Friday, December 8, 2017

This wasn't originally an ACON blog

I've had several ACON allies leave the internet lately. It's kind of hard since this was an online community important to me. My Aspie self never gets used to these kind of changes. That's one aspect of my personality many don't understand. Change always seems to bring loss and never additions. I know normal people "move on" and who am I to judge? It feels lonely though.  My blog still survives, but I have nightmares that I will be the last one still blogging against narcisissm. Maybe the narcissists won and silenced everyone.

This isn't easy to do. Even when I was finishing the zines, some of it had to do with the family, and that was hard, because I was drawing things from a few years ago, I try not to think of the family everyday now. It's too painful. It didn't work out. There was no fixing any of it no matter what I did or didn't do.  When I went no contact, maybe I didn't expect changes of the main narcissists but I didn't realize the price would be the whole family. Some of ACON allies have healed and moved on, that makes sense, but I feel a loss in having several people I once corresponded with, having left these corners of the Internet.

One online blogger and ACON ally disappeared 10-12 months ago, she just vaporized and stopped blogging, I always wonder what happened to her? I even worried she may have died and we had no way to find out. For those of us who have the Internet as our main social life, outside of a marriage, there can be some drawbacks to this. We want in real life friends and people who care about us too in day to day lives. Internet interactions while there can be some deep sharing, and support, they can peter out. It's hard. How do you say you miss people you only talked to online? I have some close online friends where there is phone and other contact, but it's hard, there's always that far away feeling. I told someone regarding the lack of a day to day social life that I hate always being stuck in having to sell myself. I wish I could just be somewhere in life where people knew me, and I knew them and the selling stage was long over. Every time I finally get settled and I think that's only happened once in adult life in my old town, when it comes to any social life, everything is put into constantly put in upheaval. There is sadness to my personality based on far too many losses.

 Writing about narcissists has to get old after awhile. It can get depressing. The narcissists seem to hold the fort no matter what you do. They all "win" in this world.  Everyone chooses them, and no deity lifts a finger to change anything. It beats people down. Even for those of us who find recovery, there's no victory only retreat.

I can understand why some want to stop thinking about it. My own writing on them slowed, because I am not around them. There's no new tales of misery to tell. You don't want to think of the "strangers" long out of your life anymore. The no contact decision can feel like another defeat. You spare yourself pain, suffering and abuse but there's empty space and loneliness to contend with. The hope of a loving family, reconciliation, and even relationship with younger members is gone. Who wants to rip at the scab anymore? There's simply nothing more to be done. At least the early days of fear are over. You have hardened up. The narcissists can rail and even threaten or play nice, you just let the phone ring and ignore it. You're gone, they had their chances long ago.

Sadly the narcissists always seem to win. I am not sure how to break that formula. You imagine strength and empowerment in the early days of no contact, but you have to find your way and own life. I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life or whatever is left of it. I know I have to work on us finding a new direction, or finding some kind of social life. We have to think of our economic survival and what plans we can pull off for better senior years.  My husband and I have continued in our protest work. We attended a new small UU fellowship that was friendly. I felt a little bit of hope about the future for once. I am hoping the winter stays more mild. We need to make some bonds off-line too and I am trying to work on this the best way, we can.

Even my own writing on the narcissists petered off. I worked on the zines and they were a look in the past too, one theme in them is the weight gain and dealing with being overweight. I took so long at the zines, they are more a picture of a couple years ago, then now, but show some of the ACON history and me walking.

This blog, I started as a personal and a blog dealing with fat issues about being 500lbs and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and later the Lipedema diagnosis came. This blog did help achieve that for me. It became an ACON blog around 2013.  I plan to keep this blog going and just write about politics, life, art and other things that occur to me and do things on a more relaxed basis. There may be still be an ACON article on occasion but it wasn't originally an ACON blog. I do miss my old ACON allies, and am thankful to them for everything they did for me, and hope they have gone on to find happier lives.


  1. I’m glad you’re going to continue writing your blog. I enjoy your articles so much! I’ve always enjoyed your ACON writings,too. They have helped me become aware of narc influences in my own life through the years.
    I haven’t commented very often but I read your blog all the time . I feel like I know you through your writing!

    1. Hey glad to hear that pegjo. :) Thanks for the things you said about my articles, I am glad they have been able to help you too. I always appreciate when you comment.

  2. I'm glad your blog is still around, Peep. I think some people moved on after they stopped seeing the main narcs in their lives and start to heal. They probably start making friends with non-narc, non-toxic people since good people start to flock them.

    There are one word of warning I want to give to you and other readers. There are covert narcs out there who pretend that they are non-narcs and empaths. Please do yourself a favor by not getting into a relationship fast. Also, please do not accept offers from people you just met. They could offer to take you out for a lunch or dinner, money, help, or connections to a job. Don't take their offers. They might be looking for something in return such as you doing something for them to meet their narc supplies.

