Quick Study Painting

MudLarking

This video was fascinating to me, in England they can go dig antique pipes from the 1800s right out of the river mud. I supposed you have to know where to find this stuff. This guy found a 500 year old gold coin.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year For The Narcissist

The Holidays are usually hoover time. So be careful out there. After three and half years even I got a phone call, that I screened out with Caller ID. They choose the days of the holidays to come slithering back knowing people are vulnerable at this time of the year.

Step Right Up

Here's a great song shared by Q on his blog. 

In a consumerist society everything's about making "the sale". Same with the positive thinking--get your corns dissolved for only a dollar. Change your life and get rich with a "changed" positive attitude! Hey ACONs know when we are being conned!

As I said on the other post, "Want to fix me? Find another sucker!"

According to Narcissists: Positive Thinking Will Fix Everything

I was told by a troll, that I need to get a more positive attitude, and it will supposedly change my life. My legs will become normal and I'll be thin and my bank accounts will be full. Heaven will unfold and singing will reign across the land. My husband will get hired with full benefits at a job paying him 6 figures. My house will look like Martha Stewart's. My art career will blossom. I will have nothing to complain about. Positive thinking and goal setting will have saved the day. No longer will I be a depressive semi-goth Eyore lamenting about my life on my dastardly navel gazing blog. 

Maybe I'm too old, but I've heard this BS for decades. It never worked.  Mrs. Curses promised me miracles via her deliverance. A Project friend promised me happiness via more volunteer work even though I had volunteered for years and fixing what she criticized. Gwen Shamblin and other diet gurus promised me a thin body if I thought the "right thoughts". Weight Watchers promised me weight loss if I ate "healthily".  Pastors told me I would be blessed and my husband would get a great job if I just removed all sin from my life. Sorry, it's time to live in reality now. I am no longer interested in false promises and being told to be someone else to "deserve" anything. Want to fix me? Go find another sucker.

 Narcissists always use that as a go-to plan. It's a hammer being used on a lot of heads now and it is what has replaced empathy. Instead of people feeling any 'empathy' they have been indoctrinated to believe that any suffering is 'self-caused'. Their instant reaction is to shame and blame anyone who confronts their world view or narcissism in general. Share any troubles, and these types go to town. They would never bare a soul on a blog, they don't have one.

The shaming for not being positive enough is one of their tools. The constant focus on criticism never lets up. They want you smiling and silent.  People who have no consciences are not bothered by messy things like emotions like sadness or despair, or nostalgia or even longing. Emotions piss them off. Every scapegoat raised in a narcissistic family can attest to this. They slapped us hard for crying saying "We will give you something to cry about" but they also at times smacked smiles, laughter and joy off our faces too. 

They want you to shut up. This is why a blog full of emotion pisses narcissists off. They get angry at those who may talk about what they have been through. Blogs full of self reflection are called "selfish", these are the types of people who say "Everyone's got problems" while having no empathy for anyone's problems. They would never share their problems. That breaks the narcissist code of never having vulnerability. Everything is a contest to a narcissist. That is why they compete and even seek to destroy their own children. So when they preach positivity to people realize there alone it is a cup of poison. There's not one damn positive thing about them. Even their preaching of being positive is fake. It's another mask.

Narcissists want us to wear masks too. They hate people who refuse. I refuse. Queen Spider and my father, wanted me to wear masks. My father actually at one point screamed at me, "You need to conform or no one will never accept you". There I was rejected as both Aspie and personally. Every crap narcissist I walked away from demanded the wearing of masks. There was no honesty in their world. Hidden emotions and lies ruled the landscape. Fake friends who try to control your emotions are angry at your failure to wear a mask. A troll showing up here demanding that I wear their mask of forced positive thinking and goal setting, is just one in a long line. Our narcissistic parents were angry that we did not wear the mask of pretending they were loving parents. A cartoon that is honest and says "I hate my mother", sent one zombie narc over the bend. The troll could have been Queen Spider. Who knows. All I know is they all speak the same, their message is the always the same.

It's easy for them to say "Paste the smile on your face". Our entire culture enables narcissistic messages like this, where anyone who faces any problems is told it is their fault. This is why a narcissist troll can come here and feel justified in telling a disabled woman, with multiple health problems, "you just haven't been positive enough, it's all your fault." Even the sneers about me talking about "the man" putting me down is just the words of a narcissist where the corrupt oppressive system serves them. They hate activism and anyone who questions the system. In that alone they are pod people who preach boot-licking to the system that rewards their narcissism. To narcissists politicians are the good guys who "succeeded". Succeed at all costs.

