All of this meme is very accurate, the hoovering is about portraying herself as "abandoned victim" who "tried"
This may surprise everyone but after almost 13-14 years of being gone, I am still hoovered! Hoovering is when an ex-scapegoat goes no contact, and the narcissists or other abusers try to "suck" them back into the morass. I didn't post for some years about various hoovering attempts, it was better to ignore them. I decided to stop writing about it on here to ignore them more. I decided to write this so I can tell people that this can continue very late in the game and to warn others. There were multiple attempts. She sent a few cards that went to the wrong address, and there was the event I describe below, but the last phone calls were in 2015 until the month of May with the "anniversary call", this week, we got multiple phone calls.
Outside of one cousin who called me to tell me he was divorced, I haven't heard from any other family member in almost 10 years. I went no contact with the last of them in 2017. No one has attempted contact, or written a letter or sent a card or gift, or even told me off outside of the one call from the divorced cousin. I wrote all nieces and nephews who were old enough before no contact and asked the one niece to visit me when she could, but none had anything to do with me either.
This makes it even creepier that she is the ONLY one that has bothered me. Does she control everyone so much, they are scared to contact the only one who got away? She had turned most of them against me or distance made them no longer interested. Well we really have no relationships. I don't have a relationship with her, so why bother me?
Somehow she found our number. The phone is shut off today, he may get it back on. Later he told me it may need a repair and wasn't shut off. Maybe she will call it while it's off and think we have moved. I hope so.
This is the landline he uses for work, we debate shutting off for good but he has kept it for work. They are the double-dipping phone company I mentioned in the last article. She called me 4 times in 24 hours according to Caller ID. I've been gone so long, she doesn't even know I am deaf, and can't hear the phone ring. She is really old so I was surprised she wasn't in the nursing home. It was a residential number.
In 2023 my name was in a local paper [not her town] for a hobby related event and she showed up. I wasn't there. She scared the people there, so much so they shared her picture around and said "Watch out for this woman!". This had to do with strange things she said.
This event was a positive in my life, and she sought to undermine me. She said double-talk stuff to insult me. It was so over the top, I wondered if she was losing it back then! It was kind of like a repeat of the book contest as a child. Ex-Scapegoat gets positive attention, and she has to come run and mess it up and try to turn people against the ex-scapegoat. This failed thankfully in this case, as I had some smart and truly kind people around me who believed me. I never had contact with her even during all this, but I was put in the position to warn others about her! I never wrote about this event, because I wanted to focus on the positive things at the time. It still is mostly a fond memory.
After this she seemed to retreat some, there was only a yearly card, I thought, "Well she's moved on". I never broke contact, or contacted her or anyone else. What was there to say? I said it all in my no contact letter. Sure, for years I had fantasies of tell-offs, but I already lost enough tell-off times where she simply didn't care. What is interesting in my no contact letter I told her, she could write me and if she actually talked to me, I may respond. I never had been talked to in any real way in my entire life by this woman. My expectation was that it never would happen and it did not. That email was emptied out this year. Thankfully I stored some needed correspondence elsewhere. I neglected it so much in the last few years. I still have the address but was annoyed they erased all my emails the last time I was there. [Hmm add that to the bad companies list, no one told me]
from my no contact letter:
" You can email me if you choose and actually start talking to me if you choose, otherwise I have to keep trying to work on my health and trying to find/bring happiness among people I feel good around."
So if some estranged parents want to whine and cry about their no contact adult children who leave no way to contact them, I left the door open a teeny crack. No email was ever written. That's the interesting thing about my egg donor and her personality structure. Her number one rule is "Never open up". I've talked about over the years, some of my analysis of her. How she never showed vulnerability or fear in her entire life and was incapable of introspection or even emotions that normal humans have like nostalgia. There truly was nothing to work with there. Absolutely nothing! When your mother is your first bully, often that's an archenemy formed for life until you escape.
It's troubling to me, because while I write about ACON stuff here, it will be naturally brought up more. I am glad I can talk about some of the crazy stuff here too. Writing it all down does help me try to make sense of the insanity. This blog does get very good traffic, and I hope it has helped others dealing with these issues all these years. There's been over 4 and half million views of this blog over the years. The monthly numbers are pretty good. I don't make money here, it's just writing I like doing, in bed from time to time, but I hope there's other ACONS and supersized people I have helped over the years.
