Sunday, November 13, 2016

Conversations About Letting Go and Letting God

I got in a weird conversation with another friend the other day...I wrote her:

 "I think in this society some people do not fit in. Don't take this wrong. Many good people are being outcast and
"thrown away". One thing I have noticed is if you still have emotions and an emotional life, the cold as stone types do not welcome this. I did not fit in due to being an Aspie. I guess I have accepted these limitations and no longer banging my head against a brick wall to be loved and accepted."

I had to accept the fact I do not fit in. This means accepting myself as an Aspie. Chances are I never will. This may sound like a strange revelation but it is what it is. One thing I have been freed from over the last few years is that feeling of "having to perform"  or "censoring" myself to be accepted. While some frozen moments can still crop up, I just stopped.  I put a lot of energy out in the people pleasing and for the repression. Now more of this energy is reserved for other things.

This was a major change that also knocked down my anxiety levels quite a bit. I started saying what I wanted. The other day, they had changed my art class to a place with stairs, due to a one day special event. It was in a neighboring house the art center owned. This shocked and surprised me. I think people did not mean malice but just didn't remember. I could not get up the stairs especially since I had my walker and left my cane at home, and made it clear this was unacceptable.

I am not so sure the old me would have done this. She may have just gone home and cried over feeling "left out" and hating herself for having a giant body that can't navigate stairs. They changed the venue and moved to the basement of the art center where the elevator goes, so I could go to art class and paint. I was happy and people apologized. I said, "It is important the disabled are thought of and not left out that way."

 I am dealing with the reality of who I am socially since I went no contact from abusers and more, and I'm done with the demands and trying to be someone others wanted me to be or "fitting in". Being this old, I got too tired. I gave this friend the advice, "Don't work and struggle anymore to fit in, you are who you are." 

 There's too many people hurt by this. They try and try to be accepted and loved and to attain positions denied them. Some live in object grief for not entering worlds and places denied them for decades. Abuse victims especially are put in that place of trying to "earn" people's love. It is a tragic place to be, and the terrible adult outcome for a child denied unconditional love.

 Love is short in the USA as a whole with the narcissists in charge. We are seeing the collective grief I believe of the USA right now for their falling fortunes, which is one reason the orange faced man promising new things got in. One reason for all the grief and craziness, is people were told to strive instead of live and when they see goals not attained and carrots on sticks snatched away constantly they go a little psycho. The whole country seems to be a tinderbox for a reason. If one imagines the USA as one big dsyfunctional family, the narcissitic politicians have gaslighted us all to be at each other's throats.

 People strive socially not just professionally and otherwise, and that can be a treadmill leading to grief and sadness too. This applied to me too and surely you see that theme on this blog, where so much of my life, was dedicated to "trying to be accepted" by others. Sure does it hurt that I have no family that loves me. Sure it does. We all have the dreams of loving families that were vanquished.
 There's times that all ACONs mull over "What we could have done different." but honestly it was a decision they made, we didn't make it.  I have other things to attend to in life rather then begging for love and attention from people who don't have it to give. With many of them, I don't think they even love or care about each other except the sons of the Aunt Who Loved Me.  The gift of unconditional love is the gift that changes a life for the better. The others lacked it. The coldness, competition and more was not just reserved for me. I just was unwilling to accept it.

A lot of my energy has been needed to attend to my own household.  My husband has been really sick a lot. He's in bed almost as much as me. I am worried about my husband. I fear for his health. My husband has been sick a lot lately with gout and then he needed an emergency tooth extraction which he got at our free clinic. Yesterday after the gout attack seemed to be over, his leg started giving him problems where he was limping around. He is always exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if he has some kind of fatigue disorder. He is older then me too, so that affects him too. He has the free clinic, but he definitely needs a specialist to get to the root of all the fatigue and constant gout attacks. He is diagnosed with vein disorders in his legs as well.

I went for moral support with him to the dentist.  One worries about a loved one. It can get scary when your caretaker is ill. He still did my laundry on better days and put me in my Flexitouch machine and helped as much as he could. I worry for my husband, we have had a lot of stress, and he didn't have regular health care for years. These things have taken a toll on his health. If we won the Lotto, I probably would put us both in an assisted living place that had private apartments but help with laundry and cooking. It seems awful, that for both of us mobility is so compromised.

