Monday, October 7, 2013

When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family



[cite for all pictures-This Charming Charlie]

At every job I used to have pre-disability life, I always managed to find one friend or ally usually in the mix if I was there long enough and it wasn't a temp job. Every organization, club or church I have been a part of, I usually ended up with a couple of friends. And in my case, I don't just have pals though everyone has those but real friends I can talk about anything with.  Sure I'm shy to a few people but my social fortunes were far poorer among those I was related to.

Today I am asking how did I not end up with so few allies in my entire family? Inside there is a painful part, that says, "your whole family hated you and had little to do with you as possible, what's wrong with you?"

From the start, I was treated like an outsider. This was the scapegoating process in the narcissistic world. Sometimes it can be painful to hear people talk about their cousins, aunts, uncles, children, step-children, grand-nieces, and grandparents. I am now without one relative in my life. I never really had no family when it got right down to it.

My mother controls so many of them. Since I went no contact, not one has to tried and contact me except via her direction. No one wrote an email [they have it] and no one tried to write me via a social website.  Only two contacted me via her direction on the exact same day and wrote the words she wanted them to write. It was easy to tell.  Dry one-liners which in my sister's case screamed, "Mom told me to send this!" No whiff of any apologies or concern or anything else. No unscripted messages. It was kind of like dying ahead of time, and you walk into your own funeral or memorial service, and realizing not one relative has shown up. A big part of my going NC, was realizing impeding illness and possible shortage of time here on earth wasn't changing anything. Years ago I made too many excuses for relatives not showing up in hospitals when I was so sick except for my husband. 

Not one of the 16-23 people I walked away from, even though they know I have serious life threatening health conditions asked, "Are you all right?". I have gotten far more care from churches and organizations and clubs I have been a part of then my own supposed "family".

 Yes, they should be ashamed of themselves.  I spent too many years like Charlie here, until I found love via my husband and friends:



How does one function when their own family hated and rejected them? The worse thing my mother ever did to me  was taking other people away from me and destroying my relationships with them because they cared most about keeping her pleased and fearing her.  This happened via the result of smear campaigns, and forcing me into a role, I later rejected. My mother bonds with people by putting others down, and a smear campaign is when things are distorted and manipulated to get people to think badly of you.  The below experience as described by another ACON in her rejecting family,  got extreme for me by the way. Everything was about pleasing the queen while I was chopped liver,  some of the relatives would ask me questions like "Do you think your mother likes me"?

"I, for example, had an “over-active imagination” and while the phrase “drama queen” had yet to be invented, that was the gist of how NM painted me to the family. In a situation in which numerous motives might be at work, NM always selected the worst possible one for me, regardless of what was truly going on in my mind. Over a period of years a picture of me was formed in the minds of family members who rarely saw me and when they did, the reality of me was overshadowed by the picture in their minds.
 When NMs do this, it sets the stage for later predations. If everybody “knows” how bad you are, they have no empathy for you even though you are a small child. They feel bad for your poor mother and admire her courage and bravery in continuing to deal with you and even love you despite your awfulness. Cousins ignore, disdain and/or bully you. It becomes a habit to hate you, a habit to blame you, a habit that becomes entrenched and unquestioned after so many years, and it spreads from one family member to the next like a disease." [link]
 This sums things up. Everything revolved around her. Nothing she said about me was questioned. For me the bad way the family looked at me spread like a disease too. Some relatives would change on a dime once she had a visit with them or saw them more. There was one point I even said to  my siblings, "Can we Have our OWN relationships"? By the way this is not unknown in the narcissistic world, it is known that narcissistic mothers via triangulation and manipulative ways destroy relationships, especially between the chosen scapegoat and others. I think this happened in the extreme with me and it cost me the entire family.

When one thinks about mankind, I wonder if this is the microcosm of toxic families that shows the macrocosm of why in the world, so many sociopathic dictators rule who seek to destroy those who are good, or creative or have another voice or who stand for truth. In other words why do folks like Stalin and Hitler rule the roost, and get others do their evil bidding? If anything in this fallen world, the more evil a leader, the more control they seem to gain. This was true of my mother. Her power was complete.

 I don't know everything my mother told my other relatives about me, but whatever it was it was bad. One thing I did notice was the constant invalidation, that no matter what I did or said, it did not matter. Even if one family member agreed with me or backed me up even for the slightest second and that was rare, she seemed to always make sure that this would end no matter how petty of a matter it was. Any rebellion was quashed and any alliance with me, was to be thwarted.  I have heard her tell people directly, I was not important, and not worth the bother. Imagine people listening to this for years and years?

Before I went NC, I caught some of this stuff in action, she told my brother not to visit me last fall because it would be "too much trouble". I had not seen that brother in 4-5 years. He went to go visit her and followed her directions.  She told a cousin, I was silly and stupid to stand up for my personal beliefs, this was the family gathering where she actually emailed everyone a list of topics no one was allowed to discuss and he went along with her even though at first he had agreed with me. That was yet another betrayal. She has the money, presents and fancy dinners to give them, I do not.

One part of my going NC, was realizing I did not want to be the forever scapegoat, the person that mattered not, where my forever role among these people seemed to be "fat, poor, loser" and nothing else. By the way, they know about the endocrine disorders and the mild Aspergers, it made not one whit of difference. There was no give or take on the health problems and how I was finding travel far more difficult. I haven't even seen friends in my old town 150 miles away due to the limitations of funds and health now to make the trip. Sitting in a car with severe lymphedema is a different matter then the average person. Many were just flat out mean, including one uncle who on a social website, who would insult the poor knowing of my economic struggles.

It was sad to see the growing subservience over the years among the clan. If the Queen didn't like you, then others realized this, and to stay in her good graces they would avoid you, and at least not want to become close to you. This basically sums up, why I ended up where I did. She totally ruled the roost. One way she totally ruled, is she always came first when it came to visits or anything else. The light was shined on her, while I stood to the side in darkness.

Until I found ACON boards and read how this happens with these severe personality disorders, the malignant narcissists have the extreme talent to isolate the scapegoats,  for years I questioned how did this happen? I blamed myself for far too long. At least now I know.


It's scary how I tried so hard over so many years to work on relationships that were a dead end. Trying to write letters to this one aunt, only to be ignored. Sending one aunt a painting I did, and a box of  gifts only to have her throw it into the bottom of the closet and have it get water damaged. By the way she was the scapegoat of the last generation, and I will write about her soon too. She was no ally, she allowed herself to be crushed into nothing by these people and served as a warning.

Trying to call another who never called back. Inviting cousins and others to visit only to be ignored. Visiting people out of state even during years I was at extremely high weights and had breathing issues, timing those visits for non- housebound times, swelling up in the car for hundreds of miles {I was limited to trips that took one day to get there and back with some hours to visit} and never having anyone return the favor. No one calling, the immediate members of the family calling at the level of the bare minimum, the not being invited to weddings, and parties and other family events, or being set up not to show up with others like my sister refusing to share their plans, it all added up. I tried too hard too long. I got the feeling over the years, that duty and appearances were the only things keeping the head matriarch even bothering with me.

What is weird is how much I tried to approach them and tried to take an interest in them as people while they took none in me. I told them, I felt bad about how I lacked the money and finances to visit as much as I wanted--I did push myself body and otherwise to visit as much as I could. Part of this was even informing them, that I haven't even seen one of my favorite places on earth my old small town, in more then two years. I would invite them to visit, and I live in a place that is popular, with plenty to do.  For years when I lived in my remote rural town, I thought that was why no one visited, but really it was more, because when I moved to where I live now, I moved smack dab in the middle of my mother and sister who live 300-400 miles apart and off the highway they use, and that changed NOTHING as they visited each other for years and weeks at a time. My mother would drive thousands of miles to go out of state, hundreds to go visit others. She never misses a family event and is there for everyone to see which limited my role even more as a nobody within the family while she waged her smear campaigns against me. She considered me unimportant and the others at her direction jumped on the bandwagon.

I live 75 miles away and only saw her TWICE at my home in the last 6 years, once for an hour on my birthday when she happened to be on the way home from somewhere else, and for the 2 minute present drop off of last year. Yes, that told me what a low priority I had become among many other things.

The family was a clique and I was not in it. Most of them were 6 figures rich, I am not talking ordinary middle class types but ones who could afford a new car every two years, who owned second homes, who flew to China for business, who had massive weddings, that cost tens of thousands of dollars. Sadly though in my family, only what you DID matter not who you WERE, and all achievements were measured by the dollar signs, not by any other criteria. Volunteer work, community projects, artistic ventures did not count.

There is a divide now in the family between the upper middle class types and the few poor ones that remain. The upper class ones see themselves as extremely superior to the poor ones. They look down from mountain tops. The sad thing? Well most of the poor ones have accepted their place, I supposed they consider me uppity for not doing so and not worshipping them because of their greater money. If you do not become who they want and do not conform, you are called a loser and a failure. I grew up hearing very bad things said about cousins, aunts and uncles who did not acquire a certain income, "that one is a drunk, that one is lazy, that one is no good!" Ironically even some of the ones on their knees before the Queen were maligned all the time, but they never would believe that was happening when I told them!

One thing I read on many psychology websites, was that when Scapegoats "fight back" and are no longer willing receptacles of abuse, they are closed out. Around my 20s, I stood up against the overt abuse enough for this to begin happening. Imagine your mother is the leader of a clique and you're the rejected nerd girl, in the junior high school slam book. Thus was my life with my family. I wasn't getting invited to parties, talked to. None of the relatives ever shared any of their real selves with me, or got deeper then a cashier at a gas station. I hope and pray one day, I find out I am not really related to any of them but if I am, I lost the DNA Lotto on multiple levels.

Yes I had to give up and walk away. This scapegoat quit, and walked away from the doors slammed in her face and those who didn't even "see" her. I pray everyday that my nieces and nephews become different people who stand up for themselves and care about and love people the right way. I pray at least a few "rebel" against the family system and "come out of it". I am growing stronger since going NC, and realizing I am somebody to other people and to God. No more being a nobody to pedestrian people with no emotions who don't really care about anyone else but themselves.


Post script: I have contact with a few cousins but it's minimal. They are okay people but don't see or understand what happened to me.


197 comments:

  1. Of all the things NP do, robbing their child of all other family members-- by conscripting them, lying about the child, using money as leverage--is by far the most evil, IMO. To turn all FOO members against the scapegoat is an inhuman thing for a parent to do to a child. Gah. Of course you had to walk away. And most people will never know how long you tried to alter reality in your head to make it really "your fault," so as to find a way back in, before realizing that there was no way back in because they don't want you there. If you can survive that knowledge, you can get better. I am slowly doing it, after a thirty year struggle with the reality of my parents' narcissism.

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    1. I totally agree. It is taking me years and years to to let go of the twisted reality and begin to trust myself. But those thoughts do creep in and kick me in the butt.

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    2. I replay events that happened to me from npd parents almost daily. I wish it would stop. It is so hard to stop thinking about something that refuses to change. The truth will always be the truth, but it's a losing battle against the ultimate liars. THE NPD"S....

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    3. I saved this blog to re-read during the last few months of breaking free from my N mom. She started losing control of her empire over the past few years, in part due to the fact that her “perfect husband", my dad, filed bankruptcy. I threw that up in her face, and used it as an excuse to walk away, and found that counter-criticizing her did a lot to improve my opinion about myself. Old age tends to cut Narcissists down to their right size, if the scapegoat launches an electronic counterattack using FB, and writes them off as meddling elderly people. What a relief to get that old bag off my playlist, after the years she spent malaligning me... Good riddance!

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    4. I hope it can help, I have written two recent articles about my rejecting family. You are fortune to have one who lost control of her empire. I can't even imagine that for mine. How did she slid off from the top? I am surprised she did not replace your Dad with a richer man but maybe I am thinking of my own too much LOL. Mine is old but it hasn't cut her down to size but I suppose with some that mentally and physically weaken it can't be helped. I hope your NC is good for you, there will be relief.

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  2. I think this is the most evil thing she did, robbing me of the rest of the family. I tried to fight against it, really I did, but she had things set up, so I always looked like the "negative" and "complaining" party while she came to visit everyone else with a smile on her face, with presents in hand. There was no way to "win", so 5 months ago yes as you see, I walked away. Agree so much about the attempts to make things right in my own head and trying to "fix it all" and realizing it was futile. I spent a year before I went NC trying to see if one ally could be retained. I told both siblings about the narcissism, and one admitted my mother has no real affection or feelings but said, "You are only making things harder on yourself!" and basically told me to get back in line. The N sis ignored it and I had to admit to myself her lack of attachment to other human beings and emotions meant she had basically turned into my mother. One thing I kept thinking as I went NC, "You must give up, it is not going to get better, you have to walk through that door!" Thanks :)

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  3. It's no easy thing to walk through that door. Most ACoNs reach the point of desperation, of intolerable cognitive dissonance, before cutting contact with toxic FOOs. That you have to do so with NO support from any of them makes it worse. But you will be saner for it in the long run, and eventually their emotional importance will recede. It won't ever go away I don't think--but the relationship to it changes. at least for me.

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  4. Oh the cognitive dissonance is horrible, you think thoughts like "How can you walk away from your entire family?" but then have to face the facts about the treatment and abuse. I knew even years ago, I always felt BAD around them, all of them. The head matriarch had it set up, where the disrespect was ingrained among them, and nothing I said or did would matter. Add in the fact she was always around them, and I was far away lacking money or health to visit very often. I have to admit I am sad that I ended up with no one, and she "won" them all over including the other side of the family which invited her to a wedding and not me. There is some major pain for me to have walked away like this, and the only responses among 23 people were scripted and directed by her. I think I will be saner for it in the long run. It's better to deal with the truth and face it rather then live in a bubble of delusion, hoping against hope to have any respect and love from people who have none. I am glad things got better for you and their emotional importance receded.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    I've only recently started to become aware that I've been scapegoated by my mother and one of my sisters my entire life. But like your experience, everyone in my family has now ostracized by my entire family. I've suffered from depression most of my life, have had a few breakdowns where I've needed to be hospitalised. I've attempted suicide. I don't get invited to family occasions (like my mother's recent 80th). I wrote to one of my sisters a while ago and put my hand out in friendship so we could at least start fresh. I got the most horrible response, she was happy with things the way they were but would like to continue seeing my son. Her husband contacted me and said that he was embarrassed by the letter, by being at the 80th and said that he couldn't believe all my siblings were justifying my not being there. It’s an intentional infliction of emotional distress. I find out about events via my son's facebook account.

    A family legacy of destruction continues by scapegoating and isolating a designated “enemy”. I occupy this role. It’s a pattern which has been repeated over the years, and is passively condoned by others in the family who look the other way.

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  6. Thanks. Anon I am sorry you have been scapegoated your entire life. I am sorry your own family is ostracized. I have faced bad ostracization, while the others are close and visit each other, no one wants anything to do with me, the narcissists set it up, so you are deemed "unworthy" by their standards and unlikeable. This kind of thing does lead to serious depression. I know it's been a struggle for me all my life. I get disinvited or they make sure to hold events during times I am housebound [the middle of July or January/December. No one ever helps me get anywhere, aka they'll drive a mile within my apt but not offer a ride or anything else. That is so sad you were not invited to your mother's 80th birthday, and trust me I relate. Mine had parties and events I never heard about. Sometimes I would get an invitation for appearances, or show up at one I found out about but it was never that happy for me. I would be ignored always for everyone else, pushed and shunted aside. Be careful with the sister, and your son. I know too many people who have lost children to narcissistic family members who influence them to reject even their own parents--this can happen especially in young adult hood and if they have money. It is an intentional infliction of emotional distress, do not forget that. I will never understand this. I've been thrown away as the "enemy" too. The passive bystanders I see as just as responsible. I only have contact with a couple cousins right now, but have to be careful even with them, it's very light contact. One thing my N mother managed too was turning everyone into a stranger, they didn't even want to know me anymore. I will pray for you and am sorry you are going through this pain too.

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    1. How do you deal with everyone turning against you? What does it mean to you? How do you survive?

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  7. I just found your blog today after going no contact with a family member. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I had found you earlier but I likely had to let go of the dysfunctional relationship to find healthier people.

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  8. Thanks Carmen. I am glad you were able to let go of your own dysfunctional relationships. I know it is not easy and I hope my story can help others.

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  9. After reading so many of the comments here, I guess I'm still shocked and bewildered that others have experienced the same scapegoating techniques that I have. Everyone here has a good quote to remember, something to help you when you are down. It has become apparent to me that my family is a special kind of cruel. Although I have not informed people I am going low contact, I know they know something is going on. I have been reading other scapegoating discussions and eerily still find how bewildering all of our experiences are. How can we come from different families, yet have similar stories of neglect, abuse, backstabbing and betrayal? I would like to know from your experiences, what happens to the scapegoat once they actually leave the dysfunction behind? Will there be phone calls from the siblings and relatives trying to find out information? Will there be silence? Is it possible for a Narc Mom to change back and forth from engulfing to ignoring during this distancing?

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    1. I was ostracized for NO reason (I was the scapegoat) and never contacted again it has been years by my whole family including nephews and nieces who I was nice to. The whole family ostracized me for good and my father disowned me. I did NOTHING to deserve that. They did a lot of bad things including sexual and severe emotional abuse. I paid for their evil.

      Its very hard. I guess every family is different but that was in my case.

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    2. I have LC with the few cousins and others that noticed I was alive but that is the exceptions to the rule. The narcs have a way of turning people against you even overtly or in a subtle fashion where they figure trying to be close to you isn't worth the cost. I think about all the times I reached out only to get a door slammed in my face. I am sorry you went through so much abuse. It is horrible isn't it? I will pray for you. With the younger members sadly the evil narcs train them to abuse the scapegoat too.

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  10. I am sorry you have gone through this. I agree about the feeling of the special feeling of cruel. I am not sure what happens to the scapegoat since I am only 6 and half months into this, but others who have gone NC for years have said they achieved healing and more peace of mind. It has shocked me how much of the same stories of neglect, abuse, backstabbing occur among acons, of course I blamed my obesity for a lot of what happened to me but have realized what happened to me went way beyond that because the stories of thin or average sized neurotypical [non-Aspie] match mine. I suppose these personality disorders all operate from the same MO and affect people in the same way. In my case my NC brought...

    1. Silence from most. They are afraid to talk about things. My NM kept my departure secret.

    2. Some hoovering with cards. Only few phone calls at start.

    3. I am LC with a few, but they are so afraid of retribution from the matriarch, they are saying as little as possible about my NC.

    4. Some relief.

    5. My self esteem has increased. I was talking to my home nurse today about what happened to me, and she asked has your self esteem gotten better? I have thrown off the burden of trying to please the unpleasable.

    6. I still get cards from GC Nsis, they are very generic types, no personal comments, like postcard with children's pictures on it.

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  11. Has anyone learned what could possibly be said about one to bring about the ostracization of an ENTIRE family? I'm taking Dad, uncle, aunt, cousins... Please share if you have any ideas. I am at a complete loss...

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  12. simple. Narcissistic smear campaigns combined with long distances, lack of travel money for some on BOTH sides and severe health problems on the end of one party. Actually NC with a narcissist will improve these relationships and has with some massively.

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  13. I have very much lived this. The deep hatred from them has been there for a long time and the others would stand up for my abuser and gang up with her as well. I have had a few friends of mine open up about their experiences with her. My spouse had told me that every time that I was out of the room, they would attack me and say horrible things about me. She even went so far to hurl false accusations at me in order to break my family up cause she believes I have no rights to anything. Then the rest of "her" family would follow suit and attack me, when I was never present. Another friend strongly believes that all of what they have said was deeply uncalled for and it made them look bad, in his eyes. So I sort of have a rough idea as to what may have been said to "her entire family".

    It hurts not having relatives (the grief is a major loss) but I would far rather be an orphan than to endure the extreme dysfunction from my family of origin. Right now, I deeply fear my life because of all the false allegations and the trouble that it can make. I would love to change my name but, I can't because my ex is very close to my abuser and he wilfully demands that "his" child see his grandma. I don't want my child around that woman and I get accused of being selfish, only caring about myself and taking out a grudge on his ex mother in law by using a child...... it gets twisted. My oldest now brings up or tryst to guilt trip me that I'm not in contact with the FOO.

    I have a younger child that is completely protected away from my abuser and she is safe. Not like my oldest girl, who is still exposed to the abuser. She would be the type to even turn my children against me.

    My abuser has also turned some of my ex boyfriends against me by disclosing every single thing about my life. There was no disclosure and no privacy. My whole live or whatever that was shared with her was all on display. I talked with her many times to know that it was not just me that she spoke ill of, it was her stepsons, that she wished were dead from their lives. She was abusive to others in the family as well. Though with her you best, she made as a favorite and would do anything for. Always spoke highly of her because the favorite was an exact extension of herself.
    ; but in her eyes better. The baby of the family has a rich husband and a very nice house. She is extremely stylish and as a fancy wardrobe and a dew hundred friends.

    Some insights is that the baby is living the life that my abusive mother wanted so much to live, (her dream life) but instead she became pregnant with me during her teenage years. Deeply resentful that her young life was tragically taken away and an very unwelcome burden heaped upon her life. Though she had a choice to get an abortion, let family raise the baby or give it up for adoption.