In real life, I just went on, and well, you are focused on other things and don't want reminded of the past or have someone pop up who you used to be afraid of like a monster. It feels pathetic to be THIS OLD, and I am almost ready for the senior center, having psycho Mommy track me down. It's weird. She never liked me. When I was still TRYING, I used to ask her to visit me and would go visit her, while being very ill and broke. My brother claimed he even told my sister and mother to stop blowing me off and driving by my apartment without stopping. I don't know if I believe that, he never defended me once in front of my face. Maybe he thought it, but it never happened.
Some other ACONS claimed on their websites and boards that the narcissists would hunt you down like a dirty dog for the rest of your life unless you moved far away where they didn't know what town you were in. I knew nothing was going to change unless I changed. Thank God for information online years ago to escape this mess.
With the creeps, I had to assume the worse to protect myself and they did fulfill the worse of indifference, hatred, lack of boundaries, disrespect and coldness. Fog and Fantasy time were over, I had to face the truth of their disdain and disrespect for me. As I wrote many times, I realized I never had a family, I didn't lose anything walking away. No contact isn't easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and to stay alive. I had been invisible for years as they told me how "busy" they were over and over. The push and pull of constant "rejection" but being bothered were unusual.
The weirdness of these attempted contacts are even creepier then. They didn't want me around when I was around. I was left out of endless events, disinvited from family events and parties. She was embarrassed of my weight and refused to be seen in public with me for over 20 years. Here is even one creepier thing, some may ask "Why don't you get the law involved?" She seems to know the harassment laws, hey remember she knows I went to paralegal school, she kept the attempted contacts intermittent enough for me not to pursue those avenues. Sometimes I wouldn't hear anything for a year or 18 months at a time which was just fine by me. The less the better.
I would think maybe she's finally moved on but she would pop up again like a ground hog on crack. Ground Hog Day would be repeated over and over. I ignore her, and never respond, but she got my husband on the phone in May [no phone calls since 2015!] and he didn't recognize her voice, and was in a bothered mood doing a work project. She continued with the same cold weird lines, she said "Happy Anniversary" in this weird sarcastic tone and hung up him! That line reminded me of the one-line cards that would show up, that basically said nothing or questioned my "perceptions". I mean it when nothing is really said. Remember when I used to post about her weird cards? Those stopped thankfully but she does not know my address but obviously knows my general area with the phone calls.
Five Hundred Pound Peep: Why is She Wasting Her Time and Stamp?
Five Hundred Pound Peep: She Owns the Family
I often wanted to move from this area, some can read my old housing posts on here but it didn't work out. I planned to disappear when I moved and leave no trails even to feel more safe. It just didn't pan out. If I had it to do over I would have gone a lot further away when I was young. There are things I like here and medical care I need so be it.
The odd thing is I don't understand the motives of all this. Maybe those ACONS saying they'd hunt you down like a dirty dog were right. She is very old now. I am getting old. I am not the same person, if I was in a room with any of these people, probably 5 minutes would pass and I would be raising my middle finger and walking out. My husband and I got into this long conversation about the fact we put up with too much crap from people. His family wasn't as severe as mine but there were some negative dynamics there too such as when his father was always making him pay his bills when he was still living at home and charging as much as he could. One example was renting too expensive of a car, when his father's car broke down instead of a more economical one. I said, "We put up with way too much crap!" He nodded. It was something we changed, and we built better boundaries. They probably would be in shock. I wouldn't be the scared scapegoat kissing their ass and patting down everything to 'stay nice", I know what they are now.
I also don't believe in the system like they do. I would lay down money that my entire family lined up to do Fauci's bidding. Maybe a few Republicans like Uncle Narcissist got angry and quit getting boosters after the first or second dose, but chances are, I'm the only one who said No. I know my brother got it, Trumpster or not from a friend who saw "I got my Covid vaccine" stuff on his Facebook.
By the way, their hatred and rejection of me, will pan out in their lives in other ways, remember Celiac Disease and Lipedema are GENETIC. Many of them do have bad health, and there's at least two young family members who show signs of Lipedema, but no one listened to me about having it. I told all parties when I left including my mother and sister in the no contact letter about Lipedema, but because I was so ignored and invisible, no one will address these medical issues. My mother in all her attempted contacts never mentioned it. Why would she? It puts her abuse of me for being fat in a far different light. She had no empathy or understanding.
