Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Five Hundred Pound Peep Comic-Zine #1: A Peep Is Hatched!

Five Hundred Pound Peep Comic-Zine #1

A Peep is Hatched!

This is the first comic zine in a three-part series: based on the blog, Five Hundred Pound Peep: The Life & Times Of A 500-Pound Woman, on which she recounted the story of her life in comic form. Peep's comics serve as the snapshot of her life, times and struggles as a super-sized woman in America today.

Part One: A Peep Is Hatched, takes us through Peep's childhood, into middle school. You'll see her early struggles with a dysfunctional family, ballet class and Catholic school, and size discrimination. This issue is 29 pp., and comes to you on 8.5" x 11" Xeroxed paper, with a yellow color card stock cover, straight from the author's drawing table -- and into your hands! What more could you ask?

Look for the rest of the story in Part Two: A Peep Learns To Fly, which takes us from Peep's life (middle school to college, and becoming an art teacher: 43 pp.) and Part Three: Peep Escapes Various Cages (from early adulthood, to getting out of Chicago, and becoming disabled: 37 pp.). These are the second and third issues, and will go up for sale in the next few weeks. 

These hand-drawn, produced and Xeroxed comics are the results of Peep's 20-plus-year hobby of chronicling her life in comic form

Email me if you are interested just like the paintings and I will send you a link to the ebay where these are being sold. Here's a sneak preview of two and three:

POST NOTE: Please contact me at my email here, fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com if you want to trade a zine for a zine too. 

Friday, December 8, 2017

This wasn't originally an ACON blog

I've had several ACON allies leave the internet lately. It's kind of hard since this was an online community important to me. My Aspie self never gets used to these kind of changes. That's one aspect of my personality many don't understand. Change always seems to bring loss and never additions. I know normal people "move on" and who am I to judge? It feels lonely though.  My blog still survives, but I have nightmares that I will be the last one still blogging against narcisissm. Maybe the narcissists won and silenced everyone.

This isn't easy to do. Even when I was finishing the zines, some of it had to do with the family, and that was hard, because I was drawing things from a few years ago, I try not to think of the family everyday now. It's too painful. It didn't work out. There was no fixing any of it no matter what I did or didn't do.  When I went no contact, maybe I didn't expect changes of the main narcissists but I didn't realize the price would be the whole family. Some of ACON allies have healed and moved on, that makes sense, but I feel a loss in having several people I once corresponded with, having left these corners of the Internet.

One online blogger and ACON ally disappeared 10-12 months ago, she just vaporized and stopped blogging, I always wonder what happened to her? I even worried she may have died and we had no way to find out. For those of us who have the Internet as our main social life, outside of a marriage, there can be some drawbacks to this. We want in real life friends and people who care about us too in day to day lives. Internet interactions while there can be some deep sharing, and support, they can peter out. It's hard. How do you say you miss people you only talked to online? I have some close online friends where there is phone and other contact, but it's hard, there's always that far away feeling. I told someone regarding the lack of a day to day social life that I hate always being stuck in having to sell myself. I wish I could just be somewhere in life where people knew me, and I knew them and the selling stage was long over. Every time I finally get settled and I think that's only happened once in adult life in my old town, when it comes to any social life, everything is put into constantly put in upheaval. There is sadness to my personality based on far too many losses.

 Writing about narcissists has to get old after awhile. It can get depressing. The narcissists seem to hold the fort no matter what you do. They all "win" in this world.  Everyone chooses them, and no deity lifts a finger to change anything. It beats people down. Even for those of us who find recovery, there's no victory only retreat.

I can understand why some want to stop thinking about it. My own writing on them slowed, because I am not around them. There's no new tales of misery to tell. You don't want to think of the "strangers" long out of your life anymore. The no contact decision can feel like another defeat. You spare yourself pain, suffering and abuse but there's empty space and loneliness to contend with. The hope of a loving family, reconciliation, and even relationship with younger members is gone. Who wants to rip at the scab anymore? There's simply nothing more to be done. At least the early days of fear are over. You have hardened up. The narcissists can rail and even threaten or play nice, you just let the phone ring and ignore it. You're gone, they had their chances long ago.

Sadly the narcissists always seem to win. I am not sure how to break that formula. You imagine strength and empowerment in the early days of no contact, but you have to find your way and own life. I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life or whatever is left of it. I know I have to work on us finding a new direction, or finding some kind of social life. We have to think of our economic survival and what plans we can pull off for better senior years.  My husband and I have continued in our protest work. We attended a new small UU fellowship that was friendly. I felt a little bit of hope about the future for once. I am hoping the winter stays more mild. We need to make some bonds off-line too and I am trying to work on this the best way, we can.

Even my own writing on the narcissists petered off. I worked on the zines and they were a look in the past too, one theme in them is the weight gain and dealing with being overweight. I took so long at the zines, they are more a picture of a couple years ago, then now, but show some of the ACON history and me walking.

This blog, I started as a personal and a blog dealing with fat issues about being 500lbs and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and later the Lipedema diagnosis came. This blog did help achieve that for me. It became an ACON blog around 2013.  I plan to keep this blog going and just write about politics, life, art and other things that occur to me and do things on a more relaxed basis. There may be still be an ACON article on occasion but it wasn't originally an ACON blog. I do miss my old ACON allies, and am thankful to them for everything they did for me, and hope they have gone on to find happier lives.

I Thought I was Lazy: The Invisible Day to Day Struggle of Autistic Women

I thought I was Lazy: The Invisible Day to Day Struggle of Autistic Women

"My inability to properly plan ahead and complete daily tasks has dwarfed my personal growth and well-being since I moved away from home seven years ago. I live in a constant state of disorder, expressed through missed appointments, forgotten text messages, and errands and assignments that take twice as long than my peers to complete. Even tidying the garbage littered across my apartment feels too overwhelming. My poor organizational and cleaning skills have fractured my relationships, prevented me from thriving in jobs, and in the process, destroyed my self-worth."

"But every time I look at my messy room, I am reminded of this disheartening fact: So long as my friends, family, and therapists recognize me as allistic, my executive differences will always be interpreted as a personal failure."

This one is the story of my life. I am always behind on everything. I don't have a job or kids to take care of either. My medical tasks fill up a lot of the day, even now I am thinking about meds I got to take and getting the energy to wrap my legs. Things really are more complicated for Aspies in this way. I'm never going to be a great cleaner, there's no way.

A Painting Style I Plan to Pursue

I did this painting of a portrait of someone I know. It looks a lot like them, so I crossed out the eyes. LOL I don't want people approaching them and saying, "Hey do you know Fivehundredpoundpeep?" My art teachers told me, they thought the style was successful. I had at least two people say "I paint like Alice Neel" for me that was a major compliment. One teacher, took me aside and told me when I am loosened up, that is when she sees the best work coming out of me, I found that interesting. That is the kind of painting when I have the most fun.