I took the trash out on my walker during his worse illness bouts which always seems to get me some sympathetic looks and offers of help from the neighbors.  Some sympathetic souls have looked at horror with me bumbling along on my walker and him limping along on one of my canes with his latest gout attack.  He was able to get his pills when we both got paid and seemed to be doing better for a time but fell back into some kind of leg/gout problem. When he loses his mobility for short periods of time, that's when things can get scary for us both.  When he can't walk, I'm taking things to him.

I plan to talk to some disability advocates and others about what we should do if he gets sick for long term. He has health problems that are serious but they told him in his 2009 turn down for disability he could do sit down work which the freelance stuff is.  More and more disability is being reserved for the "Can't breathe" people like me. Many others don't get hired and cut out of the work-world but unless they know you can't walk or breathe normal like me, and a demanded work shift would mean an ambulance ride, they don't want to know. Something is wrong with that. Poverty alone sickens and ages people. We are both in far worse shape, then people of better means around here who are even 10-20 years older.

 To be honest, I think his health would be a lot better without sitting in a chair transcribing for hours or worrying about meetings or getting enough work, to make minimum wage pay.  One newspaper just cut some work the end of last week. The constant roller coaster stuff is crazy-making. He makes money about equal to someone working at McDonalds.  Someone who can't stand for more then ten minutes can't physically handle most of the menial jobs out there. Sometimes I watch all this, and I hate that guy so much who fired him at the last job in 2007, but then I think health-wise probably most of the narcissists would have booted him out. The fix was already in when the newspapers knew he was barely able to keep the 14 hour days going anymore.

 More and more disability is being reserved for the "Can't breathe" people like me. Many others don't get hired and cut out of the work-world but unless they know you can't walk or breathe normal like me, and a demanded work shift would mean an ambulance ride, they don't want to know. Something is wrong with that. How come there is never talk about progress when it comes to hiring practices? That's something I wonder about. The work-world is to be kept as mean and draconian as the worse 19th century factory.
Being scared for him and a little over-wrought and tired, I was writing stuff about "Why won't God help us?" and "How did our life come to this?" I was getting mad at God thinking, "Hey God, my husband has had it hard enough!" and then over life in general.  I wrote on my Facebook wall,

"For Christian friends, have you ever had a time where you felt like God was not hearing any prayers? What am I to make of this?" 
I told them I felt like God had left the building like Elvis and I had prayed about some issues for over a decade and been unable to fix them.  Watching someone else suffer so horribly who I loved was difficult. I did add I feared falling away and was not interested in going back to being an atheist. My husband would joke and say to me during some of these theological musings, "Just send Peep her suitcase full of 50s and 100s already!". Yes sometimes he can have a wry sense of humor.

Some friends reminded me to be careful to listen to God's Word and not abusive religious people in my mind like Mrs. Curses who threw up endless hoops for me to cross. Sometimes I think in our society a false view of God has been forwarded. There's many people who are finding out fast we do not fit in the Christian world. I even sat down and thought "Why am I angry at God?" Is it Him I am listening to or Judgmental people who told me that when bad things happen to me, that it means I do not have God's blessing?"

Remember Queen Spider and Mini-Me present themselves as ultra religious in the Catholic flavor.  I was told for many years that God favored those who He blessed. Narcissists will tell us, that poor or sick people did something "bad" to deserve it. I never judged people myself that way, but I internalized that crap when it came to me personally. Sometimes ACONs will hammer on themselves as much as the world does.

Christianity has gotten into the status and competition game. It's become STRIVE city too. The evangelical churches seemed like competition factories for who has the most loving families and picture perfect lives. They now have all the jockeying for "leadership" positions and family first teachings, that have helped to fuel all this. There's a reason the concerns of the poor and down and out get thrown out of the church window to vote in another blonde Richy Rich.
They worship those who have achieved and those who have STRIVED and attained it all in this world instead of Jesus Christ.

