Wednesday, July 30, 2014

If I had money....

22 Facts That Prove That The Bottom 90% Of America Is Systematically Getting Poorer

1. I would save a huge chunk of it.

2. I would get this rotten carpet ripped out and replaced with laminate or something better.

3. I would hire a painter to paint my apartment [it's been 8 years] and buy good used furniture.

4. I would buy a few more dresses.

5. I would go get a haircut and style and some weaves put in--my hair is too thin.

6. I would give some to charity, and my church.

7. I would help this one friend out.

8. I would get car repaired and maintained better beyond the three month oil changes, I would buy another car.

9. I would buy more organic food.

10. I would go some vacations within my state that were reasonable for my health to do. I would go on some day trips.

11. I would go to a stamp conference.

12. I would go to a lipedema conference.

13. I would get my scooter fixed and a new battery put in.

14. I would hire a cleaner to deep clean this place. It needs it. I am cleaning what I can.

15. I would self publish a book

16. I would pay off the tax man in total.

I'm worrying about money again.  At least now there is some food in here and all the basic bills were paid this month.  I have had times that are far far worse. When that happens you fear even losing what you have?

The worse thing about being poor or income challenged? The lost opportunities. Sometimes when the years go by, and more things I wanted to do, like travel to see a friend, or getting other things done it gets tough. Sometimes you think to yourself there should be more to life then just paying for a box to live in and feeding yourself.  Being poor you can't afford to go see anyone.  You want to do more for others. You don't want to drive people crazy feeling sorry for yourself.

Sitting at a self-help group last night, I almost wanted to burst into tears hearing the people talk about visiting their myriad of relatives and vacations and activities. Maybe health wise I couldn't keep up, but you know maybe I want to make a few good memories too. My regrets are getting kind of high.

My last vacation, you know where you go somewhere, and see sights and rent a hotel room and visit people for a week was 2004.

My last day trip was 2011. 

I know there are people worse off then me. Compared to the homeless and others, life isn't that bad.  Recently I am even worrying about our car dying and not being able to replace it. Being without a car sucks for a thin healthy person, for someone like me with poor mobility it is a nightmare, and I lived that way 6 years. I can cry even thinking about it. This means there was no just going out and doing things--during my non-housebound times. No sitting in the park. Not being able to go to church. I'm praying for the car to only need a minor repair not a major.

Sometimes I think I would have been happier in a poorer society where I would not be so set apart for being of such a low economic class. I would have fit in. The expectations would not be that my life looks like the people on TV. America has so many people who feel the way I do, and we are invisible out there.

Living in a town where everyone lives middle class or above, it gets very lonely at times. Most don't relate to your lifestyle or your problems. I am tired of worrying. I need some fun. I need some stability. I need to feel like a human being. The ground hog day life of worrying about bills, and having to go to community charity dinners to get food to spread it out for the week is getting old. I know being disabled does not make you rich. In many countries I would have been left in the gutters, at least in America the disabled aren't thrown into the streets.

 Poverty can haunt a person for life. The dumpster diving, going without medicine, the sleeping on rotten mattresses from the trash, being jumped waiting at bus stops are memories that never left my brain. As my life stands now, I am OKAY with it, it is the loss of the car that worries me, the loss of quality of life. I said to husband, "I can't go back to where things were before."  I am so tired of the shame, disappointment and worry. Even when a little bit is saved, his work gets cut back, or some other emergency takes it away.


  1. We were just discussing this at our food bank meeting last night. Lots of people don't know that no money is trauma. Specifically, cigarettes and alcohol is hard to give up for a person with money and if they don't have money it would be impossible. Which many people think poor people need to give up those things. Yeah right, wait until they are fine and stable, not crashed to the ground.

    I'm looking for work, and its very hard. My car is old, I have no income, but my husband takes care of me when I need it. I'm financially responsible for myself, I have some money in the bank, and I am hoping it don't run out before I'm employed. I'm following job leads everywhere.

    I live in a very small town and the food bank is busy. I know cause I volunteer there. I wish I had some advice, I really do.

  2. Yes no money is trauma. I believe I have PTSD when husband had his job lay-offs, it was very traumatizing to me. On top of it if you have read older articles here, I got abused by my narcissistic family over being poor, endless put-downs and being called a loser, etc. The stigma for me was worse then the actual going out.

    I hope and pray you find a job soon. I know how tough that is. Yes the food banks here are overwhelmed. We go to a community dinner that is packed to the rafters with people. One thing hard about being poor in our society is how they lie and hide what is going on. They make every poor or struggling person think they are the only one. I am glad you volunteer too :)

    1. correction above, "the actual going WITH out"

    2. I've read some of your blog, you have a good handle on what is going on in the world. And the stigma is terrible. My family is the same way. I couldn't tell my mother anything, when I was in contact, when she saw rust on the car she told me to get it fixed right away, and I had no money. She snooped in my mail, and noticed I was behind on my bills, and told everyone, made a big stink, about that time I blanked out and fell and broke my 2 front teeth, and when the dentist asked what happened, did I trip or something, no I just fell.

      I'm NC now, yahhhh.

      But the stigma of no money hurts me too.

    3. Thanks Joan. The stigma is horrible. At least in other countries or in the old days if you were poor, your family was/is too. I think about the baby boom generation and Generation X and how many destroyed souls there must be out there from being put down for not achieving what their parents did. I relate to the car rust, mine insulted me for not having had my teeth cleaned in 15 years. [I got charity dental work via a program found online]. Mine mocked me for debts and even Aunt Scapegoat who was living on half my income. I think for me the stigma hurt worse then the going without. I am an Aspie that lives in the world of the mind, if there is food/apt and a library and some scenery I am happy but yes the stigma is very hard. I am glad you are NC.

    4. Ok, Peeps just to let you know that as a mother, I couldn't even imagine insulting my children this way. It would be hard enough knowing they have a problem and if they are not ok, it is extremely unbearable if they are hurt or upset about anything. Its painful to watch them go through stuff. Its horrible. I would rather take on the problem they have, for me its that way, and I can't imagine it wouldn't be that way for any other mother who is not a malignant narcissist.

      A real mother would not behave that way. It would be impossible. A real mother would not be able to bear you not getting your teeth cleaned in 15 years. It would tear her apart.

      Yes, you have the money problems. But the stigma is coming from someone who doesn't care.

      I think you would be much better off understanding that you can live with the money problems, without the stigma.

      Today I made a revelation. I know my mother never loved me. That was hard to accept, but from now on I am embracing life.

    5. Thanks Joan, I had to accept she never loved me too to go no contact, I am sorry you had to go through that. I have good days and bad on the money thing. I realize that was used very insidiously for my abuse. The stigma comes from someone who doesn't care and wanted me to fail. I agree a normal mother could not have watched those severe health problems and others, even the few crumbs I got in my 30s didn't make up for what was refused for many years before. Thanks for understanding. I hope I can embrace life, I am trying for it.

      I wrote this about the money and stigma some time ago:

  3. If you are disabled google Donated Dental. There is a year waiting list. I have dental care like a normal person now.