Friday, November 29, 2013

In a nutshell.....

Speaking of what I said about the Competition Prison here....

Chronic Illness

This goes along with Dorothy's article too. Chronic illness can impact a life greatly.

How Aspergers is Seen

I found this funny, I was literally called "absent minded professor" when I was young. My Neurotypical friends see me just like the guy in the picture above too. If someone loves new ideas, we will be close friends. Normal parents care about the isolation. I miss my planet too!

What's Your Excuse?

This made the internet rounds, a very thin woman with a mainstream acceptable body that works in the fitness industry posted this...

It created a firestorm. She looks like one of those genetically thin people. Her Facebook page is public and she eats food like baked french-fries and waffles. I am sure she works out and it's "her job", but to have this attitude that everyone who is fat is "making excuses" is nonsense. Not every body responds to exercise the same way hers does. I have been around thin people enough to know how they live, many are thin due to no expended effort, ie: they aren't hitting the gym everyday. Some actually eat quite regularly while others do not seem as plagued by hunger pain. If you can exercise and do it well, go for it but why slap people around and put them down if they do not or cannot? I do exercises everyday but I don't see any magic results from it except the ability to walk a bit further and stay off oxygen. One thing about a sign like this, is the narcissism, it takes to take a picture of yourself half naked with your three young sons, and then put down others who are not as thin and "fit" as you.

Fitness Mom Lands Herself In Trouble Again

A tumblr website was started called "We Don't Need An Excuse" in response to all this. Some thin women even with chronic health problems responded. Some spoke of "body positive" and "self-love" but then I found myself thinking, everyone is in a competition to "explain" themselves, outside a few posts, where they wrote, "I don't have to care what anyone thinks".

I was thinking about this, how everything in our society is a competition. Women especially are trained to "compare" themselves to others. Comparing bodies, income, looks, if they got to have children, careers, degrees,  etc. It's tiring. I already lost the war myself. No kids, no career, no money and a body that is way beyond the pale.

I have as many books on my bed as the woman above including an autobiography of Mark Twain, but no money for the degree, though I consider myself a "self-study". Ok that said, have you all noticed everyone is chasing this idea of "perfection", that we must all be "the best" and prove to the world we have great wonderful lives? This is a facet of American culture getting way out of control!

 Do I have to have exciting hobbies or be learning to wrestle alligators or get a Phd to prove myself "worthy"? This may sound odd, but remember how I said, "escaping the beauty prison" was a good thing? How about escaping the "competition prison"? Who are we trying to impress?

Is God going to open the door to the pearly gates because you have perfect abs?

Too Fat To Travel?

Too Fat To Travel?

What's weird about this is I have read about specialized services that help disabled people travel world wide. So fat people are off the roster here too? It is scary that this man traveled for medical services [weight caused via a hormonal imbalance] and there was so little mercy for him. Many foreigners are realizing the drastic changes in the USA that are not good ones.

One thing to think about here, is look at the open and blatant discrimination, other disabled people even wheelchair bound ARE allowed to travel thought it often does appear fraught with difficulty, no one is banning them.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

"Disability in the Modern World" {Written by Guest Blogger-Dorothy}

Dorothy is a friend of mine and we have gotten into discussions before about what life is like being disabled, from all ends. We have served as a support system to each other in friendship in navigating this world. I have dealt with both physical disabilities talked about in detail on this blog as well as the Aspergers and it's emotional baggage while Dorothy has dealt with both physical and mental disabilities. Many people do not understand the nitty-gritty of the disabled life. There are special issues with visible disabilities as well as invisible ones. Being disabled since the age of 28, life for me panned out very different and many disabled people can attest to that. She is correct about what those with disabilities of all kinds face. I agree with her decision about what the disabled person must do. We can grieve what the disabilities did to our lives, but we can focus that perhaps in this world we were given a different purpose by God in being here. Well read on....
If you are disabled in the modern world of 2013, you have special problems. If you are so disabled you cannot work, then you're really in trouble; but all of you know this! This article is partly for people who are NOT DISABLED, and those who are. We need to address both sides.
In my travels with disability, which have involved very severe trauma of the mind, PTSD, and mental emotional severe depression, I think that probably disabilities that involve the persons' personality, FEELINGS, and mental state may actually be worse than physical disabilities.Anyone who looks at you, usually cannot SEE that you have mental or severe emotional problems enough to make you disabled; those "regular functioning people" often have a sixth sense, that can tell there is something WRONG with you.(to them.)
 For example, a group of mentally ill young people who were sitting outside a business, waiting for a bus, were remarked upon by a passerby who said "Those must be the retarded kids!" He couldn't tell, just from looking, what it WAS that was different. If you're in a wheelchair or a power chair, or with crutches, or any of those disability devices, in public people can tell exactly what's going on with you. You probably get more sympathy from them.

