Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Authoritarian America: The Path To Tyranny

How Democrats Lost Their Populist Soul

"For most Americans, the institutions that touch their lives are unreachable. Americans get b
roadband through Comcast, their internet through Google, their seeds and chemicals through Monsanto. They sell their grain through Cargill and buy everything from books to lawnmowers through Amazon. Open markets are gone, replaced by a handful of corporate giants. Political groups associated with Koch Industries have a larger budget than either political party, and there is no faith in what was once the most democratically responsive part of government: Congress. Steeped in centralized power and mistrust, Americans must now confront Donald Trump, the loudest and most grotesque symbol of authoritarianism in politics today.

“This,” wrote Robert Kagan in The Washington Post, “is how fascism comes to America.” The nation is awash in commentary and fear over the current cultural moment. “America is a breeding ground for tyranny,” wrote Andrew Sullivan in New York magazine. Yet, Trump’s emergence would not be a surprise to someone like Patman, or to most New Dealers. They would note that the real-estate mogul’s authoritarianism is not new in American culture; it is ubiquitous. It is consistent with how the commercial sphere has developed since the 1970s. Americans feel a lack of control: They are at the mercy of distant forces, their livelihoods dependent on the arbitrary whims of power. Patman once attacked chain stores as un-American, saying, “We, the American people, want no part of monopolistic dictatorship in … American business.” Having yielded to monopolies in business, the nation must now face the un-American threat to democracy Patman warned they would sow."

Trump is an end result of this growing tyranny and authoritarianism. So is Clinton with her being owned by corporate interests. Neither address poor people in America. Populism was killed off in the Democratic party too. Trump wants to bring back Reaganomics and failed 'trickle down' theories of 40 years duration which have led us to the 1 percent growing stronger in power.

Clinton is owned by Monsanto and a wide variety of corporations.

Woody Guthrie and pals would be spinning in their graves to see what has happened today. Steinbeck would not have his book, "The Grapes of Wrath" published but would be informed by his publisher to write a book celebrating wealthy bankers and their troubles. 

I won't argue with anyone about who they are voting for.  I know most who have decided to vote, are doing hold their noses votes from the waif of the Turd Sandwich and Giant Douche. Some want to vote for one to protect their interests and the other for his words against globalism. I don't trust either and do not plan to vote for either. Trump scares me worse then the other one in terms of negative impacts on my personal life. The last thing I look forward to is a CRUSH THE POOR REPUBLICAN in power, we are barely making it as it is.  The Democratic party's rejection of the poor and losing of it's POPULIST SOUL, allowed the Republicans to go crazy with power. 

One thing however this article is correct about the Democratic party losing it's populist soul. I am old enough to remember despite the failings of the Democratic party presently, in earlier decades the Democratic party at least made the attempt to speak of the "little guy" and poor people and supported unions. They spoke of "rights" and "justice".  There are social issues I disagreed with the Democratic party even back then, but there was at least some semblance of speaking out for the working class and others.

This has been replaced with the support for the NDAA and trying to whip up war fever with Russia. Hillary Clinton is a globalist who does not put American interests first. I know people saw Obama, as a "good guy" but all I know personally is over the last 8 years, my disability check got cut to nothing. No COLAS means the checks have grown smaller and smaller. So I do not see the Democrat party as this great behemoth of freedom either. They are in cahoots with the bankers, and same war mongers as the Republican party too. 

As a person who fully participated in the anti-war movement of the early 2000s, the anti-war movement was even destroyed on the left, which to me is a sign of the growing authoritarianism and rejection of populism in our culture.  No one in America really supports those Middle Eastern wars, but they kept running under Obama's sojourn, with our growing national debt. Now the insane want even more wars. Americans do not understand how these wars were planned and how they are NOT in the interest of the average America. The big behemoths want to keep the war machine running. Now the left supports war.

 All the ideals have been thrown away for bankers and corporations. The Democratic party did unload the populists, and shut them out. Bernie Sanders losing to Hillary Clinton would be a core example of this. America is growing more authoritarian and one can see the effects in both parties which BOTH support the police state, wars and endless crack downs and rules.

This has become a nation of rule-followers and conformists who worry more about banker credit scores [slave scores] then actual freedom, justice and a positive future. Everything has grown too big, the companies are no longer personal or owned by small business owners but are huge mega-corporations with globalist interests that supersede any idea of loyalty to any country or region. These same traits apply to the politicians as well.

Trump seems to be touted as a "nationalist" but even that is just a story that is being sold. He preaches America First tactics, but then also claims he will bring "law and order".  Trump doesn't care about the Constitution either, in his support of "stop and frisk" laws. Dictators make the trains run on time and make a big deal of "order". The orange faced man is used to getting his way. He is not someone who will think words like "compromise" and "working things out". 

