Monday, October 7, 2013

When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family



[cite for all pictures-This Charming Charlie]

At every job I used to have pre-disability life, I always managed to find one friend or ally usually in the mix if I was there long enough and it wasn't a temp job. Every organization, club or church I have been a part of, I usually ended up with a couple of friends. And in my case, I don't just have pals though everyone has those but real friends I can talk about anything with.  Sure I'm shy to a few people but my social fortunes were far poorer among those I was related to.

Today I am asking how did I not end up with so few allies in my entire family? Inside there is a painful part, that says, "your whole family hated you and had little to do with you as possible, what's wrong with you?"

From the start, I was treated like an outsider. This was the scapegoating process in the narcissistic world. Sometimes it can be painful to hear people talk about their cousins, aunts, uncles, children, step-children, grand-nieces, and grandparents. I am now without one relative in my life. I never really had no family when it got right down to it.

My mother controls so many of them. Since I went no contact, not one has to tried and contact me except via her direction. No one wrote an email [they have it] and no one tried to write me via a social website.  Only two contacted me via her direction on the exact same day and wrote the words she wanted them to write. It was easy to tell.  Dry one-liners which in my sister's case screamed, "Mom told me to send this!" No whiff of any apologies or concern or anything else. No unscripted messages. It was kind of like dying ahead of time, and you walk into your own funeral or memorial service, and realizing not one relative has shown up. A big part of my going NC, was realizing impeding illness and possible shortage of time here on earth wasn't changing anything. Years ago I made too many excuses for relatives not showing up in hospitals when I was so sick except for my husband. 

Not one of the 16-23 people I walked away from, even though they know I have serious life threatening health conditions asked, "Are you all right?". I have gotten far more care from churches and organizations and clubs I have been a part of then my own supposed "family".

 Yes, they should be ashamed of themselves.  I spent too many years like Charlie here, until I found love via my husband and friends:



How does one function when their own family hated and rejected them? The worse thing my mother ever did to me  was taking other people away from me and destroying my relationships with them because they cared most about keeping her pleased and fearing her.  This happened via the result of smear campaigns, and forcing me into a role, I later rejected. My mother bonds with people by putting others down, and a smear campaign is when things are distorted and manipulated to get people to think badly of you.  The below experience as described by another ACON in her rejecting family,  got extreme for me by the way. Everything was about pleasing the queen while I was chopped liver,  some of the relatives would ask me questions like "Do you think your mother likes me"?

"I, for example, had an “over-active imagination” and while the phrase “drama queen” had yet to be invented, that was the gist of how NM painted me to the family. In a situation in which numerous motives might be at work, NM always selected the worst possible one for me, regardless of what was truly going on in my mind. Over a period of years a picture of me was formed in the minds of family members who rarely saw me and when they did, the reality of me was overshadowed by the picture in their minds.
 When NMs do this, it sets the stage for later predations. If everybody “knows” how bad you are, they have no empathy for you even though you are a small child. They feel bad for your poor mother and admire her courage and bravery in continuing to deal with you and even love you despite your awfulness. Cousins ignore, disdain and/or bully you. It becomes a habit to hate you, a habit to blame you, a habit that becomes entrenched and unquestioned after so many years, and it spreads from one family member to the next like a disease." [link]
 This sums things up. Everything revolved around her. Nothing she said about me was questioned. For me the bad way the family looked at me spread like a disease too. Some relatives would change on a dime once she had a visit with them or saw them more. There was one point I even said to  my siblings, "Can we Have our OWN relationships"? By the way this is not unknown in the narcissistic world, it is known that narcissistic mothers via triangulation and manipulative ways destroy relationships, especially between the chosen scapegoat and others. I think this happened in the extreme with me and it cost me the entire family.

When one thinks about mankind, I wonder if this is the microcosm of toxic families that shows the macrocosm of why in the world, so many sociopathic dictators rule who seek to destroy those who are good, or creative or have another voice or who stand for truth. In other words why do folks like Stalin and Hitler rule the roost, and get others do their evil bidding? If anything in this fallen world, the more evil a leader, the more control they seem to gain. This was true of my mother. Her power was complete.

 I don't know everything my mother told my other relatives about me, but whatever it was it was bad. One thing I did notice was the constant invalidation, that no matter what I did or said, it did not matter. Even if one family member agreed with me or backed me up even for the slightest second and that was rare, she seemed to always make sure that this would end no matter how petty of a matter it was. Any rebellion was quashed and any alliance with me, was to be thwarted.  I have heard her tell people directly, I was not important, and not worth the bother. Imagine people listening to this for years and years?

Before I went NC, I caught some of this stuff in action, she told my brother not to visit me last fall because it would be "too much trouble". I had not seen that brother in 4-5 years. He went to go visit her and followed her directions.  She told a cousin, I was silly and stupid to stand up for my personal beliefs, this was the family gathering where she actually emailed everyone a list of topics no one was allowed to discuss and he went along with her even though at first he had agreed with me. That was yet another betrayal. She has the money, presents and fancy dinners to give them, I do not.

One part of my going NC, was realizing I did not want to be the forever scapegoat, the person that mattered not, where my forever role among these people seemed to be "fat, poor, loser" and nothing else. By the way, they know about the endocrine disorders and the mild Aspergers, it made not one whit of difference. There was no give or take on the health problems and how I was finding travel far more difficult. I haven't even seen friends in my old town 150 miles away due to the limitations of funds and health now to make the trip. Sitting in a car with severe lymphedema is a different matter then the average person. Many were just flat out mean, including one uncle who on a social website, who would insult the poor knowing of my economic struggles.

It was sad to see the growing subservience over the years among the clan. If the Queen didn't like you, then others realized this, and to stay in her good graces they would avoid you, and at least not want to become close to you. This basically sums up, why I ended up where I did. She totally ruled the roost. One way she totally ruled, is she always came first when it came to visits or anything else. The light was shined on her, while I stood to the side in darkness.

Until I found ACON boards and read how this happens with these severe personality disorders, the malignant narcissists have the extreme talent to isolate the scapegoats,  for years I questioned how did this happen? I blamed myself for far too long. At least now I know.


It's scary how I tried so hard over so many years to work on relationships that were a dead end. Trying to write letters to this one aunt, only to be ignored. Sending one aunt a painting I did, and a box of  gifts only to have her throw it into the bottom of the closet and have it get water damaged. By the way she was the scapegoat of the last generation, and I will write about her soon too. She was no ally, she allowed herself to be crushed into nothing by these people and served as a warning.

Trying to call another who never called back. Inviting cousins and others to visit only to be ignored. Visiting people out of state even during years I was at extremely high weights and had breathing issues, timing those visits for non- housebound times, swelling up in the car for hundreds of miles {I was limited to trips that took one day to get there and back with some hours to visit} and never having anyone return the favor. No one calling, the immediate members of the family calling at the level of the bare minimum, the not being invited to weddings, and parties and other family events, or being set up not to show up with others like my sister refusing to share their plans, it all added up. I tried too hard too long. I got the feeling over the years, that duty and appearances were the only things keeping the head matriarch even bothering with me.

What is weird is how much I tried to approach them and tried to take an interest in them as people while they took none in me. I told them, I felt bad about how I lacked the money and finances to visit as much as I wanted--I did push myself body and otherwise to visit as much as I could. Part of this was even informing them, that I haven't even seen one of my favorite places on earth my old small town, in more then two years. I would invite them to visit, and I live in a place that is popular, with plenty to do.  For years when I lived in my remote rural town, I thought that was why no one visited, but really it was more, because when I moved to where I live now, I moved smack dab in the middle of my mother and sister who live 300-400 miles apart and off the highway they use, and that changed NOTHING as they visited each other for years and weeks at a time. My mother would drive thousands of miles to go out of state, hundreds to go visit others. She never misses a family event and is there for everyone to see which limited my role even more as a nobody within the family while she waged her smear campaigns against me. She considered me unimportant and the others at her direction jumped on the bandwagon.

I live 75 miles away and only saw her TWICE at my home in the last 6 years, once for an hour on my birthday when she happened to be on the way home from somewhere else, and for the 2 minute present drop off of last year. Yes, that told me what a low priority I had become among many other things.

The family was a clique and I was not in it. Most of them were 6 figures rich, I am not talking ordinary middle class types but ones who could afford a new car every two years, who owned second homes, who flew to China for business, who had massive weddings, that cost tens of thousands of dollars. Sadly though in my family, only what you DID matter not who you WERE, and all achievements were measured by the dollar signs, not by any other criteria. Volunteer work, community projects, artistic ventures did not count.

There is a divide now in the family between the upper middle class types and the few poor ones that remain. The upper class ones see themselves as extremely superior to the poor ones. They look down from mountain tops. The sad thing? Well most of the poor ones have accepted their place, I supposed they consider me uppity for not doing so and not worshipping them because of their greater money. If you do not become who they want and do not conform, you are called a loser and a failure. I grew up hearing very bad things said about cousins, aunts and uncles who did not acquire a certain income, "that one is a drunk, that one is lazy, that one is no good!" Ironically even some of the ones on their knees before the Queen were maligned all the time, but they never would believe that was happening when I told them!

