Wednesday, July 30, 2014

How Lippy Life Differs From Normal Fat Life

I am referring to people with lipedema as lippys. This article applies to those in the more severe stages III and IV. Yes meeting other people like me online was a relief weighed with emotion. I finally met people who LOOKED like me body wise. That never had happened before. 

1. Diets don't work on lippys. Of course you want to get as much "fat" weight off as possible but hundreds of pounds of us are fluids in serious cases. The Fat cells are even altered themselves.

2. When a lippy sits up, their bottom half fills with fluids. The lymphatic system is severely affected.  In my case there is a two hour time limit on sitting up as well as a danger of pressure sores which in my case are aggravated by the condition.  This means my legs [unwrapped but they are always wrapped or compressed now] and lower stomach grows VISIBLY. This was remarked on in my medical records when an at home physical therapist noticed this process especially during exercise.

3. Your legs hurt all the time. Many doctors tell you it is because you are fat and have too much weight on you but it goes beyond that. The more you walk, the more they hurt, the more you swell. Which by the way is something alone that can push a lipedemic into more inactivity. Being a severe lipedema means feeling pain somewhere each and every day. I'm a person that can tune out pain, remember I'm the woman who toughed out kidney stones at home, but that has limits, it takes a toll. There are days where I am far more inactive not out of being "lazy" but just to ease pain.

4. Your mobility is affected. Many severe lippy's do need wheelchairs, walkers or canes and other mobility devices. The weight distribution and if you have lipo-lymphedema which puts even more weight on you via the comorbidity of lymphedema coming to join the lipedema party, means it is harder to walk. Before my legs were compressed, I did have serious worries about my more severe leg destroying my mobility. One thing we need to watch too is making sure my thighs do not grow.

5. Lippy's have the ultimate "pear" shape, which means usually thinner on top. If the right picture is taken, I can be cut off at the waist and look like a much thinner person. Even before I had my weight gain, the hips and butt area were far far larger then my waist. When I lose any weight it goes off my face and neck area first. In fact in photographs depending on my level of fluids, I have a far thinner face some days then others.

6. Lippy's often have severe food allergies. Lippys get sick from beef and a variety of other foods. I have a problem digesting meat and have to be very careful even eating a steak.

7. Lippy's often are hypothyroid, or have other hormonal problems such as PCOS.

8. Lippy's often know by a young age that they are "different" and their bodies and legs do not look the same. Often lipedema comes on in puberty but some women it is later in life with menopause.

9. Severe weight gains like I had with the 400lb weight gain, are not unknown in lipedemics.

10. Lipedema is genetic.

11. Lippy's often have lipomas and hard and other nodules of fat.

If I had money....

22 Facts That Prove That The Bottom 90% Of America Is Systematically Getting Poorer

1. I would save a huge chunk of it.

2. I would get this rotten carpet ripped out and replaced with laminate or something better.

3. I would hire a painter to paint my apartment [it's been 8 years] and buy good used furniture.

4. I would buy a few more dresses.

5. I would go get a haircut and style and some weaves put in--my hair is too thin.

6. I would give some to charity, and my church.

7. I would help this one friend out.

8. I would get car repaired and maintained better beyond the three month oil changes, I would buy another car.

9. I would buy more organic food.

10. I would go some vacations within my state that were reasonable for my health to do. I would go on some day trips.

11. I would go to a stamp conference.

12. I would go to a lipedema conference.

13. I would get my scooter fixed and a new battery put in.

14. I would hire a cleaner to deep clean this place. It needs it. I am cleaning what I can.

15. I would self publish a book

16. I would pay off the tax man in total.

I'm worrying about money again.  At least now there is some food in here and all the basic bills were paid this month.  I have had times that are far far worse. When that happens you fear even losing what you have?

The worse thing about being poor or income challenged? The lost opportunities. Sometimes when the years go by, and more things I wanted to do, like travel to see a friend, or getting other things done it gets tough. Sometimes you think to yourself there should be more to life then just paying for a box to live in and feeding yourself.  Being poor you can't afford to go see anyone.  You want to do more for others. You don't want to drive people crazy feeling sorry for yourself.

Sitting at a self-help group last night, I almost wanted to burst into tears hearing the people talk about visiting their myriad of relatives and vacations and activities. Maybe health wise I couldn't keep up, but you know maybe I want to make a few good memories too. My regrets are getting kind of high.

