The False Shame of Fat Women Affects Lipedema

                                    a picture of my leg wrappings after I took them off.

I  recently got in trouble for "fat shaming" someone on a Lipedema health support board I won't mention the name of here.

Funny thing judging by this someone's wall on Facebook, they looked like they were a size 10-12 with no health problems and these were pictures over a series of YEARS.  Every other post on their very public wall, was an advertisement for the organization they did sales for, and I asked people several times to go look at these public photos but I guess no one did because they did not believe me. The diet they were bringing up was actually one sponsored by the organization they did sales for.

 I don't think I understand all the rules of political correctness. I thought they were a sales-person coming on a health support board and warned people. Aspie honesty got me  hated by some in a group of neurotypicals.  Later I was banned. Well I was made out to be the "bad" person, even though this new poster included "selling a diet" that had Beach Bodies in the name, and I thought some people believed the same way I did about diets, espousing basic size acceptance principles but I guess not. I was the "meanie" for trying to warn of someone I thought was an imposter. They called me a "fat-shamer".

It's weird to be 500lbs and told I am a "fat-shamer" for someone far smaller and functional then me. Can someone explain that one to me? The liberal world bugs me too just as much as the conservative world and all their "go die in the ditch", "pick a job off a tree" Tea Partiers. The speech controls and endless impossible rules are too much.

Yes I'm a big meanie. The Lipedema world has gotten to be a tough one or me. Some still believe in diets and the fantasy of weight loss. It's weird since all the medical literature rightly says this is not weight that can NOT be taken off by dieting. If anything dieting messes up Lipedema more and sinks your metabolism. Many severe Lippys like me have nutritional deficients. Dieting is a joke to me. I got doctors to finally believe me and got diagnosed. Yesterday I had eggs for breakfast, sandwich, and some broccoli slaw for lunch, and rice and chicken with broccoli for dinner. I am not eating that bad. My blood sugar was 122 this morning. So to be told, that I can fix my body with the "perfect diet" is a dream. Yes I have to watch WHAT I eat, but the dream world of  having a body that functions like everyone else died long ago for me. Thinking a diet will fix this is the definition of insanity.

My own body is full of Lipomas and fluid. I see constant weight changes now dependent on how active I've been and how much I've peed off and every night shrink a bit from Flexitouch treatments.  The hormonal crap foisted on me by Lipedema has affected my life far more. In fact I believe much of the research for Lipedema is being ruined because the focus is on weight loss, diets and liposuctions and not the internal health, and endocrine realities of this disease. Because it is a WOMAN'S disease primarily all it seems is cared about is LOOKS, LOOKS, LOOKS. 

Google Plastic Surgery and Lipedema, or Lipedema and Beauty and you will get a look-see at what I am talking about.

Even the liposuction stuff seems unproven to me. What's going to keep the fat in the legs from coming back? The plastic surgeons are setting up for a new market, and on Lipedema boards for early stage women, one can see the model thin, on there who seem to care most about having sculpted legs showing up who complain of having Lipedema and it makes one wonder. Their reality bears no resemblance to my own hell of Lipo-Lymphedema. I believe that the "worried well" market is the focus in the Lipedema world, where the plastic surgeons are diagnosing otherwise thin and healthy woman with Lipedema to do leg sculpting. There are some who seek out the liposuction who are higher stage and who do truly have the condition and some sincere doctors like one in Germany who see it as a break-through but I remain concerned about how so many of the  main treatments for Lipedema all focus on the removal of fat and "being made thin" instead of the root endocrine and lymphatic causes.

In my case,  I renounced the beauty prison and yes this has been mentioned on this blog but the "beauty prison" seems to be running a lot of the Lipedema world. In a disease that has hurt me, brought me endless pain and destroyed my life on a multiple levels including almost dying of sepsis [leg infections that poisoned my blood] how do you think I feel about this development that the main focus for Lipedemics is to be BEAUTY and LOOKS and doing away with the FAT, and becoming THIN?

I have to admit I was disappointed by the people touting size acceptance beliefs contradicting themselves allowing the discussion of another failed diet to be sold to wealthier women who can afford trips to a giant theme park. It was unjust and unfair for "Beach Bodies" to be advanced among many women who have weighed 400lbs-700lbs from a disease we had no control over. Haven't we suffered enough? This was a contradiction to the max. It felt like a middle finger in my face. Of course I was the one being "too sensitive" for refusing the mainstream cultural mandates.

 I believe one neglected avenue of Lipedema is the psychological and emotional. We are being hurt, by the constant diet talk and the non-answers being sold us. We are told that the shape of our body is the thing most wrong with us and that must be corrected no matter what. While there are good medical professionals dealing with the lymphatic system and MLDs and others out there to help us, the beauty imperatives and prejudice against fat is influencing treatment of a disease in a very negative fashion. Many Lipedema women are reporting that some doctors are pushing weight loss surgery and weight loss as the first thing they "must do" instead of dealing with their failed lymphatic systems. There is a weird focus on "non Lipedema fat". How do they know what's fluid or fat or not?

We are shamed for our bodies constantly and some eat the shame, still acting like it is their fault, and they must all conform to societies impossible demands and still "live in the dream" of thinness one day being theirs. I suppose this is why I got banned from the health board. I am too radical for them and a "trouble-maker" because I got a big mouth and I have written against the diet industrial complex for 5 years on this blog. I have pissed off the size acceptance side out there by exposing their "normalization of obesity" and  health "denials" about severe obesity and I have pissed off others by calling out the "diet industry" as completely harmful to our health. My life values are in opposition to those who want perfect clone bodies among humanity, and who sell conformist "beauty" as the highest ideal above all.

 I threatened the "dream" and even some of the denizens of size acceptance will show their true colors when pressed. They don't want to give the "thin dreams" up and no matter their size support the cultural imperatives, that put thinness and the status of the thin above real treatment and research for a severe medical condition. Maybe if they got to the root of the problem, there'd be far less people struggling with severe obesity.

It reminded me of the Lipedema spokes person who got honored by a top obesity organization with several weight loss surgeons on the board that I wrote about before without naming names.

All the focus is still on the fat and the looks of a body and the SYMPTOMS of a disease instead of the inherent disease process within. Cultural mandates of shame among the fat, affecting treatment of Lipedema. The diet industry is a negative influence on Lipedema and Lipedema treatment. I stand by this belief whether they like it or not.

Public School

Fox News

All part of the game. The middle class will blame the poor people for their taxes, lowered salaries and more, and not look at the bankers cleaning out the till.