What jerks like this don't realize is many of us scapegoats, smiled for decades and all it did was get us kicked in the teeth.  We already were "nice" and "positive" for years. We always gave the benefit of the doubt to whoever we can as we got exploited and abused.  We didn't realize that we were just opening ourselves up for predators.I used to think that if I am a nice enough person that people will like me and I will become "well-loved".  For many years I was a master of the "fawn" response to abusers.  Even now I have to work against the indoctrinated reaction of becoming silent when someone insults me. I tried very hard to be "nice".  All it did was get me kicked in the teeth. 

The narcissists never worry about being "nice", they are nasty to everyone and consider their words superior and law. Their sheer arrogance shines off every word they speak. They never self correct or ever ask themselves if they could be wrong. That is the trait of every narcissist out there. They consider themselves perfect. Their world is nothing but criticism for the "lesser beings" around them.

Queen Spider never worried about being nice. She was nice to those when it served her, and got her glee inspired smears off her concocted cruelties. Trying to be positive around narcs, is something that just puts you in thicker fog. They get away with more. You go to sleep living in denial. Every scapegoat went through that "make nice" phase, where you patted down troubles, and shut down mind and emotions to pretend everything was okay after being hit and yelled at. You ignore the sabotage in the room as you smile and hustle to help them in the kitchen and make them paintings, imaging yourself breaking through a hard heart to the soft person inside. There is no soft person inside. You've been fooled. You can be nice and positive until the cows come home, it's not going to change a damn thing. 

If anything scapegoats have to light a match to the "be nice" people pleaser crap and learn to stand up for themselves. Standing up for yourself is what gets you ahead in this world. We have to be careful not to become like the narcissists who only care about themselves, but the last thing any scapegoat needs is more shame, blame and criticism where they wake up with their head down.

One of my rules for life that has been developed is I am not longer going to allow anyone to tell me how to feel or who to be or what to think. If people think I am depressing, or full of bad news then they can go watch the Oprah channel. There's plenty of blogs with upper middle class and wealthier women, talking about their endless vacations and "self actualization", go find one of those to make sure you are never challenged. No one is forcing you to read. I think people are tired of Polly Anna crap and being told to smile anyway as the system grows more corrupt. People are sick of being told things are true that are not true.

 If I am a bit depressive and look at the dark-side of life too much, tough, I was made this way.  I'm not going to mold myself for you or anyone else.  It's who I am. The same emotional flow that makes a good painting also is one that looks at reality. I don't want your unicorn candy dreams. They are full of crap. They just depressed me more. Shove your "positive thinking" where the sun doesn't shine.

The whole "positive thinking" stuff is to keep the narcissistic supply flowing for the narcissists in charge.  It's societal demands that you wear a mask. I think more people are interested in dealing with reality. By the way there's no real joy in faking it. Real joy is found in honesty and in being an actual human being.  Real friends are found among those who are real, and I'm thankful for the friends I've met through this blog. I'm tired of the fakes who want me to be fake too. They don't wish us anything good. They just want censorship and masks.

Abandoned Cabin and Homes in the Woods

Sometimes I watch the show called Abandoned on the Vice Network. I used to love to explore as a kid which almost got me in trouble a few times. I lived in too urban of an area to find too many abandoned houses. Later in life, I lived in a rural county full of abandoned houses, my exploring days by then had come to an end. That county was great for antique finds though. I found these videos of these people exploring abandoned houses full of stuff interesting though, like seeing little frozen periods of time. One wonders what happened to the people who simply left the homes. A lot of the houses are a mess, but he makes many interesting finds in them from antique pianos to glass bottles.

The 7 Fattest Women in the World

 Watch this video and notice the swelling body parts especially in those who have one leg much bigger then the other.  Most look like they have failed lymph systems and some definitely like they have undiagnosed Lipedema. According to this video, I was one of the fattest women in the world when I hit my peak weight which is probably true. I was near 700lbs. The feedees definitely need some mental help in "wanting" to be severely obese. I know Mayla Rosales was diagnosed with severe Lipedema, and she had multiple intense surgeries including specialized liposuction to lose weight. Carol Yager looks far smaller on top then the bottom which could be a marker for Lipedema but I remember when she was on various talk shows back in the 1990s trying to save her life.

