When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family
This article was written in 2013 and has had over a fifty-four thousand hits. Yes that's 54,000!
I know it hit home with a lot of people. It seems there are a lot of narcissist dominant families out there. It's sad to me so many have faced what I have. This is something I don't want any other humans going through. If you have gone through this separation from family members it is painful. It is like seeing an entire family going down in a jet-liner, the grief is no different. You remember the few good times and some of my memories of the cousins and others were very pleasant, but in knowing there will be no new memories to be formed upon the destruction of ties and your reputation, it can be very painful.
Others of you have faced the same horrible pain of knowing you were a cast-off early on. Now I have lost the "entire" family outside some very minimal facebook contact with the cousins, and even that may end soon. I'm a stranger to them all any how. I knew this would happen long ago. Even three years ago, I knew in going no contact, there may not be one relative left. You can see even in the first article linked above, I knew what was coming.
My brother I gave up, I have him on my Facebook, but haven't let him see a post since March and haven't talked to him since I was informed of Aunt Scapegoat's death. He doesn't need or want a sister, some new furniture and keeping Mommy happy came first.
All the young people are thin and high achievers. There's not one independent thinker in the mix. Uncle Narcissist got his lauded GC daughter an internship in his company. She won't be messing around with milk-crates and poverty. She's one of the chosen. Some Millennials don't rebel at least from this set group. They kind of creep me out. They are all parent-pleasers one and all. So there's no hope there of a young kindred spirit. My dreams of having a connection there have died as well. To be frank that is painful too.
I have "got to move on". Family or no family. I'm an old woman, and I mean nothing to them. I'm the past not the future to those people. Narcissists are good at "moving on". They don't care when people die, they just erase them and they disappear like Aunt Scapegoat. Narcissists don't mourn friendships or anything else, they just go get a new victim. Even the family members who may think these narcissists love them, are sadly mistaken, they don't.
If only others would stop shoving "family" down my throat. Mother's Day is a hell-pit for the regular ACON but for the childless a double whammy. Is there a town out there where there's less family life? Maybe out West, people have moved somewhere new. Here they got their third cousins even living down the street from them. I hate the word "family" just with as much vitriol as Henry Rollins hates his Dad. The less I hear that word the happier, I'd be.
If you have lost your family to narcissists, I want you to know I understand. Many of us have gone through the same thing. It doesn't make it less painful but know you are not alone.
I know it hit home with a lot of people. It seems there are a lot of narcissist dominant families out there. It's sad to me so many have faced what I have. This is something I don't want any other humans going through. If you have gone through this separation from family members it is painful. It is like seeing an entire family going down in a jet-liner, the grief is no different. You remember the few good times and some of my memories of the cousins and others were very pleasant, but in knowing there will be no new memories to be formed upon the destruction of ties and your reputation, it can be very painful.
Others of you have faced the same horrible pain of knowing you were a cast-off early on. Now I have lost the "entire" family outside some very minimal facebook contact with the cousins, and even that may end soon. I'm a stranger to them all any how. I knew this would happen long ago. Even three years ago, I knew in going no contact, there may not be one relative left. You can see even in the first article linked above, I knew what was coming.
My brother I gave up, I have him on my Facebook, but haven't let him see a post since March and haven't talked to him since I was informed of Aunt Scapegoat's death. He doesn't need or want a sister, some new furniture and keeping Mommy happy came first.
All the young people are thin and high achievers. There's not one independent thinker in the mix. Uncle Narcissist got his lauded GC daughter an internship in his company. She won't be messing around with milk-crates and poverty. She's one of the chosen. Some Millennials don't rebel at least from this set group. They kind of creep me out. They are all parent-pleasers one and all. So there's no hope there of a young kindred spirit. My dreams of having a connection there have died as well. To be frank that is painful too.
I have "got to move on". Family or no family. I'm an old woman, and I mean nothing to them. I'm the past not the future to those people. Narcissists are good at "moving on". They don't care when people die, they just erase them and they disappear like Aunt Scapegoat. Narcissists don't mourn friendships or anything else, they just go get a new victim. Even the family members who may think these narcissists love them, are sadly mistaken, they don't.
