I hate the word FAMILY. Like Henry Rollins, rages about his Dad in his NSFW spoken word act of the 1980s, Family Man, I spit out the word "Family" like it's a cuss word. It's not a positive thing to me, just read this blog. Even at my UU church, which means well in it's celebration of both mother's and father's day, I stay home. Family is like a religion in itself.
Many of us figured out religion is a sacred cow and we left it. I think the same about family. Not all families are bad, and maybe some have their own happy families but in this society, family is raised on a pedestal, and made to be something it often is not for many people. We are told Mom, Dad and apple pie, and that every home is a loving safe haven. Every church I went to or visited promoted "THE FAMILY TM", as the most important thing, which is ironic given the leader they claim to follow never had a family of his own and seemed be at least low contact with his family of origin.
Family is like a religion almost, where we are given these idealistic pictures that simply don't hold up. My own family history was abysmal, I am no contact from almost the whole lot, religion played a role when I left my family's church at age 17. Going full no contact was a very positive decision for me. I have no regrets. According to the mythos of society, I have broken every rule in "going against family".
Like religion with it's false promises, we are told a "story" about family that does not measure up. I wonder myself why DNA seems to in many cases bring no cooperation or love or understanding between people.Why does it work for some and not others? Such a thing is a mystery to me. DNA seems to bring out cohesion among some people and hatred among others.
The family often is not a crucible of love but one of danger with domestic abuse, child abuse, divorce, martial rape, scapegoating, and crimes of violence. If anything while some bad families are shown in literature, mostly family is romanticized. Father is all knowing, kind and wise, Mother is strong but nurturing and gentle, ready to bring you biscuits and a warm blanket if poor, or ready to bring you some tea and nursing care in a bed with clean white sheets, if wealthier. The Dads on the Brady Bunch, Father Knows Best, Family Ties, always sat down and discussed things openly with their kids and worked things out. Siblings are shown as having each others backs, and as support for each other through out their adult lives. While some people win the family Lotto, and get great people in their lives they happen to be related to, many do not. Family dysfunction and danger are the reality for many.
Family systems are often part of the control system as much as religion and the majority are run on authoritarianism. "Family" is defined in a certain way too, which ostracizes LGBTQ people, the single, and the childless. Families are utilized for social control, focusing on conformity, and compliance with social norms. In Western culture especially American culture, children are pitted against parents and vice versa. Some even say it is wrong for a parent to be a friend with a child. Why? I could have used a couple friends instead of living with two "enemies". While some cultures focus on cooperation and learning as prime directives between parents and children, this one focused on "helicopter parents", "discipline" and "obedience". Guess which cultures probably have happier relationships between family members. Also look at the competition of our society, our families have become competition clubs where the "winners" look down at the "losers". Is the family a cell in the matrix of control with religion as an overriding control mechanism?
One thing every ACON that goes no contact has to do is ACCEPT THE REALITY you have been given. One has to rip the rose colored glasses off their face and take a look at what you got. You may dream of Hallmark moments, reconciliation or redemption as show on television but if you are dealing with narcissists it's never going to happen. The myths, messages and lies about our family in this society is something every ACON who wants healing has to contest. Not every parent is loving, not every sibling cares. Some of us end up with roulette spin of bad people who care nothing about us.
It can be hard even for a post no contact ACON, to see how family is constantly shoved down our throats, one of the worse is that it is assumed that everyone has one. This is kind of damaging in an era where there are more single and childless people then ever before. Some people are exploring the ideas of found families, friends you turn into your family because DNA has been proven to be limited in it's ability to bring forth compatible personalities and peaceful relationships. Perhaps family is just a social construct. We know that human beings weren't just limited to nuclear families but once had fuller social circles in tribes. Definitely among the religious right, the change in the definition of traditional families is giving them fits.
With my husband I have told him maybe mankind needs to evolve beyond families. it is a biological prison. We don't have children in our case-- He laughs, we can have these interesting off the wall conversations and says, "What do you want people living in communes with numbered uniforms?" and I joke and say "Yeah that would have been better!"
Family is Overrated
Found Families are the greatest, we accept , we help we, we support . Accepting that your birth family are a nightmare construct takes a lot of years and a lot of bad times
ReplyDeleteYes found families are the greatest, I know I lost some "found family" members in my past but had people who did accept, help, support and love. Yeah a lot of bad times brings one to the conclusion one's birth family is a nightmare construct. If one is not accepted or loved in a group of people, you gotta walk.
