Friday, January 2, 2015

Why is my Life so Rotten?

Dear God, Tell Me Why It Went So Bad.

Sometimes even a Christian wonders why so much is going wrong. I don't buy into the Christianity that tells me if I have enough faith the piles of money will show up like Joel Osteen but sometimes I am serious wondering why the suffering quotient is going up so high. My husband bless his soul too, has been shaking his head regarding our collective misery. I have to pray about what is becoming of me and seek the spiritual answers too.

Sick And More Sick With No End

Why was I on antibiotics for three weeks, [swollen saliva glands] and then got a leg infection this week? That scares me. Maybe the doctor's aren't calling me back because they are stumped too.  All Aspies hate making phone calls, I can cry from the stress of trying to get something I need from neurotypicals. How pushy should I be? Should I yell at them yet? Will I offend them and ruin the medical relationship? Did I say the wrong thing? I may tell my doctor who knows I am an Aspie, that I can't take it anymore and want extensive refills on my antibiotics.

If anything the antibiotics should have prevented a leg infection. I did not have any leg infections for a year and a half. I felt free and like I had hope, only now to realize that has now passed like a fart in the wind.  I did my Flexitouch every day, except 1 day when I had the flu for 7 months. I wrapped without fail. Why am I being punished for something I did not do? I worked hard to keep my legs from being infected. I don't want to go back to the leg infections slamming me, and being afraid everyday. When they hit it is like the worse flu on earth and 4 days ago, I got a revisit to flu land with a high fever and pain. Will they even believe me? Or will they think I was not compliant when I was to the max?

Typhoid Mary ruined what little good in my life there was. I am sure by now she is on another tens of thousands of dollar cruise, enjoying her life. She would cry if she had my life and was forced to give up recreational shopping and traveling.  I am sure as I almost puked my guts out this morning from stomach acid run amuck and handed two-thirds of my income over to keep a roof over my head--my husband pays the other bills and put the check in the manager's slot yesterday, that Mommy Dearest is busy shopping from her second home in a warm state and going out to eat and enjoying her life.  Fun for them, and constant misery for me. Why?

Why did I win the CRAPPY LIFE AWARD? The only people suffering more then me are in prison or the street. I even watched Intervention the other day thinking, look at those thin bodies, and their families still love THEM with a feeling of jealousy. I know people aren't supposed to feel sorry for themselves. I have to smile and act with it, so I don't scare people away in the regular world and since this is my blog why not be honest. I know nice people around here who have helped me, and don't want to stress them out more. How did my life become such a mess? Every one I know who hit my age, got at least one break. Where's mine?

I'm supposed to start a new lung medication today but afraid wondering what else will go wrong?

Nothing but Endless Disappointment

I have gotten to a place where I expect disappointment. That is not good. I have prayed to God incessantly about what to do about my rotten life and have hit a brick wall.  I am sad and upset about many many things.

Self-help and endless advice books do not provide the cash or decent body I need to be happy.  Every time I relax and get happy inspite of these things and it has happened on occasion, it's like the rug is pulled out from underneath my feet. There is a void in too many places I can't seem to fill. There are things I want to do that keep getting thwarted. My life is one where I am too tired to do everything and crying in frustration about all my undone tasks and people I have failed. The literal physical exhaustion is wearing me down, and I fear a totally bed-ridden life awaiting.

I don't want to be Aunt Scapegoat with her head hung down, and the black cloud growing and sitting alone one day staring at a wall totally broken. I am scared.  I do not want to be her. I fear spiritual destruction at the hands of my Job-like existence.

 What happens to someone who is an outcast mentally whose body is an enemy from hell? Now I understand why people do drugs and drink themselves into oblivion. I don't recommend this of course but this world sometimes has so much sadness on the menu.

 For seasoned ACONS who I know read my blog, please tell me if this can be the stresses of no contact. A lot of people disappointed me within the FOO beyond measure. Why can't my brain stop ruminating about it? Am I buckling under the pressures of my year and half into no contact, having to walk away from the majority of my family and severe disabilities and financial problems combined? What if I am tired of having to be strong?

I Need Something To Look Forward To.