One thing I read on many psychology websites, was that when Scapegoats "fight back" and are no longer willing receptacles of abuse, they are closed out. Around my 20s, I stood up against the overt abuse enough for this to begin happening. Imagine your mother is the leader of a clique and you're the rejected nerd girl, in the junior high school slam book. Thus was my life with my family. I wasn't getting invited to parties, talked to. None of the relatives ever shared any of their real selves with me, or got deeper then a cashier at a gas station. I hope and pray one day, I find out I am not really related to any of them but if I am, I lost the DNA Lotto on multiple levels.

Yes I had to give up and walk away. This scapegoat quit, and walked away from the doors slammed in her face and those who didn't even "see" her. I pray everyday that my nieces and nephews become different people who stand up for themselves and care about and love people the right way. I pray at least a few "rebel" against the family system and "come out of it". I am growing stronger since going NC, and realizing I am somebody to other people and to God. No more being a nobody to pedestrian people with no emotions who don't really care about anyone else but themselves.


Post script: I have been able to reconnect with a few cousins and one other relative who were always kind to me.


86 comments:

  1. Of all the things NP do, robbing their child of all other family members-- by conscripting them, lying about the child, using money as leverage--is by far the most evil, IMO. To turn all FOO members against the scapegoat is an inhuman thing for a parent to do to a child. Gah. Of course you had to walk away. And most people will never know how long you tried to alter reality in your head to make it really "your fault," so as to find a way back in, before realizing that there was no way back in because they don't want you there. If you can survive that knowledge, you can get better. I am slowly doing it, after a thirty year struggle with the reality of my parents' narcissism.

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    1. I totally agree. It is taking me years and years to to let go of the twisted reality and begin to trust myself. But those thoughts do creep in and kick me in the butt.

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  2. I think this is the most evil thing she did, robbing me of the rest of the family. I tried to fight against it, really I did, but she had things set up, so I always looked like the "negative" and "complaining" party while she came to visit everyone else with a smile on her face, with presents in hand. There was no way to "win", so 5 months ago yes as you see, I walked away. Agree so much about the attempts to make things right in my own head and trying to "fix it all" and realizing it was futile. I spent a year before I went NC trying to see if one ally could be retained. I told both siblings about the narcissism, and one admitted my mother has no real affection or feelings but said, "You are only making things harder on yourself!" and basically told me to get back in line. The N sis ignored it and I had to admit to myself her lack of attachment to other human beings and emotions meant she had basically turned into my mother. One thing I kept thinking as I went NC, "You must give up, it is not going to get better, you have to walk through that door!" Thanks :)

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  3. It's no easy thing to walk through that door. Most ACoNs reach the point of desperation, of intolerable cognitive dissonance, before cutting contact with toxic FOOs. That you have to do so with NO support from any of them makes it worse. But you will be saner for it in the long run, and eventually their emotional importance will recede. It won't ever go away I don't think--but the relationship to it changes. at least for me.

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  4. Oh the cognitive dissonance is horrible, you think thoughts like "How can you walk away from your entire family?" but then have to face the facts about the treatment and abuse. I knew even years ago, I always felt BAD around them, all of them. The head matriarch had it set up, where the disrespect was ingrained among them, and nothing I said or did would matter. Add in the fact she was always around them, and I was far away lacking money or health to visit very often. I have to admit I am sad that I ended up with no one, and she "won" them all over including the other side of the family which invited her to a wedding and not me. There is some major pain for me to have walked away like this, and the only responses among 23 people were scripted and directed by her. I think I will be saner for it in the long run. It's better to deal with the truth and face it rather then live in a bubble of delusion, hoping against hope to have any respect and love from people who have none. I am glad things got better for you and their emotional importance receded.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    I've only recently started to become aware that I've been scapegoated by my mother and one of my sisters my entire life. But like your experience, everyone in my family has now ostracized by my entire family. I've suffered from depression most of my life, have had a few breakdowns where I've needed to be hospitalised. I've attempted suicide. I don't get invited to family occasions (like my mother's recent 80th). I wrote to one of my sisters a while ago and put my hand out in friendship so we could at least start fresh. I got the most horrible response, she was happy with things the way they were but would like to continue seeing my son. Her husband contacted me and said that he was embarrassed by the letter, by being at the 80th and said that he couldn't believe all my siblings were justifying my not being there. It’s an intentional infliction of emotional distress. I find out about events via my son's facebook account.

    A family legacy of destruction continues by scapegoating and isolating a designated “enemy”. I occupy this role. It’s a pattern which has been repeated over the years, and is passively condoned by others in the family who look the other way.

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  6. Thanks. Anon I am sorry you have been scapegoated your entire life. I am sorry your own family is ostracized. I have faced bad ostracization, while the others are close and visit each other, no one wants anything to do with me, the narcissists set it up, so you are deemed "unworthy" by their standards and unlikeable. This kind of thing does lead to serious depression. I know it's been a struggle for me all my life. I get disinvited or they make sure to hold events during times I am housebound [the middle of July or January/December. No one ever helps me get anywhere, aka they'll drive a mile within my apt but not offer a ride or anything else. That is so sad you were not invited to your mother's 80th birthday, and trust me I relate. Mine had parties and events I never heard about. Sometimes I would get an invitation for appearances, or show up at one I found out about but it was never that happy for me. I would be ignored always for everyone else, pushed and shunted aside. Be careful with the sister, and your son. I know too many people who have lost children to narcissistic family members who influence them to reject even their own parents--this can happen especially in young adult hood and if they have money. It is an intentional infliction of emotional distress, do not forget that. I will never understand this. I've been thrown away as the "enemy" too. The passive bystanders I see as just as responsible. I only have contact with a couple cousins right now, but have to be careful even with them, it's very light contact. One thing my N mother managed too was turning everyone into a stranger, they didn't even want to know me anymore. I will pray for you and am sorry you are going through this pain too.

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    1. How do you deal with everyone turning against you? What does it mean to you? How do you survive?

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  7. I just found your blog today after going no contact with a family member. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I had found you earlier but I likely had to let go of the dysfunctional relationship to find healthier people.

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  8. Thanks Carmen. I am glad you were able to let go of your own dysfunctional relationships. I know it is not easy and I hope my story can help others.

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  9. After reading so many of the comments here, I guess I'm still shocked and bewildered that others have experienced the same scapegoating techniques that I have. Everyone here has a good quote to remember, something to help you when you are down. It has become apparent to me that my family is a special kind of cruel. Although I have not informed people I am going low contact, I know they know something is going on. I have been reading other scapegoating discussions and eerily still find how bewildering all of our experiences are. How can we come from different families, yet have similar stories of neglect, abuse, backstabbing and betrayal? I would like to know from your experiences, what happens to the scapegoat once they actually leave the dysfunction behind? Will there be phone calls from the siblings and relatives trying to find out information? Will there be silence? Is it possible for a Narc Mom to change back and forth from engulfing to ignoring during this distancing?

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    1. I was ostracized for NO reason (I was the scapegoat) and never contacted again it has been years by my whole family including nephews and nieces who I was nice to. The whole family ostracized me for good and my father disowned me. I did NOTHING to deserve that. They did a lot of bad things including sexual and severe emotional abuse. I paid for their evil.

      Its very hard. I guess every family is different but that was in my case.

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    2. I have LC with the few cousins and others that noticed I was alive but that is the exceptions to the rule. The narcs have a way of turning people against you even overtly or in a subtle fashion where they figure trying to be close to you isn't worth the cost. I think about all the times I reached out only to get a door slammed in my face. I am sorry you went through so much abuse. It is horrible isn't it? I will pray for you. With the younger members sadly the evil narcs train them to abuse the scapegoat too.

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  10. I am sorry you have gone through this. I agree about the feeling of the special feeling of cruel. I am not sure what happens to the scapegoat since I am only 6 and half months into this, but others who have gone NC for years have said they achieved healing and more peace of mind. It has shocked me how much of the same stories of neglect, abuse, backstabbing occur among acons, of course I blamed my obesity for a lot of what happened to me but have realized what happened to me went way beyond that because the stories of thin or average sized neurotypical [non-Aspie] match mine. I suppose these personality disorders all operate from the same MO and affect people in the same way. In my case my NC brought...

    1. Silence from most. They are afraid to talk about things. My NM kept my departure secret.

    2. Some hoovering with cards. Only few phone calls at start.

    3. I am LC with a few, but they are so afraid of retribution from the matriarch, they are saying as little as possible about my NC.

    4. Some relief.

    5. My self esteem has increased. I was talking to my home nurse today about what happened to me, and she asked has your self esteem gotten better? I have thrown off the burden of trying to please the unpleasable.

    6. I still get cards from GC Nsis, they are very generic types, no personal comments, like postcard with children's pictures on it.

