Monday, September 30, 2013

PCOS: Stealing Femininity and Fertility



It makes you wonder if all toxins to the endocrine system are playing a part. I am glad this doctor admits the spectrum from severe, moderate and mild.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

George Orwell Liked Fat Women




As he looked at the woman in her characteristic attitude, her thick arms
reaching up for the line, her powerful mare-like buttocks protruded, it struck
him for the first time that she was beautiful. It had never before occurred to
him that the body of a woman of fifty, blown up to monstrous dimensions by
childbearing, then hardened, roughened by work till it was coarse in the grain
like an over-ripe turnip, could be beautiful. But it was so, and after all, he
thought, why not? The solid, contourless body, like a block of granite, and the
rasping red skin, bore the same relation to the body of a girl as the rose-hip to
the rose. Why should the fruit be held inferior to the flower?
’She’s beautiful,’ he murmured.
’She’s a metre across the hips, easily,’ said Julia.
’That is her style of beauty,’ said Winston.

--George Orwell 1984


I always liked George Orwell, I've read most of his books including The Road to Wigan Pier, 1984 was a book that warned about many of the things that are happening today. Glad he could see some beauty in a fat woman.

Bush and Obama


LOL this sums it up. Probably they could even trade signs and it would work!

Cooking


I do like to cook on occasion and make stuff up. I made this the other day. I remember this old vegetarian recipe made with real cheese, curry and cut up eggs and real milk which I am all allergic to, so this is my own version.

Curry Cauliflower, made with Cauliflower, a cut up cubannelle pepper, cut up onion, curry powder--it's yellow from the tumeric, Earth balance vegan butter, a little vegan cheese--Veggie Shreds soy free, a little salt, pepper, garlic powder, whole wheat flour and almond milk. I threw a few sesame stick things on top.

Thin people are always surprised at how I eat. LOL There was this one lady in my old town who told everyone I was a horrible cook because I took the risk of serving her rice noodles with Japanese seaweed sprinkles, and veggie patties--they were either soy or sauteed garden burgers. I just bought food out when I used to take any to my old church, my food was too "exotic". LOL

The Latest Medical and Life Notes


[abstract art done by me years ago, forget what year...LOL]

I found an endocrinologist that was close and not a two hour distance. I see him Tuesday afternoon. I am praying that he will listen. Hey they got my metabolic problems marked all over the place, now help me. Eating-- I feel guilty about eating anything. I ate a sandwich for breakfast, was I bad person not to be in the mood for organic cereal for the first time in a week? It's driving me nuts.

The other day, I pondered with friends developing an eating disorder to get weight off. That's the only thing left, either to barf it up, or figure out a way to ignore or to destroy hunger pain without passing out or being required to eat every 4-5 hours like clockwork.  Diabetes is a cruel task master.

One scary this is if I am forced off one kidney drug, is food will become an absolute enemy. There isn't much room for error. With the food allergies and the long list of foods that will create stones even while on the drugs, I'm going nuts. While a normal person can have an occasional hamburger for me it means automatic illness. The other day to eat healthy, I ate some tofu scramble to replace the scrambled eggs I'm allergic to with whole wheat toast, and my thyroid swelled up, I know I was not imagining it. How do I win in that mess? Thin people even notice all my strange eating habits.

Pursuing an Out and Out Cushings Diagnosis?

I see an endocrinologist again this week. THE MAIN QUESTION , What is causing the kidney stones?

I hope I can talk to this one and get him to listen. Just please get to the bottom of all this and figure out what is wrong with me. I'm even up for some genetic testing.

The fat remember is JUST ONE THING. I have been dealing with some serious fatigue. The floaters in my eyes are going crazy. They bug me when I'm online. I'm going more deaf too. There isn't much hearing left to lose. I went into my medical records with my housecall doctors--I have passwords etc, and realize they are even marking me down as MAL-NUTRITIONED. Yesterday I ate a pear, carrot sticks, celery sticks,  raspberries, among other food, so plenty of fruit and vegetables. Probably bad absorption somewhere along the way. I want to try and get a use juicer to make up for this. My balance issues, I have to be careful, I almost fell down in the kitchen but haven't had any falls since last year.

The way I live my life lately is doing what is MOST important to me, times with friends and groups when I'm not housebound from weather, and well let's just say housework has slipped to the last on the list. This apt. looks bad. I guess I am fulfilling the stereotypes of the big fat woman who fails at cleaning. I do feel some shame about this. I do sometimes get to cleaning but all I get done is one or two pieces of the puzzle, I bleached out the bathtub last Wednesday, I gathered trash one day. That may keep the landlord from calling the health department or from any stenches bringing complaints from the neighbors but I know if I could get one giant clean-out done to this place, it would improve my mental health. My husband's cleaning standards are far lower then my own, he will do laundry, some of the dishes, trash, errands--he's driving me to a friend's soon this afternoon, and says I am too bent out of shape about our messy apartment. It just seems the tasks are never ending.

