When I was a fundamentalist Christian, I had a blog for that world too, and wrote a bible prophecy/conspiracy blog. It is shut down and is not open to public view. I have a lot of embarrassment about my previous religious beliefs. However I was not your usual fundamentalist Christian. I still hated the Republican party, openly protested war, and believed in help for poor people.
I never fit in and was in the wrong place. Later, I would realize the insanity of the small town I and my husband used to live in, and how that place influenced me. They have become a bastion of extremism with their present-day anti-masker rallies. My eyes would be opened to the backwards attitudes and extreme religiosity and right wing dominance even of the mid-sized town my parents moved me into for high school after leaving an urban suburb of a giant metropolis. Even now, at least 95 percent of my old classmates outside a few gay kids who escaped, are all Republicans and evangelicals or fundamentalists.
On my religion blog, being Aspie, I got interested in a certain topic, which was encroaching Dominionism and theocracy. I was an strange one-off Christian and AGAINST it. My old blog had endless posts about Seven Mountains theology, Vision Forum, The Council for National Policy, and many other groups that believed Christians were supposed to seize political power in America. Many of the things I warned about got worse. Free of the Christian baggage, my view of things is far different today. I learned about the plans for theocratic take-over and well it's happening.
Let me show you a few quotes from that blog. One thing I notice reading some of my old posts on there, is my cognitive dissonance is thicker than cement, I am trying to adhere to a religious system that does not work when one believes in freedom and cares about the poor. I no longer believe in Christianity but still think the majority of evangelical and conservative Christians now fit every criteria of what their own book calls "antichrist". Click to enlarge:
I can see all the seeds of my own deconversion all over my old blog. If you think most preachers are all thugs, and most religious leaders liars and hypocrites out for cash and governmental power, how are you going to stay in a religion that advances all this stuff? I was done with all their bullshit and happy to be free. That said, my knowledge of the goals, motives and agenda of the religious theocrats is probably higher than the average person. By the way too, it's not just the fundies out for full control, many other religious organizations are part of the Dominionist pantheon, including the Roman Catholic church.
Iran was a modern nation over taken by fundamentalists in Islam, think it can't happen here? Think again. Just read the comic Persepolis. The Christo-fascists have made their agendas clear if you know where to look.
It's scary that now Republicans may force their own version of Serena Joy from Handmaid's Tale on our Supreme Court, a woman who believes all married women should obey their husband's and who belongs to a parachurch organization that preaches obedience to spiritual directors. Why is this acceptable? She goes to law school, rises up the ranks, and then wants to pull up the ladder up and away from other women. Maybe like Serena, she could one day have her regrets.
Most liberals are in deep denial about the risk of Dominionism and theocracy coming to America. They assume that reason will prevail. I don't. They already have advanced plague on us all with their magical thinking and denials of science.
Maybe I've studied too much history to know how things can go down. Yesterday, I was in a small neighboring town, and saw a police car pulled in front of us, and they had a giant Proud Boy flag covering a back window. I live in a place where the majority of people are very religious. I know people around me would have no problem with religion ruling the show, and all freedoms being closed down.
My fears about the religious right taking over completely are there, and well it is tied to my religious trauma, both from childhood and later. I've been punished for not having the "right beliefs" and know now what it means to be ostracized. I've been screamed at and even hit for "not believing". I have gotten a cold shoulder even from mainliners in my community who are pro-Trump. We do know the cruelty from inside: the false promises, the lofty words, the religious oppression, the shame and the blame. They would bring hell on earth, and the end times dystopia, for their Savior to come save the day. I recall that on the Handmaid's Tale show, that plague allowed the "sons of Jacob" to take over. When people name their political organizations after biblical figures, watch out!
A blustering orange sociopath, with his hookers and strip clubs they see as God's anointed helps is only diverting attention at what is being done. Most people wrongly see Trump as areligious, denying the true desires of the majority of his followers. I've tried to talk about Dominionism with a few people. Most don't understand, they think I am nuts or exaggerating. Maybe I served a purpose on that blog, I do not regret warning the Christians of what they were pursuing. Most didn't care. Their lust for power and hatred for others who don't belong or believe what they do, is fueling possible destruction of America and all it's freedoms.