I got the zines done

I need to ask husband to photograph them later to put them up on ebay. My camera was acting up. You all will get to see this blog in cartoon form. LOL I am going to start with #1 and then add #2 and #3 in proceeding weeks. I did over 100 panels of comics based on my life. It took a very long time. I wonder if it is Aspie to do a general autobiography of your life in comic form? I'll put up #1 very soon. Anyhow here is a small snippet of what is to come.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Long Overdue for the 25th Amendment

I have the theory that there is a remote possibility that Trump is being a "reality actor" for some sort of agenda, I can't figure out. He is acting insane and senile for some reason. But if this is not true, we are far over due for the 25th amendment to be applied. Greedy snake in the grass Republicans are too busy buying off their wealthy donors with their latest tax scam.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Thirty Year Old Art Work

I had a closet leak, and some of this art I had to photograph before losing it due to mold. I was fortunate to not have the entire apartment flood like one new acquaintance down the street from all the rain we had. It was interesting to look at this thirty year old artwork. These projects are from high school and early college in the 1980s. Yes I am that old.

In college, I had life drawing as a freshman. I started college when I was only 17, so often was the youngest in the class. It could be intimidating to draw all the naked people. We drew both men and women too. One lady was more modest and wore a bathing suit. Some of the drawings were timed like the life-drawing water-color below. We got 15 or 20 minutes for that one.

This is an etching I did, in early college too. We had to etch these drawings into zinc plates and then use acid to make the grooves before printing them with a roller printing press. I think my Aspie brain had a little bit of difficulty with reversing things properly. That was a challenge for me in printing.  I had a fascination with Victorian times and houses even then. There are several prints in different colors of this house.

This was an ink drawing in high school. I had a model for the drawing. It probably was from inside my parent's last house, but I showed the cat, the windows and the chair as accurately as I remember. Sometimes I think about doing ink drawing again, it's been a long time. Back then I did acquire pen nibs, I seem unable to find the matches of. I read that Charles Schultz bought out pen nibs of one entire company before they went out of business. Good pen nibs aren't always easy to find.

This was an early college design project, making letters out of objects.

This is a high school drawing, I think this may be a self portrait from back then and I had long hair, though you can see some of the thickening of the legs. This was done with regular pens around age 14 or 15.

This is probably one of the earliest artworks. This is a water color from when I was a freshman in high school. I remember drawing and painting this one oddly, I think I made up the scene out of my mind. Today I need pictures to draw from or a still-life. 

Post-script art work. I forgot to add this one in. It's either from late high school or freshman year of college, just a one-off, I made for myself and in a sketchbook. You can see the emotion in this one. You probably can guess who I had just dealt with.

A Recent Art Work: Charcoal


The paper is a little bit wrinkly. We had a rain storm while I was transporting some art, long story......

Sunday, November 19, 2017

"A Million Candles Burning For the Help That Never Came"

For those into Leonard Cohen, they know he was singing about God.

He sings "A million candles burning for the help that never came."

This song sums up some of my recent spiritual ponderings. It's hard, to be in a deconversion process. It upends your whole world. You get scared of even trying to figure out who is safe to tell and who is not. I guess the cat is out of the bag now.  I have recently lost several online friends for leaving the traditional Christian camp. Some good and true friends have stuck by me.

 I have spoken of seeking after a more loving God then the one I was presented with in fundamentalist Christianity. I will remember the positive and good teachings of Jesus, but my spiritual picture has definitely changed.  My view of God and religion has as well. The false promises and more came to a head. Some may ask "What happened to your faith in God?" I realized this world is not what they presented it as being to me. Reality became too apparent. The idea of direct intervention failed when my dreams of at least a little bit of justice faded. The veil was ripped off, and I prayed for justice or at least a little bit of comfort instead of the wicked always "winning" and those prayers were never answered. I have to deal with life as it is, not losing my head in magical thinking. I cannot hold to a God who is more like my abusers.  I am still a theist unlike the author of that article, but many of their points stand out to me.

I can't accept hell and other traditional Christian teachings. I may be able to find some areas of commonality with liberal Christians, but I also now consider a return back to Unitarian Universalism too. I miss in some ways who I was even back then. I spent over 12-13 years in that church as a young adult, at least there was one was free to question and seek. There was some interaction instead of just edicts from on high. My self esteem needs recovery. While I definitely was messed up from all the abuse and health problems and still in the narcissistic fog during my UU years, spiritually I was happier. I wasn't locked down in a box of fear and perpetual gloom that the spiritual abuser took advantage of.

Spiritually I can't live under the gloom of condemnation, and the ignoring of reality. I have to go where the love and compassion are. That's not in fundamentalist/evangelical Christianity for me anymore. It's time for freedom and whatever happiness I can find.

Scapegoats Will Have Guilt Projected on Them Too

I had a new revelation recently, concerning the relationship with my cousins. As you all know, I am now no contact with the entire family. Part of the reason I am writing this too is to remind myself that contact with the cousins is not good for me either and why. I felt a lot of loss that Queen Spider got to them too.

I was talking to another ACON blogger when it hit me. They projected guilt on me constantly. When I would contact them, they often were too busy or dismissive as well. These are not people I bothered all the time, I would write them on email or Facebook PM, at most three times a year, and more often only once or twice a year.  I live 250 miles away, these are not people I am calling crying about my problems, or to change a lightbulb or for asking any favors.

With one cousin, I realized how why and how he made me uncomfortable. When I talked to him, I noticed always how everything remained "my fault", everyone else even of the most worse offenses I pointed out, was always blameless while I was always at fault. I supposedly was a bad person for making them feel bad. He would admit that my mother treated me badly, but that's the furthest any relative went. However he followed my mother's bidding in the way, that if I made people feel "bad" or "guilty" that was to be projected back on me.

He wrote me these things:

"However I think your feelings make people uncomfortable sometimes - and they might invalidate you to maintain their own "reality" (with a small r.)"


"I know I've felt guilty in the past for not getting back to you. And feeling guilty is unpleasant, and it's human nature to go into a place of avoidance (i.e. I don't want to contact [my name here--Fivehundredpoundpeep] because I feel bad about not getting back to her, and I don't want to feel bad, so I'll just put it out of my mind.....}

That's a cycle I've tried to become mindful of in myself, and face head on (at least sometimes)"
I have felt "bad" over the no contact with the cousins, but then I see why I had to do it. There was no rescuing these relationships either. I tried. Even within these relationships, I was always at fault. He even managed to project his own feelings of guilt on me like they were "my fault". I made people feel "guilty" and gave them "negative feelings". For what? Just existing? Writing them once in a blue moon? He projected his guilt on to me. I made some crack back, at least he felt feelings of guilt unlike sociopaths in the family, but then I should have told him DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT, DON'T PROJECT IT ON ME! Maybe you have something to feel guilty about! Even with the line about my feelings making people uncomfortable, he basically is being honest about the family choice to invalidate me, lest I be an affront to their reality!