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  11. Has anyone learned what could possibly be said about one to bring about the ostracization of an ENTIRE family? I'm taking Dad, uncle, aunt, cousins... Please share if you have any ideas. I am at a complete loss...

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  12. simple. Narcissistic smear campaigns combined with long distances, lack of travel money for some on BOTH sides and severe health problems on the end of one party. Actually NC with a narcissist will improve these relationships and has with some massively.

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  13. I have very much lived this. The deep hatred from them has been there for a long time and the others would stand up for my abuser and gang up with her as well. I have had a few friends of mine open up about their experiences with her. My spouse had told me that every time that I was out of the room, they would attack me and say horrible things about me. She even went so far to hurl false accusations at me in order to break my family up cause she believes I have no rights to anything. Then the rest of "her" family would follow suit and attack me, when I was never present. Another friend strongly believes that all of what they have said was deeply uncalled for and it made them look bad, in his eyes. So I sort of have a rough idea as to what may have been said to "her entire family".

    It hurts not having relatives (the grief is a major loss) but I would far rather be an orphan than to endure the extreme dysfunction from my family of origin. Right now, I deeply fear my life because of all the false allegations and the trouble that it can make. I would love to change my name but, I can't because my ex is very close to my abuser and he wilfully demands that "his" child see his grandma. I don't want my child around that woman and I get accused of being selfish, only caring about myself and taking out a grudge on his ex mother in law by using a child...... it gets twisted. My oldest now brings up or tryst to guilt trip me that I'm not in contact with the FOO.

    I have a younger child that is completely protected away from my abuser and she is safe. Not like my oldest girl, who is still exposed to the abuser. She would be the type to even turn my children against me.

    My abuser has also turned some of my ex boyfriends against me by disclosing every single thing about my life. There was no disclosure and no privacy. My whole live or whatever that was shared with her was all on display. I talked with her many times to know that it was not just me that she spoke ill of, it was her stepsons, that she wished were dead from their lives. She was abusive to others in the family as well. Though with her you best, she made as a favorite and would do anything for. Always spoke highly of her because the favorite was an exact extension of herself.
    ; but in her eyes better. The baby of the family has a rich husband and a very nice house. She is extremely stylish and as a fancy wardrobe and a dew hundred friends.

    Some insights is that the baby is living the life that my abusive mother wanted so much to live, (her dream life) but instead she became pregnant with me during her teenage years. Deeply resentful that her young life was tragically taken away and an very unwelcome burden heaped upon her life. Though she had a choice to get an abortion, let family raise the baby or give it up for adoption.

    She decided to keep the baby, yet I'm not sure if this was forced on her or what. All I know is that she never wanted to be a mom and she hated children very much. She ended up marrying my biological father who then was extremely abusive to her, her son and me. Her first husband cheated on her and left one Christmas eve, after that she lost to will to be a parent. She grieved the loss of her son going to live with his dad. Men became one of the most important quests in her life and would leave me with my grandparents.

    The silver lining was I did have allies. My grandparents became my mom and dad and my oldest uncle as well.

    It has been over a year since "her" entire family stormed out of my life. I have had to look at the circumstance and situation surrounding the origins of my life and the dynamics into to start to heal.

    This is rather long windowed but I felt compelled to share and to give some insights into why some mothers are like this......

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  14. Inside an introverted World, I am so sorry you have faced this. It is not easy. The deep hatred is sometimes inexplicable isn't it? I had a few cousins and my brother who still seemed to have some affection for me, but I have to be careful with them because they have contact with her. I think of the years worth of lies and the constant put downs. There was a time in my 20s, where I seemed to be gaining some allies in the family but I lost as time passed, and I was forced to move away farther for jobs and try and survive and faced other challenges, so guess who they saw more of because she had money to travel and see them and buy gifts far more often. I am glad your spouse told you what happened and how they trashed you. I would hear about the trashing from other people and indirectly and in my case, she would wait for me to be alone. With my spouse they didn't even try it, probably fearing what he would say.


    Breaking your family up is uncalled for and starting lies about you. That is terrible. I have heard of narcs doing that and worse to people. For me there was no mercy either, the rest of the family started to view me the say way she did, and the sway and influence she has over the entire family is scary, I suspect this happened with you too. Before I went NC, I was figuring out some things that were said. I had no money to make it to grandmother's funeral, [needed at least $300 for the gas there and every source of money by then was tapped out via husband's lay offs] and was very sick. They knew I was broke, but I am sure the story was I didn't care about the grandmother or didn't want to be there. She told one aunt that I did not want to attend a wedding, the one I was disinvited to. They can sow poison not even in overt "She is horrible ways" but in more covert, and when that faucet drips for YEARS and you live hundreds of miles from said relatives and see them at most 1-2 times a year it can go really bad. I haven't seen many of them now in 7-8 years. Yes it hurts not having relatives. A few of the ones I even asked, "How come you don't visit or try to have anything to do with me?" and it's excuse city. I know in my heart many of them are so afraid of her or having her think badly of me, that she influenced them to hold me at a distance and have as little to do with me as possible. Those are some of the dynamics that narcs can set up to you know...

    continuing...

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  15. I already know in my ways I am an orphan but its better to even be alone rather then be abused and try and find close friends in one's community to be a family. I have good friends in my life who really serve that role. One friend who died, I consider my surrogate mother.

    I would take precautions considering their false allegations. Maybe send a letter to a trusted friend, signed and dated and notarized about what could happen, and then if they try anything you will have some evidence that you feared these false accusations at one point.

    I hope you can change your name, maybe you can when your child turns 18. One thing when children are involved I have seen narc families many times turn the children against the parent that went NC. I have seen and heard about this happening even later as they enter adulthood. I am glad your younger child is away from the abuser and feel bad for the oldest girl. I would tell her the truth if she is old enough to handle it, about the abuser and what happened to you. Even if this fails, it may work in the long run too especially if she picks up on things. One way these narcs will operate is turn children against the parents. I never had children but I could have seen me open to such things if I had ever had them especially if the narc or abusers can hold out presents and money to "buy" the young people.
    It looks like your abuser crossed many boundaries. I find it creepy how my NM is friends with exwives that are not blood related. . Actual FRIENDS. Suppose yours leaves no stone unturned either.

    The ones with money they will kiss up to. That is nothing new to me either regarding your baby sister. It sounds like your mother does resent you and getting pregnant young which is not your fault whatsoever. I am not sure why mine resents me as I was second born in an otherwise intact marriage and she had a child after me. If she put you aside to date and neglected you as a child that is wrong. Thank goodness you had those kind grandparents as allies. I had one kind aunt but she died young and the scapegoat was my friend at the start but turned against me. I know it is hard to fathom why so many mothers end up like this. One thing with your birth being young, that may not have changed things, if she was a narcissist, she may have still chosen you to reject even if you had come later or did not come unplanned. Take care and thanks for sharing with me.

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  16. I am so glad and thanks for your blog. Being the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family is very painful and then being shun and ostracized is just incredibly painful it happened to me too.
    My intrusive thoughts are a torment every day. I wish you the best and I am glad you are sorting it out it is NOT you is THEM who are worthless.
    I know I feel worthless but have no reason for it. The reason is that I was the scapegoat hence groomed to feel that way.

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  17. Yes this is all very painful, I think some of the worse pain someone can face. I understand the intrustive thoughts, I have to work myself on avoiding them. I hope for the best for you too. They groomed us to feel this way, but now that we know that, healing can come.

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  18. Thank you to each person for verbalizing your experience, I relate some with nearly each story. I have been searching within, praying, I have gone through therapies—they all say “nothing’s wrong with you.”, yet, why am I feeling ostracized? This evil has not been healed yet in my consciousness. I understand the psychological mechanisms that drive this unreasonable defect of rejection, but I do not know how to heal it, how to stop suffering from it, and what gem it holds for my own soul growth—once I know that, I feel certain I will not experience the feeling of rejection anymore.

    At times, a hope is renewed. Recently, after 15+ years of receiving one of my sisters at my house more than once every year, watching her chummy up with either my mother, my other sister, or even my husband, I entertain hopes. I wait. And wait. And wait. Like Horton the Elephant. Always being nice. Anyway. Rendering good for evil. I show her the beauty of where I live, something she would not have discovered by herself. Then, I do likewise with our other sister. Nothing seems to change towards me, though, the closeness isn’t there. I still do not feel loved.

    Yet, they all acknowledge I’m loving, warm, hospitable, generous, intelligent, strong, kind, giving…but I continue feeling ostracized, rejected, excluded.

    I make friends easily too…but, like many of you have mentioned, it is painful to feel excluded from your blood family and not take it personally! I will continue to hope and pray, to grow and be patient. In the meanwhile, one of my sister had a son; he was born on the same birth date as I am. As she raises him to adulthood, she discovers things about me too, for we have a similar temperament, her son and I, my nephew and I. Patience, a revered author I know says, will have her perfect work. I keep on trusting there’s a reason for this, perhaps is it at a soul level I cannot see…for more than me…

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  19. Thank you to each person for verbalizing your experience, I relate some with nearly each story. I have been searching within, praying, I have gone through therapies—they all say “nothing’s wrong with you.”, yet, why am I feeling ostracized? This evil has not been healed yet in my consciousness. I understand the psychological mechanisms that drive this unreasonable defect of rejection, but I do not know how to heal it, how to stop suffering from it, and what gem it holds for my own soul growth—once I know that, I feel certain I will not experience the feeling of rejection anymore.

