Thursday, December 1, 2016

Why Isn't He Fat From Being Unable to Move?

Why isn't he fat from being unable to move?

Maybe he needs to get up and do his 30 minutes of exercise...

Oh yeah sometimes people have health problems....

I mean if moving enough will fix everything, he should be one of the fattest people on the planet being stuck there in his wheelchair.  I get scared of not being able to walk, it keeps me moving around, I know I'd be a thousand pounds within seconds if I ever got wheelchair bound. Why do you think I learned to "take the pain"? After I am on here, I'm taking the bus to the library and downtown to move around some. I have to.

Oh and I've been eating far far less. I have even lost interest in food to a degree, I am picky, I hate a lot of food the food pantries give us and just have no taste for it. Am I losing weight? Not that I can tell.

Anyhow that is a lie that all fat people are lazy. How do you explain all those overweight blue collar workers on their feet at factories or doing plumbing or construction work?

It sounds like his computer voice has changed. I read on a conspiracy website once, it made me laugh that Stephen Hawking was a fake and some disabled guy they got off the street to spout off whatever they wanted him too.  This video almost makes their theory believable. Watching this video, I know a physicist wouldn't know all the ins and outs of medical science, but why can't he take things deeper and ask questions like...

1. Why are people choosing sloth or being less physically active?  For most human history physical activity has been a joy, work was productive, people LIKE moving. Who wants to lay around? What is making human beings more lazy? Depression? Stress of  a sick modern society?

2. Why are people eating supposedly more? Hmm he must not have seen that study I found where they found caloric intake actually had come down. He doesn't even question the hunger cues and why those are skewed. What is getting people to eat too much?

Aren't scientists supposed to ask questions? Why are those two basic ones ignored?

Cortisol? Endocrine problems? Hmm he is just spouting propaganda. You can harangue people night and day to eat less and move more. It's the failed "answer" of 40 years. It's not working on my body and never has. Stephen Hawking has failed us.  He's a bad scientist with this one.

Everyone Knows

A perfect song for the Trump presidential victory. Also a good song to play for Kool-Aid drinkers and believers in the meritocracy. There's something about living in the "real world" and realizing how it operates among narcissists.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

ACONS: Paranoia is Having All the Facts?

I always loved this song.

One of my favorite saying is:

Yesterday something happened where I did worry an enemy did something against me. However I waited before going to battle, to make sure I had the facts down and a clerk had made an error.  Thank God I did. Don't underestimate the human propensity for error. Sometimes I get tired of having to babysit on every score. Can't I just be poor and happy and left alone? Paperwork is the scorn of my existence.

You know if someone gets stabbed in the back often enough, they may flinch a little bit for a while. 

For years, I was told I was paranoid when I questioned my mother. As she gaslighted the hell out of me, I was told even against my what my own eyes and ears that what I saw, or heard did not happen. My father could be present but even he would lie for my mother and change his story if he was there too. She would erase memories as everyone stood there rewriting history for her sake.

Her latest story to the family is that I have gone "crazy" and I left her and dumped everyone else because I am "paranoid".  This is obvious from what my cousin has said to me. He at least believes she is a malignant narcissist but I hope he can see through her lies one day.  I am supposedly some psychotic like a person strung out on drugs below a window shivering in fear, due to my poor "maligned" family. According to her,  I just imagined it all.  I supposedly have "cracked up" and imagined my "persecution" and my brain is so far gone, my imagination has gone "overboard".

 A new jerk today actually showed up and said, "You have wondered if your family has you on a harrassment list?' and then smeared me for being crazy for thinking such a thing. Why wouldn't I think such a thing? All the experiences detailed on this blog where I even got lied to about my father having seizures in front of me as a teen, and you think my family is trustworthy? Why? Unless you are a jerk that always takes the narcissist's side.

The would be state senator lost, just found that out though most likely he will run again. I really do have a family where people were handed 6 figure jobs right out of high school and college. I'm not making it up. They have connections in finance, and government and more. One cousin, works with celebrities and is married to man who has famous people in media listed on his Facebook. If I broke my anonymity I could prove all of this.  Anyhow it's just a theory. Where does the line of "bad luck" end and the line of full out sabotage begin? Why were their fortunes so very different? It's a question anyone's going to ask.  I know I could be wrong but it is a theory that has crossed my mind.