My last vacation, you know where you go somewhere, and see sights and rent a hotel room and visit people for a week was 2004.

My last day trip was 2011. 

I know there are people worse off then me. Compared to the homeless and others, life isn't that bad.  Recently I am even worrying about our car dying and not being able to replace it. Being without a car sucks for a thin healthy person, for someone like me with poor mobility it is a nightmare, and I lived that way 6 years. I can cry even thinking about it. This means there was no just going out and doing things--during my non-housebound times. No sitting in the park. Not being able to go to church. I'm praying for the car to only need a minor repair not a major.

Sometimes I think I would have been happier in a poorer society where I would not be so set apart for being of such a low economic class. I would have fit in. The expectations would not be that my life looks like the people on TV. America has so many people who feel the way I do, and we are invisible out there.

Living in a town where everyone lives middle class or above, it gets very lonely at times. Most don't relate to your lifestyle or your problems. I am tired of worrying. I need some fun. I need some stability. I need to feel like a human being. The ground hog day life of worrying about bills, and having to go to community charity dinners to get food to spread it out for the week is getting old. I know being disabled does not make you rich. In many countries I would have been left in the gutters, at least in America the disabled aren't thrown into the streets.

 Poverty can haunt a person for life. The dumpster diving, going without medicine, the sleeping on rotten mattresses from the trash, being jumped waiting at bus stops are memories that never left my brain. As my life stands now, I am OKAY with it, it is the loss of the car that worries me, the loss of quality of life. I said to husband, "I can't go back to where things were before."  I am so tired of the shame, disappointment and worry. Even when a little bit is saved, his work gets cut back, or some other emergency takes it away.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Aspie Quiet Rebels

from "the girl with curly hair"--Facebook.

Telling people "rulers make the rules" may get me in trouble. One thing is I never was able to conform in the way some folks wanted. Aspergers does not disappear with age either. Some folks seem to adapt better then others. One thing about NT life to me is how the expectations are so narrow. It drives me mad at times. I and husband who definitely has Aspie leanings or is one himself,  make jokes, about "warehouse people". This means people they roll out from a warehouse that all dress and look alike. Hey it gets tough always being "the weird" one.

Yes being quiet can be part of this. I seem to waver between talkative times and not wanting to say anything. It is strange. It kind of surprises people, but there are many times where I am quietly observing, and thinking "Those people are insane." One thing about Aspies is many NTs assume they are out of touch and don't know what is going on.

More Stamps For Me!

Fat Shaming Facebook Page

530 Fatties Fat Page Taken Down

Fat Shaming Facebook Page

I had my picture stolen on Facebook before and used on a page where they mocked me for being fat. Old age helps some of the fat shaming ebb down because no one expects the grey-haired and walker set to be "sexy" except for the narcissistic Baby-Boomers who seem to write too much of our advertising.  The people didn't like a political stance I took so this was their "revenge". If you take the picture down from Facebook, it erases the post, so that is a hint for the people this happens to. Fat hatred is probably growing worse, especially as society divides between thinner "haves" and fatter "have-nots". Of course thin people who have bodies that burn off food, going after fat people for not looking the way they want them to have some serious problems.

Another Lippy

This is a lipoedema campaign from another country, I am thinking Germany. This lady is stage 3 [I am stage 4} She is facing mobility concerns like me using a walker for her mobility.

Dr. Herbst on Lipedema

The other parts of the video can be found to the right at Youtube.

Do You Really Miss Me?

More Hoovering. It's pretty noncommittal written on a card. I guess I am surprised by it a bit. She didn't "miss" me during all those times she drove within a mile of my house while visiting other people. I sometimes wonder if these cards are written in front of her husband, so he thinks that she "cares".

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Escaping Flying Monkeys and Finding "Found Families"

My emotions towards those who have been on the side lines has changed. I still have contact with my brother, some cousins and their families but sometimes I ask myself, "Why didn't anyone ever stick up for me?" The cowardice bothers me. They allowed her to just take an eraser to me. Remember I went NC not just with the Queen Spider and her Mini-Me but 85% of the family, these are the 15% or so I kept some limited contact with. I have not seen any relatives save for one cousin I saw this year in 5-8 years and the visits to my narcissistic mother's house before I went no contact.