As I amble around in here, I think that needs done, so does that. I wish there was someone strong enough to haul this broken TV out of the bedroom--neither of us are. I even called churches for help a few months ago, they claimed they were doing "help" for the community but didn't get anywhere. I did used to get help from my old church in my old community. The amount for a clean out is so expensive but  maybe I can get myself motivated, because I did get a little money together for the carpets to be cleaned after I clean out some of the junk in here.

I wish I had kids or family members to help me clean.  Bad thoughts about "lazy" fat women filter through my mind. I do sometimes clean it, it is never a complete job, and to do even this surface cleaning means two whole days, and then swelling up bad. It's like I know the suffering to come and don't want to do it based on that.

I am getting nursing care for my lymphedema leg, guess they have decided I can have it wrapped now, since it is getting infected every two months. I hope they can improve it. Even shrinking it down would make life easier. It's double the size of my other. I am glad I can get this service now.

I have been going on a daily walk when weather is decent. I'm still tired. I walk to make sure I still can. Yesterday I sat on a river front watching boats go by and walked around a bit with my walker. That is like therapy to the mind.

 I could literally just fall into bed and sleep all day. I am not as depressed, I still enjoy many things, but it's like a two ton weight and like weight on my eyeballs. Even doctors are noticing, while I was at the kidney doctor, I laid back on his couch and zoned out. Maybe it was good to have a late afternoon appointment because I knew he could tell I was somewhat checked out. The giant kidney stone shrank, so I'm still on the medicine so it's completely gone. It was a relief not to need surgery!! My weight this go around was 513. Three pounds down from three months ago.  Why did 486lbs disappear like a fart in the wind? I didn't eat anymore and was still exercising.

I feel like I am decompressing lately, the no contact from the abusive family? I just want to read books and sit in parks and stare and think and hang out with my friends. I just want to work on my hobbies. I am supposed to do an art therapy project next Saturday and go to a stamp show next Sunday, trying to get my living in before the "too cold to go out" door closes and I'm housebound again. The "too hot to go out" door just opened a few weeks ago.

I'm not one for postmodernism


Postmodernism stinks. I guess to some that would make me an automatic "conservative", course to me the labels matter little anymore. I was reading elsewhere how they were teaching kids math and it was crazy instead of just dealing with the answer they muddled their heads with concepts beyond just the answer. This is civilization destroying stuff, when nothing is TRUE anymore, the affects on science and other avenues in society will be interesting. Perhaps the movie "Idiocracy" was prophecy. 

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Malin Koort Paper People


 



I love these.....

Malin Koort Paper People

Worth


Obesity Epidemic and EMFs?

Obesity epidemic caused by EMF exposures in the home according to startling new research
"According to Dr. Milham's study just published in Electromagnetic Biology and Medicine, EMFs (in the form of dirty electricity), are contributing not only to obesity, but to a myriad of other health concerns which plague Americans in today's disease-ridden society.

Dr. Milham found evidence of the link between dirty electricity exposures and obesity and diabetes through analyzing worldwide health metric data. He noticed that many small islands known for having the highest BMIs (marker for obesity), worldwide in addition to the highest incidence of diabetes did not draw their energy supply from an electrical grid. An alternative source of energy was commonly used, a diesel generator set, known to be a major source of dirty electricity."

America


8 Foods We Eat in America that are Banned in Other Countries

Boundaries


Friday, September 20, 2013

Money, Snobs and Narcissists




I've been pondering many things about life lately. Life in America now is all about status and appearances. It took me too long to learn how the real world worked, and in an attempt not to sound too cynical-- it has worsened. Life seems to have changed, where now there seems to be endless numbers of people kicked to the curb and unless you fit a certain criteria you are not wanted. It's like high school rewound again, with the snobs and mean girls taking over. How much human talent and potential is being wasted in a system like this?


 I made the decision years ago, though while I am very sick, often bedbound, that I will do things that mean something to me, and make use of my talents, even though they are not income producers. This isn't me but another lady that was in the news for being housebound. Even if I am stuck in this apartment or worse this body, I can still do a few things.

 
This includes various volunteer projects, making art work, writing and more. In other words while many disabled people become very isolated and shut off from the world, especially us housebound types, I made the decision that I would have a voice elsewhere and do something that impacted the world, even if so many doors were being shut in my face or in facing the limitations of the health problems.


One friend said to me direct and these were words, that were well taken and the kind of thing that you turn to during low moments and said to me regarding the family I went "no contact" with, "Fivehundredpoundpeep, your life is far richer then theirs in many, many ways!"

Young people are given very false expectations and not prepared for the world as it really is. No one is telling America's young about the collapse of the US economy unless they are the smart and independent sort who have the time and resources to find snippets of the "alternative" media that may tell them.

Oddly I have encountered some well-off Baby Boomers who seem to ignore how the world has changed and because they have the means where it simply has not touched them, they deny the reality of many others. One stat I read is that over 65 year old Baby Boomers are 47 times richer then their children and grandchildren. This doesn't mean every Baby Boomer has done well or has these attitudes, but that is an awe-inspiring statistic. Generation X and Y have done far less well.