The Republican Party Scares Me

I hate both of the main parties but thought I would talk about the Republican party which so many of my fellow Christians seem so enamored with. Being poor and disabled around Republicans can be scary. As people are brainwashed more and more by the Ayn Rand disciples who bow before the "gods" of Big Business and others who think the infrastructure of the 1950s is still in place, attitudes have grown more cruel.  In reality Ayn Rand hated Christians and wrote books where all children and old people were removed, where everyone was strong and healthy and "empowered". Years ago I read libertarian magazines and have read Ayn Rand's writings. She praised selfishness. Yes she did. She wrote a book called "The Virtue of Selfishness". She in my opinion was a sociopath and one evidence was her praise for a murderer.  All she has done is helped brainwash people into worshipping the successful and sociopathic. So, no, I don't consider Rand Paul an alternative either. It can be scary out there.

You see some growing nasty attitudes. Being a disabled person on social security you can become a lightening rod for people's disgust. The news media and other influencers have played "Blame the poor" games so long, instead of looking at the banker bail-outs and trillion dollar wars, some Republicans have been led to hate the poor and disabled. People say the craziest things to my face and one thing someone said to me just other day was that Medicare and Social Security were slave systems. Does that mean I am a slave or just trying to survive?

What do I say to this but if that they didn't exist I'd be in the streets and I would be dead without any medical care? It is a covert shaming, and mean to say to a disabled woman, it is better that you go die, because you are costing the state money. I paid into social security same as everyone else while I was working. My husband paid into it for years too. The shills will scream that social security is bankrupting the nation instead of corporate welfare and pay-outs. 

None of these Republicans will deal with the core matter that many people are disabled today from lack of medical insurance. Remember how I told you many people died young in my old rural town? Here's the real picture there, many were poor or working class without any medical insurance. Life spans aren't as long.  One good job with decent health insurance instead of my lousy may as well have no insurance at all 1,000 dollar deductible insurance at my residential counselor job, could have steered my life a completely opposite direction if my PCOS, Lipedema and thyroid disease had been diagnosed soon enough.

Some of these Republicans act like they want to see people literally laying in the gutter, or consigned to poor houses and urchins living in the streets.  One thing I have noticed among the Tea Party set is that they have NO ALTERNATIVES to offer for the poor or disabled. You are supposed to just go die. By the way all of my narcissistic relatives became Tea Party Republicans disgusted with the poor and those on welfare. Why do these people act like living wage jobs can be plucked from trees?

I remember one Republican from years ago demanding that work camps and orphanages be brought back into vogue. Was that the Grinch? Why do they always go after the stuff that actually helps people, do they realize how many trillions and billions have been spent on useless wars?

Not everyone has a supportive family who will take them in. In fact socially now we have this thing going where there are extremely rich people and very poor ones in the same family. One of my cousins is married to a multimillionaire. Baby Boomer parents can literally have millions while their adult children dumpster dive for food. The Tea Partiers seem to be people with money who don't care if others can't pay their rent or make it in this world. The Baby Boomers and older literally have 47 times the wealth as Generation X and the millennials. Generation X is entering it's 50s and well, the poverty hasn't lifted up. The good jobs are gone. One thing the Republican party may have to get a clue about if it wants to survive, is that poor people aren't going to vote for the people who will put them in the gutter. Now that the number of the poor is rising, it's something for them to pay attention to. 

Then you see the rudeness about those who are on welfare. One meme that was pushed in right wing circles is that everyone on food stamps is buying lobster, T-bone steaks and bottles of wine. The reality is unless someone is a crook, and has multiple identities and EBT cards if you go buy lobster and a T-bone steak, you'll have dinner for one or two days with the other 28-29 days of the month to go without. People are so utterly clueless!

Of course the Republican party and Democrat party both seemed teamed up on ruining the economy so more people are dependent on welfare. Neither deals with the crux of the matter which is the limit of good jobs and the failure of our jobs system. They care more about giving trillions to bailing out bankers rather then rebuilding the infrastructure and abandoning the globalist nonsense that is destroying America. 

Global Economy? 23 Facts Which Prove That Globalism Is Pushing The Standard Of Living Of The Middle Class Down To Third World Levels

I get mouth-droolers when I try to point out that MOST people on welfare are WORKING and the jobs simply do not pay enough. Wal-mart alone probably provides many EBT applicants. Many don't realize most states require that unless you are disabled, and are getting food stamps, you have to prove that you are looking for work or working a set period of time in a low wage job.  Many eyes glaze over when I try to explain how globalism is destroying our economy.

The worship of big business too, is one thing that has brainwashed so many to accept the abusive and "weed-out" job system where one has no more rights and where a boss whose had a bad hair day can destroy your entire economic future. One narcissistic man behind a desk can destroy your entire economic future with a flick of a wrist.  You ever notice the way the job world is run, is never questioned by anyone? How come?

For those who say let the churches take care of everyone, what church has the money for what medical costs cost today? What gets me about the Republican party is as the rotten politicians, import more cheap labor--notice the Republicans are on board with the Democrats on that, and outsource more jobs and support along with Obama trade deals that will destroy the American economy like the Trans-Pacific Partnership, these people seem eager to support things that will lead to their own demise! Both the Democrat and Republican party while they argue about social matters, they are joined hand in hand in destroying the economy, outsourcing the jobs, importing cheap labor, and handing profits and power over to their banker and corporate buddies. In my opinion both parties work TOGETHER behind the scenes. There's a reason Bush #1 and Clinton loved to go golfing together. There's a reason "liberal" Obama has continued all the wars and signed the NDAA-[basically an advanced Patriot Act with more teeth].

                                          [picture source]
There's a reason we may soon be given the non-choice between Hillary and Jeb Bush. Notice the same rotation of names over and over again? Who would be crazy enough to vote for a THIRD Bush but people are. Some think more Populist Bernie Sanders will make it or a more reasonable Republican but come on in every election they have the contenders who aren't as big corporate lackeys that are sent to the corners once the big show time is in swing. Sadly people will act like there is a difference between Hillary and Jeb Bush. There really isn't outside a few social issues.

 
The other day I was in my church on Memorial Day. I like my church and think the people there are nice, though more and more do understand why people are homechurching it. Why on earth in 2015, after all the lies of Bush have been exposed to the entire internet and on both right and left, do I have to hear how our veterans are "fighting for our freedom" in the Middle East.  I believe veterans should be honored but don't buy that propaganda! Do people still believe that? I suppose they do. After all our "conservative" news outlets push that meme even though when pushed everyone will admit we went to war for oil, the bankers and corporations. Our poor veterans are being used and abused putting their lives on the line for the globalists. I wish people would wake up. Sometimes I get tired because the brainwashing is so immense. The shill Rush Limbaugh did enough damage getting people to think a certain way. I am only one person. Yes I've been called crazy for trying to get people to look up what Plan for a New American Century was and to learn the facts about 9-11. It's not easy being a person who is awake and aware in this world of the spiritual sleepy heads.

I'm not a pacifist, but why do so many Christians agree with the Republican party more then the Bible? War and more war, oppress the poor, kneel before big business and the power hungry narcissists. There is a reason why the most sociopathic rise to power in our society. There is wickedness in human nature where people worship unadulterated power and guile. As a Christian I am in political no-man land, I don't want to vote for the Democrat party either.  In my case I was long ago done with both. I told my dominantly Republican church in 2004, that Bush was a wicked man lying to us even the pastor.