If only others would stop shoving "family" down my throat. Mother's Day is a hell-pit for the regular ACON but for the childless a double whammy. Is there a town out there where there's less family life? Maybe out West, people have moved somewhere new. Here they got their third cousins even living down the street from them. I hate the word "family" just with as much vitriol as Henry Rollins hates his Dad. The less I hear that word the happier, I'd be.
If you have lost your family to narcissists, I want you to know I understand. Many of us have gone through the same thing. It doesn't make it less painful but know you are not alone.
Oh I know having no family is like the most dreaded thing out there. And then there is the waking up in the morning tied up in knots, then trying to cope with even a simple life, I feel like I'm only half holding on. But I do think the worst part is not having family to talk to even. I don't even think I'm trustworthy for not having a family.
ReplyDeleteEven my brother and sister I have left, maybe not narcissists, will still hold me to the same role they did before, and yank me back if I try to get out of place. There is not escaping this if I ever try with them, it is gone. But what I notice is that the small few memories I have of them, back when we were very small, are getting less painful, a little more on the melancholy, and maybe some day it will be great to just think of them a little. But for me it will always be no contact with them.
Having a blog and talking about this stuff is a lifeline for me.
I know it sucks. People don't want to be without families in this world. I told my husband maybe we should have taken the risk to have a kid 18 years ago but I was so sick, I was more worried about dying of sepsis in 2001 and was told by doctors who knew I was mostly infertile, DON'T GET PREGNANT you will DIE, then starting a family of my own. I didn't even have a period from age 19 to 46 unless it was forced by drugs. Now I have them, which is just more confusion and stress to be honest. Some days I wake up tied in knots too, good and bad days. The one in knots, I think thoughts like "Why in the hell didn't I have children?" [I was poor too and trying to be responsible realizing our severe limitations] and "Why does my whole family hate me?" Even when in contact with them, I am thinking 15-19 years ago they already were avoiding me like the plague and I felt like trash when I was around them and this includes the extended relatives too. It was like the red headed bastard step-child no one wanted to talk to and I remember trying to approach the nicer ones and talk to them and trying to 'get closer". Even all those paintings and books I sent Aunt Scapegoat trying to revive an earlier closer relationship with her makes me sad today.
DeleteI wasn't allowed to be anyone of worth around them. I was just the lazy fat scapegoat. And I felt this even talking to extended cousins on PM. They'd lovingly say my mothers name with respect and me they'd ignore direct questions or emotions, just close me out with surface politeness.
My brother has no respect for me either. He called to tell me of his woes with his heart surgery but I thought of my multitudes of cancer scares and sepsis and facing death and he just wasn't there and was "busy". He told me direct, that "you want to be ostracized" and "youre the black sheep" [same as my Aunt Scapegoat] he lives in denial about his second scapegoat status and how they disrespect and partially ostracize him too. "I got used to it, that's just the way they are" and "Why won't you" so there was no where for this relationship to go but for me to walk. He supports the family status quo. Same for my sister who is a poisonous narc/sociopath to the point even my brother admits she is antisocial and mean, but in his "that's just the way they are" world, I'm supposed to sit there and take it and be abused for the rest of my life, no way. I have limited energy and not going to spend it on people who hate me and treat me like worm. So yes, I have seen the whole make you go back in your place. I am the forever scapegoat/blacksheep/nothing in that group of people and there's no changing it, just changing myself and walking away.
I understand those small good memories too, when we were young and we had fun together, and even remembering who my sister used to be, when we had some closeness, but yeah things changed and I know for myself I couldn't live in the world of how I wanted things to be but deal with how things were. I am glad those memories are getting less painful. I hope with time it will for me too. I know I have the melancholic memories too. The blog helps me survive too even to have people to talk to who have shared in these experiences. People do judge the child-less in my case and also those who have departed from their family of origin. I'm not interested in being labeled as a scapegoat by the planet at large so easier to just keep my mouth shut about my family as much as possible.
Peep, if you hate the word "family" then you would hate living in Canada. "Family Day" is a national holiday in this country and yes, I f***ing hate family day!
ReplyDeleteOh man Family Day...I never heard of it. Let me look that one up...
Deletehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Day
Oh barf!
I looked at the posters honoring those who have bred too.
Yes that one is puke worthy. What about people without families?
