Monday, June 26, 2017

The Disabled: Scapegoats of the Republican Party

I am with ADAPT in spirit for protesting the cuts to Medicaid and Medicare. If the health care bill is passed the cuts will be so deep, disabled people know our lives and health will be in danger. I probably will lose my main doctor and the office will have to close.

 Many disabled people depend on Medicaid and Medicare to live independent lives in the community via waiver and other programs not to be warehoused in nursing homes.The Republicans are trying to wipe away money for all these programs. The Republican party has promoted hatred of  many groups, but disabled people are chief among them.

 This reminds me of Nazi eugenics, where disabled people were targeted first to be disposed of in that case. Think about how no options are being offered to replace their Medicaid and Medicare cuts, but "go die". I almost did die before I was able to get on Medicare. I remember the years where I could not afford or get medicine or treatment, sure the ER would keep me breathing, if I went into severe acute asthma attacks but once I was "stable" I was dispatched home with nothing more. I suspect even these rules will be changed one day.

I can't tell you how it feels to live in a country, where more and more, you are told that your life is not valued. It creates a dread inside that is hard to fathom. There is more hatred for the disabled now. I feel it among the Republican set the worse too.  One is JUDGED. I and my husband have explored options, it is scary. We have said, ":What will we do if it gets bad enough?" 

I am going to write about how my family has adapted scapegoating Republican attitudes of eugenics towards the disabled and how the ACON life is affected with the double barrels of abuse and disability married together. They told me to my face my life was "less worthy". How do I explain the triggering of PTSD as they work to wipe away programs of decades in age that served as the safety net for so many? By the way I used to have Medicare be the supplemental to being insured under my husband's employment, for YEARS. I didn't need Medicaid back then, but now that the bastards have wiped away all the jobs and employers have cut medical benefits down to nothing, we have the worse politicians at the worse time in history.

One thing I have noticed is there has been a decline in the inclusion of the disabled in society, these hypocrites won't provide jobs or employments with people who have disabilities but are still able to work. The Republicans if anything promote the weed out rules, and the endless oppression. They have nothing to offer us in trade. Do you see any talking about job programs for the disabled who can work? Do you see any talking about housing or other options? Trump by the way has cut housing funding too for a variety of programs, including disabled and elderly housing. We live in private housing for now, but there goes even more options in the future. The death panels are here today, and being run full force by Republicans.

In talking with Republicans, it can be frightening, I unfriended one woman on Facebook, who was big into the "pro-life" movement, That was ironic. She told me my health problems should not be paid for by her, and that my most honorable position would be to go die instead of being a burden on her taxes. She advertised herself as a Uber-Christian, I see her as a Satanist. She had no qualms about more money for war or the endless war on drugs. Talking to these people time and time, they go on about "productive" citizens, and by "productive"they mean employed and making a certain amount of money and volunteer work and other causes don't count. I still remember that ex-project friend and how I unfriended her the day after she shamed me for being disabled, and told me I was a slave to Social Security. She was supported by her parents into her 60s and got free rent. I cut off toxic people who have Republican "go die in the gutter" ethos about life. These types have no mercy, no goodness and the scary thing is how many consider themselves "Christians",

The disabled have become a scapegoat in American society, and I have noticed the target painted on our backs. Ever wonder why the disabled are the focus for so many cuts. Why has Trump and his men gunned for us first?  When a society goes fascist and loses honor and goodness, they no longer care about the most vulnerable in society, and that is who it starts with. Sociopaths go for the easy targets. It started in Nazi Germany too. We know Trump has other scapegoat groups he has gotten the peasants to rally against. First they came for the disabled. I feel terrified for the wheelchair bound and the disabled who cannot speak up for themselves, this is a cold society and growing worse. Nazi Fascist America, where sociopathy equals "strength". Notice how the politicians did not try to talk to these people or compromise or offer discussion, they just had their hired jack-booted thugs, drag them away in the worse way possible, even removing many from their wheelchairs and mobility equipment.

The disabled have no other choice but civil disobedience, especially if our lives are on the line. I fully support ADAPT's protest. I am protesting myself too as much as my health will allow.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Why Don't You Smile More?

Ollie is right about the comments on facial expressions, of course the powers that be want smiling serfs and pod people. I used to get the "you are so intense". I find this interesting because I blamed a lot of this crap on having Aspergers but maybe it's from being an ACON TOO, or I got it double! It's interesting when Ollie says that narcissists think "This is someone I can get the better of!", that makes some sense to me. I mostly don't appear relaxed in public, why would I be?

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Storm Pictures

The other day this storm approach, it made for some interesting pictures. I have seen "shelf"clouds before but I have never seen such a weird streak in the sky as I took several pictures. One odd thing about this storm is it had very cold rain once it hit. There was no hail or tornadoes but it was a very hard rain. The first picture is of the storm approaching. The house pictured is not mine but one we drove by. I was around 10-15 miles away from home when this storm hit.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Reader Survey and Feedback

Please respond in comments. I didn't want to mess with widgets and all that. I want to get reader feedback on the blog. Sometimes bloggers should do this to see where things are going. My traffic has remained pretty steady but I think especially this long in, it's good to get some feedback.

This is an informal survey, sorry I have no prize to offer at this moment but the opportunity to present your opinion. Be nice, some criticism is allowed but narc comments like "You aren't positive enough"  or "Why are you still fat?" aren't going up. All questions are optional you can respond to any you wish or not.

1. How Long Have you read the Five Hundredpoundpeep blog? [the blog started in 2010]

2. How did you find the Fivehundredpoundpeep blog?

3. List in Order of Preference your preferred subjects to read about:

A. Fat and Obesity Issues
B. ACON Adult Children of Narcissists Subjects and Peep's Personal Experiences
C. Cultural and Political Topics 
D .Economic Topics 
E. Lipedema
F. Aspergers
G. Disability Issues
H. Peep Art Work and Photography

4. What is your favorite article that Peep has ever written?

5. What is your least favorite article that Peep has ever written?

6. What are some subjects you would like to see written about?

7. Do you want to be a guest blogger? 

8. I am an ACON...YES OR NO

9. I am a fat person....YES or NO

10. I have Lipedema like Peep YES or No 

11. I am an Aspie...YES OR NO

12. What other blogs do you like to read?

13. What other websites are your favorites?

14.Any other feedback you want to share.

CityScape Pictures

The Last True Hermit

The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit

Yesterday I read "The Stranger in the Woods" it was about this guy who at the age of 20 disappeared into the woods to live alone, for almost 30 years. Sadly even as a hermit, one needs to eat, and he went about it in the wrong way. He was arrested in 2013 for breaking into cabins, and trailers, where he got all his food and supplies. Psychologists later after he was arrested wondered if he had Aspergers but many of them thought schizoid personality disorder fit better. Aspies desire companions but are just bad going about getting them, this guy was happier being left alone.

 He just didn't want to deal with people. The book was interesting because it went into the history of hermits, and how many became hermits for religious reasons but there were others that protested society and went adrift. In the 18th century a fad started where, wealthy people hired resident hermits, on their estates and clothed and fed them. So in history there are people who have become hermits.