 I know people have their own lives, but I have realized even with these "nice" side relatives, I am not very close to them. My brother knows me the most but with the years that has ebbed away. With my brother I will give him this, he did defend me a few times when my mother and grandmother went after me viciously about my weight. However I know he is going to stay in contact with her and be visiting, and sending flowers on Mother's Day. Those are his choices, I am not going to tell anyone what to do or not do, and he isn't telling me what to do either, as the boundaries we established to be in contact ourselves but it makes me have certain emotions I am dealing with.

I also must not forget that just last year, she told him not to visit me, that it would "take too much time" even though he drove up to my state and was only 45 minutes away instead of 8 hours and he obeyed and at that point I had not seen him in 5 years.

 My narcissistic mother always had to be the center of attention. One niece is writing me emails, but I can tell she is afraid of them being read, so even there the relationship will be affected. With older family members, I am removing myself emotionally from seeking closer relationships with these "'nicer" members. For years I attempted it, and well it's time to focus life on more rewarding activities.

 Outside of one cousin who visits me every 10 years, none had ever made a move to visit me. I even thought to myself  some time ago "Maybe I should get on a bus to see some of them and travel, but 16 hours on a bus means a possible hospital visit to me, it's not going to happen." This many years disabled and sick, I did become forgotten about and my narcissist mother was able to use this to her advantage.

I was watching some Ollie Matthews videos, and in one,  he said, to avoid those who are still in contact with your narcissists. I can see why he warns about that. For me this is the entire family. Years ago in my early 20s, when I was around some of my aunts, uncles and cousins, and driving down to visit them, some would tell me, they knew something was wrong with my mother and that they agreed with me. I told a few about specific things she had done, and they reacted with outrage.

As a child, I told a few of the adults about my abuse and even asked to live with a couple and was ignored and pushed away. One aunt on my father's side, heard about some pretty serious abuses when I was in my teens and visiting her trailer. She was abused herself by my father. He trashed her even for leaving a physically abusive husband.

They would tell me, "Yes something is seriously wrong with your mother.", and then make some complaints of their own about her ripping them off, or lying and saying nasty things to them.

But what does this really mean if it's only voiced in backrooms? And as time went by that even disappeared as her smear campaigns and manipulations grew more cunning.

 Even these she won over to her side or fully conquered. Aunt Scapegoat was one of them by the way. She would tell me around the age of 20, that my mother was mean, and heartless. Today Aunt Scapegoat would sooner rip off her right arm then speak out against my mother. During my last visits to my mothers house when Aunt Scapegoat had come up for a visit, she would literally almost run from the room when she saw me coming to talk to her. I had memories too of Aunt Denial doing this too. This never occurred to me until recently. Some of you may be surprised like "why didn't you notice?" but remember these people actually smiled a few times at me in comparison to my mother's sour faces.

I realized while feeling my freedom and happiness in no contact, that I felt bad talking to even some of the "nice" relatives, there is this feeling of betrayal with the ones who are old enough that undergrids each and every one of the relationships. There was betrayal. They sat silently by for the most part. They made excuses for my mother. They told me she still cared due to her present giving. They told me that I was the trouble maker, should make peace and be more accepting. They all threw me under the bus in a group family email where I told her she could not censor our speech as adults. Even for the ones cared about, I found myself on edge with the very few I talk to. Inside I felt like crying every time I even talked to one who was not mean or anything on the phone. It was hard to explain, but those emotions have a reason to exist. In other words, my expectations are low because these people never had my back.

I found myself thinking, "Should I even put effort into these relationships?" and the answer is No. They feel so dead end to me. I suppose my feelings of betrayal lie underneath that feeling. No one ever stood up for me. They always obeyed my mother. They always defended my sister at her behest. They sat silent as my mother and the other narcissists insulted me.

 I do feel utter hopelessness and feel bad around people from my family even the one's who are not overtly against me and who are "nice". Maybe because I know they will be visiting my narcissistic mother, smiling at her, and trying to please her? Maybe because I know if push comes to shove, who will they choose? Maybe because I know my name will never be mentioned at any family gathering ever again and not one will dare to rock the boat?