    She decided to keep the baby, yet I'm not sure if this was forced on her or what. All I know is that she never wanted to be a mom and she hated children very much. She ended up marrying my biological father who then was extremely abusive to her, her son and me. Her first husband cheated on her and left one Christmas eve, after that she lost to will to be a parent. She grieved the loss of her son going to live with his dad. Men became one of the most important quests in her life and would leave me with my grandparents.

    The silver lining was I did have allies. My grandparents became my mom and dad and my oldest uncle as well.

    It has been over a year since "her" entire family stormed out of my life. I have had to look at the circumstance and situation surrounding the origins of my life and the dynamics into to start to heal.

    This is rather long windowed but I felt compelled to share and to give some insights into why some mothers are like this......

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  14. Inside an introverted World, I am so sorry you have faced this. It is not easy. The deep hatred is sometimes inexplicable isn't it? I had a few cousins and my brother who still seemed to have some affection for me, but I have to be careful with them because they have contact with her. I think of the years worth of lies and the constant put downs. There was a time in my 20s, where I seemed to be gaining some allies in the family but I lost as time passed, and I was forced to move away farther for jobs and try and survive and faced other challenges, so guess who they saw more of because she had money to travel and see them and buy gifts far more often. I am glad your spouse told you what happened and how they trashed you. I would hear about the trashing from other people and indirectly and in my case, she would wait for me to be alone. With my spouse they didn't even try it, probably fearing what he would say.


    Breaking your family up is uncalled for and starting lies about you. That is terrible. I have heard of narcs doing that and worse to people. For me there was no mercy either, the rest of the family started to view me the say way she did, and the sway and influence she has over the entire family is scary, I suspect this happened with you too. Before I went NC, I was figuring out some things that were said. I had no money to make it to grandmother's funeral, [needed at least $300 for the gas there and every source of money by then was tapped out via husband's lay offs] and was very sick. They knew I was broke, but I am sure the story was I didn't care about the grandmother or didn't want to be there. She told one aunt that I did not want to attend a wedding, the one I was disinvited to. They can sow poison not even in overt "She is horrible ways" but in more covert, and when that faucet drips for YEARS and you live hundreds of miles from said relatives and see them at most 1-2 times a year it can go really bad. I haven't seen many of them now in 7-8 years. Yes it hurts not having relatives. A few of the ones I even asked, "How come you don't visit or try to have anything to do with me?" and it's excuse city. I know in my heart many of them are so afraid of her or having her think badly of me, that she influenced them to hold me at a distance and have as little to do with me as possible. Those are some of the dynamics that narcs can set up to you know...

    continuing...

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  15. I already know in my ways I am an orphan but its better to even be alone rather then be abused and try and find close friends in one's community to be a family. I have good friends in my life who really serve that role. One friend who died, I consider my surrogate mother.

    I would take precautions considering their false allegations. Maybe send a letter to a trusted friend, signed and dated and notarized about what could happen, and then if they try anything you will have some evidence that you feared these false accusations at one point.

    I hope you can change your name, maybe you can when your child turns 18. One thing when children are involved I have seen narc families many times turn the children against the parent that went NC. I have seen and heard about this happening even later as they enter adulthood. I am glad your younger child is away from the abuser and feel bad for the oldest girl. I would tell her the truth if she is old enough to handle it, about the abuser and what happened to you. Even if this fails, it may work in the long run too especially if she picks up on things. One way these narcs will operate is turn children against the parents. I never had children but I could have seen me open to such things if I had ever had them especially if the narc or abusers can hold out presents and money to "buy" the young people.
    It looks like your abuser crossed many boundaries. I find it creepy how my NM is friends with exwives that are not blood related. . Actual FRIENDS. Suppose yours leaves no stone unturned either.

    The ones with money they will kiss up to. That is nothing new to me either regarding your baby sister. It sounds like your mother does resent you and getting pregnant young which is not your fault whatsoever. I am not sure why mine resents me as I was second born in an otherwise intact marriage and she had a child after me. If she put you aside to date and neglected you as a child that is wrong. Thank goodness you had those kind grandparents as allies. I had one kind aunt but she died young and the scapegoat was my friend at the start but turned against me. I know it is hard to fathom why so many mothers end up like this. One thing with your birth being young, that may not have changed things, if she was a narcissist, she may have still chosen you to reject even if you had come later or did not come unplanned. Take care and thanks for sharing with me.

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  16. I am so glad and thanks for your blog. Being the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family is very painful and then being shun and ostracized is just incredibly painful it happened to me too.
    My intrusive thoughts are a torment every day. I wish you the best and I am glad you are sorting it out it is NOT you is THEM who are worthless.
    I know I feel worthless but have no reason for it. The reason is that I was the scapegoat hence groomed to feel that way.

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  17. Yes this is all very painful, I think some of the worse pain someone can face. I understand the intrustive thoughts, I have to work myself on avoiding them. I hope for the best for you too. They groomed us to feel this way, but now that we know that, healing can come.

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  18. Thank you to each person for verbalizing your experience, I relate some with nearly each story. I have been searching within, praying, I have gone through therapies—they all say “nothing’s wrong with you.”, yet, why am I feeling ostracized? This evil has not been healed yet in my consciousness. I understand the psychological mechanisms that drive this unreasonable defect of rejection, but I do not know how to heal it, how to stop suffering from it, and what gem it holds for my own soul growth—once I know that, I feel certain I will not experience the feeling of rejection anymore.

    At times, a hope is renewed. Recently, after 15+ years of receiving one of my sisters at my house more than once every year, watching her chummy up with either my mother, my other sister, or even my husband, I entertain hopes. I wait. And wait. And wait. Like Horton the Elephant. Always being nice. Anyway. Rendering good for evil. I show her the beauty of where I live, something she would not have discovered by herself. Then, I do likewise with our other sister. Nothing seems to change towards me, though, the closeness isn’t there. I still do not feel loved.

    Yet, they all acknowledge I’m loving, warm, hospitable, generous, intelligent, strong, kind, giving…but I continue feeling ostracized, rejected, excluded.

    I make friends easily too…but, like many of you have mentioned, it is painful to feel excluded from your blood family and not take it personally! I will continue to hope and pray, to grow and be patient. In the meanwhile, one of my sister had a son; he was born on the same birth date as I am. As she raises him to adulthood, she discovers things about me too, for we have a similar temperament, her son and I, my nephew and I. Patience, a revered author I know says, will have her perfect work. I keep on trusting there’s a reason for this, perhaps is it at a soul level I cannot see…for more than me…

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  19. Thank you to each person for verbalizing your experience, I relate some with nearly each story. I have been searching within, praying, I have gone through therapies—they all say “nothing’s wrong with you.”, yet, why am I feeling ostracized? This evil has not been healed yet in my consciousness. I understand the psychological mechanisms that drive this unreasonable defect of rejection, but I do not know how to heal it, how to stop suffering from it, and what gem it holds for my own soul growth—once I know that, I feel certain I will not experience the feeling of rejection anymore.

    At times, a hope is renewed. Recently, after 15+ years of receiving one of my sisters at my house more than once every year, watching her chummy up with either my mother, my other sister, or even my husband, I entertain hopes. I wait. And wait. And wait. Like Horton the Elephant. Always being nice. Anyway. Rendering good for evil. I show her the beauty of where I live, something she would not have discovered by herself. Then, I do likewise with our other sister. Nothing seems to change towards me, though, the closeness isn’t there. I still do not feel loved.

    Yet, they all acknowledge I’m loving, warm, hospitable, generous, intelligent, strong, kind, giving…but I continue feeling ostracized, rejected, excluded.

    I make friends easily too…but, like many of you have mentioned, it is painful to feel excluded from your blood family and not take it personally! I will continue to hope and pray, to grow and be patient. In the meanwhile, one of my sister had a son; he was born on the same birth date as I am. As she raises him to adulthood, she discovers things about me too, for we have a similar temperament, her son and I, my nephew and I. Patience, a revered author I know says, will have her perfect work. I keep on trusting there’s a reason for this, perhaps is it at a soul level I cannot see…for more than me…

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  20. i need help please.... iv gradually lost everyone except my baby daughter(20yrs old), to my sister... i knew cutting her from my life would cause some to give up on me (simply for there own peace and survival).... but to make sure my mom is cared for properly im torn...

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    1. Is your mother the one supposedly taking care of your mother? How far is your mother. If you know of any abuse or neglect, I would call the local Adult Protective Services, they can send someone to check. If you want to help set up care, there are local Agencies on Aging. Who holds the medical power of attorney? I know narc siblings will play massive games with ill parents. Did your mother walk away from you when you cut your sister from your life? I am glad you have your daughter.

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    2. oops correction is your sister the one supposedly taking care of your mother?

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  21. Wow, I am completely amaised to find til blog. I had no idea so many people were going throug the excact same thing as me. It helps to know that for some reason. So it is not me it is them. This is just so painful.

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    1. I feel for anyone who has gone through this too. It is an incredible loss. Everyone in this world deserves a kind and loving family where they feel apart of things. I have been dealing with my lipedema diagnosis and thinking of how much of the rejection they gave me for "severe obesity" was never right. I hope things will turn out for you and will pray for you.

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  22. It is incredible how so many stories sound identical to mine. It means so much to know you are not alone.

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    1. It helped me a lot finding other blogs where people shared their stories of narcisstic or sociopathic families. I am glad I was able to help you too, and I know finding the ACON world online helped me feel a lot less alone too. My prayers for you tol.

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    2. Thanks for sharing

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    3. Hello, it is good when some other people seem to have similar experiences. How can you live, when you lose all, and opportunities for better life, happiness, for people who did not deserve anything, as it is obvious and you are unhappy, in a life that was being manipulated by malicious people?

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  23. I can relate my mother is a neurotic passive aggressive personality disorder as is my sister and my father and brother are narcisstic controllers. They crushed me between them. I was told I wasn't a planned pregnancy, my mother was disappointed to tell my father that she'd had another girl, ashamed at the 10 month age gap between my sister and I. This lesson didn't stop her from aborting the next child. She was emotionally manipulative, my father physically abusive both of them mentally abusive. When I started to speak up for myself they turned the whole family against me except for my cousin who has suffered the same from her mother. I miss my niece and nephew most, I brought them up from babies, my sister used the same technique as my mother threatened to kill herself. I would look after the children while she drank and smoked in the garden. Once they got older and I confronted her over her behaviour and my concern for the children she stopped me seeing them. Broke my heart. I have been out of the loop just over two years. Insanely I still love them, they send me a birthday card, no message inside completely blank. Drives me nuts. I need a clean break. They still manage to slither into my life.

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  24. I can relate my mother is a neurotic passive aggressive personality disorder as is my sister and my father and brother are narcisstic controllers. They crushed me between them. I was told I wasn't a planned pregnancy, my mother was disappointed to tell my father that she'd had another girl, ashamed at the 10 month age gap between my sister and I. This lesson didn't stop her from aborting the next child. She was emotionally manipulative, my father physically abusive both of them mentally abusive. When I started to speak up for myself they turned the whole family against me except for my cousin who has suffered the same from her mother. I miss my niece and nephew most, I brought them up from babies, my sister used the same technique as my mother threatened to kill herself. I would look after the children while she drank and smoked in the garden. Once they got older and I confronted her over her behaviour and my concern for the children she stopped me seeing them. Broke my heart. I have been out of the loop just over two years. Insanely I still love them, they send me a birthday card, no message inside completely blank. Drives me nuts. I need a clean break. They still manage to slither into my life.

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    1. That is horrible what you have deal with anon. That is horrible what your mother did aborting one of your siblings and it sounds like they were all very abusive, and sorry you too had the family turned against you. Do you think the niece and nephew would talk to you once they hit 18? I know I have to be careful with my own nieces and nephews not to be disappointed. I am sending emails to one, but I am not a real part of their life. A blank birthday card is pyscho, that sums up what they are there. I hope you can get a clean break.

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  25. This is describing my entire life. My parents are gone now, my mother being the catalyst of cruelty, but it continues through my siblings. The pain is unbearable as I watch families in church. I went to my niece's wedding last weekend to be purposely left out of the "family" photos - oh we forgot to tell you. There's only four of us? I ended up marrying people like that, just to be beaten down continuously throughout life. Raised my children alone, no grandparents or aunts/uncles who cared. A life of intense pain and nowhere to go. Without a family you are lost.

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  26. I had that thought too Anon, that even when my mother is gone, there is still my Narcissistic/Sociopathic sister, sitting there waiting to abuse and destroy. Yes church is very hard. I am in a new church now and watching all the close families and thinking, "Why not me?" My family hates my religion even. Yes mine played tricks to leave me out of photos and even once almost left fiancé now husband out til I threw a fit, why did I have to fight for every little crumb. I hope your children are good to you, and sorry you had no other family members. You are right without a family it is very very hard. I will pray for both you and last anon. The narcs set up our rejection and so many following willingly never questions. I guess we can see how the politicians got so rotten with all these blind followers.

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  27. An excellent article on scapegoating. I think it is very common for people who have been bullied and scapegoated to try to win the approval of the bullies. There is this self-doubt because they spew so much hatred at us and when we see the bully being more civil towards others it is easy to think, "what's wrong with me". But if you look closely, you'll see the other people are afraid of the bullying scapegoaters. They tip-toe around and are grateful that the bully isn't targeting them.

    I was scapegoated in my family too. In my case, my father announced that I was the favourite though and then proceeded to scapegoat me. Being called the favourite turned my siblings against me even though I was being treated cruelly. My father was a brute. He was so violent and disrespectful to me and I believe he tried to kill me. I truly believe he wanted me dead to collect life insurance. I had these accidents around him where I almost died. And instead of him showing concern when I survived, he was visibly upset that I wasn't dead! By the grace of God I got away from him. But it took a longer time to heal because scapegoats do end up getting scapegoated in other settings because we take things too personally (it must be my fault) and we give bullies our undivided attention as we try to win their favour. Not anymore thanks.

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    1. Thanks Anon. I know many of the scapegoated struggle with self doubt. Yes one's whole mind set becomes what's wrong with me and you feel even lower as you see entire groups of people turne against you. I had the people in the family who would secretly side with me but always tip-toed around and never defended me to my mother or father. They worried about being the target. It sounds like your father said you were the favorite but just said it as a lie and to abuse you. That is horrible how he treated you and being a kid, you probably were too scared to ell anyone. I am glad you got away from him. I know we don't learn subtle social lessons of survival. I am trying to avoid the bullies now, and avoid being "too sensitive" in many settings, while still holding to boundaries.

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  28. Me too. the pain is some days unbearable. My mother she has taken my whole family my dad sisters brothers even my 23yr old daughter - they ar eall her puppets. I was physically abused by father blamed whole life for it by my mother who even told my child that it was my fault my dad broke my arm age 5! im 48yrs now and in nov 2012 i had memories return of my mother sexually abusing me. she said if i make noise she take whole family. i reportted for care of niece in mother's care. so she took them all even my child who also attacked me i miscarried from her punches. i never abused my girl. i just some days i am just not the same anymore happiness is rare now. i would like to meet others in NZ that are also without family for support and to create a family group for xmas birthdays etc... as no one can understand this pain unless it happens to them. so please contact me anyone in NZ email to mariabinnie@xtra.co.nz i'd love to hear from you.

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  29. I am sorry your mother stole even your daughter, that is very common where they will turn even grown children against people. That is sick she said it was your fault your father broke our arm. I am glad you were brave enough to try and protect your niece. Your daughter punched you and you miscarried? :( I hope you are keeping away from them all. I will pray for you that is very painful. I hope you can find a family group in NZ. I am in the USA but hope maybe you can find some kind people. Be cautious who you do meet, meet in public etc, but I hope you can find other understanding people. I've had to look for "other families". I will pray for you.

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    1. Thank you for your reply i only saw it now. I still try to maintain contact with my chikd but my mither still has so much influence it is hard when whoke family say its me the problem my child is confused. Do you think she will see the truth one day? Or will she become more like them? Should i walk away from my child too? Should she not stand up for me against them? It is so hard. The recovered memories of my mothers abuse to me are imposdible to prove the memories themsrlves msking me soundas if im mad but i do know they are real but how can anyine lije my child for instance but anyone not having experienced recovered memoies understand the reality the truth. I have ssid to my child it is understandable hard to believe so she is the only one in my family that i excuse for affliating still eith my sbuser my mother. Its too late now if only i had remembered the truth before entrusring my chikd to my mothers influence. I fear it may be too late forever that my child will become fully like them. Do you think my child will realise the truth oneday?

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    2. because my grown up daughter has ostricised herself from me also, it effects me even worse because I do not see much of my grand daughter. the pain I feel is very deep at times

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  30. It's heartbreaking reading what you've gone through and continue to suffer at the hands of your so called families, how sick they are. But I think you should feel proud, happy and relieved that you escaped and are nothing like them, because that's the reason you've been scapegoated in the first place, you're normal and they're not! For that reason don't waste another moment of your precious life thinking about them, I know that's easier said than done, but if you do it means they've won and on no account can you let that happen. It is and always will be that they don't deserve you in their life and not the other way around. Stay strong and go for it, you deserve the best now. Love and best wishes xxx

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  31. I cut off contact with my NM! She did the same things turning family against me ect.....I knew by age 5 I was unwanted by her! I moved away when I got legal age and never looked back! She tried to get me fired from jobs in another state by calling them, roommates, church people, other relatives (who have been her minions). When my Dad passed away they told me I was invited to the funeral but it would be delayed 2 weeks so everyone could fly in....5 days went by no word...I called to find out they already had the funeral!!!!! They thought it was funny!!! Yep, I am so done with them...I tell people my parents are gone and I have 1 sibling! Not 5! I travel the world, am well educated, have kids and hubby of my own, live far from them and I love God! My life is orphaned but happy! I came to find out alot of bad things were happening in the family I was so shocked! I would never choose such garbage to hang out with in the first place. They hated my Aunt too NM kept calling asking "Is she Dead Yet" refused to hold her hand when my cousins needed her there! Sick! I must have gotten the good DNA I am totally loving! Garbage is people who love to hurt others for no reason especially! Go to the light and make your life happy it is a gift from God! Be happy it is you he entrusted with this hard trial and not some other poor soul that would loose the battle! Job like trials are a complement from God! Live your life in total joy and love other's in the world who need and give love! There are so many good people out there relations don't make people good for you or kind. Love those who do good to others....never waste a moment God gave you he knew this would happen...trust him! He trusted you with this big trial go for it! God gave you life not her! She is a wasted soul before her maker to try and destroy her own child! Count yourself lucky.....I do! No family drama life is good! You are worth all God's blessings so focus on him...not the adversary! Go light your soul with so much love and touch others along the way! We all love you here! You keep up the good work! God bless you all!

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    1. I need to reply to you because my situation so similar, but have AGAIN become to depressed to even talk about it.

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  32. My Mother died one and a half years ago. I thought it would all stop but instead my eldest sister has taken her role and she is worse than my Mother could have ever been. I cannot believe how cruel she is to me and now that she rules the roust, the rest of siblings and my Father in my opinion have ganged up against me. I recognise nearly all of the situations that other people have written here. I have been in such denial all my life. Been constantly told to keep the piece when I tried to stand up for myself. It took another breakdown last year and finally seeing a therapist that I even heard of the word scapegoat. When I read about it I cried for the first time in years...I did not cry when My Mother died and this also was held against me. Because I held so much pain inside me I also lost my voice. I was so sick last year and not one of them even picked the phone up to see how I was. All they were interested in was if I was able to do my duty in looking after my Father a few days a week. He is the only reason that I am still in touch with them. It costs me €130 a month in petrol and food which I cannot afford but it is expected to take care of him. I dread my duty days as all I get is abuse from him. Just the other week one of my sisters was home from the UK she comes every couple of months to give us a break for a weekend. I still have to go and do my duty, driving him around and bringing him his dinner. While I was driving and she was sitting in the back and him beside me in the passenger seat he started to scream at me to shut up. I got such a fright, she did and said nothing. She initiated another conversation and again he screamed at me to shut up, it happened and again, she was silent watching me being abused like nothing was happening...I felt like I was NOTHING. The manipulations and the lies are unbearable, I know they are talking behind my back by things I see on FB and the behaviour of them in my presence. I have never felt so alone in my life. They have ostracised me out of any family gatherings, my Mother's 1st anniversary gathering in the family home a few months ago was one of them, I was invited to the church but not the house. One of the things I am relieved about reading all of your stories, is that I am not alone in this awful situation, which give me some hope for my future and that I do have something to live for. I am still in denial and I have a lot of work to do to start accepting that I am a worth while human being and maybe one day I might be able to have at least one nights good sleep without the nightmares and the panic attacks or even to just get to sleep as I have gone three to four days even with pills without sleep. I try to do everything to stop my brain from thinking about it 24/7 but it is hard and I am always in a state of anxiety waiting for the next onslaught of abuse.