 Rick Warren pushed it with the "What is your purpose stuff?" in Purpose Driven Life. Churches became more about life improvement and self improvement. A lot of people got left behind in all that. The more I thought about it, when husband got sick, and I was ranting about God even writing in my journal, "God why are you so mean to us?" and then feeling guilty over the times of some answered prayers, I thought, "Where is this stuff coming from? Whose judging me for being lacking, the judgmental people or God? I know keeping one's head on straight in this society can be crazy-making. It also produces a lot of the anxiety.

People who are told spiritually and otherwise that they must always be producing, and improving or showing evidence of being blessed in this world with God smiling favor upon them are very anxious people. There was part of me who even started getting embarrassed at seeing no improvements in our life or fortunes.  When one's social life becomes one of competition and fitting in instead of feeling loved and accepted in real relationships, people feel afraid. There's a lot of fearful people out there. They are scared. What are we scared of? Is it actual hunger or trouble or the loss of status and favor and love or being the one with the fingers all pointing at us?

One friend's advice was to let go and let God. They told me the more they stopped caring what happened to them the more peace they found. They had suffered from anxiety too and just got tired of worrying. They still make plans and do what they have to, to better their life but they don't get caught up in what could happen. It did help take stress and frustration away. They also mentioned sometimes people can get caught up in an always praying and never receiving mode. Yes, that probably happened to me. It was better to let things go.
I have ponder thoughts like I am tired of trying to swim against the current, and all this worrying, and trying to 'fix' or 'change" life instead of accepting what "is" was screwing me up and I wanted done with all of it. When one gets old, they want peace and rest. That's what I want.

Us ACONs can get caught up because we are always pushed to perform or impress or please that we learn not to just be. I actually had started working on stopping caring about what happens and realizing I can't control it anyway. I don't have that kind of control. It had cut down some of the worries but they were still happening.

Yes more happiness lies in the path of just letting it go and not worrying.

I told my husband we need to worry less. He worries a lot, and is like me in some ways. For the sake of his own health, he has to ease up and we both have to stop being so scared of the tsunami coming to overtake us. There's a point where you're running and fighting so hard just to survive, a lot of energy is getting expanded, but you're stuck running in the same place. He is of the age now too where he deserves some peace and quiet as well. If only they didn't design work itself now to be so maddening. He is one of those people who strived for success. He still does. He published a book in 2003 and used to have articles in national music magazines, he already has had success. I don't see it as "giving up" but a mellowing out. Still do what you can do but don't bang your head on the brick wall.

Like in others cases if they lose your job, there's not much they can do to stop it and you do what you can.  Still try and do what you have control over but realized you don't have control over a lot of things. I don't have the energy as much to fight the rising tides and the world has gotten more complex and scary. His stress needs lightened up for his health. The endless expectations of this world have beaten us both down.

 I got caught in fighter mode with all the illnesses and maybe it kept me alive longer but it has done other bad things to my psyche. The energy that kept me alive through severe abuse and when I was almost dead and 700lbs, fueled a fire in me that kept on burning hot. My friend's advice was good in helping me to think about mellowing out and find more peace. Let go and Let God. And I tell myself, "Oh you don't have to fix everything and it's not in your control anyhow". I'm done with the strive-a-thon beating so many others down. I pray my husband's health improves too.


  1. Life is hard at this time, and I don't think many people are happy. Your thoughts are wise.

    1. Thanks Helena. I agree not many people are happy now. You can just see it in their faces.

  2. I just saw a commercial for a true crime show and the woman was saying people just get caught off guard when someone close to them goes off the rails and crashes the crazy train. With my mother she just wore us down. We couldn't win for losing with her. We would start over with a new house and my dad would get a new job. I don't remember if I ever told you how my ex would pick up the phone during even a small disagreement and start dialing out Boop boop beep beep Boop And she would stand there clicking her manicured nails on the counter waiting for someone to pick up and I would stand there wondering who she was calling and you would hear a voice from the mouthpiece and she would start screaming in the phone like I was slicing and dicing her. She would have called 911. But she would sit there patiently waiting for someone to answer and then scream like she was being murdered. My mother was kind of like that, we would move across town to get her away from what ever guy she was carrying on with and it usually was someone my father worked with so he would have to quit his job. Etc
    OK! new job, new school, new friends, and she would sit there the way my ex would and wait for just the wrong moment and lie dormant until the next time she got caught in the bushes or at a motel and we would start it all over again. At last count I went to over 11 schools by the time I was a freshman in high school. And she just kept forging on. Never one second's thought to the carnage we had to sweep up after her. I never saw a single sympathetic look EVER! In fact I am sure she took pride in her ability to just run up like a kid putting firecrackers in an ant bed to watch them scurry about and try to rebuild their nest before the rains came and washed them all away.God I hope she is in hell she should be .....right next to Saddam Hussein or Qaddafi..... or Hitler. Hitler gets way too much press even if it's all bad.