I don't know how someone could survive for almost 30 years saying HI to one guy as reported in this book, when he ran into some hikers. He did seem to live the way he wanted, if only he had not victimized some people who were on edge from the thefts, and enjoyed nature and being alone. Some people do dream about taking off for the woods, but survival is pretty rough, and this guy admitted he almost died in a few winters. His talk about the lady of the woods which is what he calls death does seem to bring up some depression issues. They put him on probation and a special court program for the thefts, at the end of the book he was living with family members who surprisingly were willing to help him after he disappeared for 30 years.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Propaganda Article Against the Disabled


Generations Disabled

Let me do a list on this one.

1. Unruly kids kill or seriously maim a puppy right in front of the reporter. Dogs which cost money to take care of run all over the house.

2. Four generations of the same family are on disability.

3. There's implied eugenics, as the reporter expresses outrage over  a woman with Mosaic Down's Syndrome having multiple children out of wedlock.

4. The house is "messy", full of unhealthy food and of course they spend 300 a month on cell phones to get the heritage foundation sorts up in arms.

5. They live in a trailer.

6. The reporter stresses them having the attitude of "trying to scam" the system when it comes to the disabled kids. I don't know if the kids are really disabled or not but it helps the propaganda, of the teeming hordes supposedly teaching their kids to grow-up and draw a check. It's the single welfare mother propaganda of the 1980s.

7. They are deemed irresponsible and lazy.  

8. The matriarch is on her fourth divorce.

9. How many Honey Boo-Boo stereotypes can you count?

There's a reason this family was chosen to be written about as a picture of disability in America. Supposedly to Republicans all disabled people are bums and ready to rip off the system. They are supposedly all uneducated, "breeding" too much, and all mooches to the system. This is the kind of article that is written, to get people up in arms.

It is hard to get disability but the population doesn't know it, they think you can show up at the doctor's office,and say "I have a bad back, get me disability doctor", and boom, you get a check every month. Most people are getting turned down, even people in really bad shape. Today it is near impossible to get disability. Two years to get through the system is not an unknown.

This article was posted on Yahoo too, just read the comments, people are ready to string up the disabled and the cries for sterilization run rampant and screams of "get a job" ring from the rafters. I can't find the comments now, maybe they took them down.

One thing about political agendas, they know how to manipulate the masses. The masses are being manipulated to hate the disabled and to all for them to be cut off so Republican billionaires can have more money.  Life for the disabled is getting scary. We are being deemed "non-people". One thing you will note about the Republican party is inclusion for the disabled who can still work has dropped so they are a bunch of damn hypocrites.

There is so much stigma for disability,I keep my mouth shut about being disabled. I've had people right in front of me insult people on welfare and disability checks.

 All I got to do is look at my husband, his last good job threw him out the week I went on the supplemental insurance.We know his moderate health problems closed him out of the work world for good necessitating his freelance work. These hypocrites will scream about the bums of disability, but for people in good enough shape to actually work, do you see any of them getting a job? Do you see any job placement programs anymore? I sure don't.

What could this woman or her developmentally disabled daughter do for work? Age discrimination would be in full froth for her and the daughter, may get 2 bucks an hour or a little more down at the Goodwill. In the land of no options, people grab at whatever straws they can grab at. The jobs system has FAILED.

One guy who was a disabled professor raged at this article. He's fed up too like I am with the propaganda and put downs. He talked about how he paid into the system and was hardworking so why is he being shamed through an article like this one? Isn't it bad enough they are denying our costs of living for our barebones living? We have to get smacked around as the scapegoats now for all that is wrong with America?

One guy on Reddit, posted this:

 "Those kids are so doomed. This is the cycle of poverty people talk about, it just has a white, rural face to it.

Per the title, it definitely will continue. Sure, some of them are "lazy" people who won't get a job. But the economy of rural America continues to hollow out, and it appears many are turning to disability. Either the jobs aren't there, or the jobs are so bad (in terms of the actual work and the pay received) it's preferable to find a way to get onto disability. And then it's no surprise they're mentally dysfunctional when they have to live that way -- few people like to live off the government like that, with no purpose or direction in life. So then they swallow tons of pills to cope with whatever mental illness arises.

I only see the problem getting worse. Jobs continue to migrate to urban areas, and despite Trump winning the hearts of rural voters, it appears his policies (or the Republicans' policies) will do little to reverse or stem the further hollowing out of rural America.

I can't even begin to imagine how much self-driving cars will devastate rural America in the next decade or two. So many areas are reliant on passing truckers. When it's automated trucks flying on through, there'll be no one to buy lunch at the diner or to buy items at the gas station, not even considering how many rural people are truckers themselves who will be out of a job."

I don't agree with this guy that the cities are any better but the rest of his post makes sense. The job system is failing, people are grasping at straws in some cases. However along with those people are those who are really disabled.  I have seen many people become disabled from the stresses of low paid manual labor jobs, that offer low pay, little medical insurance and that are unstable. Poverty ITSELF makes people disabled. Think about my life, if I had not been abused or medically neglected and had earlier diagnosis or treatment, the trajectory of my life could have gone completely different. I worked hard even going to school for a second degree but I never found that economic stability one needs to have good health.

 Unless you are a slim technocrat, or a member of the monied classes, poverty awaits in America. This is a huge percentage of the population. One thing I am noticing with the Republican party is no one is addressing reality or the lack of jobs. No one is speaking of job placement programs for disabled people who CAN work. Instead the answer remains, "just go die in the gutter."

No one is asking "Why are so many people getting sick?" Maybe because we live in a sick society? That's the giant elephant in the room.

Friday, June 9, 2017

My Posts to Ollie Matthews Regarding His Support of Trump

It's no surprise he's losing subscribers.  People are having some cognitive dissonance, me included over his avid support of narcissist Trump.

I have many friends who don't like Trump and some are independents like me. I ask myself "How could someone not see through Trump?" It does bother me. I think Ollie is sincere, but I used to make my own internet visits in the alt-right world until I figured out most of Zero Hedge seemed to have every conversation steered by a bunch of astro-turfers. They shut up anyone who talked about how hard it was to make a living today or questioned the prison industrial system.

On boards like those, I noticed there was real denial about the economic life I lived in and a total hatred for any disabled people, we were all called mooches who should just go die. My being disabled set me apart from this world in an instant.

The alt-right world would make some true charges about Hillary Clinton and the mind prison of political correctness but their racism which grew by the years, was nauseating from the start.

Remember I wrote that article questioning why the left pushes the idea of white supremacy and believe it causes more racism, but that doesn't excuse the blatant racism on the right, so many of those websites seemed to love Charles Murray theories about other races and poor whites, that they all  supposedly have "lower IQs" [google "The Bell Curve" and "Coming Apart: The State of White America"] and that is why they have failed to "win" in the cut-throat capitalist world. There is manipulation and EVIL on both sides and it is spiritual. 