    Thank You to all of you who make me believe I am not mad...Ant

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  33. My Mother left our family in the night when I was 6 yrs old, my sister 5 and my baby brother was 2. She was in an abusive relationship with my Father and she was committed adultery (which she blames on my Dad). She remarried a man who was emotionally abusive. They divorced soon after she gave birth to a second child fathered by that man. This mother has turned all my family against me. She lies. My siblings are just like her. They all want to say I am the "bad apple." I have heard my mom talk terrible about my bio-sister with her two daughters (from second marriage). She has told me that those two daughters are "perfect." I am done with this dysfunction. They are very hurtful. Many of my siblings do not know me. They have not spent any time with me...yet, they seem to know all about me (???). This year, I started to stand up to verbal attacks from my mother and then from a brother-in-law who is influenced by a sister. When I started telling people that I was not putting up with it any more no one makes contact with me anymore. I am happy about that part...no more abuse in any form from family members. While it is sad that I don't have my family...the truth is that I don't want association with people who behave like this. I interact with families that don't have all the drama. It feels comfortable and safe to me to be with them. I know there will be a reckoning of sorts. I believe all the details of our lives are penned in Heaven. People will have to answer for the pain they have caused others. I try to be the BEST mom I can. I have many friends and extended family members. I am thankful for them and their unconditional love and support. Feels good. :)

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  34. Sick sick these peope are vile behind closed doors abuse their own flesh and blood would they treat their friends like that? If they have real friends! Iam a scape goated male of 44years and have just woken up to that fact! I feel anger and resentfull that my narc mother has used me as her scape goat all most my life and groomed my now deceaded father to see me as the problem there are parts of my child hood thats a blank? I was a shy quiet child my mother said when i was five or up until i was five years old i was biting other kids! My narc mother said that randomly at my golden child brothers birthday party last year! I feel like the out sider in so called family who never visit my property i have lived there nine years and can count on one hand how many visits i have had only on my forty birthday party two years later! But they expect me to visit them! Can any body explain why scape goats do not get visits but rest of family visit each other? God bless and remember they are the ones who are no good and seriously flawed and inhuman monsters wolves in sheeps clothing defective souls.

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    1. Hi Anonymous, I just saw your post and had to respond! I understand exactly what you mean about just waking up to the fact that you were scapegoated. I think I've known since I was a teenager but it was too painful to accept as the truth, so I kept trying to belong. I'm 39 now. I can't believe I've allowed this to make me miserable for so long. I'm getting counseling to help get past it, because I have no support from anyone otherwise. I have been wracking my brain for years trying to figure out why I keep attracting the same awful stuff in my life, and then I realized that what I am attracting is exactly how my family treats me. Since I have come to this realization, I want to learn how to stop attracting the same treatment from the world at large. I think that is the key to my growth and happiness.

      I wish I had an answer for you as to why family does not visit the scapegoat but visits each other. That is exactly why I have started no contact with my family again. I discovered that I was being avoided, excluded, etc. No one comes to my city and thinks, "Yay, I can't wait to see her!" They think, "How can I go to the city and avoid seeing her?" When my sisters lived here my mother was up here all the time. My family celebrates birthdays and no one even bothered to come here for my last birthday. My sister decided she was having a get together and I could go down there if I wanted. Bottom line is I'm not worth a trip up here (1.5 hours) -- that's what her actions said to me. Shortly after, I asked my parents to come and get me in the city so I can go down and spend time with them. I also asked if we could go out for a meal before leaving the city. My mother made every excuse not to come and told me that it was too long of a day for my father to drive up here and go out for a meal even though I would be driving them back. Then he was up here recently with another sister for a baseball game and dinner. Yeah. I should never have wasted two weeks of my life going down there. I'm not wanted. So, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I think the best we can do is build our own communities of people who truly care for us and respect us. I haven't been able to do that because, like I said, I keep attracting bad stuff. Hopefully, I will get to the bottom of it soon.

      I was also a shy, quiet child, but I was labeled as bad. Ridiculous!

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    2. Hi so are siblings ect scared of the narc mother,or only love her because of financial support? Thats how she gets allies she buys them in effect ie gifts,holidays,cars,properties and her least favourite off spring gets crumbs,they are groomed to except crumbs which effects other areas of scape goats lives,very evil and unforgivable to do that to a child life long grooming till adult hood,has any one tried to confront family? God bless and keep your dignity and respect allways its your divine right to be loved for who you are narc mothers are vile inhuman pathetic people and their helpers and condoners not worth energy trying to be close to them

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    3. This is more evil than i realise its starts when you are a mere child then you are groomed by sick parents who are not fit to parent to accept you are defective and are not worthy of love,nurture,attention,ect but programmed to accept abuse! I have woken up to this im in forties its painfull wish i had sooner but a narc mothers or fathers night mare is the scapegoat waking up! Thats why they prevent you from growing up! Sick,who can forgive that? Please tell me who has?and family condone that?

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  35. I didn't realize anyone else went through this. Thank you so much for sharing this. It really helped me cope today. I was replaced by a new family scapegoat who shares even my name. Twisted. Best thing I ever did was walk away from this family.

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    1. I am glad I was able to help. Sorry they went after a new scapegoat. :( I am glad you were able to walk away. I often wonder who they will replace me with as the new scapegoat.

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  36. Are you on Facebook? It would mean a lot to finally connect to someone who understands me.

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    1. I don't share real name here. I am okay with you emailing me though. It is on my profile.

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  37. I am currently being scapegoated by my family. I have been scapegoated before when I was suffering with Depression but this time it is much worse. It started around Xmas when I set some boundaries with my oldest, very controlling sister.Since the new year I have not heard from my sister,only hearing about family functions that I am not invited to. Recently my adult son and daughter have minimal contact with me. I have tried to ask them what is wrong but get no response. At the same time I know that they are in contact with my sister. I have a fifteen month old grandson who I love dearly and I am afraid that my daughter will cut off my contact with him. It hurts so much and I have racked my brain to try to figure out why they are doing this. I feel increasingly depressed and afraid of becoming ill again. If this happens it would just reinforce the scapegoating. I don't know what to do!

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    1. I am sorry you have been scapegoated. It sounds like your sister is doing a smear campaign. I would contact your adult son and daughter on your own and write, please tell me what is wrong and I am afraid a relative lied about me. It sounds like your sister could be doing smear campaigns against you. I wish they would respond. Have you been scapegoated by other relatives such as parents and others. One thing I see happening to Acons with adult children is the narcissistic family system will turn even adult children against the older adult who is scapegoated. I never had children in my case. I hope you can get to the bottom of this. There is nothing wrong with trying to write them or talk to them about things and I hope you can see your grandson.

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    2. You are not alone. My husband's family did the same to me. I live near them and went overboard holding most of the family functions and paying for them as well. When I finally spoke up after 35 years of putting up with it, I was out. The painful thing was watching as they hurt my husband. The real eye opener was that all of my nieces and nephews trailed behind like the pied piper. It was crushing. Three phases of ostracizing - 1. Initial Realization that you are being ostracized 2. Coping - constantly trying or overcompensating just trying to fit in 3. Realization and moving on. This is a very dangerous practice in families. The realization for you when this happens is that you really don't want to try that hard for anyone to accept you. Love yourself and respect yourself more than that.

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  38. I understand and am sorry you were treated this way for so long. I have had similar experiences throughout my life.

    No one else as mentioned this here, that I've seen, so I wondered if anyone has problems acting out because of the scapegoating, giving their abusers fuel for their abuse. I would take the abuse, try to stand up for myself and make boundaries for as long as I could. Periodically I would just give up, blow up and lash out. Then they really could point to me and say I'm the crazy one. I don't think this will happen again because I have decided to just let them go. They don't hear me whether I'm rational or not.

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    1. Sorry you faced those things to anon. It is hard to deal with. I went through those cycles too. Calm peaceful discussions went no where. Writing letters went no where. Standing up for myself with regular voice tones went no where. Yelling and lashing out too went no where and they just would use it against me even though they screamed and cussed and fumed night and day and no one ever called them on it. I think you made the best choice.

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    2. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and I'm glad you were able to reconnect with some of your family. And I appreciate the reply. As you know it helps to know I'm not the only one.

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    3. To Five Hundred Pound Peep: I have experienced the exact same thing as you said, "Standing up for myself with regular voice tones went no where. Yelling and lashing out too went no where and they just would use it against me . . . " Standing up for myself is always judged negatively as is having life problems. I have taken care of three family members after surgeries. I have done so much, and I still get treated the same. It is so sad that so many of us experience the same thing.

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    4. To anonymous, yes, absolutely, this is exactly what happens to me. When I have an emotional outburst it's because I just can't take anymore, and it just provides further ammunition against me.

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    5. Sarah sorry you have even done caretaking and they treat you miserably. The scary thing with mine is they have no emotions, nothing touches them. I am sorry you get treated the same. They use everything against us.

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    6. This JUST HAPPENED TO ME....maybe 30 minutes ago. I try to stand up for myself, my feelings....my actions....and I am crazy. "Oh, you have some issues. You are so critical of people. You need to stop." Is what my mother said....

      And then you lose it....and they are so thrilled.

      It's sick.

      They are never wrong. You are never right. And if you are....they will find a way that you are evil.

      Delete
  39. Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you said here, and your mother sounds like mine. My mother has everyone under her control, and I somehow always get blamed for problems. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I also spent a great deal of my life ill. When I was 19, I was very sick, and family left me there alone. I could barely get out of bed and go to the bathroom without collapsing. I have tried everything and just this week have been considering no contact again. I have endured, tried, hoped, spoke out, tried no contact, returned again, and repeated. I just don't understand the unfair treatment. It is insane. I have just written a blog posting of my own. I hope people will make supportive comments. My posting is here: http://ohmygooseness.com/2014/08/09/dysfunctional-family-roles-the-scapegoat/

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    1. Hi Thanks for your blog, I read it and relate to so much. I left the Catholic church and am a born again Christian. I am also a INFP in my case but would test 100% percentile for being analytical, if I was stronger on the T I probably could have been a scientist. I am sorry you have spent so much of your life ill too. I hope you can go no contact, I know it is not an easy decision. I have had to turn to other ACONs myself and God of course to make it through and I have started jmy second year even. If they leave you alone when sick that is a sign you have to get away from them. Because if you are incapacitated they can take serious advantage or grab your guardianship. I will post on your blog too. Thanks so much.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for reading my posting! I know it's a long one. And it doesn't even scratch the surface. I find that when I realize the truth about the situation, I am hopeful and strong for a minute, but then I start to think that maybe it is me. Right now I'm going back and forth between thinking I'm right and thinking I'm wrong, but mostly thinking I'm right.

      What is ACON?

      When I was really sick in my teens and early 20 years, I was ignored and treated like I was making it up. Once I woke up having a hard time breathing. I called my parents in the middle of the night and my mother insisted that my boyfriend drive me to the hospital in their town instead of them meeting me in ours. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. I should have been rushed to the hospital where I was right away. Riding in a car for 45 minutes barely able to breath was a nightmare.

      I'm sure being able to identify with a community (Christian) is helpful to you. I have been trying so hard to fit in with my family and get their love and approval over the past five years that I am not making a community for myself where I live. This has to change. I've been getting counseling, so I'm on my way!

      Two years is great, and your analytical skills are an asset! Best of luck on your journey.

      Delete
    3. Be careful they do a number on our minds, telling us we are wrong and bad. I still wake up at this late age, thinking what in the hell did I do? I didn't do or choose any of this. I have been facing the facts of how severely ill I was and how the family worsened my illness and neglected me in the time of need. I almost lost my life in 1998 and 2001. There were almost direct repercussions of their abandonment and neglect. I can never trust them again. I went NC too based on the fact I was very sick with kidney disease last year and no one would visit or cared. So I was done. I am sorry you were sick too young. I hope you are better now. There is no way you should have been forced to endanger your life waiting to go to hospital. Mine would do things like that to me. Force visits when it was too cold for my lungs. I'd be wheezing and throwing up in her bathroom, and then I finally put foot down, I didn't want to die and I stayed housebound when it was too hard to breathe. The worse thing she ever did to me was telling people, I was a malingerer and making excuses as to why I couldn't travel in hot and cold weather. She had no empathy for severe COPD. She didn't even care that her GC almost has died of asthma but perhaps in my case, she hoped I'd kick off sooner then later. I was treated like I was making it up for years and now I am stage IV lipedema and could have had a far different life then if it had been caught in my teens.

      I am still alive because of God, and I have had very good churches, one kept me going in my old rural town. When I had to move away from them it was extremely painful. I have had to find communities and families where I live but one danger of those is they can be broken up so easily via forced American economic nomadism and of course people die and have other things happen too. I think you should seek out new communities and not even bother with the family. I have given up. I plan to go NC with an aunt very soon. I never got the pictures. I am planning the final confrontation on the phone.

      The sad thing is talking to people with no emotions, no empathy and no care is a waste of time. Don't waste time on your family. I have good friends that keep me going. Many are long distance but a few are not. Your life will be much better. You may have to process the grief and more of how your family treated you but no more indignity. How is your health now? ACON is Adult Child of Narcissist.

      Delete
    4. Hi Peep ;)
      Thank you for the lengthy response. Yes, I figured out the ACON acronym shortly after I posted! Mine is BPD.
      I actually had a friend recently who was an ACON and she could not understand the state of my life during our brief friendship (it was definitely one of the lowest points in my life) -- she ended up taking everything personally. I just could not be what she wanted me to be at the time. In addition, she displayed traces of narcissism herself. For instance, I had a job interview and she called me that evening to find out how it went. The thing is I didn't get to finish responding before she started talking about herself. She used to call me, talk really fast about herself, and abruptly end the call before I had a chance to say more than a line or two. She had problems listening to me at all. I keep attracting this stuff. When I didn't have anything to say about her relationship problems (because that is not my area of expertise!) she would rub in how other friends listened to her and made her feel better. It was nuts. I really didn't feel good in the friendship because of the way she acted and maybe that's why I just let go. Hanging out with her never made me feel very good. I always left feeling bad about myself because of the looks I would get, the eye rolling, being talked over, etc.
      I am sorry to hear about your health problems. Have you ever been to a naturopathic doctor? They work wonders! My health improved greatly when I went to a naturopath in 2011. She discovered the missing piece to my health issues -- neurotransmitter imbalances. I also have chronic adrenal fatigue. I'm really good right now, but the stuff with my family does aggravate the adrenal fatigue. I also know that growing up emotionally abused by your mother can cause the exact imbalances that I have. That is why I became so ill so young. The more I've improved myself mentally, emotionally, and academically, the better my health has become. I have to be very careful with the adrenal fatigue because I easily slip right back into the barely able to function mode. This usually happens when I get stuck in extremely stressful, depressing situations, like my last job. And my family situation!!
      Thank you for your words of support. I am so glad you have good friends and a good community. I do not. I keep meeting people who take from me, ignore me, treat me like I'm unimportant, etc., just like my family treats me. I am starting to learn that I need to stop being so nice and accommodating, because it is a recipe for getting used and abused. I thought being nice was a good thing! Guess not! The one great thing in my life is that I have a lot of professional friends who like me and believe in me.
      I understand exactly what you mean when you say you were called a "malingerer." My illness and life problems are used to further scapegoat me -- I am viewed as troubled, weak, and sick, which makes me appear like the source of all problems. Instead of getting support like other family members, I get kicked when I am down.

      Delete
    5. Sarah, I am sure BPD is not easy to deal with either ugh, The ACON friend could have what they call "fleas" or be a narc herself. If someone makes you feel bad, it is better to run far away. It does seem like she judged you and lacked empathy. Better to be away from all that.

      I did try naturopathic doctors, didn't get anywhere. Often lacked the funds, They didn't diagnose me properly either. LOL I study some herbs and stuff on my own. I have read on adrenal fatigue, and I do have diagnosed adrenal issues with the rest.
      I believe childabuse, ptsd and trauma definitely upsets the endocrine system. I am living proof of that. I hope things get better for you and you can have a good and healthy life, we have a lot of areas to work on. Yes be careful of abusive or stressing situations, like in the work world. I have friends but I have a life of a few close friends, I know what you mean about feeling like you are invisible and unimportant, lets just say narcissism is rampant in our society.


      Yes being nice and accommodating surrounded by narcs can make one a victim. Don't stop being nice but try and use it discerningly on those who will appreciate it. I am glad you have professional friends who like you. I have friends who like me too.

      You need to see what I am going to write today about disability and how the narcs treated me for it. I was not allowed to be sick and all health problems were ignored. I am going to write more intense article about this. I know you are not the source of all the problems, this is how they make scapegoats appear and how they destroy our relationships and more so thoroughly. Mine always kicked me when I was down. I am done being kicked.

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    6. Sarah,
      even after years of NC I am still tormented by the foybts snd the back snd forth maybe they are right and it is all in my imagination that all that happened and happened the way they say. But with everything I've read and know it is not me. But the twisted thoughts torment me anyway. It's what brought me here.

      Delete
  40. It's Sarah again. For some reason the comment box will not recognize my profile for this comment.

    Five hundred pound peep: The first step is acknowledging the problem, isn't it? Once we wrap our head around the truth, we can begin to heal. I commend you for sharing your story and for being able to move forward in your life.

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  41. Thanks so much Sarah. Sorry comment box had some quirks. I think we have to admit to ourselves what is really happening and it is not an easy process but one where healing lies. I just couldn't lie to myself anymore. I am glad it has helped you to share my story.

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  42. Laura, I had to take my name out of your comment, I keep the blog anonymous but forgot to tell you Thanks. :)


    *********, I'm sorry to know what your NM did to you. I know exactly what you are talking about. I grew up in a family that didn't like me, they barely tolerated me, both in the immediate as well as extended family. I was cast from conception as NM's scapegoat, but I didn't understand what was happening and how the feeling was spread to everyone with her lies and manipulation. My greatest blessing has come through my husband and the family we created together. Our family is far from perfect, but I have my own family that I'm part of and that means the world to me. More than anything, I wish everyone could experience that. *********, your challenges have been so great, with your health and with being ostracized by your family. You have a husband who loves and supports you and you would be wonderful parents, if you'd had the opportunity. Thank heaven you saw the light and got away from the rejection and abuse of your FOO. It is so senseless and heartbreaking, what is done by family on When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family

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  43. I am sorry Laura you were treated that way too. My family doesn't like me and barely tolerated me when I was around. My NM poisoned their minds against me and no one was like me in personality which is more evidence of adoption. Mine spread the feeling to everyone too and no matter what I said, it didn't matter. She had the money to give them presents and visit more. I was nobody and cast aside long ago. I was thinking about the memories I had the other day, even the two what I thought were "nicer" aunts would avoid talking to me, when the whole family was gathered together. I am glad you have your own family you are part of. I think I and husband would have been better off if we had been okay financially and had been able to have children, his own family died off so young too, with both parents dying in their 60s. I am glad I got away too. I think the whole mess is senseless and heatbreaking. She cost me so much.

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    1. I didn't understand the mistreatment by the extended family growing up, at all. To this day, my one and only girl cousin is closer to the other side, her dad's side. She and I are only a year apart and we could have been such good friends, but the wedge was in place from a very young age. Still, I have some fond memories of hanging out with her when we were young. We lived 3 houses apart for 5 years and as we grew, the distance became noticeable to me. Something else that would happen...she and I would go to sleep over at our maternal grandma's together. She would sleep in grandma's bed and I slept downstairs, in the basement. I only have one granddaughter, but would never do such a thing to her. I don't know if my cousin noticed the inequality. I just kind of accepted it. I was used to getting crumbs. It wasn't until years later that I realized what a load of crap that was.

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  44. Today I am having a bad day. I have tried to do all the things that keeps me away from them but they creep into my mind. It was my Mothers 1st anniversary last March. I was invited to the Mass and the graveyard even thorough I did not need an invite to do so. But they like to organise everything, I have learned it's a control thing with them. I only learned that there was a gathering in my Fathers House that evening. I was not only not invited but it was also kept a secret and the grand children were invited. I thought it would all stop when she passed but instead they all came at me all at once. At least when my Mother was alive she was at least a buffer from the rest as she liked to control me alone. It's been a free for all since and they have completely taken over my Dad. I have to look after my Dad a couple or three times a week depending on the week. I dread going there as I don't know what to expect. It is always without exception some put down from him. He is led and said by the two older Sisters. They control everything he does, says and thinks. He thinks it's a big joke to make me cry. He always has something bad to say to my husband as well and tries to put him down every time he gets and always in company. My Husband has taken his abuse because I have asked him not to say anything. It was my 25th wedding anniversary last June and I was not expecting a lot but what I got disgusted me and fill me saddens. I got €20 in a normal anniversary card...at least if my Mother was alive even she would not have done this to me. One of my sisters controls his money...I know for a fact that my other three sisters when it was their 25th got a few hundred, I would had preferred nothing at all but the €20 was a complete insult. I am in therapy as I had a breakdown from all the things they did to me after my Mother passed, too numerous to mention her but such awful things even taking and discarding the plants I put on my Mother's grave...I was told the wind blew them away twice. I have searched my soul and I am always the first to forgive but this time I just can't find it in me no matter how hard I try to forgive them. I am a spiritual person and when my Mam was sick in hospital she said she had a visitor and he was my friend. He was with her for about six weeks until she passed but no matter who tried to change her mind she insisted he was my friend. There is a very long story to this and other awful things happened but one of my sisters said I brought the Grimm Reaper to my Mother. How can I help who my Mother saw in her delusions??? I can see no way out as I will never gain any respect in my family...I am so sad...Ant

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    1. I hope your day gets better anon, I too have to work on them not creeping into my mind. I am kind of going down compartmentalization highway to control the creeping thoughts. I know it is hard. This blog helps me process things and I talk to friends but I know I am going to have to take some days to focus on other things after I write today just for my own sanity, some quiet time.