  3. I looked back and my comment really has little to do with the subject at hand. I just was spewing anything that free associated into my mind.

    1. Yeah that true crime show sounds legit, well, a lot seemed to be in shock, looks like some end up in jail for picking criminal sociopaths to hang out with.

      I didn't realize you moved that many times, that is INSANE, and your father enabled all that stuff too, well his job moved you all around as well but wonder how much you don't know that they were always running away from.

      Oh sure theyd go from screaming to nice within seconds depending on who there was to talk to or mess with!

      She probably has the room right next to Hitler in hell.

  4. I kind of gave up on God because it seemed like he cared more about all these really narcissistic abusive people, than he did about me, It just did not make any sense to me.
    And I was sick of banging my head against a wall about it. I admit I may just not be seeing things right, so I'm relying on his mercy that I just didn't get it if he exists.
    But I have to say it is hard to believe that he takes care of some people and leaves others to misery. I have given up on Christianity too. The whole things seems bogus. It has some really good things about it but as a whole I didn't see
    it transform a lot of people who said they were Christians. I think they think they were transformed, but as you said we live in a big dysfunctional family here in the USA. And Christians are a part of that!
    I'm OK with just not thinking about God too much.I feel I genuinely wanted to be a christian but it didn't feel like God was coming my way much at all.It felt like my relationship with my family...Then there were the intellectual questions. But I probably could have worked with those.
    If you can still believe and it's good for you I think that's good. I hope you find peace. We Acons deserve some peace.

    1. I was an atheist for many years also in the UU. I know I had the whole false piety Catholic thing. I do still believe but I am out of the church system, and understand what you mean about the Chritians who dont seem any different from average folks. I even one day after I got my butt burned at some snobby bible study told my husband I was worried because the Mrs Judgy McJudges scared me. The Bible does say that there are going to be a lot of people who claim to be Christians who aren't and Jesus will say I never knew you. I also reject the Religious Right political nd otherwise, I guess in my mind I separated what God's Word said from what they preached but wow that took years unloading all that baggage, and reading and studying scripture for myself. I understand your struggle. I had years where I felt like I wasn't good enough for God or had thoughts like God loved my mean relatives more because they had more money etc;. there too I had to study scriptures like Psalm 63 warning about the wicked prospering. I will pray for you but I do understand maybe more then you could guess. I've been there. I hope this article can help, its an older one from here.

  5. Oh, plus I didn't feel like he left one area of my life untouched or protected from damage. I got Jobed! But I never had all the good stuff that Job had to begin with..And I'm getting old so him replacing it all won't mean much.
    It's late and I'm starting to feel a little snarky toward God.

    1. LOL I had those same thoughts about JOb, well at least he got the candy years, where he had the big houses, money and all those children. I even had the skin sores before, [in late 90s at peak of weight gain, my entire body broke out in ulcers, they called the leg ones statis ulcers and never really diagnosed them. I would get areas popping out for years but not the whole body. I diagnosed it as vasculitis, on my own but who knows...Understand what you mean about getting old and knowing that stuff is not happening. I got saved reading about Lazarus at the gate. I know this sounds weird but I figured if some old diseased beggar whose life was nothing on this earth could get saved then I could too.

      By the way this was a very very hard one for me. My mother told me for decades, I was "worthless" and had "accomplished nothing" and "had nothing to show for my life" My husband told me once that the day she told me I had nothing to show for my entire life and had failed was the beginning of the end and he suspected I would be walking one day for good from that alone.