I should have gotten pregnant as a teen like my old high school relative whose knee deep in relatives and grandchildren now. Maybe not....you can see the lines of stress in her face. Yeah I hate the word "family" with a passion. It's one reason I don't go to church, it's family this and that 24/7.
Dear Peeps and Friends, to not be connected with family, it's like having a disease, and people keep their distance. Well, those pee-pull can have at it - the same pollyanna-pew-warmers who, whether they know it or not, alienate lots of people from the Church.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it's like having a disease, people hear about it and pull away. It's better seriously to let people believe you just via natural circumstances have no family, you got old, had no children, everyone died off....I agree they can have it. More and more families themselves along with the trophy children have become trophies themselves. It's sad there's a lot of lonely people [single, child-less etc] who are alienated from church. I think about how I was treated even as a woman married for nearly 20 years and that still wasn't "good enough". There's a huge percentage of people who aren't ever marrying or having children nowadays, they definitely would not be made welcome.
DeleteThat's how I feel Sue, just like I have a disease. Even though I have children, the family ties are not there, the same it would be with parents of my own, siblings. Having family makes you worth something.
DeleteMy brother said a similar thing to me." Just forget the past."
ReplyDeleteI said "it's still happening". It fell on deaf ears. I went no contact with him . I also have no kids. It really does make you feel more alone and left out when you have no family either way. Someone should start an organization " people without families". Kind of like orphans. Well, not kind of...
I heard that too, and I told mine too, it continues on and never ends. One thing I kept thinking is nothing is changing here, I am in the same place I was when young. As the decades went on, it got more and more pathetic. I have gone no contact with my brother. He's on my Facebook but I'm not showing any posts. I don't want to talk to him anymore. He hasn't called me since he informed me of Aunt Scapegoat's death and I told him off.
DeleteHaving no family is hard. I thought as I got older it would be easier, but it got worse as all these people started having grand-children. I was talking to a fellow child-less friend today whose family has died off and her brother and cousin moved very far away about how everything is family-centered and how it seems impossible to meet anyone in the same boat. There is a no family group in England, if I had more energy--so many groups I'd love to be a part of, I'd ask them to start one in America.
http://standalone.org.uk/
Perhaps some inclusion of those who are orphans, or didn't have children or everyone or just about everyone died off would be important too.
People are ending up alone in this world, so I believe there's more of us out there then people can imagine.
I get sad and cry thinking of people I lost touch with. I was thinking about this one friend, I never had a falling out with, she was elderly and we both were in a writing group and I moved away but she didn't respond to cards and letters but probably just got too ill in this case. It's like all these connections were so short in duration. The people who have families and long term contact with others and people who treat them with love and who are loyal don't realize the incredible blessing that is in this world.
America needs an organization for people without families too.
Yes, I find it hard to make friends because of being sick, and also having no children or grandchildren. Everyone is so socially tied up in their families that if you don't have one you end up more alone.
ReplyDeleteMy brother complains about my nar father but then sucks up to him. His own children are starting not to like him because he is a narc and they see it. But he will still always commune with the family. He'd rather be miserable than alone. I'd rather stand on the truth even if it means being alone. And it's hard especially as we get older as you said.
I too have had elder friends that have died or I lost contact with. I have had so many friends move so far away. We are so nomadic today it just adds to feeling alone.
Sorry about the loss of your elder friend. They can be such a treasure as friends.
Sorry you are sick too. Being disabled or ill, socially it can be really bad. Energy is low to even socialize and then making new friends takes so much energy. I have noticed people seem tied up in their families too. I ask myself how did these people not have everyone move away? It blows my mind. I am glad your brother's children see through him and are not becoming narcs themselves. It's sad your brother sucks up to your narc father. The kids probably see that and don't respect him.
DeleteYes I had friends who died too, and sorry it has happened to you and others I lost contact with. Some friends moved away in my case too and of course I was forced to move from my rural town back in late 2006. All the moving I think is making people far more lonely too. Even if you stay in one place, people move away. In the rural town I was forced to leave, only a few people I know are left there, some died of course too. Yes those friends were treasured. It is hard for ACONS to see these close knit loving families when we were denied that.
Yes I think the low energy is the biggest raeson I don't socialize. I just don't have the energy most days. Also I don't want to waste the energy weeding out the narcs. There are a lot of them out there these days. I was in a pain group and I swear almost all the women were narcs. And they would talk about there families too much and not in the context of pain management just gossip. It was awful. I don't remember it being this bad even 15 or 20 years ago.
