Make Better Choices and Other Directionless Directives
This week I keep running across sayings, posters and quotes that I find frustrating because they are all sayings and directives that I believed in and strived towards for so many years. The problem was that in reality I was spinning my wheels and not really making any progress with moving forward and away from my struggles, depressions, and oppression. Today I see some of these sayings as “directionless directives”. They sound great, ideal in fact, but they didn’t actually HELP me.
They motivated me and inspired hope in me for about twenty minutes or even a few days before the familiar feeling of personal failure set in once again. I thought I was the only one who could not achieve the decisions these little sayings were meant to inspire.
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"What about this one; “Your life is a result of the choices that you make. If you don’t like your life it’s time to start making better choices.” I have a real issue with this one; I tried to “make better choices” for at least 20 years before I finally started to dig into WHY I made the sometimes disastrous choices that I made. The answers were not about “just change and presto all will be well”. The answers were in facing how I arrived at such a broken place.
It is so simple for people to spout off all these “oh so easy answers” to all of life’s problems but the HOW part of it is not so easy. And when I start talking about the “how part” many people run for the hills. There is a huge fear of facing the pain that facing the truth brings and I think that fear goes hand in hand with the fear of taking the action that comes right after the clarity and seeing the truth.
I am so glad that I realized that I am worth the effort that it took to overcome the belief system that had been set in place for me by abusers. I didn’t know that I was worth it at first, but I kept going forward long enough to find out and today I know that I am worth every tiny, huge or medium effort that I put into my life.
Before I could make better choices and before these little posters and quotes were actually uplifting instead of a reminder of “my weakness” I had to find out how I got to where I was. I had to understand and VALIDATE what had happened to me in the first place and the damage that it caused. I had to face the truth about the origins of the broken and I had to do the work to repair it. I had to fight for me before I could stand up for me. The solution was in changing the false messages that I believed about myself back to the truth. THEN I made better choices.
There was an order in this process of healing; and I didn’t start at the end. The solution was not in these deceptively easy sounding directionless directives.
So true, I find those "directionless directives" harmful as well!
Nice piece! I like the AA saying, that you can change some things,and to have the wisdom to know the difference. I don't remember the whole quote.
ReplyDeleteI don't really believe we always have good choices. Like children living in war torn countries or Jews in Nazi Germany. Sometimes things are out of our control and we can only do the best we can with each moment and how we react.
I think a lot of those sayings come from people who are are privileged and do have choices.
Not that you shouldn't be aware of choices you may have and making better ones. And I agree about healing yourself first. Otherwise it's a constant guilt trip.
I agree. I liked this one book I read, where it was called Change the things you can...and said not everything is based on choices. Some don't choose to be sick or poor. I agree the claim that life is based on choices, is a lie some upper class people tell themselves and others. It is priviledge. Doesn't more money allow for MORE CHOICES? I agree we should analyze the choices we are making and do what we can, but yes the constant guilt trip just wears people down. Didn't we get enough guilt from narcs?
ReplyDeleteI's also a good idea to not surround yourself with people that will put a price tag on your head. There are plenty of people like that around who are not necessarily violent. There are those that lie and cheat and hang you out to dry like a rug on a clothes line. You can't tell who they are until you become the target. To me it's like-blaming president Kennedy for driving through Dealy Plaza. I mean he should have known Oswald was on the sixth floor waiting to tag him like a Canadian Moose. Our bad choice's and theirs don't even belong in the same Galaxy
ReplyDeleteI agree. How many judge by how much money you have. Read the post I wrote about fun today. when life is all bean counting numbers and competition, it's like we are not even people anymore just numbers by our heads. We don't choose for evil to be committed against us. Yes it is like blaming Kennedy. We don't get presidents like that anymore....Its the same people who tell you if anything bad happens its your fault.
DeleteI didn't make that many bad choices. I just got saddled mopping up after the bad choices my parents made. And they made a pretty bad life for them selves and then drove away leaving it to me and my sister to clean up after them.
ReplyDeleteI look back and have thought what could I have done differently? I was always trying "hard", and yeah to be told that one's life is the summation of "bad choices" or doing everything wrong is not good. We paid for the bad choices of others.
Delete"Caring" advice from people who think they're just peachy living outside of Christ. Typical ;/
ReplyDeleteAgree and often they point to material success in how they "made it".
DeleteI made some bad choices , but most of the bad things that have wrecked my life were things done to me by evil people where I had no control. I too am mopping up after bad parents. I call it wreckage or the carnage they caused.It's like they tore down a house and I'm just supposed to know how to rebuild it all by myself.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Men behind desks turning their thumbs down on my husband was bad things that wrecked my life and I did not choose it. Yes us ACONS are mopping up after bad parents and the emotional and sometimes even serious physical wreckage they caused. Most kids get taught how to build, they just ripped ours down and lit a match to it and said Tough Luck Kid, you didn't think positive enough.
DeleteI actually had to accept my disability and work with it. Sometimes I feel like the car will fly off the road, or that I'm not organized. The one about not being organized is a real kick in the head, because its when I am not even in control of the situation. I had to put things in order that were messed up, and just do the best that I can. Its kinda good though, for when I find someone exploits any of that, it is only a narcissist, only good people will help me.
ReplyDeleteI hated life for all these sayings. The absolute truth is, we don't usually get to make choices. Life is uncertain, that's what you can be certain of. The challenge for me is to stay present with life, not go off into auto pilot, just trusting everyone I meet, thinking they want the best for me, they don't. And just accept that.
The narcissists abuse people with these platitudes. Its true if you have a disability you have to work with it. Organization doesn't come naturally to all people.
DeleteI don't think we choose as much as some of these people say we do. There's a lot of circumstances out of our control and yes life is uncertain. Yes being on auto pilot not paying attention is when trouble starts.
Hmmm, what do the balancing rocks in that "motivational" monstrosity remind you of?
ReplyDeletehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banknotes_of_Zimbabwe
Somewhat apt, really—such platitudes have roughly the same amount of value.
I agree Joan S. Well said!
ReplyDelete