This is almost an iron clad rule. One thing I could use as a narcissist test, is if they hated my website or others exposing narcissism. They'd recoil like the Wicked Witch of the West from a bucket of water! Most people with empathy want nothing to do with narcissists. Also be wary of those who can read an entire post history on an ACON blog and then side with the abusers! That's scary. I think this post is correct too, in that Narcissists Hunt in Packs!
Narc's rotten behavior exposed on this and other websites, "I'm melting, I'm melting!
ReplyDeleteSorry ;) i couldn't resist.
LOL I appreciated it :p
DeleteI've been wrestling with this myself. A lot. How safe are people who hang out with one's family abusers (and they know perfectly well that these abusers are cruel, but think they are on "the special list of people" who won't be the abuser's target)?
ReplyDeleteAnd then there are the "new adults" (i.e. who just graduated from their teenage years), who are still trying to wrestle with the fact that a parent rejected them, severely so for not anything other than smashing the self esteem of the kid, but is now love bombing them back in a big way? Do I have a right to say anything or judge them for doing this (when most ACONs have done this too at an impressionable age - as in "I should give my parent one last try" because they believe change is possible)?
I am trying to figure out what to say, or even do, in these situations. A therapist would say, "The chances are they will do it again, because studies have shown they do it again, and again, and again, and in more egregious ways than before." But I am not their therapist.
It's too bad you've had to wrestle with this too Lise, I don't think they are safe. Some of the more innocent will share information you don't want even without thinking about it but how innocent are they if you told them how you were abused and they chose to keep company with the abusers? I get the feeling even some of the "nicer" ones thing they are on my mother's special list where she'd never make them a target. There's one I call the family wide golden child, he was very cute as a kid, used to sing and dance for everyone, got loads of attention. He never was mean to me, I lived with him when he was a baby with the aunt that Loved Me, but I've noticed his personality has picked up things from the narcissists, and I think in his case he just chooses to live in denial, putting them first. What is odd, is at times, he would say things to me like, "you are more like my mother was, and aunt scapegoat, we are different". I wish I had said to him, well buddy, why are you hanging out with the hard core Republicans who go and vote against your dominantly LBTG family? [he and both children have publically come out] It boggles my mind. I don't get it. He's far closer to my mother who used to abuse me for being gay, when in my case I wasn't. So it's like the narcissistic dynamics, break all molds, so even people who are divided extremely on religion, politics and other aspects, are bowing before the narcissists and throwing the scapegoat under the bus no matter what.
DeleteWith the "new adults", I know I am on the fence, I remember my fear that kept me in the parent's scope. So all the nieces and nephews want nothing to do with me even the ones safely away at college, but I understand that training. In my case I did go against the 'scapegoat" training visiting Aunt Scapegoat, who they kept away from me, but I ask should I blame them too. They are adults. Why doesn't an 18 year old have enough bravery to write me, there's endless social media accounts where she could find me. [she refused to friend me when I was still trying to make good with some before I walked from all on Facebook] I don't get it, even the lack of curiosity to ask, "What happened?" isn't there. I get the feeling I was far less of a coward then many young people, because I did ask out rim relatives what is happening.
I've given up in my case, the relationships aren't there anyhow. With the cousins, I am on the fence with a full no contact though they are more decent people. I don't want the narcs to know where I live, since I recently moved. It's hard to know what to do. I sometimes worry that I am too cynical writing this, that the default is, that they will always betray for the narcisists. I haven't had one break ranks yet, and don't expect it, and by "breaking ranks" if i saw even a little bit of bravery a little bit of not being brainwashed, I would have noticed.
Five Hundred,
DeleteI actually think the dynamics in your family will change. They don't even know that you write this blog, correct?
The overwhelming number of narcissistic parents pick another scapegoat after the original scapegoat goes "no contact", and especially if they don't know what the scapegoat is saying or doing.
I would bet someone in your family is being groomed to be the next scapegoat, but perhaps the new scapegoat is in denial, not making waves, not saying anything, living in silence, and trying to fit in still.
In some ways, it's harder for the new scapegoat, because the old scapegoat has taken the brunt of abuse for years. All of a sudden they are getting the derisive remarks (after being on the sidelines most of their life).
Most often it is the Lost Child who is chosen as the next scapegoat, and they tend to suffer in silence, not fight back, and leave without saying a word as to why or where (in other words "break the ranks" as you say, but silently). They are used to being quiet when the narc parent loses it, so that is probably why you don't hear anything (assuming you have a lost child as a sibling)?
I had two people yesterday tell me that I should have empathy for narc parents. One is always preaching at me anyhow. I shut them down by saying wow you got so emotional when I motioned narcissism.
ReplyDeleteThe other one cautioned me saying people are writing on the internet that narcs are like monsters. Yeah? because they are demons from hell. My NM tried to get me to commit suicide among other awful things, two of my brothers attempted suicide multiple times.
After the last go round with my narc drunk mother and psycho narc oldest brother, I have zero empathy for either of them. They get enough of that from their flying monkeys. They don't need me. My energy and emotions are for my life and anything that I want.
be careful of both those people. You can't trust them. I have a rule that if people start defending my abusers they are gone. Remember I ended two 30 year old friendships because they defended my abusive family. Narc parents don't want our empathy or our love even if we had any left to give. I also have noticed the extreme trend of "feeling sorry" for narcissists, they are "mentally ill", should we feel sorry for snakes with fangs? Or should we just stay away. Considering your NM is bad enough to lead people into attempted suicide, why quibble about warning people that narcs are monsters? They have the support of the flying monkeys. Why should we feel sorry for those who got all the support and nauseating obedience while we had to walk away to save ourselves?
DeleteWhen good things happen to you or when you start speaking up for yourself, some people would come out of the woodwork, take off their masks, and reveal their true selves. Yes, some would defend your narcissistic abusers. The best way to weed out new narcissistic friends is to watch how they react to these situations in your life:
ReplyDelete1. When very good things happen to you, especially when you get married, found a great job, got into a top university, have good fortunes in your life, have a spouse who loves you, or have a child, etc.
2. When something goes wrong in your life, and you ask questions or reach out to others for help. Malignant narcs would smile or show signs through their comments online that they are happy when bad things happen to you. Malignant narcs and abusers would criticize you, tell you were wrong, or say that bad thing happened to you to stop you from being happy or to teach you lessons.
3. Are happier with your life after you left toxic people, organizations, or groups. Malignant narcs and abusers usually show their rages that they engage in a smear campaign.
4. Start setting boundaries or tell people you would not tolerate abuses. Marcs gets angry when they see a message like this, "Please not call me after 10 p.m."
5. Stop apologizing for speaking up or walking on eggshells. Several colleagues in my industry were enraged because I did not walk on eggshells and apologize to covert narcs who help a helping position in the counseling and social services fields.
6. Narcs and abusers will demand you to give them positive stories and undivided attention and emotion support, think "realistically," cut off "childish emotions" and "hyperbole." They will tell you that everybody has problems, and you "need to grow up."