ReplyDeleteI am finding socializing harder and harder to the point I need to go talk to a therapist about it. It actually got worse after I went NC which I know sounds counter productive, I may write about it on here, but a lot of people couldn't deal with the way I had changed. There are a lot of narcs out there or what the Bible would call wicked people. This isn't to say I am not facing my own faults and evils, but a lot of people scare me. I can't tolerate people who are in full swing of drug or alcohol abuse--[those practicing present sobriety are okay, or who are cheating or partying or who believe in the system and all the narcs and achievement queens and kings. Then there's the people who don't want to deal with a "nerdy" 500lb or so --I'm not sure what I weigh right now, woman with no money so on the social front I'm kind of screwed. Everyone my age, has a standard of living I can't even imagine too, so what do I talk to them about. We have something like 10 dollars to our name and I am even wondering how I'm going to get money for three prescriptions and gas to get to the dentist next week which is 15 miles away. I think husband is doing transcribing that will bring in some money next week but most people can't even imagine my life. I can tell a lot of people think I am a fat bum, because some of the disabilities are invisible like the lungs, and I have gotten the feeling some think I'm some weird eccentric wearing these "strange leg wrappings" all the time. Add in the hearing problems and I am about to give up socially.
DeleteI moved too much too, and ruined my social fortunes leaving my last town but then so many people died or moved away there, that staying there, it may have gotten sad too.
Yes weeding out the narcs is hard. Even with the catfish pseduo "Friendship" she got in mirroring me and pretending to be someone "just like me". I should have known it was too good to be true and actually had that thought but didn't listen to intuition. I've encountered the people talking about their families too much as well, everything is family, children, grandbabies and tons of things I never could afford in a million years. It has gotten far worse then 15-20 years ago. I'm old enough to know people have changed. Even my family 30 years ago had some semblance of loyalty between SOME members, an Aunt Scapegoat of today would have been thrown away not taken care of by the relatives.
I used to wonder why I was so unable to like socializing. Truth of the matter is, I don't like it. Its not that I can or I can't its just not me. I know I feel like I oughta, but where is that coming from? Could some thought be planted in my head from someone who brainwashed me into believing I'm antisocial? Cause why do I feel guilty about it? If I'm basically a good person inside but my preference is quiet time with few or no people this could be just my way. And I'm happy that way.
DeleteIts like someone telling you you oughta like this or that, be part of the pod people, making us all the same, and this darn tootin socializing is something we all oughta like.
And maybe Peep, after your NC you discovered parts of yourself, and you are like that too. Its just my opinion of course, but I don't like socializing that much but I'm feeling like I oughta like it.
There's part of me who wants to socialize but it feels so hard, and people seem closed down today and now I don't have the energy to "try so hard" if that makes sense. I feel like I should too.
DeleteI even say things to husband like "We should get some more friends and should we just hide out together in our apartment all day long? I know part of me closed down too because so many friends died or were lost from moves and then I had the fake narcs I had to kick to the curb and other betrayers, so in terms of the real life social life, there's been a lot of grief, disappointment and baggage and loss.
Yes someone could have told you that you were antisocial. It sounds like something a narc would say. I know I reel inside because in my head is my mother saying "no one likes you" and the family calling me a weirdo. I like hanging out with people one on one or a few at time, more quiet, not loud parties and huge audiences. With the pods, even trying to socialize not being a pod is tough. I feel like people are matching more. Does that make sense. Like they all dress and act the same and come in only a few flavors now like politically right and left. If you don't fit one of those types or demographics, you are left hanging out in the wind.
I am asking myself more of what I want to do. I don't mind some community involvement and socializing to a point but I have relaxed more about it, and I'm not pushing myself about it as much, some of this is health related but I got tired. Sometimes it is easier just to hang out with my husband, and we enjoy our time together. I figured I am an old Aspie and well the social life I dreamed of one day wasn't going to happen. I don't fit in, in a lot of places. I hate small talk and find it boring and class wise I can't even afford the things to even attempt to "fit in". I wish it was easier, that is for sure, you know. Why is it so hard? Some people who are relatively healthy and such are telling me they are lonely too. Something bad is happening to American society. I don't feel I have to beat myself up anymore to make friends and try and socialize though now.