  How Much Severe Obesity is Actually Swollen with Fluids?

World's Heaviest Woman Fights for Life

The second video says she is diagnosed with Elephantiasis which is basically a failure of the lymph system. Maybe they want the weight loss surgery to have her lose fat weight but obviously her biggest problem is the lymph system.

Walter White: New Appointee

This one was good for a few laughs. Since he is so busy appointing arch-villains, why not one of fictional note?

Sums Up Life on Facebook

Sarah's Scribbles

It's a constant "I love my family and my mother" fest on Facebook. Since I am almost a senior, I have the friends who had their "angelic saints" of mothers who have died. I don't begrudge them their loving mothers. Sometimes Facebook can be a nightmare for the ACON with all the "loving families" for the ACON.

Flu From Hell and Endless Tongue Sores

I've been really sick again. The fatigue is killing me. Life for me has become nothing but sleep and time on the Internet. 

This flu from hell came to get me.  Dry heaves, regular puking, sneezing, congestion, horrible indigestion, and exhaustion formed the extent of the last two weeks. I almost went to the hospital one day because the combination of severe mouth sores and the rest were sending me over the bend. The on-call doctor sent me some Diflucan and Lidocaine for the mouth pain so I stayed home.

 Outside time online in bed, all I am doing is sleeping. My sleep is around 14 hours a day. I may have to ask for a mono test or something. My sugars have kind of sucked being from 140-129 on average lately for fasting but not bad enough to explain what is going on.  I am eating some soft foods like cottage cheese and eggs.  I've cut all spicy, hard or tomatoey foods from the diet. I haven't left my apartment since Dec 3rd. On top of everything our very warm fall turned into a freezing winter so I am completely housebound.

Sometimes I don't know what to do. The thrush or "tongue sores" or whatever it is, is out of control. I have tried yogurt and kefir for probotics.  I was on both Nystatin and Difuclan last week, and my mouth feels like someone lit a match in there and burned it.  No medicines are working. There are sores on the back of my tongue that swelled up during the worse of it, where I felt like I had blisters on the back of my throat where the tongue is and tongue. The sores hurt all the time. Oddly strong doses of Nyquil seemed to cut down their pain the most. I even have wondered about allergies because Nyquil has killed some of the tongue pain but it is not swelling as huge as anaphylatic shock would do and I have no hives or other signs.

 The sores are still there, and still hurt but they don't seem to go away. Before I got this flu, because my mouth hurt all the time and these sores were there, I had the dentist do a cancer screen. Maybe they didn't see the sores on the back of the tongue but they said something about me grinding my teeth and said their light test did not show any cancer.  The sores don't seem to be healing and seem to be getting worse.

I would think cancer except they swell up and go down sometimes. Cancer doesn't "get better" then worse and back and forth. My tongue in the front always has these horrible ridges on it, it's swelling and pushing against my teeth. It is "scalloped" to the max.  It goes from pale white looking to cherry red.  What kind of specialist would deal with this? 

It hurts all the time. Sometimes I get so sick of this body. I have failed to lose any more weight, I don't know what I weigh right now, when I am in bed for days I ironically "lighten" up because a bunch of water weight comes off. My health just seems to get worse and worse. I know some major financial and other stress sent me got me sick. My husband had bad gout, an office worker erased all my medical benefits with an error that took me hours and worry to fix. I just wanted to be able to relax. I'm tired of having to worry about this stupid body.

One thing I haven't talked about but is an on going worsening problem is that my fatigue has worsened. I feel tired all the time.  I have constant guilt thinking I need to do this and that and need to "get my life together" when really all I want to do is sleep.  I put everything off even things I enjoy lately. Somehow the doctors need to take this serious. It is getting in the way of things really badly. There's times I will just sit down on the couch even while watching TV or trying to do art work, and just feel frozen, putting my head back talking myself out of going back to bed to go back to sleep.

I have to "make" myself do everything. Even when I had my art class during the fall, I would use my energy up for that and then go collapse into bed. I feel like going to back to sleep now at 10:20 am. Around noon I am sure I will drag myself into the shower, and maybe do a few dishes. It's not much of a life. I was told my thyroid scores were normal on 300 mgs of Synthroid a day, and I already get  monthly B-12 shot from the at home doctors.