Unfriending someone over differences in politics isn't good, since I hate both parties this would mean a lot more social problems but Ollie's support of Trump is odd to me. Trump is so obviously narcissistic in what he says, his facial expressions and more, how can someone not see it? This is not a man who worked his way up from the trenches but was born with a silver spoon in his mouth from his father who was a real estate mogul.

Could our experiences as ACONs influence our politics as adults? I wondered aloud if Ollie, faced some die-hard narc Democrats growing up? I dealt with the hard core Tea Party set who called me a loser and hated the disabled,  but then I also had some Democrat narc relatives angry about me being a Christian and questioning political correctness.  Politics has grown more confusing by the minute too, with them steering every demographic into their "place",  will I have to do "hold my nose" votes for a party I can't stand, just due to sheer survival? The Republican party is clear about their beliefs, that my life as a disabled person is wortheless to them.

Ollie is not religious from what I can tell, so why does he support the politician that is in with the Dominionists and religious right. With my time in independent fundamentalist baptist churches, this is a world I know well.  Trump is in with all sorts of hardcore religious right groups, ones I never could stand because of their support for the police state and rejection of civil liberties.

I know trying to change someone's political mind often can be a waste of time, but I left a few comments on Ollie's videos. One thing with his coming out so stridently for Trump, some other ACONs have questioned this too, why can't you see that this man is a narcissist?

Sometimes political fleas can crop up. Do some fall into the "might makes right" philosophies due to narcissistic abuse? Do some want to honor the "strong man" who teaches less empathy where "winning is everything? All good questions. Being disabled in this economic and political climate is very frightening from my end of things. [Sorry for misspellings in posts below, I had posted them quickly]

Here's an article for you Ollie,please read it. This guy is like me and knows the left scammed us too:

"You're spot on with narcissism Ollie, so I won't stop watching due to disagreements politically, but please research Trump more. Alex Jones is a shill, and the alt-right just another scam to get the working class and others in America to bow before the bankers and billionaires who own both sides, Koch equals Soros, etc.The Republican party is in with the crazies including the Dominionists and it's growing worse. Yeah the Democrat party sucks too and Hillary is a crook, but so are the rest of them on the other side. It sucks to realize the whole system is a put on and I know it's easier to "choose a side" but they are ALL betraying us. 

Trump didn't do anyway with NAFTA, he appointed 5 Goldman Sachs people same as Hillary would and Obama did, both parties support the Plan For a New American Century wars---next up Iran, and any country without a centralized bank tied into the globalist system. 4.8 billion spent on Middle Eastern wars instead of USA infrastructure and Trump is doing nothing to stop that either. 

Donald Drumpf sold himself as a populist to the economically oppressed and people sick of the Democrat's focus on identity politics and ignoring of economic realities, the betrayal is already in. I didn't vote for him but how someone can't see the betrayal Trump is part of, is mind boggling to me. Hey I know it's easier to believe one side "is for us" but they BOTH SUCK."

I responded to another commenter here:

I hope Ollie is open to discussion, I have been a little worried over some of my comments, and I am no defender of Clinton and pals being ignored.:/ Sometimes it is disappointing to see so many people become excuse makers for the system. Maybe Ollie has extreme narc Democrats he dealt with, but I had extreme Narc Tea Partiers who told me everyone who didn't make money were "losers" and told me to go into the gutter because I was disabled.I have to admit I am very disappointed in Ollie's political views. I have studied politics as a hobby, and well, many do not see through the entire theatre show. Hasn't Ollie even seen a website online that has spoken of the "new world order" and no I don't mean owned and controlled conspiracy stuff [9-11 was an inside job], but knowing how the system really works.

There are surface differences but the flight path for more consolidation of wealth for the ultra elite, stronger police state, endless wars to centralize banks, and tyranny remain the same. There's a reason Clinton and Bush golfed together. Trump went to Clinton weddings. It's SHOWTIME to fool you and me. I sometimes wish Ollie, could go a bit deeper and understand how the system works.

The fix was put in for the chess-pieces to be reshuffled by the elite, this is why the timing for Brexit and Trump came together all at once. Just like Clinton had Podesta and her spirit cookers, Trumps put on the shows too.

I do wish that alt-right people figured out they are being scammed too, taught to blame other races, and the "disabled" who they call "parasites" in service to the elite, people voting for their own demise. There will be NOTHING replacing the social safety net the Republicans hope to remove and people will die. Republicans are as much hypocrites as Democrats, refusing to address problems with the job market, and how people are hired and fired and our dropping wages. 

There are people on both sides, who know we are being scammed. The Democratic party betrayed the working class. Trump is betraying the working class and poor. I'm not going to choose a side, they both suck. The elite use the Machivallian crap like with that frog getting people to blame other races instead of realizing who the real culprits to all the oppression are.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

The Mausoleum is Being Sold or Else Got Foreclosed On.

We used to call my mother's house the mausoleum, everything in life was about redecorating it, and spiffing it up and it's yard. "She's building a masoleum to herself", we said.  She would spend hours, shopping, collecting and redecorating, and this went beyond the cast of thousands snowman collection and included everything from buying an old 19th century wagon in the front yard with flowers planted around it, to purchasing those scrying globes and globes with marbles and a collection of birdhouses and placing them in the yard. She has a second home in Florida but this was her main home. Watching all this as we financially struggled was not easy. Even if we got a little help back then mostly car related, the whole family's values was based on STUFF.

It seemed like she thought she was going to get to live there forever.  It always seemed odd to me, that she never paid attention to aging or reality, but unlike other elderly people I know who worried about the future and care issues, she never did. She kept shopping until she dropped to the very last day I saw her. Past behavior is a sign of future behavior.

This recent news surprised me because that house was EVERYTHING to her. It's strange, with narcissists, they really don't have attachment to ANYTHING not even places, and a home they poured every dime and life energy into.  It seems to me they don't even think of the word HOME. I always knew that house meant a whole hell of a lot more to her then I ever did. 

She's lived there since the year I graduated high school, which is almost exactly 30 years ago. So my time in that house, was the nightmare year home from college, and a few summers in between semesters. I don't have many positive memories there. It's a nice house, around 2500 square feet but it's in a town that is underwater and somewhat depressed. The housing market sucks. She lives in the richest neighborhood in town aside from the street immediately by the country club and lake.

When I rotted in the Chicago ghetto, going without food and groceries, she got insurance pay-outs from my father's death and went to town, adding on at least three rooms to the house and remodeling at least 50 percent of it. At that time I believed it had been paid off too. She replaced almost all the house's furniture. There would be some remodels over the years, that were added.

She sent a chirpy email to 67 people. I had to be accidentally left on the email list. I still have to figure out how to block yahoo emails.  She can make downsizing even sound like a "trendy" thing. She wrote, she was "so happy" about the condo people redoing her plants. I can see through that a mile away, she was not one to wax poetic about flowers though she'd plant some for appearances.

It's weird how she brags to 67 people about moving and in the email, tells there there is a ton of free stuff, she needs to get rid of. She always portrayed herself as the lady of the manor, dispersing things to the peasants, but the reality is, her solely upper middle class friends have all the money in the world to buy whatever they need.

