I hate when people ghost me. Maybe I had my fill of the narcissistic silent treatments. When someone treats me like they are slamming a door in my face, it brings back some of those uncomfortable feelings left from my family. The family of course kept me around enough to observe and control, but the disinvites, being ignored and having doors always shut in my face when I tried to be closer is part of my history.
I can't trust someone once they have ghosted me, and there's ignored messages. I tried to message the person in question a couple times and then just gave up. I'm not going to chase people down.
With ghosting, it's cold and cruel, and it's not behavior I like. When I went no contact, or moved on from someone, I usually said why or how, or wrote a email or letter. Sometimes relationships don't work out because two people are on two very different paths, some are not meant for the long term and of course sometimes things are toxic. I've had polite partings where I've told someone, "oh we are on a different path", and it was left at that. However ghosting stuff doesn't have that mutual agreement at the end, it just comes out of the blue. It's better to tell someone rather then leave then hanging. Maybe I am just a different person. I have to realize not everyone connects to other people the same way.
I wonder if the "ghosters" know they are hurting people or even if they care? I've told people better you tell me off or even cuss me out then pull that ghosting stuff on me. It's not right. I still worry that I am falling into the mode, of being someone that tries to be there for people, I have few other resources to offer sadly and get into this mode of trying to "help them" or offer some emotional support but while I see them as an actual friend, maybe they don't? I am not sure. Some of this stuff gets so complicated. There's probably social things Aspie me is never going to figure out or understand.
Some people who are not victims of narcissistic abuse have poor manners or are just immature. I had people who ghosted me too, including whom I thought were my close friends. When supposedly close friends ghosted me, I concluded they were either two-faced or probably used me as their ministry or charity project rather than seeking a friendship with me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe people who ghosted you chose to use you for something and did not have a friendship in mind. No, these people do not care if they hurt us. They know that they hurt us but do not care. I hope you will find better friends online and in person this year. These people who ghosted you might be as toxic as your parents and siblings.
Yeah I know people can just have poor manners or be immature. Yeah it can be disappointing to be ghosted. Sorry you had people who did it, you thought were close friends. Yeah some may be two faced, or just see you as a ministry or "charity project". Perhaps in my case, my Aspergers made me assume a "friendship" was there that really was not. They may have just seen me as someone to talk to for a time and didn't make any more of it. Yeah I realize they don't care. I mean I've been done this pike before, where you try to ask them what is going on, you don't hear back. With some we may even admit we are hurt, but the non-response remains. Thanks Anon. I can't keep company with anyone who makes me feel like my family did, that's for sure. I understand people being busy, even for weeks and weeks, but you can tell a difference between someone whose busy, and someone who is doing a ghost out. I get behind and try to be understanding.
DeleteThere was an article about this in The Guardian, "Why Ghosting Haunts Modern Relationships". 80% of millenials have been ghosted. Lots of people hate it, but it is very very common.
ReplyDeleteHappened to me many times. Even relatives and people who've been my best friends for years did it to me.
Why? I think everyone has a different set of reasons. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you.
I've done it myself...usually because I got evicted and lost my internet access, or my computer got broken or stolen, and the contact info gone with it.
A small handful of times, I could feel a friend's feelings for me cooling, and got the strong feeling they didn't care if I was there anymore or not. They even said so. One-sided friendships suck, so I left.
People ghost for lots of reasons. Maybe one big one is they're scared of bad drama. Telling someone you're breaking up with them often triggers intense, raw feelings, having to maybe deal with hours of crying and anger and possible reprisals/retaliation--or at least the fear of that. Fear of a bad confrontation.
I can see why people would prefer to avoid all that. Ghosting is so much easier. It's instant, easy, drama-free, no muss, no fuss. Just click "block" and it's over.
Also, this isn't a culture that places much value on bonding or friendships. Employers often expect people to move long distances multiple times as part of their job.
And it's an overcrowded world. People come and go like mayflies. We've all known thousands of people who are gone forever; classmates, coworkers, neighbors, strangers all around us, a sea of faces. Old faces get replaced by new ones every day. Because there's so many, people just don't value any single friendship as much. You lose someone, you gain someone maybe the very next day, or even the next few seconds. You never really know if the next time you socialize with someone will be the last time, ever.
And the internet is much the same. Some just dip a toe in it and leave forever. Some stay a short while. Some get addicted to it and decide they need to quit the addiction if they don't want their offline life to fall apart.
Some have abusive SO's who are forcing them to give up a social life. Some fall in love with someone else and lose interest in their platonic friends. Some never saw us as anything more than a temporary acquaintance. Some simply outgrew us. Or they didn't even realize we really, really liked them.