However, if you're going to AA, and you're sitting in a large group meeting, with both men and women, and you start having a panic attack and get really nervous, you get a much worse REACTION from your friends or acquaintances. A lot of them just don't understand. As far as trying to get WORK, and a JOB, it's extremely hard for somebody with very bad emotional and mental problems to get one and hang onto it. All my friends and people I knew, who had ,for example, "bipolar disorder" almost always could not work.

One of the people tried to go back to work, full-time, and wound up in the hospital again. This cycle was not uncommon.It really depends on just how BAD off you are with the problem. But usually, bipolar disorder,is one of the hardest mental illnesses to deal with by the person who has it. Ditto Chronic depression.
This is compounded by the fact that employers don't LIKE hiring disabled people; even an autistic person,who has proof he can do the job, has been turned down, because he was "odd" and "would not fit in."--which means they can refuse to hire ANYONE who is DIFFERENT; and they DO.

There are extra problems as I hinted above, when you have a disability of mental and emotional illness (or even if you're in a power chair physically disabled, although we won't go into that as much); and that is, dealing with the rest of society in all forms, that think you're weird, deranged, or even dangerous. The movies depicting mentally ill people don't help! Anyone mentally or emotionally ill is usually CRAZY and DANGEROUS, in a movie. The fact is that most mentally and emotionally ill people are not dangerous at all except to themselves sometimes.  We go around now with the reputation of being "too sick" to be friends with other regular supposedly "well functioning citizens".

So this is one of our main problems, when we're disabled; especially if we have mental or emotional illness severely. It is DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN SOCIETY. Trying to FIT IN, when it's clear that, usually, you're not exactly the  same. Putting up with rejections for dating, for example, is so tricky, because it's so personal when somebody decides to reject you. It is difficult not being able to fit in in clubs or groups you join. Obviously because you haven't had the same experiences, or vice versa, and it's easy to feel rejected or "not fitting in".

                                                    [picture source]

So one of the hardest things with having this type of disability is, HOW do you manage in the real world? How do you find a place to live that you can afford? (One of the very worst problems if you're disabled) Do you have to live with relatives? What do you do with your TIME? Is there any kind of even part-time or minor work you can find, to do? These are some of the hardest things about this kind of disability; YOUR WHOLE LIFE, every day, is almost impossible to deal with.

Extremely physically disabled people also go through a lot of the same social rejection, and bad self-esteem. But particularly if  you have  mental or emotional illness, you already have that to contend with; and then you have to put up with society and people rejecting you completely, not to mention trying to put a roof over your head and EAT.

                                         [picture source, disabled vet evicted]


If you are not disabled severely mentally or emotionally or physically, and you're reading this article, now do you get it? Do you get just HOW BAD life can be, when you're in this state? You not only have to worry about the most basic MONEY PROBLEMS, to physically survive; you have to contend with people and society at large, rejecting the hell out of you! Not wanting to be friends with you, or hire you, or be in a club with you!

All this stuff, and especially the social body of people at large  rejecting you, or avoiding you, really makes life HELL. It's not just "inconvenient" to have severe disabilities like this; it's not just "a little frustrating". It's can feel like HELL TO LIVE IN! 

So having a semi-normal life, having a mate, getting married, working, having kids, socializing, having interests and community involvement, are really off the table. All these things that you  disabled and emotionally and mentally WELL (or at least functioning) people take for granted; all the needs of a satisfying, regular lifetime.