  "We are now calling home ^^^^^^^^^^^ even though we still own ***********.  We have a ton of work ahead of us, having garage sales, and getting rid of so many things we do not have room for or no longer need in the Condo.  (If you need anything or would be willing to help, let us know).  A small garage full of outdoor furniture, tools, lawn ornaments, lawn equipment, birdhouses, ladders, automotive tools, woodworking tools, and the list goes on and on."

  I find the garage sales odd too. Isn't she kind of old to dig through boxes and do a garage sale sell-off?   Hasn't she ever heard of a living estate sale? It seems ironic how someone so invested in stuff where "things" were everything is now handing it all out. Now all the stuff she spent so much money on, will end up in the scrapheap or some stranger's yard. Is that what it all has come to? All that effort she put into getting it, and now it ends up like this.

I confronted her at least a few times about her materialism and in on letter years ago when she told me I had nothing to show for my life, I told her in a letter, "It's not who dies with the most stuff wins!"

I have a weird attitude about "stuff".  I am not attached to things in a normal way.  I've been without many things before even a bed. It changes a person.  I do need some things to survive like my medical equipment and would cry if the art or stamp collection was lost,  but this idea of going through life, where belongings are where most of your meaning in life is focused on, is messed up.

Money is good to have, I can't deny that, for me having money would mean being able to help and see more people, security and the ability to procure more experiences but the idea of "stuff" is an interesting one to me. Too many things can be a burden. Materialism is a dead end. You can lose everything in this world even if you had it like that one neighbor of mine who got evicted. When you die all your stuff gets disbursed to the world or maybe a few heirs. One thing about materialists, the way they focus on all the stuff, they all act like they will live forever. When you get put in the nursing home almost all your things are taken away from you.

 What is the meaning of living for stuff and shopping? Where does it lead?  The suburban normative upper middle class life, always looked exhausting to me. Keeping track of all your junk and taking care of it takes a lot of time and energy. It's running on a hamster wheel to nowhere, even the narcissists hit a dead end sooner or later once their resources run out or they get too old.

Matthew 6:19-21

19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

David Sedaris' Recent Admission about Tiffany

"On his sister Tiffany, who took her own life in 2013

My sister Tiffany was child number five. So she was the youngest girl and the second to the youngest child; there were six kids in the family.

It's interesting. Looking back over her life, my mom never really liked Tiffany very much. Tiffany was too much like my mother, and I remember that as a child almost ... I just thought, Ugh, wouldn't want to be Tiffany. ...

The rest of us should've said, "Mom, you need to do something about this, because that's not OK for you to treat somebody that way." But we never said that. We never called our mother on her behavior towards Tiffany. You think, You're 7, what are you going to do? But I wasn't always 7. I was 20 and I was 30. ... Tiffany had a lot of anger at us and a lot of it was really well-founded. We were adults, we could've said to our mother, "This isn't OK." ...

[Per Tiffany's wishes] nobody [from the family] went to the memorial service. Her ashes went to somebody that she had worked with once, and my sister Lisa called this woman and said, "Could we have just a thimble full to scatter in the ocean behind the beach house?" And the woman said, "No." I understand that. Tiffany didn't want us to have them. The woman was just honoring Tiffany's wishes."

David Sedaris On The Life-Altering And Mundane Pages Of His Old Diaries

I always wondered if he saw some of the Internet controversy about Tiffany, and how she was viewed. I wrote about how I believed Tiffany was a scapegoat some time ago.

In Defense of Tiffany Sedaris

Oddly the story of Tiffany resonates not only with myself removing the problems with drug addiction and time in an abusive boarding school but with that cousin I recently wrote about. Her life reminds me of what Tiffany went through too and she suffered the challenges of drug addiction.

Maybe some of the writings and videos on line got David Sedaris to think about a few things, I hope so.  I am glad he admitted her anger was well-founded, this validation well it's kind of late, but he at least admits that they betrayed her standing by as adults remaining silent as the abuse continued. 

Why do people stay so silent and why is the good will of narcissists always more important? These are questions that are hard to answer. I do hope he has found more understanding in what happened to his sister. I am no contact with my entire family now, and with a few, I heard the words of "regret" and admissions that my mother and others were abusive but no one ever spoke out for me. As their loyalties lied with the narcissists, many of us have no choice but to part ways from our entire family systems.

One cousin even wrote, "She still abuses you" which probably tells me that some mighty smear campaigns have been in the mix, but no one ever has spoken out in my entire life. Most scapegoats go through this, and adults who should know better, stay silent in the face of abuse.

Tiffany had some friends speak out for her after her death and the person they described was so different from how her family viewed her. This definitely would apply to most scapegoats from narcissistic families. Those who love us actually "see" us while the families only see what the narcissists want them to see. Hopefully David Sedaris is getting more insight into his upbringing and it's affects on the siblings including Tiffany.

Someone Who Agrees About Tiffany Sedaris

Happiness Kit by John Holcroft

Happiness Kit: 22 Satirical Illustrations by John Holcroft

The commentary about this society in these illustrations is powerful. This one is one of the best showing the pursuit of material goods and having the "good life"American style.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Rock and Gem Show

The rock and gem show from the other week was fun, I got a piece of jasper I plan to make a necklace with and a few other rocks to add to my small rock collection. The first photograph is of a thunder-egg from Oregon.

I did not cause the national debt

My Husband's Cousin

Sometimes it seems some people die and just disappear. My husband's cousin died. I trust the person who told me she had recently died, and I had heard she was in and out of the hospital. Later I did see a death notice, but no one wrote an obituary anywhere.

My husband's family was estranged from hers even though they lived in the same town, the cousin's mother [my husband's aunt]did not get along with his father. Everyone had emigrated from Germany to the same small town back in the 1950s and 60s before the economic miracle in Germany took hold.

I once said to my husband, "You probably would have ended up better off growing up in Germany then the USA",but he said "Things were still pretty wretched then." His father almost went to Australia, so it is weird how people meet based on certain circumstances lining up. He was born here and has full USA citizenship, otherwise we might have already fled the country. His parents never became citizens but stayed here until they both died around 14 years ago. I can't speak any German anyhow and culturally some aspects of Germany would not be for me. He was only allowed to claim German citizenship up to age 23 and of course was perfectly happy growing up American.

Anyhow he had this cousin,she was around my age. She had a very tragic life. I didn't know her very well. She was a drug addict, and sometimes we would run into her at the beach,and at the gas station. I tried to invite her over a couple times when we first lived here, but she would turn me down. Once we made plans for Thanksgiving and she was a no show. So I knew she probably was too severely addicted to maintain normal social interactions,and well I only knew her very little. People in full blown addiction kind of scare me, but with her, I thought we could at least have some contact.

I suspect highly that she was an ACON scapegoat from the little I do know. I know families will have hard times with drug addicts and drug addicts will burn a lot of bridges but from what she told me, about her life, I got the feeling she felt unloved and abused growing up. I talked to her enough to share some of my experiences though I didn't lay it on too thick because she had enough problems of her own. I remember trying to give her some encouragement to tell her bad childhoods can be overcome,but then who knows if I am the posterchild for that hunched over my walker and with my own angst.