Just today, I wrote to an acquaintance on a social website how I had been raised in an upper middle class home and fell down the ladder very badly and how the chasm grew so wide, between me and my family. I saw them living in another world clueless about how I even had to live and survive. She seemed angry at me for these words, and oddly during the same post, I thought she was speaking out AGAINST slum tourism but I suppose was more in favor of it. Poor people as pets and to be patronized? Is this the latest thing among some circles?



 I felt like I was on my own opposite tour when I would go visit them. There were times I would enter my family's 6 figure suburban enclaves, and one sunny Saturday morning, as the lawnmowers buzzed and the large brick homes with their clean windows and flowers shined, I wondered to myself "What would it be like to live in this world, to feel safe and like everything is okay?" Add to that inner musings, about what life as a "normal" person would have been about.

But hey since the 50s, we have heard about the suburban milieu that goes on behind the pretty scenery and green lawns and I have my own memories of family life where keeping up with the Joneses was top priority and happiness was not.

 When I think about the depth of rejection I encountered from my family from all levels and for so long, how did someone like me even manage to get out in the world? Those who had been given the job to protect, care and nurture me, seemed more involved in kicking me when I was down and enjoying my failures. Years ago after I was not helped, there was a little help but a pound of flesh accompanied all of it. My sister's attitude that the poor are to be avoided and rejected, relations or not, was taught! My brother told me being subservient to richer family members was the way of the world and I needed to get back in line, instead of daring to walk away! What does this do to someone to be told this stuff for years? I couldn't take it anymore so I walked.

If one does not have decent furniture--the decor is garage sale a la mode or the "right" clothes, or has to wear the same outfit over and over, one can suffer for this. These are pressures that go way beyond the weight. The looks of disgust from my family have intertwined with those who reject me in the world. Imagine how I felt inside to overhear gossip in my old town even, "I've been to her apartment, she doesn't own anything!" with various socio-economic related comments. This is why my sister with her clean new dark wood floors, a new car every other year, who pays the same I do in rent on property taxes decided long ago, on my lower status in her life. 

One thing I noticed about the most malignant narcissists in my family is they never faced any job lay-offs, never any failures or ones they let be known. Raised by people who believe in never showing any weakness or vulnerability how could one even deal with the hardships of life that come to most?  How did they acquire wealth or comfortable jobs so easily? The narcissism if anything seemed to guarantee them MORE success. Was this connections I did not know about behind the scenes or something else? The story of my life among my family includes not being invited to a wedding because a cousin happens to be marrying a multi-millionaire, and I guess they didn't want me "messing" up the pictures again just like with my sister's wedding! The day after this dis-invite, my aunt called to brag about the silver set my mother had purchased for the bride.


My own family rejected me because I became poor as an adult but that was just one thing among many others, and sadly the problems I faced in my own jobs mostly due to my physical health--I was a good classroom teacher even with the mild Aspergers [people ask me to volunteer teach today even] and husbands later job lay-offs, it was like the movie Groundhog day being told that I was unworthy by my family and then by the world. I've overcome this in some ways in that I am astonished by what I managed with so many health and other challenges. To be frank, a dirt poor but loving family would have been far better. Sigh.  The path of self forgiveness and happiness has been with getting free and clear of those with these evil messages.

I had this discussion with another friend online, that American society has skewed in a very abrupt way to a place where now everything is about selling yourself. This seems to be a system that rewards the narcissistic, where networking that is shallow, arrogance, hiding all mistakes, and showing no emotions and having no problems in throwing others under the bus in a King or Queen of the Mountain frenzy. In other words, it's the meanest sharks in the pool getting the biggest cut! Often times, I do wish I had been born into a more sane place and culture. There are worse certainly of course.




Children from elementary school are told to think of themselves as special and to compete to the extreme now, so what does that form but narcissism? It seems there are two choices one can make in this system, be left behind, and down and out, or be one of the arrogant alpha sharks. That is what we are seeing. The universities especially in a business school setting, they would be stressing all the criterias of success, that so few are questioning that are leading to the higher rates of sociopathy and narcissism among the most successful. The sociopath rate in Wall Street is 10%. What does this mean for a society as a whole?

I was raised with a dog eat dog ethos. How did I abandon it? Reading the Bible when I was 9? Kind nuns wearing habits who were my teachers? Even though I left the Catholic religion and became a born again Christian, many were sincere and preached a strong moral code. The books I read? Surely I am not saying I was the epitome of perfection, the bible says none are good and that includes me but lately I have examined how my values from an early age did not match that of my family. Any idealism was to be squashed and I still remember one conversation with my father when he sneered, "You are too much of an idealist!" Odd for some that would be a compliment but in my family it was an insult. Altruism was seen as the domain of dummies. In fact my propensity for volunteer work and desire to be an art teacher was mocked among family members.  




Money and materialism became the focus especially in the 1980s. Business "success" became all about the cash. Years ago there was this notion among the business community, they were to build up a community, they wanted a LEGACY in their town or community, but with the breaking up of our social connections and social contract---think about the book BOWLING ALONE. The idea of legacy and giving to one's community or philanthropy. Where are the Carnegie libraries of today?

