Why Does Everyone Hate AmberLynn Reid?

 

I kept seeing the name AmberLynn Reid pop up. She's a super-sized youtuber who is around my size, who does online eating [mukbang], and has videos about her daily life.  I found this Youtube Channel called Irked Content that makes fun of her eating and what she shows on her videos. AmberLynn is well known online but not in a good way. I saw a Kiwi Farms post on her, where they really rip her down. They have a special hatred for fat people on that board so not going to link there. I've seen her mentioned on multiple message boards over and over, where people really ripped on her, and were disgusted. That's one danger of being a public fat figure in anyway. 

I went to go watch her channel. She likes to talk alot but she could just be an average neurotypical and I'm being too judgmental. To do videos, talking a lot and for some periods of time would be a necessity. Her life seems kind of boring in her grey-doored apartment where she is doing her make up a lot.  I should be one to talk I'm not exactly living an exciting life since Covid.  Sadly a lot of super-obese people end up socially isolated. I have to watch more videos to see if I am misjudging this, maybe she has a lot of friends. Sometimes it seems people do youtube videos as a way to connect with others, well this was a motive for even my own blog. 

She dates girls only so I'm guessing she is a lesbian, but she could be a bisexual too. She's far healthier than I was at 31, but she's had a hysterectomy and gallbladder problems. I guess if you're on video, you have to fill the time, which if I had ever done a youtube channel, I'd probably talk about conspiracy and religion too much. She has a bad reputation I think for being a fat mukbanger--a phenomenon I never understood. Do people watch others eat so they don't eat? It made her far more severely obese. She started the channel 10 years ago and was very fat then too. Maybe she needs to think about the eating on film stuff, it's not doing her any favors. Maybe she's running off to the bank not caring most of her viewers are now "hate watchers".  I don't get it. Also one way I worry for her is her identity seems completely weight based, supersized people can fall into the trap. Maybe I'm weird so focused on artistic pursuits and questioning the system, but that's something too she needs to escape. 

I feel sorry for her, she's a far healthier younger me and so we are very different people but you can tell she is stuck on the obesity gauntlet too. She's done the dieting and now is investigating weight loss surgery. I have seen so much regains in weight loss surgery, in my case around that age I decided against it but didn't believe I would live through it. It's probably a miracle I lived this long. Age is catching up on me. Sadly Amberlynn probably is going to have a difficult life too. 

In her case like Tammy Slayton if she wants weight loss surgery, she should go for the DS weight loss surgery too. She says she has BED or "binge eating disorder" but seems to dispute that on later videos. She does eat a lot. The outraged Irked Content people are correct she eats too much. My life was always weird watching My 600lb life people and her eat far more vast quantities of food than I could ever take in. Some of us really do have metabolic problems. Her life seems to be a video diary of eating bad American food, that definitely has affected her obesity. Well I've asked for years why don't we get to have more healthy food in America? There's a lot of fast food I wish I never touched when young. 

She appears to be far more socioeconomically comfortable especially for a supersized woman than most. One website detailed her worth at 4 million, I don't know, a lot of those websites are wrong. She's not living on a disability check alone to have all that makeup, jewelry, and take-out food. I read too she used to be a super-sized model. I do get the feeling from her art work, and reading about her family history there was some early trauma, I've only seen a few of the videos so far. Her eyes have a kind of distant look to them and her art work is so "controlled" with repeating lines and patterns. This is the wannabe art therapist in me writing.  In one video she said she had OCD, her's definitely manifests different, I can see it.

They sell basically garbage for people to eat then they wonder why people are so diabetic, obese and sick. I get so sick from processed foods, I was watching one of her videos this morning to write this article, and had to be careful, I can get IBS from weird things. Once someone was talking about tiger poop on "Meet the Irvings" and they showed the poop on TV and I got the worse IBS attack ever and almost threw up. She was eating these 5 bright orange Taco-bell Tacos. I had a very bad effect from Taco Bell in my 20s, I never have eaten there since, and almost felt like puking.  That's a horrible giant meal for someone of her size to be eating. Maybe I am guilty of judgment too but something went wrong for her to even want to eat foods like that. 