I need something to look forward to. Why can't I have ONE THING to LOOK FORWARD TO? I have hope in heaven but I need SOME HOPE in this life.  I do not think it is wrong to pray to God for some hope in my earthly life too or even just a time of respite. If I was a normal healthy person, I would hit the road right now seriously, go somewhere warm, go find some FUN.  Hey I could do this now but it would mean not paying the rent and flirting with homelessness. There must be some reason I keep telling my husband as a joke, or maybe it's not a joke, "Lets run away!"

All 12 step programs warn about the geographical cure not working but sometimes you just feel trapped. You want an escape from the grind. Some people with jobs may say "Every day is a vacation for you! Shut yer trap!" but everyone needs time away.

Positive Thinkers Prattle On

The positive thinkers would tell me, "you're not thinking positive enough", this is why nothing but bad things happen to you. In other words, the whole you are creating your own reality. But the inverse of that is they are just like my narcissists who told me everything bad happening is my fault. Both things are wrong.

 I'm sick of thinking everything is my fault. I am sick of being told if I do this, that and this, that the results will ensue. I spent three hours a day on my stupid legs for the last year and half and my bad leg still betrayed me. Why don't I get good results? I am sick of waiting for the hammer to fall, for the car to break down and the streets awaiting. I need a break.

If you were my life coach, what would you tell me?


  1. There's nothing I can say to make you feel better about your circumstances. But I can tell you I've been following your blog for approximately two years - I discovered you on House of Mirrors - and there are few out there who have touched me as you have with the wisdom and understanding you possess. I know this is small comfort. I will continue holding you in my prayers.

    1. Thanks Smakintosh, I appreciate the nice words you have about my blog. One good thing about crazy life, is it can teach you a lot of things. :) Appreciate all your prayers, God Bless.

  2. Hello,
    I can't remember how I found you, I think I Googled "Scapegoat" and have been reading ever since, about 7-8 months now. First time I have commented, and felt I should say - thank you for writing your blog, it's helped so much. I can hear and feel your pain, I wish I could help you and without wanting to sound trite and patronising, if I were your Life coach, I would definitely suggest that you stop expecting disappointment - you don't deserve it. One of the narc's in my life does this - all the time, and she gets disappointment, all the time! I know it's hard, but please, for your own sake :)


  3. Thanks AHG for your first comment. I am glad you found my blog and thanks for your nice words. Yes some of the pain I am going through is hard. I think one thing that happened to me to deal with life is I lowered my expectations so I would not be hurt as much. It was to prepare myself for the bad stuff ahead of time. It became part of my overly vigilante nature.

    This can be bad, in the way, that you can get stuck in the mode of expecting disappointment. I try to see the good where I can but the feeling of doom over my head tempers everything and that isn't good either. Even when happy things happen, I have this feeling of them being fleeting rather being able to live in the moment. I know I grew up afraid to show happiness lest they squash it, and it is part of that picture.

    I think you are right you can at times get stuck in getting disappointment. I don't think I am setting up life for disappointment but maybe if a person is so stressed and worried they miss more of the good. Maybe a reset button is needed. I wonder what the life coaches say to those with a lot of grief and loss, one thing I did do, which probably kept me out of the psych ward was focus on some of the smaller pleasures, but I get tired of the black cloud of doom and worries and world weighting on my shoulders. I don't want false positive thinking but maybe a more measured reality. I think being a scapegoat, I spent so much of my life trained to watch out for that shoe to come smashing from above. It would be nice to see a blue sky above me for a time not worrying about it.

    1. I would like to be free of the black cloud of doom, worries and world weighing on my shoulder. One thing I have noticed in myself, is I am FINALLY breaking free of the BLAME YOURSELF FOR BEING SICK, and all that nonsense they drilled into my brain. Peeling this onion seems to be taking me a very long time and there's more chains to cut, but better I'm working on it then not. Thanks, you gave me a lot to think about AHG.

  4. I have know this blogger since 1987. Her family is REALLY that bad!

    1. Hi *******!

      This is one of my college friends I've known forever. Thanks for your back up!


  5. Peeps family is pure evil Anonymous. It's a miracle....I mean this in as literal a sense as I can make it....a MIRACLE she survived the lunacy. Peep has got to be one of the strongest women on the planet. God, I wish I could give her a hug and about $20,000....

    1. Thanks Smakintosh. It was pretty crazy. I think back then I knew in a way things were not right! I think it's a miracle too I made it this far!