      King James Bible
      And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

      I do see life for most good people as being very difficult on this earth. A lot of false churches sell Christianity as a life improvement plan and it's false theology and they show off wealth and more saying "What good Christians we are"

  6. What's your husband's book title? I'd love to read it!

    1. Oh I can't share it here, because I keep anon. Thanks anyhow.

  7. Gout occurs when urate crystals accumulate in your joint, causing the inflammation and intense pain of a gout attack.
    Urate crystals can form when you have high levels of uric acid in your blood.
    Your body produces uric acid when it breaks down purines — substances that are found naturally in your body, as well as in certain foods, such as:

    steak, organ meats and seafood.

    Other foods also promote higher levels of uric acid, such as:

    alcoholic beverages, especially beer, and drinks sweetened with fruit sugar (fructose).

    Does your husband drink soda? Have you considered changing his diet?

    1. Food wise, we have not done that well. Except for one shopping trip a month I do right after I get my check, most of our food is coming from food pantries. They give one way too many carbs. One passes out some fresh vegetables, but it is hit or miss on what you get. My food coop is good on the cereal, meat and eggs but not on fresh fruits or vegetables. I think they plan to change this. He drinks too much soda, and I have tried to get him to give it up but I can only do what I can. We don't eat much red meat, I can't handle it, maybe a lean burger once in a while, [Lipedema gave me "gout" too though I do not have the joint issues, it turned into kidney stones for me] I really wish I could afford to take us half vegan but the money is just not there. I'm allergic to all organ meats, seafood and alcohol so he's not getting it either. I have noticed stress seems to produce his worse attacks. I believe he could have a systemic problem where gout is a symptom, because it seems to be way over the top. I learned high uric acid in my case goes with severe Lipedema. [I have had parathyroid problems in the past too] I think maybe he has drank too much juice too from the food co-op and will remind him to cut it down. I can't drink the juices without raising my blood sugar.

    2. Hi Peep, I'm sorry your husband is not feeling well. Has he tried Tart Black Cherry Juice for Gout. It works wonders for many folks and helps flush uric acid crystals out.
      Peep, I'm also a believer and do not go to church. Honestly, between the false doctrine,
      controllers, & narcs, I can't handle it anymore. When I first became a believer it was not so difficult to reside in a church. People were truly loving , kind & friendly. There are too many agendas floating around today. I'm currently not in the US and I find the same scenerio in other countries, narc pastors or controlling congregations. I love Jesus and cherish my time with Him sitting on the couch, reading the Bible and praying . I listen to sermons on line such as Pastor David Langford & watchman Steve Quayle. I don't fit in very well with modern day church life. I will keep you & your husband in my prayers. God Bless, Kittiestravel

  8. It's really terrible your mother said that to you. Mine has said some horrible things too.
    I'll take what you said into account about God, it's just that there is so much Jesus says about loving your enemy and doing good to them, and be perfect like your father in heaven, etc. I didn't feel like I could live up to it. I think a lot of those church people probably don't have years of hideous abuse from wicked parents, then other abuses and life tragedy's to go on top of that. It's exhausting, and doesn't make you want to love your enemies.
    I prayed for justice from this really abusive person who wrecked my life, and he was rewarded more after that prayer. That was it for me. It's not just about money. My health and self sufficiency have been destroyed too. But, I appreciate your prayers.
    I think I have too many questions because of all that's happened to me.
    I understand you felt like Job after you broke out in sores. That must have been hard.

    1. Yes it is one of the most terrible things. I wrote her a letter she ignored too. That was the worse thing about that sociopath, no communication, and invalidated at every turn. I do not miss her. A lot of the preachers ignore what is in the bible, and preach false forgiveness of the seared and ignore the reality about the wicked.

      Check this article out.

      The churches are out of touch and I've discussed many of these issues how they have become enablers for abusers and oppressors.
      Check out smakintosh's videos too:

      He talks about in this one how the churches defend abusers and more.