Anyhow if someone wants to take me to task for that, things happened right in front of my eyes. My father was second in command of a government organization. He had a good enough job and position, his retirement warranted an article in the local newspaper. I tried to get a job there when I was in my 20s and desperate and was turned down. While people out of high school were being hired for the good clerking jobs, I was closed out and slunk back to my Arby's job and lay off from my art teaching job and the plastic factories. Yes I could type and had the other needed skills.  My mother got hired there some years earlier in the 1980s and enjoyed a secure middle class income and today's retirement.

 My husband applied in at this government organization in the early 2000s, trying to get more secure benefits.  My mother put him up to it, but it was all an act.  He didn't get any job there or any interview. How foolish we were to think he had any chance of getting in!

One can argue the downfalls of nepotism, I understand, but it's obvious with scapegoats it doesn't work so well. So some sabotage happened right in front of my face. I didn't have to be "paranoid" to fathom that some people were allowed certain securities like a decent income to form a foundation for their lives and others were not. When my husband missed one government job by "one point" at different place, I started wondering what was going on. They didn't have connections there that I know of but looking back of decades of these moments, knowing my life was destroyed when someone always gave a thumbs down. There was too many negative turning on the dime. I've never had a statistics class, but I knew long ago something was "wrong".

Even with the job here, in 2007, when I told my mother he lost the job here after three months in, she said to me, "I knew he would lose that job!" That was a strange thing to say because his time at his two earlier jobs was 5 years and then 3 and half years for the second one. He kept his jobs. What would you think to hear such a thing?

So when I see every little bit of harrassment coming down the road like 20 year old parking tickets, why wouldn't I wonder if it had something to do with my family? I know I could be wrong. It is a theory.  You know a lot of ACONS get called paranoid. I remember my years of trying to tell other relatives as my mother baked chocolate sheet cakes and smiled for company about my abuse, but I was not believed. My siblings learned to deny their abuse and turn into fellow narcissists accepting abuse, coldness and lies as reality while I refused. I was told then I was "paranoid", and "stupid" and "making things up" and that my thoughts were "wrong".

Our friends have remarked on our endless strings of "bad luck". They have told us to our face they are shocked at all these small harassments and endless problems adding up and told us they have never seen anything like it in their lives.  One friend even the other day said to me, "Your husband is so intelligent, I just don't understand what has happened to him". It's gotten to the point where I am scared to get my mail. With the clerking error, the mistake was really bad. She wrote that my husband lived alone, even as I sat there right next to him in her office as he had some medical forms filled out. I told her direct I was married to him. This person has no way of knowing my family but you can see how these things add up.

My husband is not a bum and worked hard. How did he end up so empty handed and pushed down to nothing? He has excellent writings skills and even once got a book published, but nope, we weren't allowed to have a decent life. So am I paranoid to think that the people who had the power to offer me a decent job in my early 20s but refused that and then later for my husband, may be up to no good now? Chances they could care less. They have written me off but there is the chance they are up to no good still. I am a scapegoat they want to see suffer and fail. They don't want me to get ahead. After I thought of the dozens of opportunities, several destroyed right in front of my face, that's not paranoia, that's FACTS. The hoovering ended finally but I don't put anything past sociopaths.

One thing that happened to me and one reason Mrs. Curses and catfish got some inroads is I was taught to ignore my intuition.  Before I figured out I was being betrayed and screwed for sure from both of them, I had thoughts inside my head where I pooh-poohed them and thought, "Don't be so paranoid, Peep". 

There was more then a few times with Mrs. Curses and catfish before I dumped them even early on where I thought bad things about them.  I felt "evil" and didn't pay attention and thought inside I was being "unfair" and "too paranoid".