  6. I don't buy into the prosperity gospel either. It doesn't cover any hard times which the bible says a Christian will go through. Plus too, if you don't get what you prayed for then you haven't prayed enough or some other fault of yours through simple human effort. I can do very little through human effort. I'm not always believing as I should but that makes me human.

    I've often pondered so many questions myself. How come we have to suffer while God has all the resources to fix it right now. He can fix you all up right now. Give you a good body to enjoy your life with and money too. And now you have to pray to have the faith to hang on.

    Praying for faith is not a bad thing. I have seen that when the material possessions come into the forefront of prayer that a simple prayer for faith comes as a welcome to God. He will honor that prayer.

    I knew a family with 9 kids where the mother died of breast cancer. Of course the family prayed for healing, of course, but she died anyway and the oldest daughter at the tender age of 12 had to step up as a helper to the dad. They were Christians, who relied on prayer and from then on their family favorite scripture was, "Be thankful in all things." I think that is found in 1 Tim.

    I know that God is in control in each and every situation. I don't know if that gives you any comfort, but yeah, I just keep in mind that He is in control.

    I've pondered this and this is what I've come up with.

    1. Thanks Joan S. Your words have helped me a lot. I agree about praying for faith for these type of trying times. The Bible does tell us we will have tribulation which the prosperity preachers go on about.

      John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

      That family sounded like a strong set of Christians, I am happy to hear about them. It's true God is in control. I do not believe bad things happen from God--don't think you do either, but definitely God will take care of things in the end. Thanks so much Joan. :)

  7. Hi Peep,
    I don't know why you have a rotten life with no breaks from God. I asked similar questions 20-25 years ago and got kicked really hard by those who were sure they were true Christians. I think since you are still new to NC, you are still mourning that people in your so-called family don't love you and you are dealing with narcs outside the family who are making your life harder. The health issues and the re-infection of your bad leg might be from a devil. I don't know why you have problems with your health despite your efforts and improvements for 18 months.

    I think a life coach will tell you to take inventory of good things in your life for now, write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall for you to read every morning when you wake up. You could write down a list of bad things in your life and put it somewhere in your desk. Some therapists might make you write a letter to people who hurt you but don't send it. You could put it in a private place for now and then burn it in a fireplace when you feel ready to discard this particular person for good. You might want to write a Job-like letter to Satan for screwing your health and bringing a selfish lady to a meeting sick, for legal problems, for statute of limitations that kept you from suing, and for convincing many people to become narcs, etc.

    I don't believe in prosperity gospel either and I am unsure if my life coach advice are helpful. Other people above sounds good. I also want to tell you that during my second year of NC, my life was not that great either and I yelled a lot in order to get heard. Don't give up on your life. I will pray for you.

  8. Hi Anon, Thanks for your words too. Yes I do not know I have not gotten any breaks in this world. I have prayed to God and asked too. Right now I am questioning the whole blame game and letting go of it, see above.. Us Aspies are more vulnerable to narcs too. We don't know how to connive--don't have the social skills even if we spiritually even wanted to and play the endless social games.

    For me my hard times seemed to have been life long. Even my happy years in my old small town 1999-2006, I was fighting to stay alive during them and almost died in 2001. I think I am new enough to NC to be in mourning for the family because for me this wasn't just one or two people but having the whole extended family [on both sides] wiped away due to a very powerful narc. She silenced me so effectively I don't even know where to begin. I still have extremely minimal contact with brother and cousins for possible DNA but it is is ebbing away, they don't really care about me either and have chosen my mother over me a multitude of times. Not having any children and losing an entire FOO is not easy business. The narcs outside our life are making our life harder, you are right about that. We both feel ground down by the dog eat dog world.

    I agree some will say take an inventory of the good. I try to everyday, focus on good stuff. I enjoy blogging and my hobbies, those help a lot. I am glad I have my husband though he is being ground down with me. I have written the letters and not sent them. After the final NC letters, I had to practice self control in not sending Mini-Me and Queen more kiss-off letters and get to the place of knowing I had already said everything. Maybe writing other letters and getting rid of them without sending would help. There's nothing more to say to any of those people or their minions. I said it all and they weren't interested. I pray of course that I will be able to find my actual would be birth family but would proceed cautiously even there. Yes I feel like Job,everything wiped away. Some believe Job had his life replaced while alive, while some believe he is in heaven when everything was restored but the message is that everything will be restored to those who are God's children.