    At times, a hope is renewed. Recently, after 15+ years of receiving one of my sisters at my house more than once every year, watching her chummy up with either my mother, my other sister, or even my husband, I entertain hopes. I wait. And wait. And wait. Like Horton the Elephant. Always being nice. Anyway. Rendering good for evil. I show her the beauty of where I live, something she would not have discovered by herself. Then, I do likewise with our other sister. Nothing seems to change towards me, though, the closeness isn’t there. I still do not feel loved.

    Yet, they all acknowledge I’m loving, warm, hospitable, generous, intelligent, strong, kind, giving…but I continue feeling ostracized, rejected, excluded.

    I make friends easily too…but, like many of you have mentioned, it is painful to feel excluded from your blood family and not take it personally! I will continue to hope and pray, to grow and be patient. In the meanwhile, one of my sister had a son; he was born on the same birth date as I am. As she raises him to adulthood, she discovers things about me too, for we have a similar temperament, her son and I, my nephew and I. Patience, a revered author I know says, will have her perfect work. I keep on trusting there’s a reason for this, perhaps is it at a soul level I cannot see…for more than me…

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  20. i need help please.... iv gradually lost everyone except my baby daughter(20yrs old), to my sister... i knew cutting her from my life would cause some to give up on me (simply for there own peace and survival).... but to make sure my mom is cared for properly im torn...

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    1. Is your mother the one supposedly taking care of your mother? How far is your mother. If you know of any abuse or neglect, I would call the local Adult Protective Services, they can send someone to check. If you want to help set up care, there are local Agencies on Aging. Who holds the medical power of attorney? I know narc siblings will play massive games with ill parents. Did your mother walk away from you when you cut your sister from your life? I am glad you have your daughter.

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    2. oops correction is your sister the one supposedly taking care of your mother?

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  21. Wow, I am completely amaised to find til blog. I had no idea so many people were going throug the excact same thing as me. It helps to know that for some reason. So it is not me it is them. This is just so painful.

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    1. I feel for anyone who has gone through this too. It is an incredible loss. Everyone in this world deserves a kind and loving family where they feel apart of things. I have been dealing with my lipedema diagnosis and thinking of how much of the rejection they gave me for "severe obesity" was never right. I hope things will turn out for you and will pray for you.

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  22. It is incredible how so many stories sound identical to mine. It means so much to know you are not alone.

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    1. It helped me a lot finding other blogs where people shared their stories of narcisstic or sociopathic families. I am glad I was able to help you too, and I know finding the ACON world online helped me feel a lot less alone too. My prayers for you tol.

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    2. Thanks for sharing

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    3. Hello, it is good when some other people seem to have similar experiences. How can you live, when you lose all, and opportunities for better life, happiness, for people who did not deserve anything, as it is obvious and you are unhappy, in a life that was being manipulated by malicious people?

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  23. I can relate my mother is a neurotic passive aggressive personality disorder as is my sister and my father and brother are narcisstic controllers. They crushed me between them. I was told I wasn't a planned pregnancy, my mother was disappointed to tell my father that she'd had another girl, ashamed at the 10 month age gap between my sister and I. This lesson didn't stop her from aborting the next child. She was emotionally manipulative, my father physically abusive both of them mentally abusive. When I started to speak up for myself they turned the whole family against me except for my cousin who has suffered the same from her mother. I miss my niece and nephew most, I brought them up from babies, my sister used the same technique as my mother threatened to kill herself. I would look after the children while she drank and smoked in the garden. Once they got older and I confronted her over her behaviour and my concern for the children she stopped me seeing them. Broke my heart. I have been out of the loop just over two years. Insanely I still love them, they send me a birthday card, no message inside completely blank. Drives me nuts. I need a clean break. They still manage to slither into my life.

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  24. I can relate my mother is a neurotic passive aggressive personality disorder as is my sister and my father and brother are narcisstic controllers. They crushed me between them. I was told I wasn't a planned pregnancy, my mother was disappointed to tell my father that she'd had another girl, ashamed at the 10 month age gap between my sister and I. This lesson didn't stop her from aborting the next child. She was emotionally manipulative, my father physically abusive both of them mentally abusive. When I started to speak up for myself they turned the whole family against me except for my cousin who has suffered the same from her mother. I miss my niece and nephew most, I brought them up from babies, my sister used the same technique as my mother threatened to kill herself. I would look after the children while she drank and smoked in the garden. Once they got older and I confronted her over her behaviour and my concern for the children she stopped me seeing them. Broke my heart. I have been out of the loop just over two years. Insanely I still love them, they send me a birthday card, no message inside completely blank. Drives me nuts. I need a clean break. They still manage to slither into my life.

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    1. That is horrible what you have deal with anon. That is horrible what your mother did aborting one of your siblings and it sounds like they were all very abusive, and sorry you too had the family turned against you. Do you think the niece and nephew would talk to you once they hit 18? I know I have to be careful with my own nieces and nephews not to be disappointed. I am sending emails to one, but I am not a real part of their life. A blank birthday card is pyscho, that sums up what they are there. I hope you can get a clean break.

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  25. This is describing my entire life. My parents are gone now, my mother being the catalyst of cruelty, but it continues through my siblings. The pain is unbearable as I watch families in church. I went to my niece's wedding last weekend to be purposely left out of the "family" photos - oh we forgot to tell you. There's only four of us? I ended up marrying people like that, just to be beaten down continuously throughout life. Raised my children alone, no grandparents or aunts/uncles who cared. A life of intense pain and nowhere to go. Without a family you are lost.

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  26. I had that thought too Anon, that even when my mother is gone, there is still my Narcissistic/Sociopathic sister, sitting there waiting to abuse and destroy. Yes church is very hard. I am in a new church now and watching all the close families and thinking, "Why not me?" My family hates my religion even. Yes mine played tricks to leave me out of photos and even once almost left fiancé now husband out til I threw a fit, why did I have to fight for every little crumb. I hope your children are good to you, and sorry you had no other family members. You are right without a family it is very very hard. I will pray for both you and last anon. The narcs set up our rejection and so many following willingly never questions. I guess we can see how the politicians got so rotten with all these blind followers.

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  27. An excellent article on scapegoating. I think it is very common for people who have been bullied and scapegoated to try to win the approval of the bullies. There is this self-doubt because they spew so much hatred at us and when we see the bully being more civil towards others it is easy to think, "what's wrong with me". But if you look closely, you'll see the other people are afraid of the bullying scapegoaters. They tip-toe around and are grateful that the bully isn't targeting them.

    I was scapegoated in my family too. In my case, my father announced that I was the favourite though and then proceeded to scapegoat me. Being called the favourite turned my siblings against me even though I was being treated cruelly. My father was a brute. He was so violent and disrespectful to me and I believe he tried to kill me. I truly believe he wanted me dead to collect life insurance. I had these accidents around him where I almost died. And instead of him showing concern when I survived, he was visibly upset that I wasn't dead! By the grace of God I got away from him. But it took a longer time to heal because scapegoats do end up getting scapegoated in other settings because we take things too personally (it must be my fault) and we give bullies our undivided attention as we try to win their favour. Not anymore thanks.

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    1. Thanks Anon. I know many of the scapegoated struggle with self doubt. Yes one's whole mind set becomes what's wrong with me and you feel even lower as you see entire groups of people turne against you. I had the people in the family who would secretly side with me but always tip-toed around and never defended me to my mother or father. They worried about being the target. It sounds like your father said you were the favorite but just said it as a lie and to abuse you. That is horrible how he treated you and being a kid, you probably were too scared to ell anyone. I am glad you got away from him. I know we don't learn subtle social lessons of survival. I am trying to avoid the bullies now, and avoid being "too sensitive" in many settings, while still holding to boundaries.

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  28. Me too. the pain is some days unbearable. My mother she has taken my whole family my dad sisters brothers even my 23yr old daughter - they ar eall her puppets. I was physically abused by father blamed whole life for it by my mother who even told my child that it was my fault my dad broke my arm age 5! im 48yrs now and in nov 2012 i had memories return of my mother sexually abusing me. she said if i make noise she take whole family. i reportted for care of niece in mother's care. so she took them all even my child who also attacked me i miscarried from her punches. i never abused my girl. i just some days i am just not the same anymore happiness is rare now. i would like to meet others in NZ that are also without family for support and to create a family group for xmas birthdays etc... as no one can understand this pain unless it happens to them. so please contact me anyone in NZ email to mariabinnie@xtra.co.nz i'd love to hear from you.

