Saturday, April 29, 2017

My Husband Wrote a Poem About Our Meeting

Today is the 23rd anniversary of our meeting for the first time. We are happily making some plans for our 19th wedding anniversary which will be next week on the 9th. We have had a lot of fun this month going to zine conferences, a local mini comic con and a poetry event.He read this poem at a poetry event yesterday. True love did change my life and has kept me going this long. You will note the poem mentions our mutual misfortunes with single-ad dating...

So here's the poem:

Accidents Will Happen

"Accidents will Happen
but only hit and run
You used to be victim
now you're not the only one."

...I took refuge in those lines courtesy
of Mr. Elvis Costello,summer 79
Everytime I loaded my bat

and struck out dead  with the opposite sex
and only years later did it occur to me...

Had I owned in this order
A Trans-Am, a class ring, the right social connections
and a varsity letter sweater....

My chances of scoring with the odd blonde or two
would have been so much better.

I looked forward to college and the promise of starting over
A page in life's little small town yearbook
but sad to say, the big picture

Didn't change for the better:
everybody I knew was either already attached
unattached and in no mood to start over,
semi-attached or hooking up

For the couch tour of convenience: one night only
no strings attached.

I let the rules of attraction slide for awhile, although
from time to time
I'd give those personal ads 

A try: Man talk about rolling me some snake eyes!
A couple times I dated a woman who always talked 
about how well she did.

By her "product" but I never knew what that meant
until some friends of mine cornered me one night
and said, "Don't you know who that is? They call her
"The Divine Mrs. Heroin"

That bomb dropped after date number three
funnily enough
We haven't been in touch

Since then looking back
on this parade of craps
that we threw, my wife and I
can laugh about it now

....because she almost didn't show up on our first date
...she'd thrown a few craps 
too many herself
but some gut instinct 
whispered, "Stick it out--
one more time."

I showed up late 
due to some event or other
I had to cover
So I called her from a truck stop 
in ******
I don't remember
Anyhow, from the first minute 
we the fuse on a dynamite stick

Now, whether we'd go it alone
through the dating gauntlet 
again to find
our one and only we don't know

...but on this much, we agree 
everything ran so much 
better when we stopped
trying to stack the dice
in some predetermined order

This much I can testify 
20 years later:
Accidents will happen
.....but I like how this particular hit and run
worked out for the both of us.

What is the Alt-Left?

What is the Alt Left?

Both mainstream Left and Right are wedded to the notion of eternal Progress–the idea that things are perpetually getting better and better for everyone. They love to deploy statistics compiled by, for example, the late Dr. Hans Rosling and Stephen Pinker, demonstrating how much richer and safer the world has gotten over the past hundred years under their “enlightened leadership,” and how much wealthier the “poor” nations of the world have become. This is their justification for moving forward with the Neoliberal project. To that end, any dissent from the status quo amounts to a return to barbarism! The “sacrifice zones” of the industrial heartlands of America and Europe are simply the price to pay for global progress. I call it “omelette ethics”—the idea that “You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs…”

Neither side deals with the idea that there are fundamental limits to growth, or that we have lost a great deal in our relentless push to modernize. None of them deal with the crises of unemployment, obesity, mental illness, or pollution, for example. To them, every problem we face can be solved with either more education, more economic growth, more markets, more migration, more regulations, or more technology, full stop.

Expanding and growing the economy is imperative for both the mainstream Right and Left; on this issue, there is no difference. Neither of them question the basic assumptions of our current society on a deeper level. I summarized them last time: productivism (growthism); top-down technocratic management; centralization of power; educational meritocracy; multiculturalism; cosmopolitanism; globalism; corporatism; consumerism; financialization; technological progress, laissez-faire capitalism; natalism, meliorism, scientific rationalism, materialism, the belief in “progress,” and so forth.

"Ah, yes, the mainstream Left’s think tanks are all about “Progress,” aren’t they, while the Right’s are all about “Freedom.” Neither offers much in the way of progress or freedom to anyone besides a small technocratic elite.
Techno-optimism, perpetual economic growth, multiculturalism, globalism, more education, “just desserts” meritocracy—there is really not much difference between the mainstream Left and Right anymore, is there? No wonder people are increasingly flocking to alternatives, including some very toxic ones."

Resiliency in Hard Times

Why Doesn't Anything Work Any More?

Has Our Society and World Become Too Complex for the Vast Majority of People In It?

I wonder how some people survive. I had to put another keyboard on this laptop and figured out this one will only work if plugged in while computer is booted up, that's not how it worked with another. I am one of those old people now, the world has left behind. Years ago I was tested as having an IQ in the top 5%, I would be in the bottom 5% however when it comes to mechanical and computer skills.

I tried to get a new cable for one of my computers, I used to get ones for around 10 dollars from this one computer repair shop. Anyhow I go there, and the guy tells me, "Oh we are out of computer cables". It looks like the partner who knew what he was doing has left the business and all the "old stuff" that filled the shelves and we got so cheaply was disposed of.