Even with the Duggars--you know that family that appears so Christian, they really are cult members who worship mammon and the politics of this world. They are all Republican too, and don't question the system. Now that they have been exposed hiding some pretty huge evils in their household, I am not surprised.

I wish more people would wake up and realize the truth about these politicial parties. The Republican party claims to be the "Christian" party too but it is anything but in my opinion. The "lesser evil" is still evil.

Self Improvement and Achievement Queens and Kings

One question every ACON asks themselves and a popular ACON book is even named this, is "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?"

Out in the world the answer to that may be "No".

The world is being taken over by Self Improvement and Achievement Queens and Kings. 

Ableism, classism and elitism can impact some of us. 

So what does one do when they are never good enough and never measure up enough? Walk away. If someone makes you feel like you are not enough, then it is not a good deal. Sadly we have some trends in society now where everything is about clamoring up to the mountain top.

One thing about American society is that you always have to be improving, or healing or progressing to be deemed acceptable. Those who do not progress or "solve all their problems" or "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" are deemed less persons deserving no love. In a land where competition and status rules, those who don't climb the ladder or even who fell off it are considered human "throwaways". Life is all about moving on, status and competition. If you are not "moving on, you are considered "stagnant" and a "bad person." Anyone who has been poor or deemed the "family loser" by narcs knows what this feels like. 

This has been happening to me lately. I will explain further.....but

I am going to lay down a new boundary, that people have to accept me as I am presently, warts and all, or just walk on. I can't be hurt anymore being told that I am "not good" enough and that I must "change my life".  I spent most of my life being told what is wrong with me by my family and needs folks around me who will tell me what is right.  One thing that can happen to a person like me is you can hook up with people who want to FIX you.

But where is the acceptance in that?

And if you end up in that position, you are a "complainer" while they can vent freely. You don't mind them telling you about their problems, in fact to you it is normal sharing. They don't offend you when they do it, so why isn't it mutual? But the emphasis is on "fixing" you and if time has gone by and they don't see progress they expect, well then things go badly.

I am questioning why this happens to me. Some of me wonders if this was born in the crucible of never feeling good enough and my own constant scurrying to be accepted and "liked" by people. This was formed in the fire pit of narcissistic parenting. Also if one is disabled or otherwise "low status" in society one can fall in this group. It's like we fell into this trap where it's like we have to justify our existence on planet earth. I don't even know how to explain how being the weight I have all these years impacts how I am viewed. 

 Perhaps on my end I do overshare or complain too much and need to work on my acceptance of my circumstances but is that enough condemn someone?  I write about many topics and think about them too, and these are not all happy perky topics, obesity is not fun and games and neither is being a survivor of a narcissistic family. Why do I have to worry about being perky to begin with?

Neurotypicals [maybe not all?] seem offended by any complaints, while for us Aspies, we can talk about things freely and not censor everything about it being "negative or positive".  While too much ruminating may annoy people, it's something Aspies do. I never called anyone up at 3:00 in the morning or crossed boundaries though. Us Aspies can show each other pictures of volcanoes at sea or go see antiques and then on the end complain about how much everything hurts or if something sucks, say so. There isn't this bullcrap I see in the  worsening narcissistic world where one has to weigh and measure each word by status and if they are being a successful human being.  

 Sometimes it scares me that with some of these sorts, I already have been trying to rapidly smooth down the rough edges and still ended up failing. Here within is a major problem, once you have to start walking on eggshells and worrying about what you say, trouble is afoot.  Some are nice to me and I don't even realize I have pissed them off just being who I am. This is something I have to change in me, where I no longer seek the approval of others and be careful about who I expose vulnerabilities to. Sadly some of these people I have cared about, but it gets scary when you realize you have failed their expectations. I don't want to be fixed or anyone attempting to fix me anymore. It just hurts. 

 Here is the facts about my life unless God wills a miracle for me, chances are I am not going to have some incredible cure. I have stayed alive far longer then doctors even estimated. I was almost 700lbs at one point in my life and I am one of the few who stepped away from this.

Many people with Lipedema at my stage have trained themselves for years to hide pain to function. This means inside I can be screaming from my legs hurting or even my neck, and say nothing to you with a smile on my face. There is a reason I can be in bed half the day and it's not laziness, it's called pain management.  If someone wants to deem me "selfish" for focusing on health problems too often, sorry I can't help it. Some of us had to become "selfish" to even survive. If they think I go on about my health too much or define myself by it, I write a blog about health problems of course I am going to talk about it. I live in this body. There is still some fun to be had with taking pictures of butterflies or watching a movie but this is my reality. No one should expect me to hide my health problems to love or accept me. Already I hide a lot people do not know about.

 My nurses and doctors have already told me what lies in the future. I wouldn't want my worse enemy to face what I have with these problems and deterioration. The sad thing is too often those who face huge health problems and sickness realize that our culture today says there should be easy fixes. All prayers are good and we all love people praying for us, but no one should have their self worth fixed to the "health" wagon and whether we "recover" [mental or physical].

I was in this self help group for 5 years. It was for many years a very positive and good experience. I did lectures while there and made cards for volunteer projects.  However I noticed a strain of thought in the last year, that deeply concerned me, many people went to this group to have friends to talk to and shared their problems but some people within this group, kept talking about how people were just coming to talk about "their problems" and were not progressing.  Some people were using the group for friendship, what is wrong with that? Here they were influenced too by the self improvement and achievement focus of our culture that is growing worse and I think has been mandated by narcissists who have turned everything into life into a giant check-list of measuring up and "success".

They would say things like this group is meant for people to "move on" and "heal" they were angry people were not solving their problems.  I noticed unless someone had their life steadily improve that there was judgments to be had. It can really bother a person who is down and out to realize some around you are getting angry that you have not fixed your life. That is disturbing on some levels. Here we have the New Age and fantasy delusion beliefs impacting things here where you see more and more that people think bad things happen to people because they are "bad" or that their lives are "bad" because they are.  This ties into the hatred of "victims". Many things lied outside of some people's control like money and health problems. In my opinion, it was wrong to shame people for not "recovering" or "changing" their lives in the way that some judged them on.

 I thought to myself maybe some people just wanted a safe place to come to and share some of their tribulations. The group for some time was a good place to be. They helped me learn about boundaries and overcoming abuse, and in many ways this group was the catalyst in me growing stronger and giving me the ability to break away from my abusive family. The earlier facilitators were kind people as I stated early.

While my depression waxed and waned at different times, I knew it was something I would have to maintain the rest of my life and did in the years before, and they were helpful with this. So I do not regret my time in the group.