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  29. I am sorry your mother stole even your daughter, that is very common where they will turn even grown children against people. That is sick she said it was your fault your father broke our arm. I am glad you were brave enough to try and protect your niece. Your daughter punched you and you miscarried? :( I hope you are keeping away from them all. I will pray for you that is very painful. I hope you can find a family group in NZ. I am in the USA but hope maybe you can find some kind people. Be cautious who you do meet, meet in public etc, but I hope you can find other understanding people. I've had to look for "other families". I will pray for you.

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  30. It's heartbreaking reading what you've gone through and continue to suffer at the hands of your so called families, how sick they are. But I think you should feel proud, happy and relieved that you escaped and are nothing like them, because that's the reason you've been scapegoated in the first place, you're normal and they're not! For that reason don't waste another moment of your precious life thinking about them, I know that's easier said than done, but if you do it means they've won and on no account can you let that happen. It is and always will be that they don't deserve you in their life and not the other way around. Stay strong and go for it, you deserve the best now. Love and best wishes xxx

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  31. I cut off contact with my NM! She did the same things turning family against me ect.....I knew by age 5 I was unwanted by her! I moved away when I got legal age and never looked back! She tried to get me fired from jobs in another state by calling them, roommates, church people, other relatives (who have been her minions). When my Dad passed away they told me I was invited to the funeral but it would be delayed 2 weeks so everyone could fly in....5 days went by no word...I called to find out they already had the funeral!!!!! They thought it was funny!!! Yep, I am so done with them...I tell people my parents are gone and I have 1 sibling! Not 5! I travel the world, am well educated, have kids and hubby of my own, live far from them and I love God! My life is orphaned but happy! I came to find out alot of bad things were happening in the family I was so shocked! I would never choose such garbage to hang out with in the first place. They hated my Aunt too NM kept calling asking "Is she Dead Yet" refused to hold her hand when my cousins needed her there! Sick! I must have gotten the good DNA I am totally loving! Garbage is people who love to hurt others for no reason especially! Go to the light and make your life happy it is a gift from God! Be happy it is you he entrusted with this hard trial and not some other poor soul that would loose the battle! Job like trials are a complement from God! Live your life in total joy and love other's in the world who need and give love! There are so many good people out there relations don't make people good for you or kind. Love those who do good to others....never waste a moment God gave you he knew this would happen...trust him! He trusted you with this big trial go for it! God gave you life not her! She is a wasted soul before her maker to try and destroy her own child! Count yourself lucky.....I do! No family drama life is good! You are worth all God's blessings so focus on him...not the adversary! Go light your soul with so much love and touch others along the way! We all love you here! You keep up the good work! God bless you all!

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    1. I need to reply to you because my situation so similar, but have AGAIN become to depressed to even talk about it.

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  32. My Mother died one and a half years ago. I thought it would all stop but instead my eldest sister has taken her role and she is worse than my Mother could have ever been. I cannot believe how cruel she is to me and now that she rules the roust, the rest of siblings and my Father in my opinion have ganged up against me. I recognise nearly all of the situations that other people have written here. I have been in such denial all my life. Been constantly told to keep the piece when I tried to stand up for myself. It took another breakdown last year and finally seeing a therapist that I even heard of the word scapegoat. When I read about it I cried for the first time in years...I did not cry when My Mother died and this also was held against me. Because I held so much pain inside me I also lost my voice. I was so sick last year and not one of them even picked the phone up to see how I was. All they were interested in was if I was able to do my duty in looking after my Father a few days a week. He is the only reason that I am still in touch with them. It costs me €130 a month in petrol and food which I cannot afford but it is expected to take care of him. I dread my duty days as all I get is abuse from him. Just the other week one of my sisters was home from the UK she comes every couple of months to give us a break for a weekend. I still have to go and do my duty, driving him around and bringing him his dinner. While I was driving and she was sitting in the back and him beside me in the passenger seat he started to scream at me to shut up. I got such a fright, she did and said nothing. She initiated another conversation and again he screamed at me to shut up, it happened and again, she was silent watching me being abused like nothing was happening...I felt like I was NOTHING. The manipulations and the lies are unbearable, I know they are talking behind my back by things I see on FB and the behaviour of them in my presence. I have never felt so alone in my life. They have ostracised me out of any family gatherings, my Mother's 1st anniversary gathering in the family home a few months ago was one of them, I was invited to the church but not the house. One of the things I am relieved about reading all of your stories, is that I am not alone in this awful situation, which give me some hope for my future and that I do have something to live for. I am still in denial and I have a lot of work to do to start accepting that I am a worth while human being and maybe one day I might be able to have at least one nights good sleep without the nightmares and the panic attacks or even to just get to sleep as I have gone three to four days even with pills without sleep. I try to do everything to stop my brain from thinking about it 24/7 but it is hard and I am always in a state of anxiety waiting for the next onslaught of abuse.

    Thank You to all of you who make me believe I am not mad...Ant

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  33. My Mother left our family in the night when I was 6 yrs old, my sister 5 and my baby brother was 2. She was in an abusive relationship with my Father and she was committed adultery (which she blames on my Dad). She remarried a man who was emotionally abusive. They divorced soon after she gave birth to a second child fathered by that man. This mother has turned all my family against me. She lies. My siblings are just like her. They all want to say I am the "bad apple." I have heard my mom talk terrible about my bio-sister with her two daughters (from second marriage). She has told me that those two daughters are "perfect." I am done with this dysfunction. They are very hurtful. Many of my siblings do not know me. They have not spent any time with me...yet, they seem to know all about me (???). This year, I started to stand up to verbal attacks from my mother and then from a brother-in-law who is influenced by a sister. When I started telling people that I was not putting up with it any more no one makes contact with me anymore. I am happy about that part...no more abuse in any form from family members. While it is sad that I don't have my family...the truth is that I don't want association with people who behave like this. I interact with families that don't have all the drama. It feels comfortable and safe to me to be with them. I know there will be a reckoning of sorts. I believe all the details of our lives are penned in Heaven. People will have to answer for the pain they have caused others. I try to be the BEST mom I can. I have many friends and extended family members. I am thankful for them and their unconditional love and support. Feels good. :)

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  34. Sick sick these peope are vile behind closed doors abuse their own flesh and blood would they treat their friends like that? If they have real friends! Iam a scape goated male of 44years and have just woken up to that fact! I feel anger and resentfull that my narc mother has used me as her scape goat all most my life and groomed my now deceaded father to see me as the problem there are parts of my child hood thats a blank? I was a shy quiet child my mother said when i was five or up until i was five years old i was biting other kids! My narc mother said that randomly at my golden child brothers birthday party last year! I feel like the out sider in so called family who never visit my property i have lived there nine years and can count on one hand how many visits i have had only on my forty birthday party two years later! But they expect me to visit them! Can any body explain why scape goats do not get visits but rest of family visit each other? God bless and remember they are the ones who are no good and seriously flawed and inhuman monsters wolves in sheeps clothing defective souls.

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    1. Hi Anonymous, I just saw your post and had to respond! I understand exactly what you mean about just waking up to the fact that you were scapegoated. I think I've known since I was a teenager but it was too painful to accept as the truth, so I kept trying to belong. I'm 39 now. I can't believe I've allowed this to make me miserable for so long. I'm getting counseling to help get past it, because I have no support from anyone otherwise. I have been wracking my brain for years trying to figure out why I keep attracting the same awful stuff in my life, and then I realized that what I am attracting is exactly how my family treats me. Since I have come to this realization, I want to learn how to stop attracting the same treatment from the world at large. I think that is the key to my growth and happiness.

      I wish I had an answer for you as to why family does not visit the scapegoat but visits each other. That is exactly why I have started no contact with my family again. I discovered that I was being avoided, excluded, etc. No one comes to my city and thinks, "Yay, I can't wait to see her!" They think, "How can I go to the city and avoid seeing her?" When my sisters lived here my mother was up here all the time. My family celebrates birthdays and no one even bothered to come here for my last birthday. My sister decided she was having a get together and I could go down there if I wanted. Bottom line is I'm not worth a trip up here (1.5 hours) -- that's what her actions said to me. Shortly after, I asked my parents to come and get me in the city so I can go down and spend time with them. I also asked if we could go out for a meal before leaving the city. My mother made every excuse not to come and told me that it was too long of a day for my father to drive up here and go out for a meal even though I would be driving them back. Then he was up here recently with another sister for a baseball game and dinner. Yeah. I should never have wasted two weeks of my life going down there. I'm not wanted. So, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I think the best we can do is build our own communities of people who truly care for us and respect us. I haven't been able to do that because, like I said, I keep attracting bad stuff. Hopefully, I will get to the bottom of it soon.

      I was also a shy, quiet child, but I was labeled as bad. Ridiculous!

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  35. I didn't realize anyone else went through this. Thank you so much for sharing this. It really helped me cope today. I was replaced by a new family scapegoat who shares even my name. Twisted. Best thing I ever did was walk away from this family.

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    1. I am glad I was able to help. Sorry they went after a new scapegoat. :( I am glad you were able to walk away. I often wonder who they will replace me with as the new scapegoat.