She does eat very badly and has an eating disorder. I get the feeling the youtube channel was at its peak some years ago when mukbang was more popular and she gained weight doing some of that. Self-destruction for money is never worth it. Sadly that's a trip too many fat people took both in the eating world and sex-worker world.  She shows signs of definite satiety disorder and the processed food, sugars and salt can't be helping. One thing I note is how there are so many haters, her channel is basically a "hate the fatties" channel with angry outraged thin people disgusted by her food intake filling the comments about how she is a "loser", and it's her fault she got turned down for weight loss surgery. Surely she realizes that most of the attention she is getting is negative. She was recently rejected for it. That seems to be a thing out there where people all gather in shout down groups to the so called "deathfats", merely existing at a certain weight makes you a ready target. 

As I have said for years, no one questions why someone even wants that much food? My endocrinologist will have access to the medical nutritionist's report.  I add up calories constantly in my diet journals, to know how much is going in to avoid gains. There's Budgies and then little food lists, I've even draw them. I ate 1970 calories 6 days ago. Yesterday, I was busy and annoyed as hell by hunger pain at least three times, I had crap to do. I have hunger pain now, it sucks, it never leaves me alone. I had an egg sandwich at 9:00 pm on multigrain bread and a banana. My blood sugar was 99 this morning.

I ate half a turkey sandwich at noon, but right now my stomach is growling like hell and its only 3 hours later. I'm planning to make some tomato and orzo soup later but still have to do nebulize my lungs and a few other things. That's my life. I'm don't want to cook but have to because everything processed leaves me dying in the bathroom. I find it a pain, and when you get old food doesn't taste the same anymore. I never got Covid, and can still smell but my memories of how food used to taste aren't the same as now. Old age cuts the appetite down but sadly the metabolism goes with it. 

Thin people don't get that. Hunger pain, and it's actual pain doesn't bother them like fat people. I watch Amber Reid eat and think what are the levels of hunger and satiety? I learned to embrace some hunger pain not to gain but its bugging the hell out of me. Yesterday I ate some eggs, cabbage/green onions, two oranges at different times, an avocado vegetarian burrito, some corn, and noodles and a turkey polish sausage. To the haters, how dare I eat anything? Her food amounts aren't good and the quality of the food is abysmal.

Amberlynn does eat bad food, no doubt of that. She's one that needs to realize processed food is crap. Maybe in her case she would normalize down to the midsizes alone if she gave up fast food and processed. They also put crap in it to make you hungrier and want more. There's too many empty carbs and french fries in her world. Eating mashed potatoes and mac and cheese at the same meal is a big no-no. Sometimes I think supersized people are the canaries in the coal mine, they more affected by all the bad low nutrition food. 

What is scary to me is there is more than one hate channel for AmberLynn Reid. I haven't finished adding them up but there were several. It's kind of scary. People call her names, a glutton etc. I don't agree with some of her choices either, but you can tell there is a lot of amniosity. Hopefully this isn't another case like Whitney Thore, where some bad behavior and ill treatment of others has brought out the hate too. 

It's weird alcoholics aren't hated as much as fat people "overeating" I find that an interesting thing. Maybe that's why there's more treatments for them. People don't like drunks either but I don't see websites where people call out alcoholics or even drug addicts like they do fat people and often the societal damage and harm to others is far higher with those who suffer from substance abuse disorders.