I don't mind some gatherings, but I have to limit that time wise. People are so closed. Why should I spend my time in small talk (boring) when I can have so much more just being alone even, with things I like. And I don't even think I'm that pleasant to be around when I have to force myself to like something I don't.
DeletePlus too, there are my senses going crazy around the narcs, and its like a game of dodge the ball, and to stay on alert like that, all the time, is so exhausting, mentally, physically, you name it.
For example, people ask me why I don't tan, or I don't do this or that. Truth is, I can't tan, but why does this even have to be a discussion? I mean who cares? Books, quilting, is so much more exciting to me.
This is where I find relaxing into my true self is the best way for me. I can't even hide my repulsion to a lot of socializing, I like it a little, but on my terms, and for the good people of this world, being myself is the true gift I give them, not fake. Those people who want us to pretend all the time, they don't care about the real me anyway, so it doesn't matter.
I have to limit my time socializing too. It can drain me. I have to socialize a lot this week for me with an eye appointment, self help board meeting, and disability seminar. Its an unusual week with a lot in it, and I'm not housebound yet and already I get a bit worried hoping I can keep self together.
DeletePeople are so closed now. It's hard to talk to some. I am too Aspie and get worn out trying to carry conversations. The me of today doesn't want to do it so much. Hope that makes sense. All the energy? Where does it go. It feels hard to be close to people when I only see the back end of them. Actually my internet connections with people feel stronger because they are here and present and respond while IRL it seems people go poof sometimes without explanation, like at the meetings and whatnot.
Small talk bores me too. I am trying to expand my social circles into unusual areas, I did figured out most of the "normals" aren't going to give me the time of day [some are nice to me but I never will be close] so I'm trying to meet other Aspies and other people on the fringes like me and working with the disability community.
I know I can't fake things either, sometimes I would socially but people would figure it out.
The narcs scare me too and it is like a Dodge ball game and they usually win. Even if I see to win at that minute, if they get in and know me at all, they use all information to destroy me.
Tanning discussions would bore me. I wouldn't fit in the tanning bed even if I wanted to and would break it. yes quilting and hobbies are good. I was in some hobby groups but the stamp and rock collectors saw me as this poor weirdo with a pathetic stamp collection of cheap stamps. I may still go when I have money to buy stamps but I was definitely not accepted. That hurt because I loved both hobbies but there class issues kicked me in the butt big time. I know not having certain things I will never fit in and I finally have realized I don't need to work at that so much. Some of that felt like a repeat of my families crap where I was kicked to the curb for not being financially successful.
I agree relaxing into your true self is the way to go. I ask myself now WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO? I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore. I want real people and places where I can be real among people who are judging me every second. That's kind of why I did some of the social rehauling. I'm not sure where it will go but I will keep doing what I am interested in. With the stamp club Ill show up to look at stamps but I'm not bending overbackwards to say "please like me".
For the people who don't care about the real us, I'm telling myself I don't have to care either, and I always was trying hard to be liked too. it took a lot of energy and I don't have it now. Thanks Joan
Yes, even my family also was slightly better 25 years ago.Though still totally whacked,but there are levels.
ReplyDeleteI didn't listen to my intuition once and it cost me dearly. I totally believe our intuition is a gift.
I'm sorry you are having so much trouble with lack of money. I'm not as bad off as you, but a trip to the dentist could tap me out very easily or a car breakdown. And in the winter months my husband can be unemployed for scary periods. I feel like it might crash for us at some point or maybe not. But I hate that we are on the edge of not knowing. It's harder to cope with these things when you are ill. It's like the worst of two bad fates.
I have been lonely the past year and come to think of it that is when I had decided to go no contact. And I didn't have much contact before that. I used to be able to handle loneliness really well. I like being alone. Now I don't but I don't know what changed.
I also am having a hard time being around people with bad behaviors and am also no saint.But I think good company is important. But I haven't found it at all lately. I also don't feel excepted. Maybe I dress too poor or people sense I am really ill and tired. I also think people probably sense how damaged I feel,how much I am mourning so many things in my life and what I've realized about life. Maybe that overwhelms them. Also I am a truth seeker and people tend to be followers and like to go with the flow. So they may sense that in me too.