I liked how this picture turned out in terms of the tree reflected in the water. I was able to get another camera, it's a point and shoot but it has made it possible to still take some decent photos.
The other day I was binge watching this year's Hoarders show. This one showed Sherry and her son, and there was this scapegoat daughter in the mix. Sherry and her son were both hoarders. They lived in complete and utter chaos and filth, with some strange codependent relationship that seemed to border on emotional if not outright incest. They were totally insulting and rude to the daughter, Lauren, who lived in normalcy. The scapegoated daughter was definitely the healthy one in the mix, while the two scapegoaters were very severely mentally ill. They were very cruel to her, and put her down even as she tried to help them. I felt sorry for her, and wish I could have shouted through the screen "Go no contact!" She wasted her time begging for crumbs of love from these moral monsters. Her family members were just gross. I hope one day she can wake up and see them for what they are.
I was rather angry at Dr. Tolin who didn't tell Lauren to go no contact but who said a few pat words about her family not treating her right. The counselors of the world need to stop pussy-footing around malignant narcissism and sociopathy. Lauren is wasting her time seeing those two as "her family", they will never love her. Her brother and mother don't care about her and never will
Then there was the story with Carol. Be forewarned, she will give you the willies. She moved in days after her "best friend", Bea, died. One son told us it was "ruled as a suicide". Carol then married her husband. He was a rich guy, and she cleaned out the money shopping and hoarding until she dropped. She even had a second mortgage taken out on the house. One daughter, Missy, discussed Carol's financial shenanigans and seemed to believe Carol was out to use the family from the start. The house was a beautiful mansion which was completely trashed.
The husband was an absolute push-over and the adult kids you could tell were horrified by all the proceedings. You could tell they were disgusted and one got the feeling there was a lot not being said between the lines. Was Carol having an affair with the husband to start with? The adult kids did accuse her of using their Dad and lying. Even Dave the milquetoast husband called her "very controlling". Just watching her in my opinion was watching a malignant narcissist in action using DARVO, projection, and fake tears. At least in this case because Carol did not own the house, the Hoarders people were allowed to clean things up even with her protestations. Sadly soon after this clean-out, the father died and the family were forced to sell the house.
Some of the most nasty personalities have been showing up on there. Watching Hoarders to me sometimes is like watching malignant narcissist personalities in action. I know hoarding is it's own mental illness so not every hoarder is going to be a malignant narcissist or sociopath. Some of the hoarders on that show definitely fit other mental profiles, but there are a lot of malignant narcissists, who are abusive to those around them.
There's many mental illnesses that play into it here, but definitely some very toxic people have been put on display. Sometimes it drives me nuts personally watching people with loving adult children who love and care about them take them for granted. It also is hard to watch the sheer selfishness as objects are chosen above people. There's part of me thinking why do these people even deserve to have families? Sadly many times you can see the dynamics in the house played out where the whole family is kissing the person's ass who is completely trashing the place and destroying their lives. They all give in and do everything they are told. Why won't they just get a shovel and giant box of trash bags and get to work? Dysfunctional dynamics have to be going on within a family that allows a house to be destroyed via hoarding.
How many narcissists are hoarders? The two women mentioned above definitely are ones. While writing this article, I went and asked Google, "Are Hoarders Narcissists?" I found this video, and this vlogger definitely things many hoarders are narcissists and describes her reasons why.
I won't name names or details, as to which of my now ex-friends were hoarders or not, but there was a few hoarders I had for friends. There were three friends who had major problems with hoarding. Five all together if you count two main relatives who were hoarders, and one I spent a lot of time with in my early years. This included Aunt Confused and later Aunt Scapegoat.
Some may find it weird that I befriended so many hoarders. As I said, I suck at cleaning but I throw things away, I want things to be clean and nice even despite my lower socio-economic standing I had my carpets cleaned just a month ago. In my family there were two major hoarders, there was Aunt Confused who hoarded out a trailer into trash and left the pig's head in the oven, and there was Aunt Scapegoat hoarding her trailer to the point she had to have a forced clean out by other relatives. I see a pattern here as both aunts, both had severe narcissistic related problems with one being a covert narcissist and one a full blown although more on the border-line wing.