 Amberlynn Reid is on the weight loss failure merry-go around. Diet-binge, diet binge from what I can tell. Too much pleasure is invested in food. I hopped off the weight loss merry-go-round. I got tired, I never could stick to diets, they made me feel like shit, they always oddly skyrocketed the blood sugar. The last diet attempt where I tried to stick to 1600 a day, I couldn't do it.  I stopped dieting years ago which I'm sure has some people here in shock. She got turned down for weight loss surgery, I'm not sure what that is about, she probably failed the weight loss diet to qualify.  Maybe in her case, just trying to eat sanely, put herself on a food schedule and eat healthy food, could take her to midsized land without crazy diets. She would have to give up mukbanging. 

Fat hatred is increasing, one can tell. Fat acceptance kind of screwed over fat people with it's constant denials, about how weight affects health.  Some are disgusted and outraged with superfat people claiming there's no health problems from being obese as they struggle to get up a flight of stairs. This denial always bugged the hell out of me and in the very early years of this blog, I wrote about this writing endless articles against HAES, and more.  Things are getting worse for the obese. Ten years ago I remember thinking everyone's getting so fat, this isn't going to end well and it hasn't. Obesity treatment seems like Covid vaxxes, they don't really work but they push them on you anyway. Hopefully Amberlynn can find her way out of the fat thicket, only very few do. 

As I used to write about years ago, with people growing so fat, why doesn't anyone want to get to the root of the problem? While there was rare fat people in centuries past, no one felt driven to overeat. Some would say there wasn't enough food to overeat for most but obviously the food was a different quality. Covid seems so targeted towards the overweight, I have the phrase "fattened up for the slaughter" going through my mind. The worse thing for fat people is how you lose your humanity, all these people present themselves as faultless who comment on her eating as if they are all marathon running professionals with full bank accounts who practice sexual chastity and only eat boiled broccoli for their dinners. I doubt it. 

There is far more success treating the substance abusers then BED or obesity in general. Here's the difference: They are still seen as humans. 

Lied to on All Sides About Covid: Flowers in the Attic Life

                                            why are these monsters allowed to destroy our lives and world?

 I'm still confused. I tried to figure out what is going on with Covid to figure out some life decisions but I just keep hitting walls everywhere. It sucks, that anyone would be in this position. 

Everyone in my area has returned to normal life. This means no masks, no social isolation, normal activities, eating out and having lives. I told my husband, "It's been three years!, we can't keep living this Flowers in the Attic life!" The isolation has harmed me. I am too sick to be living a high life running around every second, but I would like to be with friends without wearing a stupid mask, or eat a meal out actually in a restaurant or go to a lecture/conference, and sit in a group of people without worrying about the Grim Reaper getting me. I have friends that believe Covid is a hoax, and while they have empathy for my health problems, one told me she felt bad that I lived under such seige and she told me, "I think if you returned to normal life you would be okay."

The decision is mine to make but I am "frozen", getting more upset because I don't have the right information to make a decision. I don't know anyone who has had Covid in months except one person at my UU said they had it about three months ago and seemed like they just had a cold. I don't trust those lousy PCR plastic pregnancy strips.

My husband keeps asking me to wait, and we have gotten into some heavy discussions where I have said, "We can't abandon living fearing a respiratory disorder! I didn't cower and hide in the house with MRSA everywhere either!" He has no doubts Covid is real. I'm not sure why he's so certain. Yesterday I said, "Yeah people got sick form something early on, maybe they released SARs or something, seeding it to different places that got hit hard like NYC, but it's long over with!" Around 8 months ago, I said, "If I don't know anyone who dies or gets hospitalized soon, I'm returning to normal life!" Well that time has come, and still I am frozen.

Another friend shared this doctor's articles with me. She says he is the most measured and sane, and he seemed that way to me. In this case, this doctor believes the virus is real, he believes the same as I do about the vaxxes. He even called for treatments which I have said multiple times, that's the only thing which will stop this. He asks real questions too like this...