Why keep contacting me then?
1. The rest of the family chose her, I am no threat to any of the rest of the relationships in the family. She's the bee knees, and I am long ago forgotten about. We are all strangers. The nieces and nephews want nothing to do with me. I reached out to all before leaving, and asked on niece directly to come visit me when she could. She never did. Unless they got sick of her crap and exited to stage left, they were all on her team. Many served as enablers to her and always did her bidding. Why bother the "troublemaker" then? I haven't heard from one family member since 2017 except for the divorced cousin and even with the divorced cousin, the phone call was so awkward where he asked nothing about me, I felt like the phone call probably had been ordered by my mother, to make sure I would not strike an alliance with his ex. I barely knew the woman.
2. Some ACONs especially older ones, talked about how they were manipulated or messed with to take on caretaking for very elderly narcissistic parents. It is often a role scapegoats are manipulated into especially if they do not heal or don't manage to go no contact or escape. I think back to that cousin who told me off and threatened me, the one who went on about my lux life next to the lake and told me I should be sleeping with the fishes. My life probably is a lot better then hers even being disabled. She was her mother's caretaker for at least 20 years up to the time I left. She probably was a caretaking scapegoat, she worked in a factory and was poor while her brother rose up the union ranks, and had his children marrying multimillionaires. Before I went no contact with them, both of them complained to me, that the newly married nieces and grandchildren who married the multimillionaires were ostracizing them and they didn't even know the address of one. Anyhow that motive for hoovering would not apply to my situation.
I can't caretake anyone. I need caretaking at my level of disability and am barely staying out of the nursing home myself. I am deaf with bad balance on a walker, I can barely walk one fourth of a city block without multiple rests. I'm sick all the time, I dry heaved from a migraine yesterday though I got better later in the day and was able to eat. I'm not caretaking anyone.
3. She always considered me an embarrassment. I was hidden from friends and others in the community. She told me herself, when I feared I would be homeless soon, "Well, you're not coming here!" and she told me she didn't even want me to move to her town! She refused to be seen in public with me for 20 years due to my severe obesity. Didn't I do her a favor in walking then? It is so strange and psychotic. Why would you "want" someone back in your life you've always hated? Leave me alone!
4. Maybe I have stayed the scapegoat in absentia. The smear campaigns probably reached epic proportions but I wasn't around to know. I cut off even the most obscure family friend. The person who saw my brother's vaxx signs on his Facebook was an online friend who had no connection to my family. I don't know if anyone else new became the scapegoat. I do think the goldens since they live far away, probably aren't investing the time in someone growing more elderly and maybe she's lost the ability to travel and get around, I simply don't know. I don't care. I just don't want to be bothered. I don't want reminded. I'm done. It's over. The whole mess. I was done trying in 2013. There's nothing there for me.
One will note with a nauseous feeling is that the narcissists never learn, or grow or change their tactics. It's the same old crap over and over. One lady on an ACON board told me, they don't quit until they are gone. Some ACON websites always warn they will hoover for CONTROL even for decades. I remember those warnings. They are serving me now. Otherwise I never could make sense of any of this.
Ollie Matthews once called narcissists "Terminators" years ago. He warned people you can't reason and you can't argue with it. That applies! It's good I got these warnings from other ACONS. Let this article be a warning to others too. You can be disabled, even start getting old yourself and they can still hoover you! Just stay away, and don't react. Ignore them.
One lady wrote me on an ACON board, "She wants CONTROL of YOU." That's it in a nutshell. That made sense to me. I've given nothing but silence. The scapegoating served her, she can't let go of it.
They use scapegoats to blame, and to dump all their trash on, and I believe this continues even long after we get out and walk away. They don't change or grow so you see them still floundering like a fish, like a broken machine on repeat saying and doing the same things. That's the creepy thing about all this. They are like robots stuck on a repeating tape.
I told my husband I think she does these intermittent contacts so she can claim to the others falsely that she cares. It is to preserve her image that she was a "caring" mother and that the scapegoat is the problem, and was evil from the get-go. I wrote about how empty the cards were and the one line crap years ago, but the message in the cards didn't matter, it was so she could make the appearance of and tell others: "I am a loving mother, I tried to contact her and she refused to talk to me". She is invested in keeping the same poisonous and rotten system going even to the bitter end. Since my family operated like a cult, the outsiders must always be shamed, punished and "kept track of". I was warned years ago by other ACONS and this protected me, I am thankful to them all. These type of toxic parents do not change, and these things will keep going on repeat.