Everyone has a different set of reasons to ghost someone.
I've lost so many people over the years...it's hard for me to bond with anyone now, because any of them can disappear forever at any time without notice. And it may not even be within their control. Like me losing my internet access for months at a time, or all my contact info was stolen or lost.
Or, like my late best friend Anna, with a fatal medical disorder, who told me one evening, "chat you later...smoooch!"...then I was informed a few days later by mutual friends she died. She never said goodbye. She knew death was imminent, but chose to keep it quiet from me, because she wanted our last time together to be a happy time. Wanted my last memory of her to be a happy, loving, cheerful, funny one. She saw that as her final gift to me.
Yes ghosting has become very common. I agree people do hate it. I know a lot of people want to avoid confrontations, but I tend to think honesty is better, but there can be cases too where people are so scary or toxic, vanishing is done for safety reasons. I've had a few of those instances, where arguing would have been too much trouble or open, sharing of why I walked.
DeleteWith relatives, I was "ostracized" and "not liked" but kept around to be the scapegoat, so i was contacted or hoovered. Because of the smear campaigns there was ghostings, Aunt Scapegoat ignored me, and I never knew what I did, there was even a happy time and conversations one Christmas in the mid 2000s, and then I was just SHUT OUT. This happened with others too, like my father's entire family, sent Christmas cards, said hello, put in letters etc.
I know there can be times where people get evicted, or sick or due to poverty lose their internet. I try to catch up with people when that stuff happens. I've disappeared before due to severe illness. I was OUT OF LIFE for two weeks, though posting a little bit online in a haze. My posting on this blog has slowed down, over the last years, so that happens. Ive had to tell a close friend, that my health is going to keep the emails and phone calls fewer but I still care about her. The energy is just not there. So yeah that is one thing chronically ill people have to share. I need to tell people there's going to be less time on Facebook, due to my health.
conintuing
DeleteI know some friendships die out, people get distracted, you figure out there's not as much in common or to talk about. There's toxic ones, like a newly recovered ACON, may leave, in those cases, I did talk things out, I drew boundaries, those didn't work and made decision to leave.
I know people fear bad drama. Maybe this friend who recently ghosted me, was upset at my bad advice. Maybe my advice did suck. I am trying to work on giving people less advice now, because this world is too complicated and given the troubles of my own life, what the hell do I know? LOL I know I get into this mode of wanting to "help" people but I can barely help myself so maybe it's a bad place to be stuck.
Yeah, I had times where I knew things needed discussed but it was hard. One thing is there can be serious disappointment and hurt, where maybe you don't want an relationship to end but you have to draw boundaries, there were times, where I thought if they will work with me, or even just validate me a little or listen, then we can work things out and heal this, and well that didn't work out. Maybe that is rarer. I do feel like some people can be so closed off now. Maybe I am guilty as well.
I think all the moving and changes in society has destroyed ideas of friendship and social bonds too. Even "families" don't mean much anymore. Even when I before I was "no contact" I didn't mean anything to aunts and uncles, I lived long distance from. Some probably barely even knew me anymore. I didn't have money to go visit people, so that chipped away at the possible success of any relationships or positive memories to help things along. Even with the more decent cousins, I'm a far away mirage.
Yeah i've had to move so much, and even if a person is in a place for a period of time, others will move from you. It's like a dance where dance partners swing out and in. It is interesting to read old books, and how people had "lifelong" friends and people in their community they had close bonds with for years and years, and well this is vaporizing.
It's interesting too you bring up the overcrowding, I wonder too, about how this has affected things. Like maybe some think well if this person leaves others will take their place, it's like they don't connect or bond in the same way, they figure so many have come and gone, it doesn't matter. I think my Aspergers makes me see human relationships differently, I never got used to things being so short-term. I had people die too and some I didn't even know what was happening when they were long distance and yes that can be painful too.
I do know one thing. We would value each other a whole lot more, if people were a lot rarer on this planet.
ReplyDeleteAgree, I wonder about over-population and the devaluement of human life, coinciding, where one just becomes a statistic. We hear about hundreds of thousands dying in disasters like the tsunami of 2004, and maybe the human brain is flipping into a pain and horror driven off switch.
DeleteWhen I was semi homeless- staying with friends of friends I asked a good friend if I could stay at her place one night to be able to get to a work commitment on time. She freaked out went all over the top- the request was for one night. “Friend” never spoke to me again, did not answer her phone, blocked me on her emails even when a mutual acquaintance passed away.
ReplyDeleteI guess it took this to realize she wasn’t a real friend. I wonder what she would have done if I asked to borrow $10?