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  36. Are you on Facebook? It would mean a lot to finally connect to someone who understands me.

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    1. I don't share real name here. I am okay with you emailing me though. It is on my profile.

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  37. I am currently being scapegoated by my family. I have been scapegoated before when I was suffering with Depression but this time it is much worse. It started around Xmas when I set some boundaries with my oldest, very controlling sister.Since the new year I have not heard from my sister,only hearing about family functions that I am not invited to. Recently my adult son and daughter have minimal contact with me. I have tried to ask them what is wrong but get no response. At the same time I know that they are in contact with my sister. I have a fifteen month old grandson who I love dearly and I am afraid that my daughter will cut off my contact with him. It hurts so much and I have racked my brain to try to figure out why they are doing this. I feel increasingly depressed and afraid of becoming ill again. If this happens it would just reinforce the scapegoating. I don't know what to do!

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    1. I am sorry you have been scapegoated. It sounds like your sister is doing a smear campaign. I would contact your adult son and daughter on your own and write, please tell me what is wrong and I am afraid a relative lied about me. It sounds like your sister could be doing smear campaigns against you. I wish they would respond. Have you been scapegoated by other relatives such as parents and others. One thing I see happening to Acons with adult children is the narcissistic family system will turn even adult children against the older adult who is scapegoated. I never had children in my case. I hope you can get to the bottom of this. There is nothing wrong with trying to write them or talk to them about things and I hope you can see your grandson.

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    2. You are not alone. My husband's family did the same to me. I live near them and went overboard holding most of the family functions and paying for them as well. When I finally spoke up after 35 years of putting up with it, I was out. The painful thing was watching as they hurt my husband. The real eye opener was that all of my nieces and nephews trailed behind like the pied piper. It was crushing. Three phases of ostracizing - 1. Initial Realization that you are being ostracized 2. Coping - constantly trying or overcompensating just trying to fit in 3. Realization and moving on. This is a very dangerous practice in families. The realization for you when this happens is that you really don't want to try that hard for anyone to accept you. Love yourself and respect yourself more than that.

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  38. I understand and am sorry you were treated this way for so long. I have had similar experiences throughout my life.

    No one else as mentioned this here, that I've seen, so I wondered if anyone has problems acting out because of the scapegoating, giving their abusers fuel for their abuse. I would take the abuse, try to stand up for myself and make boundaries for as long as I could. Periodically I would just give up, blow up and lash out. Then they really could point to me and say I'm the crazy one. I don't think this will happen again because I have decided to just let them go. They don't hear me whether I'm rational or not.

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    1. Sorry you faced those things to anon. It is hard to deal with. I went through those cycles too. Calm peaceful discussions went no where. Writing letters went no where. Standing up for myself with regular voice tones went no where. Yelling and lashing out too went no where and they just would use it against me even though they screamed and cussed and fumed night and day and no one ever called them on it. I think you made the best choice.

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    2. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and I'm glad you were able to reconnect with some of your family. And I appreciate the reply. As you know it helps to know I'm not the only one.

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    3. To Five Hundred Pound Peep: I have experienced the exact same thing as you said, "Standing up for myself with regular voice tones went no where. Yelling and lashing out too went no where and they just would use it against me . . . " Standing up for myself is always judged negatively as is having life problems. I have taken care of three family members after surgeries. I have done so much, and I still get treated the same. It is so sad that so many of us experience the same thing.

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    4. To anonymous, yes, absolutely, this is exactly what happens to me. When I have an emotional outburst it's because I just can't take anymore, and it just provides further ammunition against me.

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    5. Sarah sorry you have even done caretaking and they treat you miserably. The scary thing with mine is they have no emotions, nothing touches them. I am sorry you get treated the same. They use everything against us.

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  39. Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you said here, and your mother sounds like mine. My mother has everyone under her control, and I somehow always get blamed for problems. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I also spent a great deal of my life ill. When I was 19, I was very sick, and family left me there alone. I could barely get out of bed and go to the bathroom without collapsing. I have tried everything and just this week have been considering no contact again. I have endured, tried, hoped, spoke out, tried no contact, returned again, and repeated. I just don't understand the unfair treatment. It is insane. I have just written a blog posting of my own. I hope people will make supportive comments. My posting is here: http://ohmygooseness.com/2014/08/09/dysfunctional-family-roles-the-scapegoat/

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    1. Hi Thanks for your blog, I read it and relate to so much. I left the Catholic church and am a born again Christian. I am also a INFP in my case but would test 100% percentile for being analytical, if I was stronger on the T I probably could have been a scientist. I am sorry you have spent so much of your life ill too. I hope you can go no contact, I know it is not an easy decision. I have had to turn to other ACONs myself and God of course to make it through and I have started jmy second year even. If they leave you alone when sick that is a sign you have to get away from them. Because if you are incapacitated they can take serious advantage or grab your guardianship. I will post on your blog too. Thanks so much.

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    2. Thanks for reading my posting! I know it's a long one. And it doesn't even scratch the surface. I find that when I realize the truth about the situation, I am hopeful and strong for a minute, but then I start to think that maybe it is me. Right now I'm going back and forth between thinking I'm right and thinking I'm wrong, but mostly thinking I'm right.

      What is ACON?

      When I was really sick in my teens and early 20 years, I was ignored and treated like I was making it up. Once I woke up having a hard time breathing. I called my parents in the middle of the night and my mother insisted that my boyfriend drive me to the hospital in their town instead of them meeting me in ours. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. I should have been rushed to the hospital where I was right away. Riding in a car for 45 minutes barely able to breath was a nightmare.

      I'm sure being able to identify with a community (Christian) is helpful to you. I have been trying so hard to fit in with my family and get their love and approval over the past five years that I am not making a community for myself where I live. This has to change. I've been getting counseling, so I'm on my way!

      Two years is great, and your analytical skills are an asset! Best of luck on your journey.

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    3. Be careful they do a number on our minds, telling us we are wrong and bad. I still wake up at this late age, thinking what in the hell did I do? I didn't do or choose any of this. I have been facing the facts of how severely ill I was and how the family worsened my illness and neglected me in the time of need. I almost lost my life in 1998 and 2001. There were almost direct repercussions of their abandonment and neglect. I can never trust them again. I went NC too based on the fact I was very sick with kidney disease last year and no one would visit or cared. So I was done. I am sorry you were sick too young. I hope you are better now. There is no way you should have been forced to endanger your life waiting to go to hospital. Mine would do things like that to me. Force visits when it was too cold for my lungs. I'd be wheezing and throwing up in her bathroom, and then I finally put foot down, I didn't want to die and I stayed housebound when it was too hard to breathe. The worse thing she ever did to me was telling people, I was a malingerer and making excuses as to why I couldn't travel in hot and cold weather. She had no empathy for severe COPD. She didn't even care that her GC almost has died of asthma but perhaps in my case, she hoped I'd kick off sooner then later. I was treated like I was making it up for years and now I am stage IV lipedema and could have had a far different life then if it had been caught in my teens.

      I am still alive because of God, and I have had very good churches, one kept me going in my old rural town. When I had to move away from them it was extremely painful. I have had to find communities and families where I live but one danger of those is they can be broken up so easily via forced American economic nomadism and of course people die and have other things happen too. I think you should seek out new communities and not even bother with the family. I have given up. I plan to go NC with an aunt very soon. I never got the pictures. I am planning the final confrontation on the phone.

      The sad thing is talking to people with no emotions, no empathy and no care is a waste of time. Don't waste time on your family. I have good friends that keep me going. Many are long distance but a few are not. Your life will be much better. You may have to process the grief and more of how your family treated you but no more indignity. How is your health now? ACON is Adult Child of Narcissist.

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    4. Hi Peep ;)
      Thank you for the lengthy response. Yes, I figured out the ACON acronym shortly after I posted! Mine is BPD.
      I actually had a friend recently who was an ACON and she could not understand the state of my life during our brief friendship (it was definitely one of the lowest points in my life) -- she ended up taking everything personally. I just could not be what she wanted me to be at the time. In addition, she displayed traces of narcissism herself. For instance, I had a job interview and she called me that evening to find out how it went. The thing is I didn't get to finish responding before she started talking about herself. She used to call me, talk really fast about herself, and abruptly end the call before I had a chance to say more than a line or two. She had problems listening to me at all. I keep attracting this stuff. When I didn't have anything to say about her relationship problems (because that is not my area of expertise!) she would rub in how other friends listened to her and made her feel better. It was nuts. I really didn't feel good in the friendship because of the way she acted and maybe that's why I just let go. Hanging out with her never made me feel very good. I always left feeling bad about myself because of the looks I would get, the eye rolling, being talked over, etc.
      I am sorry to hear about your health problems. Have you ever been to a naturopathic doctor? They work wonders! My health improved greatly when I went to a naturopath in 2011. She discovered the missing piece to my health issues -- neurotransmitter imbalances. I also have chronic adrenal fatigue. I'm really good right now, but the stuff with my family does aggravate the adrenal fatigue. I also know that growing up emotionally abused by your mother can cause the exact imbalances that I have. That is why I became so ill so young. The more I've improved myself mentally, emotionally, and academically, the better my health has become. I have to be very careful with the adrenal fatigue because I easily slip right back into the barely able to function mode. This usually happens when I get stuck in extremely stressful, depressing situations, like my last job. And my family situation!!
      Thank you for your words of support. I am so glad you have good friends and a good community. I do not. I keep meeting people who take from me, ignore me, treat me like I'm unimportant, etc., just like my family treats me. I am starting to learn that I need to stop being so nice and accommodating, because it is a recipe for getting used and abused. I thought being nice was a good thing! Guess not! The one great thing in my life is that I have a lot of professional friends who like me and believe in me.
      I understand exactly what you mean when you say you were called a "malingerer." My illness and life problems are used to further scapegoat me -- I am viewed as troubled, weak, and sick, which makes me appear like the source of all problems. Instead of getting support like other family members, I get kicked when I am down.