      The love your enemies stuff is something pushed by preachers leaving a lot else out. The bible says to depart from the wicked and that there are seared people [given over, without consciences, etc] that we do not have to scrape and bow to like the preachers seem to be so much into telling us too. Also I believe churches have made the family itself into an idol and I have noticed how a huge "loving" family is a status symbol in many conservative evangelical churches. This is one reason why singles, or the child-less are not welcome in that world. After I left the last IFB church, they put an ad in the phone book, FAMILY-FRIENDLY atmosphere. [almost saying you non-family people stay away

      I have struggled too because I have prayed for justice, and my family got even wealthier. My family is connected and "rich". There is even now a brother in law of my sister running for state senate. [not my state but near by one] They visited countries like Switzerland, Greece, etc. I realized why people were getting 6 figure jobs right out of highschool or college, and it's funny, I used to believe it was all because they were such "hard working people" and I was just a "loser" who couldn't get a job to save my life. One relative who works with celebrities in NYC and who married one of the multimillionaires, got a job at a university my mother has connections to via her nun friend. They lied about where she lived for three years. I suppose the Bible would say they are getting their reward now but it is hard.

      My health and financial means were destroyed very young, too, so I know these are not easy issues. Yes I will keep praying.

      Yes I've had too many crazy body stuff happen, even the 1 in 5 million weight gain was beyond the pale too, if you have read enough of the blog I gained 400lbs in 28 months. It took me 17 years to find out I had the rare fat disorder of Lipedema stage IV.

      My suggestion is read scripture on your own and realize the pastors are preaching things which help the status of their wealthy congregants. More money to be put into the coffers...

  9. The problems start with an anthropomorphic deity: the need to limit and define the unknowable by giving it a human mask. It's understandable, but the reason why All That Is becomes a narc parent one needs to endlessly please and appease. Organized relgion exploits this need to be loved and accepted, in this case, to be accepted into heaven. Our spiritual impulses can be much better served than by enabling these jokers with their collection plates. Sermon over, lol.

  10. "Have any of you Christians ever felt like God is not answering your prayers? " Yes, I have. And so did Jesus, His SON: "About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). While hanging on the cross by his wrists and feet. Also in Isaiah it says that "He was a man of sorrows and aquainted with grief." And another place in the New Testament says: No servant is greater than his master, if they hated Me, they will hate you too." Not trying to discount your heart rending recollection of your daily life. I cried when I read it. Especially the part about your husband being your only care giver. I am in the same boat Peep, except I don't yet have the health problems but I'm sure they will come eventually. I don't have anyone to put down as an emergency referency on my daughter's school forms. I've deceided that next year I'm gonna write "JESUS" in that spot. Because I literally have NOBODY, not even a neighbor! I used to put my neighboor but they have also joined the heartless Pod People crowd of no empathy for others. "And the love of many will grow cold..." Jesus knew what He was talking about!! I wish that I was close to you (geographically) because I would be of help to you any way I could and not expect a thing in return except for REAL HUMANITY!!!!!!! If I got that from ANYBODY I would consider them my family!!! I'm very sorry Peep and I will ask God to give YOU the blessing that He had for me. I would prefer you to have it. Sorry I haven't been around in awhile I've had a lot of personal things going on and haven't even check my email in 3 or 4 weeks. I also have C-PTSD and I have a problem checking my email because of the hate I get on YouTube for telling the truth. May God give you and your husband blessings, healing and protection from the enemy that is relentless against those who refuse to follow his repetitious and STUPID lies.

    1. Hi Free Spirit, yes this included Jesus too, thinking that same way. Sorry you are in the same boat too FS, except the health problems. It's getting scary for a lot of people out there. The charities have long lines here, no community dinner without people to feed.

      Yes it's scary to fill out emergency forms. I only have my husband to write in. Yes write in Jesus and yourself.

      Sad to hear your neighbor joined the heartless that stinks. Yes empathy is in short supply nowadays. I know a few nice Lutherans who don't condemn me at one charity church but that is rare among the McJudge crowd.

      I would help people too if I had more means and not use it to control them or flake out and say you "owe me".

      Thanks for your prayers of blessing for me.

      Email me when you get time. You can see I get behind here, and am answering this a day or so after posting. I hope to post some today, but yeah just daily duties of life get in the way. If I home cook meals sugars are better.

      Where is your youtube channel, did you tell me before, sorry if I forgot. Yes one can get a lot of hate out there. CPTSD I know causes a lot of problems. I get afraid of regular mail because there is always something in there like 20 year old parking tickets. At least no hoovering cards from the evil ones this year. I pray you have blessings and protections too. :)

  11. Do you have a YouTube channel? Can you send a link?