 Online and on the phone is more complicated. I'm usually so busy trying to "hear" because of my deafness and interpret what people are saying, emotional stuff gets lost. Sociopaths are easier to "see" then "hear" I guess. I thought Mrs. Curses was not who she seemed to be but then I would think "Oh she has been abused, she is really your friend, just be kind and lead her away from the crazy legalisms she has gotten into" and with catfish, she would say these backstabby passive aggressive things where I made excuses, in my head,  and thought I was "being paranoid". I would think "Oh she is bedbound, she is so bad off, you must give her a little room for anger and emotional upsetness". Both ways of thought absolutely screwed me. I should have listen to the thoughts I dismissed as "paranoid".

You know there are a lot of liars out there. Online there's false identities galore too. I can tell when someone is manufacturing an identity online. There's lots of people who even provide their own audience for their own blogs. One I am thinking of was a giant narc-defender. Don't ask me why some are crazy enough to do that. They think they will provide their own traffic and then increase it I guess.  Every blogger is familiar too with people who create false personas. Some are so over the top you know they can't be real. Is that paranoia or just the fact of negative things about human nature?

I wonder about people who get angry and call people "paranoid" for wondering what others are up to. I have noticed to suspect any bad deeds instead of being a willing dupe to every narcissist seems to bring up ire in some people. I figure some are sheltered types who don't like their bubbles popped, while others are up to no good, and don't like it when a nosy person is in their midst. They are the types who get mad whenever someone questions politicians or the system too.

Monday, November 28, 2016

More Peep Photos

I'm still having fun with photography. It does help I live in a scenic area. I like to take camera out and just take pictures at random. It entertains me. I took some cemetary and ruined building photos too, I will share later, I want to add to those. Today I plan to paint an at home still life and hope I can get at home painting going too, following the art class trajectory.

Still Being Harrassed Over Twenty Year Old Parking Tickets

                                               [picture source]

We are still being bothered over the twenty year old tickets. I want my husband to just shred all notices and throw them in the trash and say "Forget it!"" Even the lawyer said it is not a  huge enough amount for them to seek a judgement in our town. It's a huge amount to us though. I'm tired of scurrying around like a monkey for every jerk-off that threatens me constantly. I may be doing legal work again to try and deal with this mess. I may be writing petitions based on the doctrine of laches. I may also write a motion to have it set aside.  This means more money for me because each petition costs at least 20 dollars.

He wrote to get the records of the tickets, and I can tell they hastily scribbled out forms that were not 20 years old because they were all in the same handwriting and looked "new" and looked nothing like the original tickets from the 1990s. Do they think we are stupid? 

What does "responsibility" mean to destitute people? Are our worries going to fix our life? I'm tired of being asked to produce money that is not there! He is afraid of dire outcomes and kept going on about how they'd empty out our bank account and destroy our ability to pay rent. I told him they have to do a judgement first before the bank account is attached.

It scares me too, that America has grown so corrupt, that poor people will be pursued and harassed by lawyers even when there's no money in it for them. We are poor. They are spending money, to get money from people who have none!

Pay Us for Twenty Year Old Parking Tickets

Where Are You on the Clutter Scale?

 It is interesting they have "clutter scales" for hoarders. Double click to enlarge picture.

Housework is hard, I suck so bad at it. I am not a classic hoarder, and do not care about throwing things away, my problem is, I am just very bad at housework. I think I would be a happier person with out it in my life. I am constantly frustrated.

Everything has grit, pieces of crap and endless bits of paper on it. I think hoarders give up, the mess is too big for them to tackle. I have avoided the extreme hoarding level of mess: Our apartment ranges between 2 and 3 on this clutter scale.   2 is after I have cleaned. 3 is it's natural state of being. Our living room is at 3 on this scale today.

Today I threw away magazines, some old open uneaten boxes of cereal, and other junk, the old turkey carcass from yesterday, after putting some leftovers to eat in the fridge and freezer and some old bathroom ripped up rugs. I am always throwing things away. I never get anywhere. The OT therapist I had from a few years ago taught me how to clean out the cupboards and other areas, so it's scary things could be WORSE. It scares me how I constantly do all this stuff and there is nothing to show for it. The apartment still looks bad.

Where I live the city always comes through for "fire alarm" checks. I don't think a hoarder would last long in my town. If you reached 5 or 6, the eviction notice probably would be on your door. I am always panicking wondering what the maintenance men think as they come in here. They gotta to know it's gross, and even though I pour bleach down the bathtub on a semi regular basis, it's not the same as people who can do heavy cleaning.

