Friday, May 27, 2016

Too Fat to Toddle

These kids are getting fat and they aren't driving themselves to fast food restaurants or doing the cooking. The really fat kids with ultra-thin parents are mind-blowing. I of course believe this is something that fat camps will not fix and that something else in the environment is influencing this. I think about myself as a kid, riding my bike for hours, 2 hour paper route on a bike daily, carrying heavy newspapers even on weekend mornings and the afternoon during the week, gym class, playing four square, hiking the woods for fun, restricted food to the max with my mother measuring out every portion and STILL FAT, no matter what I did. Some may say "Oh you're the special hormonal Lipedema case" but I see kids like this all the time, fatter then ever, but they aren't lazy, they aren't eating tons of food, they are wanting to run and play with other kids. So it it their fault?

They are all "little piggies" that need the punishment and edicts of the diet drill masters?  They better wake up about obesity and soon, it's not the CICO that will unravel the puzzle. People are getting fatter and you see even worse obesity now in younger people, where I was thin compared to what they are now as a child.

This Cartoon Disturbed Me

I used to watch the Powder Puff girls in the 1990s. I thought they were cute characters though they include some messages in the show I don't think are too good for young people and why did they have to show little girls "twerking". There's some disturbing symbols in this cartoon. Well even the old "devil" character used to creep me out.

  Painbow is a bear that brings a rainbow and brainwashing to Townsville in the new 2016 reboot of the Powder Puff Girls. Everyone gets giddy, happy, "positive" and wants to party.  School lets out, cars crash and society disintegrates. The Powder Puff Girls are mostly immune at first. As everyone's eyeballs fill with rainbows, Painbow the bear comes to brainwash everyone into a rainbow/ almost drug-filled party. The Powder Puff Girls know they have to save the town, but Bubbles and Blossom get brainwashed too pretty fast.

 I felt like I watched a mind control LSD drug trip from hell, even though the surface was "cute". It was Lisa Frank art dialed up 20 times for weirdness and creepiness.  I had weird thoughts seeing this cartoon, with the people going around like "happy zombies",  there's the flying monkeys and the people telling me to pray for malignant narcissists and "be nice to them", and the "be positive" brigade at it with "rainbows" in their eyes. Only Buttercup stands there seeing reality and saves the day punching out Painbow the bear.  The whole acid fueled mess of it all seems creepy. Kids cartoons are getting weirder and weirder, and Powder Puff Girls is nothing compared to the even creepier Uncle Grandpa.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

How to Spot a Hidden Narcissist

I'm working on some new social connections and have focused on the disability community as of late to do so and other avenues.  I've lowered the pressure on myself to "make friends" which is not always easy for Aspies and just enjoying activities for their own sake but have met some new friendly people. A lot of my time is spent with husband so in that I am not "lonely" but feel some new connections would add to both our lives.

In my old town, I was fortunate there, I encountered only a few narcissists but was not close to them so I was not hurt. Most of my friends there were older people, people from an anti-war group I was in, and co-op bookstore and church folks.  Being burned by some narcissists one wants to avoid them. One big important red flag mentioned on my blog before, is the question..."Do they ever show vulnerability?"  The narrator is right that they rely on feeling special instead of depending on people.

This video mentions that and I think it is good way to ferret out narcissists. Narcissists never want admit mistakes, or any sad or vulnerable feelings. Now some people may be shy and take time to open up to these things but one thing to be noticed about narcissists is how they always desire the "power" position. This ties into a second red flag to be warned of, we need to avoid people who do nothing but criticize, criticism of others to me is a sign of a narcissist that in putting others down, it is to build themselves up.

The warning about being put on pedestals is a good thing too. Some of us would refer to this as the love-bombing stage. This happened to me with the catfisher and spy. I should have listened to my intuition that told me she was saying overly loving things when she did not know me very well yet. We don't want to be put on a pedestal because usually later they will knock you off hard, and tell you that you are the worse person on the planet.

Mirroring is another red flag to watch out for.