One of the most suspicious aspects of SARS-CoV-2 is how well suited it is to eliminate those who create the greatest economic burden on Western governments—the elderly, the obese and the diabetic. Given the enormous economic incentive to address these societal costs (many Western governments are on the verge of bankruptcy from these ballooning fiscal obligations to these demographics), it is entirely possible that a research program had been developed to explore developing biological weapons for that purpose, but we will likely never know why SARS-CoV-2 was created.

Nonetheless, there is a very clear documented history of years upon years of research to weaponize the SARS virus. For example, in the early days of COVID-19, I discovered this website which archived many of the studies I and many others online were unearthing on the deliberate engineering of SARS-CoV-2. Since then much more data has emerged (for instance, Igor Chudov recently provided a summary of the key points of evidence here and briefly in his comment here).

So I flip-flop,  and my belief it could be a real bioweapon has held my hand. meanwhile all my in real life social relationships are in trouble from my decisions to isolate so far.  My online friendships built and maintained online for years have remained fine, but in real life? There's not going to be any friends or community acquaintances and associations left if this goes on much longer. I feel like a jerk even asking the friends who believe Covid is a hoax to wear masks as we meet together in the library. They do it for me, one even says she knows why I am afraid given my lung problems. I said to husband, "Can we ditch the masks, this time?" but he say he wouldn't feel comfortable.  Sometimes I feel like the powers that be have ruined my mind too with all the germ fears. We haven't seen his best friend/my friend who visited us two years ago, and then went home and called us and said "I have Covid." but we never got it and figured out he got it later after meeting with us. I would like to visit with someone in my house and talk to them for some time without masks.

One thing I do not understand, and this is something I would add to the "Covid is a hoax" list on this article, is that these two friends who don't wear masks, and go everywhere and one goes to meetings, NEVER GOT COVID. If Covid was real, wouldn't they have gotten sick by now and they are both older so they are supposed to be higher risk. So much makes no sense to me, my head is spinning.

Then I have watched two friends who I know are unvaxxed, go on trips, one is wealthy, and has gone on several vacations, surrounded by friends. This has included USA resorts with sking and big fire places, island nations with parties and she's never gotten Covid either. Another one went on a long cruise on a crowded boat to a Caribbean island nation, she's unvaxxed too, surrounded by crowds, she never got sick either. Another guy I know who was vaxxed, went on a three week international trip to the Middle East, he never got sick. None of these people wore masks, not even on the airplanes. I watch this stuff in my narrowed down life, and think maybe I am a fool, maybe I am duped. However then I think of all the science articles I've read and the people who seem to have no immune systems left, and nothing makes sense.

One guy on twitter told me concerning vaxx deaths, and my unease that my town seems much emptier to do some of my own sleuthing, see how many new graves are being dug in local cemetaries, try and get information. I guess kind of like Harriet the Spy. I tried so hard to figure out what is really going on with Covid only to hit brick wall after brick wall. I'm damn glad I never got the vaxxes, there's a lot of people who have regrets now. Some are claiming there's going to be a big reveal, but I don't know. I worry they will try to shovel mRNA down everyone's throat still even though it's obvious the shit doesn't even work beyond the harm it does. It's scary when they want to put it in other meds. How stupid do these people think people are?

I asked my old main doctor, "Can I return to normal life now?" He said, "Covid is just a cold now" but then he kept having to see me on telehealth because he had Covid and isn't my doctor anymore. He had both vaxx and virus, so I don't know which got to him or if both did. He was sick all the time and in the hospital. I asked other doctors, but they were non-commital. No one probably wants to be sued, they really didn't have any advice. Maybe the functional guy will help me. I hope so. None of my doctors ever pressured me for clot shots, they know I have so many problems. 

My life is being destroyed by this going on. I vaccilate between waiting, and pulling the plug and stating, "This shit is done, it's time to start living again" despite the dangers. The quality of my life has sunk to a low. There's no people in my life outside of my husband, online friends and the two friends I see in masks at the library about once every month to two months. I kept my weight stable at least, ballooning out from less activity was such a danger but my mental health and physical health are declining fast. I qualify for a disability program this summer, I fear Covid will ruin too unless I manage to cast off all the fears.