As far as the mouth goes, I get constant teeth-cleaning, and brush my teeth 3-4 times a day and do at least one Water-Piking a day. It hurts a lot. Any advice is welcome. I hope I don't have tongue cancer or something else weird. It could be even something autoimmune creating this problem.

The "flu" or virus from hell is almost gone but fatigue and some coughing is still there. I'll have the doctor look at my tongue, and figure that out. I don't think it is "thrush" anymore and even if it is, something is severely wrong with my immune system.

Dead End Relationships

Deep Conversation

Make sure you are not being "mirrored" by a narc, but in general, the best times of life happen when you can connect and have deep conversation with people who "get it".

Lied to As Usual

I've read he's put TWO Goldman Sachs guys on his cabinet. I'm glad he never fooled me with his fake "populism" and promises of jobs. Already the attacks on Medicare and Social Security have begun. I can tell many have voter's remorse. We get the usual round of rich Republicans who want to make our lives more hellish. No real change. Our elections are selections. I wished I lived in a country with some opportunity and hope instead of constant disappointment and corruption. Sadly the Democratic party too and Obama as well was in with the Goldman Sachs crowd.

Wolves

King of Chicken Legs

These videos are fascinating to me. Maybe because they show a cooperative village in India and the way of life is so different? I know he's not cooking the 100 chicken legs for himself and the other man, he's cooking them for the whole village but they are eating their 2-3 chicken legs and rice before dishing them out to the rest of the village. I like Indian food, it's spicy though I can't afford to eat it too often. It's something cheaper to buy at a restaurant then to collect all the spices for to make at home. They seem like happier and relaxed people though their life is far more primitive. Where do all those dishes get washed?

Dumb as a Box of Rocks?

Has America become as dumb as a box of rocks? Is this a "fake news" meta-test?  I saw the fake rock myself right on the Nordstrom website? Is this advanced pet rocks for yuppies?

When Happiness is Turned into a Contest: It is Ruined

I read this book recently and it questions the "positivity culture" in America where everyone is expected to act positive and like everything is going so great. She moved to California from England and the culture shock of false positivity led her to write this book. I enjoyed it immensely. It is really like America turned into one big cult where the top rules was to "smile" no matter what the money masters do to you.

Childhood Trauma

My ACE score was 8 when I took the test.

There is a definite link between bad adult health and childhood abuse and trauma.

Why Isn't He Fat From Being Unable to Move?

Why isn't he fat from being unable to move?

Maybe he needs to get up and do his 30 minutes of exercise...

Oh yeah sometimes people have health problems....

I mean if moving enough will fix everything, he should be one of the fattest people on the planet being stuck there in his wheelchair.  I get scared of not being able to walk, it keeps me moving around, I know I'd be a thousand pounds within seconds if I ever got wheelchair bound. Why do you think I learned to "take the pain"? After I am on here, I'm taking the bus to the library and downtown to move around some. I have to.

Oh and I've been eating far far less. I have even lost interest in food to a degree, I am picky, I hate a lot of food the food pantries give us and just have no taste for it. Am I losing weight? Not that I can tell.

Anyhow that is a lie that all fat people are lazy. How do you explain all those overweight blue collar workers on their feet at factories or doing plumbing or construction work?

It sounds like his computer voice has changed. I read on a conspiracy website once, it made me laugh that Stephen Hawking was a fake and some disabled guy they got off the street to spout off whatever they wanted him too.  This video almost makes their theory believable. Watching this video, I know a physicist wouldn't know all the ins and outs of medical science, but why can't he take things deeper and ask questions like...

1. Why are people choosing sloth or being less physically active?  For most human history physical activity has been a joy, work was productive, people LIKE moving. Who wants to lay around? What is making human beings more lazy? Depression? Stress of  a sick modern society?

2. Why are people eating supposedly more? Hmm he must not have seen that study I found where they found caloric intake actually had come down. He doesn't even question the hunger cues and why those are skewed. What is getting people to eat too much?

Aren't scientists supposed to ask questions? Why are those two basic ones ignored?

Cortisol? Endocrine problems? Hmm he is just spouting propaganda. You can harangue people night and day to eat less and move more. It's the failed "answer" of 40 years. It's not working on my body and never has. Stephen Hawking has failed us.  He's a bad scientist with this one.

Everyone Knows

A perfect song for the Trump presidential victory. Also a good song to play for Kool-Aid drinkers and believers in the meritocracy. There's something about living in the "real world" and realizing how it operates among narcissists.