THAT is what people like us, don't usually get to enjoy. If the physical disability is bad enough, mental and emotional disability really reduces the basic quality of your life. Some almost give into despair thinking that it's not worth it to keep living, because it's so miserable and low-quality. Its a very hard road to be on. Despite even slight progress in the person,severe mental and emotional problems DO NOT CHANGE, MUCH, for the better.What can you do, then?
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Maybe one of the most effective methods to deal with the problems, is, to  STOP fighting them; stop trying to "fit in", be accepted, or even be socially accepted.FACE IT,THIS IS YOUR LIFE!  And you're not better or worse than any one else .Stop beating yourself up!

Take the attitude that "I'm a real person, if you don't like it, bug off!" Whether or not you realize it, the Creator sent you here, like everyone else, to find your mission in life, on earth. So what if you have a disability? You are on the planet for a REASON, you just to find what it is.

Realizing that you are here for a REASON,just like everyone here,is what every disabled person must realize at some point. It was NOT  an accident you're here,you have a PURPOSE for being; probably not to get super-rich, famous & successful, or become a celebrity. If this sounds too religious and sermon – like, it is what we disabled have to realize, and focus on.

We have to realize that we are PEOPLE ALSO, and we have a right to be on the planet as much as anyone else. That is the main focus of my article.and we need to search, and work, to find our reason for being here, as much as the average non-disabled person does.

So do keep in mind, if you have a very bad disability mental, emotional, or physical, you are not alone in the world; most of the population of the planet has some kind of miserable life, rather than the perfectly blue sky American image of what life is supposed to be like. You definitely ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES.

I will end by saying that, of course we're not the only ones in life to get a bad deal, people get bad miserable lives every day of the week, who aren't even disabled, and they have to fight it, and learn how to survive and live. But you do it by taking the attitude that, "Everybody else who tells me I have no right to be here  or that I don't matter can go to hell,  I'm going to survive and live anyway. And I'm going to be proud of myself for doing it."----Dorothy

Matisse Paints a Fat Woman

We need more portrait painters to paint pictures of us...


Kind Medical Professionals

                                                         [picture cite]

I am getting some better help now, this includes occupational therapy and I just completed physical therapy and am doing my exercises everyday. They know my sticking to the first bout of physical therapy saved me from having to go on oxygen and being able to keep the mobility I do have. Maybe I will be able to build things up even more. There have been some good health effects like having my blood pressure become more controlled.

They are trying to increase my stamina and help me function. One thing that did happen to change the lay-out, is the medical professionals have realized I have serious swelling issues that far surpass the obesity. They have realized the amount and degree of fluids I am contending with and how strongly it is impacting my life from the fluids on the leg to the extreme fluids in the abdominal area. This has gotten me far more understanding even from my regular doctor.

 The lymph therapy is improving my leg but sometimes I am having to have my leg wrapped 4-5 times a day which I am very thankful to my husband for. I can wrap it now somewhat as a stop gap to keep it from swelling bigger using an ottoman to prop it up on but others can wrap it tighter and better then I can so my husband has been my predominate "wrapper". The occupational therapist has helped me with massages, Kensio tape and other techniques.

It helps to have kind and caring professionals, who are helping me deal with many practical issues of life, this includes my problems with cleaning, and I may be applying to get a house cleaner and see if I can make that work. I put it off for many years but my husband with his health problems is having difficulty keeping things up. Often one is not lazy but just dealing with serious physical issues in trying to keep their place clean. They have told me they know I am trying my best and some have sat down and talked to me about not blaming myself for what has happened to me physically and issues related to depression and health.

It took me years to learn self care, and how to get help, and I am glad I am getting some help on multiple fronts now. They have treated me kindly and with care, and that definitely has been a very good thing.

Emotional Abuse: Being "Erased".

Even by the age of 18, I had therapists tell me I had faced some of the worse emotional abuse they ever had heard of. When one cottons on to the games, it can be quite revelatory. One game my mother used to play was telling me off in the backroom out of ear shot from company, saying things that were cruel, and I would become sad, depressed or angry, and then later with smiles for her company or people she treated better, she would say, "Oh fivehundredpoundpeep's so negative!". One can't win in that kind of set up can they? You always look bad to others. She is the nice, kind lady, cooking meals and giving presents to these folks. "Why so sour fivehundredpoundpeep?" is what they thought.  They would think I was a bad person who did not love her "kind" mother. Even friends of the family thought I was the perpetual weirdo sourpuss, while she was the happy go-lucky mother horrifically saddled with the likes of me. In other words, I lost the psychological war and then some. No Contact really when one cuts to the chase is the ultimate retreat to stay alive emotionally and in some cases like mine, physically.

