The Society of Being Never Enough

“In Buddhism, there is a concept called maitri, a Sanskrit word that is translated as “unconditional friendship with oneself.” This may be hard for Westerners, with their habits of self-criticism and constant drive toward self-improvement, to even stop and consider. Maitri means being able to relax with yourself, to feel at home in your own mind and own body, to feel one’s own essential goodness. That is the seed of happiness.”
—Leonard Scheff

This is something I need to explore. It sounds nice to me. You mean I can wake up and have a day where there is some pleasure and peace? Sounds interesting. You mean I don't have to constantly prove myself?

Well I got bitten by the self-improvement people again. The "never good" enough society is wearing me down. They claim "concern" while shredding you to pieces. I noticed they always get angry when you don't want to do what they are selling, and say things like "Life is unfair, deal with it." Once someone says the "life is unfair" line to me. I am done. The self-improvement cult is just another religion based on false promises, guilt, shame, vague claims and impossible demands.

 It tells us over and over, we don't do enough and that it's our fault we did not make money or succeed. Religion almost crushed me but this has almost crushed me too. I've been hurt by so many people preaching it's messages. So many have internalized the garbage. The elites want to tell us it's our fault we are poor.  They benefit from this. I am tired of being blamed for things beyond my control. With habits, even there they abuse telling us that proper living will fix everything and that problems in our lives are not from having proper habits, especially as they denigrate the food and destroy proper living and social connections. To some people life is supposed to be nothing but austerity and self-improvement. I'm bored with it all. Why should I care at this point?  I wish people would stop trying to make me care about things I really don't care about. Go do you, but I'm tired. Leave me alone. 

Maybe I should tell all new people, I am a dark depressive goth. If you won't like it, walk now, because I am not going to be this other person you really want. You want a smiling cheerleader whose got plenty of money, there's plenty of those. I complain and cry too much? Well go find yourself a stoic for a pal. I've had a lifetime of liars, bullshit artists, religionists, self-help gurus and others tell me I am not enough.  They promised me I could fix everything. Try this one for size, maybe I don't want to fit in. Maybe I have no interest in what you are selling.

Aspies can get together and analyze, complain, vent and the rest but in "self improvement" culture, this is the greatest sin. You must be always looking for the golden brick road to freedom. You must always be dreaming of the day "you make it". Everything is about status. Anyone who diverts from the path of seeking status, is condemned. I have noticed a dark side of humanity where even people in the lowest echelons, like the friend who lived off her family, always want to feel superior to someone else. I'm tired of being that person. All this crap does is make me shut the door tighter and tighter.

Is there to be no joy or happiness? America is a very unhappy place for a reason, the positivity and self improvement cult have taken over. In this cult you must always smile and the greatest sin is to be "negative" and "lazy". The irony is that with all the goal posts depression is more likely. You will not be relaxed or happy.

In this society you are told that you are only as good as what you do for anyone and must produce, produce, produce. Even if disabled, you have to make sure you do all the volunteer work in the world to prove your worthiness and you must be inspiraporn, where you never get down and always stay "brave". One can be diagnosed with chronic fatigue, the kind that keeps most with it even from getting out of bed, and puts one in tears just to take a shower, but if you are not "doing", you are not "living" supposedly. You are "bad", you "didn't try hard enough", you "complain too much". You know maybe some of us have not drank the Kool-Aid. We don't worship the lash on our backs anymore that screams "Never Enough"! They've swiped the carrot away too many times.

Maybe astroturfers are befriending me trying to send me into insanity. The powers that be don't like narcissism being written about? Why am I getting this unwanted attention?  I don't want to go down paranoid highway and "targeted" personland but sometimes I wonder why these people are pretending to be friends with me. They take up loads of my time, often more then I can handle. What's the reward in it? Why are you wasting my time? Go away.  I am not sending them money or anything. Maybe I still need to work on not being a source of narcissistic supply that emotional vampires want to glom onto. When people say things to me like "Poverty is your comfort zone", after the life, I've had, that just feels like abuse and gas lighting.


There's this other creep spamming my blog, sending something like 50 messages a day. It's not real spam, that advertises actual products or websites, within the text, but just generic, "I love your blog, blah blah" with nothing to sell.

I really wonder at times, these weird people show up in my life, they seem intelligent, I guess that's the draw like the catfish woman. I am a sucker for intelligent people who love books, and ideas, but then, I guess few in American culture care about friendship anymore, everything is competition and putting people down. I notice they always want to "fix me" according to their edicts even if they were friendly in the beginning. Early on they are nice, and seem intellectual and excited to share ideas, but then the criticisms begin. I often wonder if this is something Aspies face, too, where they see 'our limitations" behind the intellectual gifts they enjoy and then they go to town.

I try to do what I can but I am tired of their emotional beat-downs as well. People like this will tell you their problems but then condemn you for having any. I should tell all, "If you don't like me TODAY, go away and leave me alone."If I am too Wednesday Addams to you and not enough Patch Adams, too bad, this is me!"


It's very hard to live in a world where you can't be yourself and you are condemned. Or you are just someone people use to tell their problems too and you really aren't a friend. You think you are, but then they ghost you for 4 months without a word. You are just someone they told problems too. It is hard too, to realize you have the kind of life, and personhood where people get something out of feeling superior to. I hide a lot of my problems in real life so this became less of a problem in the day to day world, but I am noticing I have to shut it off online. It's making me a target for whatever reason. Maybe being so open on this blog is a risk. I plan to continue this blog, but I have to be more wary.

My husband has told me he wants me to become far more cautious about who I befriend online. He thinks people are using me for counseling and venting their problems to, and then just dumping me when they are done. He got worried about this most recent person writing me so much and expecting so much time, and it was getting to the point I was ignoring lots of their messages because I could not keep up time-wise or energy wise. 

Socially I am too tired. I am worn out. I stopped trying to make friends and that helped me a lot but I spend too much of my life afraid of people. There are life long ramifications of severe emotional abuse, that I may have to contend with. I also think that it's not me, its a very sick society. I do have a few real people in my life and know not to take them for granted. I am trying to train myself not to care what people think anymore. Caring gives them a place to hurt you and most of them have no qualms about doing that. Caring makes you a "sucker" open to criticism.

I need to work on befriending myself. I don't have energy for people like this anymore. I am finding myself investing too much time in relationships where the people don't care about me. Some of this is spilling over onto real life, where I feel I must "volunteer" to be worthwhile or that I must do and "help" others for them to care about me but then I find out they don't when I really did. Maybe shutting down some of that "helper" stuff will benefit me, I need to help myself, and have continued with working on my life, I still go to the gym and try to do what I can. If someone demands too much of my time, I need to learn to say "no" and to withdraw faster.

Maybe it is a work in progress.  I don't want my time wasted anymore that is for sure. I don't like people who try to mold me into THEIR BOX. They don't get that I don't even what to do what they do.

This here is what unbridled capitalism has wrought. Everything is about success, status and "making it". Those who don't believe in the dream are "negative". Real friendship is rare. Relationships are all commodities. There's little connection, it's all about fitting in. It's all about being told what to be and what to do and if you don't conform, some get really angry. I don't want their conditions, not anymore. I need some maitri.