"if someone is going to feel special by putting you down, ...that's going to erode your self esteem".

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Took the Bus

I figured out my bus problem, I needed to inform them I was an ADA passenger so I could schedule rides a day ahead of time and did, and that worked a lot better! Years ago I took the Dial A Ride in my old town and this one works the same way. It worked out pretty well today. Well now I will be able to get out a little bit and easier during my non-housebound times.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

My Mother's Second Daughter

I had an old school chum on Facebook I thought had no more contact with my sister and mother. I thought wrong.

Yesterday I kicked her to the curb on Facebook, unfriended and blocked her immediately. She probably was serving as a spy too. She was an old friend of my sister and I hung out with her too on occasion in high school.  I believed wrongly her contact with my sister and mother had become very minimal since this was someone I knew in the 1980s and early 1990s. I should have remembered Queen Spiders never leave loose ends.

My sister never posted on her Facebook wall even when I was in contact with her. However my sister's daughter the one who refused to befriend me on Facebook befriended her which gave me a clue something was off. For the old school chum, let's call her Betsy for now, that's not her real name of course.

One of my friend's on Facebook showed me a public post where my mother wrote Betsy, on her facebook wall. Since I had my mother blocked long ago, I did not see this before. This friend wanted me to know that the Betsy was not a safe person for me to be friends with on Facebook. I am glad I saw this though it was painful.

My mother wrote in 2015: "You Haven't Changed a Bit, Oh, you are now my second daughter."

Betsy: "AWESOME, [name of my mother] I've moved up!"

I had some memories return and one of those was that my parents both loved Betsy. Betsy was one of those sunny type personalities. My parents loved her so much that in high school, they would refer to her as their "second daughter". Now consider that, since there was two girls in my family.

Betsy would come bouncing into the room and joke and call my mother and father, her parents.  She would joke about being their daughter. They would hug her, laugh at her jokes and tell her what a great person she was. My mother used to put me down and say "Why can't you be more like Betsy? She is friendly and happy unlike you!" My father would even fawn over her, saying "Betsy is a great person, I love to have her around!" They always had presents and gag gifts for each other. Betsy never saw my parents yell or cuss each other out, they put on the best face for her. My mother would sneer, mumble and complain even in front of a very rich college friend, but when it came to my sister's friends, they were her instant best buddies.

Betsy is a person of low moral character. I always found her dating life weird, she married a man who was 65 years old when she was in her late twenties. Even my mother and sister behind her back later made snide comments about her choosing such old men at a young age. She was infertile but seemed to be wanting to look for a Daddy figure. Maybe a sugar daddy? Anyhow her first husband got older and poorer and she cheated to get a second one, in that she had her replacement so quickly she never had to live on her own as she got divorced and moved in with her ex-husband's replacement who was closer in age to her, but still 13-14 years older. This stuff was weird, but who spends time analyzing friendly school acquaintances online. I didn't have the time.

I believe Betsy is a narcissist too. I have no doubt of this now. You think about someone who writes and supports a sociopath doing a "daughter discard". That is not normal either. These are some sickos. Betsy ironically was close to her own mother who died around 6 years ago. Her wall was full of memorials to loving mothers. Her father died young, but perhaps when it came to my parents, she found like dark soulmates to be at one with. Betsy has never wanted for a job or a dollar just like my mother. She loves to bowl, and is very popular and has the nickname of "Cooter" among other friends.

This exchanged bothered me greatly. I was shaking with anger, and had to talk myself out of more kiss-off letters to various people though I told this one a few things as I walked out the door. No one who has ever known my mother in the last 50 years or met her in a room even once is a safe person and that makes me sad. The plate is being wiped completely clean. When I pondered this situation more, I used to get very depressed when Betsy visited. Today I understand why. I used to think she is so nice, why do you feel so bad around her? Well there's a reason I felt so bad. She had no problem sabotaging me behind the scenes at my mother's direction even many years later. She was a two faced traitor.