With my husband, I did learn to take more of his advice, and listen to his counsel. He was right about toxic friends, he warned me about people who were very bad for me. He warned me even about that local anti-Covid masks etc group I wanted to join because I feared Covid vaxx mandates, stating they were really a right wing astroturf group, and he turned out to be right. They brought the book-banning crap in only a few months later and openly politicized for Republican candidates. They are the ones who banned me from the online group for being in the UU church fearing "spies". I even had wrote one saying "I don't agree with this Covid crap", and that wasn't good enough. With Covid though, he keeps saying "Wait!" but how long can we wait? I told him the other day we aren't going to have any in real life social or community connections left. They have massively eroded. Most poor and working class people gave up long ago and had to live regular lives just because of the duties of their jobs. We were in more of a bubble than most because he worked from home. We go round and round, I drop the matter and then we slap on masks, go shopping and go on Zoom to a few things. I can't handle worrying about him getting it either, anyway.

I missed out on so much, that it pisses me off beyond belief. I did make use of the time and did more art, making the art show possible, and wrote poems, and was part of a Zoom autism group, and gardened, but I missed out on so many things in life like my art class, stamp groups, conversations with friends, going on day trips, and just having a life.  

 My relationship with my UU church has changed for the worse. I considered leaving for a time over my religious conflicts and not fitting in liberalism anymore though I put that on the backburner for now as my husband wants to stay in. I still go to services and meetings that interest me on Zoom, but I have been the odd one out now for years staying at home, on Zoom. Imagine going to a women's meeting for a couple years where everyone is meeting in person, and you are the lone weirdo on Zoom. They've been accomodating but I can tell they are wondering why I'm not showing up in person anymore. I have written about my disappointment that they embraced the vaxx and all of this and how this put a chasm between us. I care about the people there, but it's scary when you feel so strongly about something they disagree on. 

I'm getting older too, losing still mobile time, Lipedema is progressive and I know the fate of older Lipedemics, maybe my Flexitouch machine and wrapping can hold off some of the worse. COPD also progresses too. 

We are all on our own, we can't trust the news now. They lied about the vaxxes, they tell us the heart attacks and strokes are from "climate change". Give me a freaking break. I see some bad stuff in front of me I can't ignore. People in Zoom groups keep getting weird illnesses, there's a few where it seems their immune system got wiped away. A few people I know seem to get a flu or other illness every few weeks. Immune systems ARE being affected either via virus, vaxx or both.

In one group, within small number of people, someone got Cushings and someone else lupus related problems. I know even hear only a few are talking openly about being sick, so what about the people not telling anyone anything?  Maybe I need to be a local sleuth like my own investigative reporter, and call up morticians and funeral directors and ask if anyone is still dying of Covid or not but that's even complicated as some have said people dying of other stuff have been diagnosed with Covid. I wanted to beak out of the liberal bubble I found myself in and go find some right wing people and down to earth types locally and find out what the real deal was from them. One farmer lady said a friend of hers did die from it last year, so that confused me. She agreed with me on the vaxxes. 

I believe most people shrugged their shoulders and said "Screw it!" and went back to life. No one talked about it, but the vaxxes all failed, and with booster levels at the level they are, you know only a few die hards are still lining up for the crap. Most are staying silent, because they saw how us unvaxxed were treated and don't want backlash for not lining up anymore.

I probably should do the same thing of returning back to life so 4 and 5 years aren't trashed instead of 3. Sadly I am a coward. It's too much medical trauma especially related to the lungs. I've struggled with OCD and a touch of germphobia all my life. It had me washing my hands constantly in my teens and 20s. 

 Some people have told me I am extraordinarily rare never to have Covid, I haven't had a cold in 3 years either, one benefit of so much social isolation I guess. When some write masks don't work, I have countered acted with how did I avoid a cold for three years?