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    5. Sarah, I am sure BPD is not easy to deal with either ugh, The ACON friend could have what they call "fleas" or be a narc herself. If someone makes you feel bad, it is better to run far away. It does seem like she judged you and lacked empathy. Better to be away from all that.

      I did try naturopathic doctors, didn't get anywhere. Often lacked the funds, They didn't diagnose me properly either. LOL I study some herbs and stuff on my own. I have read on adrenal fatigue, and I do have diagnosed adrenal issues with the rest.
      I believe childabuse, ptsd and trauma definitely upsets the endocrine system. I am living proof of that. I hope things get better for you and you can have a good and healthy life, we have a lot of areas to work on. Yes be careful of abusive or stressing situations, like in the work world. I have friends but I have a life of a few close friends, I know what you mean about feeling like you are invisible and unimportant, lets just say narcissism is rampant in our society.


      Yes being nice and accommodating surrounded by narcs can make one a victim. Don't stop being nice but try and use it discerningly on those who will appreciate it. I am glad you have professional friends who like you. I have friends who like me too.

      You need to see what I am going to write today about disability and how the narcs treated me for it. I was not allowed to be sick and all health problems were ignored. I am going to write more intense article about this. I know you are not the source of all the problems, this is how they make scapegoats appear and how they destroy our relationships and more so thoroughly. Mine always kicked me when I was down. I am done being kicked.

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    6. Sarah,
      even after years of NC I am still tormented by the foybts snd the back snd forth maybe they are right and it is all in my imagination that all that happened and happened the way they say. But with everything I've read and know it is not me. But the twisted thoughts torment me anyway. It's what brought me here.

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  40. It's Sarah again. For some reason the comment box will not recognize my profile for this comment.

    Five hundred pound peep: The first step is acknowledging the problem, isn't it? Once we wrap our head around the truth, we can begin to heal. I commend you for sharing your story and for being able to move forward in your life.

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  41. Thanks so much Sarah. Sorry comment box had some quirks. I think we have to admit to ourselves what is really happening and it is not an easy process but one where healing lies. I just couldn't lie to myself anymore. I am glad it has helped you to share my story.

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  42. Laura, I had to take my name out of your comment, I keep the blog anonymous but forgot to tell you Thanks. :)


    *********, I'm sorry to know what your NM did to you. I know exactly what you are talking about. I grew up in a family that didn't like me, they barely tolerated me, both in the immediate as well as extended family. I was cast from conception as NM's scapegoat, but I didn't understand what was happening and how the feeling was spread to everyone with her lies and manipulation. My greatest blessing has come through my husband and the family we created together. Our family is far from perfect, but I have my own family that I'm part of and that means the world to me. More than anything, I wish everyone could experience that. *********, your challenges have been so great, with your health and with being ostracized by your family. You have a husband who loves and supports you and you would be wonderful parents, if you'd had the opportunity. Thank heaven you saw the light and got away from the rejection and abuse of your FOO. It is so senseless and heartbreaking, what is done by family on When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family

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  43. I am sorry Laura you were treated that way too. My family doesn't like me and barely tolerated me when I was around. My NM poisoned their minds against me and no one was like me in personality which is more evidence of adoption. Mine spread the feeling to everyone too and no matter what I said, it didn't matter. She had the money to give them presents and visit more. I was nobody and cast aside long ago. I was thinking about the memories I had the other day, even the two what I thought were "nicer" aunts would avoid talking to me, when the whole family was gathered together. I am glad you have your own family you are part of. I think I and husband would have been better off if we had been okay financially and had been able to have children, his own family died off so young too, with both parents dying in their 60s. I am glad I got away too. I think the whole mess is senseless and heatbreaking. She cost me so much.

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    1. I didn't understand the mistreatment by the extended family growing up, at all. To this day, my one and only girl cousin is closer to the other side, her dad's side. She and I are only a year apart and we could have been such good friends, but the wedge was in place from a very young age. Still, I have some fond memories of hanging out with her when we were young. We lived 3 houses apart for 5 years and as we grew, the distance became noticeable to me. Something else that would happen...she and I would go to sleep over at our maternal grandma's together. She would sleep in grandma's bed and I slept downstairs, in the basement. I only have one granddaughter, but would never do such a thing to her. I don't know if my cousin noticed the inequality. I just kind of accepted it. I was used to getting crumbs. It wasn't until years later that I realized what a load of crap that was.

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  44. Today I am having a bad day. I have tried to do all the things that keeps me away from them but they creep into my mind. It was my Mothers 1st anniversary last March. I was invited to the Mass and the graveyard even thorough I did not need an invite to do so. But they like to organise everything, I have learned it's a control thing with them. I only learned that there was a gathering in my Fathers House that evening. I was not only not invited but it was also kept a secret and the grand children were invited. I thought it would all stop when she passed but instead they all came at me all at once. At least when my Mother was alive she was at least a buffer from the rest as she liked to control me alone. It's been a free for all since and they have completely taken over my Dad. I have to look after my Dad a couple or three times a week depending on the week. I dread going there as I don't know what to expect. It is always without exception some put down from him. He is led and said by the two older Sisters. They control everything he does, says and thinks. He thinks it's a big joke to make me cry. He always has something bad to say to my husband as well and tries to put him down every time he gets and always in company. My Husband has taken his abuse because I have asked him not to say anything. It was my 25th wedding anniversary last June and I was not expecting a lot but what I got disgusted me and fill me saddens. I got €20 in a normal anniversary card...at least if my Mother was alive even she would not have done this to me. One of my sisters controls his money...I know for a fact that my other three sisters when it was their 25th got a few hundred, I would had preferred nothing at all but the €20 was a complete insult. I am in therapy as I had a breakdown from all the things they did to me after my Mother passed, too numerous to mention her but such awful things even taking and discarding the plants I put on my Mother's grave...I was told the wind blew them away twice. I have searched my soul and I am always the first to forgive but this time I just can't find it in me no matter how hard I try to forgive them. I am a spiritual person and when my Mam was sick in hospital she said she had a visitor and he was my friend. He was with her for about six weeks until she passed but no matter who tried to change her mind she insisted he was my friend. There is a very long story to this and other awful things happened but one of my sisters said I brought the Grimm Reaper to my Mother. How can I help who my Mother saw in her delusions??? I can see no way out as I will never gain any respect in my family...I am so sad...Ant

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    1. I hope your day gets better anon, I too have to work on them not creeping into my mind. I am kind of going down compartmentalization highway to control the creeping thoughts. I know it is hard. This blog helps me process things and I talk to friends but I know I am going to have to take some days to focus on other things after I write today just for my own sanity, some quiet time.

      Make sure you take care of yourself likewise. I will pray for you. I know what the disinvites feel like. Those things were done to me too. there are probably other narcs your mother passed the baton to in your family. Their passing away probably won't change the dynamics, a new narc ascends instead.
      You should not take care of someone who makes you cry and abuses you. That is a job you probably should give up if at all possible. Let them do the caretaking or call Agency on Aging and say your father needs care, and let the state take over.

      I think you should let your husband speak up for you and defend you too. It may shut him up and end the insults.

      Why are you the caretaker if other sister controls the money, let her finance the caretaking. Don't let them use guilt to have you take abuse.

      As for forgiveness and the wicked read this article:
      http://www.luke173ministries.org/466805

      I know I will never gain any respect in my family which is one main reason I am NC with almost 20 people.

      I hope and pray things go better for you.

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  45. Yes, yes, yes. No contact with my bio family for two years. Such freedom from abusive control is to be celebrated with joy. First year was hard, but afterward, I began to know myself in ways I never could have while the family controlled most everything for 42 years. It was my eldest sister who spent her life in a smear campaign against me. She told my sisters that I was a liar, an idiot and mentally ill.

    I could never understand their preconceived notions, I've never done drugs, alcohol or even missed an appointment:) I put myself through school, stayed married, bought a home, and did all those things without help from anyone but my husband. Her smear campaign is ongoing, she took any relationship I could have with my siblings away.