My brother told me a couple months ago, my mother never mentioned me once, nor that I had left. The rest support my erasure then by complicity. I wish I had asked him, "Well why didn't you bring me up?" I am tired though of asking anything of them anymore. Just like the narcissists on a lower level, if one is disappointed enough, you walk away. Outside of him with some of them, there were far too many unanswered emails and phone calls. I knew I was rendered voiceless in the fact many did not want to get in the middle. If people always choose against you and do the bidding of your narcissists why would you want to be close to them? The trust is not there.

 I relate to what Gail Meyers wrote here:

"I spent years of my life trying to show various flying monkeys the truth. It virtually never worked, not once in the twenty or so years I kept trying to "clear the air" or to finally be understood. They do not understand because they do not want to understand. Many are willfully ignorant and blind to the situation.  There is not some magical phrase and method you have not yet discovered that is suddenly going to cause these people to stand up for the truth.

What I have realized is the flying monkeys generally have their own reasons for behaving the way they do. Some may truly do it out of ignorance, truly fooled for years by the narcissist. However, it is my experience that most flying monkeys have weak characters.

They may know the truth, but lack the backbone to stand up for what is right. They may themselves fear becoming a target of the narcissist. They may have been a target of the narcissist in the past. They may have been taught to get along with everyone regardless. They may also be a narcissist themselves or hiding their own troubling behavior"

With some I am okay being a facebook friend, an "acquaintance" from long ago. I don't need to be NC, but I am not investing myself anymore. It is what it is. Saying hello just like someone does with people they went to high school with, almost a reunion sort of thing but I know my expectations are gone with the flying monkeys and other family members. I do not expect close relationships. That boat has left the dock. I don't want to expend the energy anymore to put it simply.

I suppose I consider some of these folks the "nice", "don't know what is going on" bystanders. Them I can excuse to a point for a little bit of distance, or being more extended relatives. One cousin, told me he remembered all the screaming and yelling of my family and it freaked him out. With these relatives contact was only intermittent. However with some of the others, like my brother and closer ones right in there, there is no such excuse. They saw a lot of went on. I told them many things too.

                                           [picture source]

I am meeting nice people in various places, churches, groups etc,  I am developing a new church family right now which is brightening up my life. These folks treat me well and with kindness just like my old church family. I feel good around these folks not how I feel around my family. To survive my abuse, I always sought "found families" and close friends in my communities.  I am finally facing the fact there is a void there with my family of orgin, and coming to a place of acceptance. The biological family I wanted and desired is not to be. Unless I find the would be family that put me up for adoption and because I could not have a family of my own, the best path in life is to put my energies into mutual loving relationships such as my marriage, friendships and my "found families". This is the path I have taken since my first no contact. This is also why some losses were so hard. I told one good friend this the other day, this is why I took the loss of my last community so hard.

My found families have helped me, been there for me and been people I have been able to share myself with and who have loved and given me acceptance. People that were positive and loving. One thing about my life years ago was entering the world, I did not want to succumb to the despair inherited from the narcissists. Maybe they would mutter everyone was on the take or sucked or just like them but I did find people who did care, and who had empathy and love for other people. This ranged from my earlier church family to my close friend "Pam" now deceased who offered me a lifeline. We even used to joke that she was my "real Mom" and in my late 20s and 30s, it was good to have an older friend as a mentor.

The world does have nice people in it. I have seen people so brokenhearted by the abusive and cruel, they come to doubt this, and not believe it but I have been blessed in finding good people in life. I also was given an alternative to the life displayed to me by my family. People with good moral codes, faith, kindness. We want people around us who we see as a good influence. Even the Bible states "Bad company corrupts good morals" and with narcissists this is absolute truth. They can infect a whole group of people. Narc "cults" families are infected.

I am realizing I am even losing memories, no one to talk about memories with save for a few with my brother. However even with him, his denials and rosy-eyed view of my mother, grates beyond belief. I told him a few things he listened to but in the back of mind wondered if I was believed? One time he told me, "She has bought presents for my children, she cares about us". One thing to look at with people is actions. Who is he visiting? I realized that the fact of the matter was, my probability of seeing any of these relatives in person ever again, was probably pretty low. It can be painful to care about or love someone knowing that they have pushed you away to please narcissists. However they have made their choice, and you can't control it. One thing when a person gets hurt enough and you pay attention to your own needs finally, you learn to protect yourself.