    I am glad you do not believe in the prosperity gospel either. I suppose as the economy falls, their false messages arent holding up as well, but I am surprised they still get the numbers of people they do. Thanks for your support. I am sorry your second year was hard but it is good you made it through. I suppose some anger is a natural process in all this. I won't give up on my life and thanks for your prayers. :)

  9. Peep, I don't cry easily but this post had me in tears. I often and for most of my life have felt exactly the same way. No, I don't have your health problems but my whole life I have felt like a failure, a loser, someone with no talents, no skills, painfully shy because I'm aspie, paranoid, feeling like God (who I wasn't sure I even believed in) was putting me up as a joke, an "example" to others of how not to be. Like you, I looked at other people's families who actually loved them and gave them the life tools they needed and wondered why mine were so cold and distant and disapproving of me. I was suspicious of everyone's motives, and always, ALWAYS under the thrall or spell of a malignant narcissist. Sometimes more than one at a time.
    I didn't realize that was the whole problem--that and no perspective. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees,
    There are many days (most days) I still feel like a colossal failure, but because of blogging I found my purpose. I don't get paid for it but I have a good feeling about it.
    That's where I think you are headed too, Peep. You are an excellent, entertaining, heartfelt writer, with one of the best blogs I've seen on narcissism. Either that or your art. Your paintings are beautiful and you can write. Perhaps you can write a book on Amazon - it doesn't cost anything (I don't think--I have to look more into that) but I think your story would sell. You could even illustrate it with your wonderful "fat lady" paintings. Your life may have been painful but I think there is a purpose for everything--and God gave you this life in order for you to help others, and I think that's going to be through writing or art, or both.
    I don't know if this would work for you, but I know I want to write a book at some point. I really feel like God is showing me my path that I have searched for all my life, and my difficult past was meant to prepare me to write about it and help others once I helped myself.
    I'm not trying to be a know it all, Peep or tell you what to do, but I really think you already know this and are ready to take that next step. Don't give up on God (not that you are)--we don't know what his motives or timetable are, and all I can really tell you is there is a plan, you have not suffered this all in vain, -- Lucky Otter
    If you don't mind, I'm going to reblog this on my site, and maybe you'll get some answers there too. Looks like there's already a lot of people who care about you, Peep.

    1. Thanks LO for sharing that, I appreciate it greatly. I am sorry you have gone through what I have too. I think the Aspie and Narcissistic parent mixture can be one of the most painful things to deal with. Aspies already face many challenges with social confidence, finding themselves, life skills and many other things that a neurotypical may struggle with under a narcissistic parent, but for us it's going to be a lot harder. It helps me knowing you have felt the same way, you didn't have the addition of the health problems like me but these are struggles I've had life long. I and my husband sometimes have these conversations where we ask "What happened, and why did the world throw us away?" I sure know my family did even before I walked out the door. I was told I was a loser, and worse, and it felt like everything was so difficult. I know life is hard for everyone, but so many seemed able to find a place, and not to constantly struggle. Before I was a born again Christian, I didn't think God loved me either, so even had those thoughts for many years.

      Yes I looked at other families and saw the loved people who were included, accepted and cared about and thought "What is wrong with me?". Even with the disabilities, as I have gotten older, I noticed other Aspies and disabled people even those with severe obesity challenges [I have the lipedema of course] being loved and cared about. I was prone to narcissists too though at least avoided malignants in my romantic relationships. I don't think you are a failure either but yes, I was told this for many years even when I got through college and had the semi-professional jobs. I am glad blogging has given you a purpose and hope you can keep up with it. It is a great part of my life.


    2. Thanks for saying the kind things about my art and more. I did try to write a book some years ago when I had my huge weight gain and took it to publishers. I may reconsider another book. I have the comic I'm working on now for fun but have not sold anywhere. Some of the publishers would tell me "Come back when you have lost your weight gain!" Aaargh, the book was against fat discrimination and they didn't have a clue. With more of a resolution I have another idea but struggling with all this health stuff I hope something can pan out. I even wanted to do another DYI art show but got sidetracked with the health stuff. I do spend 4 hours a day plus on health related things so literally for me it is like having a job to stay alive.

      I hope you can write a book too LO, I would read it. :) You are a greater as well :)

      I won't give up on God. I hope too there is a reason for what I have gone through, both of us are using what we have gone through to help others and that is a good thing. God bless you Lucky Otter.