One time we ran into her, and I have some face blindness Aspies get and it's weird how people can look so different to me when they are not all there.  I barely recognized her but my husband said hello, and I was able to hide the fact I had failed to recognize her. Well I had only met her 4 or 5 times around town over 10 years. One time we gave her a ride, seeing her walking down this busy road,and another time talked to her while we were sitting on the beach.

I met my husband's aunt once who was her adoptive mother. In this case, the cousin knew she was adopted. The aunt was in her early 80s. This was around 4-5 years ago. I had not gone no contact yet but was reading a lot about narcissistic personality disorder and family dynamics but was considering all these things. I sought out my husband's aunt. We had lived here 5 years, he had little contact with her, and I said, "Since we live here now, shouldn't we meet?" So we did ONCE.

She walked into the restaurant we were meeting at and had a face of disgust for me. I am not sure if it was for my weight or what. I do remember being severely disappointed. She made me feel scared and on edge. She didn't smile very much.

The first question she walked in the room and asked me was, "Are you Lutheran?" I was honest and told her, "No, but I am a Christian, I have gone to baptist churches in the past." The question flustered me. Telling her I was a Christian did not appease her. She didn't seem too happy with this and like she was really angry. My husband had grown up in a German Lutheran family.  This town is predominantly Lutheran. We went on to converse. One thing I noticed around her, is I felt like she was very cold. She reminded me of my mother, upper middle class, and smug, so I was not upset with no more visits with her after that. Obviously she did not like me much, and didn't care about continued contact with her nephew [my husband]  she never contacted us again.

I know the other son, is a well-off doctor, he seems nice enough. I met him once in passing when he saw my husband at an art fair when he came back "home" from out of state where he lives.  He seems like a nice fellow and spoke of having loving visits with his mother.  I wondered how life really was for his adopted sister?

I know the adoptive sister was disinherited upon the aunt's death. The Aunt died a few years after I met her. I did not go to the funeral, we had no contact at that point.

It's sad to me, when someone gets such a hard life. I do believe many drug addicts and alcoholics come out of abusive families. Not every ACON struggles with substance abuse problems but some do. It really bothered me, that we found out this cousin died three months after the fact.  Her family obviously did not care. Some would judge and say, her drug addiction cost her the family, but I would say in this case I wondered if the family in the first place was part of the underlying trauma that led her to become addicted to drugs.

I think of how that "aunt" treated me, and how she wanted nothing to do with me, for not having the "right status" or "look" and I think about what happened to her. It really hurt at the time. It's like the Tiffany Sedaris story, and Aunt Scapegoat. People do become "throw-aways" in families, it is sad to see. 

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Wounded Oppressors?

Touching the Oppressor's Wound

I have to admit it bothers me a bit when people write on the wound of oppressor's. I think the Well Run Dry blogger means well and she admits that oppressors are evil and their acts, but I and another commenter challenged her over some ideas in her article. Oppressors do not care. She wrote of prison guards who die young and suicides among those who do oppressing. I wrote her as you will see below, these are the ones who had some conscience left, they could not handle what they have become.

 Churches sometimes will mislead people teaching way too often that the wicked are merely just misunderstood souls who have their pain. Let's not forget that when it comes to evil, most human beings have a choice, to do evil or to do good. Will you sell out to evil? Most human beings have those cross-road times in their life. Many choose to do good,but many do not. Some take the price of poverty in this world to not sell out. Christian martrys died instead of forsaking God. The excuse, "I was just following orders", is not going to cut it in God's eyes.

Here is the comment I left on this article:

"I agree the oppressors in many cases do not care.The suicidal ones are ones who still have some conscience left, the rest are like "machines" and "terminators" [see Ollie Matthews videos on malignant narcississm "The Narcissistic Resistance on Youtube] Ho ho is right you cannot educate or shame super-narcissists, they have no shame. Most of our global elite are sociopaths, sociopaths and aka malignant narcs do not have consciences, or souls any longer, they are the biblically seared. They do not CARE. The suicide cases are the ones who had some consciences left who could not bear what they became.

 I won't cry tears for our oppressors, remember even Nazis left the death camps and played with their dogs and kids at home and held parties for their friends. Sociopaths will bestows favors and smiles on some while seeking to destroy others, and "it's just business". Don't waste your tears and pity on oppressors, usually that is a way to get more abused. The churches are utterly failing in this realm seeking excuse making for oppressors and the most seared wicked. Non-violent resistance, is done to avoid turning into them."

Yes oppressors are dehumanized but they choose that dehumanization, they kill the soul within to harm other human beings. They shut off the spirit of life for the spirit of death within themselves. With many oppressors, no warning in the world will change things. How many malignant narcissists were told they were evil by their victims or challenged by a few brave souls? You think Trump doesn't know the level of disgust among half the country or that Paul Ryan is viewed as the man that wants the disabled to die? They KNOW IT, and they DO NOT CARE.

I do not think oppressors will even care that they are causing their own deaths.I believe the suicidal ones, are the ones who had some vestiges of conscience left, not that suicide is a good act either, but then if you think about it those people have turned so much to the dark side, in the case of an oppressor they choose death instead of repentance. Remember the lack of empathy that oppressors have for the human beings they destroy for profit or power or prestige, extends to themselves as well. If an oppressor cares nothing about their eternal destiny, or about life, or about other human beings when push comes to shove, they won't really care about themselves either. They've destroyed their own souls in their choosing of evil.

Proverbs 5:22 His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Boogie Wants Weight Loss Surgery

He says he is an eating addict,is he doing stuff like eating whole pizzas or bags of Cheetos? I hope he has watched My 600lb life to see the ins and outs. It is no walk in the park. Even Dr. Now requires successful dieting to even get the surgery which brings up my question, "if you can successfully diet why even get the surgery in the first place?" He could just have a regain. I am not a candidate for weight loss surgery as I have written many times. My body is breaking down under weight and I have my regrets but I never saw weight loss surgery as a way out. Things of course are more complicated for me.

They should offer the severely obese something better then the stomach butchery. I did become "more active" taking the bus and walking and stuff, but my body is being mean to me. It doesn't want to be active and punishes me for it hard. There is no growth exercise wise, at most I buy a little stamina but I get a lot of pain.  Today is a bed day though I got up to help husband put pictures back on the walls. I talked to my doctor about this, he said stay as active as you can but make sure you rest when the pain comes.

Yesterday I walked a block, this is a very long walk for me but I have done it before, maybe about 1/6th of a mile? It was akin to the distance of walking across two Walmarts. This means I can now take the bus to the library and get to other parts of downtown now which doesn't sound like much but is a big deal for me in terms of being able to do stuff.  I sit on the walker some to 'rest' but it made my range far further.

However because of other activities that week, and moving around to clean for the painters, I got some pain for my price of moving around so much. I have to rest today to get fluids off. Being fat is HARD. Thin people don't know how good they got it.