My husband hasn't had it either.  This OCD by the way means I never have been around another human being without a KN95/N95 on in three years except my husband and the dentist with a surgical air cleaner running next to me. That's extreme isn't it? I still rinse with mouthwash, and take vit C and zinc everytime I go to any stores. I was in a Dollar Tree and hardware store yesterday so went through those rituals.  Remember I didn't have a family to have Thanksgiving dinner with. The majority threw off the masks to do family events I am guess from the early days. People with kids, there's no way they can live in a germ-free bubble either. Even to unload these expectations on people was insane.

I asked this question on Twitter....

I follow both types on Twitter. I'm just a lay person. While I have the IQ to read complex scientific articles, even there, it seems like a lot of gaslight and BS.  The hubris for their failing technologies is disgusting. The scientist world is amoral. To be frank, I am in shock that humanity hasn't torn down every virology lab there is at this point. The fact that people can destroy the world through viruses and nothing is done, tells me we have no rule of law now.  I am thankful for dissenting scientists and others with consciences.

I feel manipulated all over, and very few of us even know what is going on. This is why I say we are on our own now, we have to look at evidence in front of our own eyes to even know what is going on, because the news can't be trusted.  I still don't know anyone who has died of Covid, the only hospitalized person I know from Covid in the last 18 months, is an 85 year old man.

I have a lot that can kill me besides Covid, so there's the absurdity of screeching my life to a halt forever, for this one thing, so that troubles me too. I don't want a death-focused life, that's the most screwed up thing about all this, here I was trying to live despite all these bad health problems and having some success in doing so, and then the creeps that run this planet decided to vote for dystopia, totalitarianism and plague. I'm so pissed off I can't even put it in words. We really are on our own. I just want to know what the truth is. I'm not sure what to do. I'm stuck in a weird holding pattern. I'll see the functional doctor to get his advice on this matter and do some more sleuthing even to just KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. 

Doctor Can You Help Me? My Body Sucks!

 

I am seeing the endocrinologist this week. I hope I can get more help and someone who listens. My testosterone is high, my face looks very mannish. Some years ago, I was forced off my androgen blocker due to kidney problems and medication. It did make my weight go up somewhat, I was in the mid 400s though I was able to be stabilized ending up in low 500s.

 Digging out 20 plus year old medical records was weird and triggering, they got so much wrong. I was constantly in the hospital from cellulitis infections, that's how I spent my late 20s and 30s, and some of those would put me in the hospital for weeks and weeks and leave me ill for months. I had mild feelings of being pissed about that, I should have been enjoying my youth and building a life and career instead of being constantly ill. Undiagnosed Lipedema and other problems ravaged my life. I lost out on so much. 

The constant asthma attacks and diagnosis of "chronic bronchitis by my 20s also led me to where I am today.. There was weird other diagnoses, like "purigo nodularis" when my entire body broke out, which I believe was vasculitis today. It was definitely a sign of autoimmune problems gone amuk. They were doing ANA tests back then citing "inconclusive", but I should have been at a rheumatologist very early on. 

I've made these records very comprehensive for this doctor and have a pictorial "weight history" even of recent weights. Some pictures are utterly shocking, including circa 1997, my face is a giant moon, my stomach has ballooned out, my legs are swelling, I'm wearing one of the last pair of pants that will ever fit but not for long. I'm standing between Aunt Confused and my father. I look BAD, later that picture would make me angry, because they just sent me back to Chicago to live in poverty instead of offering any help. Some may say well you were already an adult, but it seems if a family wants you to stay alive, there may have been different choices. It's a disturbing picture. Of course my father was so sick, I understand being put on the backburner somewhat, but I was a person too.

 I also have the pictures from when I hit peak weight, 700lbs, may down a little bit from that, around my wedding. There's times I get angry thinking why didn't anyone put me in a hospital? I used to beg them to, doctors and all.