One disabled building I decided I couldn't move into because there's no bus coverage, actually included a paper that was part of the application, asking your present landlord or building manager how good you are at housework. I am bad at it. That scares me. People in disabled buildings, get even more inspections. Why are disabled people expected to be good at housework?

Are You Fat Because You Don't Do Enough Housework?

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

The Cousin Sent the Videos: Why Do the Good Die Young?

My cousin sent the videos. I was shocked. A promise was kept. As I have written, he is one of the nicer ones, but I wish he would wake up and see what has been done, and see those narcissists for who they are. He and his brothers got love, something others of us were very short in supply of.

The videos consisted of his parents taking super 8 film and others. My father had taken tons of videos but I probably will never get to see them as Queen Spider has possession of everything and no interest in "nostalgia". Maybe when she dies, my siblings will get these old films. It is interesting these cousins, want to look back at their memories, while my siblings could care less. One cousin had transferred all the movies into computer files allowing me to see them.

The films were taken by The Aunt Who Loved Me and her husband at the time. They stretched from her wedding day and included the birth of her first child, and the birth of her twins. One of the twins is the cousin who sent me the videos. He is in his late 30s now. The videos spanned from around 1967-1978. 

Watching these videos was like watching, a sad bittersweet movie you know will have a tragic ending. The life force of my good aunt, was so strong. She was so happy, and sweet. It was wonderful having those cherished memories of her back. For that alone, seeing these videos was wonderful.

 In the videos I can see her humor, and personality, and it brought back many good memories I had with her.  She makes funny faces to make her kids laugh. She is thin and healthy and vivacious.  I am in one video, where she is giving me birthday presents, she has given me a Raggedy Ann doll, some books and maybe art supplies like crayons. It is during the time I lived with her for that short period of time. Remember when I was with her at the age of 5-6 and it was a giant controversy within the family where I asked to stay and I did not want to go home?

In the videos, she is with her babies, and playing with them and you see a non-narcissistic mother who is fierce in her love for her children. Some of that was painful to watch for me, as it was so different from my own childhood but it is how things are supposed to be. She hugs and holds her children. She takes them to skating show and with one gets a Big Bird doll out for him to play with. She brings various animals around teaching one son how to hold a new puppy. She plays games with them, she holds them up in trees, she takes them to the zoo. She puts the twins as babies in the pool.  She and her husband work together in unison, checking out their home being built and in planting their large garden at the earlier home. The oldest brother, I have never seen such a loved child in video. He is happy and smiling and in hours and hours of video there is only one of him crying as he is held by another relative. He is bright and inquisitive too. His brothers, too are happy and secure babies and younger children.  She has married right out of high school, and her husband is handsome but very quiet. He too plays with the children.

Later he will divorce her, and in the scenes where I watched him build the home for her and her first son and the two sons to later come, I think, "How could you divorce someone like that?" but he did, finding someone else. Why did he do it? I don't know all the details but couldn't help having some anger at him. Maybe things would have turned out different.

She would die in 1987 after some years of financial struggle as a single mother, but she always did love her kids, and she was so close to them. She has a love of art that shines forth in the videos and takes an interest in the world around her. That was something I was happy to see. She loved art, nature and parks. She is a very happy person for many years. She is totally unlike my mother in each and every way.

If  I ask myself how I survived intact, seeing this person with so much love to give, it was interesting. I always asked myself how I avoided total destruction or becoming a narcissist myself. The little bit of love I got was from this aunt and Aunt Scapegoat. I was dying in the desert of narcissistic hatred, but would go drink my fill in the presence of these aunts. They had life to them, they had consciences, they were not dead inside like my mother. My two aunts energy's were totally positive. They were good people. They LOVED.

 We lived far away as a kid, but I had time I lived with her and the family visits for a week average once to twice a year. Between 1982-1987, I was visiting more when my family moved to a town 120 miles from hers and would drive down during my first year of college on my own to visit her and her children.