I can't blame Boogie for wanting weight loss surgery. Maybe he will be one the spin of the roulette wheel will work for. If he does really have an eating disorder, maybe he will be more normal "eating normal" in his case. Part of me wonders why did he lose only 60lbs on all those diets? He says he stopped gaining weight, well that is important to do. He could be facing metabolic issues too.  He says later in the video for him it was not hormonal problems or his legs {nod to Lipedema?} but what was in his head and says he really is an eating addict in his case.

My worry is that he sounds like he went doctor shopping to get the weight loss surgeon. He probably got turned down by most, because at 500lbs, eating disorder or medically caused case, your chances of death are pretty high for any surgery. Having surgery with uncontrolled blood sugars is a very bad idea. This makes me scared for him. He's got to get his blood sugar balanced.  He seems so desperate for answers he is not facing the things that may come with weight loss surgery. All fat people hold out for so much hope. Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones, I hope so. He has youth and financial security going for him.

Sometimes I fear he expects a miracle. Many supersized people fall into this trap.

 I don't believe in a miracle rescuing me from the obese life anymore. I don't believe in the weight loss miracles or diets anymore. I think I got to a place where I decided "eat the most healthy you can afford" and according to blood sugars and hunger pains, I adjust the food according to blood sugars constantly and let the chips fall where they may otherwise.

 You get tired of the false promises, and the rest. I remember myself the surge of excitement for every diet and program---The Adkins diet will save me! No the gluten free one will--I do have sensitivities to grains that I must still avoid.  The Keto diet will save me--they got the Lipedemic world now jumping on that bus. And then with some it's the weight loss surgery. Regains are common. If you are in the size acceptance world, you know this as fact. Many people in that world, already got weight loss surgery. Some save themselves from a 600lb life losing and then rebounding to a more functional 400lbs but there are those who regain all the weight. We see the people on My 600lb life in the very early years when the weight comes off initially, they are on that high.

Every fat person dreams of being thin. I don't blame Boogie for it, as I sat downtown yesterday, I wistfully looked at the thin people walking by me, wishing in my mind I had been born as one of them. It's the inner trial of the supersized fat person.  Maybe he will find his way out but very few do. I worry he is letting "the dream" blind him to the health risks.

When the Scapegoat Walks Away

This video is very interesting because she talks about what happens in the narcissistic family systems when the scapegoat walks away. Her lines about "silence" speaking for us, are very good, and encouraging. She says many families choose a new scapegoat and things break down between them because they no longer have the scapegoats to throw trash on. Dynamics in mine definitely will change,I am guessing because of distant lived between all parties, they will just have less to do with each other but there was the removal of two scapegoats with the death of my Aunt Scapegoat and my walking away. Anyhow this video is very encouraging to ACONs.

Road Closed Painting

This is my most recent painting.  I did it from a picture by a friend of mine who is a talented photographer, so the scene in the painting really exists! 

So What Did We Get for Our Almost 5 Trillion Dollars

"The United States federal government has spent or obligated 4.8 trillion dollars on the wars in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq. This figure includes: direct Congressional war appropriations; war-related increases to the Pentagon base budget; veterans care and disability; increases in the homeland security budget; interest payments on direct war borrowing; foreign assistance spending; and estimated future obligations for veterans’ care.

This total omits many other expenses, such as the macroeconomic costs to the US economy; the opportunity costs of not investing war dollars in alternative sectors; future interest on war borrowing; and local government and private war costs.

The current wars have been paid for almost entirely by borrowing. This borrowing has raised the US budget deficit, increased the national debt, and had other macroeconomic effects, such as raising consumer interest rates. Unless the US immediately repays the money borrowed for war, there will also be future interest payments. We estimate that interest payments could total over $7.9 trillion by 2053."

Remember BOTH parties continued with these wars and Trump has no intention of stopping, so why the leaders of this country are busy scapegoating the disabled, poor and elderly as "costing all the money" as Republicans especially cry crocodile tears about the national debt, don't forget this statistic, 5 trillion dollars, and how much more will be spent?

Monday, May 22, 2017

The Price of an Evangelical Christian Soul

The Price of the Evangelical Soul


 invited Jesus into their hearts, but when the rubber met the narrow road they evicted him and took the cash. 

you cannot serve both God and money—he just probably thought he’d do better in the Bible Belt this year.

cost, is that the Church itself, though winning this political battle has lost the greater war for its humanity and its dignity.

America Needs a New Labor Movement

Why Worker's Won't Unite

"So far, though, the fraught future of labor in the U.S. has notably failed to generate public protest on a significant scale. Nothing in American politics compares with the civil-rights crusade, the movement against the Vietnam War, or the labor wars of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Could that change? Might the future possibly hold a resurgence of the indignation about class disparities—and about the labor and economic circumstances they reflect—that was once focused on the workplace?

Today, the labor movement’s decline is widely considered an irreversible reality—the inevitable outcome of globalization and automation, and the norm for a postindustrial economy, hardly worthy of comment. When discussions turn to the glaring and still growing imbalance of power between working-class and elite interests in our political system, Republicans celebrate the free market and certainly don’t invoke a return of unions. But neither do most Democrats. Why this is so, why it’s a problem, and what if anything might be done to revive the politics of work—these issues are the subject of two very different books: the historian Steve Fraser’s The Age of Acquiescence and Only One Thing Can Save Us, by Thomas Geoghegan, a longtime labor attorney."

This is because both parties, are for the wealthy and sold off to the mega-corporations. The Democrat party has already forsaken the working class and below and even with Hillary's loss, I do not see any changes. I have seen a few bloggers and others speak of a "new progressive" movement or the "alt-left" but they seem to be just on the fringes. The wealthy are running both, and they don't want the workers to unite. It seems to me people who are poor or working class in America, are so divided via race and other divisions, and so beaten down, and fearful of their survival, that worker's rights are being basically stripped away. The "free market" is a joke. There's no such thing as that unicorn in this world, freedom for the most rich who can buy their way out of rules and regulations. One thing I worry about is that expectations have sunk so low, that most have subscribed to the "dog eat dog" ethos, I see this all the time on Facebook where the hatred for the poor has grown. They got working class people more busy beating up on the "deadbeats" on welfare and disability--notice how Trump has focused on the most vulnerable in society rather then wondering why their wages haven't gone up in 20 years.

One can see the REGRESSION when it comes to the work world. There's no bright future. They cling to the ideals of the 19th century and wish to strip away the hard won rights of the 20th. I hope young people especially millennials wake up before it is too late. Sadly too many subscribe to Social Darwinism for the new American Hunger Games.

In Defense of Needy People

This video is great in that it sees the problem not with the "needy" person but those around them who are angered by emotions and need for attachment. Many ACONs can struggle with being needy. It was a bigger problem for me in my 20s,secure love and marriage helped to curtail the needs of loneliness and my desire to seek connection. I can still struggle now wishing that socially I had been more successful, but when people lack love in their background, neediness can arise. Human beings have social needs that must be met.We are not islands. American culture is dysfunctional in that it expects people to operate solely alone.