This message of recover or else made me sad though, why was everything about people jumping through hoops and why were some so judgmental? Everyone differs even in the mental health world. Some will be able to recover and heal and more power to them while some may have to struggle their whole life and just maintain. I am no longer in this group anymore, but sat and thought about some of these issues.  I disagree and LOATHE this mentality that everyone must be progressing and setting goals and succeeding to be a worthwhile human being to be a valued and loved and acceptable human being. Some of the people who are advancing this stuff, truly WANT to help another person but they can hurt them with this mentality.

Not everyone is going to have easy fixes. Not everything in this world is SOLVABLE. These are some facts that the achievement set ignore. Disabled people know this all too well, that we almost have to overcompensate for our disabilities and appear like we are always brave, smiling and cheerful. Disabled people are seen as "different" and not fitting in. In a world where you are told to "comform" on an endless basis, what does it do? Too many categories of people today are deemed "inferiors".  I am not the first disabled person to be told I am too "negative", or "toxic".

I think the system now being formed in our society is expanding the categories of people who are deemed "inferiors" and "throw-aways", the people who have jumped on the self improvement and achievement wagons have a certain level of health and well-being. You need it especially in this world. Strong social and family support is important too. This is one way society is doing the divide and conquer game, especially here in America, where the social classes are becoming more polarized, racial relations set back by 50 years, and people are divided according to "success" or "non-success". I live in a very affluent community even as a poor person and sometimes it can be very hard. I don't agree with these values. The bankers and 1% are laughing as they make more money and social cohesion breaks up and everyone is running to "keep up with the Jones's" though today it's not just the station wagon in the driveway or the rancher home to keep up with but the personal "achievements" and carrots on the stick as well. In some places, everyone has forgotten how to relax and just "be". Everything is about getting ahead and self improvement. Sorry, but us ACONs are tired of proving ourselves to people. We had enough of that with condemning parents.

What is sad is with many of the measuring sticks today, a great deal of the populace is doomed for failure and the system is designed that way. The achievement people are caught up in this whirlwind, following advertisments--constant ladder climbing brings profit as people buy products that will "enhance" their lives or themselves, media, and oppressive messages and sadly they can not be happy with those who fall off the ladder or even those who threw the ladder on the ground and walked away.

I see this stuff as growing narcissism in our society, where community life is sacrificed on the altar of competition and "proving" yourself. Empathy is affected adversely when one is told achievement is the most important. People who do not heal from a myriad of chronic physical or mental conditions are told they have "failed" and feel even more oppressed and sad. One question to be asked is who are we trying to impress? Must we live life always on the hamster wheel? What is even more disturbing is when you feel like you have to be someone else to please others. Sorry as Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."

Narcissism in a Commercial: The Bankers Have Bestowed Their Favor!

This commercial is worthy of our disdain. It advances narcissism. Look at the woman who is proud of her high credit score. If I was 18 again, I would drop out of the credit system. It is one reason all the prices are higher then what people can actually afford. The other commercial where the dope has tattooed her credit score on her arm creeps me out, it makes me wonder when we switch to the cash-less society if they will have your credit score showing up on your mark of the beast.

 I am sure my credit score is in the negative range. The only credit card I could get would have 50% usury rates. I find it interesting in this society that we are judged for things beyond our control like a boss on a bad hair day deciding to destroy our lives via "at-will" employment.

This woman in this commercial is so proud of her "mammon" score. She puts her feet up on the surprised banker's desk. Doesn't she know with a few key strokes he could destroy her life and oops not register a few mortgage payments? Her snotty arrogance is how they advance narcissism in our society on some less then subtle levels.

Fat Talk Has Become Old Talk?

 

There should be more women who question what they read in fashion magazines. Baby Boomers, I apologize in advance to the decent people I know in that age group, but that is the generation where our society became so much more shallow and looks focused. It is sad that even some people who are entering their elderly years are still so vain and focused on their looks. I wish some people would question this stuff instead of going along with it.  Now they have gone from fatness to age?

Why Have I Gone From ‘Fat Talk’ to ‘Old Talk’?

 Becker is an author of a new study in the Journal of Eating Disorders suggesting that for some women, “old talk” is the new fat talk — and may be a signal for the same type of physical and mental health problems, including binge eating and depression. For the study, researchers surveyed more than 900 women, ages 18 to 87, and found that while fat talk tended to decrease with age, old talk often came in to replace it, and that both were reported by women who appeared to have a negative body image. (While the problem is much more common in women, men, too, can be at risk, researchers say.) 

Dr. Becker began looking into the issue after the owner of an exercise studio who did not allow fat talk asked how she should handle women who said things like “I look so old” and talked about “Botox parties.” 

For many women living in a society where they are bombarded with images of the young and the thin, body-image problems are a longstanding issue. But Dr. Becker said she had also spoken with women who made it through their younger years largely unscathed only to start worrying about their looks in middle age. “They didn’t expect it,” she said. “They didn’t anticipate it.”

Actually since I reject the beauty prison, growing older in some ways has been freeing. You are judged less for being fat if you are old. Left alone more I suppose? I noticed this as I aged and my hair turned gray and I was walking with a cane. So out of the "I have to be pretty" contest, you stop caring, dress to please yourself and so does the world. I still like fashion and can't wait to wear a new necklace a friend sent me, but it's a different way of thinking.  I may complain about being older, in terms of worrying about shortened time and health problems in my case, but looks stuff, who cares? I know I will never look like the models in the magazines especially after this many years!

Fat Love

I've been with my husband a long time, we are hitting the 20 year mark together next year. I was single long enough to remember when Valentine's Day could be a Charlie Brown affair, with the empty mailbox. Over the years time does change things, we never had children but you think back on all this time together and it is interesting to think about how long we have been together. We haven't had an easy life, and things even got tough when I wanted to move back to my old town and suffered from the grief of that. We have stuck together through a lot of things from my severe health problems to the economic leveling of our life.  Enough time passes and you are with someone who knows you like few others. There is a closeness and different kind of love built in history together.


Being fat did affect my love life, though I've asked on this very blog, was I the world's fattest bride? It seems I was, given that someone in my weight category was given the title. I am not one to seek out publicity or a look-at me kind of approach, so I don't mind I missed the Fattest Bride boat. 

When I and my husband married, I was expected to live only a couple more years, since I was near 700lbs. It did change the formula. Ever see one of those soap operas where the man marries the lady on her deathbed, or vice versa. It was sort of like that but in a more extended form. We did not expect a long future together. At the time I married, I was disabled and had very few medical answers. 

As I have asked over the years, "was it fair to marry someone being so disabled?" The question has been given to him too direct and he says he would have married me anyhow and that he loved me.  

One thing, both sides of the family were against us marrying, some of my relatives for his being poor but more so on his side, his family was upset that he was marrying someone so fat and his family did not show up the wedding. His father told him point blank I was too disabled and even a few years later, said "You can move home, if you want out!" Even some of his friends said, "What are you doing? You are insane to be marrying her!" Ah life can get complicated for us super-fat people. Even on my end, my father said, "Don't marry him, he is too poor!" Relatives refused to come to the wedding since I had left my families church, and he grew up in another church. At the time, we were like the star-crossed lovers determined to be together no matter what. 