With Aunt Scapegoat, during the earlier years in no contact while I was writing those articles, I realized that Aunt Scapegoat was narcissistic as well. She never thought of the needs of those around her, she was parasitical even during the years she was healthy enough to work, and she did things like having people come visit from 2 hours a way only to refuse to answer the door. She would even keep her door shut and locked with one cousin coming to the door. Oddly the family would say weird things like, "She is just that way". So in many ways she matched the predominant behavior of the family. My fond feelings for her were based on rose-colored glasses childhood and teen memories, but even with her, I was stuck in the mode of begging for her affections as well, and they were anything but freely given. My feelings towards her did change, and I realize it was her choice to ignore my gifts, cards and attempts at a closer relationship.
I had three college era friends who became hoarders or showed major possible signs of it and where attachment to objects came first. My mother while neat, put THINGS first, so I can see how that pattern came about in my life. Our entire life was spent around the fixing, cleaning and organizing of things. With a few of the friends, their hoarding was less noticeable in college, they were maybe sloppy like me in our dorm rooms but full hoarding came out in their adulthoods.
Some may say who are you to judge? I am bad at housework, however I can throw things away. I don't get attached to all objects and if someone said I could have organizers and cleaners in here tomorrow, I'd jump at the chance. My apartment is under constant inspection, twice a year, monthly doctors so even if I wanted to become a hoarder, it couldn't happen. I had the carpets cleaned two months ago.
But watching these shows I had some revelations, while I grew up with neat freak family members the fact that two hoarders arose out of my family did not surprise me. Looking back, I definitely was befriending other people with severe problems where hoarding was a red flag sign. What else was there? I would end up ending all friendships where these problems existed after my no contact.
Some may find it weird that I befriended so many hoarders.....in some ways it makes sense.
Some psychologists here would say that water floats to it's own level. Broken people will find other broken people. ACONs have the danger of re-enacting family dynamics in friendships, and I did to the max. I realized when I was befriending people deep into hoarding and other behaviors, this was a sign I was befriending other very troubled people.
I have strange memories in my head of these friends during my young adulthood. One friend let maggots take over her sink, as I visited her just acouple years after college. She was poor but this was beyond the squalor issues that can come with poverty. The dirty mattresses on the floor and other lacks were bad enough, but I was wretching over that sink. That was not normal.
One other friend she let two cats pee up her house, I went on a visit, where the smell of cat pee all over gave me asthma attacks and once I even left early because I could not take it anymore. There was trash on the floor of every room and piled up boxes. This lasted for years and was true of several visits during the late 90s and early 2000s. She kept every piece of clothing she ever owned back to childhood. This was not normal either. I have the feeling this friendship was ended and cut off, due to the problem of hoarding. She would not let me visit. I saw her last home in 2001 or thereabouts, and she had become a full hoarder, and black trash bags filled up the entire second floor of things she "had to go through".
Another friend told me she had gotten complaints about the things outside her house. She used to trouble me, she could afford organizers and cleaners in her case. It never made sense to me. I used to think why go through that hell if you can hire someone to just clean it up? I hadn't seen her house since 2001 either. One reason that friendship ended is because objects even new ones became her whole life. I felt like all emotions were shut down, she cared far more about her things. She also was against my no contact as well.
All of these friends with hoarding and other problems came out of ACON families themselves. One came out of a family where they scapegoated and screamed at her constantly even when she was an adult in her 40s. She identified and stayed within the family accepting her role. I was unable to. This made it clear why this friendship was doomed to failure. Another friend, her mother was a complete malignant narcissist who even verbally abused me calling me "the fat lump", and telling her that she should get a thinner friend. Enmeshment was the name of the game there where this suffocating mother called several times a day, and that friend chose to identify with her family too.
In this case, I think she served a golden child role while others were scapegoated around her mother. Still another friend whose mother was so cold, she gave me the willies and who became the most severe hoarder came out of a very dysfunctional family like this too. Narcissism predominated.