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Lipedema My Chronic Progressive Fat Disease

Brooke Pearce who has Lipedema shares the challenges about the disease. My Lipedema came on with puberty, and then worsened in my late 20s, but many women with Lipedema will get it, after a pregnancy or even as late as menopause.  The water jet liposuction is very expensive and most insurances do not cover it. I'm in bed today from my Lipedema. If I go out even for a little bit too many days in a row, it's like I get slammed physically. Tomorrow I have to spend in bed too because I went out for a couple hours this morning. As I get older, some of my worries have grown. My bed is seeing too much of me.

When she says "My legs are so heavy", I relate. When she cries about always having this disease, I relate, I have had my own emotional reactions. The struggles with pain, are real. The more you do, the more you hurt.

 In my case, I was going to write about how the judgment after all these years has taken a toll on me It doesn't help for the very few I get a chance to tell, they always suddenly say, "Wow you never know what someone is facing", which tells me what they were thinking in their heads before about me! Well at least it was an opportunity for education I guess. Probably all of us in severe stages wonder what our lives could have been without this disorder too.

I worry for her too. I get tired of being told "to be positive", "to be strong" too. I hope she will be okay.  I am going to write her on her Youtube and tell her, "Yeah it does suck, if you need someone to come talk to, come write me". I definitely have dealt with enough "assholes who have something to say". I live in a polite reticient Midwestern town at least where no one gets in my face,but people judge women with lipedema HARSHLY. That needs to stop. Her sadness is shared by many women with Lipedema. This disease is hard enough on it's own. The stigma needs to stop!

Peep Writes on Lipedema


People with fibromyalgia have been ignored for decades and now it's just as bad if not worse for people with ME or chronic fatigue syndrome. I am not diagnosed with fibromyalgia officially though with some doctors they consider it as automatically overlapped with high stage Lipedema. Fatigue complaints are all over my medical charts, and I live at least half my life in bed if not more, but many people have even worse fatigue where they can't get out of bed, and can barely move. Epstein Barr and all sorts of health issues are out there. Sadly one mistake too many doctors make it is to assume mental illness or depression instead of looking at physiological issues. I am glad these film-makers are getting the message out there.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Fat People Flipping You Off

This is just too weird

Is this what size activism has come to? I can cuss like a sailor and have done the middle finger salute when needed, usually that pops up when another crazy driver has attempted to crush us on the road. Since leaving repressive religion, and an idea of a God taking down a score like a demented Santa Claus every time I cuss or say a word  like "shit", I've let a few colorful words of my own fly.

This kind of stuff makes fat people look bad. Look the fat bigots piss me off too, there's a few I have had fantasies wishing I had punched them out. My desire to stay out of court and county jail, kept my fists down more then a few times. I wish I had made an art project out of those giant red joke underwear Queen Spider sent me just to take the piss and to fight back. I may have a pair of them stashed away in my stuff somewhere. Fat people do have a lot to be angry about. We are treated like crap, and the fatter you are the more of a second class citizen you become.

A lot of the people giving the finger aren't that fat, well by my extreme outliner standards, so should I for my 200lbs over them, put up a double-middle finger salute?  This makes fat activists look silly. It also plays into the societal belief that fat people are "REBELLIOUS" and fat because they won't do what is right and supposedly become slender people from "EATING RIGHT". I know middle fingers are supposed to be "edgy" but honestly I am bored. Even one word that begins with "F" got so overused in movies and shows, that it's fire power got greatly diminished, the same goes for it's related sign language.

Please size activists do better then this. 

Calorie Counts on Menus

Calorie Counts on Menus

I've been noticing this more around. Too many things have too many calories. Does it impact your choices? There's no way I'd want to eat some 500 calorie donut. Give me some meat at least that will last. Get some bang for your buck. I question calories, since they never changed my weight either way but figure it's better to avoid 1500 calories at one meal. I knew how a "healthy" sandwich at Panera would outdistance a BigMac. Some of the foods will trick you like that.

Lucretia My Reflection

Welcome to Heaven

LOL this cartoon sums up a lot of my thinking about religion lately. I do like that Naked Pastor guy a lot. In IFB/fundamentalist Christianity barely anyone got in. I think beyond heaven now in possibilities of a would-be afterlife, but in extreme forms of religion like Christian fundamentalism, heaven becomes a "special club" for the very few to obtain. I once had a preacher say only 5 percent of this room [his congregation] will make it. I always felt like that square peg trying to fit into the round hole.

Why finding friends is difficult for people with Aspergers

LOL one sentence sums this up: "What am I supposed to talk to people about?" Online I am fine, there are enough obscure interests, Aspies and others I can talk about all sorts of subjects with. In real life, it's closed down city, and unless I have grandchildren or vacations overseas to brag about forget it! Yes Aspies can face bigger barriers socially. I wish I could find friends locally like I have online, people I can be open to and talk to. I relate to this guy big time. It is good he still tries and has not given up.

Outside of my one busy book club friend, there's simply no one to talk to outside my husband in any "real way". I remain frozen in this "nice" acquaintance stage with many. It's all nice, "how's the weather?" and junk like that. I don't mind a lot of "light" interactions, some of those are enjoyable for what they are. We can't be besties with the whole world, but inside one wonders can they get "close" to people anymore? I certainly don't want to open myself up and get my ass burned like I did in some bad friendships as I detailed on this blog. However having everything remain at the flat line polite level for years and years, is sad. It makes a person feel lonely.

Socially I have grown far less confident and my social anxiety has worsened. I feel like I have to "hide" my true personality everywhere I go. Everything I talk about seems to offend people so I just went silent.  Worrying about how you appear makes you too self-focused but then what if you try to "let loose" or allow a sincere interest in other people to lead the way and it still doesn't work? Some would say vulnerability is a requirement for a real friendship to develop but if you can't find people who think like you or have any of same interests off line in the real world, it's far harder.

 I don't need gobs of people surrounding me as I have my husband, but I am wondering why is it so hard to talk to people here and why does everything remain frozen locally at the Minnesota Nice level?  I don't live in Minnesota but sometimes I feel like I do.  The culture here is weird. It occurred to me I haven't even heard anyone yell while I was in public in 11 years. It's smiles and freezing. I don't want screaming people and fist fights but is so repressed and double-faced. At least in New York or something someone may give it to you straight or offer an opinion.

It's strange, some people who even directly blow me off--like someone, they'll come up to me to be nice in public, but then I think about how I tried to call them a couple times, and then had to give up. I'd rather they be nice then mean, but it is confusing. This was someone I formerly talked on the phone with at times and visited on occasion. It makes no sense. I run into her at a book club and she acts like we are still friends. I even sit across the room and decide to leave her alone but she approaches me. I am confused.  I don't understand these type of people and there seems to be a lot of them. You can't depend on them to be there. She never answers her phone, or returns calls. It would have hurt less to have been left alone.