I gave up a lot of social avenues.
A therapist might be good. Just be really careful. They can be narcs or just plain uncaring or bad at their job. Listen to your gut every step of the way. Hope you find a good one.
You are an interesting and intelligent person so you deserve a good guide.
Yeah families used to be better years ago, I think the overall social disconnection has impacted things. Thanks for your compliments, yes we have to be careful on the therapists. I know socializing got harder for me too, people can see I am sick beyond being fat, with being on a walker and more. I even have a hump, and I walk hunched over. Being deaf before I got my good hearing aids too even has affected things and the hearing aids help but sometimes I am simply not understanding people or it takes me longer to know what is going on and people are not patient today.
DeleteSorry you have been lonely, I don't want to hang out with partiers or drinkers or druggies and there's narcs and backstabbers to watch out for. Yes I don't feel accepted either, and I don't have the money, ability to conform or to display energy and lots of confidence and look healthy enough. People can pick up when we are ill and tired and I know this got harder as I got older. So I feel for you too. I mourn a lot of things in my life. I don't have the energy and wherewithal to impress the "don't be negative" crowd. They simply wore me out. Agree about being a truth seeker, I just can't conform well enough in many circles! Thanks for your post, I relate a lot to what you say here.
I kind of think people are becoming more wicked. Even worldwide. Maybe we are going to collapse as a society. Or things are going to get rough if you like any kind of semblance of sanity in your life. The signs are out there. People just don't want to face it, so we have to grieve alone.
ReplyDeleteSorry, getting a little maudlin.
I think they are too. The bible warns of the days people will wax cold and I think they are here. I even see pictures of people in all the selfies and some of them seem to have "weird eyes". I hope I don't sound crazy here, but they will be duck lipping it and bulging their eyes out and I am creeped out to the max, thinking that person looks mean and like they'd stab me in the back in a New York second. I think society is going to collapse and Venezuela is our warning. I wasn't able to prep and run out of food now, so if I don't die of diabetes I wonder how my body will react. I certainly wasn't able to prepare. People don't want to face it I agree. The churches don't feel safe and are not places where we can talk about what is really going on. It is a grieving. I remember when life was MUCH different. I don't think I am crazy either to see these differences.
DeleteI just read about the unrest in Venezuela yesterday. They have collapsed before. I have no way to prep. Plus I would feel bad for not giving the food to the food bank.
ReplyDeleteChurches do not feel like safe places to me anymore either. All the weird accountability groups where nosy people can control you. I'd rather go to a catholic priest in a private booth. What hypocrites, all putting down the catholic church and then doing the same thing but worse. And I'm not sticking up for the catholic church here, just trying to show the hypocrisy.
No, your not crazy. Almost everyone around where I live has a least one tattoo; and lots of people have there whole body tattooed and huge, and I mean huge plugs in their ears. And they might even seem like perfectly nice people but there has to be something wrong, when within 5 to 10 years so many people start doing this to their bodies. There is so much wrong I'd actually have to start my own blog to even touch the subject. The thing I regret the most is being sick because it will be harder to cope as things get worse.
And I know a lot of middle class people that don't want to see what's possibly coming down the road because their lives are just fine. It's just selfish.
I have no way to prep either. We are out of food now and on the edge, though I have some chicken I can make in the freezer I got from a food pantry. Churches don't feel safe either to me. Everything costs so much church just seems like another expense and rooms full of judgmental people. Yes all those weird cell groups and others in the bigger ones, and tons of gossip and put downs if you admit any troubles at prayer sessions. I don't need upper class women lording it over me anymore. A lot of churches are daughters of Rome. LOL I left the Catholic church too but it's true at least a priest can't talk officially about what you confessed too or talked about but the women at the church sessions sure can.
DeleteYeah the tattoos weird me out. Most of them are ugly and a lot aren't doing butterflies and pretty stuff but demonic looking faces and wolves and other things like that. The plugs in the ears freak me out and look painful. Yeah I am kind of scared to be sick in this society, it won't take much to put me out. Even those days we had no electricity almost put me in hospital but friends helped. If that happens during cold enough weather I would not make it. A lot of the middle class just seem woefully blind and in denial they don't want to know. Many are selfish and busy bragging to the society controllers.