be next on the list. I agree other anon, that those who want perfection for someone to "earn" their love suck. I know I was tossed away from being Aspie, fat, not rich enough and other reasons but these people are shallow ingrates. Yes those who get ill suffer the MOST and the soul murderers can be indirect physical murderers, as they rip someone to shreds who is facing medical challenges.
DeleteI take that back that a sign of low self esteem maybe smear campaigning too. I don't know why I said that, perhaps some programming again.
ReplyDeleteI had low self esteem and I was never putting any one down. I was jealous of them, and that's an emotion and that's ok to feel. And there were things that triggered jealousy but I don't remember putting someone down. Actually, I think that is a dangerous conclusion to come to, and may put mentally ill people in the same bracket as freaks.
I hear ya Joan. My mother thought she was above death and sickness so mere mortals deserve to be mocked. That is the only explanation for her smugness around the sick and dying.
ReplyDeleteMine did too. Anyone who was dying or sick was mocked. The crazy making and feeding frenzies were upped a few notches. Still remember the guy who broke his back who was too lazy because he asked for a straw and the sneer and "She's taking too long to die" which she said of her own mother. I knew that was one day I was thinking "I have got to get the hell away from these people no matter what. " Mine acts as though she is going to live forever. She never had any introspective thoughts about aging or anything else. It's creepy beyond belief.
DeleteGreat article! Glad you made a list to remind and warn people red flags to look for. I think I have a list too. lol
ReplyDelete1. Do they think certain people are more worthy than others?
2. Did they accept your friend request in Facebook and connection request in LinkedIn? If not and they were your "closer friends" in the past, then it is a red flag.
3..Watch how they treat you in social media. It has been my experience that those who used to criticize me and did not respect me are not my friend. They all rejected my friend requests in Facebook since I opened my account in 2008. If they accepted your friend request but still criticize you, post veiled comments against you or what you stand for, and ignore you, then, set them as acquaintances.
3. Were they nice and friendly to you one day and then "change" the next? I dealt with these crap for years. It should be a red flag that you are dealing with disloyal two-faced people, narcs, or love bombers.
4. Do they play intellectual games by writing articles or papers you could not understand, and then imply that you are intellectually inferior, have reading comprehension problem, or that you could not figure them out? Another red flag!
5. Do you feel like you are talking to an unemotional robot or somebody who likes dry topics or papers?
6. Do they laugh at you because you like caring people or want a loving spouse and build a loving family? It has been my experience that narcs will say people like Michael Landon of "Little House on the Prairie" and "Highway to Heaven" tv series was too syrupy, sappy, and "unreal." I had somebody who acted like they vomited when I told them about friendship and caring people I saw in "Melrose Place" tv series in the early 1990s. It was a red flag to me because it was a sign that he could be emotionally abusive.
7. Do they get protection from a cold, cruel world and a hard life from living in a sanctuary? It has been my biggest pet peeves when I heard stories like one divinity school student had to take out loans while his or her narc peers were protected from debt because they lived in a sanctuary of getting full financial support in a divinity school. Another thing to look is how they respond to those who are not being protect from a sanctuary. For example, insensitive people in sanctuary would tell those who are in deep debt that God has plans for their lives and cut unfortunate people in their lives.
8. They are avoiding people who have been dealing with unanswered prayers. You could tell who are your real friends when you deal with unanswered prayers, and it could tell you who are real Christians. There are not very many true Christians out there in a narcissistic society.
Thank you for posting this article. Sorry you dealt with people like that.
Thanks for your list too anon. With #1 narcs will social climb, one sign of a narc is you will be talking to them in a crowded room and if someone of "higher social standing" walks by they will just turn and leave you and go schmooze. Yeah that's a red flag. Avoiding you in social media or disrespecting you there is another sign. Do they go mock you to groups of near strangers when you supposedly have been in a long term "friendship"? Do they put you down to others? Watch out for the sarcastic or disrespectful or those who treat you as a joke or a underling. Social media can be interesting. I learned some things about my narcissistic family like how my mother was friends with all my sister's friends but rejected mine and other connections. Yes any two-faced stuff is bad news, especially when they are sweet to your face and then rip you apart elsewhere. If they are disloyal that is another get away sign!
DeleteYes intellectual snobbery is one. If they act like a know it all, or tell you that your views offend them and you do not have the right to express them. Dry topics and papers boring us all to tears, means they are not emotionally involved with their words which can be another warning sign.
Yes any who mock nice things, loving animals, or nature, or art or "sweet" things or shows, is a sign of a narc. If they praise hardness, coldness, getting over and make fun of people who have emotions that too is a bad sign. I thought Michael Landon was great by the way.
Yes watch out for the ones who always get ahead and seem impervious to other narcs. My mother never has "lost" [well except in me hightailing it away] and that is scary in itself. You see people who never face turmoil and always get all their needs met. Powerful narcs never have one hiccup in acquiring a good high paying job, money or business networks. You will notice some in business and other organizations are always promoted without fail, while you see good and moral people laid off and thrown away.
Yes the connected and wealthy don't have debts for divinity school. Those sound like narc central with narcs pretending to be holier then normal people and with a direct line to God. Many prey on young Christians and people with troubles who think that if they acquire their knowledge and closer "access" to God too, that their lives will improve.
They often do preach things like God has wonderful plans for their lives and purpose. They ignore things like WWII and the Holocaust, and tsunamis that wiped away many "good" people who probably wanted to have happy prosperous lives on earth too. They preach and live this phony Christianity that is about "properness" and being "rich" and "conforming" to the system. These are often the types where if someone does not recover from chronic illness or does not see a change in their bank balance tell someone that they are unholy or did not have enough faith for God's healing or miracle. I agree true Christians are not very high in number.