Is their attachment to community anymore? I had people upset with me not understanding that in leaving my last small rural town, it brought me endless grief.
Why has the world become so cut throat? Too many people are disposable today. Sadly it seems narcissism in some circles equals social intelligence. Why are narcissists today seen as popular and more even if the connections and attachment are not the same. Narcissists can appear as the most socially intelligent. Many of these big cheeses don't rule by fear either, but with a smile on their face and by covert intimidation and gifts. They can make themselves in a business or company situation look like they are all giving and build an "image" of themselves that is just a façade. With our educational and work system focusing on image so much and social success being defined as "getting over on others", it is advancing the narcissists like never before. 



I believe in earlier times, and years ago, narcissists were held somewhat in check by stronger social networks and life long communities. People knew who the betrayers were and who could not be trusted when push came to shove and who were focused on self advancement.  All the focus on certain types of achievement in our society has had this inverse affect of promoting the very narcissism they pretend to condemn on one hand. I know being who I am, this fat, this different, I am outside "the system" so to speak, while I have found a few niches, there is a reason I had "do it yourself' art shows. They didn't make big money but were satisfying and had many that appreciated my art work and it was fun to share it. I had to find my own way in a system that basically cast me out.

A major part of my narcissistic abuse centered around being called a "loser" especially as I entered adulthood and did not enter into a large amount of money or high paying job. What scares me is I had a bachelors degree in art education and was even studying to become a paralegal and was later married to a small town newspaper reporter and assistant editor though my husband later faced job-layoffs.  I still got this backlash, it's not like I was lying back and doing nothing with my life at that point. Why so many false judgments and pressures?

 For narcissists, a grown child is to be a source of narcissistic supply, a mirror reflecting back "their awesomeness" and I suppose that when an adult child does not become a source of this supply where a narcissist can brag of their achievements, and how beautiful they are, or of the grandchildren, then one becomes useless to them. They are shunted away as a "family embarrassments". It was scary to see the other "throwaways" in my family while the Eagle Scouts and straight A students and the THIN were elevated. Even there I saw the total lack of love and care for ALL parties concerned.

 I have or had this great hang-up with money, I often thought that if I had come into money or somehow "made it" such as when I was attempting to publish a book in the last 90s, that maybe one day I would be deemed acceptable and loved. Today I know that was a futile pursuit among narcissists, and even if I had won the Lotto or hit the big times in some venture, that it wouldn't be enough. Of course there one wonders why do people have to "prove" themselves this way now? Isn't that sick. Why can't we just be people? Well that is the better world and one I chose to join as a Christian, let the others be entranced with the dollar signs and worldly success where everyone is over-awed with the baubles of this world that do not last.

There were times my mother would even have parties for family and sometimes would invite her friends too, and some years ago, she would keep these parties secret from me especially ones where both friends and family were invited. Can you imagine? Yes it hurt.

There was one time I showed up at one of her parties, I found out about it by accident, she ignored me the whole time I was there, but I walked around saying hello to various relatives and others. Strangely there was this fat woman there, she was a coworker of my mother, maybe in the mid 300s and I got into a conversation with her and she told me she was diagnosed with Cushings and I told her about my then new pseudo-Cushings diagnosis.  One thing I figured out about my mother fat people were okay to have around as friends and coworkers and even husbands, but not as daughters.
My mother due to her money, [upper middle class] deemed herself totally superior to me. There was no notion of the family being in it together to help one another. Any help of years ago came with a price and behind the scenes any relative in need of help or facing failure and illness was vilified and condemned as lacking in every possible way. Maybe I will tell you the story of how one aunt was left in poverty even worse then my own, and how she was treated too, but this idea that dollars make some people "better" then others, really is disturbing.

This was a code that if I had not chosen to abandon it via religious and other moral means, that would have led to my destruction. Who was I in a system where money and worldly success meant everything? I was nothing and that is exactly how they treated me!

 My adult life has fluctuated between destitution and years of a stable working class position via my husbands efforts. Years ago, even the working class was respected as salt of the earth, but today  they aren't seen on our TVs. I even think about how in the days of Laverne and Shirley, two women were shown with normal working class jobs, though they had a far bigger apt then many would have ended up with. The community they were surrounded by was working class too and everyone was treated like a human being. Add in celebrity culture where everything is about gathering attention and selling yourself it is turning more people into narcissists from an early age.

  One thing too with the narcissism and the college set and more in the professional class, they are training people to express LESS emotions. While I can understand people not wanting their pilots or surgeon boo-hooing at the controls or at the surgery table, I could write a whole essay on that and why it is happening. SOFT emotions are seen as weakness. This is how narcissists view emotion, many are cold, and emotions are SHOWTIME if shown at all. I even have noticed in the movies of the 50s they show men, strong men crying. Today that does not happen in our media. I was taught not to express emotions and while some have said this was another generation's outlook, I think it went far deeper then that. Is that related to the growing narcissism in society? 

