Friday, December 8, 2017
This wasn't originally an ACON blog
I've had several ACON allies leave the internet lately. It's kind of hard since this was an online community important to me. My Aspie self never gets used to these kind of changes. That's one aspect of my personality many don't understand. Change always seems to bring loss and never additions. I know normal people "move on" and who am I to judge? It feels lonely though. My blog still survives, but I have nightmares that I will be the last one still blogging against narcisissm. Maybe the narcissists won and silenced everyone.
This isn't easy to do. Even when I was finishing the zines, some of it had to do with the family, and that was hard, because I was drawing things from a few years ago, I try not to think of the family everyday now. It's too painful. It didn't work out. There was no fixing any of it no matter what I did or didn't do. When I went no contact, maybe I didn't expect changes of the main narcissists but I didn't realize the price would be the whole family. Some of ACON allies have healed and moved on, that makes sense, but I feel a loss in having several people I once corresponded with, having left these corners of the Internet.
One online blogger and ACON ally disappeared 10-12 months ago, she just vaporized and stopped blogging, I always wonder what happened to her? I even worried she may have died and we had no way to find out. For those of us who have the Internet as our main social life, outside of a marriage, there can be some drawbacks to this. We want in real life friends and people who care about us too in day to day lives. Internet interactions while there can be some deep sharing, and support, they can peter out. It's hard. How do you say you miss people you only talked to online? I have some close online friends where there is phone and other contact, but it's hard, there's always that far away feeling. I told someone regarding the lack of a day to day social life that I hate always being stuck in having to sell myself. I wish I could just be somewhere in life where people knew me, and I knew them and the selling stage was long over. Every time I finally get settled and I think that's only happened once in adult life in my old town, when it comes to any social life, everything is put into constantly put in upheaval. There is sadness to my personality based on far too many losses.
Writing about narcissists has to get old after awhile. It can get depressing. The narcissists seem to hold the fort no matter what you do. They all "win" in this world. Everyone chooses them, and no deity lifts a finger to change anything. It beats people down. Even for those of us who find recovery, there's no victory only retreat.
I can understand why some want to stop thinking about it. My own writing on them slowed, because I am not around them. There's no new tales of misery to tell. You don't want to think of the "strangers" long out of your life anymore. The no contact decision can feel like another defeat. You spare yourself pain, suffering and abuse but there's empty space and loneliness to contend with. The hope of a loving family, reconciliation, and even relationship with younger members is gone. Who wants to rip at the scab anymore? There's simply nothing more to be done. At least the early days of fear are over. You have hardened up. The narcissists can rail and even threaten or play nice, you just let the phone ring and ignore it. You're gone, they had their chances long ago.
Sadly the narcissists always seem to win. I am not sure how to break that formula. You imagine strength and empowerment in the early days of no contact, but you have to find your way and own life. I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life or whatever is left of it. I know I have to work on us finding a new direction, or finding some kind of social life. We have to think of our economic survival and what plans we can pull off for better senior years. My husband and I have continued in our protest work. We attended a new small UU fellowship that was friendly. I felt a little bit of hope about the future for once. I am hoping the winter stays more mild. We need to make some bonds off-line too and I am trying to work on this the best way, we can.
Even my own writing on the narcissists petered off. I worked on the zines and they were a look in the past too, one theme in them is the weight gain and dealing with being overweight. I took so long at the zines, they are more a picture of a couple years ago, then now, but show some of the ACON history and me walking.
This blog, I started as a personal and a blog dealing with fat issues about being 500lbs and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and later the Lipedema diagnosis came. This blog did help achieve that for me. It became an ACON blog around 2013. I plan to keep this blog going and just write about politics, life, art and other things that occur to me and do things on a more relaxed basis. There may be still be an ACON article on occasion but it wasn't originally an ACON blog. I do miss my old ACON allies, and am thankful to them for everything they did for me, and hope they have gone on to find happier lives.