 I hated the meat-market dating world and was conservative. I found myself wishing for the Victorian era and that I had lived in the time where women even fat ones were respected and not prone to sleaze balls out for a quick romp in bed. I knew I believed the sexual revolution to be a joke, a Baby-Boomer scourge on the world as it tore down the walls between men and women and destroyed the sexual mores in between. I definitely was not perfect as I ended up living with my husband for a couple years before we were married, this before I became a Christian but remember feeling out of the whole dating loop. I didn't meet him before I was 25 years old and I had gone without any serious boyfriends for quite a long time. 

  

To be sure dating and being fat is a loaded situation and I agree with this. I remember when I was young and single and I decided to go to a singles bar. At this time I weighed around 260lbs. I remember watching the other people at ease, they all seemed so carefree and without difficulty in picking up a dance partner. No one asked me to dance all night and when I asked one man who I thought was nice-looking he scoffed at me as I walked away to hide my feelings of rejection. The only person that asked me to dance was a one-armed man that took pity on me. I could tell he was doing it because he understood my rejection. We danced stared at by all the other chattering fools. I never went back.

While I was glad to be finally dancing, his pity made me uncomfortable. He was drunk and slurred to me. “Hey we are more alike than different, I cant get anyone to dance with me because of my arm!”

I had believed if I had exuded enough confidence, and was proud in my appearance that I would not have a problem getting up on the dance floor. 

In my leaving I had felt defeated and no one but the super-fat person knows the rejection that is waiting for them in the singles world. As I left the bar that night a man yelled, “Hey more cushion for the pushing~!” Sigh.

There was someone years before I wanted to date and was friends with, and well, in this case, he informed me I was too overweight for him and choose my best friend that I was rooming with instead. More rejection. Sigh.

By my experience fat women have taken either three choices in the dating world. Some withdraw never to marry and either live alone or with parents. Some make judicious use of single ads, internet dating and matches and perhaps even now the fat acceptance social world to find their lovers and others overcompensate to prove to the world that though they are fat, they still are sexy and desirable.

Superfat and even midsized fat people are uncomfortable in a world that shows only skinny people deserving of love. Even the average and the plump suffer from the discrimination of the media where never a fat woman is the object of desire. This has only started to change but the stereotypes of fat women as perpetual virgins unworthy of marriage and or sex pots willing to hand themselves over to any man willing to have them prevail.

Often many fat women end up in these predicaments with the societal messages constantly being pounded into their heads that thinness equals love. It’s the reason why “Cathy” in that old comic strip world starves herself for “Irving” and worries constantly about her eating habits. Fat woman either give up, continuously diet or take what crumbs happen to fall off the table.

  

Fat woman are told over and over they are unacceptable in this culture. From Broom Hilda to the Bundy’s extremely fat mother-in-law, fat women are never portrayed as an object of love.  I experienced my own period of no dating through high school and even later when I was 19 and weighed 240lbs-280lbs depending where I was diet-wise. I was told by my parents that to ever get married I would have to lose weight or end up in fat depressed spinster-hood forever, I was told by the media, no man would be attracted to me. My sister and mother banned me from even being a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding at the age of 19 because my then 250lb body was deemed "too fat". I lived in a strange world. Women were supposed to be pretty, thin, petite and gentle, I was none of these. I had exotic looks, black hair, porcelain  white skin but I ignored these assets as time marched on.

I was a fat teenager separate from the dating world where I was more an object of indifference or teasing rather than of lust. I was far from the fattest kid in the school, several other girls outweighed me, but at a size 22, any girl over size 16 was automatically kept out of the dating game. The positive side was that I did not have to face the dangers of teen pregnancy nor venereal diseases but the damage done to my self-esteem in my dateless world would last at least ten years. 

I had learned my lesson well suffice to say and all around me woman had boyfriends, husbands and lovers. I didn’t know any other nineteen-twenty-four year olds who had never been kissed or asked out on a date. I felt weird that something was plainly wrong with me. I was not only fat but a strange "nerd" that was interested in things many others were not.

Love seemed to be another door that had been slammed shut in my face. After all my sister had found someone to love her, all my friends had boyfriends, relatives my age and younger seemed to be all getting married. I was left out in the cold alone, never having even been kissed. Add to that a picture of a non-emotionally supportive family and it was a nightmare.

Small wonder then why many super-fat women bow out of the dating game all together.

Fatness can complicate a love relationship for people in that even the one who loves the fat person is perceived to be unhealthy in themselves why else would they love a fat woman. Thin men who marry fat women are seen as seeking either a relationship of control or one of mothering. Fat ones are couched as fellow "food-addicts". It is impossible for others to see that even fat people love the same way.

After all I was a  29 year old, nearly 700lb bride. I weighed this much on my wedding day as I got a custom-made wedding dress with a veil that reached to the floor and a bouquet that I had hand made out of silk flowers being allergic to the real ones. In a way it was ironic as I stood next to my three good friends to be photographed. All thin, educated, lovely women.  I was the first to marry but some of my closest friends never would marry which I understood.

 Single ad dating to me was  a hobby during that year of 1994 when I got laid off from my teaching job. While I did not expect marriage necessarily, I knew I finally at the age of 24, I wanted a boyfriend. After all I was curious and ready to get on with it. 

The week I met my present husband, I went on two single ad dates. One was with a man that was very slow. To be kind, he seemed to be of a 12 year old age mentally not necessarily chronologically. He worked as a security guard and acted as if he had reached his peak. The other a short Paul McCartney look-alike was an out of work architect that kept talking about his mother and father and how they were so close. I almost did not show up on the date that would guide my life totally in a different direction.

I met my future husband at the Olive Garden. I weighed somewhere in the middle 200s and noticing that my weight was getting harder to control. I was there first always having been rather punctual. He walked in and I was immediately attracted. Things would proceed from there. We would be kissing by the second date.  He was tall, and around the upper 200s in weight. He had golden hair, lighter than I ever had seen before, blue piercing eyes. His legs were thick and powerful looking. He had a kind face. He wore an interesting outfit that fit my then more alternative tastes. While I sat their in a mildly Goth outfit, black fitted tunic and black pants with flats, he was dressed in black chained boots, in jeans and sweater [hey this was the early 1990s afterall] 

We started to eat and then started to talk. He was intellectual, smart, artistic, wrote poetry and music and worked as a newspaper reporter. We were able to talk about everything and anything.  On the phone I knew that we had held many things in common, but are attraction seemed to be beyond mutual interests.We started kissing by our second date. This May will be our 15th wedding anniversary. 

I am glad I have not had to go through all these things alone. He has stuck my side even through all this illness which has shown true love and loyalty. Even last night, he told me as I was getting frustrated about being housebound not to blame myself for being sick and gave me other encouragement. I do not take that for granted not at all. 