I've discussed already the obsession with appearances what about with suppression of emotion? There is more cruelty growing out there, such as throwing people out of the job running for not having the right credit rating, how do you improve it if you can't get a job? Cutting the presently unemployed out of the job running. The system seems to be getting harder and crueler, and I haven't even mention our lists of insane laws.  While news pundits will go on about the haves and have nots, there is something far more insidious going on in American culture then the just going without the money, there is the destruction of relationships, of family, of connections of community happening among all the false messages. I see some who subscribe to this whole system, saying "Ah you losers, go whine!, I'm a winner!" and you see the impact on the fat and weight loss world. Fat people as I have written elsewhere have greater numbers among the poor. There is a class marker of thinness and wealth being developed. There too how much human talent and potential is being wasted?

The other day I said to my husband, "why are all these authors on the backs of books now thin and beautiful"? I don't think that was the criteria years ago! Ever notice how appearance based rules count for everything now while character does not? The same code that renders fat people silent, in a system also renders many other groups silent. Money is the biggest taboo topic in American society.

Thank God I've met many nice people along the way, who see me as a person first and where humanity and other things count for far more then the shallow snobs who see people as a numbers game. I do think there is definite growing narcissism out there and more rewards for narcissism, that concerns me. Let them have their money, there are more important things in life.

Lucy Again

I used to listen to The Smiths in my goth college days, I don't listen to any of that old music anymore but found this funny. Too bad they are taking the This Charming Charlie Tumblr down, which is kind of dumb since they probably would have sold more records from it.

PCOS: The Greasy Smelly Disease




Can PCOS make you smell?

I am praying that Urocrit melted my kidney stone and I can go back on Spironolactone, did I smell like this years ago? Was I ever this greasy and oily? It feels like the stuff of madness. I am having to shower twice a day on days I want to socially function. I want my Spironolactone back!!!

Years ago a lot of my abuse had to do with being told I smelled, I would shower everyday, change clothes, wear deodorant and the problem got worse and worse. During my weight gain before my PCOS was diagnosed at one job, abusive coworkers told me I smelled constantly to the point I wanted to file a lawsuit and I was showering and doing everything I could. At the time I blamed it on badly cleaned water in the area I lived in, because I moved to my new town and the problem seemed to disappear, but that was the time the country doctor diagnosed me with PCOS and started me on Spironolactone. Was I this bad?

This is enough to give me a nervous breakdown because the Aspergers, fatness and deafness is enough social barriers. I feel so gross I am horrified, water and soap doesn't seem to penetrate the grease, I smell FUNNY. My hair is covered in oil just hours after a shower. My ears are flaking in greasy yellow flakes. I look and smell like I haven't showered for days when I did twice.

My friends tell me they can re-wear clothes, I can't, it has to freshly laundered and even then sometimes I will wear two outfits in one day. My husband says I make way too much laundry and it is expensive when you live in an apartment building. I have followed the never rewear clothes rule always.

My testosterone must be going sky-high, I am getting ugly again, and growing a mustache. I stink, my pheromones are changing. This is so extreme.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hungry Lucy


LOL this one made me laugh....Hey it almost 2:00 pm and I have not eaten lunch yet and my half of bowl of organic cereal and almond milk has disappeared and I'm hungry too right now!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Aspergers and Me



List of Female Asperger Traits

This one may come as a shock to some but not to others. I've hinted at it massively on this blog, but when I was in my early 30s, a therapist told me she believed I had mild Aspergers,  it blew open the door to understanding many things.

This would be backed up by another therapist even a few years later as well as medical professionals who agreed with the diagnosis. Some Aspies do not get an official diagnosis and in the Asperger community, this is somewhat controversial but especially for those slip through the cracks as children obtaining a diagnosis can be expensive. My therapist tried to make it more "official" but since I was already on disability the expense was not approved.  Since then, another therapist has backed up me having Aspergers and it's become a known fact on medical records. There are those in the Aspie/autistic community who have had to depend on self diagnosis as adults without the involvement of the professionals.

Other Aspies are totally self diagnosed after seeking answers as to why they were so different from their peers, and now information online  has increased. I have been part of Aspergers communities online, including one message board where I was there for almost 10 years and have several now real world but long distance Aspie friends. Some of these friends are officially diagnosed by psychiatrists--this testing costs several thousand dollars, some "diagnosed" by therapists like me and some self-diagnosed as adults. With these friends, we do relate deeply on many things including what we faced as young people.

It is known that this is a whole other ballgame then severe autism, I understand that, I even used to substitute teach in special ed classrooms where there were autistic children who were totally non-verbal. Aspergers is by far a paler cousin of the spectrum where one is verbal but has problems with social cues, and social ackwardness. Even when young I was referred to as the "absent minded professor", and did things like reading World Book Encyclopedia for fun.

In my case, I would be considered high functioning and on the MILD end of the Austistic/Asperger spectrum, but it definitely had life impacts. For some time, I battled about even exposing this, but then I think on this blog, I have discussed everything else about, and on my own social website under my real name, "the secret" so to speak is OUT so why hedge so much about it here?