Lest someone thinks I am trying to make myself out to be perfect here, I wonder at times if I could have turned into a hoarder myself. Cleaning was always difficult for me. My ADHD made focus impossible and continues to this day. When I was young, my car was full of trash, and my husband remembers sitting in it with a foot of papers under his feet. It even saved my husband then boyfriend from getting a ticket once when he borrowed my car. He got pulled over for speeding. The cop asked for the license and paperwork and the car was way too messy for him to find it. The cop threw up his hands in frustration, and gave him a warning. In my case, I didn't put objects above people and could throw things away but some of those signs of dysfunction touched my life too. Did the narcissism I grew up with affect me in living this way? It would take years to get a semblance of order out in my own life, but I purposefully avoiding becoming a hoarder. As everyone knows, housework is the bane of my existence.
Watching Hoarders became a lesson in what I wanted to avoid in life. My husband sometimes gets upset at me when I watch it, because I start cleaning saying we cannot turn out like that. He says it makes me worry about housework too much. Some weevils took over our kitchen last week. They probably came from a food pantry a few months ago in a bag of flour. We had to throw away bags and bags of flour, corn meal, pasta and everything they like to eat out of the cupboards. I think if I was a hoarder, the place would have become the Weevil Palace.
With time, my changes did keep the predators away, I shut down vulnerability, put the empath crap to rest because all it did was get me used, and it changed my life, however socially it's rough, connection is far harder to find. There's also the issue, that after I went no contact, I walked from all of my family and at least half of my friends. The deconversion also has wiped the friendship slate clean with even the loss of a friend a few weeks ago.
Sometimes lately I have asked, why do I keep losing people? It's tough. I am not a cold person, I wanted some connection. Wanted the friends to care, or show emotion that simply wasn't there. The price of the family I had, has been too immense. There's life long repercussions. While I have and have had healthy and loving friends, my life, became very dominated by narcissists or those who identified with them.
I would end all these college friendships where they were hoarders after I went no contact. In my experience the two went together.
I am examining patterns. I met other people who were hoarders and while I was friendly with them, I am keeping distance due to my past experience. To me, it's a red flag sign. I can't deal with it. Maybe some healthier people can't deal with messy me, so I have my constant conflicts, but it was too much. If people love and get attached to objects more, trying to get close to them, is not going to happen. People who love objects and where things come first, it is a problem. It's not what I stand for. Narcissists are known for putting objects and appearances first.
Maybe some hoarders are just people with OCD who aren't narcissists, and I've had trouble in that area myself without hoarding, but some major baggage can come with hoarding.
I would talk to the fellow past ACONs friends about leaving toxic families behind or reexamining their lives and treatment. In other situations, I wanted some to question fundamentalist religion but sometimes you do outgrow your friends. They aren't going to walk down your path. While you are being open and trying to have them understand it doesn't always work.
I am not the person I was in college. Hoarding to me is tied to depression, darkness, and giving up in some cases. It's also tied for some people in my opinion who love objects more than other people. It's all very sad. Watching Hoarders I did think, what a waste. Seeing people brush aside all these people to put their things first made me sick. I even said to my husband while watching these shows, "Look at these people with those huge families, all trying to reach out and connect to them, and they don't even care!"
House of Mirrors blog is back and that's a wonderful thing. House of Mirrors is a great blog, that I read a few years before I started writing about narcissism on this one. It taught me a lot about how narcissism works. This latest article talks about how narcissists seek to subvert people's self defense. Welcome back Lisette!
Peep's comic journal of a few months ago. I quickly scribble in comics on my comic journals, I have 20 of these things where I keep a diary in comic form. Peep and her husband are outfitted in lots of toilet paper and survival gear. I drew fantasy scenes later in my journal of us heading to the Canadian border because Trump won my state by one vote and the presidency, because Peep voted for Howie instead of Biden.
Why won't Covid end? Anyone wondering?
Don't most illnesses eventually burn out? Will the pandemic ever end?
I went into a store with a mask that had around eight people in it, I won't go in if there's over 10, and this is one of the first stores I have been in, in around 6 months. I have been to the library which has one librarian in it, usually less then three patrons and plexiglass plastering the place. The fear is always there. Covid for me would be an instant death sentence. My lungs are bad on a good day.