I used to feel more fear during these times. Now I am annoyed, but at least I was prepared in some ways for what I would be dealing with. I do have to think of safety issues and I know I wish after this many years it still wasn't happening.
I remind myself I don't have to talk to anyone I don't have to. That's it. I never have to deal with her again if I don't want to. She's like the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, all blather and emptiness. There's nothing there. She never knew me, or cared to. She's empty. She's like a machine on repeat, that's the scary thing about all this but since human emotions aren't present, what do I expect? `
The only thing I can do is just stay away, which I am doing and will continue to do.
You never told me about the book contest incident! I went and read that entry with great interest, along with the responses that it generated. The whole thing sounds nutty, even by your mom's twisted standards, though I wonder if her objections were race-based -- since the book was steeped in African culture. I say this, because your folks seemed to really flip out when you voiced any kind of interest in that, I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI think your counterpart's description ("Terminators") is perfect, since they often do come across as machinelike in nature. As I recall, your mom's and sister's predominant modes tended to stick in three gears (angry, bitchy, or impatient). I certainly don't recall them being terribly warm or forthcoming most of the time, not even around the little ones that they rhapsodized about so much.
As far as to why she still bothers, it may stem from trying to pass off her attempts as caring or concerned, though I think the control aspect is pretty strong, too. She'd hardly try and buy all of your artwork, if that wasn't the case! I still shake my head whenever I think of that, just how extreme that gesture was -- I can only just imagine how it came across to the folks who were encountering it for the first time.
Sometimes, I think you should retitle your blog, "98% Of You Out There Shouldn't Be Parents," due to all the heartbreak that spills forth, via those various responses that you get. Most of it stems from abuse at the hands of people who were singularly ill-prepared to become moms or dads, and didn't grow into that role, as time passed.
As I've often said, I can think of few societies that rhapsodize about that idealized version of parenthood so endlessly, yet do so little to prepare anybody for it -- because, hey, they need you back at the hamster wheel, which doesn't allow for such silly little fripperies as forming meaningful relationships with your own children. Or something like that. --Mr. Peep
Yeah the book contest thing was crazy, I'm glad you read that one Mr. Peep. I still have the book in my papers too and kept it. I think there was a racist tinge to the whole thing too where she was angry that they gave me a book about a folktale in Africa. Just crazy. I'm glad I kept the book, it was squirreled away actually with that sketch book too, remember the ones with everyone draw as Peanuts characters.
DeleteMy parents would flip out over anything African American or other cultures. I had to watch "What's Happening" or "What's Happening Now" in secret if that tells you anything.
Yeah Ollie Matthews hit an important description there with Terminator. They are like machines. There's no adjustment or analysis of what they are doing. The lack of emotions too gives that machine like action too.
You are right about my mother's and sister's predominant modes being anger, bitchiness and impatience. I sometimes would see my mother be nice to other people and laugh like when company came over. She never laughed or smiled at us. Remember when we used to visit, we were always talking to her husband while she barely said a word. I never saw any warmth or true conversation. It's sad to think about, the distance of time and space really shows how terrible it all was. You lived with someone for 21 years of your life. [some time spent away at college] and you can't remember one real conversation or smile or them laughing at a joke or hug. Yeah, it was like that. My sister had some friendliness when very young but that disappeared around high school. I remember how much they rhapsodized about the young too, but wonder how they were treated behind closed doors too?
Yeah I think the meme explains it, its about at least the appearance of attempts. As I talked to you, none of the others came back around or made any attempts, or apologies so I had to face the fact there was no bond with any of them, there truly was not and the same applies to her. Why pretend if it's not there? Remember when I wrote in my no contact letter, that if someone shuts a door in your face enough times, you walk away. [apply that to the whole family]
continuing...