I then include pictures after the 250 weight loss where I got down to the 400s and those of the last 20 years. One can see my legs swelling, one picture from 2001, they are like giant columns, that picture is a shocking protrayal of Lipedema doing it's thing. There's a 2005 picture of my legs grown huge, by then I was going to a clinic 30 miles away from my house for some wrapping but I was still almost 10 years off from diagnosis. 

There's old medical records I included including all my tests with high cortisols, high ACTH, etc. I even enclosed my order for a pituitary MRI I never could get done. It sucks, I tried going to places 150 miles away, sitting MRIs, but was too fat to sit, but I couldn't lay flat in the few MRIs I found. My adrenal scan which was successful but negative is included as well. There reports about "metabolic syndrome" included too.

One neurologist report points to my multifocal tic disorder, but I hadn't realized she wondered about me having full Tourette's as well. I do have tics all the time. A lot of people with autism have Tourette's. There's an embarrassing part of that report because I said sometimes in extreme anxiety, I would cuss and feel unable to hold it back. I learned to hide tics all my life, I move in a way to hide them, but at home I do fully tic and this includes some vocalizations. It's weird I got so many problems, I rarely mention this one to doctors. She told me at the time my tics were more subtle, but especially with the constant facial tics, a trained eye could see them. Sometimes I would sit in a group of people and say "yeah", without wanting to but would cough to cover it up. 

I just list what I want from the doctor, it's easier then talking. I started doing that years ago, not wanting communication lost in my deafness and autism. I list what I want. Having two different kind of kidney stones is scary, that alone points to problems. My kidney doctor gave me the referral. He was in shock at adrenal results I got from 25 years ago. I'm glad he was able to find old records. My old doctor in my small town I think is still in practice though he's probably near retirement age. I put in the letter announcing I have Lipedema stage 4/lipolymphedema, so doctors realize this is an official diagnosis. I have more records with more details on my Lipedema.

I am hoping I don't get the you're fat, lose weight run around, I probably have grown too old for weight loss surgery. Even if I made that choice I want the full monte--the dudodenal switch, where there's no chance of regain. One major issue is I am short on all vitamins now and have to supplement. Hopefully Tammy Slayton's doctor's got her that one her obesity is so severe. If she just got RNY, a regain is in her future, but on the show they said they were removing a third of her intestines, so it probably was a DS weight loss surgery. I noticed her weight loss even being in that rehab for over a year seemed minimal, there was some. It is weird for me to watch that show because I almost did go to that rehab around 10 years ago. I'm more mobile [well barely] than most of the fat people there. 

My metabolism sucks and I'm not going down the 3 year road of early weight loss and then all the fat roaring back. Age seems to be diminishing my appetite somewhat, but then the metabolism is probably dropping along with it.  I have to cook all the time to have anything edible.  Eating still remains a science project of "What will make me sick or not." Food seems more disgusting, I think with supply chain problems and more, even lightly processed foods have suffered from a quality drop. 

I'm on tetherhooks with my UU, Covid ruined my participation there, but since husband wants to stay and I am still going to some services and meetings on Zoom. I plan to garden again this year. Hopefully they will allow me the opportunity. Seeds were bought yesterday at the Dollar Store.

 I'm thinner under the fluids anyhow then people know. I got my new Flexitouch machine, it took over 10 months of paper work, phone calls, bugging doctors, but I got it.  I use it twice a day now, my legs have shrunk down, there's more fluids coming off.  This was something I put work into because I know I need the machine to stay alive. It stopped the endless leg infection gauntlet, I still get a rare one, but nothing like things were before where the infections were getting to the point they were destroying everything else.  

They will need to test my parathyroid, I've had parathyroid problems in the past, and with kidney stones and other problems, that's definitely something to look at. I'll see how it goes. I may discuss in-patient help and other options too for more loss. I'm wary of weight loss drugs I am on so many medications and one can cause thyroid problems but will see what's on board. 