      Make sure you take care of yourself likewise. I will pray for you. I know what the disinvites feel like. Those things were done to me too. there are probably other narcs your mother passed the baton to in your family. Their passing away probably won't change the dynamics, a new narc ascends instead.
      You should not take care of someone who makes you cry and abuses you. That is a job you probably should give up if at all possible. Let them do the caretaking or call Agency on Aging and say your father needs care, and let the state take over.

      I think you should let your husband speak up for you and defend you too. It may shut him up and end the insults.

      Why are you the caretaker if other sister controls the money, let her finance the caretaking. Don't let them use guilt to have you take abuse.

      As for forgiveness and the wicked read this article:
      http://www.luke173ministries.org/466805

      I know I will never gain any respect in my family which is one main reason I am NC with almost 20 people.

      I hope and pray things go better for you.

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  45. Yes, yes, yes. No contact with my bio family for two years. Such freedom from abusive control is to be celebrated with joy. First year was hard, but afterward, I began to know myself in ways I never could have while the family controlled most everything for 42 years. It was my eldest sister who spent her life in a smear campaign against me. She told my sisters that I was a liar, an idiot and mentally ill.

    I could never understand their preconceived notions, I've never done drugs, alcohol or even missed an appointment:) I put myself through school, stayed married, bought a home, and did all those things without help from anyone but my husband. Her smear campaign is ongoing, she took any relationship I could have with my siblings away.

    Now she's quite ill and her quality of life is very poor. Seems to me its justification for a lifetime of hatred towards a sister who discovered what she has done. I forgive myself for caring about a family who only ever abused me. I thought it was normal.

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    1. I am glad you are free too. I have faced the horrors of realizing how deep the hatred goes and the smear campaigns go. You will see what I write today. I am glad you have gotten to know yourself more. We get more clarity when away from the fog and muck. I am sorry you had sisters get in the narc behavior too. They will judge and trash any scapegoat. I never did drugs, or drank or anything either but I am of the opinion they will trash a scapegoat no matter how well they do. Mine destroyed endless relationships and is working on the one I have brother. I am glad you have forgiven yourself it is a matter of learning different.

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    2. The creeping thoughts. The flashbacks. too much, too often going on for too long.

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  46. What a liberating read. I have experienced very similar energy in my family. I have always been quite the loner, and although the dynamics were set in place as the primary scapegoat at an early age, I found solace in discovering my life on my own terms. I guess deep down these roles played an intricate part of my well being, but I moved far away from this energy early in my life.

    Up until recently, when I found myself begining a family and had a desire to return to the family with the hopes of having a little house on the prairie life with everyone. As soon as I arrived, I was met with hostility, control, dominance. Being independent most of my life, I quickly rejected this energy, and stood up for myself, my wife, and my family. Standing my ground only intensified the negative energy, and ostracization soon followed, where no one was speaking to us. There was a period of push and pull, where on occassion they would display a small amount of interest, but that was soon followed by apathy, denial, and aggression. When I became frustrated, my frustration was used against me, and after a few year struggle to speak openly and honestly about the underlying issues, I simply had to disengage.

    I heart goes out to all of those on this blog and in the world that become entrapped in this energy their entire lives. The unfair treatment of a child to play a less worthy role in the relationship dynamics is devestating and destructive. Luckily for me, I wasn't engulfed in the games my entire life, although the pain and suffering I have experienced in a short amount of time being middle age is enough to last a lifetime. People try and judge you for walking away from your family, saying that it is your family, but there is no shame and in my opinion, no other option.

    No one should have to seek approval and love from a family member. We are not atm machines where those with low self esteem and narc personalities can withdrawal at their convenience. Stand up for yourself, set the boundaries, and if they are ignored, hopefully you can find solace in knowing you tried. My heart goes out to you all. This is a deep rooted abusive technique on so many levels, from individual to global. And it is our right to reject such treatment and fight for a healthy benevolent source of love.

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    1. Such healthy words. Thank you. Even though I have moved on I still find myself tortured by the thoughts that maybe I an wrong and there is still something else I need to do. OMG. I know I have to let that go.

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    2. I am tortured by those thoughts too. I tried everything and it all failed. None of them would listen to me. She managed to take away my whole family. I had to give up. But there is a void there. You ask yourself other people have families why not me?

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  47. I like that there are many comments here from people who grew up in outwardly "normal" families, as I, for so many years, believed mine to be. Like others here my own story has gone through many stages and my recognition of reality has been all too gradual. I think what has been most lastingly damaging to me has been the extent to which lies and pretense have been represented as truth and reality while truth and reality have been denied. I still struggle to know my actual failings from those imputed to me. I still have difficulty crediting myself for positive attributes and achievements. I am unreasonably angry at times and pathologically compliant at other times. Someone recently told me that I seem to be a very centered person, though, so I must be making progress.

    I am, however, utterly alone. My husband died this year and my two daughters are completely in thrall to my mother (The Queen). My mother is shunning me. My siblings are indifferent and my contact with them is almost zero. As I was growing up, we moved frequently and were overseas for several years -- so I have no roots, no hometown and no relationship to speak of with cousins. I have never officially gone "No Contact" because it wasn't necessary. Nobody contacts me, except my sisters will occasionally e-mail me seeking information. When I answer, there is no return e-mail or further interest in relationship. I will not be answering e-mails in the future. :)

    My heart goes out to all who have commented here. I am so sorry for your pain and confusion and loneliness. I am just thankful that I have found my way back to my Christian faith and I am never truly alone, never truly without help and care.

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    1. I can so relate to what you shared here. That distorted perception of reality. Trying to get a handle on what is real and what my actual faiings are and those that have been imputed to me.
      Same with me. No Cantact has been officially made because nobody contacts me either. Only contact that was ever made by FOO was initiated by me. The results were usually some kind of rejection, shunning, verbal abuse and long list of my faults. I just quit reaching out.

      The thing that kills me, though is how concerned they act about "how is your mother" to my kids. As if I am the one who rejected them. That has really confuse my kids but they do not want to know the truth either.

      Is this all in my imagination??? It is a gaslighting kind of thing. Rejecting me and pretending that I am the one rejecting them. They do not even outright reject me, either. Except once, the last time i talked to my mother she actually told me a resounding, NO, she did not want to reconnect with me. Then goes and writies her memoirs crying loudly how heartbroen she was and how selfish and messed up I am and how I have alienated myself from the family. The adacity of that staement from a father who literally ignored over 20 years of my sending him cards, letters gifts. He completely stopped talking to me when I was in my 20s. Maybe a few words here and there. Mostly sarcasm.

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    2. I struggle with all of the above too. I have wondered how do so many people hate and reject me? And it troubles me. I have thought "Am I really that bad of a person?" So yes you wonder what your failings are and how horrible they must be. Also in my family is the baggage of me being disabled and poor and a "throw-away" due to those things. Yes my No Contact too is the same. No one ever would contact me. I would invite cousins and others on visits and BE IGNORED. This would include my sister and her kids. Even when I did contact too, yes I would treated like I was annoyance where they would tell me they are "busy" over and over, which in essence is just one way to be told to go away. I live long distance and would call only very intermittently but would hear that whole spiel with all of them. Yes you do quit reaching out because if all your ever find is disappointment and being told to go away, what other choice is there? I am sorry they bring your kids into it. It troubles me how these narcissists can destroy our reputation to such a huge number of people. They do manage it. Even on a support board, a narc was there and made sure I lost several online friends in one day. What was my sin? Disagreeing with them about poverty issues in America.

      Yes they will tell you, that you were the one who rejected them when really it was the other way around. They have rejected you and been covert. I am sure some of mine are pulling on heart strings saying how horrible I am for leaving when they ignored me for years and ignored all my appeals to get together. I told some well they drove by my apt within a mile, invited to see me, and ignored me over and over. Yes so this is a horrible game they play.

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  48. Thank you for sharing your stories. I have tormented myself for years, taking on the blame, guilt and shame of being rejected by my entire family including
    ding all of my children,
    who have come under the influence of my
    narcisstic mot
    her who I can now say is evil.
    How I have tormented myself with doubts.
    My own son has cruelly and accusingly asked
    me the question that torments me constsntly.Have you ever asked yourself why your whole family doesnt talk to you and all of
    your kidsleft home
    The implication being entire families do not ostracize and find fault for someone innocent, without a reason. 500 lb you nailed it right on. It so helps to gear someone else speak my story. And to validate what I know in my head but still have not believed in my core. The core who believed that it was my fault.

    The power of the narcisstic queen. Exactly how you o ut it. It watched it all happen but did not want to believe it. Since it was my fault then surely it had to be me that had to fix it, right?
    Wrong. There is no fixing it. Only accepting it.

    But it really angers me that it got to my kids. But I remember now even when they were little she was slandering me to my children.
    She wouldn't have much to do with us or them till they left home then was all over them. Now my kids are confused but already poisoned.

    The destructive

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    1. I am sorry your children have rejected you too. One thing I hear over and over and have read about is how the narcissists manage to steal or influence children and grown adult children against their own parents [non-narcs in that case] I do not know how this is pulled off. Often they use money to literally buy them. They seem to suck in all the attention of the next generation.

      One bad thing that can happen is people look at someone who has been scapegoated and ostracized and say to them, there must be a reason you have been rejected. It has to be YOU. You know how your son asked you that question, my brother said the same exact thing to me before. And I'll tell you something too, probably he got it straight from the horse's mouth-the narcissist. Once they got the family turning their back on you, they will reinforce things and use it to abuse the scapegoat saying things like "No one likes you, Can't you see no one can stand you!" That happened to me. I know one part of my recovery is I am going to have to trained myself not to care if I am rejected or even hated. This one is tough. Yes it is. The queens hold so much power over the family systems it boggles my mind. I would suggest to any newbies who come here who may have young children or babies, go NC, to keep them away from the narcs who may steal them as youngsters or adults or help influence them to become narcs. They spent years on the slander and it never lets up. They bond with others over slandering someone else. Some wait til the kids leave home and then send the young adults money or offer other bennies to bring them to their side. If one faces worldly failures, divorce, or loses a job or gets sick, they out it all to their use. I will pray for you. Could you write letter to your kids? Hey I know I have been there trying to tell the family what happened and not being believed.

      They all operate the same. I remember being 10 years old and being told by my mother, that the family does not like me.

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  49. What kind of letter are you thinking?
    I wrote a letter over a year ago that only one out of five even acknowleged recieving. It was a besutiful letter of love inviting them to consider how they want our family to be. I need to find the place of truth inside myself whether snyone elsr believes it or not.

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    1. A letter telling them what was done to you, how smear campaigns operate and about narcissism. Wouldn't hurt to try. I am sorry only one even acknowledged your letter. I know these narcs silence us so effectively. They literally brainwash those around them to reject everything you say and do. Just do your best and know their decision you can't control. I have heard of too many going through this pain of having their own kids turned against them.

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    2. So nice to hear someone say that kids turning against you is also one of the ways the trauma continues. Gee, I thought by me going NC with them about 10 years ago it was over but it continues with the kids. That has really angered me. Just makes me sick.
      Oh my...letter writing. I have learned that until they are ready to hear what I say, the method does not matter.

      But in the last couple of years I am getting braver and have decided it is time to talk no matter what anybody thinks. Hey they think what they want do matter what I do anyway. AS you know talking is so verbotten. So, more and more I am talking. In fact I sent one of the very good online articles about scapegoating in dysfunctional families to one of my kids and asked him to let me know that he got it. Nothing. Finally a month or so later I asked him if he got it. Then he mentioned that he had been talking with one of my brothers who shared a bit about his childhood, and someone else said something also and he told me what they said was right in line with what I said. OMG how affirming is that????? Maybe I'm not so crazy after all, eh???

      Now it is just healing those ongoing lifetime wounds. So I can live the rest of my life in peace and without all the self-doubt.

      I posted as anonymous but find that another name purejoy. has come up -- I think google did that. So I will go as purejoy.

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    3. Yes they will turn kids on you. I have heard this time and time again. I never had a child but suspect my mother would have tried to steal one from me too. Often they will use money to buy the kids once they hit the teens or young adult hood and if a scapegoat is poor or of meager means it can make it even more possible.

      Wow being NC ten years, you probably think how did it happen but they wiggle in like snakes. It makes me sick too.

      Yes I understand waiting until they are ready. Hey we may as well talk, they think what they think of us anyway. I am glad you got somewhere with the article. Be careful though there can be some moments where those we are warning see some things but then the narcs pull the wool back over their eyes but if they are open to discussions and articles try what you can.

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    4. It's me -- September 13th. I guess some of you have had overt comments so you know what the slander against you is. What kills me is not knowing . . .I'm not sure it is stated outright any time to anyone. There was one time when my girls were 11, 9, and 6. We were spending the night at my parents' house, it was bedtime and I laughingly asked, "Why don't these kids mind?" My mother, standing in the doorway, said, "Because they are smarter than their mother." Helpful, eh? Many years later, I suffered a retinal tear and detachment, had surgery, was pretty traumatized, but did well. About a year later, I was staying with my disabled father while Mom was in the hospital with a fake heart attack. (not just being catty). I came across a letter (yes, I was snooping) my mother had written to my eldest while I was recovering from the eye surgery. It was filled with innuendo and the comment that I had brought it on myself. !!!!!!!!!!!!
      So -- my mommy monster does it mostly through indirect methods --- "insightful" comments, etc. How to you fight that?
      My mother also allied herself with my ex, who was a controlling, crazy man. My youngest, years later, told me he used to tell her sisters and her that I did not love them and I did not take care of them. This man was always invited to family holidays, fawned over by my mother, even after I remarried, until I issued an ultimatum that it was either him or me. I thought I'd won one. I later discovered the family viewed me as unreasonable and vindictive for it. I'm just rambling. . .thanks for hearing me out.

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  50. I am really glad I found this blog... I have been doing nc for over six years now. In the beginning I was totally alone and I have one family member only that refuses to follow orders from the Queen and golden boy. I now have a loving husband, step children and a wonderful church community. It is difficult to come to the realization that it is not you but something in you that they fear. However that is fine for now but the day will come when they will stand face to face with that which they fear.... and that is not me.

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    1. They fear the light in you. The darkness hates the light. That was the conclusion that I came to years ago. The light the quest for truth. Truth in any form can not be allowed by them. But the truth does set you free.

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    2. I agree, they hate the light in people. I am glad anon you were able to go NC and later get one family member. Mine are all part of the system so I am alone, I am glad you have a good church community and loving husband and stepchildren. I have to try and build my life back up. I am not sure how. The financial stuff is trying to destroy me as much as the narcs but I have a good church myself and others I know in the community who have been good friends. I believe they will face what they did one day.

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  51. When a Family does this they are simply Sociopaths. Know that you are not the one with the problem or the toxic disposition.

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    1. I'd go with that. I believe some are sociopaths and have crossed from Narc land to Malignant Land. The lack of emotions and even fear and total coldness have spoke for themselves. I am better off being away.

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  52. Thank you for sharing your life, pain, struggles and empowerment in this very touching blog. I felt like much of your words were thoughts & feelings from my own heart. I think I shared very similar experiences but mine was due to sexual abuse I endured as a child. Being blamed, isolated and left to my own. When you wrote about being in the hospital alone the same had happened to me on multiple occasions. Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful heart.

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    1. So sorry you were sexually abused. Thanks for your encouraging words. Yes I relate to being blamed, isolated and left to my own. During NC I have been processing the medical neglect and thinking about how very sick I was and no one was there for me. I am only alive today because I found husband by the age of 25 [married at 29]. He is the one who kept the hospital vigils after that.

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    2. I hope you never face being in a hospital room alone. I know I don't want anyone to suffer that. There is nothing worse. I have friends now too but feel for anyone going through that.

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  53. Thank you for sharing this illuminating post.
    I have my own horror story to tell of an NPD mother, but I thought I'd share what I was advised to do by a therapist (and how that advice played out), in case any of you want to try this.
    My NPD mother had ostracized me with almost no contact for a decade. I was her scapegoat. I became successful and she started sniffing around. Then she told me that she had totally changed and became enlightened with bucket-loads of tears. I bought it hook, line and sinker: who doesn't want to believe a mother who has always hated you and now wants to love you and be close to you? So I let her into my life.
    Then I had some very tragic life events and she went back to her old ways: NPDs always want to add to your pain and grief, and they want to add as much pain as they can. So, in true form, that's what she was doing.
    My therapist saw the smear campaigns had started again too, and this is what I did (from his advice):
    I e-mailed her and told her I got rid of my land-line and mostly had my cell phone off and to e-mail instead. So she put all of her threats, insults, tantrums and lies into written format. In addition, other bullies she cried tears to and enlisted, wrote me too. One wrote me a threat (which I handed in as a report to the police).
    Then when another more intelligent family member started giving me the business about how I treated my mother too, I said, "You're not getting the true story. You're getting her version of it. I have the whole recourse in writing. I'll send it to you."
    NPDs spread lies; this is your opportunity to spread the truth!
    So the whole transcript was eventually sent around to most everyone in the extended family.
    And a magical thing started happening: after decades of being tormented, feeling in some state of bereavement, lonely, disconnected, being looked at as a freak that my poor mother "had to put up with", they began to see her as the cruel, bullying mother she really was. And she did it with her own words!! She never thought that I'd turn against her because she thought she had me running scared all of the time ... and everyone protects abuse right? Everyone is too ashamed to talk about being the object of abuse by their own mother, right? Wrong!
    The bullies in my family were the ones who eventually became isolated, and went into hiding. And other scapegoats that I never knew about, came out of the closet too.
    Just be aware that when family bullies have been caught, they tend to escalate in a mad frenzy to get back the control and domination they once had -- so never catch yourself alone with them.
    And also never let them know that you are weak. ALWAYS show a sign of strength! The more successful and popular you can appear to be, the less they will abuse you. They want to make you crumble and be weak -- so that they can control you! That's the only dimension they function in: control and lies.
    There are other things I am trying out too which I can report at a later time when I see the full effects.

    A reminder: my mother came back in my life when she saw that I was successful. Her "throw-away child" showing her up and being successful! This ruined her image as a mother who was burdened by a crazy, loser daughter! Her real motive in getting me back was not to love me, but to try to bring me down again. She played up the concern, the empathy and compassion -- all to give me bad advice which, in my gullible state, I took to mean that she was trying to get me on a path which would bring me more success. Nope, it brought me less and put me in a precarious position. I figured her out when I was making a series of *autonomous steps* in a certain direction in my career, this time without her suspect advice, and she said to me, "You don't need to be successful! I love you the way you are!"
    When my world fell apart (deaths, surgeries, home health care, etc), that is when the old horrible abusive rejecting NPD mother resurfaced.

    I hope this helps someone!

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    1. So Carrie, welcome to the blog, you were ostracized, where the narc cut you off and not the other way around, became successful and she came back? I think she only came back into your life to destroy you and sabotage you purposefully.

      Yes I can just imagine. We all want a mother's love. Mine is too cold to even do the phony "I love you's" to draw me back in.


      I am glad you were able to do things via email. When I went NC, I made my final words all in written emails, and have kept copies in my files. It is good you did it this way. Yours sounds more histrionic, mine never can let go of a good appearance, so I get the fake birthday cards but obviously still a malignant narc.

      Mine would tell me off in emails, but the rest of the family would join in/and or agree. I really had a bunch of cowards who never looked out for me. It sounds like yours pushed the envelope, and LOST big time. You got a record to show others. I dare say mine would never slip up and is better at covering her tracks but wow you got a gift there. I am glad that relative was willing to look and the others were interested in the truth. My relatives were told when I went NC, but none cared. I am not believed, however in my case, she has made them all so they are okay with her insults and such. I of course do not just have one narc but an infested nest of them in my FOO.

      Yes never show any vulnerability to a narc. You are right the more successful and popular you are, the less they will abuse. I know if I became a successful person or had money, my abuse would have been far less. Mine benefitted so much for the butt kicking I got from the world medically and otherwise. I suppose my endless misfortunes were her delight. I have to admit if by some miracle, money or success came my way, and they came kissing my butt, I'd slam the door in their collective faces. Mine did nothing but call me crazy and a loser. Yeah, I have written about how I wish I had gotten money or husband's career had not faltered and how I wish they would have loved me but right now if the cash rolled in via some miracle, or a book that got published--we are poor "creative class" types that sit around thinking of projects though my husband does have more wherewithal and chance in getting something done then me of course, if they decided they loved me then, SLAM would go that door too. I still remember the sudden change when husband got a copy ad writer job, and then lost it, we descended down to poverty and how that changed things and how the treatment got so bad. I was already ready to crack up and what they did to me was unforgiveable.