I have realized some of the depths of my abuse, and it's hard working my way out out of some of these things. Undoing these decades of damage is tough.  I had no chance being smashed down behind the scenes. Remember this was done in public so imagine what would be done behind the scenes. Socially I feel more uneasy then I did even as a teenager. No contact has changed my personality and it has continued even three years later. The other day, I had the fleeting thought that someone new did not like me, because they were not talking to me in front of a group of people, and geared myself saying, "You must not care anymore if people don't like you!" "It is a trap you must escape!". 

 My mother has been doing anything and anything to crush me behind the scenes, and did it with everyone she came in contact with.  I used to think "Oh I am being paranoid!" to think anyone she had talked to had been poisoned against me but it's true, absolutely true. She talked everyone else into sharing her opinion of me that I meant nothing and was nothing. Her ways of turning me into "nothing" to others were never-ending.

The years of being devalued and invalidated have taken a massive toll, and I know my mother got so many to join in with her, it is disgusting.  Remember Smakintosh's video Familial Sabotage of the Narcissistic Parent? In my case, not one family member, not one family friend, not one school chum or anyone who has ever met my parents or mother was left untouched. I have had over 40 relationships affected, where my mother's side was overtly chosen. Some condemned me for no contact and some relationships were poisoned far earlier. Yes I know that is a lot of people. If I didn't know how narcissists and sociopaths operated, there is no way I could have coped with so many betrayals.

This "second daughter" comment, is more evidence that I did not come out of Queen Spider's womb.

I really was surrounded by evil people.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Disability Pride

This week I went to a disability pride seminar. We were taught the history of disability rights and it was very interesting seeing how many worked to fight for people with disabilities of all kinds. One issue that was discussed was the idea of having disability being part of one's identity. In my case, as far as disability identity goes, there's multiple communities for me, it's not just one simple place of identification having a rare fat disorder, Aspergers and being hard of hearing as well as other challenges. Disabled people can find support among each other and to be frank, it's like the ACON community too on here, where we come together to share our experiences in being there for one another.

One issue discussed was Ableism [the system of discrimination against people with disabilities] and Internalized Ableism, where a person with a disability looks at their own disability creating barriers and confirms negative stereotypes. Disability pride encompasses celebrating one's own uniqueness. We drew posters of ourselves in the middle and our different identities, and aspects of ourselves. I drew in some of my disability "identities" but they were only a few among many which included being a wife and artist. It was a very interesting exercise.

Disability Pride is about the disabled empowering themselves and recognizing what they can do and what they can contribute, and rejects "shame" and the need to "blend in" and conform. There are people out there who still believe disabled people should be hidden away or do what they can to hide their disabilities. They want us silent about our stories and ashamed of being who we are. That is wrong, and it holds way too many people back who could contribute so much to our society. I have brought up the issue of lost talent and contributions in our draconian work world in general but it applies here too.

Disability Pride is also saying one can be part of the community and deserves to be and being able to have access to that community and included in the world.

To be honest the concept of disability pride is new to me though obviously in size acceptance there is a hint of these concepts, in being okay with who you are, accepting yourself and acknowledging who you are outside the judgments and negative conclusions of society. One of my good friends now deceased was in an ADAPT group but I only knew about some of her activism. Disabled people of all kind need a voice. In the group, I discussed how in the 1970s, it seemed there was more of a push to integrate disabled people into mainstream society. In some ways things have improved, where one can see even disabled actors on our TV shows and more but in other ways, things have regressed where people even with minor health problems and challenges who have the ability to work in their case being blocked out of the regular workaday world.

I am getting more involved in the disability rights movement and also in local disabled activities in my community.

Blood Sugar Back Down to 117

Worrying about a problem jacked it to the skies. I ate scrambled eggs, wheat toast and homemade turkey sausage for dinner with some salad. Yes I know that's an odd dinner, the night before. Dealing with Diabetes is like a science project. My CPAP mask may have slid off my face too. Rest and mellowing out helps my blood sugar.