One shock is I dug out more of my father's old medical records, I had gotten them trying to figure out what was wrong around 15 years ago. I plan to include a new set of them and give them to this doctor and kidney doctor because the latest careful reading, I was in shock to learn he had psorasis too, and well I knew about a connective tissues disorder and lupus, but this set of records says he had high uric acid. I hadn't realized that. Was his high uric acid from Lipedema too? Obviously this is another reason to see the endocrinologist, my extreme high uric acid.

 Another shock, is in this particular report, is he has hearing loss, hoarseness and dry eyes. The hearing loss, I simply didn't know about. It obviously wasn't as severe as my own. He has signs of Raynaulds--which I have too. His pericarditis is outlined too and the surgery he needed as a result of it. I am glad I have these records because if they ever try to mandate the clot shots, the family history of pericarditis and related disorders are in these reports. He also had severe hyperpigmentation where he grew very dark, that the doctors never diagnosed.  My father most likely had Lipedema which shows different in males. He had the darkened legs that go with Lipedema in males. 

I do wish my father had rethought having children. Yes I wouldn't have existed but maybe my soul would have gone to a more suitable body.  I do think what I could have done with a decent body, I had art and intellectual talents, that I could have taken further. I'm still trying to use these talents but the body is a pain in the ass. 

Nature elected for him not to have them, but treatment for hypogonadism, made it possible. I do have empathy for him, in that he was so sick, but sadly the household with my narcissistic mother, all pain and problems were to be hidden, and she put that pressure on him. He also had his own narcissism where showing weakness was verboten.  Keeping us kids clueless didn't allow any development of support or help from our end either.  I didn't even know he had lupus until I read these reports 15 years ago. We all knew he was sick but never had the whole picture. 

No one was allowed to be sick and you were supposed to work until you dropped. I think in this case this made for a very shortened life span. I think she pushed her second husband into an earlier grave though that one lived into his 80s from constant household projects, work and no rest time. I did like that guy, he was a narcissist to a point too but at least a jovial talkative one.

My father was disabled by his early to mid 40s even though his weight never got high as my own, he hit the mid 300s. Remember when I wrote about the seizures they hid, that are in these reports too? This kind of mode of life destroys things for children, in which you are not allowed to form any resilency or realize how hard life can get. Everything is about appearing perfect and health problems shoveled under the carpet. 

My pain has increased lately. I know the doctors want me on Planequil but being almost completely deaf I can't risk the harm to eyes. My father warned me as I have said never to go on it. It did stuff to his eyes. It's hard to walk and I am stiff and my joints and muscles are having problems. Yesterday I picked up something and my wrist hurt so bad, I dropped it. It's scary to be old and fat with "other health problems" that probably would knock the stuffing even out of a thin person. 

I've felt sick a lot lately, the fatigue has gotten bad, a lot of my life seems lived through a haze of sheer exhaustion and "pushing myself". I always feel overwhelmed which is not a good feeling to have, where you just even doing my medical duties seems tiring. My husband has been very helpful and has stepped up in keeping up with things but I worry for him too. Hopefully the doctors can help me more and figure out what is going on. 

My worries about declining health have been serious, I am working hard trying to stay out of the nursing home at this rate. A lot of women with stage 4 Lipo-lymphedema end up with very bad health problems. I've lost so many friends including another friend who was bedbound for 6 years. She was an online friend and we recently had grown more close. That was very hard too. So many have died so young.  I'm hoping I will be listened to. 

Update, this endocrinology office cancelled my appointment in October and gave me a date in March, and just now I went on my online medical chart to double check the time I was supposed to show up and they wrote me about 2 weeks ago and told me the appointment was cancelled and I needed to call them back claiming the doctor wasn't seeing people on Mondays anymore. I'll try and reschedule tomorrow.