      Yours sounds like she was on a plan to END YOUR SUCCESS. Probably was eaten up with jealousy. If I had a great job, I would at this point expect psycho calls to the boss. I also know if I won the Lotto, she be attempting commitment proceedings to swim in the money, LOL

      Sorry you faced some health problems and others. One thing if a person is a bright shining star they reflect well on her. If the star falls or is only on top for a time, they will be done with you. Even the Mini-Me in my case should realize if her executive husband ever divorced her, or all kids were out of the house and she ended up middle aged and alone or even on a fixed income, mommy isn't going to care, she will be busy glomming on to the highest achieving grandchild.

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  54. Have any of you ever participated in "wounded child therapy"? If so what did you think of it. Was it helpful, empowering or just going back to relive all the old crap.

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    1. I had a few therapists in the 90s talk about nurturing the "inner child". I didn't feel it helped that much. I wish they had told me about narcissism instead and told me more direct to run from toxics.

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  55. Thank you so much for what you have written here. You could have been writing my own story. I grew up being scapegoated by my mother. It wasn't easy for her to scapegoat me because I got top marks at school, was popular and excelled at everything I did. I moved away at 18 for university. Despite living 3000 km away from my mother and having almost no contact, she has woven a web of lies about me (to serve herself) that has alienated my family from me. I did not realise how bad this was until just these past few weeks. I sent messages to my cousins and aunts wishing them Happy Thanksgiving and not one person acknowledged my message. I have been very ill and decided to let my mom know, in case I don't recover. It was a terrible mistake. After the second time we spoke (we had pleasant conversations) she sent me an email saying she has decided that we should never speak again, but if I would like to email her occassionaly that would be ok. I wrote an email back asking if she was joking. Considering I am ill, I thought it was particularly cruel. I got an email back from my stepfather also saying I must never contact them again. The next day she started a smear campaign. I don't know what she said (it would have to be lies), but everyone turned against me. Understanding that she is not a well person doesn't help when I have to live without a family. I am an emotional orphan. Christmas holds no joy for me anymore, there are no good wishes, no presents and no family to celebrate with. I tried to be close for many years, but my efforts (trips home, cards, phone calls and letters) weren't reciprocated. I tried to have a separate relationship with my brother, which worked for a while, but he has absorbed too many of her lies and now he won't talked to me either. The day after my mother emailed to tell me never to speak to her, my brother posted on Facebook that she was the most wonderful mother in the world. I know this means her smear campaign was in full swing. I am ill and struggling and tis is an emotional blow I did not need. Your post has helped to confirm what I already knew, I am normal they are not.

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    1. Thanks for your comments. It is too bad you were scapegoated by your mother too. I am glad you did well in school and had friends. That is unusual for the scapegoat but some manage it. How did your father treat you? Was he present or an enabler?

      Yes if you live far away they will work to alienate the family, it happened to me when I moved away as well. The longer the time the worse it is especially if you can't afford to make regular visits. They build an image of you to others that is horrible.


      Yes her rejecting you even during severe illness is something I relate to. I was very sick last year, having another health crisis now, and well, none cared.
      That is very cruel, what she did. I am so sorry what the stepfather did too. I plan to write an article about medical neglect today I had growing up which you may find interesting. When the scapegoat is ill they do not care, whatsoever. If anything they will use it to malign you even more. My mother's husband never tried to contact me either, always nodded his head in agreement with everything.

      I had everyone turned against me too. She is working on my brother, I have gone VLC and am not calling anymore. It feels like a waste of time. He ignores everything I say. Don't you find yourself wondering what was said? I know I do.


      I find myself thinking why does she control the rest of the family so much where I can't even talk to her. I am sorry you feel no joy at holidays. I understand the holidays thing. It is hard for me every year. I can't afford the whole mess when just keeping basics going is so difficult.

      I am sorry you will lose your brother to her too. I have lost everyone.

      One thing I realize is they train people to reject you via many subtleties, so even if you ask what was said? No one will tell you.


      Yes I saw the praise for my mother too on FB before I was NC, my mother would constantly write how proud she was of my sister and her husband, all the time. Ignored me even on most innocuous and neutral posts. I understand the emotional blows. I took far too many of them. When sick they can make life hell, unlike the rest of the world whose families help them when they are sick, ours kick us to the curb. I am going to write about my medical neglect which will freak some here out. You are normal they are not. The family becomes their brainwashed minions. I hope you will feel better soon and will pray for your health troubles.

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  56. I was ostracized by my mother, father and all my five sibblings. Imagine the surprise I had 45 years later when I learned that my mom's only sister recognised that I was a good person and she never discussed me with her because she was aware of what my mother was. She has never betrayed me. I have told her that I would no longer be part of anyone's life who tried to abuse me in any way. Recently I travelled to a family wedding (no immediate family was invited as they have a reputation for creating havoc and arguments) and I was invited as a guest by my two cousins. I was welcomed with love, understanding. Both told me that I had been a good person, and they recognised it. They were aware of the vindictiveness of my parents and sibblings. They expressed nothing but understanding and contempt and apologised for not doing anything to help me (they themselves were only a few years older but recognised that my salvation was to get away from a totally vampiristic family environment). Both cousins cited many instances of my parents and sibblings narcissistic tricks, lies and deceit from scam to exaggeration to revolting lies passed around to exonerate themselves and blame me. I was the scapegoat in all instances. And my sibblings all conformed to the narcissistic framework except me. I was odd person out. My genes did not allow me to be what they were.. For the first time in my life I heard stories that when my parents left me alone at 15 for three weeks with five children to go off to another state for a holiday, with no food etc or money or supervision or help, they returned to complain that I a pot head and was appropriately punished on their return. With what money? I never did drugs. I was parentified and had the responsibility of four kids under me. I reflect and can only say that they were lucky and escaped prosecution. In my own mind now I know that they were the problem, they had a family and blamed everything on me or others. My cousins, even after all these years said, "how did you survive." These cousins cut all ties with my parents and my sibblings many years ago after being lied to, deceived and taken advantage of. I told them, "just barely." But I did despite what happened to me, I had a wonderful career and life, good friends and a wonderful family (away from my family). . I only pity my parents and sibblings as they are all destructive and never understood that blood does not make a family. Love does.

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    1. I am sorry anon you got ostracized by your entire family and all your siblings. I am glad you had your aunt who thought you were good, but did you ever ask her "Where were you?" I am glad she kept your secrets but why didn't she ever defend you? I have to admit my patience for the silent bystanders who may not actively reject me, has ebbed. I am glad your cousins and aunt love you, if they treat you well now that is what matters but I wanted to bring up those issues. My entire family is controlled by my mother. A few cousins aren't actively mean and seem to be good towards me, but they are still caught in the net of pleasing her. Oh I am glad they apologized! Ok, that answers my question.


      I did have one cousin write me this...but sadly even he fell for one of her lies later and she fed him more Kool-Aid. He still talks to me but is distant because of her. He doesn't understand Narc families either:

      "For what it's worth, I'm sorry **** made you feel that way. Maybe I hadn't noticed it before or maybe it's gotten more apparent in the last few years, but I never knew he had such strong conservative leanings. You and I, and I'd say [Aunt Scapegoat] & my mom, we're cut from a different cloth I think, than the rest of the family. I guess that's how families are, but it still doesn't make it right for someone to say things like that without taking your feelings or situation into consideration. "

      I am glad you did get on to get a good life. I find myself EXTREMELY REGRETFUL, that my life has been so full of pain with no money, etc. Isn't the best revenge living well? I am glad you have relatives who are allies too. I wonder why I don't have ONE even that sees what is going on.

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  57. this is such a encouragement to hear how you have healed from this horrible treatment as too am i now finally starting to see that i will survive this grief and depression & still sometimes anger (these states all effects of my families abuses. scapegoating & rejection/abondoment of me) and that not only will i survive this but i will thrive from all of this ...and at times i have been suicidal from what they have done to me so to be seeing the opportunities now for the future and encouraged by posts such as these this future will become my reality!!

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    1. I pray you can go on to survive and thrive. I know things are tough for me due to the health outside the family but for a normal person to get away, life will change for the far better. I know grief and anger are tough to deal with. I am hoping things will ebb with time for me being a year and 4 months into no contact. I pray you have a good future too.

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  58. I want to say thank you for writing this, for once I don't feel so alone in this world. I am 28, the youngest of my siblings and the only girl, most people assume I am the favorite because I am the youngest / only girl, but they have no idea. My entire life it has been me against my family, I've always been the scapegoat and for 22 years I didn't even realize that my place in the family had a name. My mother is behind it all, I couldn't even tell you how many times I would hear my mom talk badly about me to my brothers when I was just a small child. Growing up everything was my fault, everyone's anger was dumped on me and I had no escape. It has taken me so many years to realize it's Not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong. I live 22 minutes away from my entire family and no one bothers to come by to visit me or even call. There were several occasions where my own parents would drive right past my house, on the way to visit another relative, but never me. When I moved out at 23 it made everything so much worse. I tried so hard to maintain contact with my family, I was always the one to make the effort to visit, initiate every single phone call. One day it dawned on me why couldn't they try? So I purposely stopped calling and visiting, 8 months later my mom calls me and says "just wanted to make sure your still alive." Like she would care if I lived or died..even now my father is dying and no one call me if he is hospitalized or has a major surgery. I am always left in the dark, they probably wouldn't call me to say he died until a week after the funeral. I've tried to tell my brothers how she treats me and they can't see it, the most they will say is "yeah I know." Everyone caters to her every need, walks on eggshells to prevent from upsetting her. If it wasn't for my fiance I would have moved out of state and never looked back. At least my fiance knows the person my mother truly is, he knew the day he met me how she treated me. Luckily I go to therapy, it helps me out a little bit. But honestly I don't think anything can ever heal the gaping wound that is caused by being unloved and unwanted by your own family. It's amazing how I can go a year or longer without speaking to any of them, and they still find things to make up about me and bad mouth me to anyone that will listen. They will do whatever it takes to assure that no one likes me or wants to be around me. It hurts too, because they have never known me, and will never know the kind loyal person I am. I think I grew up being the opposite of them because I knew deep down that a loving family doesn't do things the way they do. If anyone met me and then met my family, they would swear we are not related at all. I don't believe in brow beating a person and turning everyone in their life against them. That is one of the cruelest things a person could do to someone, especially their own "family".

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    1. the most important thing is to not let how they have treated us to change what it is about us that they feel so threatened by. I've spent a lot of time researching this and living it as the family scapegogat, I have come to the conclusion that it is truth that they fear. The face of truth is not welcome to those in denial. and they are jealous of our ability to love as they only know control, I doubt they understand this but i bet they sensed it in us all our lives we blissfully ignorant that our own parent can in fact be jealous of us then we are almost destroyed to realsie our own parent has attempted to sabotage us our whole lives and still does and then rejects and abondons us leaving us without family worse off than orphans who may be lucky to think good thoughts of their deceased parents, this is what hurts when all we wanted was to love and be loved by them, so we agonise as to why and think it must be us that is faulty, but you see it really really really is them because they are living a life in denial and refusal to face the truth of their own hurts to them as children and onto us from them. It is the scapegoat that suffers the most of this abuse but the rest of them they will live their lives thinking control is love and thinking that it is acceptable to treat another human even worse own family with such cruelty or if they do realsie it is not acceptable then they are so weak they do it out of fear of being rejected themselves kind of like Stockholm syndrome. This is a generational transfer of abuse but we at least can let this stop with us and not pass this damage on. The benefit for us is that we have been stretched in ability to feel and recognise what love is. I've realised that now I notice the small but real acts of love I encounter that I would not have recognised prior the 2 years of grief since being rejected from whole family for vocing against abuse. I also now recognise pain others are experiencing that I would have missed before, I actually feel real love and appreciate real love Don't believe the lie – the lie that it is us that is faulty – just because the family jump on to that lie does not make it true, that is what a whole country did to the Jews – made them the scapegoats and was it true that they deserved to be slaughtered? And a whole army/country fell for that lie! so hang in there it takes time and i still get depressed but no longer suicidal and also now \ can say i am having happy days in fact some very happy days, the hurt is still there but it is not as bad and im filling the gaping hole and i so know what you feel when you say that but im filling it will real acts of love & feeling real love. It is so important to actually say positive sentences in your mind rather than thinking over and again why what is wrong with me sort of stuff and also to have people contact force yourself to keep people contact so that the opportunities of experiencing love and im not meaning sexual partner love i mean love in general as in acts of true care can be experienced, That is what will fill and over fill the gaping hole that's what i am now seeing as really possible.

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    2. Maria,
      This is absolutely brilliant what you wrote. Spot on!! If I say so myself! LOL. These are my thoughts and insights of the many many years. Thought and insights I would doubt and reject as true. Thank you for sharing them. This has been such a validation. True also, getting out there and allowing ourselves to experience true love. tonight, I am letting my neighbor treat me to dinner before I leave on a trip where she will be also treating me to watching my cat. Recieving love without fear and guilt is hard for me. Feeling spoiled and loved thought is neccessary to our healing. I am bringing some wine. That is it. I will get to do nice things for her another time. Tonight, will soak up the pampering.

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    3. Thats great Purejoy and that gift of care is the gift in itself. We are lucky to have the internet as hearing the stories seeing the patterns and access to the reserach helps clarify to us that it is not us that is or ever was the problem. Although there are effects of this abuse to us that we are left to heal and that healing involves experiencing love so its actually nice and leaves less time to dewll on what if's when what ifs never were in fact and probably never will be from them but we have a whole world of others that can and will be. Wishing you and all of us here the best of life.

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    4. I agree, Maria. The internet and blogs like these are so helpful. Have been for me to validate many of the insights I've had but could not dare to trust. Helpful in my healing process to hear others experiencing and sharing the same things. Helps all those disjointed distorted pieces fall into place. I have to say that you expressed this beautifully. I have copied what you wrote to refer to again. I walked away from my FOO who all aligned with parents but have been dealing with children who also took their anger out on me and to this day are mostly aligning with FOO.

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    5. I want you all to know soon I probably won't have a family at all except a few cousins I haven't seen in 8 years and one I saw recent but only once in 10 years. Things are not going well with my brother. These narcs get their claws in and there is no winning. I am facing facts of how deep the abuse went and even how the others were trained to treat me in a very disdainful way and neglect and ignore all my feelings. Some of the things I am dealing with, I didn't even SEE until I was months into NC.

      I wrote this today...

      http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-latest-with-my-brother.html


      I am sorry anon you had all those sisters and all of them rejected you but I believe it. I am glad I found out the name for what I suffered so I could understand it. I relate to everything being my fault and being constantly trashed. I know realize to the depth of my being how my mother has destroyed both relationships with my siblings. I don't even know what to do? It makes me sick to my stomach. I also realize one is a full blown narc and other has covert narc traits and both have drank the Kool-Aid. How do they so effectively silence the scapegoats? Nope you didn't do anything wrong. Sorry you live so close and they still ignore you. I suppose if I lived in any of their towns it'd be the same for me.
      I am sorry you had the people driving by you and refusing to visit. You sound like me, always trying to call and visit. I was very sick, and would push myself to do these visits where I would get leg infections or get sick and obviously I was wasting my time wasn't I? None of them noticed I was even alive. They simply didn't care. I would call Aunt Denial a few times a year trying to be friendly but she was always "too busy" to return my calls. Aunt Scapegoat would refuse to answer letters or send cards back. Aunt Confused would never respond to letters either. You are right to ask, "Why couldn't they try?" I realized years ago my mother and sister were calling me as little as they could get away with and keep in touch. I asked myself why am I trying to deal with people who hate me? Even her creepy present drop-off of 2012 was her "doing her duty". All they ever have done is slammed doors in my face and rejected me. Even being in the same room with them they don't share anything. They are empty people anyway. I would get the making sure you are alive calls too. I got those. They left me in the dark too, I had great-aunts die I never heard about. One I thought was still alive, I found her obit by accident on the internet doing some of the geneaology research. I heard the "yeah you know". They don't care about me either and everything is about keeping her happy and walking on eggshells for her, and since I went NC, the distance has grown worse. So yes this is how it played out for me too. I am glad you have your fiancé.

      continuing...

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    6. I am not sure if anything can ever heal this either, one has to come to an acceptance of it to deal with it but it is a huge loss to be rejected, and/or abused by one's family. I am kind of reeling now, about how maligned I was and finding out how I was really viewed by them all, it has hurt bad. I beat myself up for enough years for these people who could care less, saying if only I had been thin, or had gotten a great career etc. The worse thing too in my case, is I may have been denied my real family as they continue to lie and keep secrets from me. I think in my case, they will forget about me. I am already written off and can tell. It was happening even before I went NC as they were shutting the doors in my face back then. My NM has too make it so no one likes me or wants to be around me. Obviously all the depression and rejection doesn't make you perky to be around but I remember when I was in the "forgive everyone", "lets make new slates" mode years ago, and came change the abuse or rejection one bit. Mine never knew me either. They just have this false picture of me and they cling to it. I noticed that with Aunt Confusion who only saw me through my parents lens and refused to even see me as today. I had to leave her behind just based on that alone. I think it is cruel what happened to us too. I basically consider myself as not having a family anymore and I really do not.

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  59. I agree purejoy and maria. We need those others. the others are my friends and husband. We can find people who love us. I have despite this rotten family. I think the internet too is helping put the pieces of the puzzle together. The experts who didn't live in a narcissitic family don't know all the ins and outs and subtleties that play out, blogs even before I started writing about having a narcissistic family helped me put the puzzle pieces together, I read Anna V's blog and What Makes Narcissists Tick and House of Mirrors. These helped me get answers as to WHAT TO DO. I did an informal NC not knowing how or why in my 20s but learned that is the answer. Don't take anymore abuse. These people as you age can rip you down and hold you from being who you are supposed to be.

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  60. Oh my gksh same with what happened to me my mother influenced my child agsinst me i will post more later about this as that was the worst of all how tgey influenced my own child. I have made a bit if gain with her since rhen will post details 2moro at work now

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  61. Some of the quotes form “People of the Li'e
    that best sum up to me what we are dealing with as follows

    Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors--either to others or to themselves. p 104 The disguise is usually impenetrable p 76....Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. p 106

    Projects his or her evils and sins onto very specific targets (scapegoats) while being apparently normal with everyone else ("their insensitivity toward him was selective" (Peck, 1983/1988, p 105[7]))

    Commonly hates with the pretense of love, for the purposes of self-deception as much as deception of others – this is what fools the most – and of course a chlld can only consider her mother loves her as a child cannot bear the truth – even as a adult – only just bearing this now as an adult some days not as well as others

    So yes my mother has my whole family fooled/controlled as well as a catholic community facebook friends etc,,, and worst of all ….my own child as well, well not sure if she has her totally fooled im hanging in with contact with my child who is now 23yrs old but wake up with fright that its too late sometimes but I just have to hang in there . So for now my child is in very very limited contact with me but at least contact – she does not want to know about it basically said to me its not their generation's fault which is true – I try to keep her out of it not talk about the whole thing (ie I was rejected from family 2 years ago after a lifetime of covert scapegoatiing I had memories return of sexual abuse and voiced this for concern of my niece in part time care of this parent who I recalled and without a doubt this abuse also have lie detector test result confirming this and was then rejected from family not seen neices nephews since then & I see via facebook a new niece born).
    So it is hard to not be in anxious state of being fully rejected by my child when for instaace my sister and parents told my niece I have a demon in me!!!!! so this is what im up against. My mother threatened me with no more family if I didn't stop voicing against abuse and then she took them obvously im not invited to my nieces wedding the words in the letter from all of them was along the lines of calling me a looser (I run a successful business for the last 8or so years) , that I'm mad and not ever welcome in the family for the rest of my living days. I found out my own mother had been telling my then teenage child that it was my fault I was physically abused by my father as a child ( my dad also broke my sister's nose when she was 13yrs old I mean these were not accidents) & also combined with damage to my child from someone outside of the family not known to me & who is now serving 8years in jail for that –with all that occurring my child began abusing me 2 bad iincidents attacks on me one resulting in miscarriage from blows to my stomach. She lost it I think she was going through flashbacks I coped it ther was nothing I said or did I vowed from as a child never to do to my own chld treat her like I was treated I have forgiven her but she may not have dealt fully with that which could be a factor in her avoidance of me, but mainly I feel it is the fact that the rest of the family tell her im mad and that I have false memory syndrome, the general overall projection to her that I am some how faulty or the problem. .On the limited times I have seen her I always maintain positive mood and do not discuss or project anything negative to her , my only concern in realtion to family now is her and in the hope that she will not become just like them. I really don't know how this will eventuate and swing from hope to fear & hopelessness on this.

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    1. http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-nature-of-evil-and-npd-families.html

      Check out this article if you haven't seen it yet Marie.

      I have heard of so many women losing children to narc parents or grown children too being turned against them. Sorry this happened to you. Tell your daughter directly you were abused and your mother is a narc. Don't hide it. Give her literature even. You may still lose her as the narc scoffs and manipulates but at least you are opening the door to some truth.
      Sorry they told everyone you were demonized. I am the hellion to my family, for daring to leave their church. They kept me away from their children lest I infect them with my religious beliefs.