 This one woman who I thought I was forming a friendship with, but then it faltered after I told her I was housebound in the summer, came up to me in art class a couple weeks ago,  right in the middle of the class, and started asking me all these questions. I had thoughts of asking the teacher to throw her out but the atmosphere is informal enough people will come and watch people paint and do projects. She was another one where I called and wanted to talk--she gave me her phone number asking me to call and then vanished. I was polite but I felt wary because she had already given me a complete freeze-out. I said a few things but turned away on purpose.  It was strange, she had already blown me off. She told me, "Oh people love your art work!" Is this some kind of narcissistic supply thing? If you don't like me enough to call me back, why come up and start blathering on about life? Oh she joined in on the travelogue speeches too.

Trump and Playground Insults

Is it still reality actor time? Is the senility and dementia growing? That two aren't mutually exclusive, it could be both. Have any of you read the latest with Putin? And WHY is this guy still in office? He's unfit.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

The Latest Painting

I had to crop some of the bottom off because I signed the painting. Also got a little reflection off the corner of the tree when photographing, but I liked how this painting turned out.

Monday, November 6, 2017

A Love/Hate Relationship With One's Town

                                         picture by me

I went to this cultural event with my husband where they ran a program where people write about their towns both good and bad. I don't know if they understand what they are getting into in this place. This is an affluent town, where the divide between the haves and have-nots is immense. One paper asked "What do you think of your town?" We were supposed to fill these out.  We also were supposed to write questions to ask things about our town.

I asked the lady in charge, "Do you want us to be honest"? She said, "Yes, write whatever you want." I wrote "This place has great scenery, beautiful nature, but is socially disconnected and less friendly then any other small town, I have ever lived in. There are great cultural things here like this great art center, and a wonderful library, but the economic divides here are so immense they have created great disconnection". I wrote about our library being a wonderful library on one paper, and went in more detail wanting to stress some of the good too.

I also wrote, "Why is this place so conservative?" Republican politics rule our town with an iron fist probably due to it being so affluent.  There's a few liberals especially since other human beings are out there protesting with us, but we often discuss the influence of these negative Republican politics around here. We then discussed the historical reasons behind the predominant conservatism. Smaller towns are more conservative in general at least in our region of the country.

 I also wrote, "Why are there no young people here? Gen X seems nonexistent and millennials are leaving." Two older ladies were there, and said, they were concerned about young people leaving too, due to the lack of jobs. One man in his 50s piped up and said, "They were bored with smaller town life." Some people brought up the racial and economic divides between the wealthy side of town and the poorer more African American side of town--a point I was eluding to more generally. One of the older ladies, said, she agreed with me about the social disconnection, and unlike other small towns, this place operated socially like bigger cities and it was nothing like Cheers where everyone knows your name. People move a lot in and out for a big corporation that dominates our town.

The group then discussed why the reasons for the social disconnection. The idea was offered was that this is a far more transient place, and people moved a lot. The impact of our heavy tourist here [they come for the beautiful scenery] also was seen as something that impacts a community negatively when it comes to cohesion and so much of the community catering to their needs over local needs. One lady said, "This town changes and becomes almost a different place when the tourists leave." I nodded my head and agreed.

I have a hate/love relationship with the place I live. I know on this blog I talked about moving away. It still gets brought up at times, but I decided to focus on the bloom where you are planted approach, that helped a lot. I am even now figuring out where to find more of a niche. I have involved myself in more community events as health has allowed, this has ranged from a public transit meeting to a cultural meeting like this.  My protesting is a "community" event of sorts too that allowed me to meet a few nice people. I figure if you are living in a place, try and change it for the better.

I do enjoy many activities here. I don't sneeze at having a great art center, library, medical resources and charity that was non-existent in my old town.  The wealth of this area, probably has brought me these resources too.  However, I have wondered why it seems so hard to get to know people here. Sure there are friendly people here, there's one church I go to a book club and charity dinner at and know a few friends, but this is one odd place.

Sometimes the social class chasms get to me, on the other side of the river, there's plenty of people even poorer then me, but what would they think if they were sitting at at various social events, listening to several people all at once talk about their international vacations. This was not at this particular event but one lady was talking about exploring shops, and some were expensive, I thought she was talking about our downtown, but she was talking about Rome. The whole room then burst forward with their tales of going to Greece, India and Germany. I made a joke, I would visit some of those places if I won the Lotto but my comment wasn't heard among the endless travelogues. I don't fit in a lot of places, but these endless class divisions do affect me. One question bounces around in my brain, why are they always bragging so much to each other? How come they never talk about anything real? It's always achievements and showing off.

It really is older here, most places I went most women were 15-20 years older then me and I am already "older" myself. It helped to learn, I wasn't imagining this. Gen X didn't make this level of wealth, or are far fewer in number. Millennials definitely are struggling even worse. I found this discussion interesting in that others were noticing many things I had. My husband said, that knowing the "voter" turn out, being so low, that there is definitely some people who do not support the dominant conservatism and Republicanism. I suppose a small town can be a micro-cosm of America.

The economic and racial divides that are so predominant here are growing in America. The out of touch conservatism among the affluent, definitely is playing a role nationally. Some are charitable of course, but their world is so completely different. My town is a picture of this. I read where Republicans considered a 450,000 dollar a year income to be "middle-class", well maybe on the spectrum with big buck 1 percent people on one end, but it shows how out of touch many are.

Socially what people focus on in different classes is quite different. I have felt like a fish out of water, because achievement and status is so important to the upper middle class here. I have my family baggage affecting things and admit it. I don't relate to them. I want to talk about other things. Some of them like my art, but I feel nervous around them. It feels like everything I talk about is "wrong" and Aspergers only makes it harder.

Technically I and my husband could lay claim to an alternative form of the "creative class" since he is a published author though we are very low income, but I notice even my brain seems to just work different. I don't want to hate on the rich, but sometimes when trying to talk to them, there seems to be an immense wall between me and them.  I also look at the poorer side of our town,  the few poor on this side of town, and their troubles and oppressions with growing alarm. So many are struggling just to survive, and that seems to be getting worse. What do these other folks really learn as they travel the world?

Poor and Sick in America

Poor and Sick in America

Cancer as a young millennial? That's got to be the worse! Chemo is insanely priced.

I learned the other day my insurance company and many others, are trying to switch people over to cheaper synthetic insulin, with my hormonal problems, my doctor immediately agreed with filling out over-ride papers to keep getting the regular. I told him if that fails, I have paperwork already for a program to get medicine from the company. I am doing this as early as possible, without insurance, I can't buy my insulin, it costs almost as much as my rent. Oh that's not my most expensive drug, the most expensive lung drug costs 30% more then my monthly rent and hits 5 figures. Chemo can be tens of thousands of dollars, even for one dose.