  

Does Fat Mean Being Stared At?

Overweight woman photographs strangers staring at her

An obese woman has captured the cruel looks and stares she attracts in public by photographing herself in different social settings. Haley Morris-Cafiero, 37, an artist from Memphis, Tennessee, is seen sitting in restaurants, out shopping and strolling around bustling tourist attractions such as Times Square while curious passers-by are captured in the background. 

Talking about the revealing collection of images she writes on her website: 'I have always been aware of people making faces, commenting and laughing at me about my size.' She admits that her weight has been a constant battle and growing up she often felt 'left out and awkward'. Instead of talking about her body she refers to 'my uncontrollable exterior'. 

On the subject of her eating habits she told MailOnline: 'My biggest temptation has to be donuts. They contain all of the caloric evils in one round, portable container: fried, bread and sugar,' Explaining what inspired her picture series titled Wait Watchers, she said: 'I decided to photograph myself sitting alone on the Times Square stairs to capture my solitude in a busy crowd.

I'm not so sure about this. What if the people were looking at her getting her picture taken? Was the camera even hidden? If it wasn't you are not going to get a fair look, people are going to wonder why the camera is there? In my area of the country, she is not that fat, she is not exceptional, she would blur into the background mostly. Even in the picture above, the woman in the plaid coat is near her size.

She does seem kind of awkward, that alone can attract people's attention. Don't take this wrong, I think fat people have the right to dress badly as everyone else and be left in peace, but I found myself thinking, if I was that size and with the wide variety of clothes in size 18-20, the size I am guessing she wears, I'd be dressed a whole lot better. Clothing comes near and dear for us super-sized folks. She seems to dress "young" for her age. Hope folks don't get upset with me for saying that, maybe I have this personal bugaboo about fat women who dress so down almost reinforcing the role they are expected to play. Rebel a bit, and allow yourself some style.

That may be more about "me", but I found myself thinking and feeling guilty about it, "Why are you dressed so badly, why are you wearing red shoes with the primary colors blue and green!- Fashion alert!" Remember I am poor myself and probably break endless fashion rules, but that one bugged me. She dresses like she is still a teen. Clinton and Stacy could have a field day on "What Not To Wear". I wish she would buy herself a pretty dress and a nice necklace to wear or even something that she is COMFORTABLE in wearing.

Anyhow, one other thing I thought, is "YOU ARE BARELY FAT!" Ok, she isn't svelte, but I could go to the local Wal-mart and find 10 people who outweigh her by at least 150lbs within 20 minutes. Does she expect people to stare being that weight? Isn't this setting one's self up as a victim? And how is someone like myself to feel who is 500lbs who this woman would be functional and "thin" in comparison to?

People stared at me. When I was near 700lbs, I lived in a big city, and well they looked, I was so unique, it was like the circus came to town as I bumbled down the sidewalk at a huge weight. I had to learn to get used to it, and had the attitude "Give them something to look at!" I know today if I am "new" somewhere, I can get the CURIOSITY looks and yes I even get the RUDE looks, every supersized fat person knows. Today I weigh less, but I am still hugely fat and I am tromping around with a hearing aid, a leg double the size of the other and either a cane or a walker. When I go without the walker, I trumble around from side to side with the cane, because my balance is gone so I do not have a normal gait. One thing being an artist myself, my dress style is different, and well I do stand out, and do not wear what people consider "average fashion", think "hippie art teacher" in long dresses. I dress for myself. Yes I sure do, I wear what is comfortable to me and what I LIKE.

She is young, well 7 years younger then me, one thing when you grow old enough, there is less gawking. There is a lot of older and fatter people out there. Past a certain age, it just doesn't matter. Once you enter "grandma" territory, even if you are childless, there does seem to be less judgment out there based on your looks. That said however why walk around in pain from people judging your looks?

My balding head, skin sores, and almost 700lb body was a trial by fire, that allowed me to bust open the locks on the beauty prison and escape for good. I wonder if I walk around now imparting the viewpoint it doesn't matter. Look all you want if you want. Some may say, hey you've left your mug off your own blog for over three years. I posted one picture of my body on here. But isn't that the point? Why should EVERYTHING be about our looks? I want my looks to take backseat to what I have to say. Now what would I say to this lady if I ever met her?  I would say, "you are healthy, you are only mildly overweight, you have a good career as an art professor, life's not that bad!"

Maybe life for me has been easier having spent my life living in two smaller towns, the last one quite small and this one just a bit larger. If a place is small enough, you do ebb into the background with time, everyone's seen you so you are no longer a "shock" or a "curiosity".

I went around my last town and this one, not really even thinking about anyone looking at me. The last time anyone made fun of me overtly, was two times in the last five years. I had this woman at the library give me this horrified look of disgust who turned giggling to her friend next to her, and this woman at a health class for the elderly and disabled say mean things to me for being fat. So it's going to happen. What do you do? Try and stand up for yourself and move to the nice people. There is always going to be someone who doesn't like someone for the way they look or even are.

I just don't buy this idea that a size 18 woman in American society is being stared at for being fat when the AVERAGE American woman is only 3 sizes off.  Take pictures of me walking around, let's see what happens, people in small towns smile at each other. I'd like to catch pictures of people SMILING at me. Am I crazy? The auto shop man smiled at me, the waitress did, the people at book club, when I last got out and around.

Could I make an art show of that? Look I know fat discrimination exists but looks aren't everything. Be someone beyond your looks. Does anyone understand what I mean here? Those other people in the crowd even if they are not fat they have troubles too.

My response to Marily Wann's Latest: "You Can Be Fat and Fit!"

[cite for picture above]

Big Deal: You Can Be Fat and Fit

I am going to start this with the caveat that there can be people of large sizes and large proportions who certainly can be in great shape, aerobically and otherwise. The large sized weight lifter that made it to the Olympics is probably in better shape then most large people. There are football players, wrestlers and others who play sports at heavier and larger sizes. There are many midsized people who do enjoy sports, dancing and active living. All the best to them. Stay as active as you can and enjoy life as much as you can no matter your size. A lot of people MY size are totally bedbound, the housebound doctors have told me, so I even say by the grace of God go I. So enjoy but now I must address yet another article that just adds to the pile of confusion out there. Are there Healthy smaller fat people? Sure. Are the scientists finding proof, that one doesn't have to be a skinny-minny to be "healthy" and when it comes to some problems like pneumonia that it actually may be a detriment...Sure.

But newsflash....this is up to a certain point. In most cases dependent on height, up to the mid-200s line.

Over 300lbs for most people, the breathing is affected, movement is affected and more. I mean how far does the delusion have to go and the active denials? Sad to say this one even made it to mainstream media on CNN

Marilyn Wann states in the article...