This book was like the story of my life:
I supposed I didn't want people to use this as an excuse to dismiss my words, and my studies here, if anything Aspergers can give on the talent to see things in a new way. There is major stigma that can come for Aspies and there are websites out there where they mock Aspies as all a bunch of fat nerds, making "excuses" for why they do not fit into society. I don't care, all I know is this helped answer a few questions of why and how I was different. One thing I am not a fan fiction sort, I hate science fiction, so be careful of even letting Aspergers characterize me or picture stereotypes here that are far too rampant. There is a wide difference between a full autistic, stereotypes like Rainman, and even between individual Aspies themselves. One thing I want to add too is that Aspergers shows itself far different in girls then in boys, and the Asperger professionals have written about how many girls with Aspergers have not been diagnosed though this is changing.

Part of me has questioned the Asperger label wondering if thoughtful, quiet, book focused people used to be more the "norm" maybe back in the 19th century when character counted more and the narcissists weren't the top dogs being rewarded by society held back a bit, with their propensity for deception and lies held back a bit by stronger social ties.

There are many Aspies now undiagnosed and diagnosed who are part of academia and other areas in society where their different way of thinking is considered an asset. Aspergers can bring talents. It is a known fact that many Aspies flock into academia. 

I seemed to have odd talents mixed with deficients. For instance I can read about 10 books a week, and speed read with ease. I can remember things that I read even years later. Patterns are easy to discern, and my level of "booksmarts" always seemed high. In childhood and later, my IQ tested very high . However with this came other problems, some "holes" as it were, problems doing math, executive function, social cues, problems understanding verbal instructions even before my hearing loss.

Today Aspergers affects my life still, aging is different for those with Aspergers. Many things that come simple for ordinary people do not come simple to me. Later I will discuss such things as executive function and the rest, but one moment hit me hard, this weekend, using a library computer to print pages for a volunteer presentation, I lost the slip of paper that had my assigned computer password and name on it, forgetting that I needed to enter it into the computer hooked to the printer. Such gaffes impact my life all the time. Thankfully the librarians were kind about this and know me enough to tolerate my quirks well. Life seems overwhelming to me, and things that come easy for most do not come easy to me.

One aspect of Aspergers is the world can pass by as a confusing overstimulating mess. My levels of anxiety were high especially growing up. Hey with the kind of parents I had, I had to act "normal" or risk being smacked. Aspies can suffer from higher levels of depression and anxiety. 

As a child I was very quiet, and teachers knew something was very different,  while I could get a friend here and there, the social problems made things very tough. I did not fight or act out but was ostracized by other children. The teachers noticed I could read adult books by the age of 6 but that I was not being included by the other children. That combined with the kind of upbringing I had worsened things for me. As for my parents and family's treatment of me, I was quiet and not a troublemaker, and even if I was a bit different or quirky it does not excuse how I was treated and it was wrong.  Add in the fat kid bullying and well, it wasn't a pretty picture.

However with good grades and quiet behavior, I slid through the cracks. Of course 30 years ago little was known about Aspergers but many of my problems were ignored by my parents and I was in the private Catholic school system where there was far less special education resources and education. The nuns who were my teachers, were pleased enough I was quiet and got my homework done. The sad thing is my parents just shunted me aside even ignoring aspects of OCD and tics that I displayed.

One thing about Aspergers is that there is a connection between autoimmune disease and food allergies. Given that I am diagnosed with autoimmune conditions that makes sense. Autistic leanings often are part of Prader Willi- and Fragile X, now do you understand why I want some of that genetic testing being trapped in this body? Why was I so tall so young and a foot taller then all other kindergartners in my class? Learning that 9 out of 10 women with Aspergers suffer from IBS was also interesting to me.

My qualities of being a "deep thinker" which was not welcomed in my family, and others actually singled me out more among the non-readers I was related to. Most of my family were extreme neurotypicals including my mother though one of my friends theorizes that my father was an Aspie since he was an extreme computer genius with a tested IQ of 140.  They say that Silicon Valley is full of Aspies, and yes there are many who are talented in computers and my father was one. My father also displayed many of the same negative non-Aspie personality attributes as my mother though I would say she ran the show and he was her enabler. Her word was law, and I was chopped liver.

While I have some intellectual talents, sadly computers and math were not among them, though if I can go into a certain mode of thought, I can fix a computer sometimes and one friend found it odd, that I manually went into a computer registry and removed files from a virus. She said, "How could you tell what was a false file?", I said "By the patterns". She found this odd.

With my father being a would be Aspie, I tend to disagree with this, since he was so high functioning socially and had a very good job. In other words many Aspies do struggle with making a living and functioning in society. As if I didn't have enough challenges outside my weight and upbringing? The Aspergirl book, went into how hard it is for Aspies to fit into the workplace, and while I was disabled for my physical problems, I remember the office politics bowling me over and driving me crazy. I could keep jobs pre-disability, but my stress levels were very high.

I have a running theory about Aspergers and weight, one thing I have noticed is there does seem to be a sub-set of people with Aspergers who are very obese. What is going on with that? I met a man who is over 500lbs in my community at a disability group, who told me he is a fellow Aspie and I could tell he was a bit more on the severe side of the spectrum. I wish they would study that. I am researching it myself now. This article says children with Aspergers are taller and heavier then their peers, I definitely was.