Going on 1950s insulin from Wal-mart, is Plan C, but I doubt it will come to that. That insulin doesn't work the same by the way.

This poor woman with cancer, I can't even imagine the bills. Cancer is so expensive, even if you are fully insured that is one that can crush you to the wall. I know so many young people who have died of cancer too. The treatments don't seem to work. Imagine being so sick and financial concerns are crushing you. I have lived this before and detailed my own experiences with no diagnosis, no insurance and using the emergency room as my doctor for when ever I was acutely in danger of dying. This poor woman fears death, and her money problems and having to sit on a floor at a low-cost clinic sounds depressing.

When you are poor, you don't go to the ER unless you are dying. It could mean a 500 dollar bill in my earlier days and yes they'd come after you in collections. All those asthma attacks I had while uninsured, were scary. One reason we stayed living in a town that is so socially weird, is there is a FREE CLINIC, and a giant big one, that my husband uses.  They build a new center costing in the millions. In our old small town, there was this country doctor who would go to one little room in a church, and all the poor people had to line up outside, in the cold snow or rain, sometimes for hours. I was insured by then and on Social Security so avoided this, but I had my days navigating the Chicago free clinic system.

Republicans hate things like free clinics, and insurance for the poor. I agree with her about Republicans who are trying to make her life harder and mine and many others. I heard they are trying to push Trump care again. I still don't get all these Christians who love Trump and just want everyone to go and die whose disabled or chronically ill.

 It's like they will never let up in trying to destroy everyone's life. I had my days going without medicine, and treatment that remain with me. I almost didn't out live it. Medical bills have been a part of my life for a long time.  Even with insurance they can pile up. Payments are made on many of mine.  Financial decisions do affect some of my own medical choices, though at least now I am stable. Many people in this country however are suffering like this woman, and it is a horror. It is not right, and we have people in charge who want to increase their suffering.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Abstract Painting

Take the red outline away, I am not sure why the computer added that, there's my abstract painting. It's been a long time since I painted this way.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Hard Edged Acrylic Painting

I did my first abstract painting in years using some of these methods. I used Painters Tape. It works better then masking tape. When I get it done, I will post it.

More Religious Thoughts

I'm still in a weird spiritual spot, I am not an atheist at this point but a conflicted theist. My husband has asked me about attending more liberal churches, but I am not ready for all the social demands yet or committing to Sunday Services. I've gotten used to sleeping in on Sunday. One thing I will admit here, one of my Aspie "interests" aka besides art, has been "religion" for years. I almost think it would be healthier to table things for awhile. And go with the flow and figure myself out.

Most people I know are Christians, I live in a small religious town. I can't talk about a lot of my doubts. Being a fat Aspie, I am not thrilled about adding Apostate to the list. I've hung out on various places on line having deep philosophical and spiritual debates. In real life, I'd upset too many people outside of my husband and a few others.

Maybe UUs could handle my questions like Why did a perfect God make imperfect people He expects to be perfect? or Why would God even create people He knew one day would end up in hell? [maybe like me] I've read too much Carl Sagan and am reading a book called "The Varieties of Scientific Experiences". His points about religion and God make sense to me. See page 185 for discussion of religion and societal control. "Religions historically have made people contented with their lot".  

 I am full of contradictions lately and it's hard to explain what I am going through to people. The edge of nihilism and the edge of religious hope are all combating one another in my mind. It's even hard to explain to people.Some people will say God saved them from this storm or this car accident but then there was part of me that wondered, well what about the people who didn't get saved? Were they bad people? God rescued you that day from the speeding semi, but then not that other person? Fundamentalism can make for magical thinking and almost this idea, that you are God's chosen and He's looking out for you more then anyone else. This kind of added to my burden because I couldn't make sense of my own life.  Random Chance with a spinning roulette wheel seemed to apply far more then God making immediate decisions on multiple life issues.

 God never answered my prayers. Some can argue the healing and meditative quality of prayers, but that is where some of my religious doubts came in. God seemed to be staring down at me and just saying "No, No, No" like all the narcissists did to me. Some Christians online told me, "God answered my prayers!"  I felt like the kid who got a piece of coal in his Christmas stocking for a long time. I still consider God when I look at nature, and sunsets over the lake, so religious thought has not died out for me completely but I can't go down the God with a checklist, marking things off, "Today Peep's husband doesn't get the parking space" or "Today Peep will feel sick or she will feel better then usual".

I don't believe in miracles. Maybe with age, I became a cynic. Who knows?  Inside I always did feel guilty. Maybe someone like me needs to take up drinking to take the edge off but I am allergic to most alcoholic beverages. I have to reign myself in constantly. All these negative emotions swirling. At the coffee shop I felt like ripping this loudspeaker they had near the table we sat at blaring loud music that made me unable to hear anyone. They promised to "turn it down", I think they lied because it never went down one decibel. I never could be the "good holy woman" My personality chafed on the edge of my chosen religion for many years.

All these people told me to be positive. I used to feel the religious highs, thinking God would "deliver me" and after I went through this time of suffering there would be some "great meaning" in it. I could have these troubles, but I would make roses out of Kleenex and magic lemonade out of rotten lemons.  I wanted to be strong, and imagined life as a movie where a happy meaning came of it all or some violins playing. I had strange dreams about "changing" the world and being discovered as an artist. I'm not sure where this extreme idealism came from. Coping with just getting the dishes done, seemed far harder. My head was always too much in the clouds for my own good. My religious obsessions played into that.

Even with the narcissistic family,  I had strange religious thoughts. I never expected Queen Spider to budge or the top minions but maybe I had some hope that in walking away, for these last several years, that it would be a wake up call.  They would think maybe that weird fat cousin, had a few points or was right? I rescued myself from abuse, but it never brought resolution, I lost 45 people instead and even two fake "best friends" who took my family's side. How do you explain your emptied out life to people? God couldn't intervene with just one to bring me a little dignity, voice and resolution? The ex millionaire friend would gloat over my religious troubles. She was always talking about me and God my "invisible best friend". It's strange she saw "Him" as my best friend, when I couldn't even get a spiritual return phone call.

I pondered other strange stuff. I am really a liberal. It took me years to figure this out. but populism always called to my soul. I never want to oppress people. I think Universal Basic income is a great idea and imagine a society of progress. I love unions and have always been against the death penalty. The anti-intellectualism of Trump and his pals chafes. The 1950s weren't as great as some wanted to make it out to be. Running to the past and embracing it's oppressions sucks.

Worse of all I stopped being able to love a God that could fill hell up with a billion souls. It troubled me. Inside my heart recoiled. He welcomes me in to heaven, the bright white light and then I turn and will supposedly see all my Jewish, atheist, Buddhist friends and agnostic husband burning in the hot flames. It just wasn't working for me. Fundamentalism messes people up. Why did they pound into us night and day how many people were going to hell? It just feels like fear and control. It feels like the holy 1 percent cheering as the 99 percent are getting made into charcoal. I want to apologize to everyone where I brought out the fundamentalist talk.