      Wow they called you a loser with a successful business? Sigh...

      Yes I relate not being invited to parties, events and weddings. The family held the annual family meeting in Dec, knowing I was totally housebound that time of year on purpose.

      Your daughter caused your miscarriage? I got a bit confused. That is horrible. :(

      I am glad you have forgiven her. I am sorry they are lying on you and telling her your memories are false. I went through this where I was told I was a liar and gaslighted to the max. I hope you can work things out with your daughter. I know that has to be hard. I never had children but I have the feeling if I did, they would have taken them from me somehow. .

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  62. to try to clarify some of this Initially I wasn't' going to tell my daughter about any of this but my 'mother & father' held a meeting to advise her that I was delusional and mentally ill. This was just after I had done the lie detector test I spent so much money to do that so my brothers and sisters would know I wasn't lying & stop hating me as they do hate me you see because of what my mother did they all hate me then I went and had a report done from a psychologist and since then also my therapist who I started seeing in the last year has confirmed both of them confirmed that I do not suffer from any mental delusions I do suffer from anxiety which I can see now is from the emotional abuse of my mother threatening and taking of family I have it in writing my mother's threat of no more family no more birthdays Xmases weddings nothing if I didn't stop voiciing my sister said I had to apoloogise and my mother suggested I say I have false memory syndrome, I wasn't in therapy when the memories returned it was not anything implatned what my mother used to do I am sure my next 2 sisters down remember at least some of what my mother used to do and my father who finally granted me a face to face meetinig at my phsyucoolgists almost 2 years later from the memories retruning in all t his time this is the only time I have seen any of them in all this time apart from my child and even him coming to that meeting was a farce so his grandchildren are lead to believe he is tring to fix this. But even at that meeting my father let it slip by what he said in that I know he remembers what my mother did as well but I don't' think he would realise the level of what it is she actually used to do I mean it destroyed me it really did my whole life changed course at that time. Why else would a child repress such things if it wasn't so something it was because it was so traumatizing. So I did record this meeting with him also recorded a meeting earlier with them before the sexual abuse memories returned I recorded the initial meeting with them in regards to finding out that my mother was telling my child that it was my fault my father physically abused me you see I recoreded these meetings because I have know since I was 5years old that my parents lie, they told my teacher theyl ied about how my arm was iin a sling they lied to the doctor they lied to my sisters brothers and still to this day to my child, they say it was me that was the problem most my life I must of believed that too about myself and that damage to my core from that lie that has directed so much of my life the partners I selected the way I allow myself to be scapegoated at work even it has affected every aspect of my life as deep down I must of somehow thought I was the problem as well as after all it was always me getting the hidings it must have been my fault.

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    1. I would warn and tell your daughter and tell her they have labled you as crazy and whatever mental health problems you have is from the abuse. Did you show your daughter these reports? There is a point of course where you do not want to try anymore and figure the flying monkeys will pick the narcs. I am walking away from so many. No one wanted to believe me. This blog upon my demise [and earlier if I ever move away one day but I want to stay where I am at and be safe] will be shared with the family. At that point the non-narcs can have the information and use it however they'd like. They all play act and lie to make the scapegoat look bad. Nothing I said meant anything to mine either. I gave up my frustration with the willfully evil and stupid in walking away from them. With a daughter, make one concentrated try, write letter, show her copies of report and if she still picks them, then time to move on for your own protection but give that one attempt. Send her an article too about how narcs manipulate people. I had the willfully stupid in my family refuse to read articles and everything else. I had sent them even to the GC acouple years ago.

      Yes sadly parents lie. Mine lied to many and put up a false front to the point that high school friends of mine believed they were great parents. I told these high school friends how I was abused later, when in highschool I was too beaten down to share the abuse and only got friends I shared abuse with in college. The best thing to do is to find people outside their circles. MINE DESTROYED ALL FRIENDSHIPS where she knew the person in common. Unless someone moved away or was too busy to see her much, it would be destroyed. My only saving grace was to live in OTHER TOWNS all at least a certain distance away.

      They set us up to be too deferential with others. It sets up a scapegoat mode at work. My last job I had to fight back or end up on the street but even then a sociopath "won" with all her lies, but she did learn one thing, to leave me alone. With the family I think the scapegoats only option is to WALK AWAY. With your daughter give it one or two college tries and then you may have the sadness of leaving her be too, but tell her the truth. I told both my siblings the truth and about the abuse, they still chose my mother. They didn't even care I was diagnosed with a rare condition. I may take a photo of my diagnosis with name removed and put it on this blog, so after I die, none of those jerks can claim I was lying. Just so you know I have 20 plus familial relationships destroyed by the head narc. I know having a son or daughter taken away has to be incredibly painful and I have not felt that pain and will pray for you. Give up trying to explain yourself though. I know I had to at a certain point. Even to stay NC has been hard for me because you think in your mind, if only I tell them off, if only I tell them this, they will WAKE UP, and SEE. No these are wicked people willfully asleep, they do not care who is right or wrong, they care about bowing before the narc or are a narc themselves.

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  63. So the family rather than actually listen to the recordings and idetnfity the amount of abuse and dysfunction in our family but rather than listen to them they use the fact that I recorded them as indicative of me being mental. The other thing that they use to get leverage in their promotion of me being delusional is that from within 1 year of the most disgusting of things my mother did within a year of that incident I smoked my first mahuiuna joint & remained addicted to dope for most of my teenage years, my grades dropped that year but improved somewhat again enough to pass exams and so desperate for them to love me I then excelled in last year of school, you see if you do well iin our family you get love but not if you are honest infact I am only allowed family back if I lie my mother even said to me that if I loved them that I wouldn't care about these things but if she loved me she wouldn't have done those things, so I have been addicted to marijuana on and off most my life it gives me comfort it gave me comfort from the first time I smoked it I was hooked, so this is all a good promotion for the family to use as a anti drug thing saying see if you smoke dope you become delustional and my child knows I have smoked dop e which I do realsie that that is not a good thing for a parent to do I realsie that in itself is a neglect of her which is an abuse to her I take responsibility for that as a harm to her although I didn't expose her to it directly I still have always been honest to her so she knows I smoked I didn't smoke though when pregnant with her from as soon as I found out I was pregnant with her and I only smoke occasionally now I couldn't run a business smoking dope all t heitme its on occasion now it calms me. So this being the families excuse they cling to and reason to say im delusional I offer them blood tests to prove im not smoking as I can get by without it but they don't want to see any test results they won't even see me face to face barr that one meeting and my father said clearly at that meeting that if I don't apologise and say it wasn't abuse then I dont' get to have him either. My birhtdays are terrible xmas is terrible they don't reply to my emails my pleas the research info I send them and I have sent a lot of emails so that in itself they use saying im obsessive of course I am obsessed when something bad happens no one believes you you are shut out how can one not be obsessed with trying to communicate this what my mtoehr did was terribly wrong was terribly damaging and she has part time sole car eof a child a young child now in current times what what what does it take for the truth to be realsied what what does one do, and it is my word against my mtohers the indicators are subtle on the recordings would probably not hold in court the cops won't even bother to listen to the recordings they need hard evidence and I am sure that my sisters remember some of this stuff too they would have to but will never admit this. And when I send this info to my child she says stop I don't want to know there is even suggestion that it abusive for me to detail the abuse to her. I know that if I everr mention it then I wont' get to even see her ever again either, at right now it is hardly at all but still better than nothing at all.

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    1. Why wouldn't you record them? They lie so much, that you almost have to record them to figure things out. Maybe you could put them online if it is legal in your state.
      It sounds like they are doing a smear campaign others are buying, how dare she record us?...to get others not to listen.

      Yeah if you drink or smoke pot as a teen, and have narc parents you will never live it down. I was not a partier so didn't get that on me but they used it on Aunt Scapegoat big time. Many are turning to drugs to tune out the pain. Mine would have failed since they went the prescription drug route.

      Yeah even if you do better or succeed, they won't care. My college graduation was not celebrated and was ignored. They were more busy screaming at me to get a job and trying to get me flunked out of student teaching from all their abuse.

      I am glad you admit some of the harm from smoking dope. Yes a lot of people would use it to tune out pain. My parents were hypocrites going on about the pot smokers in the family while popping Darvocet and Xanax like it was candy. Maybe this was true of your family.

      I understand the obsession in trying to get them to SEE you or to LISTEN, and I tried for YEARS. I even used to send these 5 page letters to my mother and sent a long one going NC, but you must remember even if you make your case as clear as possible and would win in every court room in the land they don't care. one letter I wrote about 10 years ago was so skewering, to my mother, her response was just to DENY getting it. My father slipped up and said, "your mother cried from that hateful letter". Likely story even from his side. He was a sickening enabler.

      If your child is already saying Look I don't want to know, you tried, you need to walk away to protect yourself.

      I hit this point with all of them. My brother, sister, etc, all said we don't want to know. Aunt Denial could care less and ignored slew of phone calls, she would ignore me on positive social calls too. Please don't hurt yourself anymore trying to get them to listen. I had to learn the hard way, THEY JUST DO NOT GIVE A DAMN, and thusly the most healthy response is to walk away and FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL CARE ABOUT YOU. To be honest with you, I don't want to be around people who censor my speech or try to repress me every minute. My hateful narcs even despised and put down the things that brought me joy. Don't waste another minute trying to convince. In my case they will have this blog to read but as I am moving on, I don't care about convincing them anymore. They are spiritually blind people. I am very sorry about your daughter though and that they got to her. Maybe if she is young and she sees enough of their bad behavior one day she will change her mind.

      know that if I everr mention it then I wont' get to even see her ever again either, at right now it is hardly at all but still better than nothing at all.

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  64. Five Hundred Pound Peep wrote: Oh the cognitive dissonance is horrible, you think thoughts like "How can you walk away from your entire family?"

    They ostracised me. I didn't have to walk anywhere. For me the hardest part of my daily life is Other People asking that question, automatically assuming I'm spoiled and petty, as if there was just one argument I couldn't get over. I'm already on the back foot relationally, and when someone I haven't known long asks about family I get that sinking feeling. Like you, I have no one left. I do my best to ignore Christmas and my birthday.

    You were telling my story, btw. Mother hated me, I hung on and hung on, she went into smear campaigning, everybody bailed out. It leaves me a beggar in the world, desperately searching for people to love me, therefore a sitting duck for every abuser in the vicinity. In my experience -- more than 30 years of 'therapy' -- even the professionals don't understand.

    Not surprising, I suppose. As many articles as I read explaining the phenomenon of family scapegoating, there's a three-year-old inside me who's never going to make sense of it.

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    1. Hi Vicky, I agree mine ostracized me too as displayed in the article. I was being cut off more year by year and didn't want the indignity of being thrown away in the trash can completely.

      Sadly most of the world thinks if your entire family rejects you, they must have good reason.

      All I know is I have watched the TVB Intervention and even the worse crack head people on the planet on there who have even stolen from their relatives, have some love and care from their families where they want to get them to get better.

      When I meet new people, I don't go into too much detail. The closer ones I tell the real deal with but newbies, I keep mouth shut and act like my family all died off. At least I am old enough to have this be in the believable realm.

      I ignore Christmas too. I am a Christian [not Jehovah Witness] but believe Christmas is not a Christian holiday, but one more for the solstice, so it's easy to ignore. Poor enough? And Christmas is nothing but a burden. My birthday I go to lunch with husband. I know the holidays can be the hardest seeing loving families get together.

      I'm sorry yours smeared you too. Mine did constantly and did subtle stuff to make it clear that getting close to me would be a bad idea. They have a way of working on people where certain people are considered on the "outs". Aunt Scapegoat got a bit more attention but when I was growing up all I heard was about what a loser and what scum she was, so I have seen in operation what they have done to her done on me behind the scenes.

      Having no family leaves one as a beggar in the world. Some can find good close friends, I have, but there is a VOID sitting there where most people have families. I think it is especially difficult for the childless. The young and scapegoated are set up for more abuse because the cold hard world knows who is left on their own and who does not have support kinfolk and where no one really has their back.

      I feel many of the professionals are failing on this one too. There hasn't been enough study of this disorder. While I found a few therapists who understood severe abuse, and scapegoating, along the way, many simply did not have the context.

      I know there is a part of me that will never understand it either. Part of me is in absolute disgust that an Icecube was able to breed [and or adopt] and hate her own children. I didn't get to have children. It makes me feel even more sick.


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  65. i agree its impossible for anyone professional or not to understand the level of grief that comes with full family rejection and no care and shutting out. But we have been dealing with it all our lives without realising the full extent of the damage to our core selves or what it is fully that was happening to us., it is really not our fault it as taken me almost 50years to know this. So seeing this is an opportunity & a positive thing is the only way to get through this and it is so hard to do that because the grief is just so painful and unpredictable when the grief can hit i find mornings the worst. but still its better than before its like one step forward and almost a full step back but not quite. I hope you have at least one person who treats you as you deserve to be treated. im sure there will be many to come more so once its realsied fully it is them not us that is faulty because adults that have not been treated like we have been do not put up with what we put up with. we have to get to their level of self assurance of self value. the value in us in inherent its there it is our perception of self value that they programmed wrong not just into us but into the whole famlly about us.

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    1. I wish the professionals would study this more and the incredible damage some of these personalities are doing to their own children and adult children. I know I have suffered in grief for years and tried everything. I even for years thought, if I get money or better health maybe they will love and accept me. I am now entering the mode of judging them the way they did me. I realize they are low intellectual people and many of them are simply trash with low morals. Some stuff about my family such as in how a few of the men treat women I didn't even include on this blog, it is so gross. To me this is more evidence of my adoption as mentally and intellectually I don't match them either as well as physically. Today I had to go to ear doctor and they think I could have Meniere's or even a tumor in my ears but that is where too a lack of a real family history is impacting things. I am going more deaf year by year.

      I know the full shutting out started early. Even by 1998 when I was almost dead in the hospital of leg infections and swelling from my unknown about lipedema, I was abandoned. I used to blame myself for years as their EVIL behavior. Thinking I was a bad daughter, too fat, too poor and unworthy of love and well one and half year into NC, I know to the core of my being they were the problem and I was denied what many people have which is a loving family. The few times they did throw me crumbs, they exacted a price from me, using it to abuse me, and berate me and consider themselves superior but most of the time I was left abandoned. Even with my brother, last year I was very very sick, it turned out to be something they could fix, but that didn't bring anyone to visit. That is a test like no other. The grief is hard but I am realizing I have felt it all my life even in just having them as parents. I hope you have other people in your life who love you Marie. I know it took me so long to get away too. [I am in mid40s] That dream of a family keeps one in the running too long.

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  66. thank you five hundred pound peep for your advice. I am trying to block out all thoughts of family when ever have contact with my daughter and maintain what is left of our relationship to rebuild it from where it is now My only chance to have any family lies with her but more than that she is as you say it is so painful to have to also go NC with my own child.but woudl if she was to abuse me again i would walk away, The way my mother has taken family and threat of that all my life really from her makes me highly anxious but i do know my daughter is not a sheep like the rest of them she has me as part of her which i hope will be her saving grace. thank you for your prayers and understanding which can only come from knowing what it is these narcs do to us, I know you are grieving now your brother as well it is each of them a loss to us. God knows what it is that has been done to us, They will have their day of rekoning,

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  67. Martya i think the comments show on our emails some time after ythey are posted perhaps anyway just saw you comment about your pain at being cut out from your own child's life as well mssing out on your granddaughter, this sort of thing is happening more these days and it is actually because of what we have done right not what we have done wrong, you see we have broken the cycle of abuse in how we brought uup our own chiildren but this has backfired on us, i can go into this a bit more if your interested. can i ask did your own parents have a hand in how your child treats you? did they put you down to her?

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  68. There is a really wonderful online suppirt group on Daily Strength for Parents of Estranged Adult Children.You are not alone with that.

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  69. Hi peep,
    In response to what you replied to me on 10/31/14: After I moved out of my parents house I felt really guilty because I loved my dad a lot, and I wanted to continue to keep in contact with him. I would always drive out to my parents house to visit, always initiated every single phone call, every holiday I would buy them presents. All I wanted was an occasional phone call or 2 minute visit to say "I miss you" or something! But of course, that never happened. I distinctly remember one Christmas Eve, my parents were supposed to stop by my house for a visit so I could give them the gifts I had carefully thought out for them. My dad calls me to let me know they are "on the way over now" and 3 HOURS later they show up..now keep in mind they live a mere 22 minutes away from me! When they show up my mother pulls into the very bottom of our driveway and keeps the car running while my dad runs a couple gifts up to my front door. I asked him "why is she staying in the car? Come inside" and he said "it's too icy, your mom can't drive well in this weather, we can't stay." So all I could do was give him their gifts and watch them immediately leave..The funny thing is, it wasn't icy outside. It had barely flurried at all. Needless to say I was upset, I had spent all day cleaning and cooking just for their visit. To add salt to the wound, my mother gave me this hideous glove and matching toboggan set that was black and white checkered- it still smelled like HER perfume and was obviously used. Not to mention that it just made the truth more painfully obvious that she never knew me at all because I have never wore anything like that in my life. It would have been different if she cared, then the thought behind the gift would have mattered to me. But when you give someone an item of clothing that still smells like your perfume, It's because it's too ugly for even that person to wear! Needless to say they ruined my Christmas Eve that year. All I could do is cry and wonder what was so wrong with me that my own family couldn't love me.

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    1. Did we have the same mother? The master at making excuses that made absolutely no sense. and the "gifts" she gave. Were always used and inappropriate. I do not mind used, thoughtful things in good condition but oh my the things she gave...made no sense either.
      I understand the deep down feeling of what is so wrong with me that my own family can not love me. It is not me it is what is so wrong with them? I hope that you are able to move forward and have people in your life who love you and that you have a wonderful Christmas this year with people you can count on. I have a Christmas Eve party for my friends....I do not think they even know that is my only Christmas. I make it myself.

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    2. Hi Anon, I am glad you wanted to keep contact with your Dad, that makes sense. I feel bad about my mother's husband. Wish he had his own email address. However he never tried to contact me either and I know she has filled his head with lies about me. It sounds like he was controlled by her as so often the Narc husbands are, and didn't even try to call you or anything. I don't understand this. Why didn't my mother's husband, my technical step-father ever tried to contact me? That is horrible you cleaned the house all day and made food and they wouldn't even come in full of excuses. This is JUST like what happened to me. Oh my! I feel for you because I remember the pain I had too. Yes sounds like horrible presents. Mine was okay on the present giving but they were used more for guilt until one friend asked me "Why take presents from someone you know who hates you." It makes me sick how the men always obey these witches and always always put them above their own daughters. This applied to my father before he died, he always did her bidding and threw me away for her. My mother's husband just followed like a puppy dog when I asked them to stay. I know it hurts not to be loved.

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    3. I try to ignore the holidays and get through, I am housebound most of the time anyway. It's mid November and its too cold already for me to leave the apt and comfortably breathe. I have to admit the holidays are torture on the poor. We can't afford them. After Thanksgiving, I want a fast forward button to March.

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  70. I feel for ACONs during the holidays. Us No Contact people it can be a very painful time as we watch others with loving families. I will pray for you all.

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  71. thank you Pure Joy. Pity we can't all meet and really get to know each other to be like the family we deserve - well meaning friend's invites to share Xmas is touching but also is sad too for us reminding us of what we don't have, but with us lot here we know on such a deep level what this pain is and that bonds us like others could not understand - so sharing a Xmas with us as a group would be in a way a filling of a huge gap if we were able to do as such

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    1. Maria,
      The exact conversation i was having with some of my online support group of Parent of Estranged Adult Children,,Pity that we can not all meet in person. What a party that would be and we would all understand each other. Where do YOU live?

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    2. I have some ACON friends IRL, though they are all long distance. Those who have been through this can understand it like no others. I agree a real life support group of ACONs would be good. I think some big cities have them.
      http://www.meetup.com/Adult-Children-of-Narcissistic-Parent-s/
      http://narcissistic-personality-disorder.meetup.com/cities/us/ny/new_york/

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  72. I live in new zealand. Long way away. Will be thinkingvofvuscall this xmas

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    1. We are together in Spirit. My youngest son, with whom I've recently reconnected and taking baby steps lived in NZ for 6 months. Worked at a skydiving drop zone there.

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  73. I can identify--at fifty-seven years old and ostracized from my family on and off for most of my life, my list of estrangements grow. It includes mother, father, brother, aunts, cousins, and most recently my daughter and only grandchild. My mother is the instigator of rumors and hatred, which I believe stems from a childhood of paternal incest.

    Ostracizing is a potent tool to continue inflicting abuse (study link): http://www3.psych.purdue.edu/~willia55/Announce/Docs/Outcast-Williams.doc

    I found the terminology in this article helpful. I'm a "target" not a victim. My mother is the "source." The word "target" removes me from blame, much like a Holocaust survivor. As a writer of creative nonfiction I tell my story through small vignettes where I bear witness and expose the abuse. My memoir empowers me. Thought I'd share my restoration approach--hope this helps as the holidays near.