I wonder if it was too high of a risk to go in that store. The masks make walking too hard, I can't breathe. The Covidiots are spared such worries in their narcissistic devil-may-care attitudes towards the virus.
Sitting in a doctor's office is easier and I've done it for an hour and half masked up but walking in a large Wal-greens, the mask felt suffocating. It was a bad COPD day from a weather change and this made me hang over my walker with every 10 steps while making sure no one would get too close. I was helping my husband look for batteries in there. Some people slap those plastic clear acrylic masks with padding for the forehead, to fulfil the mask laws but someone told me those don't work to protect you. That's a way to still adhere to the mask law, but I'm not sure the virus will care.
There's periods of time now where I don't even want to go outside, because it seems to be more trouble and worry. The other day I was walking into my apartment foyer to leave with my husband and there were three teenagers there standing in a circle who had no masks on, that popped up. One held the door for me. Another guy without a mask walked over to the mailboxes in the foyer yesterday. I didn't have the energy to lecture all these people on Covid etiquette but it gave me a burst of anxiety and pictures of those charts that show the spread of Covid with masks and out masks. They were all young and felt invincible.
Lately, I don't want to leave my apartment at all, the world is a dystopian hellhole full of faceless silent people. Smiles, laughter, even the occasional joke from a stranger are gone. Walking in the parks got boring, I make myself do it, so mobility is not lost and walked outside yesterday. Every time I get an allergy sniffle, or a UCTD flare, I am in one now, with my forehead breaking out, glands swelling, muscle pain and eyes turning into dried out golf balls, COVID haunts me where I think, "Did I get it?"
Covid has made me feel my isolation in life more acutely. Even before Covid hit, I was talking to my husband about how isolated we are, and with the majority of our social life online, I often talked about how we needed more local in real life friends. We were working on things.
So to better my life, I focused on activities and doing stuff. I had my stamp club, disability groups, protests, gym, UU church committees, and more. I was often housebound but there were many activities we enjoyed. Even my usual fall art class is not happening this year. I know this one Aspie online who has joined the anti-maskers and anti-lock down people, and I can understand why because all his social connections got cut to nothing as his groups were shut down. My alarm that he has has joined with the science deniers remains however.
I was feeling finally that I could have some years of happiness, and with my deconversion was focused on enjoying life. We had gotten another decent car, and were planning day trips and other activities that our former older rust bucket van prevented us from doing. Life was looking a lot better. I was feeling some happiness. I saw good changes coming even with the health and other difficulties. I felt better times were on their way. Maybe the people sneering "victim" at me would have shut the hell up in my new blooming happiness.
So if I sound bitter, there's times I wake up and wonder if I got born into hell of a different sort, a multiverse where the worse outcomes always come true. I know I have a weird attitude towards life that developed from too much shit going down. Add this Covid garbage. Some lingering thoughts that I really am cursed are left over from that horrible deliverance minister. I do ask myself, "Why did this happen now?"
Peep on Zoom, Zoom makes me feel like I am on stage. I am not a stage person.
Covid, has really pushed my feelings about having no local friends and family to the foreground. The close relationships I should have are not there. This article calls it Quarantine envy, but notice they made family the center of everyone's lives. People with families have people to talk to or visit with their far larger "inner circles". This definitely has added the pressure to ACONs. I can see single people losing it with their 6 months of talking to no one.
There is loneliness even in how Covid is being dealt with. On Zoom, everyone's focused on being positive and happy. Zoom has brought endless interesting lectures, anti-racism webinars, mindfulness art activities that have all been intellectually stimulating, but it is not the same as seeing people in person. It's hard to get people to type in the chat boxes to make up for my deafness, I am not sure what that's about. Some people I can hear okay and others not so much. There's times I can't hear. Reading lips in 2D doesn't work the same as in 3D, trust me I have tried. I have to go deal with Zoom and ask them WHY CAN'T I HAVE THINGS CAPTIONED, like Youtube does it? They charge an insane amount of money to the hosts. That sounds like a disability accessibility issue. I find myself even revisiting UU services, put on Youtube that are now captioned.