    Now she's quite ill and her quality of life is very poor. Seems to me its justification for a lifetime of hatred towards a sister who discovered what she has done. I forgive myself for caring about a family who only ever abused me. I thought it was normal.

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    1. I am glad you are free too. I have faced the horrors of realizing how deep the hatred goes and the smear campaigns go. You will see what I write today. I am glad you have gotten to know yourself more. We get more clarity when away from the fog and muck. I am sorry you had sisters get in the narc behavior too. They will judge and trash any scapegoat. I never did drugs, or drank or anything either but I am of the opinion they will trash a scapegoat no matter how well they do. Mine destroyed endless relationships and is working on the one I have brother. I am glad you have forgiven yourself it is a matter of learning different.

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    2. The creeping thoughts. The flashbacks. too much, too often going on for too long.

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  46. What a liberating read. I have experienced very similar energy in my family. I have always been quite the loner, and although the dynamics were set in place as the primary scapegoat at an early age, I found solace in discovering my life on my own terms. I guess deep down these roles played an intricate part of my well being, but I moved far away from this energy early in my life.

    Up until recently, when I found myself begining a family and had a desire to return to the family with the hopes of having a little house on the prairie life with everyone. As soon as I arrived, I was met with hostility, control, dominance. Being independent most of my life, I quickly rejected this energy, and stood up for myself, my wife, and my family. Standing my ground only intensified the negative energy, and ostracization soon followed, where no one was speaking to us. There was a period of push and pull, where on occassion they would display a small amount of interest, but that was soon followed by apathy, denial, and aggression. When I became frustrated, my frustration was used against me, and after a few year struggle to speak openly and honestly about the underlying issues, I simply had to disengage.

    I heart goes out to all of those on this blog and in the world that become entrapped in this energy their entire lives. The unfair treatment of a child to play a less worthy role in the relationship dynamics is devestating and destructive. Luckily for me, I wasn't engulfed in the games my entire life, although the pain and suffering I have experienced in a short amount of time being middle age is enough to last a lifetime. People try and judge you for walking away from your family, saying that it is your family, but there is no shame and in my opinion, no other option.

    No one should have to seek approval and love from a family member. We are not atm machines where those with low self esteem and narc personalities can withdrawal at their convenience. Stand up for yourself, set the boundaries, and if they are ignored, hopefully you can find solace in knowing you tried. My heart goes out to you all. This is a deep rooted abusive technique on so many levels, from individual to global. And it is our right to reject such treatment and fight for a healthy benevolent source of love.

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    1. Such healthy words. Thank you. Even though I have moved on I still find myself tortured by the thoughts that maybe I an wrong and there is still something else I need to do. OMG. I know I have to let that go.

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    2. I am tortured by those thoughts too. I tried everything and it all failed. None of them would listen to me. She managed to take away my whole family. I had to give up. But there is a void there. You ask yourself other people have families why not me?

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  47. I like that there are many comments here from people who grew up in outwardly "normal" families, as I, for so many years, believed mine to be. Like others here my own story has gone through many stages and my recognition of reality has been all too gradual. I think what has been most lastingly damaging to me has been the extent to which lies and pretense have been represented as truth and reality while truth and reality have been denied. I still struggle to know my actual failings from those imputed to me. I still have difficulty crediting myself for positive attributes and achievements. I am unreasonably angry at times and pathologically compliant at other times. Someone recently told me that I seem to be a very centered person, though, so I must be making progress.

    I am, however, utterly alone. My husband died this year and my two daughters are completely in thrall to my mother (The Queen). My mother is shunning me. My siblings are indifferent and my contact with them is almost zero. As I was growing up, we moved frequently and were overseas for several years -- so I have no roots, no hometown and no relationship to speak of with cousins. I have never officially gone "No Contact" because it wasn't necessary. Nobody contacts me, except my sisters will occasionally e-mail me seeking information. When I answer, there is no return e-mail or further interest in relationship. I will not be answering e-mails in the future. :)

    My heart goes out to all who have commented here. I am so sorry for your pain and confusion and loneliness. I am just thankful that I have found my way back to my Christian faith and I am never truly alone, never truly without help and care.

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    1. I can so relate to what you shared here. That distorted perception of reality. Trying to get a handle on what is real and what my actual faiings are and those that have been imputed to me.
      Same with me. No Cantact has been officially made because nobody contacts me either. Only contact that was ever made by FOO was initiated by me. The results were usually some kind of rejection, shunning, verbal abuse and long list of my faults. I just quit reaching out.

      The thing that kills me, though is how concerned they act about "how is your mother" to my kids. As if I am the one who rejected them. That has really confuse my kids but they do not want to know the truth either.

      Is this all in my imagination??? It is a gaslighting kind of thing. Rejecting me and pretending that I am the one rejecting them. They do not even outright reject me, either. Except once, the last time i talked to my mother she actually told me a resounding, NO, she did not want to reconnect with me. Then goes and writies her memoirs crying loudly how heartbroen she was and how selfish and messed up I am and how I have alienated myself from the family. The adacity of that staement from a father who literally ignored over 20 years of my sending him cards, letters gifts. He completely stopped talking to me when I was in my 20s. Maybe a few words here and there. Mostly sarcasm.

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    2. I struggle with all of the above too. I have wondered how do so many people hate and reject me? And it troubles me. I have thought "Am I really that bad of a person?" So yes you wonder what your failings are and how horrible they must be. Also in my family is the baggage of me being disabled and poor and a "throw-away" due to those things. Yes my No Contact too is the same. No one ever would contact me. I would invite cousins and others on visits and BE IGNORED. This would include my sister and her kids. Even when I did contact too, yes I would treated like I was annoyance where they would tell me they are "busy" over and over, which in essence is just one way to be told to go away. I live long distance and would call only very intermittently but would hear that whole spiel with all of them. Yes you do quit reaching out because if all your ever find is disappointment and being told to go away, what other choice is there? I am sorry they bring your kids into it. It troubles me how these narcissists can destroy our reputation to such a huge number of people. They do manage it. Even on a support board, a narc was there and made sure I lost several online friends in one day. What was my sin? Disagreeing with them about poverty issues in America.

      Yes they will tell you, that you were the one who rejected them when really it was the other way around. They have rejected you and been covert. I am sure some of mine are pulling on heart strings saying how horrible I am for leaving when they ignored me for years and ignored all my appeals to get together. I told some well they drove by my apt within a mile, invited to see me, and ignored me over and over. Yes so this is a horrible game they play.

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  48. Thank you for sharing your stories. I have tormented myself for years, taking on the blame, guilt and shame of being rejected by my entire family including
    ding all of my children,
    who have come under the influence of my
    narcisstic mot
    her who I can now say is evil.
    How I have tormented myself with doubts.
    My own son has cruelly and accusingly asked
    me the question that torments me constsntly.Have you ever asked yourself why your whole family doesnt talk to you and all of
    your kidsleft home
    The implication being entire families do not ostracize and find fault for someone innocent, without a reason. 500 lb you nailed it right on. It so helps to gear someone else speak my story. And to validate what I know in my head but still have not believed in my core. The core who believed that it was my fault.

    The power of the narcisstic queen. Exactly how you o ut it. It watched it all happen but did not want to believe it. Since it was my fault then surely it had to be me that had to fix it, right?
    Wrong. There is no fixing it. Only accepting it.

    But it really angers me that it got to my kids. But I remember now even when they were little she was slandering me to my children.
    She wouldn't have much to do with us or them till they left home then was all over them. Now my kids are confused but already poisoned.

    The destructive

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    1. I am sorry your children have rejected you too. One thing I hear over and over and have read about is how the narcissists manage to steal or influence children and grown adult children against their own parents [non-narcs in that case] I do not know how this is pulled off. Often they use money to literally buy them. They seem to suck in all the attention of the next generation.

      One bad thing that can happen is people look at someone who has been scapegoated and ostracized and say to them, there must be a reason you have been rejected. It has to be YOU. You know how your son asked you that question, my brother said the same exact thing to me before. And I'll tell you something too, probably he got it straight from the horse's mouth-the narcissist. Once they got the family turning their back on you, they will reinforce things and use it to abuse the scapegoat saying things like "No one likes you, Can't you see no one can stand you!" That happened to me. I know one part of my recovery is I am going to have to trained myself not to care if I am rejected or even hated. This one is tough. Yes it is. The queens hold so much power over the family systems it boggles my mind. I would suggest to any newbies who come here who may have young children or babies, go NC, to keep them away from the narcs who may steal them as youngsters or adults or help influence them to become narcs. They spent years on the slander and it never lets up. They bond with others over slandering someone else. Some wait til the kids leave home and then send the young adults money or offer other bennies to bring them to their side. If one faces worldly failures, divorce, or loses a job or gets sick, they out it all to their use. I will pray for you. Could you write letter to your kids? Hey I know I have been there trying to tell the family what happened and not being believed.

      They all operate the same. I remember being 10 years old and being told by my mother, that the family does not like me.

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