      You are right I [and you too] have many people who love and care about you. They may not be our families, but our true family is who loves us. Christians of course have the family of God as well.

  10. Peep, I actually embellished my reply when I reblogged it on my blog--you might want to read that one instead of what I posted here.
    I hope and pray everything gets a lot better soon. -LO

    1. Hi LO, I will post response there and here too. Thanks for posting on my article. :) and your prayers.

  11. I just felt the need to comment. I have not been blogging much lately because of the circumstances of my life, but I felt I wanted to comment.

    When I embarked on my journey of my personal crisis, I started to go to a group meditation. It was a bring your own God type meditation. I liked that because although I love and respect the Hindu religion, it is not a good fit for me.

    I have looked at this time as prayer. My experience has been very healing. I started to cry when I first went and that lasted for many months. It was the first time that I had cried since I could remember. Nobody ever saw me crying because I was quiet and they turned the lights down. So I would soak my sleeves, literally. I cannot explain why this happened, it was the first time and place where I had ever cried. Eventually the tears started to slow down and I started to concentrate on other things.

    What I learned there from someone who speaks before the meditation, is that God has created us all perfect, it is us who divert ourselves off of our own path for what ever reasons we do.

    So I pray to God for Him to show me and guide me back to me. I have never found anything more comforting. I now try to look for my own truths, and I do get glimpses of them every now and then. Now I have tried to be honest with myself and with everyone else (not always!) I am still on the journey.

    It is still difficult and I wish God would work on my prosperity too, but he has always provided me enough to get what I need. It is still an excruciatingly slow process, but I believe that there is a lot that I need to learn. And I am learning so much and it has alleviated a lot of angst from my life. Not all of it, it is still a work in progress.

    So remember that you are already perfect, you just have to spend some time with yourself remembering who you are. God will be there to help you.

    I also wanted to mention that I thought I had Cushings. I never had the lump on my back but, there was the mysterious weight gain. For many years I struggled with having a bowel movement. I tried everything fruit only diet, gluten free diet, grapefruit diet, raw food, protein shakes, high protein, low carb etc. etc. Yes I exercised too, lifted weights, aerobic, spinning. I am sure you know the drill. Things would work for a while but then my weight would come back with a vengeance with the additional lbs.

    I gave up, and I never want to do that to myself again. Luckily for me, when my husband walked out on me, all of a sudden I was able to have regular bowel movements. At the same time, I also started to eat what I wanted which is a lot of fat. I always hated breakfast so I stopped that too. Now I may just have a cup of coffee with about half a cup of full cream! I eat bacon and wipe my bread in the dippings with butter. I have never felt more satisfied with eating than I do now. I have no problems eating a few slices of pizza or a nice greasy cheeseburger (with fries) late at night.

    Mind you, I still have only lost a few lbs. but everybody says that it looks like I have lost more.

    I cannot explain any of this, and I would never say that it will work for you. I just think that the mystery of weight gain is still a mystery and all of the doctors are just guessing. I think that bariatric surgery is barbaric and it causes more health problems.

    I really love food, and I enjoy eating and cooking. Now I do it guilt free. And that is a great feeling.

    Most of my health problems have subsided and I think that it was directly related to the stress from my 20 year marriage to my husband.

    I do not want to live in fear anymore, so I try to trust God to guide me and so far it is working for me. Mind you I still have my moments of doubt.

    Just some thoughts from me.

    Could you also send me a link to the pix of your paintings? I have been thinking about painting again and I would love to paint large women. I think they are so beautiful on canvas!

  12. I was praying asking God for confirmation that He is in control. I got an answer and a testimony I just have to tell you about.

    Well, my youngest daughter, the one who is narcissistic, had a baby boy and I've been praying almost incessantly, and crying, worrying, putting it in God's hands, then taking it back, giving it to God, then taking it back etc.
    Plus too, I've been worried about their money situation as she and her fella don't have much in regards to stuff for the baby. We had a baby shower for her, bought her some stuff, but there is just so much that a baby needs.
    Well, someone called me this morning from my church. I don't know who she is and she got my number from the directory. She told me she had a truckload of baby stuff (clothes and other needs) to give away and was wondering if I knew someone who just had a baby boy (all boy stuff).
    This is amazing. God has just told me through this that he is taking care of that baby boy, and He is in control. I can't stop crying.