DeleteI call it a sign of the times, what churches think they should do to get folks in the door (and try to keep them, once they arrive). So that's one thought.
DeleteMy next thought is, I had to make do with a "found family" of sorts in college, because my traditionally-minded folks didn't really understand my interest in the alternative culture -- such as it existed at my school, anyway -- so the only confidantes I really had were the like-minded souls who enjoyed many of the same things as I did.
So, eh, no, I don't exactly get all misty-eyed whenever this subject comes up. --Mr. Peep
I actually believe churches could sell themselves more, if they reached out to the single set and childless, of course only liberal churches would be open to alternative lifestyles too on the end. I think they really focus on the "traditional" family to sell themselves in the conservative circles too. I am glad you found a "found family" in college. That definitely is a good thing to have. Yes I understand not getting all "misty-eyed" on this subject, reality took off my rose-colored glasses. I know technically we are each other's "family" but you know the word has negative connotations to me, that are hard to get over.
DeleteI read that the term is called Kinless. People with no families. But when I see the loved ones who murder each other it scares the crap out of me. I am grateful to be alive.
ReplyDeleteWhen people say we'll treat you like family - I want to run far away. Family did not treat me well, in fact they abused and tortured me. The saddest part of it all for me is that my mother took on her children's friends and the friends of my siblings, they were welcome in our house, but I wasn't. In that way she appropriate another daughter, one that didn't know her black secrets. From what I've read that's typical of a narcissist.
A friend of my sister's is closer to my mother than I will ever be. I had to turn away from her as I realized she drank the kool aid, telling me that my mother puts on a good act. There's an Italian saying - Street Angels, House Devils. Meaning they put on the good face to strangers and people not related to them, but God help their children or spouses.
Yeah many of us are lucky to be alive. I want to run too when they say we will treat you like family as well. It's horrible you got abused too. Oh my parents kissed my sibling's friends butts, there was one girl they doted on so extremely. People who were my friends even the millionaire [who later defended my mother identifying with her I guess] were hated just for being my friend.
DeleteBetsy [a friend of my gc sister was catered too, called my parent's second daughter [there were two girls in my family] etc. you probably will relate to this story if a friend of your sister's is closer to your mother. Yeah they are all Kool-Aid drinkers. I realized with horror Besty had dead eyes, just like my parents, I had pictures of her from Facebook. She was one of those smiley type narcs, like a Pollyanna, with daggers.
https://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2016/05/my-mothers-second-daughter.html
Like the Italian saying. Yeah some are house angels to a few and house devils too at times. There was so much two faced stuff I had to deal with too, it's horrible you had to go through that as well.
Hey Peeps, hope you and yours had a great 4th of July. Thanks for the blog. Keep up the good work. You're the best. May all good come to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I appreciate it. Hope you had a great holiday too. :)
DeleteHey! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers?
ReplyDeleteMy last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended
up losing several weeks of hard work due to no backup.
Do you have any solutions to prevent hackers?
I have a problem with a spammer. I think I know who it is. True spam has something to sell in the text, there's someone so crazy, they are making up spam just to fill up my spam box. Problem is Aspies can notice "details" and I can tell who it is. Online people are sometimes strange. I wish this person would go get a life.
DeleteI also cringe at the impossible and prosaic Hallmark format for family...a hurtful fiction. An annual family visit confirmed that one's outsider status is multi generational! However, it was fun watching Netflix's "Tales of the City", which brings to mind Armistead Maupin's autobiograpy, "Logical Family". Lord knows my life hasn't been as adventerous as Maupin's, but there's consolation in believing that gathering a family of choice is a sweet alternative to the losses suffered. It seems to be the lot of many creative people. I didn't have children because there wasn't a template for a stable family life. However, Maupin's character Anna Madrigal is a fun role model for a fufilling old age. Too bad I don't have her money, but I can keep my mind open whilst sharing experiences, sherry, cookies, etc.!
ReplyDeleteYeah the Hallmark format for family is definitely for many a fantasy and multi-generations are turned against chosen scapegoats. Even the scapegoats of other generations were not accepted by older and younger folks either. Wow I should check out that show, sounds like something I could relate to. :) Even without her money we can get ideas.