I do have a nephew who is diagnosed H.F.A. [high functioning autism] the half way point between Aspergers and full blown autism. I did disclose my mild Aspergers to a few relatives, who agreed with it but it did not change any of the abuse or their attitudes towards me.  But even there the causes of autism or Aspergers are controversial. I muse about the refrigerator mother old school theories about autism and Aspergers given how I was raised.  In my opinion, Autism and Aspergers are multi-faceted probably with different causes for different people. One thing they do know is the rates of it are skyrocketing.

One thing with Aspergers, Aspies do have empathy. That is one claim that angers me when people try and claim Aspies have none. We have it. Aspie females often feel deeply if anything. My life has been one of repressing my emotions around non-understanding neurotypicals, to "fit in", not being a female Spock.

I plan to write more about Aspergers on this blog too. Yes I know, a 500lb Aspie, who would expect it?


I'd never make it in Hong Kong


These are pictures from the Capsule Hotel in Hong Kong.

I always wondered what do fat people do in nations where everything is very small.

One friend told me that when she visited Japan, her 250lb body did not fit anywhere including on the bus and many other places, she told me, I would have been in big time trouble.

I am too poor to travel but wonder what would be the accessibility in nations where there are few fat people?

It doesn't look like it would be very good.

Life Off Spironolactone

Remember how I said I had to go off Spironolactone to go on a kidney drug. Hopefully this will be temporary. Since doing so, my body has changed in some very bad ways. Was I this greasy before? It is so gross, I am almost having to shower twice a day and have! My hair is dripping grease and my skin is so oily, I am having to constantly wash it. I can feel the surge of androgens again as they get higher and higher. I smell "off" and of course have been more bloated and HAIRY! My life with hunger pain is bad enough on normal days but off this drug, the hunger pain [which occurs at 4 hour intervals] is running at crazy levels. Years ago I put myself on an eating schedule, knowing I would be dead on any "free-eating" plan or a thousand pounds if I ate according to hunger pain or bodily need. I'm sticking to it, but I know no normal people are dealing with hunger pain of this level. I hope I can go back on this drug soon, this stuff is driving me nuts.

When They Fatten The Animals Up: They Fatten Us Up!




Good advice here, though departing from processed food, can be financially difficult. I believe my weight would be worse if I had not given up fast food. With the meat, I try to buy organic when I can but have not been able to afford to transition it totally.

Another Fat Hater? Lionel Shriver




A friend of mine gives me old New York Times magazines, and I sit there reading them. This woman made me feel depressed, I guess that is the best way I can describe it. That's one thing about being fat, is you can just be innocently reading a long and then BAM, see one of these types and they are allowed to go on the attack with no holding back. One of the wannabe members of the fat police who find your very existence as one creating disgust. Finding out she wrote a book about a 400lb character I can just imagine what that is like, he probably is described as the fattest thing that ever existed on this planet. One question I have is HOW COME THEY NEVER LET SOMEONE WHO IS PRESENTLY FAT WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THE FAT EXPERIENCE? Ah so wonder I went to a library conference recently on self publishing.....

Instead we get this...

Lionel Shriver Does It the Hard Way

"I’m not surprised they were interested. Your regimen involves running 10 miles every other day, a ton of push-ups and a strict one-meal-a-day policy, of which you once wrote, “By dinner, I’m starving; more crucially, I’m deserving.” I can see how the fact that I eat one meal a day is eye-catching for a journalist, but you know, David Petraeus eats one meal a day, and nobody says that’s a really disturbed relationship to food. The assumption with David Petraeus is, Oh, that’s a military man. In women the assumption is you’re some kind of neurotic"

So wonder she mentions military men, she looks like a female drill-master. I ate one-two meals a day when very poor in my twenties and low on groceries, it just made me fatter! 10 miles every other day? Wow. The weird comment "by dinner I am starving and I'm deserving", rubs me the wrong way. Ever notice how some love to brag about their weight loss efforts and then act superior about it? I'm supposed to want to run to get her book about her fat brother?

Ah then there is this, people can control their weight supposedly.

More judgment from a very rigid and unhappy looking soul....

In 2009, you wrote a column that was dismissive of so-called fat-pride activists, saying that unlike race and sexual orientation, people can control their weight. Was there any backlash?
Maybe they just couldn’t find my e-mail address. I have every regard for how difficult, boring and relentless it is to lose weight. A lot of the hostility aimed at fat people is considered justified because they’re costing our health system all this extra money. But underneath it all is a visceral physical disgust, and I’m very sympathetic with overweight people’s frustrations at that.


As I have written on this blog, who would be fat if they could control their weight? [well unless you can run 10 miles and starve yourself daily, and develop an eating disorder.] The running is out for me, I walk too much and my leg decides it's going to turn red and get infected. She wants people to spend their lives in the difficult, boring and relentless. Is that the reason that she looks like she just ate a whole bag of lemons even though she is getting photographed to be in a national magazine?



Her book Big Brother is written as fiction but is supposed to be based on her own experience with a brother that struggled with severe obesity. I may read it and review it here. Scanning the reviews that discuss the "pathos" and "revulsion" of fat I can just imagine what it is like.

Here she says her real life brother ate himself to death.