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    1. Trey i feel for your loss of child and grandchild. Good on you for finding ways to cope with the pain by writing. It would be nice to read some of them are they online?

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  74. congratulations Pure Joy on managing to gain recontact with you son. I know how difficult and impossible for some this is to manage to have secured and how tenious that connection is as we are damaged from this rejection so spend too much time worrying about being rejected yet again. This being the upper hand our children have on us of course they are molded to our boxed family creation of us as well. Most importatnly you have done what your own family cannot do for you, - you have stopped the cycle or at least recognise it and making every atttempt to let it stop with you, Bearing the pain everyday but not passing it on, and so we do suffer with that but for an important reason for mankind,

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    1. Thank you Maria, Well it was my son who contacted me after about 18 months of silence when I told him I'd like to hear what he has to say and would when he can speak to me respectfully. He had a near fatal accident that he survived and is recovering beautifully. Hopefully when his body broke up so did the hard shell around his heart. You are so right, about being very wary now. A couple of nice intereactions a whole new history does not make. OUr nasty history is very long but i am wiling to give him one last chance. also, he keeps saying he wants to help buy me a house. Hmmmmm. Well I am proceeding very carefully with that too. So we will see how all this proceeds. But 18 motnths ago, I let the hope of having my kids be a part of my life. So now, if it happens great, if not....I still have my life.
      I find it sad that I have to feel this way.....I think now my heart has a wary shell around it. Because I do not trust them anymore. And yes, I have never passed along the abuse I've received from anyone. Well, not entirely true--I turned a lot of it toward myself .

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  75. wow. everyone on this page is describing my life to a t. i cam to your blog today after literally crying for hours. its been 2 months now NC with my narcissistic mother. she has turned everyone against me. im so lonely. i have a great boyfriend and a 9 month old daughter so i try my best to stay strong for them. but theres more to a family then just is 3. my mom has been smear campaigning me since day one after i cut her off. my younger brother the golden child my older brother he was between scapegoat and golden child. m i was the scapegoat.. my older brother sided with me for a while then he feel right back into her visciouc circle... it hurts me terribly. i was so close with him. she has put a wedge with everyone i had a good relationship with. i had to go as far as blocking everybody that associated with my mom on social media sites they were all coming to me acting like they cared about me but really I knew they were just there for information to go back to my mom.I knew the only reason they were reaching out to me was because of my mother.I blocked them all I even had to get a new phone number she kept harassing me.I was even at the story the other day and as I was driving it look like my mother's vehicle behind me but it wasn't it didn't look like hers.as I got up to the cash register I looked out the window and there it was my mom sitting in her car waiting for me to walk out of the store.I just about nearly s*** my pants OMG.as I quickly ran to my car she got out and tried to talk to me I told her to go f*** herself.she told me how much she missed my daughter and how she wanted to see her.it was never nothing about me.right there she had the chance to ask me what's wrong McKenzie are you okay can we please talk about this nothing.its like she was using my own daughter to play off against me.to try and get me jealous like haha I'm giving your daughter attention but not you you're not worthy of it.what an evil rotten bitch I cannot believe people like this exist in this world.I've been slowly turning to God and saying a little prayer every night to help me get through this hard time in my life.it doesn't help with the holidays coming up.my boyfriend comes from a good family so at least I have them.I'm just really afraid to get close to anybodyI don't trust no one...Gil has been really setting in my 9 month old has been crawling and pulling herself up on things and my mother is not even been around to watch it..it's not like I like keeping my daughter from her but I just don't want her to go through the same stuff I had to go thru but really it's for the best. I have like really bad anxiety at night I can't even sleep anymore.I can't believe this s*** this bitch has done to me OMG.I will piss on her grave and I will not attend her funeral.

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    1. Hi Anon, I would focus on your child and boyfriend and his family. I am glad you have a good family on that side. My husband's family all died off, there is no one there, both in-laws dead, extended relatives died in WWII. There is one sister who doesnt visit though she keeps phone contact with him. I would say those are your new family. It does hurt. How they manage to steal everyone still boggles my mind. Mine stole my brother back even when I warned him what she was, and he agreed to a point! Unless I hit the Lotto I have no chance, and then I don't want the jerks around anyway. Sorry your's stalked you at a store. Mine wouldn't show up to me, she is too afraid of her puppy dog husband hearing what a rotten and abusive mother she was. Mine never asked me what was wrong either. She just like always wants me to silently get back in line and submit. Hey one sincere apology or what is wrong? Or an apology for ostracizing me may have changed the whole trajectory. Mine is too proud and arrogant to even fake an apology like some people get from their narc mothers. I relate to you. Sometimes I am so disgusted I got THIS personality for a mother and sister, I want to vomit on the ground. No one I could ever talk to. This was the worse mother I could have gotten if she is even my real mother.

      With your daughter do be careful, warn your daughter when she gets older you do not want her against you or turning her into a narc. I am sorry for what you have gone through. These women do terrible things to too many people.

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  76. i had my mother do all this stuff like this etc smear campagins, sayiing bad to my kid about me behind my back causing problems there thats what she would do if you let her see you child she will try turn your child against you too and when they are teenagers they get in with that strategy and it causes so much problem and you could even loose you own child that way to her one day so don't fall for it don't get sucked in don't let her near your child. for a mother to put her own child down behind her back like that is a huge betrayal and my mother did it all my life i thought it had stopped but found out no she was doing it all my adult life as well, the rest had a big act on around me but now i know the truth and it does hurt bad and it is not a quick recovery at all but in order to stand up for yourself and identify your own true goodness not the way she portrays you but you real self it is essential to go it alone and break free from that family dysfunction.

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    1. I agree, I have seen them do this. They are experts at it. I never had a child but do think if I had, she probably would have found a way to steal it or maybe declare me unfit for being poor and ill or wiggled her way in somehow. They'll grab them later when they are older using money especially if the parent is lower income.

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  77. I might not have it quite as bad as this,but I am the black sheep of my family and have grown up this way only now to see my two kids in the same boat. We have no one. The rest of the family is huge and they party together etc. but we are left out of it all and it hurts. My mom did this to somewhat. I have stories I could tell, of how this happened but some might not understand or believe it. I was the second to the youngest in the family of siblings and my mom showed her favorites in the pecking order and I was last.I still cry at night for the hurt I have to endure every time I see all the family happy photos posted on facebook and the bragging. I have nothing to top it all off. I live on the poor side of town. So I feel your pain and sorry to hear you have to endure this treatment to. I never thought I would grow up to be a black sheep even as an older lady. I don't know why life is so unfair.

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    1. I am sorry anon that you and your children are ostracized. I hppe you can find other friends and people in town to be your new family. Do be careful with the children, warn them about her, so she doesn't swoop in and offer them money and steal them away from you when they are teens and young adults. I have seen this happen to too many with children. Maybe you should unfriend them on Facebook and go no contact especially if they treat you this way. Remember my no contact included many relatives--who ditched me and never invited me anywhere and disrespected me and teamed up with my mother. I wonder why life is so unfair too, and why I had to end up poor as well. I will pray for you. We have to find places where we aren't black sheep. I gave up on my family, there really was no other choice.

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    2. I believe the reason we have been allocated this task of suffering this wrong treatment is because we are intelligent enough to know it is not us that are faulty, we are strong enough to make a stand against the lies that have been handed down to us and we are capable of recogising and giving true unconditional love. We can choose now to let this destroy us or to overcome this evil treatment of us and i know it is not easy i have to do it on a daily basis or be swallowed by the pain & anger and total injustice done to us & that way consumes us and leads us to no purpose achieved for all this suffering. The point is the hope for future mankind rests with us and those like us to turn the direction of mankind away from the lies that have trapped our ancestors toward truth and love. We must remember the bigger picture.

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    3. I agree about looking at the bigger picture. I am not sure why God wanted some us to go through this big of a spiritual test. Not having a loving mother or parents or family is a huge huge hit and especially if they work actively to destroy you. There is a Psalm that warns some will be setteth solitary in their families and it way it reads this will be the people who come into spiritual truth while the family is left in darkness.

      Psalm 68: A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.

      6 God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.

      I actually believe a stand against selfish narcissism, is a stand against evil in society. The two intertwine.

      I know I could have been destroyed by this family. The resultant depression, despair, no love, economic and health destruction, they almost got me lock stock and barrel, body and soul, but they didn't! Praise God. I know I have to pray and work to overcome the inner angst and what I inherited from them daily too. We are capable of love they are not. My sister and mother won't ever feel what I do even when it comes to a close friendship.

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    4. That is profound and very wise Maria. I love it. Kudos to those of us who are standing up and not getting sucked in. I have fought so hard all my life not to succumb.

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  78. yes so true about the feelings from friendship & from everything that is good & in unselfish gesture. For me nature mother earth is my mother i have always had such afinity with the earth the sea the animals. that is the beauty and in people the humble the ones who give when they do not even have...that even I did not appreciate fully until the realization of my huge loss and huge disadvantages of the life i was born into and ignorant of those disadvantages to a larger extent as the family picture is so cleverly falsified even to us i mean i only have now accepted that my father for instance lies so well such an enabler so disappointed at his true colours. Yes evil could be categorised as a sickness called narcissm those that sacrifice their own child for their own cover ups and destructive projections, We feel, ,,, and with that ability to feel we have more possible joy in life we did so want them there with us on this level too but they are not up to it im afraid we have to accept they are stuck. We need to understand it was the preception of a loving family we miss not the actual family as they are not a true loving family. I mean any niceness a child deprived of such will cling to that in hope but when the hope is given up as useless we grieve but after that & while still in that grieving stage which may be forever i don't know if it will go completly this pain but we have at least the right perception of what a true loving family is so we at least are in with a chance even if they are not able to realise and feel this. Pain is a feeling it hurts. To grow hurt is unavoidable, there is almost a beauty to pain although it can swallow us as well the beauty is in overcoming it i guess,

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  79. We need to understand it was the preception of a loving family we miss not the actual family as they are not a true loving family.
    Maria, you have so much wisdom and insight. Is this the insight that helped you become the target. I, too from a small child had that gift of insight and drive for truth and spark of light. I believe that may have been what may have caused me to be the target.
    Sometimes I think God made a big mistake putting me in that family. I still have no idea why in the bigger picture. Something to think about.

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  80. it was at age 5 i realised my parents had it wrong. that was when i asked my mother if my father was sorry he broke my arm. She said he had said sorry to God but then proceeded to tell my teacher and everyone else it was my fault he had broken my arm. she said to me 'sometimes white lies are ok' so it was a white lie she said about me being the problem or was it true i was the problem or course not but as a child i didn't know for sure. on an intellectual I knew they were wrong what they said about me & the physical abuse but at a core belief level I must of thought maybe I was the problem that I was somehow bad that I deserved that treatment. It affected the decisions I made growing up and also most of my adult life from this damage to my core self belief .So I did challenge them with my questions I guess also being the oldest child maybe a factor coping the worst of the parents demons but I would say there are scapegoats that are at any order of the birth line not just the oldest this happens to. So yes it is that we will not lie it is something I have always been strong on yet of course all humans do lie eg sickies at work not so important but in a relationhsip when I was younger yes I have lied ..but I would say compared to average I fall to the very low end of lies ever told truth is my strongest value I would say.

    I think being targeted starts off as an excuse for their own sins which are often subconscious passing on of abuse but as we rise against their lies that their targeting of us increases they are becoming more evil (as defined by S Peck)_as we become more of a threat to exposing them. So its us or them they are very relieved to see us leave or alienated from family.

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  81. re the bigger picture - all this energy all this pain - there has to be a bigger picture for this there has to be a purpose/ I really cannot wait to have that purpose clear myself as channeling this energy to a positive direction with visible benefits would make this pain of worth of value of reason, i am looking everyday for this & feel at times like if i don't get to do something with this energy soon i will have to go voleeter overseas to help a cause something like that, but i have my partner and dog here (& my child??) so im here dealing with this pain daily, i mean i know they are faulty ,,, i know their way is not god's way,,,, so why does it still hurt when i wake up and remember the truth of all of this ,,,,,ie the recovered memories of abuse from my mother,,,,& 'lucky' i am to have this verification of an abuse of clear verification that it is abuse it is the emotional abuse that without the other abuses to back it must leave some others here so much more unsure well believe it abuse is abuse its all the same. to even find this page at all means all of us here are scapegoats who else would do such a search on google but those in pain from being scapegoated, anyway any ideas on channelinig this energy this pain are most welcome particularity not just ways to release the pain but a way to do so in a way that benefits others,

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  82. I've read most of everyone's comments and still I cannot find anyone with a situation like mine. I'm adopted and I had a lot of problems as a teenager and I went into inpatient treatment for about a year when I was 19 and 20 and my parents were loving and supportive and good to me and always had my best interest at heart. My sister, also adopted never really got along with me well and not because I didn't want to but my parents always treated us the same and never showed favoritism. We moved around the world growing up and as I became an adult and began to build my life, my parents lovingly supported me through tough times all the way to where I became more successful than we hoped. Everyone loves my parents and my sister and I both adored them and always felt so grateful to have them. Everything they did for us was to help us have the best future possible until suddenly when I was about 30 or 31 my sister had children and though she struggled with drugs since she was a teenager she had never been treated and her addiction became a real danger and an issue which I simply could not ignore but which my parents and seemingly everyone else we know did not want to acknowledge at all. At this time I had worked hard and become someone who people respected and my parents were proud of and we had a strong and mutually respectful relationship but almost overnight I became the scapegoat and everyone hates me now including all of our friends and family, and my sister treats me with such hatred it frightens me. Actually we no longer speak because I had to call child services after I found out she was using heroin and my parents stopped talking to me because of it. over the last eight years my mother who is really the one in charge of this campaign has done some things that have been horrible and hurtful and cruel, and of course she tells everyone I'm crazy and I am a monster and everyone in my family is a victim and at the same time all of this was happening I became sick and disabled and now I have lost my ability to work, my family, my reputation, and literally everything I ever worked for and care about. I feel like if my family had been this way my whole life I could walk away, but my parents are wonderful when sane, and I miss them and I want them back so bad. Continued in a sec...

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    1. I find myself thinking immediately your sister is the narc in the midst and she has done a smear campaign against you to beat all smear campaigns. Her drug addiction is a red flag. It sounds like your parents since your sister was a teenager have become enablers of a drug addict and gotten dragged into the web and became more unhealthy as a result of it. Have you told your parents how you feel? You could write a letter though I will admit to you my own track record with those under the spell of narcissists is extremely poor. You could give them ONE MORE CHANCE to heal the relationship and then walk away free and clear. I attempted to strengthen a few before I left and went NC with many family members. Maybe your results will differ. It would be hard to have parents who were once loving who turned on you. This happened to me where Aunt Scapegoat even used to love me years ago and acouple others and my mother turned them against me. Your sister should not have blamed you for trying to protect your nieces or nephews. One thing I have noticed with narcissism and sociopathy, is a switch can go off in early adolescence and someone who showed maybe a few subtle signs is now full blown narc or sociopath. Her drug addiction of course will make her completely selfish as she throws everything away. I also wonder if she became the "favorite" for having children. I noticed I became a nobody in my family. I am so sorry you became sick and disabled. Is it something you can recover from?

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  83. I want back all the wonderful things I worked so hard for that they've taken from me. I have done everything I can from therapy and dragging them to it, to begging, to writing, I've done all I can think of, I have never given up, and I just watched it all fall apart in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do and I can't get through to my mom and my dad just follows her. My sister who is still an addict and has not had treatment is treated like a precious darling who deserves protection for me who just wants to get her help, and from herself so she never hits bottom and her children are not protected by the adults in her life. I have reached out to quite a few people that are family friends or therapists over the years and never had a response that was anything better than having the door slammed in my face or being completely ignored or shut out altogether. Even when we go to a therapist that is primarily mine, and who has claims to see everything I'm saying and believe what I'm telling him, as soon as they speak to my parents I'm back to having to convince them I didn't do anything again.I still haven't given up, though I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am virtually alone in the world now and feel hated by everyone and I've worked so hard to be successful and to move away from the stigma of having mental health problems and to be known for and respected for the person I am and quality of my character and I have earned the relationships and the reputation that I once had and they stole it. I feel like the last 20 years of my life never happened and all of the hard work and my achievements and the wonderful things that I earned have been just stolen like money from the bank and I cannot get it back. I can't get any one to help me and because I'm sick I just don't have the energy to help myself and I really just don't know what to do and I miss my parents and I miss having that love that I thought would always be there. All the time I hope I'm just having a nightmare that I will wake up from because this all seems so backwards and so wrong and I just cannot believe that this can happen to somebody who tries to be so decent and loving and good as me. If you knew how loving and supportive my parents have always been the change and what's happening would just shock you. After eight years I still can't believe it and I cry about it all the time. I even just emailed them and one of my therapists a link to this page begging them to please try to see that this is happening but I don't have any hope for that or for my life or future or for the next five minutes or 50 years. It will never get better and I will never feel love again or trust people like I did before. I loved my family and my parents more than words could ever describe and now there's nothing to hold me up or for me to hold onto in this world I which I face alone, unsupported, and on shaky ground.

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    1. Oh you did try writing them and attempting. I would say there is a point for your own mental health you should break away from trying to contact them.

      I am so sorry they threw you away for your sister. Don't try to help your sister anymore. It is her problem. you did your best and she did not want your help and well she will sink bottom. If she is a drug addict, and addicted to heroin, she can't last much longer. I don't mean to sound cold but those are the facts. Your parents will not have her as a daughter for very long.

      As they used to say on Intervention, the whole family is sick, you sound like the most mentally healthy one in the bunch as your sister got addicted and dragged your parents into the enabling spiral. So do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. your sister's sickness infected your parents basically. It sounds like you did everything you could to build a life and ended up with it torn down due to health problems.

      You know one thing I had to learn is we can't make people love us. I know my sister hates me, and all these people rejected and hated me because of smear campaigns. Some of these people used to love me too, like my sister and Aunt Scapegoat and others, and I know this can be an unbearable pain. For me it has never gone away. I felt like any love or affection I had was spat on. Aunt Scapegoat even told people she hated me after I became a Christian.

      My parents always hated me so I have not felt your special pain of having two loving parents turn on me, but I have had this happen in these other relationships. Sometimes one just has to cut bait. I sent a nephew a birthday card, email address and my physical address and know this will be the last one if I do not hear from him. I have not talked to him since 2012. He is 16 and old enough to use a computer. It doesn't take that much energy to write HI on a social website. I am old and sick enough I just don't want to chase people anymore and inside I am finally learning to protect myself from being hurt. I sent this letter knowing it would be the last try. As I wrote in this article you responded to my pain has been immense. This is the worse thing my mother ever did to me. I do not love some of the people who rejected me anymore. It dies with time. I know that sounds terrible.....:( but it is what happened in my case over the long haul. Have a door slammed in your face enough times, the heart breaks and heals and scars over.

      So your parents took your sister's side and totally cut you off? I hope you can find loving people. I get scared too, with trusting people but you can find close and loving friends and what I call "Found Families" in another article. At a certain point you have to give up going to the empty wells. If you are adopted too, have you considered looking for your birth family? This doesn't mean you would have instant love, and relationships would need to be built, but it is an option.

      http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/05/am-i-adopted-questions-of-my-origins.html

      Overall please take it from me, protect yourself. I am an old woman and spent too many years trying to get people to love me who didn't want to waste their time. I feel inner pain inside thinking if only I had enough money, if only I had been what they wanted, but even that is not the right way to think because it was their decision to reject me. I could not change it. We can't control people. Go and give your love and energy to people who want you. They are out there. I am Aspie and only have a few friends but would rather dedicate myself to those people then another minute on a heartless family. You did not deserve what happened to you.

      I will pray for you. I am sorry you feel so alone.

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  84. I found my birth family with my parents support and help years ago and in the middle of all of this my birth mother had sort of a breakdown and was really inappropriate and harassing with me and I responded pretty strongly and the whole family turned away from me even having a lawyer send a letter threatening to charge me with harassment if I contact them again which was insane since it was my birth mother who contacted me in the middle of the night probably drunk and being very inappropriate and refusing to respect my wish that she go away. literally every single person I ever cared about has turned away from me. I did find a website with someone who is a therapist and I wrote to her last night begging her to help me which I sent to my parents and my psychiatrist and my therapist here both of whom seem to not be able to stand up to my parents. I love my parents and I cannot just give them up. I know that at heart they love me but they just are not thinking straight right now and also to give up my parents would be to give up hope of fixing the relationships that they've taken from me and that would mean spending the rest of my life with the pain that is so intense and invasive that I'm not so sure my life will be a happy one. I worked really hard to overcome a lot of my own problems when I was a young person and I became an independent and successful adult with a really great grasp on how to handle the world and get along with people and I just I'm not prepared to choose to have an obstacle like this challenge me and bring me down the rest of my life. I don't think I'll give up trying until my parents are dead. Otherwise I would be choosing to suffer the rest of my life and as long as there's hope I can't walk away. As far as my sister goes I am no longer in touch with her because I called child services on them when my parents cut ties with me and I felt someone needed to keep an eye on them if I couldn't and of course everyone has viewed that as a terrible offense that they didn't deserve and which will prevent them from being able to live a normal life as my dad says which no one seems to get they weren't doing already, and which they love to describe as being very traumatic for the children as if being raised by a heroin addict isn't. This entire time I have known that my choices were to suffer abuse and try possibly without success to repair these relationships or to give up my family altogether and neither of those options are fair or ones I want to have to choose from. But I'm a fighter and I never give up hope as long as there's a chance that I can succeed in whatever my goal is. I tried to walk away and lasted about a month but my parents were wonderful and I feel they could be that way again if someone would be willing to give it to them straight. And you are correct. I am the most grounded and mentally healthy one in this family. I certainly had enough therapy in my life and I am very good at dealing with things and facing whatever most people would rather not.i'm really sorry that you were never loved by your parents and reading stories from people about that is just heartbreaking and really brings me to tears. I could never know that somebody was alone like I am and we are and allow it to happen no matter what.