It is so much to work through. Many people who enter into doubt regarding Christianity or who leave Christianity fundamentalism or who "deconvert" online confess how not receiving answers to prayers was part of their spiritual problem. I never saw God as a ATM machine, who would make me "rich" or a genie in the bottle, but if someone is going to have a relationship with the Lord, you need to hear back sometimes. God gave me this mind, and if it goes places He doesn't like, some of the responsibility lies with Him. The same goes for Carl Sagan.

Fat Mea Culpa

It always sucks to see a fat person do the mea culpa bit. Her commenters are jerks, screaming at her to go on a diet, and do all these things that obviously aren't working. I went back through her videos and don't agree with the eating videos, but it looks like she has been on the diet merry go around that fat people are so familiar with. She weighs out her carrots, wheat thins and tuna and salads and tons of boring tasteless diet food.

 I felt weird eating a bagel with cream cheese at the coffee shop at my monthly book club, I realized that's the first time I've ever bought food and eaten it there in more then two years of going to this book club. Usually I just get a plain coffee. Thin people all over order lattes, eat cookies and eat giant cheese or chocolate chip muffins at this place. One lady talked about doing a 2,000 mile bike ride who was at the club. How is that possible?

I feel sorry for this girl, she's so overweight very young. Beating herself up is not going to remove the weight or magically make her a thin person. Sadly this is a sign of what has been done to fat people where we are told we must apologize even for existing.

Being Assertive?

Yesterday I had a weird moment. I went to a movie at our local disability meeting place. The movies are good,, we watched a movie called Head of the Class, where a man with Tourette's became an award winning teacher. Sometimes I notice odd things.  The regular person was out so they had to set up the movie. I need closed captioning to watch a movie. My hearing is too poor even with the sound turned up. Of course, this was "new" to the people setting up the system. I told the person trying to set up the system, "Go to display settings, that is where closed captions are, I've had to do this multiple times on our cable system.". I asked nicely.

They ignored me. They kept working at it for 20 minutes. I said, "I know how to do it". I also felt on the spot because I was the "deaf" person necessitating the closed captions. I was ready to pound my fist on the table, but said, "Why aren't you listening to me? I can fix it!". Finally after 25 minutes of  trying to fix it, they finally relented and I got the closed captions up. The "display settings" had a direct closed caption box right on it. Sometimes this type of stuff annoys me. People think I am dumb or something from my outward appearance. Are they thinking, "That disabled woman would never know how to fix a computer/media system."

I am glad I spoke out because I would have had to leave if there was no closed captions on the movie. One thing is bugging me around here too, all the disabled people have left our disability group. Is anyone noticing? Did they notice this treatment and go poof? I'm trying to listen to my intuition. There's all these elderly women showing up who are all above 65 years old with no noticeable disabilities in the group. These are all upper middle class women too.  It's strange every time to do anything social here, even being this "old" myself everyone is 15-20 years older. I don't relate to wealthy elderly women. That seems to be the only people who live around here. Or else, people are staying home, because they don't feel listened to and they have given up. These types seem to just ignore you like you are invisible. Maybe that's why the disabled people are gone.

Friday, October 20, 2017


This has happened to me many times. Who wants rewrap again?  Soon I'm getting a Farrow way wrap for the right leg, it will ease some of the wrapping burden.

10 Times Carl Sagan Blew Our Minds

I loved Carl Sagan as a kid, I used to watch Cosmos constantly, it blew my mind when he talked about how many galaxies there were. Today they even explore the idea of their being multiple universes. We definitely have lost the drive for science and knoweldge in this country, science is distrusted. We need more people like Carl Sagan especially now.

A Good Point

"You can’t reconcile with people with whom there was never an attachment."

 This is a good point. I saw it online when I was discussing the ins and outs of abusive pasts with someone. Something to think about. How many therapists push for people to reconcile with those from their past, they never had true relationships with? For all the people I went no contact with, was I ever really attached, were we really close? The people you are close to and attached to, you can share your real self with, you are accepted and not judged. Something to think about when you are trying to learn what constitutes good relationships, and bad ones. One thing I fell into with the toxic friends, was they kept me at a distance. Always doors being shut in my face. The good people are open, you don't have to struggle and 'work so hard'.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Mirror in the Bathroom

The Most Lovable Thing About Each Meyers-Briggs Personality

The Most Lovable Thing About Each Meyers-Briggs Personality

The honesty they bring to each encounter. The soft and calming presence of their minds. The virtues they can pull from any vices, and the artwork they can make from any pain. The fierceness they apply to their convictions. The way they live and die by their beliefs. Their ability to weave the chaos and the suffering of humanity into an intricate tapestry of understanding. The shame they alleviate through sharing their own."

I've tested INFP for years though oddly when I was a teen and in my 20s, I tested INFJ, I suppose being a teacher probably brought out the J instead of the P back then. Most people I get on with, have the NF part of their personality--we can explore the intuitive and feeling part of life, the "S"s are the practical people where there is no meeting of the minds with. T's always find me too intense and I find them too unfeeling. INFJ and INFP are supposed to be the 1 percent and 2 percent personalities of the Meyers Briggs world, there's not supposed to be that many of us, and INFP they seem to all be the "tortured artist types". It was weird I joined this INFP board on Facebook and noticed some had traits like me. It was kind of weird. 

Take a Personality Test

Is Trump Insane, Senile or Both?

Does Trump have Dementia? One thing I noticed was reading his Twitter accounts is that his vocabulary level is very low. He didn't use any advanced words. It was all short, fourth-grade reading level writing. Reagan definitely showed a few problems but with Trump it seems far more severe. Check out this guy's other videos showing Trump's confusion and word salad. Trump was called a "moron" by one of his ex-staff members, and some have discussed his levels of intelligence are nowhere near what they expected.

This goes beyond dementia from aging but perhaps delusions from a would be deep seated personality disorder. Some mental health professionals have come together and one has even written a book about Trump not being mentally well enough to hold the office of the Presidency.  

"THE DANGEROUS CASE OF DONALD TRUMP: 27 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President
Bandy X. Lee, M.D., M.Div., Organizer of Yale's "Duty to Warn" Conference
Thomas Dunne Books
The consensus view of two dozen psychiatrists and psychologists that Trump is dangerously mentally ill and that he presents a clear and present danger to the nation and our own mental health.
This is not normal.
Since the start of Donald Trump’s presidential run, one question has quietly but urgently permeated the observations of concerned citizens: What is wrong with him? Constrained by the American Psychiatric Association’s “Goldwater rule,” which inhibits mental health professionals from diagnosing public figures they have not personally examined, many of those qualified to answer this question have shied away from discussing the issue at all. The public has thus been left to wonder whether he is mad, bad, or both.