 The 20 year old parking tickets, is just one small injustice among many but there, that came from a Democratic strong hold. I thought to myself, why has no one in Chicago campaigned against this? Surely I am not the first victim. It seems in America people have given up even making a stand for their own rights. It's something I am noticing. You see a lot of shrugged shoulders and that's just the system. America has become a fearful place. Everyone's too afraid to speak out. People accept crushing bills for health insurance, fines, fees and rules that have grown more and more insane.  That is a sign of tyranny because people fear the "punishments" that await. 

Even Democrats became wealth worshippers and sychophants to the bankers along with their Republican "enemies". The crushing and oppressions have become so manifold, they see no hope and have given up in even speaking out for their own interests. Even this is based in the growing authoritiarianism.

 People literally have been Stock-holmed Syndromed and gas-lighted into supporting more sociopaths. The worship of the wealthy since the 1980s has too reached a zenith with Trump. Trump became a celebrity just for being rich during the "greed is good" days. Doesn't anyone remember this? In authoritarian America, the uber-wealthy are seen as gods. This is one facet of a country that has lost it. Authoritarians want the powerful, wealthy and sociopathic worshipped. Boot-licking is now the norm. Trump can insult women and still get supporters. Clinton can have crimes exposed and even her own husband impeached but she is still deemed a nominee of worth.

In this system, there is to be no mercy, only punishment.  Might makes right. Only money-clean outs by the powerful who offer no breaks. The prisons are to be kept full and used for corporate slavery and those who speak out for prisoner rights or even the new Jim Crow, are called insane.

One reason I am no longer in a church, is the growing authoritarianism of America, has not only taken hold of politics but religion as well. As Smakintosh has talked about, the church system has become enablers for oppression and tyranny. The same enablers for tyranny have taken over in both politics and religion.  I got tired of being told to obey man. Right now the churches are preaching "Vote for Trump!". I left just in time. I could not tolerate this. All of my old IFB members are Trump supporters. 

The churches pushed patriarchy and Romans 13 became one of the most favorite verses of the pastors, in their mis-translation that people are to obey world authorities instead of heavenly authorities, they taught from pulpits absolute obedience to the system. I know in the IFB world I was always seen as a semi-rebel even if I shared in the Christian faith with my fellow church members.

 When they preached war from that church I left from the pulpit, I later had the thought, America seems to be a country now where everything is about smashing and "winning" and crushing opponents and blind obedience. Many seem to support tyranny now.  This is why Trump is a good guy to them worthy of support because Trump wins. He may crush opponents to do so, but he has gained their respect. Half the country wants a "strong man" to "make the trains" run on time and to crack down on the ghettos. No one talks about reforming anything. Everything is about punishment and "crushing enemies".

Too many are too deluded to figure out that what came for the inner cities years and years ago is coming for them, and the court system and justice system has already started their oppressions they reserved for miniority races for all who lack the means to pay their way out of the system. This is why an overtly racist man like Trump can "win". The left pissed off people with their endless nonsense about "privilege" to people seeing their economic fortunes sink and having this reality ignored, and then came in Trump. "Trump will save us!" What an absolute joke. I am not fooled.

I have noticed in my own life, how authoritarianism rules here, "Don't have the money, you deserve to be PUNISHED!" It's funny how so much in America is based in punishment now. Every country that doesn't obey us is to be blown up to smithereens, and every American citizen without a perfect slave score and who doesn't have a full bank account to pay endless fees and fines is to be crushed too. Apartments threaten people with eviction. You are told you will lose your license for one forgotten fine or bill. Fines are doubled and tripled so 15 dollars turns into 200 dollars. Pay late, and the bill gets added to. Economic oppression is just one avenue of a system going full blown into tyranny. Trump will make all of this worse.

The Democrat party in my opinion is part of the problem too. No one there is bothering to speak of more freedom or a better life for anyone. It's just more business and banker and mega-corporation status quo. Readers here know I have no lost love for the Republicans too.

The Republican Party Scares Me

It scares me that we have ended up with two such bad candidates, and Trump is the epitome of a country gone "wrong" where tyranny is growing and worship of sociopaths and "strong men" has increased. 

The Decline of American Society 1

The Decline of American Society 2


Was thinking more about the conversation with the cousin, he's a mixed bag as a commenter said, but he's harmful to me whether in his case he means to be or not. I think about how I was viewed within the family and always blamed and the more I thought about that, I thought, he believed the others about me. He talked to me like I was the "wrong" and "bad" one, putting me in defense mode. Over-exertion was the name of the game in that conversation.  That's how life always was around those people.

Trying to convince someone is a waste of time too. In in his case, I think he honestly wants some kind of connection with me but it's very loaded. One warning flag for us, when dealing with anyone connected to our families, is if you are having to "work" to be validated or scurrying around to "convince" someone, you are already wasting your time. I know I got exhausted trying to open eyes and ended up with very disappointing results. Aunt Denial is a covert narc who used croccodile tears to smear me to this cousin. When you got 4-5 narcissists tag-teaming on you it's bad business.