DeleteWith the art work, I didn't want my poor paintings to end up burning with a hot flame in a pyre. I'll never forget how she acted with glee when Aunt Scapegoat destroyed that painting I gave her. I asked Aunt Scapegoat and heard some excuses that made no sense. There's a definite control factor here, "she must be kept track of no matter what!" Why???!!! They didn't want me around when I was around. Honestly what did they really expect? Me to sit around taking their crap and endless rejection forever. If people treat you like shit and turn you away every other second, you're not going to stick around. Even their forever bragging about how "busy" they were, which I think was a slam against me being disabled got tiring. We have had far better years without them around, seriously, think about that. Life was more peaceful, calm and when we did face troubles it was better without their burden and judgement. I'm happy we have had each other.
LOL that would make a good title for a blog. I do think less people are having kids, but sadly the less introspective ones who want Mini-Mes to show off, will be more likely to pop them out. There is a lot of heartbreak out there. I know I've shared mine for years, some people have written me telling me I helped them with what they faced, so I was glad to be able to do that. I do think narcissism is off the charts and our society has changed in very poisonous ways, destroying culture, social connections and former familial bonds.
I think many people become parents that shouldn't. I even think of my own, and they definitely have issues but that they would have been better off never having kids.. Maybe they would have just tortured office mates or neighbors or something instead.
Yeah this society double talks all the time, many of those regretful parents, remember that reddit board I talked to you about, talk about the false dream not measuring up to the reality. I guess they needed more cogs in the wheel for a while so promoted everyone having kids. The relationships are definitely dying on the vine as career, and competition and overwork are everything now. Families, take time, energy, love and stability and this society lacks that to the max.
Thanks for your post Mr. Peep!
Funny that your folks flipped over both "What's Happening" shows, since Raj, Dwayne and Rerun were as white bread as it got, character-wise -- I mean, I didn't know any Black folk into the Doobie Brothers (to cite the infamous "bootlegging caper" episode that featured them)! Conversely, my dad loved both of them -- because they were non-threatening, I imagine. One of the great ironies of those shows is that Eric Monte, the Black guy who wrote the script for "Cooley High" -- often seen as a major forerunner of "Good Times" -- specifically crafted them, (or wanted to, anyway) as statements of the Black experience.
ReplyDeleteI believe that "What's Happening" was supposed to be set in South Central LA, until the network said that wouldn't fly. So he made some changes, resulting in the vaguely suburban-type setting that we all know today.
But racist thinking leads to a lot of peculiar decision-making, as we know from the Bushies, who believed that absurd story of bin Laden camping out in a cave -- which he did briefly, out of necessity, in fleeing Afghanistan. But I always thought, "Give me a break! He's a rich brat, who's had the best of everything, and he's not gonna give it up, even on the run!"
Which he didn't -- as you know, they found him living in a big city, only blocks from the local police station! So I guess it was the Gus Fring Theory ("I'm like you -- I hide in plain sight"), but it still led his pursuers down a lot of weird rabbit holes. So I'd say your folks were hardly unique, in that respect, though I think they missed out on a lot. Both shows, however campy they seem today, are considered classics, which points the other weakness of that thinking -- you end up missing out on things that are really good. And how cool is that? Not very, in the final analysis.
Still, it's strange that nobody in your family felt the calling of show biz tempting them, because it seems like they were always just playing a part (The Loving Mom, The Concerned Dad, The Dutiful Big Bro, and so on). It reminds me of how Skyler chides Walty, as they're going over their "cover story" (in "Bullet Points"), and he keeps questioning her script. To which she responds, "Maybe lying just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to you, Walt."
A pity you didn't have someone like her to run interference, as she makes clear later on, when she bitches him out for buying that bottle of champagne: "Somebody has protect this family from the man who protects this family." Which just about says it all, doesn't it? --Mr. Peep
Mr. Peep,
DeleteIt's good to hear your take on this. Thanks for giving your version of what happened.
Very bizarre situation, indeed.
Usually when people want power, control and attention so badly, they go 'round and 'round like a squirrel in their minds trying to find a way to effectively "hurt or hoover" their scapegoat(s). This sounds very ineffective, and also nonsensical (or just something that requires minor "image fluffing" in their minds; i.e. "I tried".
"Not trying hard enough to make a difference" perhaps was intentional? "I don't want to work at this very much; too hard"?
I've noticed when the boundaries are really hard to overcome ("no address found", "no phone number found", a "home security system installed", "too many friends and protectors", "fear of 'being exposed'", "fear of beng exposed as 'prejudiced'", these hoovering attempts become wimpy. Can be a good thing for scapegoats, knowing that most of them get put in a worse scapegoat role with "false imprisonment traps" for most of them.