"Another recent study found people who were "metabolically healthy" and overweight or obese had no higher death risk than metabolically healthy "normal" weight people."

How many fat people are "metabolically healthy"? That would be an interesting question to ask especially for the supersized given the very idea of metabolism has been set aside by the diet industry. I obviously am NOT metabolically healthy. Though would they say someone at a supersized weight who suffers from eating disorders which has led them to a high weight is? I am a bit confused by that study and doubt it applies to those in the super-sized weight categories.

Wann continues:

"I take an interest in the topic because I'm fat and because I don't have a death wish. I'm also interested because, like so many fat people, I've encountered weight discrimination when I seek routine medical care. I was 26 years old when I was denied the right to purchase health insurance. I had no significant history of illness or injury. I was just fat. That day, I became a fat rights activist."

What is this talk about a "death wish"? I often have pondered what if Wann did get ill? It is strange to me I am still hearing the same lines written in the mid 1990s. Most women her age, she is two years older then me which makes her 46, are starting to face some health problems, that includes THIN women. Most of my friends who have hit the age of 40 or over have dealt with at least ONE health issue that took some degree of comprehensive health care. She seems to have a very strong Baby Boomer ethos rather then that of a Generation Xer with a whole "we are going to live forever" theme to it.

Does illness as a fat person mean having a "death wish" or that you did something wrong? This is the "healthism" stuff I've mentioned in passing.  One ponders this. And who cares if she had some history of injury or illness? Should anyone who hasn't been there think anything less of anyone who has? Should one give out medals to those blessed with good genetics and good fortune in avoiding car accidents, thyroid issues, some arthritis,  a hole in the snow to trip in, or a cup of too hot of coffee spilling on the leg? She is right about weight discrimination in the medical arena, I certainly have explored that issue myself. She is also correct about the non availability of medical equipment but should the response of the fat be an enforced smiles, "we aren't that sick anyhow" response? Or demanding that some changes be made to the above? Yes too much blaming the fat happens and weight loss techniques like WLS that fail and maim and all the biases!  But what if I said to Marilyn Wann, fat is often the RESULT of illness a symptom in itself, that is where size activists who believe the way she does, refuse to get on board. She continues in the article to praise HAES which I of course disagree with. She talks about those living to 65. Long-lived society?, actually the lifespans in America are dropping.

"Here's a finding from the recent research that didn't make the headlines: For people over 65, being fat wasn't associated with increased risk, not even for the fattest old people. When do most people die, in our increasingly long-lived society? Over age 65, perhaps?"

This part of her article really disturbed me though....

"I also learned this week that a highly accurate way to predict a person's risk of dying is to see how easily they can get up from the floor. I'm trying to imagine how different our health care system would be if, instead of focusing on weight and weight loss, caregivers did the sitting-rising test instead."

How many supersized especially extremely super-sized people can get off the floor? I fail this test massively. Why? I fell down twice and know I cannot get off the floor. I was stuck and it was terrifying both times, and in one case, needed three grown men to help get me up to the place where I could finish the job in getting up all the way. Wann seems to have this edge to her articles where someone being sick, is enough to prove them wrong or "bad". That one would be an interesting sociological study and essay. We live in a society now where sick equals someone is "bad", instead of just with the admittance of the natural flow of things on this earth. Why must caregivers do the sitting-rising test? That one confused me. Okay my thin doctor gets down on the ground and gets up? So what? They probably can go camping and other things I miss. What does that prove? Did she think this one through?

With my failures to get off the floor, at least I was saved the medical bills from calling the paramedics to bring me to a standing position. My first fall I wrote about and the second one I had only weeks later, and at that point switched to a walker due to my balance issues. Since this summer there hasn't been any more falls. For years, due to youth, and after my initial weight loss from the massive weight gain, I did practice getting on the floor and then getting up, to make sure I still "could" but I lost the ability with time anyway, and remember in my case, I am not bedbound and tried to stay as active as I could including physical therapy. So what does that test say to fat people but hey you midsized people who can still get down on the floor and play with your puppy or your kids or scrub a spot on the floor are okay and those of you whose weight has become too heavy for you to lift off the floor are not? Is she living in reality here?

Hey I could take some of these edicts from on high if she did admit, "OK I am talking for smaller sized fat people here, I know you supersized or in my case extreme super-sized folks have other concerns" but she does not, she expects the HAES formula to work, and issues a blanket edict of "You Can be Fat and Fit!" Um no..... I am even facing battling a leg infection over the last month, I am not sure what has brought on the reaffirmed battles with leg infections, this time with huge fevers to go along with them, once I hit near 104. Trust me I am sad because I struggled with this for years, having 6-7 of these a year for so long and many times in the hospital, and recently I went almost an entire year without a leg infection in my lymphedema leg and being thrown back into the infection merry-go-round obviously is very frightening to me. I almost have lost my life to this stuff before. What brought it on? I am not sure, and even have the worrying feeling that my intense commitment to a physical therapy and walking program brought these latest infections on despite improved sugars.
Hey I write this blog knowing I live in a society where the prevailing ethos is unless you are healthy and well, [and wealthy in a lot of cases] you aren't worth listening too, but since it's an ethos I reject, I speak out anyway.


Wann continues:

"How much healthier would we be? How much more would we actually enjoy healthy living, free from weight judgment? How much time and money would we save? How much discrimination and human tragedy could we avoid? I'm guessing it'd be tons."

How about just some reality? How about some understanding? How about some size activists admitting that people like me exist? How about telling the truth about weight while at the same time demanding good treatment for fat people and good medical care without shame and hatred even if we are indeed stuck on the floor when we fall down? How about admitting what is going on? 

See:

Health At Every Size? And Healthism in the Size Acceptance Movement"

"Seeing Through the Obesity Lies"

Are Calories Themselves a MYTH?

Calories poorly grasped for maintaining weight:Obesity experts concerned about caloric literacy

I like Dr. Sharma's other writings and website, but disagree about calories.

To be honest, I have wondered to the shock of others, if calories are even "real". A few friends have chuckled saying, "Now Five Hundred Pound Peep, you may be getting out to lunch with this one!"

Some may wonder about me saying, that "Is she insane"? Yeah I know I am pondering something that is a bit different. Just thinking aloud. But what else would you expect of someone like me? Remember I've had enough strange health problems not to buy all the "accepted wisdom" as complete and utter fact. One day if technology and knowledge is allowed to expand anymore and it's not a new "dark age" and if the world hasn't ended by then, well one day, the facts will prove they got fat people wrong, very wrong.

But I always have had that thought lately, I mean given calories don't seem to mean a thing to my body, and I am told all this stuff about how they work, and I never see the evidence, tell me why I should believe the whole "calories in and calories out" myth? Why should I believe fewer calories mean weight loss?  How many fat people do I know that worry about every little bit that crosses their mouths while so many people who are thin, just eat when hungry and let the chips fall where they may, literally.

