Sometimes it won't be a narcissist but a flying monkey or someone fooled by one.
Just once instead of a person saying "Move On" or "Let It Go" I wish they would say to me instead, "How that person treated you was wrong and unacceptable". This is one way too many toxic people are defended. I have to admit my trust for those who tell me to "move on" and who still talk to people who have hurt me so badly, is a bit on the low side. It's not my job to tell people who to talk to and not talk to but it still bothers a person inside.
What is sad is you see too many seemingly "nice" people do this time and time again. All us ACONs hear this within our families. What gets me is I have "moved on" but how much they want to censor my speech. Everyone wants the toxic people comfortable and care little about the comfort of others. It's funny to me how the feelings of these toxics and others are so gingerly protected and everyone wants to be so neutral, they put Switzerland to shame. It's like I am always suppose to shut up and have no emotions while the toxics can do and say whatever they want and no one calls them on it. It seems the victims always are told "hush, hush, hush" to protect the abusers. It boggles my mind. I process so slowly, I wish I had said, "Why is it more important to you that I move on, then facing the facts about what happened?"
I did say "If they treated me this way, they can you one day. My conscience is clear, I warned you."
Project Friends
Hi Peep! I know, such a long time since I've commented here; sorry for the very belated wish, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
ReplyDeleteThis post of yours today is so accurate and so complicated, AND so needed for people sorting out their low and no-contact lists. I think I'm now on the third tier of family who probably fit no-contact, but for now it's low-contact with some because this tier really doesn't know how they are continuing a cycle of abuse. Not that they're doing anything to me, but they have been been (poorly) trained by the Ns in their lives. I can see they may lack understanding and probably arrogantly simplify the facts of how and why relationships fall apart. I haven't had to say anything yet because I don't live anywhere near them. But I can see alliances forming that are encouraged by the Ns and I'm nearly sure this generation will have to be avoided as well. Sad.
Anyway, my apologies for not even bothering to say, "Hey", lately. I have been reading though and I just can't thank you enough for continuing to post such great stuff here on your blog.
PS I haven't noticed q commenting in awhile... I surely hope he's ok. I've always soaked-up his insight as his stories about his mother remind me of my maternal grandmother, only I can't say for sure if there are actual bodies out there... If you have contact, let him know his take on these creatures is missed. -- Lora
Hi Lora,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the birthday wishes.
It is needed. I would tell everyone where someone says "move on", and things like that that is someone being influenced by a narcissists. Narcissists have this way of shutting off the empathy of other people. The same person told me she was horrified by the level of abuse on a different occasion. How did this change so rapidly? I became the problem instead of the bad behavior I was shown.
I think we have to sort out our no contact third tier lists. One red flag is if they stop having empathy for us, you can tell right away a narcissist is in the mix. They never call the other person out on their bad behavior but allow the narcissist to peg the victim as the problem for having emotions. In my new approach to self referencing, people who don't allow people emotions and want them to always censor themselves, I know I need to be careful of. It is reminding me too much of how I was treated by my family. Some get all the passes even for cruel and abusive behavior and I say one thing and I am "bad" for opening my mouth.
I want to tell people don't be in shock if you do have to move into the third tier of the family. The narcissists want power and spend hours influencing even extended families. You are right they have trained them. I really have no family anymore. My niece did write me, but sadly how much influence is she under by the rest? Be cautious. One thing I may want to warn of, is often they do choose the narcissists first, and sadly you may see a large number of people depart from you.
Thanks for the comments regarding my blog. :)
Yes Q had great insight. His blog helped me a lot too.
Excellent pieces....thank you Peep!
ReplyDeleteThanks Smakintosh :)
DeleteNarcs always get a free pass. Try to hold them accountable and the flying monkeys come after you. I used to be so terrified when this used to happen to me and I would be the target, and I never used to know what was happening to me. To move on, I used to be stuck in a gear, and get told I was wrong. It seems so logical to me that people would want to be held accountable, but nothing is logical anymore.
ReplyDeleteI have realized, I can warn people once, and then after that don't owe them anything. I realize with the person in question I have warned her twice about the toxic behavior of this person and there isn't anymore I can do. When people don't believe me, that's a red flag to me. I know I used to be scared too. I realize the narcs always do get a free pass and easily manipulate everyone and anybody erasing your words in their minds. The narcs pass themselves off as "reasonable" and are so assured of their own perfection, they get the unthinking on their bandwagon. I know one thing, I'm not going to stand around defending myself to people not listening to what I have to say.
DeleteOh, this is a big slap in our face and we usually do not do anything to deserve it! I hate it when people tell me to forgive, forget and move on. I refuse to give narcs their peace. We need to expose them until narcs stop smearing against us or ruining our lives. No justice, no peace!
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sick. I have to admit it when people tell me stuff like this, I close down to them, I think why bother talking to them at all? It's just another form of invalidation. Too many always take up for narcissists.
DeleteI'm not in favour of a forgive and forget kinda move on. I'm more of a don't let them live rent free in your head kinda move on or a who gives a s**t what they do or say move on.
ReplyDeleteI gotta move on for my own sanity and it has absolutely nothing to do with them. I work hard on visualizing them a a speck of fly s**t on the wall of my life. Barely visible and easily wiped off. If I'm lucky, a few days later I will forget that piece of s**t even existed.
I'll be the 1st to admit, this attitude is not easily achieved but DAMN it feels good when you finally get there!
I am alive on arrival here, thanks for asking about me Lora. Sometimes you have to take a break. I have a life time of bile to keep choked down so you'll hear from me again.
ReplyDeleteQ, Someone once said, "You can't keep a good man down."
DeleteEspecially with a shot of ipecac.
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah, I heard this from friends/family--within DAYS of going NC with "friends" who abused me.
ReplyDeleteAnd then from the abusers themselves, who laughed at me and said "two years is enough time," they'd already forgotten what happened to cause the breakup, etc. etc. (You can see it here, if you're interested: http://nyssashobbithole.com/wordpress/life/page-3/tracys-reign-of-terror/now-im-stalked/ )
But it was impossible to move on until I vented out the anger and hurt, and began to free myself from wanting my ex-"friend" back.
Same as it was for narcs I had the "pleasure" of dating back in college. :P Back then people told me I should get over it and move on, but it took a long time because of the crap these guys put me through. It finally happened when it happened.
HI Nyssa
ReplyDeleteYes they tell us to "move on" rather quickly don't they. They never tell the abuser to stop abusing or to apologize. Thanks for sharing your link. I will take time to read your blog, but I am sorry you had two abusers to deal with and crazy emails from them. I'm done with people telling me what to feel and what time line I should go by. I am glad you are free from wanting the "ex-friend" back. Probably a frenemy from the start.