 I said, "Can you get me a new cable?" He says, "Sure". I have waited two months due to my endless budget constraints and he quotes me a price of 35 dollars. I said, "For a computer cable"? I balk at the price and he assures me, "I am not ripping you off." I need another repair from him which is to get my keyboard replaced on my laptop, so we continue. He orders it. I have brought in the old one, for him to write down the number AND the laptop. My husband picks it up a week later, and it DOES NOT FIT. Fed up, I return it, and get my money back. I also figure out ebay ones cost around 15 dollars. I am done with his business and never want to go back.  I can't trust him to fix the keyboard either. That is probably something I will have to teach myself to do off youtube and I found the keyboard for 15 dollars on ebay.  He quoted me 65 dollars for that repair.

I get a free TV in a free-cycle deal, I think it is about 13 years old. It is younger then our TV which totally died, and we had to hit for months to make the picture tube work. Imagine Fonzie with the jukebox to shut it off. Anyhow the  older TV is toast and the screen goes black forever. On that TV, the closed captioning worked. This TV it doesn't, the menu won't turn on with the remote. My cable company assures me I can get closed captioning. I talk to an agent online who orders me a new cable box that supposedly offers closed captioning, and well I get it, and it doesn't work. We talk to a new agent on the phone, and he tells us, it won't work. This new cable box cost 15 dollars to get for the mail. I am livid. They say they will order a new one. Stupid whistles and bell choices abound, like changing the color of your TV guide instead of anything for the hearing impaired or deaf. ADA seems dead in the water. I hate computer geeks even more and how they have ruined our life making everything more complicated.

I am not mechanical. I even had to take photographs of the back of the TV and cable box to match everything. I am not a computer engineer but somehow this society expects me to be one when it comes to everything. I feel like this whole world is geared for upper middle class and above technocrats. Today I told my husband, the cable will be turned off if the third box doesn't work. I can barely afford it anyway. We live in too "remote"of an area for that free TV some can get with the special box. Life was better when we could just buy the TV and turn it on without paying a monthly fee. TV without closed captioning is a bunch of mush mouths, funny how they speak far more clearly on commercials,so it is useless to me. He is more calm about these matters and tells me he will help me get it fixed.

I wonder why companies don't make things more simple. A company could make millions if they stripped things down and made things user friendly. Take away the stupid whistles and bells no one uses, I have never seen anyone change the stupid color on the cable TV guide, and make things understandable. I don't want a smart phone. That's just more money and irritation and stress.  I'm old enough to remember when companies cared about what customers thought.


 Our local protests have kept going. One staffer of the local Congressman's office, where a lot of the protests are held, asked since Trump's 100 days are up, if that means the protests are finished yet? The response is NO. We have the Democratic protesters and independents like me still out there. I made this sign the week, the trouble with Syria was getting started. Syria is on the Plan for the New American Century list with Iran next. It does seem like the anti-war movement is long dead. I saw a few independent protesters with "no to war" signs that week but far fewer then I expected. Sometimes you do ask yourself if protesting has any effect. I still believe it is better to speak out then not though. Trump the other day said, he thought being president would be "easier". He probably just thought he would get to parade around and get his picture taken while going to a few meetings and no actual "work" would be involved. That's a narcissist for you. Maybe he will quit, but then we would be stuck with Pence. You can tell he hates the actual job.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Advanced No Contact Thoughts and Ambiguous Loss

I've been trying to live life thinking less about them, so haven't written about "the family" as much lately. I've had to train my mind in clearing my brain of this stuff 24/7. I have done a better job of it most of the time. Sometimes I still get "days", no where the number of years ago, but you think about the past and why and how things had to turn out the way they did.

With the few cousins, I have to be careful, I feel like they keep secrets from me. They treat me at arms-length, that gets tiring. I have kept the contact very minimal on purpose. It says something to me, that they drive into my state to visit Uncle Narcissist, well one has visited me before and says he might soon again but this is several visits a year for that uncle and family gatherings my mother and sister are not at, that I remained uninvited from.  I know I have to remain cautious. I can't go looking for something that isn't there.

I know yesterday's trigger came from a nice local friend talking about a vacation she was taking with sisters and another person going to family funeral.  These are good people who are just talking about what is happening in their lives, but every ACON especially one NC from the entire family or most of them probably has those "family triggers" wondering how it went so wrong. With the years a lot of the pain has ebbed away but I still get my moments. I don't blame folks but I feel like the area I live in is far more family focused then many. I found one new older friend who seems to lack a family. This may sound weird, but that comes as a relief to me. Someone like that can understand someone like me more. 

On Facebook, I ran into someone posting about ambiguous grief....this is grief for people who are still alive. With narcissists, we grieve the people who should have been there then who really are but many side relationships are lost. I will never see the nieces or nephews again. I lost Aunt Scapegoat years and years before she died. Losing the cousins, may happen. Going no contact means losing people who are living for many ACONS.  There's times I tell strangers if they ask or it comes up, "I have no family" and I don't go into detail. It is easier that way, because in some ways the entire family "died" for me anyhow.  