Yeah it was crazy they flipped out over that show, and I agree it was in the suburbs, interesting they didn't put it in South Central. It didn't teach anything bad, I remember Raj's mother was very religious and it's just crazy to think about. They were the same about "Good Times" too. I am glad your Dad loved both of them.
DeleteI saw Cooley High a few years ago remember on the movie network channel before we shut off cable. I thought it was good. He was showing real lives of black people, I think that was a great thing. I always liked Good Times and I thought that show brought up a lot of issues, you see me mention it on this blog from time to time, even the poverty and struggles they faced were universal and something I related to. All those shows had a lot of good things, I worry now kids never see examples of people supporting one another or standing up for what is right on TV now.
Yeah it was racism, kind of sad. I'm glad I got to see these shows and others. Agree about Bin Laden, Bin laden was educated in Europe along with all his other brothers and sisters. Some on conspiracy boards used to say Bin Laden was a false character, a composite, I can see it. Yeah I remember when they said they caught him by the police station. Sometimes I think the Truman Show of society just makes crap up. Remember they have various psych ops and propagandas running all the time.
Yeah it is sad they refused to watch those shows but that was the hard headed mentality I lived around.
You are on to a truth there about my family all playing "parts", malignant narcissism is an acting part. Remember that email where she bitched me out for not knowing what it was like to have 25 people coming for a visit?
https://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2016/09/keep-your-old-emails-to-know-why-you.html
"
When was it said that you are ruining the Christmas event. I merely stated that I was sorry I volunteered NOT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT BECAUSE OF THE WORK involved. Having 25 people in your home is not something that doesn't require work. You would know this, how?"
All those parties, "work" and events, and I guess she let it slip she resented and hated doing it all. But the "show" must go on of the loving MOTHER with her presents and busting at the seams dining room table.
I thought about this over the years, how she resented the role she imposed on herself. She was so busy impressing neighbors, extended family to keep her outside image going. They all were far more important than I ever was.
That email BTW is more sick than I realize at first glance, even denying that I was fighting for my own life. The lack of conscience and empathy show there, "you did nothing": which was a FLAT OUT LIE.
My father did this stuff too, his office loved him, still remember his funeral all these people told me how wonderful my father was. I went to work a few times with him, he was always smiling, like a union boss or something. They had no idea what he was like behind the scenes.
Agree about the scene with Skylar. Walt lied all the time and it came naturally. When the veil was ripped off my mother, I realized how much she lied. I knew she did some as a kid even but I didn't realize how extensive it was. If their mouth was open they probably were lying.
I wish I did have someone to run interference for sure, she's got a group of 40 people all believing her lies. Maybe the gifts and dinners had them all sell out but they weren't the type of people to question much.
Wow, good post! I'm going to link to this one after I get my own blog about hoovering up.
ReplyDeleteThis perfectly explains how most scapegoats feel about hoovering (your words):
"Fog and Fantasy time were over, I had to face the truth of their disdain and disrespect for me. As I wrote many times, I realized I never had a family, I didn't lose anything walking away. No contact isn't easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and to stay alive. I had been invisible for years as they told me how 'busy' they were over and over. The push and pull of constant 'rejection"'but being bothered were unusual.
The weirdness of these attempted contacts are even creepier then. They didn't want me around when I was around. I was left out of endless events, disinvited from family events and parties. "
Obviously I'm really interested in this topic because I write about it. So this personal experience of it is priceless.
Thanks Lise, and thanks for linking to this article later for your hoovering article. I look forward to reading it soon.
DeleteThanks for selecting that quote too. This woman disinvited me from her OWN WEDDING, and told me there would be no reception when there was. [I didn't even talk about the stuff I found out with her, aka she never knew that I knew]
I have been told on ACON boards they think my hoovering has been extreme for the amount of time that has passed and the fact there are absolutely no family ties left but most point out the "control factor" over and over.
Lise, I am glad for your supportive comments with Mr. Peep's take on the situation. I'm glad he posts here from time to time to talk about what he witnessed.