Monday, May 15, 2017

The Surprisingly Mysterious Life of Famed Artist Bob Ross

Family Scapegoating Article

I found these articles interesting, it is from a Christian website against abuse:

Family Scapegoating Part 1

"The chances of a family scapegoat escaping are slim and usually do not occur until a person reaches their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. And, when a victim does, indeed, escape and boundaries go up, the family is viciously angry. The victim continues to be the scapegoat and the family further bonds with each other in their hatred for the victim. But, he or she is no longer available to accuse. Accusations are slung in other, less direct capacities (blog posts, letters to friends, letters to the workplace). However, after a while, as the victim is no longer bothered by this, they cease. More attacks may come up later but, all in all, with “no contact” from the victim, things get better. The family of origin, however, begins bickering, back-biting, gossiping and dramatizing within their own cesspool of hatred and they, eventually, find another scapegoat! And the cycle begins again.
So, what often happens is, a man or woman leaves an abusive marriage, pursues divorce (enormous amount of bravery required here) and the family of origin begins to (for lack of a better term) freak out. They are afraid that their secrets will be revealed as they watch the strength of their former victim blossoming. Their grip on the victim’s emotions becomes tighter than ever. The victim is laying on the floor, trying to rise and the dysfunctional family stands on his or her neck. They  make a healthy relationship impossible (unless the victim is willing to place his- or herself under their control) so the victim begins to set up healthy boundaries. The family of origin then claims “abandonment”. Mud-slinging begins. And the victim is left shattered in pieces . . . completely dazed and frantic as he or she tries to make sense of the world that has gone crazy in a few short weeks.
She was always the scapegoat; and she will continue to be. The only hope for her is to escape, go “no contact”, and learn how to become all that God intended her to be in Him. This is no easy feat and takes a lot of time"

Deathly Allergic to Seafood? Let's go to Red Lobster!

I had this adult memory return I haven't thought about in years. I forget why the family was eating out with my brother's ex wife and family but this was around 18 years ago when they were still married. I am deathly allergic to seafood. I have not eaten shrimp, or shellfish in 25 plus years. I could eat fish into the 1990s but that ended really quick. My mother wanted everyone to go to Red Lobster, I remember protesting, saying "I am allergic to seafood" but everyone ignored me. They always did what she told them. I was even scared of breathing in seafood fumes from the kitchen, with shrimp and lobster and getting an asthma attack. I loaded up with Benadryl to go. The person I am today, I now think, "What in the hell were you thinking?" I would not enter a Red Lobster today, I probably would die just smelling the shellfish in the air. My boundaries were so low. As time passed, and I got more ill, I had to draw boundaries to preserve my health, and life. Only a narcissist would get someone who is deathly allergic to seafood to go to Red Lobster where there was barely anything on the menu they could eat.

700 Calorie Carrot Cake?

Does Posting Calorie Counts Change Ordering Habits?

Most fat people have calories memorized, after years of dieting and weight gain paranoia. I swear I can guess every food on the dot. I even ordered one meal at a recent restaurant that had a calorie count on it, but it did not surprise or shock me and was around the amount I would have guessed. I do wonder if people will forgo donuts and lattes and more "external" foods. I always drink coffee with a little bit of creamer in it, and never one of those lattes knowing it can blast through 500 calories and a giant sugar-rush. Diabetes is a constant calorie and carb count a thon anyhow. If I eat 2 hours too late near 9 or 10 at night, it will mean 20 more points. Too many carbs like eating something like fried rice with vegetables and some meat is higher on the carbs. It's a constant science project. If I saw a 700 calorie carrot cake, I would not order it, thinking, "Oh yeah that's equal to one whole meal" or a third of calories for the day, or more. Forget that!" 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Take Care of Yourself Today

Treat yourself on this non-holiday day.  I may go down to a local beach today and enjoy some time outside.  I plan to finish a painting today and mail it off soon, and have a lot of others things to get done after I post here. I've been cooking a lot lately and made some vegetable curry and chicken yesterday. Take care of yourselves and remember the above. :)

Monday, May 8, 2017

Zine Fest!

                               Poster display at the zine fest
The other day, a friend drove us to a big city zine fest. It was a nice day trip. I am still recovering physically but it was worth it. I bought some zines, and there were hundreds of booths, I was like a kid in the candy store. My favorite zines are ones with comics and ones that write about personal lives.

We had a couple work shops and a zine reading room. We made buttons at one and another workshop showed printing techniques. It was fun to see the variety of zines, art work,comics and more. I got a cookbook zine,personal life zines, and ones with comics. I took my 140 page zine comic I finally had got shrunk down and photocopied and showed it to one cartoonist whose work I recognized, and he had good things to say about it. I have decided to "old school" this comic, the technicalities of computer art techniques are difficult for me, but since it is 140 pages long, I have to figure out how to divide in into volumes and plan to include some writing with the art. My husband took a few copies of a zine he has made that has some of my art work in it, and passed a few out.

 It was nice to see a variety of ages at the zine fest, and it was a crowd I felt comfortable and happy with. The freedom of zines and self publishing, and time away from screens is growing popular out there!

Here's a couple of zines I got....

Peep at a Political Meeting

Well they are still trying to push that horrible Trumpcare through. If my husband is up to it, I plan to go to our Tuesday protest. There are many independents against Trump, so don't make mistake thinking everyone has "joined the other side". I'll go to whatever "side" I think is "right"on individual issues. The Republican attack on health care personally frightens me. I need the level of medical care I get right now. Having it taken away would be a tragedy.  I have stayed "Stable"and that is a good thing. It is hard won, with a house call doctor, I now get on with quite well, and medications that yes are too expensive,but keep me alive and breathing.

 One lung medicine changed my life for better, no more severe bronchitis, I believe this drug even allowed my heart to grow stronger and less under strain too. Other people are scared and petrified. While ACA was NOT perfect, and I know it cost too much to working class and middle class people and had too many insurance middlemen, taking the rug from underneath people is evil. Of course single payer which would be the best bet, is cried against as "socialism". Fox news has sheep dipped many into worshipping Capitalism and thinking the "Christian" way is to go let people die who cannot afford healthcare. So I'll be protesting again and wearing a button I made that says "Healthcare is a right."

I went to a local political meeting that had some regional representatives, mostly state reps. It was a forum on aging and disability issues. I didn't vote for any there. They were all Republicans. One was from a small town south of us, and was more moderate and supported my ideas on health care, but one thing I noticed is how out of touch some of these Republicans were. They kept talking about all the unfilled jobs out there and this idea that poor people don't want to work. I thought "What jobs?" Later I and my husband talked about this and I said, "Even that has become a lie, they are posting jobs all over that are going unfilled. The idea that there are all these jobs out there is crazy when we know all these unemployed people." There is that Republican blind spot where they do not realize most on welfare are working.  Some higher social classes have no inkling how the majority live. This bothered me but I kept quiet, and kind of regret it but I was saving my fire for a more important question.

