1. I would save a huge chunk of it.
2. I would get this rotten carpet ripped out and replaced with laminate or something better.
3. I would hire a painter to paint my apartment [it's been 8 years] and buy good used furniture.
4. I would buy a few more dresses.
5. I would go get a haircut and style and some weaves put in--my hair is too thin.
6. I would give some to charity, and my church.
7. I would help this one friend out.
8. I would get car repaired and maintained better beyond the three month oil changes, I would buy another car.
9. I would buy more organic food.
10. I would go some vacations within my state that were reasonable for my health to do. I would go on some day trips.
11. I would go to a stamp conference.
12. I would go to a lipedema conference.
13. I would get my scooter fixed and a new battery put in.
14. I would hire a cleaner to deep clean this place. It needs it. I am cleaning what I can.
15. I would self publish a book
16. I would pay off the tax man in total.
I'm worrying about money again. At least now there is some food in here and all the basic bills were paid this month. I have had times that are far far worse. When that happens you fear even losing what you have?
The worse thing about being poor or income challenged? The lost opportunities. Sometimes when the years go by, and more things I wanted to do, like travel to see a friend, or getting other things done it gets tough. Sometimes you think to yourself there should be more to life then just paying for a box to live in and feeding yourself. Being poor you can't afford to go see anyone. You want to do more for others. You don't want to drive people crazy feeling sorry for yourself.
Sitting at a self-help group last night, I almost wanted to burst into tears hearing the people talk about visiting their myriad of relatives and vacations and activities. Maybe health wise I couldn't keep up, but you know maybe I want to make a few good memories too. My regrets are getting kind of high.
My last vacation, you know where you go somewhere, and see sights and rent a hotel room and visit people for a week was 2004.
My last day trip was 2011.
I know there are people worse off then me. Compared to the homeless and others, life isn't that bad. Recently I am even worrying about our car dying and not being able to replace it. Being without a car sucks for a thin healthy person, for someone like me with poor mobility it is a nightmare, and I lived that way 6 years. I can cry even thinking about it. This means there was no just going out and doing things--during my non-housebound times. No sitting in the park. Not being able to go to church. I'm praying for the car to only need a minor repair not a major.
Sometimes I think I would have been happier in a poorer society where I would not be so set apart for being of such a low economic class. I would have fit in. The expectations would not be that my life looks like the people on TV. America has so many people who feel the way I do, and we are invisible out there.
Living in a town where everyone lives middle class or above, it gets very lonely at times. Most don't relate to your lifestyle or your problems. I am tired of worrying. I need some fun. I need some stability. I need to feel like a human being. The ground hog day life of worrying about bills, and having to go to community charity dinners to get food to spread it out for the week is getting old. I know being disabled does not make you rich. In many countries I would have been left in the gutters, at least in America the disabled aren't thrown into the streets.
Poverty can haunt a person for life. The dumpster diving, going without medicine, the sleeping on rotten mattresses from the trash, being jumped waiting at bus stops are memories that never left my brain. As my life stands now, I am OKAY with it, it is the loss of the car that worries me, the loss of quality of life. I said to husband, "I can't go back to where things were before." I am so tired of the shame, disappointment and worry. Even when a little bit is saved, his work gets cut back, or some other emergency takes it away.