ACONs need to protect themselves from the silent bystanders, and others, of the dysfunctional family system. One thing, if you feel upset when you talk to someone pay attention to the emotions behind it. Don't ignore what your gut is telling you. We do have reasons to be upset with those who never stood up to the narcissist for us or even just minimally. It is a betrayal of sorts. We need to seek positive people who will care about us and who will back us up. They are out there. Find new "families".

How Much Severe Obesity is Actually "Swollen With Fluids"?

 old painting done by me sometime in mid 90s

Yesterday I laid down in bed many hours. Sometimes I will do this. Why? This doesn't mean I never get up, taking pills, making meals, cleaning stuff, answering the phone still has to be done but when I lay in bed, I will sometimes pee hour on the hour. It takes the fluids down, and with that the pain. For years, laying down for hours a day was mandatory to control swelling and water. Yes I worry about my activity levels too.

Hopefully the Flexitouch System folks will show up at my door very soon, here is me laying down, with my less severe leg encased in a demonstration model. I am praying it is approved. When I got measured, and had it on my worse leg, it took three inches off my calf in just 20 minutes. That is on a leg that had been reduced down by quite a lot already.

 I look forward to having more fluids taken off. There are days I am lighter, and ones where I am heavier now. Things will happen to me where sitting in scooters, my stomach won't touch the front of it and will be 4-5 inches away, and on a swollen day, that space just does not exist. Even my hands will go from plump mittens to being thinner and with loose skin on less swollen up days. On "lighter" days walking is far easier.

My legs did shrink from all the compression therapy. Both legs were swollen up, even the "thinnest" one. My worse leg is far smaller then it used to be. During this time when the picture was taken, infections were constant.

Sorry for husband's knee blocking my foot in the picture with the red dress. That leg has been reduced even more believe it or not as well as the thin one. I will have to keep my legs wrapped for the rest of my life.

But over the months since my lipedema diagnosis, I have been pondering what about other severely fat people? How many people are like me, where they are a lipedema or lipo-lymphedema case? How many women have died even, being told as it was ALL THEIR FAULT while being handed diets that don't work?

When I look at videos of other super fat women. I wonder how many could fall into my category? How many are swollen with fluids? How many are untreated lipedemics? This is not something doctors are looking for. If anything even if doctors admit you have lymphedema, and they did with me as early as 1999 with my worse leg--actually my lymphedema was all over, it is one of those most undertreated conditions if you are overweight.  They don't have you get compression therapy. They tell you things like you will swell up less if you "lose weight". And in this they do people a great disservice.

I see super-obese people all over where it looks like they may have a condition like mine. Yes some do not fit and have "thin" legs and their fat distribution is far different but people like me are out there.

How many of the super over the edge fat people actually have lymphatic disorders that have caused their bodies to swell beyond the pale? It's far more then what is admitted.

More research needs to be done on obesity. Too many are being hurt even by other conditions where the diet industry formulas hold sway.

Monday, July 21, 2014

"I Feel So Different"

This was another favorite Sinead O'Connor song. I am sure she wrote this song for a bad relationship. But I listen to it and apply to being No Contact from abusers and walking on into life seeking good people. A year in, and I can tell I feel "different" already. When you walk out of the mess and walk into freedom, the doors open up. I still have fear from the economic pressures but life becomes a visa of possibilities and some happiness, with the weight of oppressors removed.

Food Diaries and Nutritionist

My nutritionist gave me the adult version of this plate. Half of our plates are supposed to be vegetables. I kept a three week long food diary. My calories per day ranged from 1560-2300. The average was 1800-2000.

In a three week period, the "bad foods" I ate was 10 small onion rings--on July 4th with a grilled chicken sandwich from a restaurant, a piece of blueberry pie at a church potluck and 1 chocolate chip cookie from a box of them my husband bought.

Good meals included quinoa patties, veggie patties, almond milk, peaches, tomatoes, green beans,  a bucket of frozen broccoli and oriental vegetables cooked, one seaweed package, multiple salads, grilled chicken and a few bananas.

 I learned to avoid a certain mainstream corporate restaurant like the plague. MSG? Even in grilled chicken, rice and broccoli? I still have some bad habits to tighten down. I shouldn't have eaten the sweets. I like to eat half turkey sandwiches.

A lot of my food is lighter "lunch" fare. Many things have too many calories in them like 1 packet of fancy ramen noodles from an Asian grocery store having 500 calories. Watermelon seems to ease my digestive system and has only 50 calories a cup.