Aunt Scapegoat shows up in the videos, she lives down the street from my other aunt. The Aunt that Loved Me and her husband had built their new house down the street from where my grandmother lived.  Her presence in these videos is mind-blowing, while her negative role in the family has been set, she is smiling, and laughing. She is hopeful about life. She is still has some happiness then. She spends a lot of time with my nephews who live down the street.  I notice my grandmother ignores her a lot in video or seems to sit far away but she is laughing in one segment with one brother.  Her smiles and laughter would disappear more year by year. The last time I saw her she didn't smile once. Seeing and knowing what she later became, was hard. Back then I was close to her, before our relationship was destroyed.

One thing came to mind about Aunt Scapegoat, she got very sick within one year of when the Aunt That Loved me died.  She lived severely disabled until last Feb when she died. This timing was ignored by the family but she never was the same again. Were any of us from that tragic death? I became an atheist the week it happened and went back to a college on lockdown where a girl got murdered outside my dorm. The Aunt Who Loved Me's death never made sense to me. I was told she died with no alcohol in her system. My grandmother emphatic upon this point while later I discovered in a cousin's blog 25 years after the fact they had been told she died while drinking. Why did they tell them that? Was it a driving error? She had driven into a tree. They told me she was driving in an "unfamiliar area" but I looked up the obit years later online and they had the cross-streets of where she died, it was less then 10 miles from her house and an area she had lived all her life. A lot of things didn't make sense to me.

It seems everyone who was "good" died young. Evil lived on to destroy lives, while the people who could love, were destroyed and/or died young. I see my mother as a vampire where people die young around her. Seven people all died at or under the age of 60. Three siblings all under the age of 36 within one family. Isn't something wrong with that picture?

My mother shows up in various spots in the video, once on a shared family vacation where my aunt's family, my grandmother and other aunt and uncles are visiting spots in Washington DC. My mother appears just as mean as I remember her. She never smiles. Even by her early 30s, she appears "old" and "haggard" and her hair is cropped into a "helmet hairdo" and she is dressed in ultra-masculine clothing. Unlike my aunt who wears flowing dresses, and hip pantsuits of the time, my mother is dressed in very mannish clothing, even for the 1970s. I got one still from the video, my mother is angry and glaring at someone from the corners of her eyes. She never smiles. She is not at all like my happy and loving aunts.


Other things I noticed in the videos:

1. My brother and sister and I seem more sad and serious especially in contrast with the cousins. My brother definitely looks like an unloved child and desperate for attention. He seems kind of muted and sad with bursts of "look at me" going from closed down looks to jumping around like a maniac. My mother holds my sister a lot, and I am often ignored.  My sister in personality seems closed down. I pop up in the videos at random times surrounded by some of the nice relatives, but am often ignored and on the peripheral. My sister has serious motor control problems and looks "ill", she is far smaller then me and looks "puny".

2. My grandmother is more engaged with my cousins but then they lived close and not 500 miles away.

3. I am a pretty child. I look far better then they told me. I put some stills up: mostly pictures of my loving aunts, but a few pictures of me are put up. Some of my Facebook friends exclaim about how beautiful I am as a child. What is sad, is by that age I was being told I was fat and ugly.

4. My health seems to change, from the earlier stills, I notice some serious medical problems. One year I look very ill.  My face is extremely swollen and round, I am not yet very obese but my head looks like a giant balloon in this particular instance. My face looks red as well all over. I found myself wondering if I had high cortisol even then, it was the same "moon face" stuff that would happen to me later.

5. There was lots of photos of the inside of my aunt's earlier house, this gave me memories of the time I lived with her and other good times. Her love of art and Indian culture was made apparent in later videos.

6. The culture and times of the 1970s are very apparent in the video, one man at a festival appears in a Nixon mask, another guy at a summer park wears a silver wing outfit while skating. One thing I note is back then there seems to be a lot more hope about life. There is a Joie de vivre in life that is missing now. Even among the relatives, while the narcissists are there sowing their seeds of destruction, there is far more closeness and light hearted moments. People are traveling to visit relatives. While some of my relatives later got wealthier, it seems life in general is more prosperous for the majority. Life seems different and far better and more simple.