One disturbing message I always got from other relatives, was that I needed to ACCEPT my sister and mother as they were. I would hear these speeches about how they simply were more stoic and kept their emotions close to the sleeve. No one was accepting me. A few of these relatives when pressed would admit, "Yes she is cold, she doesn't treat you right, she engages in BAD BEHAVIOR" but oddly their message to me was always that I was the "bad" party who refused to accept them for who they were, when acceptance from them was never on the table.  Most were turned against me but even the few who were not including my brother, told me I should have taken that same path of "acceptance". How and why did that happen?

I had to realize with the emotional abuse and psychological games, that inherently other relatives were dealing with a DIFFERENT PERSON. They were not seeing the same person I was. While my brother saw a few bad behaviors that came to his attention, I doubt he ever was approached when alone by her, and totally decimated and told his life was worthless as adult. This is something I had to contend with, that these narcissists when they choose a scapegoat, do treat you "differently" from others. The bystanders are NOT seeing the same person. Talk about making a very muddied up picture. This is how and why the invalidation by the primary narcissists can be so devastating.

Sometimes I would stuff my feelings to make sure the others didn't hold this against me, but then with Aspergers I was lousy at hiding those emotions. I also think because of being an Aspie, that my ability to see through the social games was far lesser. Even right before I went no contact, my N sister and N mother would manage to manipulate things where I would be in shock that I did not see it coming.

 Mine reveled in the confusion, the anxiousness, the fear and making you feel like you "owed" them and were the lowly worm at fault. I found out from distant relatives since I have gone no contact, she has basically "disappeared" me. It did not matter, she said not a word that I had left to any other relative. "Whose going to look like a great mother if one of their children totally cut contact?" So she keeps her mouth shut, everything has always been about appearances to her. I suppose she hopes no one notices I am gone, and just like people who have died in my family, I will cease to exist the same as them to her.

The cutting of the contact by the way is not easy, I am 6 months in, and well, it has been a journey of grief. I realized how much I did really truly lost. I did not get to enjoy many things that others take for granted. The love of a family, the feeling of belonging somewhere, the feeling of kinship. It is a facing of incredible loss that I had always shoveled under the psychological carpet before. Sometimes I am flabbergasted to see the loving families on a social website. I know they are not perfect and even in the best ones, there are alliances and debates and disagreements, but what I faced I think is a bit beyond the pale.

 I believe my poverty and lack of means and health to visit relatives that cared about me like my brother and some distant cousins, also impacted things in a very negative way for me. Even there she impacted those relationships with her games and putting me down. They saw her as she had the money to travel thousands of miles, and a new car every two year and endless funds for the gas, I was "missing in action" and basically like pencil eraser taking to a piece of paper, she grew more dominant in their lives while I faded involuntarily from the scene. I sent cards and made phone calls as much as possible. I have a lot of grief about this, I feel bad, that I could not become more of a part of my nieces and nephews lives or get to know them more, everyone was too scattered to have a place to move to, and many things were not possible. I do think in my life, I have lost too many people due to circumstances and other events.

A few years is different then encroaching upon 20. I basically lost my father's family due to the lack of contact and geographical distance. That wedding I wasn't invited to? Well my mother lied there, and told them I didn't want to be there. Think about that, those people then think I do not care and want nothing to do with me. So I'm firmly out of their lives. She's in. She couldn't even leave one person alone, as busy-body, she even took the ones away she isn't even related to by blood. Devastating lies on multiple fronts all centered on turning me into a non-person.

This of course is easier to do when everyone is very geographically distant. More about that later. All I know is being this far into NC [no contact], I realized how extreme the psychological games really were. As I have said before the worse thing both my sister and mother, ever did to me, was the damage they created to other relationships.

As they tried to "erase" me, they never really knew who I was. I was a stranger.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Adventures in Cardmaking

Here are some recent Thanksgiving cards I made. Cardmaking is fun. There are too many hobbies I want to work on. At least I am never bored.  Some of the cards I have now added stamping art to as well.