DeleteYou mention squirrels and it is kind of like that, why does she keep doing things that don't work over and over, there is a repetitive quality that is kind of creepy to all this, doing what doesn't work over and over makes no sense. Just leave it be. Well I mentioned in the article, her real reason may be to claim she tried to contact me so she can keep her facade of the loving mother and me as the horrible one, who kept my door shut. Even those cards, once I showed this old friend some cards my mother sent after my no contact and she said right away the cards looked like someone trying to pretend to be a loving mother and it was shocking how there were no personal comments in them. "It's like she doesn't even know you" [no she didn't]
The Hoovering attempts are wimpy, though since I believe mine is high on the spectrum I don't want her getting more "ambitious" ideas, if you get my drift, I do worry about destruction and sabotage behind the scenes given her connections and more. However there's a point it would seem even they would figure out what they are doing is not working and would just move on. Some do and pick new scapegoats. Surely by now, she knows I am not coming back. I already have made the decision if I am homeless etc, I am still not going back. She may have hoped for economic desperation [much of what she set up and made happen] to bring her back to my doorstep. I do hope she's gotten too old to carry the show on with the others but I don't think they are the type of people to have much introspection. They probably don't even remember me or even ask "Where'd she go?" and "Why'd she leave?". [I told all of them as I walked about the door] but these were pretty obtuse people. I just want left alone. Thanks for your posts.
"Disinvited to a wedding" - there's so much of that in ACON discussion groups. It's a power play for sure: "If I smear the reputation to enough people, will they actually disinvite her?"
DeleteI've also heard ACON discussions asking family to protest the wedding "by not showing up." Lots of ACONs get married where their whole spouse's family show up and only one or two seats on the bride's (or groom's) side of the family. But of course, men are usually the golden child (not always, but mostly), so it's usually the bride's side of the family that doesn't show up.
The thing that these parents don't realize is that often the spouse's side of the family loves her and takes her in as one of their own.
So, all of these smear campaigns to keep the bride from enjoying her own wedding turn out to be an epic fail.
One of the first things I noticed when joining ACON discussions was how much narcissists enjoy destroying the wedding of their scapegoat and disinviting the scapeoat to someone else's wedding, or showing up totally inebriated with drunken acting abilities and shouting to get the attention on them instead of on their child.
Apparently, they can't help but be a wrecking ball when it comes to weddings.
So by no means don't you take this personally! I think these kinds of things happen to all scapegoats children.
Yeah mine smeared me to enough people, where I wasn't invited to weddings, I know a nephew and a cousin got married. Mine probably have played games, "We don't know where she lived" or email but they had my latest email address, the older email was still active at the time of the weddings too. Yeah my mother and father threatened not to go to my wedding. Why? no reason, just to be jerks about it. 1998 I was still in contact, I hadn't had a fight with them it was just the usual disrespect. They ended up going but acted huffy and mean during the wedding and left as soon as it was over. I know I was in for it because my husband's family did not show up but his mother was extremely disabled, and sister and father were caretakers, it really was a situation that could not be dealt with. My husband has no other relatives in the USA. [there is one cousin somewhere in Texas he had no contact with]
DeleteI agree many marry into other families that do love them. I know my circumstances were kind of unique. Husband has only two relatives in the entire USA. [German relatives were moved away from in the 50s]
Hopefully most ACONS end up with another adoptive family. Yeah the narcissists love to try and destroy weddings, what if mine talked people into not coming to mine? It was very small, I invited 24 people. I think she tried to make it so no one would show up and some relatives didn't come. My father's family did not come to it, and they had money etc, for travel and did not acknowledge it, but she turned them against me long ago too. [I would be disinvited from these cousin's weddings in the years before my no contact and of course my mother was invited] Remember when I wrote about Aunt Confused talking about the silver set that she gave to her granddaughter, the one who married the multimillionaire? Money issues of course impact this stuff too. My family was against the marriage, I think they wanted me single and alone forever, everything was set up to make me be alone, you're not allowed to date, and other weird rules and then just constant pressures and mocking.
Yeah you hear about some of them showing up to embarrass the bride or groom, being drunk or starting fights, I've read those stories. I have pictures where my family including father and BIL are sitting there GLARING at me during my wedding. A friend took photos, and some of those photos were scary to see.
Yes as I wrote I was disinvited from my mother's wedding, [she lied and said there wasn't one just a court ceremony with two witnesses and I found out she had a full church wedding and reception plus....] Disinvited from others of course even before no contact. I guess it doesn't matter I don't have anything to do with these folks, I would have had to spend money on travel and presents. They are their worse during weddings aren't they and other family events.