However I am too damn hungry all the time. It worries me.  It's 11:20 and I ate two piece of toast with vegan butter and a cup of scrambled tofu with some green onions and green peppers at 8:00 am and I already have hunger pain going like gangbusters. Why does the body want food constantly? Why can't it leave me alone?

I learned to delay lunch to stretch things out. The nutritionist wants me to eat every 4 hours. The food insecurity stuff makes eating healthy hard. I'm out of lettuce today which is irritating me because I need to fill up half my plate with veggies. I need more low calorie vegetable dish ideas.

One doctor wants me to eat 1200 a day. I don't see it happening but I have to get things lower then what they are. I may tell the nutritionist I am going to attempt 1800 a day as a baselevel to stick to.

  I took a walk almost everyday, not sure what to do know since heat is back but did stretchy bands last night. Well food is complicated. Hopefully the increase in vegetables will help me. Even with the lipedema diagnosis, I still have to make sure I do not gain weight and get off what I can. Hopefully with a Flexitouch machine coming soon, I will lose more water weight.

I have slept less on the increase in thyroid, no more 12-13 hour sleep marathons. I can feel a change already.

Bill of Rights Decimated

The Brick Wall Technique

Yes this one summed things up for me. My narcissistic mother would write or screech, "You're so angry!", as if my feelings arose out of a vacuum even the flying monkeys would say, "We are so sorry you feel that way!" putting the onus on me for daring be sad or upset. This is why nothing will be is solved or worked out with narcissists, they have no remorse and they do not care how they affect other's feelings. Their mode is to discount, ignore and invalidate your feelings. They will play the game of telling you that you are "crazy" to feel the way that you do, since they are so assured of their own perfection it's beyond disgusting. There is relief for me in seeing through this game. I realize what was done to me and that is empowering. People who discount your feelings reject who you are and should be avoided.

People Will Stare

Give them something to look at. :)

Monday, July 7, 2014

Narcissists Keep Secrets

Narcissists keep secrets. Directness is not one of their qualities. Secretiveness helps manipulate people who are kept in the dark. With the narcissist telling endless lies and playing a mad circus director, of course they are going to keep secrets. Their lives are compartmentalized and no one is allowed in to the deep dark cave that is their mind with it's endless locked boxes and rotten piles of muck. Keeping you and as many others in possible in the dark, keeps them in control. The less they tell the safer they feel.

 Ever wonder why narcissists only open their mouths about trivialities? Ever wonder when you try to talk to one there is no substance. To the soul-less there is no self-examination or pondering, there is only waiting for your next prey to come into your view.  Narcissists will make a grandiose show of bringing their favorites into their confidence while leaving the scapegoats out in the cold. This is one way they manipulate people to carry out their whims.

When I was a teen, there were times my father would zone out, totally. You'd say his name over and over and get no response. My mother took over the driving, we thought because he was "tired". Imagine there you are a teen, and you look at your father who sits there blank-eyed and not responding for entire minutes. And then later he snaps to it, and starts talking to you. Inside the confusion is extreme. Is he on drugs? Is he ignoring me on purpose? I never got any answers.

I had very little medical knowledge, now advance 25 years later, when I order his medical records to try and find out what is wrong with me after my 400lb weight gain and in his records are information about the continuing problem of his seizures in the 1980s. Why was this kept secret from us?

One day my father told me my mother had a heart attack at work, it could have been two weeks earlier or a month later. I remember her that day acting normal, coming home a bit late and not saying anything. She never told any of us. After all being sick means appearing "weak" and to her you couldn't have that.

My mother never told me anything. She never opened her mouth about anything important. It was "Clean this!", "You are a slob!", "When are you going to lose weight?". Fifty percent of the words spoken to me had to do with cleaning, the other fifty percent was various criticisms. There was no shared emotions, feelings, or even opinions about current events or other people. With others she would bond insulting her various scapegoats and endless work enemies. She never shared any memories of childhood. She never had a nostalgic moment. What mattered was only the here and now. Imagine you know this person for 40 plus years, and they have shared nothing of their childhood memories with you. Can you imagine that? It was very lonely.