I have talked to my husband too about the "loss" over the would-be adoption and if there is a bio-family out there, how there was some grief for me over that as well. It is interesting adoption is listed in the slides as well.   I had a mammogram operator ask me if my mother or sister had breast cancer and I gave her the honest answer "I don't know". She gave me a very weird look and I felt off.  She pressed me for an explanation but I wish she had not. Remember if I am related at all to my sister or mother, my sister had cancer that was kept secret from me for more then three years. My brother told me she definitely had cancer. Remember in 2013, I was tested for kidney cancer which was negative, obviously the medical neglect boat rides on when it comes to my mother. I was never told what kind of cancer she had. 

Being on health group websites for severe Lipedemics, it was painful to see people even in worse states of my condition, some even totally wheelchair bound and unable to walk, surrounded by loving family members and everyone I saw had relatives with the condition. I had more then a few thoughts how did they get a family and I didn't? There I have a weird mixture of loss for the family I may have missed out on. I know these relatives aren't talking. Keep in mind, one could have shut me up sending a picture of Queen Spider pregnant at the right time, or a photograph that is younger then the 6-8 month year old baby one I have seen. 

I know some of this stuff has been painful for my husband, we had a conversation where I told him, I know you lacked for in-laws, and needed good ones. The majority of my husband's family is dead, WWII killed them, and his parents died on the young side in their 60s. He has only one living sister left in the entire country. There is one distant cousin in Texas and that's it. The adopted drug-addict cousin has vanished and we have not seen her in the streets here in three years.

 I know for advanced no contact, when you are a few years in to get better you do have to accept the ambiguity and the fact there never will be closure. Trying to get closure we know with narcissists is impossible. Questions will never be answered. There will be no meeting of the minds, just gaslighting and lies. Things will not be fixed, and you have to figure out it's not your fault and not spend years and years tearing yourself apart over decisions OTHER people made.

I found it interesting how the ambiguous loss slides spoke of "being frozen". I had struggled with "being frozen"  and even wrote on one message board, "Why can't I get them out of my brain" some time ago.  In the slides, they talk about the "freezing of the grief process", a reference to mental illness is made, narcissism is chosen but NPD is a "mental illness" is it not? Well technically anyway, they do choose to become what they are. [see slide 10 of 31 at the link] It is an infectious one.

I have been able to come out of more of this stuff. It's taken a lot of thought. I started enjoying life more and had some of my depression massively ease up. I still have troubles in other arenas of life but the clouds did start to lift.  It is important to warn ACONS, you may have "ambiguous loss" for the family that never was and the side relationships that were lost. It is important that some solutions for this are offered. You have to be okay with not figuring it all out. You have to get used to the ambiguity. You have to get used to the idea that some answers may never come in this life. 

Random Thoughts about BPD

  Ollie recently did a video on BPD. He calls them "monsters". Now, BPD is on a spectrum like NPD, so some are more malignant then others but since they are Cluster B, the damage to victims can be there. Ollie gets very passionate in this video, I understand why, BPDs can do a lot of harm. The way I personally feel about BPDs is that they are smiling at me while they are stabbing me in the back unlike Queen Spider and other narcissists who would not bother with smiles, and that same feeling of "invisibility" would happen in the room while they sucked up attention like a sponge. Some of his commenters were outraged and admitted they had BPD, and said their problems came out of fear and pain and not wanting to do anyone harm. The BPD issue can be a complex one. I got yelled at by some people diagnosed with BPD for being "unfair" about the disorder. Here I am talking about malignant BPD people too.

Aunt Confused with her multiple personalities definitely was on the malignant BPD wing of narcissism. She would actually refer to me as "her buddy". Yeah the buddy she couldn't be bothered to visit since 1997 as trips to the casino mattered far more. She was one of the worse flying monkeys too.

 BPDS used to fool me because they had smiles for me and some nice words unlike malignant narcissists but I noticed they ALWAYS betrayed me for narcissists, and their issues and problems were always first on the roster.

I had some BPD friends, and those friendships were always very short lived--for some reason I didn't get in as deep with them, I was less prey to them then regular NPD narcissists, probably because I was "boring" to them and didn't add to the narcissistic supply.  Some would use me for a counselor and then just dump me. They were usually the ones who vanished quite quickly in my life or I "felt scared" of them and I vanished first. I had one BPD friend who laughed about dating dangerous men and when she told me about almost getting raped in a parking lot, and letting men she met in the local county jail live with her, I ended that "friendship" of only a few months duration.  BPDs usually love a lot of chaos. Aspies are too dull for BPD people, I noticed most of them passed over me quick to go drink or gamble or to go kiss NPD butt.

I recently had an online friend change personality so much, that I thought an imposter had taken over. For me, this is a giant warning of a BPD or other dysfunction in the room. They run hot and cold. One day you're the best, and the next you're their arch-enemy and can't do anything right. To Queen Spider, I sucked 24-7 but BPDs would love me one day and hate me the next, in some ways that could be even more painful. I did learn I never could depend on malignant BPDs, that's for sure.