    Do not let people know of your financial situations and troubles if you just met them. I know it is hard but you don't want a narc friend to hamstring you after they take their masks off and review their monstrous sides. If these "charming or wonderful" people turn out to be covert narcs, they could trap you and you will regret taking their largess.

    I noticed many people came back to narcs and got charmed by narcs because they are still struggling financially or are dealing with economic and financial abuses. Please do not give your "new friends" private information. Make sure you are very close to that person for a least a year or know that person intimately longer before you share information. I've seen people dropping out of ACON communities for that reasons.

    Narcs love to take legal actions against us non-narcs and bleed us dry until they find ways to hamstring you. Please stay away from other people's attorneys, social workers, and case workers. Also, look for websites that could tell you of your legal rights in your state, country and region. Stay away from narcs as much as you can so you will not deal with them legally.

    Lastly, I want to warn you that some ACON and victims of narcissistic abuses find narcs attractive. It is your decision if you want to date or marry a narc. I can't make that decision for you. There are consequences of being around with a narc because you will not get the love and closeness in your relationship. You will get hurt, depressed, and disappointed by a narc. The worst thing a narc could do is to take stepwise legal actions against you until you run out of funds and became vulnerable enough that they could force you to give in to their demands. There are attractive non-narc men and women around who could give you much better than what a narc could offer. The trick to finding them is not to rush into a relationship. If you are in a long term relationship with a person who treats you well, you will know. Make sure you read websites that could warn you against being fooled by a love bomber so you could be sure that you are not marrying a person who treats you nice before you get married and then becomes a monster after you marry that person.

    On the other hand, some people have been healing and flocking to healthier people so they are not blogging as much. Peep, please keep on doing what you have been doing recently. You should find healthy people in 2018. It sounds like they are flocking to you know. Also, make sure you don't give information too soon and take instant friendships with charming people. Have a great holiday season!

    1. Thanks anon, it feels weird with everyone vanishing. I know activities even like blogging wax and wane. I plan to keep the blog going. Well hopefully will get the first zine up soon, we are both sick [me again]

      I think some people did move on and heal. This is probably done easier, if someone is not disabled and has a near normal work, economic and social life. I still am trying to figure that out. Everytime I try to get ahead, I get out for a few seconds and some illness and weather messes me up or housebounds me, it's not conducive to "getting a life" or a "social life". So if I am floundering on that I have tried. I am still continuing with activities as health allows and went to a protest last night even though I was on there a short time due to cold. If husband is well enough, we will go to our fellowship and if not or it's too cold Ill be there the next time I can make it. We are enjoying each other's company and that part of life is good.

      Yeah they probably have been able to build up new friendship circles, I have them online but not IRL. These things take time.

      Yeah we have to be careful of covert narcs now that we got away from main narcs. If people can tell you want friends or have only a few, that can make you a target. Many do pretend to be empaths. Some will even share problems with you and you may think this is an equal relationship and they are "opening their heart" or going into deep conversation but be careful.

      Yeah take things slow. I know I have learned to hide some things about myself when socializing especially the economic realities, which can end things for me before they even have started. People are afraid of poor people that they will end up on their doorsteps or have their hands out. We have kept our rent paid and other bills, but that can be the mentality out there. Some real online and offline friends may help with things or meals out, but proceed with caution.

      Yes economic problems can make one more desperate. Some people are in worse shape having to go to narcs to not be in the streets. Life is a nightmare when you are desperate and more prone to narcs. Homeless shelters will tell you they are full. I don't take this stuff for granted as you know. Our rent is paid and basic bills, no having to turn to narcs for survival. That is tough business when people are in that position. I agree about private information.

      I do think a lot of ACONs have their blogs found and they get stalked and have the outrage of relatives, to deal with and they get tracked. I used to think this one had been found but now I don't think so. That's fine with me that it has not been. A lot of people with normal families and rigid outlooks see this as "airing dirty laundry" and not honoring "mother and father". Some people with giant smear campaigns have had others put pressure on them to shut down their blogs.

      I know I won't write about ACON as much, I am spending more time on art, activism/politics and the rest. I guess my zines will be like a culimination, I do plan to do more comics, I did about other parts of life.

      Yeah many have dealt with narcs hamstringing them. In my case, I have the good fortune to live 75-80 miles from all familial narcs and most are even further then that. Some got them down the street. Yes it is good to know one's legal rights.

      Good warnings regarding relationships, one terrible thing of being an ACON, some do end up in very bad relationship. Yes I hope some have been healing and their lives improve. I am actually being aware of "charming" as being a red flag, or being on the outlook for it anyhow. have good holidays yourself too.

  3. Please keep writing and making art! It's ok if a blog changes over time!