DeleteIt's unfortunate to read about your family experience, though familiar to some. My experience has been the opposite mostly: close and loving. I hope you find the same through your found family and friends.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you had a close and loving family, some are fortunate. I do have a loving marriage, I am glad I have that.
DeleteI think the worst thing about family, is how much they impact your future. I recently figured out that my family manipulated me and it's pretty devastating...
ReplyDeleteMy parents always tried to control me, but I didn't know that it was all about $$$. They stopped me from going to college or from having friends, because they wanted me to work for my father's company. I was never supposed to have a future or escape.
So, I spent my entire childhood never going out, to parties, or even other people's homes. I wasn't allowed to dye my hair or rebel in normal ways. I was supposed to only be friends with my parents. So my father could turn me into an employee for him. My parents really went out of their way to make sure I had no options.
I see this same thing happening to other people, and it's so sad to watch. One mom I know has her son working at his dad's job, and she just lies and tells everyone that her son hates college. But when I talked to the son, he seemed to really wish he had went to college. Now, his mom complains because she says he's starting to rebel really hard, by getting tattoos and refusing to come home at night. I hope he can escape...He definitely does not like his parents. And I feel like they just use him for money, because he lives at home and he seems to be paying part of the mortgage and other bills.
Or another family I know, has a daughter who's at college, but they put trackers on her phone and she's forced to keep it on 24/7. She's also only allowed to stay with other family members during holiday breaks. It seems like she has no friends at all. And what's really odd, is that her parents bought her a new car, but she wasn't allowed to take it to college. So for 9 months out of the year (besides summer break), she's not driving the car. And I wonder if the parents only pretended like the car was for her? So they could have an excuse to buy a new car to use for themselves. At the very least, I know they bought the car to control her, because the car has GPS trackers in it too. It's so sad. She can't have a regular social life or enjoy herself. She looked very depressed the last time I saw her...I'm not sure if it's even possible for her to escape, at least not for a few more years.
In my case, I think my parents planned on using me forever. I was also supposed to have a car bought for me and to pay all the household bills. I managed to move out but...to this day, I feel like my parents never saw me as a human being. I was only someone who could either make them money or waste their money.
It's just painful to realize that you were never ever supposed to have dreams. That from the very beginning, your parents planned on sabotaging you for their own selfish gain.
I agree, my future was very adversely affected, via the medical neglect, the sabotage, the cruelty, the affect on my life skills and social outlooks too.
DeleteIt sounds like your parents saw you as a mule they could use for the father's company just to use and exploit you. I know my future was messed up not allowed to go out with friends, or school dances or parties, their control freak ways made dealing with my Aspergers even worse. These are life long things I've had to deal with.
Sounds like they just wanted to control you. I had that too. I was told to stay home not allowed to go out, "you can't have people over" [snuck around and broke that rule a little bit but it made it more stressful. It sounds like you were set up as the perpetual slave. Some scapegoats get the caretaker set up too.
That's sad about the son the parents are using and living off of, they are ruining his life and any potential in his life. Mr. Peep was abused this way too, where his father wanted him to "stay home" not move on with his life to pay the bills.
Yeah the college girl with the trackers on her phone will never have a life either, unless she rebels, that's sad, that degree of control not even allowed to have an overnight with a female friend.
I think the parents pretended to buy her the car and use it for themselves. So many rules. That is sad, they seem to want to treat her like a prisoner.
Money is used to manipulate here too where controlling parents can offer money or college tuition, but the price is YOU COMPLY and do everything they said.
That is the trap I found myself in during college, abused so much, but had the dream of getting out, getting a job and being free. I was going through some old papers and noticed in my teaching evaluations while I was complimented on a lot this teacher said I was low on self esteem and self confidence.
That probably was the death knell to my teaching career, I was abused extremely during student teaching, screamed at every night, working until 10-11pm at night, no sleep at the carpet cleaning company. I was able to apply for and almost get jobs via the juvenile home job but would be employers probably read that and shrunk from hiring me.
My parents only saw dollar bills, I was reminded everyday of what I cost as a child and older and these were not poor people. It sounds like your parents wanted cash back on their "investment". Yes you were saw only as a workable asset. I am cynical now about the family structure, so many see children as trophies or mini-mes or adult children as reflections of narcissists. I was considered such a "disappointment" being disabled I wasn't even treated as a human. This is the reality not gooey-eyed dreams about parents who love children. I really hope you are free from these people now.