I know EXACTLY what calories are in everything. I can sit here and add up what I ate today, and yesterday. Every fat person over the age of  25 just about knows every calorie in every food. They drum it into your head. Hey I kept endless food diaries for YEARS. Do Weight Watchers enough and the other stuff, and you got the calories memorized. Toss out a food, the portion, and I bet I can hit within 50 to 100 calories where it's at. By the way for some reason everything you eat out, has far more calories.  I know what foods have more calories then others. With nutrition, given my health food interests and others, I can tell you what foods to eat for healing different diseases. This book is referred to all the time in my household.

They ignore metabolism when it comes to the CALORIES IN and CALORIES out formula, and they ignore the bodily systems that turn calories to fat so automatically and how this system is thrown off.

Hey did you know they literally figured out the calories in food, by lighting them on fire and BURNING them, I kid you not. Any hands? Even Straight Dope admits that is SIMPLICITY, but is the human body simple? NO. Also just adding up the carbohydrates, proteins and fats too seems very limited as well, given that even nutritionists admit to the existence of micro-nutrients.  Hmmm, so if you don't even know everything that exists in food yet? Maybe I distrust science, or maybe I just realize so much of it today isn't as unbiased as it claims. The other day, a food company told me GMOs were safe......hmmmmmm

Do they even understand completely how this energy is utilized? Calories are a measure of "heat", by that alone the fat process is not explained.

How come no fat people ever are studied when it comes to calories?

The math never added up for me. You do realize to be 500 lbs, they expect your caloric intake to be over 10,000 calories a day.  I couldn't afford the groceries. I mean they have so much of our society dedicated to calories in and calories out, and well, all the health magazines, shows, constant beration isn't stopping anyone from getting fat is it? Why do we believe something that does not work? By the way what is with those women's health magazines that tell everyone to lose weight and then put in endless recipes for things like h'ordeuvres dripping in olive oil and 20 dollar a pound fish?

I guess it's like the old days when people believed in spontaneous generation, accepted as fact, not questioned until later. They may light a pound of fat on fire and claim it that it equals 3500 calories and try and divide up the food into the simplest equations, but something isn't adding up. Feel free to disagree with me here, or that I am on too much of a stretch, this discussion is open.

I Reject The Hamster Wheel

One thing I tell people is they have too many standards imposed on people, how many have low self esteem today because they are not a rich successful star of some sort? How many suffer on the hamster wheels of being told they must have the perfect job, perfect body, perfect career, and perfect life? Even Facebook can be an "achievement" contest,where people post pictures that highlight the more positive aspects of their lives as if they are trying to sell their "brand". The people I trust more are the ones who can relay hardship rather then endless bragging about vacations.

I was raised in a critical, hyper-perfectionistic atmosphere where love was in short supply and long lists of your endless shortcomings were announced. When I later became fat, some of the thin family members saw it as a personal affront like I had chosen this way of life. This is why I haven't seen a relative step over the threshold in years of my apartment. This year instead of dragging my housebound and sick self to any holiday meals, I'll issue an open invitation for them to come here and let the chips fall where they may.  Perhaps if I get more brave I will share more unusual family dynamics on this blog, but let's just say, my black sheep status remains fully intact. I plan to rewrite the Sister Fat, Sister Thin entry which was taken down.

  I have to admit even when I read self-help literature and all the focus on goals, I feel my eyes closing and wanting to nod off. The thin and fat thing definitely for women is a core component of this, where if you are fat you are deemed a failure and if you are thin, you are deemed a total winner. My life was strange, even recently going through old papers, I found an old third grade report card where I had gotten 4 As and 3Bs, and my father wrote on the back, "Five Hundred Pound Peep can do much better then this!" Yes I remember that day, where I was told, that my grades were too low and only straight As were good enough.

I was not prepared for how life really would become, early poverty, illness, resiliency wasn't on the menu in a life for where I was told I had to be perfect. Where I was not prepared for life, where I was told that what one "achieved" was far more important then just being a human being. When I was young, I did manage to get a college degree and nearly another and even a few semi-professional jobs, but as my health slide down the crevasse realized that the cries of "loser" were gathering around me. As I said love was in short supply and compassion and mercy were as well. One female relative would tell me even in recent years when I took ill at her house, that "You have nothing to show for your life!". I suppose she considered my thrift shop furnished apartment as a poor reflection on her or something.

I understand people wanting to set goals and thinking that going forward in life is a good thing, I think these are positives as well rather then just sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life. Some of my goals is to get a graphic novel done, complete a physical therapy program and stay alive. But sometimes I get worried about all the standards that human beings are expected to meet and the messages they get if they do not do meet them. I told a group I belong to which is a self help group, "I am tired of goals and all these standards, all they do is make us unhappy, a lot of it is about making us ever consuming consumers via our overlords!" By "overlords" I mean those who set the standards, corporate pundits and all. Those who profit off telling you what to care about and working you into the ground.  You know the people who write the women's magazines, and tell you that you must have everything from a perfectly flat stomach...WHY? to totally smooth feet to a house where every counter top is gleaming 24/7. Here is another point, has anyone on their deathbed ever said, "I wish I spent more time at the office?"

 I tell people jump off the hamster wheel! Even Europeans and those from other countries are saying Americans have forgotten how to be happy and I think its true. We are in a growing narcissistic society where personal achievement is everything and happiness and love are in short supply, along with this is one reason disabled people are facing some hardships.I avoid all the political nonsense on TV where they want to tell someone like me, I am the reason the budget is collapsing, while they paper over multi-billion dollar bail-outs and call for even more wars that will cost trillions of dollars. Being superfat in a society, remember I do not wear a sign that says "GLANDULAR CASE" HERE, where people see you as a sign of everything evil in society posting a picture of a 600lb hapless man on a scooter, is not easy either. Yes, I have had "Loser" ring through my head long enough. What entitled me to survive? To see God's standards and to realize our society has gone nuts, and psycho dissolved in a spasm of self-pride, where love of others is suppressed behind impossible standards. Well who determined these standards? Very few question where they come from. Even in some psychology magazines they tell people set goals and it will seemingly make your life perfect. Sometimes I think people would be happier if they were told they could go have a little bit of fun and rest instead.Note to the babyboomer generation, [sorry in advance to the good babyboomers I know] people age die and get sick, bad things happen, not everything on this earth is fixable. Life is short, I do not want to chase a carrot on a stick for the rest of my life.

One trap fat people fall into is, the life deferred for when they will be thin. Supposedly they tell me I will become a thin person if I set enough goals or even get the diet just right. Trust me thin people are in shock at what I cannot eat.  I know people mean well and have the best intentions, but this week I am just trying to keep from throwing up and having bowel pain, pears and bland food are winning.  I woke up long ago and thought, I will never be what THEY want me to be. I have not met any of the standards. I am not thin. So what now?

I jumped off the hamster wheel. 

and I measure my "achievements" by other standards.

NOT THEIRS.