In THE DANGEROUS CASE OF DONALD TRUMP, twenty-seven psychiatrists, psychologists, and other mental health experts argue that, in Mr. Trump’s case, their moral and civic “duty to warn” America supersedes professional neutrality. They then explore Trump’s symptoms and potentially relevant diagnoses to find a complex, if also dangerously mad, man.
Philip Zimbardo and Rosemary Sword, for instance, explain Trump’s impulsivity in terms of “unbridled and extreme present hedonism.” Craig Malkin writes on pathological narcissism and politics as a lethal mix. Gail Sheehy, on a lack of trust that exceeds paranoia. Lance Dodes, on sociopathy. Robert Jay Lifton, on the “malignant normality” that can set in everyday life if psychiatrists do not speak up.
His madness is catching, too. From the trauma people have experienced under the Trump administration to the cult-like characteristics of his followers, he has created unprecedented mental health consequences across our nation and beyond.
It’s not all in our heads. It’s in his."

Madhouse of the Universe

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Friday, October 6, 2017

Friendships and Social Lives

Yeah it's scary, when you clear the decks, and realize almost your entire social life is via the Internet, though twice I have met Internet friends in real life, and it was great so Internet friends ARE  indeed real friends. If I connect to someone online, I will in person, so hopefully one day, I will win the Lotto or get some money to make visiting all my online friends possible. This is a trip I've wanted to take for some time. It would be great fun. These are people who love my weirdness. They do light me up.

I have these discussions with my husband where I tell him, we need to become less locally socially isolated. We do live in our own little cacoon. When you get older, you get too tired to run around like before. We enjoy each other's company a lot, so it's easier, just to hang out with each other and let the world do what it wants to do. We are a fortunate couple that became closer as we aged.  Last night we even got into an interesting conversation about Bob Marley and are reading a new book on him called "So Much Things to Say".  I tell him we should get some local friends outside of book club and other people I know, just people to eat a dinner out with once in a while but it's hard to always pull off. We have met some nice people while protesting at least. Some people would say that is how life is when you get old and hey you have someone to talk to at least!

We have faced some more recent losses. One thing with people in our life that happened to us, is some people here died or moved away. I just lost two people in town, one was a book club member,and a very sweet lady, she gave me one of the walkers that got stolen and another was the old head of my self-help group, a great guy who always had kindness and understanding for everyone. They both died too young and of cancer, and were under the age of 55. It's tough. We all hate losing people. Life is too fleeting and short. I think about all the people from my old town who passed away too. It's just been too many people. I will miss both of them.

I felt a loss over the ex-millionaire friend too, that has gotten to me. Her lack of feeling about the ending of the friendship, really bothered me. Thirty years down the drain, and she can't even show a little emotion beyond "bored social worker"? Even being told to go to hell, would have been easier then that. I don't understand people like this, I really don't. It's troubled me. I wish I didn't miss people who don't care about me, it is a waste of emotion and energy, but then I find myself thinking, "Why did it go that way?" Did she feel any connection to me at all? 

There's part of me that wish I kept quiet, and just went with the flow, and I wouldn't be out from a "friend" but then the disrespect was ripping me down inside.  ACON recovery says no more putting up with people who look down on me.

Being Aspie, relationships are hard. There's so many social rules I mess up. I have the tendency to blame myself when friendships or relationships go down the crapper. It's good, I was spared romantic heart-break, or any break-ups in this life. I am married to the first boyfriend. I sometimes go crazy inside thinking about how my financial problems have affected my relationships and had weird thoughts, like "Well if I had this amount of money or won the Lotto, I could have saved the relationships my mother was able to steal, just by overcoming my lack of being able to be there." A person can drive themselves crazy with this sort of thing. So I have to stop it. A person can only do what they can do.

Sometimes when I am out socializing I totally freeze up. My Aspergers has worsened as I age. Some people I do just fine with like meeting an Internet friend in real life and have fun, but often I am frozen or stuck in small talk and don't know what to say.  My Aspergers has worsened as I have aged in some ways, the deafness is taking an impact, I have to process so much to hear people, which includes lip reading and interpreting words through a fog of sensorineural deafness. The hearing aids help but they don't replace all hearing. It was great to find out both my art teachers at the art center have voices I can hear, but those are the kind of things that impact a life.

But something odd happened, I figured out my social struggles may not be so extreme outside the family issues compared to other people. In fact I may do better then I thought out there in the American landscape of social disconnection. Hearing other people's experiences on this issue have helped me gain perspective.

I was on this reddit board, and people were talking about "adulting" and friendship and saying, they just go to work, sleep and watch TV so maybe I don't live that different from the average person, except my "work" is staying alive, medical phone calls, pills and disabled person stuff. I can blow through 4-5 hours, easy just throwing away some papers, cooking a dinner with cut vegetables in it, which seems to be a necessity for any decent blood sugars, doing some dishes, resting between activities, and just getting through the day. I'm not bored ever.That says something doesn't it?

I have continued with book clubs and protesting as health as allowed, and enjoy all those. I used to think socially I was inept from being so fat, and Aspie, well that affects it but I joined this group that talks about "friendship" on Facebook and was in shock to see so many others facing the same struggles. Often fellow Aspie friends told me their struggles which were like mine, but this group told me these struggles are not rare.

 The group made me feel more sane and like my experience wasn't so extreme. Many of them had toxic friends too they had to get away from, or were very alone or found it hard to connect to people. It does get harder as you get older. I can't say I am lonely, because I have someone to talk to all day and lots of friends online but I noticed friendship had become very difficult for other women who were average weight, thin, healthy, and neurotypical. It kind of blew my mind. They had friendship break-ups or had moved to a new town, or found it very hard to make friends. Many were like me mourning friendships that broke up or where people died, or were toxic or where they got betrayed too. Many got ghosted or had that thing where people just disappear. Others had friends make negative comments about their appearance over weight or ended up as third wheels.

Maybe friendship is in trouble in the United States in general. The man who wrote Bowling Alone spoke of mere proximity being an important factor in friendship for many years but this has changed with transitory modern life. Many articles attest to a crisis in America in making friends especially for those who are older.

People today are also pushed to the wall. I and my husband don't work traditional jobs and we get 'busy' all the time. It seems unimaginable for people with families and commutes to deal with. I saw my doctor this morning which takes about an hour or so.  He has worked all night and after I write this, I am going to make us both lunch and then I have to wrap and clean a few things. Many are working so much there is no time to socialize. Domestic tasks take up a lot of time. I realized with me, the shortage of energy does affect me socially. I have grown more understanding realizing how busy people are now. Here we have to be careful realizing that people who are always "busy" are making us a low priority and it's best to move on and realizing on the other end people just to survive now are under the gun, they are either being worked like dogs, or unemployed with no money to do anything, or facing health problems. Light activities for me like book clubs, and art class and the rest have been good things to fit into my own life.