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  85. Did your birth mother have a mental health history? I wonder if smear campaigns were used by your adoptive mother on your birth family. What did the birth mother say she was angry about? I am curious what are the therapists telling you? Have they told you to go no contact? Are they making excuses for the treatment you have gotten from your abusive parents? I went through this too where I was told to RECONCILE on my first NC.

    I may say something that may shock you....

    People don't slam the door in the face of people they love. People don't treat people like dirt who they love.

    It took me some time to get this, because I had the world tell me my parents loved me. I even got this recent before I went NC with another relative. Do people trash people they love?

    I say they do not love them.

    And facing the reality of this can be hard. When you face that wall of "I WAS NOT LOVED".

    I am guessing you are far younger then me, I too was in that place of thinking "Oh they love me, they just do not know how to show it properly", making excuses for my own abuse!

    I want you to know I worked for 20 plus years on BAD relationships. All the energy went one way. All the trying to 'work' things out. All the wanting to please. All the wishing they would notice I was alive, or talk things out.

    cointinuing....

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    1. You are in that trap now thinking if you just say or do the "right" thing, they will come to your aid, talk to you and cure your suffering. To be frank it is sickening they are angry that someone was trying to protect children from a drug addict. I am curious which way did the CPS rule, that she was unfit? Why didn't they keep your call anonymous? They are supposed to you know.

      I tried everything too. [well my resources were extreme low so visits were limited though I did live within 70 miles of my mother from 1999 on]

      I ended the OVERT abuse, where they insulted me to my face, or mocked me

      When I became a Christian I even "forgave" for the childhood abuses wanting a new slate. Thinking if I was a kind enough daughter, and nice to my relatives they would love me and want me around even with the personality differences.

      There were years this kind of thing expanded out to the rest of my life. People pleasing, going begging to people who didn't really want me around. The Aspie and fat rejection made it very hard. Coming across as too needy. Putting up with crap from very toxic people including a college friend who would act annoyed every time I showed up even with huge expanses of time between contact. [I should write about this relationship sometime]. Me expending so much energy wanting to be liked, loved and cared about.

      It's a waste of time. The people in the mix, they will not change. If anything your "need" will be something that annoys them even more. The narcs and sociopaths will drink the pain of your tears. Perhaps your sister is doing so now. Your parents may be decent people you can play a waiting game on if you choose but they definitely got suckered in by your sister. Maybe your best bet is to hold back and cut contact for some time, making no attempts to contact and then step back in once that sister has shot her last speedball and is dead in the streets. Then your parents will face that they have lost two daughters and if they have any conscience will wake up. I was watching a Drugs Inc show where they said the life span of a heroin addict was about 3 years with full blown use and no rehab time.

      It seems like you cared more about their adoptive grandchildren then they did.

      One thing, we are put in a position of between a rock and a hard place. Stay and take abuse and rejection, kneeling before abusers or pleading with rejecters, or walking away--no contact. Yes there is pain in no contact. I am looking at a lost inheritance, and realizing I have no voice among the nieces and nephews as they can spread their poison even further around me. My husband helped me feel better about things saying they were cutting me off anyway, more year by year and this is true. If people throw you away, we can't do anything about it. It hurts US to go to the EMPTY wells and go BEGGING. I hurt myself far too long with these people doing this. {Even recently I was trying to make a good relationship with Aunt Confused and trying to write letters to a niece who will write back and nephew who seems like he won't so for him this will be the last attempt}

      I have some positive memories even of the Flying Monkey's who ditched me in the trash and threw me away from my mother. Aunt Scapegoat, Aunt Confused, and others including Aunt Denial and various cousins and others they kept me from especially on my father's side of the family. But if people ditch you even if we dream of those "positive" interactions, it has to be a two way street. No more begging for me.

      continuing...

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    2. Sorry this is so long. LOL

      The fact of the matter is, when I found out about the ACON world and what victims of narcissists had faced, whole crowds of people and families being turned against an ACON, was not unknown. My mother is so subtle and "GOOD" at utterly destroying reputations, and people in how they look to others, I had absolutely no chance. This blog is my "defense", but I'm not going "begging" to any of them. I have no family either and my mother made this so. I saw her destroy others, and the constant litany of how various scapegoats were scum. The fact is your sister probably pulled this off, maybe your parents could even be covert narcissists, I don't know. You definitely need a therapist who is awake to the reality of evil and narcissistic abuse. I am praying for you. Please think about what I have said, "DO NOT GO BEGGING.

      I am 500lbs plus, an Aspie, nearly deaf, poor as dirt, an old woman--basically a mess, I cling to the rocks above homelessness and destitution and I have real friends in this world who love me, you can find them too. Don't waste another minute on these people. If you choose try one last letter, draw a boundary and confront them. I confronted my mother before I made the final walk out the door. Tell them they chose enabling a drug addict over loving their other daughter. God loves you too. These narcs lead others to reject us.

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    3. Correction for above, I ended the overt abuse, but the covert continued and when I was not careful or when I was vulnerable, the OVERT would come raging out of the closet.

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    4. OMG you are so right on with this:
      People don't slam the door in the face of people they love. People don't treat people like dirt who they love.
      Do people trash people they love?
      NO! NO! NO!

      It took me some time to get this, because I had the world tell me my parents loved me.
      And facing the reality of this can be hard. When you face that wall of "I WAS NOT LOVED".

      I too was in that place of thinking "Oh they love me, they just do not know how to show it properly", making excuses for my own abuse!

      Me too 500lb! I had everyone tell me how much I was loved, even my abusers. So I believed that was love. And I believed then there must be something very faulty in my perceptions because it did not feel loving to me. And me too, would make excuses for them. But mostly I believed that There was somthing faulty in me.
      But of course that is what they wanted me to believe. So they could look good. While they abuse and trash andreject me. Then they accuse me of alienating myself from the family. EXCUSE me?? No it was them who ostracized me from the family. Them who made p stuff n their minds to justify it.

      SOOO freaking twisted.

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    5. oh yes i had that too where my daughter would say but mum they love you they are not rejecting you, They outright lie to her but she has caught my mother out already lying but my brothers sisters etc they are fooled to a certain poiint and the rest of it is how they have actually become themselves, it has traumatized me knowing my daughter be in their company how they put me down in their voices of 'concern' to her but not once contact me except to say never welcome for the rest of my living days ....your a looser your mad i have tried everything ,,,, i mean it was for my brothers child i reported but my mother was weaving her 'string of lies' about me all these years so i have since found out before all of this happened ,,,, now all the comments from other family make sense ,,,i know now what she was saying me the problem etc.. mothers can occupy the most controlling position in the family. I found the only best way to get the truth to the younger ones is to remain as cool as possible, not react which is hard as we are most likely sensitive reactive from the damage done to us by the narcissist & can not withstand the onslought of cruelity from them to face a family function even if invited and most important always remind ourselves of the truth .. that we do not deserve this treatment, that we have love in our hearts and would not treat them or anyone as such that they lie we do not that we will make a stand to protect others etc or what ever the situation maybe i mean there is right and wrong, good and evil its clear we are not on the same side as they are.. and i tell you people the church community etc think my family is just lovely especially my mother and so so did i think that too.....not fully but never did i realise what i now know. it was such a disappointment to realsie that even my father lies and forsakes me, ... i did so hope the integrity i thought he had was real ,,,,its not, i feel the grieving for them is moving along now ,,,as can't be do sad about what never really was anyway,

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  86. It is more confusing for a child (adult child included) that has been treated well but also been unfairly treated to recover. Sometimes a child that has only been treated bad handles it all better as they do not know what they didn't have. For some of us the love is given but then taken as a control. Perhaps the love given that you remember as growing up was really only ever given in control and that you didn't break the 'rules'. Perhpas your concept of love is yet to be fully realsied. The love we are given is all we know that is what we equate as love. A family that is given and then taken is not a family in true sense of family love. hence a explanation for your sister's addiction issues. Also explanation for why your parents will not explore or deny her addiction as it would cast a light on their sins or one of them with the other enabling. it is not unusual for one child only to cop the worst of the parent's abuse it can be subtle to a child most do not remember this 'conditioning' that occurs the damage can be done in one sentence but more likely repeated occurrences at a young age emotional abuse is hard to identify. your parents are acting in a guilty fashion by throwing you away - the face of truth/reality is not welcome and will not be tolerated in a dysfunctional family system. they are acting in a dysfunctional way so how can it be that they were loving parents. maybe you have not lost what you think you have lost. maybe your story is not so different after all but that the abuse was covert - evil is very hard to identify and the most common disguise of evil is the pretence of love - S Peck. something like 99% or close to of those with addictions are from abuse to them as children. Not an exuse to have an addiction but it is the reason most of the time. It took me almost 50years to see this in my own life that i was abused on an emotional level by my controlling manipulative mother (abuse can be phsyical sexual emotional or all three or just one and the only one of these 3 that can exist on its own is the emotional abuse as the other 2 by default are also emotional abuse )- the love i felt from her was a feeling that i thought was love, but to her it was a way to control becuase she does not know that control is not love. by them thrownig you away gives you the opportunity to realsie feel and give love in true sense of what love is. Its taken me 2 years of being rejected trying for meetings, writing, pleading everything as you say you have done – nothing will work because the reason is the same. Your family of origin is dysfunctional it has the symptoms (addiction) and it operates in the same way (rejction, abondonment, blaming, refusal to address issues, sacrificing one of their own) as a dysfunctional family. Your story is very much the same. This pain we have from this unfair treatment has a silver lining and realsiing what that silver lining is is the beauty because then we can go get it and give it. Pssobly the only thing that would make them think twice is seeing you liviing an example of what real love is by creating that in your own life. Don't let their tretment of you destroy you any longer. You have an ability to be more than what they are capbalbe of . And you were not scared to stand up against what was wrong. That makes you very different to them and you deserve to be enjoying being with those in world like that as well.

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    1. Thanks for your words to Elizabeth, Maria. I think examining the "love" too is a good idea. I had ignorers from the start but many ACONs have engulfers who give them a false love. I think the confusion there can be worse, I know mine hated and rejected me early on but some of the narcs will engulf, show a false "love", I want you to be with me...etc but it is really about control. Maybe Elizabeth can reexamine this, how did their "love" turn so easily to rejection? I hope she can find love in other people in her life. I don't want to see a young person waste as many years as I did, trying to win the love of hateful people.

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  87. oh sorry reread your first post and that you also had addiciton issues reinforces that things were not 'loving family you thought you had. the percentage of children that block abuse to them in their mind is staggering and it is a real pheonoman i say this based on scientific research and also on my own recovered memories - a child's mind splits off the truama out of necessity to survivie as the reality is too painful. I feel your sister is also a victim of abuse and a slave to her vices to deal with it To take love from you by doing that in itself is a full sign that its not real love, love is only given if you stick to the 'rules' usually set by the one who did the original crimes. regardless love cannot be given and then taken like that in a loving family somone is not cast out for what you did. and the feeling of love that you now miss is most likely missed because up until now that is all the love you have known, so real love is more and better and real.

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  88. also the ones iin life with empathy and such care for others pains we are empathetic because we know on a deep level what it is to have such pain. and feel how terrible it must be for the person to be having such pain be treated so bad yet there is no need to wonder because we already know but have blocked those memories. we wouldn't be so empathetic otherwise we wouldn't understand the pain, it is lucky in fact that i remembered otherwise i would not have such a clear abuse indicator, it is much harder without the abuse memory to go on - we think we have a loving family and then take it so bad to be rejected, The truth will set you free Alice Miller

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    1. Yes, seeing them as a "loving" family thinking this is normal. Hey I had the mounds of presents at Christmas, and spent years in confusing, wondering why I felt so horrible, being told "oh it's a loving family!. One of my last visits to my mother's house, Aunt Denial, said "Oh we have such a loving caring family!" I wondered what I was missing and wanted to vomit right there. Many put on the show of being loving while hating. This is part of the games they play and desperate to grab on to whatever crumb of love is dropped, they can draw us into their web even deeper.

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  89. sorry me again - to add that when it comes to them poisoning extended family against you specifically the younger ones coming through that is cruel and unfair but that these younger ones will grow up and let it be that they find you as a person liviing a life of love and happiness - don't let the poisoning of your name become you - prove them wrong by example, put the energy that way and of course we can control our own future to some huge degree by our own postive thoughts we can't change or control theirs. influence by example. you are right. they are wrong, prove it to them that way by example so the younger ones see the truth of you for themselves and make up their own minds, then the pain will have been worth it for a postive future in their lives as well as you having created a life you will be happy with more than you think possible now. everyday is an opportunity we can't know what good yet will come but to have the right concept of what love is and sticking to that concept will reduce the chance of wasting time on those that don't understand real love

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    1. Some of my advice, don't wait around though for the younger ones to get a clue. Mine seem totally controlled. There is one who writes me and maybe there is a chance there, but I see it far flung as my mother was very kind to her and even had her visit for three weeks, right after I went NC. This was the first time ever she had visited that long. I didn't have much chance to "prove" myself as they kept them away from me. It was all so hard but don't get in that trap of trying to win people over too much.

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  90. oh one last thiing yet again i was rejected for reporting to police reporting same as you, i reported for concern for child my niece in part time care of my mother. i had at that time remembered sexual abuse from my mother, it was non contact sexual abuse but i blocked it fully for most my life, it was damaging to me it affected me looking back at my life then i turned to drugs as a teenager. was i right to report? yes. is that why my family hate me? yes so our stories are in fact similar in why we have been rejected ie for reporting, but if no one will listen to our concerns what choice did we have? ignore it? we did the right thing, we are paying for doing the right thing, it is not fair. but we did the right thing. we can stand strong with that knowleadge, we did what was right, if they can't see that ..... then they are not the people you would want in charge of any children you may have now are they??? so don't worry that you are no longer in their family. it is a farce,

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    1. You both did the right thing and are unlike your families in willing to do the right thing. People who love children seek to protect them from abuse. These sick families don't even care about protecting young ones. You are right the family is a farce if they don't even care about protecting little children. Heroin addicts would destroy a child. They are in danger of even severe neglect such as when the heroin addict goes on a bender, and is nodding out for days.

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  91. Your words are so right on. thank you for posting this and your blog. What an awesome legacy. what an amazing way to turn this ugliness into something beautiful that helps others.

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  92. Thanks Purejoy. I appreciate your words. I hope I can make use of all the horrible things in some good way.
    Yes all the betraying bystanders told me over and over what great people my parents were and how much they loved me. Even the ones I told about the abuse. I had this happening with two of them even as I walked out the door. They were also seen as loving while I was seen as hateful. Yes I was trapped in the same trap as you purejoy. So many telling me I was mean ungrateful daughter because they saw the outer appearance, the presents, the "showtime". I too was accused of alienating the family and that it was my fault all of them rejected me. There was no way to win. When I look back, I was hated all the time through, even during the periods of better success, such as when my husband was an assistant editor and got a book published or even the earlier years when I was an art teacher.

    It was twisted. I may have no family soon, none at all. Even the few ones I have contact with given me a pit in my stomach, all the letters are written to me in the way that they say as little as possible. You know people who write you 'politely' but won't let you in. They know I am the outcast, they are afraid to say anything. I am tired of trying if that makes sense even with them.

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  93. I wrote this too yesterday applying to the topics here.

    http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/11/dont-go-to-empty-wells.html

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  94. in my situation one of they younger ones is my own child and that is too much for me to bear to not fight for her to know the truth although at this time i have to not discuss it with her but we are building back our relationship based on now times. we are putting the discussion on long term hold and enjoying the now, even though she has abused me based on their example and influence of them about me she does not abuse me now, i was not surviving having to give up on her too. i understand you say it is not much chance with the younger ones and that to put energy that way is more hurt to us. but when it is your own child and she is the only family left and so long as she is not abusive then i am acceptiing a relationship with her at this point on the terms of no discussion about family,Ironically things are better with her and i than ever before ever since i have separated clearly from the family i think it shows that i disagree fully with what they say about me, you see before when it was said behnid my back i had no way to defend myself to her i didn't realise the damage my mother had been doings saying all this time i mean there were hints it was happening but they covered their tracks quickly and pacified me with outright lies when i questioned them about comments my child had said they said about me, i underrstand how hard it is the fear of more rejection from these people that influence others that we love as well and that it is safer & often necessary to withdraw completely. but the fears we have which are real fears based on their treatment of us are part of the damage they have caused to us, so to be able to stand strong and not withdraw would be ideal so as to not miss out on remainder of family if given opportunity to be involved. i couldn't do that 2 years ago as my brother had to invite me to his wedding even though it was clear i was not welcome and of course i couldn't bear to experience their cruelty to me and didbt' go. however now i could deal with it, however now i am not invited to anything beccause i didn't go to that wedding if you know what i mean how it all operates, my mother knew i couldn't go unless she put the word out i was forgiven for whatever crime i had done to her, she knew that all along, she has the control but not fully over my child, and i will not withdraw from the fight for my child to know the truth and to be involved in her life because of my mother's evil. even though i can't bring it up with my child at this time i aim for her to fully realsie the truth by seeing me having contact with me and seeing me live my life well, that is the only choice i feel i have and i have received the only family love in 2 years these last few weeks from her via a couple of genuine hugs - so i guess its a choice to make but i do understand going no contact with the whole lot of them in most instances as the best decision to make. how they pull the strings on the perceptions remainder family have about us the control they have is incredible and real we not imaging this,

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  95. I have tried to read all the responses, and all of it evokes such pain! However, at 66, almost 67.....and after 50 years (or more) of the abuse of a malignant narcissist mother....and after 4 years of NC....there are two things I know now: One, is they don't get better with age (mine is 94) and we DO get better with NC! NC saved my life! It gave me space to find me, and to get back to my creativity and PEACE...which is what narcissists and the narcissistic foos rob you of.

    And....we have to give the middle finger to those people who say: "But this is your FAMILY". Hell no. They have never been family. The NM goes on to turn the GC into narcissists to do her bidding in life and planning to do the same AFTER her death. So in a very important way, Narcissists NEVER die. But we can walk away. I tell people who don't know me that my family is all dead. My father died 25 years ago and he was the only parent that loved me. My brothers??? just like her: corrupted by her example.

    Going NC is hard at first...until you realize that you are exercising a freedom you never had. You have no idea what benefits it will bring, but you have to stick in there for a couple of years before you get your feet under you. Since I have gone NC, I have published two more books, (she said I would never be published, I was no writer...but I am more than a writer: I am a poet, and that is something she just can't stand!)

    She was an ex-ballet teacher, with bad over muscled calves (think piano legs) and she would always disdain me because of my weight. But you know what? I had a very distorted view of myself. I was never heavy, just chunky around the waist. And a cousin who "had wrists like sticks...so beautiful...(in her words) was one of the biggest cocaine users around. Hah! Take a reality check, Bitch of a mother. LOL!

    My family is my father's side...and my husband's. Not perfect, but not narcissists at all. Plain people. And it is a blessing to know them, something she kept us from because she didn't like them...they were 'immigrants'.
    Narcissism is poison in so many ways...but IF we keep walking....If we seek the therapy when we need it....if we understand that our potential is NEVER tied up with these evil/corrupt and rather stupid people....we will come out of the fog of our lives and become what we were meant to be. And they have nothing to do with our success as human beings.

    Love, Lady Nyo

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    1. Amen Lady Nyo....And....we have to give the middle finger to those people who say: "But this is your FAMILY". Hell no. They have never been family. The NM goes on to turn the GC into narcissists to do her bidding in life

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  96. I am having to fight suicidal feelings alot lately because of the fact that they are furious that I am still alive.

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    1. Please call someone for help if you need too. You are no contact right? I will pray for you. I wanted to write you but lost your email. Can you send it to me via my profile? I know mine are furious I am still out there kicking.

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    2. Vicki don't give them that victory we are placed into these horrible families for a reason that may not be clear at this time but just because they are faulty and cannot appreciate and love you as they should does not define who you are and it does not mean they are at all right they simply are not and can say that without even knowing you because all children are born into this world with inherent good in them, what goes wrong is how we are treated but we can choose to become bad like them or identify and believe in our own goodness and we don't need them to do it. If you want to friend me on facebook i use my real name here maria binnie and country is NZ

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