I said to them, "What is the state plan if Trumpcare is passed and seniors and disabled can no longer attain care?" I also then said, "Why does the Republican party seem to have it out for the disabled and elderly where we are the first on the chopping block,and there's always more money for war?" I got a few shocked faces, and the more moderate representative responded to me, telling me he believed health care was a right, so that eased the tensions.Later I did say "Disabled and seniors are frightened, and have every reason to be."

One lady brought up the fact that many people are afraid of sliding through the cracks, and fear losing health care. She also pointed out that home health care workers are severely underpaid and the politicians in the room did accept that fact. Most agreed that would turn into a serious problem.My state has a 7,000 long waiting list, for care programs that will keep people out of the nursing home. That seems counterproductive as having someone in nursing home care will cost a lot more then having them at home. I have signed all the petitions I can in defense of the disabled and against Trumpcare.

There was one guy there who represented the office of local federal politician who has been in support of Trumpcare recently. I noticed his reactions at my question and others when Trumpcare got brought up. He nervously laughed.That federal politician has ignored the calls for town meetings and more. We used to run into him in town, but I get the feeling with all the protests and more, he's probably hiding out. I read he didn't attend an annual parade he usually is at.  Probably to avoid all the booing.

This country is losing it's heart and the orange faced sociopath is leading the way. For some of us, this is our life.

The Republican Party Scares Me

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

A Young Woman Who Had Her Lipedema Caught Early

She's at stage 1. I am glad young people are finding out about this disorder at an early age before it disfigures them or takes them into the higher stages. Liposuction for Lipedema is considered new, from what I can tell it works better on lower stage patients. It is not a viable solution for me,though if I won the Lotto who knows, but my dangers of infection would be very high. I don't like them using the 11 percent number. Some women may have mild Lipedema in higher numbers but high stage people it is considered a "rare fat disorder".Hopefully now people will be diagnosed sooner and won't end up losing their mobility or at very high weights like me anymore.

May Art and Photo

Done with them ALL

I'm finally done with them ALL.  Don't make the mistake of trying to win a few family members to yourself or getting down in the pit of trying to win them over. 

I put the last on restricted status on Facebook. I spent too long trying to "win" a few stragglers to my side. It was a waste of time. Even ACON's who go no contact from abusers and are a few years in, can make that mistake of thinking, "Maybe I can get this nicer relative to see my side of things," So you try and are nice and think thoughts like, "Let's focus on positive things" but then you realize the betrayals are still there. The disrespect is still there. It's more subtle but it is there. 

I tried to hang around and "win" a few over away from the narcissists. I wanted to have a few family members left in the world.  It failed.They will always do what they are told by the narcissist even if they tell you to the contrary. They do not care. Even trying to hold on to relationships with the cousins, hurt me. They still were visiting my abusers. They all kissed the butt of my abusers and those people came FIRST.

This means from Queen Spider, I have no family left. NOONE. All nieces and nephews were turned against me. They all chose to believe her smear campaigns. I hate my "role" in the family and have rejected it and even the most extended relative never failed to remind me, so I am finished with the ENTIRE LOT.

I wasted the few years after the initial no contact trying to "win" a "few" people over after going NC with the majority. Scapegoats are never validated. They will not give a crap about your causes, art work,or who you are, they will only see you as the narcs do. Even with "nice" ones be careful, too many people are sheep and they love to bootlick narcs. My Uncle narc got really chummy with all the cousins. You may have hopes and dreams of recovered relationships or keeping that niece or cousin in your life, but in my case it ended up being a pile of dung. I just got hurt again.

Some of us will get to that place and inner strength of realizing all the "trying" is for naught. The whole family system is poison, we have to accept that this is a group of people we were not loved and cherished in and nothing we do or say is going to change that. This can go out to the extended relatives too.

Many ACONs face this, where they think they can "save" or "recover" a few relationships in the family. We are a few years into no contact and that is going well, but we have false thoughts, about recovering a few family members and think "Well maybe I won't have to cut everyone off, that's a bit harsh isn't it?" 

The narcissists move in, they don't leave one thread or person untouched. Even the most extended relatives will be used as report tellers, and grilled for information, they will keep secrets for the narcissists and always betray you. You may note too among the "nicer" extended people, there are things that bother you, how every time you tell them anything you are "wrong" or "too emotional" or how you feel on edge around them all. Validation is rare or you must always be on your "best behavior". Some families are so narcissist riddled, that if you expose one or two narcissists, there's another to pop up in place, and they will lie too. I faced facts that Aunt Denial was just as poisonous as my mother with her specialty of "concerned trolling" and crocodile tears to be far more advanced. I went no contact with her three and a half years ago along with my mother but my cousins were being very influenced by her and her husband, Uncle Narcissist. They visited each other several times a year.

We get dreams of potentially viable relationships. I had it with one niece who I was emailing for a while, and who refused to befriend me on Facebook and treated me as though I was poison. I tried so hard to reach out and loved and cared for her, so this one hurt me a lot. I realized however I was not going to win over the messages or control of her parents and walked away peacefully. I thought I could keep my cousins in my life on a very low contact basis and maybe later visit and reconnect but I noticed how often they were visiting Uncle Narcissist and even making sure I was not invited to family events my mother and sister were not at. They followed all the directions of the narcissists, and the flow of communication within the family remained narcissist driven. To be frank, if someone has any connection with a narcissist, you have gone no contact with, in most of the cases the relationship will not be to rescued. It didn't escape my notice how lovingly they spoke of my mother. One cousin would admit my mother was "toxic to you" but that's all I got, past that he saw her as a nice woman, and me as the "problem" and that "she was just the way she was".

Don't waste a few years spinning your wheels like me. Ditch all who have treated you with disrespect and who have chosen the narcissists over you.  They are betrayers already not to defend or stand up for you and the constant litany of trying to correct the endless narcissist's lies grows old. Younger members of the family may be less culpable, but they are in the fog and have been given a picture of you via the narcissists as well. Escape the trap of seeking love and validation.

 I know even three and half years in, I still struggle,like I am pulling myself out of a mudbog. I know I have walked away from so many people. I went no contact with my brother a year ago and still do not regret it.  I dealt with one of the most severe sociopaths out there, where every word was manipulation. Four decades of abuse is a lot to overcome. There is so much to fix.  With the ended friendships, having no family, it has been worth it, but there has been a lot of pain. Inside I ask myself continously "How did it go so bad?" I have been disappointed and betrayed so often. I can't do it anymore and I am not. 

Facing the fact of how I was seen and treated was very difficult. It bothers me that I had so many unhealthy relationships in my life where the main message was that I was "not good enough" and was surrounded by so many people who told me I must be fixed to be acceptable. I realize now the immensity of what I was denied. I believe if I had not entered into a loving marriage, where there was true acceptance and love, I would have been destroyed. What these people did to me is that bad.

To heal one must seek out people who do love you and accept you. I have a few. But I know at this time in life, I am no longer going to "TRY" to "WIN" anyone over. Once that begins, you have already LOST the relationship and there was never a real one to begin with.