I found out the family was in severe debt being a snooping 14 year old and finding papers that made it clear. No one told me though the screaming matches between my mother and father over every little expense was a slight clue.  There was no asking direct questions in my dysfunctional household. There was no rational adult in the house who could sit down with me and explain what was really going on. This just upped the fear equation.

Then there was the time she wanted to force her secret-keeping on those we knew about. "Don't tell your father I bought this", "Don't tell your brother, your father said this.", "Don't tell your grandmother about your brother's divorce!" and so forth and so on. Triangulation usually requires a lot of secrets. Narcissists who wish to triangulate and turn two parties against each other, will be telling lies to stir the pot, they want the two other parties to think that each other is lying and not the narcissist. In this way they basically bomb the relationships around them. No one can share or "get real" in an atmosphere like this. Even now, trying to get any relatives to open up to me, even the few nice ones I have contact with, appears near impossible.

These are some of the secrets that were more innocent, there were plenty more and a lot worse ones. I have caught my mother in so many cover-ups and lies that it is absolutely sickening.  If I dared to write a few here it would floor you. She lied about others, she lied about the facts, she lied about what happened.  People can only hide so much from young people.  I knew they took pills. I knew about other adult things that they thought I'd never figure out.  A few present flying monkeys before they sold their souls to her, still told me a few things back in my early 20s. Her focus on calling me a liar during our last conversations, was just your classic case of projection.

Now I don't expect parents to tell children every single thing going on in their lives, there are things that children can't handle, or are adult territory, but I often wondered what affect this had on me growing up, where I could not trust anything I was told. Where there was no one around to ask questions of. I took my intellectual curiosity to the world of books.

There is no trust in the land of narcissists. I never could talk to my father or mother about anything. My father kept secrets too usually on behalf of my mother. You also had to know everything he found out he would report to the Queen Spider.  She would tell him not to tell me anything.  She was the wall in the way of any real relationship.

 Everyone has secrets, it is normal for humans to have a few and drawn out boundaries. We may tell certain people things about our lives and not others depending on how close we are to them but when everything is secret, that's a problem. When people keep life locked up in little boxes for sick power trips that's a problem too.

I realize being no contact, my mother was essentially a stranger, my father too. When you are the throwaway to a family, no one is filling you in on what is going on. There is no "sharing". Narcissists live in the land of lies and secrets. They claim their secrets for their own power.  If you are truth-teller or someone wanting to know the truth, they will hate you. I definitely was hated. She saw me as a challenge in that I could tell when I was being lied to. 

The Hypocrisy of Some Fat Activists

This lady shares some of my opinions about parts of the fat acceptance community. She says they are very militant which I agree with. She is right about their intolerance of those who waver in the fat acceptance ideology. Of course this is written about on this blog all over. I encountered some of the harshness for having alternative viewpoints. I am glad she is truthful about those of us who do not like being fat or where fat is the result of health problem and those exploring their options. With weight loss surgery, I don't like it either but understand why some decide to make that choice. Fat is painful. Too many in size acceptance push delusion. She is right about the hypocrisy and about the fact some of the strident fat activists want to censor people so much.

Seeing Through The Obesity Lies

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Narcissist's Are Animals Who Turn On Their Young

Ollie is right about the people who cannot conceptualize parents who reject and abuse their own children. I had to face facts outside of the closest people to me, very few were going to understand the story of my family. He is right about the narcissist hiding in plain sight. He is also right about the narcissists seeing that person as a threat just as animals go against a threat they perceive. Some may ask how were you a threat to your parents? That doesn't make sense. I am sick and fat but by a young age, they were angry I was so smart, they also were angry that I saw right through them. They don't seek to destroy the ones who will never challenge them. Yes the longer you are no contact, more memories will come up.  Being removed from the situation does give you fresh eyes. For me admitting how bad it was, is part of this journey. So for me this video was very interesting.

Lipedema's Overlap With Other Conditions and Fatty Tumors

With Dercum's, years ago in 2000, I had a doctor concerned about my multiple fatty tumors to the point he sent me to a surgeon. They are all over my body, some are harder and a few hurt if I press on them. There is even lumps in odd places like my right arm and above my knee. The surgeon said, we just needed to watch them and make sure none would grow and get in the way. So at the time I dropped things. Lipedema folks are supposed to have some fatty tumors, but there is huge overlap with Dercum's. For years I always wondered why I had lumps all over my body.