Thanks for your list too.
Lol about the cleaning. My house constantly looks like a trash heap. And I don't want to clean it up!
ReplyDeleteI hate cleaning too and am not very good at it. It never stays clean for long either.
DeleteDear Peeps, #4. i know a few people whose lives seem perfect. And that may seem well and fine, except for one "little" hitch. Getting all the social / material goods could be an indication of being passed over for the REAL good stuff. i can't help but to think of Esau (father and grandfather of a whole bunch of dukes). One of these trouble-free (for now) people is in his 80s and still going strong - still snooty. But he has no time for the Lord. Ouch!
ReplyDeleteRich man, camel and needle may sum that guy up. I am surrounded by the "perfect" patrol. Problem is if you are not "perfect" too they oppress you. I have some weird prayers to God lately, Please don't let me die in destitution. I don't care about being "rich", just tired of all the wolves and feeling so alone in the real world outside of husband. It is obvious many of these people are getting their reward NOW not later. Also I believe many who end up with the social and material goods, sold out for them. I lost people to be blunt just for what I believe.
DeleteDear Peeps, in the Bible somewhere is a prayer asking the Lord to neither make one too rich, or too poor. Something about being rich makes one forget the Lord, and being poor may cause one to steal / despair - something like that.
DeleteI've seen that prayer. We are sinking into bad poverty that is even a notch down. I have begged God to allow the poverty to end. It's messing me up. It is a threat to my entire well-being. I do keep thinking WHY AGAIN?
DeleteNever move to a town where you are the only poor people, it is SO DISHEARTENING and LONELY. You are judged.
DeleteI just skimmed the new stuff posted over night but I think I saw somebody talk about friends mocking you and how that is a red flag...... which it is. But most people here were mocked by a parent. I think you should be able to set the bar a little higher for a close relative than some one you know socially. That tidbit seems to not be recognized by the public at large. That is, when our parents mock us it should be a redder flag than having some friend mock you, but in my experience the "friends" pile on and join right in on the fun. And it's usually some ass you have bent over backwards to be a good friend to. All the qualities of a dog except for loyalty.
ReplyDeleteWow. My father went out of his way to find out how I was mocked at school so he could repeat it at family gatherings - seriously, this was the only detail of my school life he ever focused on or cared about. Did not give a damn about anything else that happened to me at school, even when I was playing truant at least 1 day every week. I never thought about the implications of that until now. Thank you.
DeleteThat's sick that your father went to go get lessons from your school bullies to replicate it at home. Mine never did anything about my bullies either. I guess at least you got your one day of "vacation" off a week
DeleteWhile I've seen the narc cleaning thing, my own narc parent was a hoarder. He never cleaned - he tried to stay away from home as much as possible and dealing with home/children was beneath him. Home was just a place to store all his possessions, including his children. (He was a single parent through my entire teens, or rather a non-parent). So I'm as red-flag about hoarding as about extreme cleanliness. Hoarders can't let go of their attachment to possessions, always put possessions ahead of humans, and use their possessions (and sometimes their refusal to clean) to enforce isolation on themselves and their unfortunate family members. If you hoard, no one ever comes near your house so no one will ever witness the abuse.
ReplyDeleteOne I saw on a list of narc traits a while ago, and which has always held true in my experience: narcs LOVE luxurious food. Eating to a budget horrifies them. They don't all go to fancy restaurants a lot; some of them just do stuff like buying organic doodads and looking down on people who don't eat like them. As a nod to being realistic, a lot seem to cut back in one area (normally one that affects other people) in order to indulge in another (normally one that only they can benefit from). I once worked for a narc manager who had long 'business lunches' with her friend every day but was incredibly stingy about letting us have coffee and snacks in the office even though that was a company policy.
I've noticed quite a lot of narcs love guns and other weapons, and will even admit to fantasies about 'self defence' attacks on someone who's wronged them (whether it's a specific person or some generic 'I can beat the bad guys and be a hero' thing - I've heard this particular paranoid narc fantasy a few times).
I'm a crappy housekeeper but let go of things all the time so guess I am not a hoarder. I did notice something watching Hoarders, a lot of the Hoarders seemed to be mega-jerks. It wasn't all of them but there seemed to be subset of incredibly selfish ones where it was my way or the highway and they even allowed children and teens to suffer in the pits they have formed. Those hoarders made me angry and they remind of the father you are describing.
DeleteThat's interesting about the fancy food. Do many of them become food phobes and lecture people about eating? I don't want any eating disordered types around me who tell me eating bread is poison and will kill me.
I wonder about the narcs too who are a bit too much into guns. The libertarian acquaintance I kicked to the curb was a gun-nut, even beyond typical gun-smithing.
I'm pretty basic about Red Flag behavior: How do they respond to "No?" Not about a big thing, but something like telling them you can't meet them for coffee Wed. So how 'bout Thurs. instead? And watch the response.
ReplyDeleteThey don't have to blow up over your "No," just keep pushing their agenda verbally and/or behaviorally. This works well with Coverts-watch them fight you every.step.of.the.way. A huge sigh. The eye roll. A demand, "How COME!"
Busted, ya silly twit.
TW
Yes that is a big red flag. Those who can't take no and then get pushy. I don't last long with those because I can't physically keep up. They will whine, WAH, and then tell you to make adjustments to your schedule.
Delete