Both Sides: Still Wrong

My opinions about NAAFA are still the same. These seem to be two ladies who are making the new size acceptance rounds in the media. I find the lady, Jeanette DePatie, who teaches exercise fascinating. She admits later in the video, she did a marathon. I know that would not be possible for the lady, Julianne Wotasik, who is in the 400s sitting next to her. Julianne seems to be a well spoken and put together woman, but she is going down the wrong path, she is already super-sized and it saddens me they even forced her to sit awkwardly up on those high stools. Exercise is a good thing and fighting weight discrimination, both of those I do agree on but as I have said before, why accept a health condition that is so painful? The "Fat Shame" side and "We Must Love our Fat" side all work with each other.

Meme Roth just spouts the same nonsense, but then she is just the other side of the coin as I have said before: Both sides are WRONG.

The Scale

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No More Fat Shaming

Smile, Sizeist!

I found this tumblr website where they call out fat abusers and post their pictures. Some of the stories are pretty intense such as when a woman gets jumped on a train, just for minding her own business while being fat. There's one of frat boys laughing at fat people and this one mean woman who insulted a fat woman on a subway train. I know this stuff happens, I have lived in smaller places where I have become part of the scenery so haven't faced public fat shaming in years outside of more subtle looks, and eyebrow raises but I'm glad these fat people are standing up for themselves.

There is a lot of online fat shaming out there. One reason I do not post pictures of myself on this blog is I do not want to see a picture of me or my body and some nasty caption put under it. The web is full of very fat women, the famous one where the lady sitting down with part of her stomach showing dressed in pink is webwide and recycled everywhere. I have this problem with my stomach too, and feel for that lady. It's one reason I only wear dresses that go down below the mid-calf length.  It is true it is open season on fat people, the one medical and other problem none of the politically correct crowd even seemed to care about.

Some men never seem to grow out of their "no fat chicks" high school obsession. Some seem to stupidly think being fat is a "choice". Well as people grow fatter and sicker they can blather on claiming everyone can lose weight. Misogyny and fat hatred married together in one poisonous stew.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Are You A Hoarder?

Double click to enlarge the picture to see the questions.

I came out as "messy" not a hoarder. I can get rid of things quite easily, throw away magazines
give to thrift, but what I don't get is how this apartment stays so messy even as I constantly clean
and fill up trashbags of stuff or donate to thrift. It boggles my mind. I think my apartment is just
too small. I can't afford to rent storage space. The sad fact of the matter is most apartments in my community are EVEN smaller. LOL

I found the THREE collections question entertaining too. I believe hoarding is getting worse due to societal break-down. People are getting closer to "their stuff" because there is a void where social connections once stood. Being housebound, I have to be careful because I can get connected to my stuff probably more then many others. Aspies too have this tendency.  I had to set up a life that had some entertainment in it, while it was frozen or a blast furnace outside. 

See: Are You Fat Because You Don't Do Enough Housework?

This Explains The Betrayal of the Bystanders

One thing about human nature I've noticed is how many of the wicked do gain power and hold it so entrenched. For many cowards surrounding them serve as support columns. As I have written about on my many articles regarding my own experiences with narcissism, I always wondered how my mother especially was able to influence so many people and turn them against me?

So many years of people not liking me if my mother happened to know them! [Thank God, I was smart enough by age 21, to know inside that living in other towns away from any relatives was imperative!] I remember even family friends seeming to share distaste for me such as the family that lived next door to us and later their daughter even named her daughter after my sister. Such weirdness abounded. Her brother decided he was "in love" with my sister while ignoring me. The golden child was a star among them too!  Hey my mother was directing their likes and dislikes pretty immediately.

The more I have observed human dynamics, it seems so many like this rule by fear, I have seen it in jobs, seen it in dysfunctional groups and other places. Often here a good leader makes the difference between whether or not a narcissist or sociopath rules, and any organization there can be huge differences if this sort of thing is allowed. I went no contact 6 months ago, and so few dared to break ranks. That told me a lot about what I needed to know. This told me they lacked integrity. There's a few relatives I may have contact with, but there's many I won't be able to.

Why Thin People Are Not Fat

There's 7 of these videos, I'll comment on them even more later. One thing I think such an experiment is dangerous, because for some the weight may not come off once it's on. Don't take thinnness for granted.