I made a would be friend here in an art class last year, and I really wanted to be friends with her, she was eccentric, and funny, and an independent thinker, but she got angry at me, when I told her I could not sign up for a summer art class, due to being housebound too much from heat. I called her once, and she never talked to me again, so the friendship died before it started. Those things will happen. You think see the potential and it fizzles out. Many talked about those type of moments too.

There's a lot of complexity to social lives, and friendships. I am changing from my ACON recovery, looking for certain qualities in friends and also not accepting what I once did.  The people I am hanging around more now are KIND. I don't want Judgers, fixers and the rest I wanted to escape.  I am trying to fix some of my errors, like laying on way too many problems on friends and being more immediately upfront about the health problems so I don't offend or lose people simply from my limited energy or the way I have to live. I also have become more laid back, realizing being disabled, there's only so much energy and "spoons" and I can only do what I can. Sometimes I think Facebook has turned lives and social lives into contests, and people get caught up in the "dancing or socializing as fast as I can" kind of scheme, and it brings a superficiality into relationships. I am glad I joined the Friendship page on Facebook, because it gave me a bigger perspective on life and that others have faced social troubles too not just supersized Aspies. 


Thursday, October 5, 2017

Puerto Rico

America is literally fraying at the edges. I hope some help is coming now for the Puerto Rican people. This is the worse time to have someone like Trump in charge. Many will be have to evacuate, in some of the photos it looks like the whole infrastructure has been destroyed. Living in a hurricane zone is very dangerous for anyone with health problems where one needs power for dialysis or a CPAP machine. I always wonder why no one has worked to invent affordable in house or apartment power generators, so our weather isn't so immediately life-threatening. Humanity needs this far more then video games and more screens. Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Harvey and Florida with Maria.

One thing with gas, that struck me as incredibly dumb once even for my own American state, is the power went out, which means no pumps worked at the gas station. No one thought that one out very well. Food goes off fast after that initial day. I am worried for the people there and others that have been hit by severe hurricanes.

Things are getting scary in Puerto Rico

Bill Maher Makes Fun of Fat People

Bill Maher the elitist doesn't get it. They question why fat people can't get good clothes, because stupidity and prejudice outweighs profit when it comes to extreme hatred of fat people? Tim Gunn at least speaks out for some diversity. The chemical diet with low nutrition are many factors behind obesity, instead Maher shows the typical blame towards fat people.

The Mission UK Wasteland

Monday, October 2, 2017

Advice From a Good Mother

Mom's List of Don'ts

"To my daughter,
Don't apologize when someone else bumps into you.
Don't say "sorry to be such a pain." You're not a pain. You're a person with thoughts and feelings who deserves respect.
Don't make up reasons as to why you can't go out with a guy you don't wanna go out with. You don't owe anyone an explanation. A simple "no thanks" should be acceptable.
Don't overthink what you eat in front of people. If you're hungry, eat, and eat what you want. If you want pizza, don't get a salad just because other people are around. Order the damn pizza.
Don't keep your hair long to make someone else happy.
Don't wear a dress if you don't want to.
Don't stay home because you don't have anyone to go out with. Take yourself out. Have experiences by yourself and for yourself.
Don't hold back your tears. Crying means you're feeling something that needs to get out. It's not a weakness. It's being human.
Don't smile because someone told you to.
Don't be afraid to laugh at your own jokes.
Don't say "yes" to be polite. Say "no" because it's your life.
Don't hide your opinions. Speak up and speak loudly. You should be heard.
Don't apologize for being who you are. Be brave and bold and beautiful. Be unapologetically you."

Queen Spider told me the opposite of everything on this list. With the first one, she would drag me out of the way of strangers who were 10 feet away. Just grab me and push so they always had the right of way, this told me, that strangers meant far more to her then I did.  Many ACONs it was their destiny to spend their lives making excuses for their existence. This is a mother who cares about her daughter and wants her to be happy. Dresses are cool though, the same would apply for those who want you to wear jeans every minute and who demand you wear short hair when you do not want to.

Elder Goths

The reality of Elder Goths

Since I left fundamentalism, I've been listening to more music again. I realized I still dressed "goth" to an extent, people used to ask me why I dressed like it was 1890. Because it was cooler? LOL When I get a new dress, it will be black.

I was a fat goth

I see my MLD therapist this week

I am planning to talk to my MLD therapist about going into short term rehab. I would have to see if insurance would pay for it. When the therapists wrapped me, they got my legs very thin, I just manage to keep them from growing bigger. My body is getting more swollen and in pain. The Flexitouch helps but the litany of wrapping and swelling is wearing me out. She probably is going to tell me all my bandages have worn out, but I will be able to get them all replaced when I see her. A kind friend gave me some Tubigrip, she saved my ability to keep wrapping. All this stuff wears out. It is insane.

I have concerns about my mobility. I got my sugars in good control cooking like crazy, and having more food money for vegetables this week, under 120 daily for fasting, but weight loss obviously I am getting no where outside of taking a teeny bit off and working not to gain. My concerns about my mobility are growing, my legs hurt a lot, and it seems I am getting injuries a lot just from walking around normally.

I don't want to go into long term rehab or end up in a nursing home. One fact people don't know, is because of how insurance works for disabled people, this means losing your apartment, and becoming homeless. I just wonder if they can get my legs down really small in a rehab situation but then there's this issue, of how would I "keep" them that way, when I do the best I can now? It is complicated. Weight loss has gotten weird, as all my clothes are falling off the top of me, and don't fit right, but it's not showing up on the scale with the swollen lower body that grows and swells the more I do.  So I need new clothes too.

Taking Another Art Class

recent painting, sorry it's tilted. This painting actually looks better in life. I was doing some painting layers on it that succeeded. I may sell it but have to get a better picture of it. I may keep it too for an art show. One painting I recently donated to a charity auction.

I'm taking another art class. I plan to start two paintings today and we will have some free working time in class tomorrow.. One is a fall scene, and another of a giant flower. I may paint a political painting too, that has war protesters in it. Lately, I want to try and break out of the traditional subjects in painting and talked to my new art teachers about that. Years ago I would paint some weird and goth stuff but then I went more traditional.

One was a college art professor for thirty years, I am eager to see what he says about art. I did reveal my art past in this class during introductions of when I used to be an art teacher for such a short time. Some other older retired art teachers who had far longer careers got the same idea. One thing that troubles me, is I never have been able to break into the traditional art world. When I saw the "Members Show" at the local art center, I thought, "How did they manage to get in?" Some of my work I hope would be good enough to get in. I have always wanted to get into a regular art show but outside of school ones when young and my own several "Do it yourself" affairs, I have not managed it. Yes, the fees and framing and other financial concerns were a major barrier.