Now I am the one who is disgusted.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Human Germs From Obese People Make Mice Fat

Human germs from obese people make mice fat

Monday, September 9, 2013

The World's Fattest Girl: Alice From Dallas



As anyone can tell, I am fascinated by circus fat ladies. Maybe if I had been born 80-50 years ago I would have become one, I'm not sure though. Did they feel the hurt to their dignity as the crowds hooted and hollered at the then far rarer sight of their bodies? For many this was the only way to make a living.

When I was at my peak weight of near 700lbs, that boggled-eyed stares predominated but I had bald spots, and skin sores body wide, the mess that was my body drew interest. In my case, there was more then just the obese angle to deal with. Today I can be stared at still, though it's rarer, because people have become more used to big fat people since their numbers have increased.

In pre-disability days, perhaps many of these ladies had no other options especially if they did not have a supportive family or husband, except to join the circus and travel with the sideshow. It's terrible side shows even existed exploiting human differences for profit, but back in those days what else could a woman in very supersizes do? I do find myself thinking that definitely for the rigors of circus life, these women had to be in somewhat better shape to handle the travel of the early nomadic circus life. There is no way I would last through being put on a train every other day for the next town.

I find their lives fascinating to read about though when I can get articles online. What would it have been like to speak with one of these women and what they faced? Many had friends, many were able to find husbands even others that toured in the circus or played a role. Many did have shortened life spans but some lived longer then you would have expected for that time and place.

Both of these photos shown here are a famous circus fat lady who called herself Alice from Dallas.

[cite for photo]

Alice from Dallas

Born in 1893, Alice Dunbar grew up to be a mighty big girl. Nicknamed “Alice from Dallas,” she worked for Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey for nearly 20 years. Her peak weight was typically billed at 685 pounds, though she was once listed at 702 pounds. Any dresses or muumuus measured six feet around the waist to fit over her stomach. In addition to the Ringling shows, Alice also exhibited her heaping flesh at Coney Island and in her hometown at the Texas Centennial Exhibition in 1940 and at the World’s Fair Museum in 1943.

Outside the circus tent, Alice from Dallas took another name, Alice Julian. The successful fat lady married a circus tattoo artist, named Frank Julian. Happily married, they retired from show business in the mid-1940s. Alice began losing weight, but still left plenty of love handles, having only dieted down to 425 pounds. That was as light as she got. On November 25, 1955, the 62-year-old Alice from Dallas died, appropriately enough, in Dallas.

A New Van Gogh Painting Is Discovered!


New Van Gogh Painting Discovered!

Another Leg Infection? Sigh





My leg got infected again.

I had one in April, the end of June and now early September. There was a year where I had none. I do not know if the stress from the family stuff is making me worse. I noticed I started feeling ill from my birthday, I was fighting off something. Even being reminded of my family seems to be bringing intense stress. The end of June is when I went no contact. No contact now means avoiding even opening manipulative, punishing mail and cards. That said, getting an infection every time one is stressed out, means something is very awry with one's body.

It was only 2 and half months since the last one. I can stay out of the hospital due to emergency antibiotics, but it scares me. It is petrifying.

How do I lose weight being active, I took acouple walks, if my leg is going to implode every time I get a little active? How am I going to have a life?

I am struggling with such severe exhaustion. I believe what ever lies behind the kidney stones, is causing a systemic problem. There is no reason for a controlled diabetic with an A1C of 6.3--that was last months to have literally HUNDREDS of kidney stones? I told my kidney doctor, why isn't anyone getting to the root cause? He is taking the [pseudo] Cushings seriously, it's on the medical reports but seems focused on just dealing with my giant kidney stone.

I am seeing a new endocrinologist Oct 1st, and I'm going to print out some essays from this blog.

This one will be among them.

Why hold back anymore? I feel so sick all the time. I am in pain, my muscles and bones even HURT. My infected leg is getting better so that only hurts a bit. I am sleeping 10-11 hours a day, there is a feeling of fatigue every minute behind me. Right now I could go crawl back in bed and sleep for more hours. I have to rest due to the infection. Trying to hold on to the few activities I can do feels like a battle. One knows at this advanced age how much life has passed them by.

One friend told me keep a diet journal, tell them what you do eat. Well I've tried that so many times. I am so tired, why do I have to go through this.

This body is a nightmare. I know years of this stuff, is affecting me. How do you get a rest from your own body? My husband is doing all the needed stuff but has to work too, can you imagine what it feels like seeing your apartment looking messy, and thinking "Oh I need to do that and that. I"ll get up here and do it", but normal people don't have to get the whip out on themselves to do some dishes or get things together.

And it goes way beyond BEING FAT.

There are other symptoms happening here.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Bus is No Fun For Other Fat People

Dear everyone: Believe me, I’m fully aware that my existence ruins your day

I pray I never end up having to depend on a bus again. I'm too sick now and standing to wait for one or walking the miles between bus stops would never work. Disabled vans used to abandon me for 5 hours at the local library. It was terrible.  They are always too crowded especially in big cities. Anyhow I related to this guy, you get angry stares just for daring to "fill up too much space" being large or fat. I wrote about my fat experiences on the bus here:  "

The Bus is No Fun"