I can see people all withdrawing except for the happy extroverts on Zoom. Zoom is great for lectures and things like that. Maybe Zoom is performance time for them, while the rest of us sink deeper into ourselves. Everyone wants to appear strong and like everything's going great as the room around us is basically on fire. Why aren't any of us allowed to talk about the hard stuff. By the way what is happening to the people who haven't been able to pay their rent or are having the bottom collapse? They've all lost internet access and their suffering is invisible probably.
When outside, the few people I do see, look very depressed. People hurry through, and just get by with their business. The mental health effects with this are increasing. I've held off depression the best I can, but I know others are going to succumb. Elderly and disabled people who live alone and who are losing services, are going to really be facing hardship. I also think of all the trauma, children are going to have. When a country screws up and regular life is stopped either via war, or other traumas like pandemic, the life long effects on children will be there. Hopefully with this generation it will bring out some activism in the long run, but how many little depressed kids are there now being masked up and going to school fearing they are going to catch it and die?
Only talking to one person in person for 6 months is very strange. My husband has been very supportive, and started reading to me some of our favorite books, and taking time to visit parks. We have at least made many positive couple memories. Outside of three-four UUs, who brought me groceries or other things, my doctors and nurses, and clerks, I have not talked to any other person in months. Due to the growing deafness, even with a Caption phone, I don't talk on the phone like I used to. The effects of this on someone on the autism spectrum may be different. Will I be able to talk to people when this over?
One friend online told us she has friends with Lipedema and other severe conditions who have not left their apartments and homes in 6 months. I am super duper high risk but I would have lost my mind never going anywhere. People don't realize that even with my limitations, I was one of those people who liked to go out and live. Some on my Facebook wall used to comment on this, "you do a lot when you can get out" and it was true. I wasn't kayaking or hiking in woods, but I liked doing things, and going to events and having some activities.
I always have some project, I am even working on a cookbook for the UU, and helped husband put up something to publish on kindle--[basically a short zine length booklet] and I put art up on ebay, but being forced to live like I am in county prison except one with a better bed and internet has not done wonders for me. What other choice is there though? I am not some selfish person who will demand everything be opened up or to run around putting others at risk. I understand people doing self care, visiting parks or taking drives with their house-hold.
Last weekend, some anti-maskers who want to recall the Democratic governor in my state were across the street from my apartment building asking for signatures and with protest signs. Yes, just what we need is more Republican politicians to destroy the place. These types blather about tyranny as freedoms are lost, and refuse to wear masks. They have no fear. Notice none of them ever err on the side of caution. Lack of fear actually is a trait of sociopathy. I wanted to get out of the car and debate them, but my husband talked me out of it, since they were not wearing masks. I clamped down my desire to raise a giant middle finger, out the car window at them, because they were so close, they could see where I lived.
We aren't even seeing ONE best friend in person because we fear giving him something or vice versa. At his work place, one co-worker and two clients have already died.
Sadly these anti-maskers have made Covid spread far longer and become a bigger problem then it should have ever been. They still are spreading it, with parties and gatherings. Sadly evangelical Christians including well known pastors are spreading it with super-spreader events. The evil of these actions is beyond the pale. Why are they opening schools too soon? I hope when Biden gets in, he does some actions to stop COVID, even a month long total shut down, to stop it. It's been dragged out too long, and all these people who have kept it spreading, have endangered us all.
They seem to want to spread it as far and wide as possible. If I know people who have gotten it, and know of others who have died, why don't these people? An old online friend with Lipedema got it and recently died last month. That's what worries me that their stupidity will keep the virus spreading and we will never be able to get a handle on this pandemic to END it. It could go on for years and years. How many want life to be like this so long? Their solution to stop all lock-downs is insane. Millions would die.
I have the question now though, "Why won't Covid end?" If any science minded types read here, can you tell me what happens in the long run, if people refuse to follow protocols to stop it?
It just seems to keep going on and on without stopping. Will we ever be able to get our lives back?
If interested in either painting, email me at fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com and I will send you the ebay links. Lily pads and tree seed pods! I am selling for low prices, both paintings start at 25 dollars.