I was much happier having no contact with the family or any members in it. I was actually doing far better for the first time in years. I have to remember that. My health is still bad but I had gotten too a new relaxation place not dealing with any of them. People who make you feel like you have to defend yourself are bad business.

They all take me back to a terrible place that is hard to describe where I am "seen" as a bad person. I am always in the wrong. The more I thought about his focus on accusations and me treating Aunt Denial badly when it's her that slammed the door in my face. the more I thought, I opened myself up to more hurt and pain. He may admit a few things but even my brother did, they are part of the same sick system.  To them the sick system is "family", to me, the sick system is a bunch of evil people who did everything possible to ruin my life. They love the narcissists, I do not. 

To be this old and still seen as the "worm" is hard. When you are around people who make your self esteem drop like a rock, it's time to get away.  I don't think keeping any relationships in the "family" will ever be possible. Even after Queen Spider dies, there's too much water under the bridge for me to ever reconnect with any. Once people had their chance to treat you right and then forfeited it, it's over.

In my regular life, I am tired of being judged, and have cut that out of my life. Why take it from those people? Even his words about me being "paranoid" and judging Aunt Denial wrong, who constantly turned away from me, told me who he believed. I could hear the words of my mother in his voice. His response to my would be adoption, since he was told about my genetic disease, is odd too, and I believe the influence of narcissists who told him I am paranoid and a liar. He is thin and extremely healthy and I look nothing like him. This is someone who can hike in the woods for miles.

He ignored things I said about abuse over being closed out for illness. More and more I have understood completely that how they allowed a very disabled woman to be treated was sickening. Their pressure demands for an Aspie to fully conform to their technocrat personality ways was sickening as well.

Sometimes I feel weird trying to tell so many people in the faux family my "side of the story" and not being believed. The ones who even admit I was abused and continue to be, are not safe either, as they still believe the narcissists even if they admit a few "bad behaviors" or maybe the narcissists convinced them inside I deserved to be abused.

I'll wait and see if I get the video for now but I have realized it is very important I maintain full no contact from my entire family for my health and well-being. The ACON spokespeople, Ollie, Luke 17:3 ministries and others who warn that anyone who is in contact with your abusers is harmful to you, are absolutely right.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

If They Have Contact With Your Abusers, It's Not Good

I wish I could get Ollie  Matthews in on this case, but I don't have any money to donate.  Ollie is good about hacking through the narcissistic fog. This conversation confused me.  Please translate if you can. I will share my thoughts below. 

I had a recent conversation with a cousin that bugged me. In it he tells me I am "paranoid" for asking him if he was a flying monkey for my mother.  This was the same response another cousin gave me if you remember.

Yeah I let one in back under the door.  I made a huge mistake. This cousin volunteers with wildlife and seems like a nice guy. I felt bad about not talking to him so much. He is the cousin who came to visit in 2014 for an afternoon. He is the cousin who reached out to Aunt Scapegoat before she died, so I have a more forgiving attitude about him then the others. Maybe it's getting me in trouble. I had ghosted him on Facebook with a few others but that is where he contacted me. 

The other week, he sent me a video still of me at 5-6 years old next to the Aunt Who Loved Me. It was the time I was living with my aunt, and these were happy memories. He was not born yet, and his older brother shows up at around 6 months old. His mother is there smiling at me. He has promised me a copy of this video. I fell for it and talked to him really wanting the video because of those good memories. I put important comments in red.

So am I paranoid? Do My Feelings Make Others Feel Bad?

Let me share the conversation on Facebook, I had with him. Like him, I am trying to make the attempt, I did with my brother which failed to open his eyes. Maybe I do that too much. He came to me first to show me the video still. My accusation concerns me wondering if he is a flying monkey. His response is that I am paranoid.

He promised a copy of the video but then I didn't hear back for a few weeks. He went on vacation in the last couple days. I wonder if I had been "had" or if he had contacted me at the behest of my mother.  It's like I have to deaden enough emotions to deal with these people as it is. He is in computer IT, and is one of my relatives who got a very good 6 figure job right out of college.


I want to ask you something direct, when I told you about bad things that happened to me, or about relatives who treated me wrong, why don't you respond?
It is rather invalidating.
Do you not believe me?


Peep continued:

 I feel that way when I talk to you. You sometimes will say and do nice things but even here, I worry you only contacted me at the behest of my mother.
I find myself thinking "Will he send that video, maybe maybe not, he is on vacation"
You ignore a lot of what I write you, so I think why bother. I got the same close out in general from the entire family.
I suppose everyone has believed my mothers lies. Please don't contact me for my mother again.
and if I am wrong, there's a reason people in the family don't trust each other. There's so many liars.
Your trip looks fun I have enjoyed the pictures.
Our communication won't work if you are too afraid to say anything to me. I can tell you are desperately afraid of saying anything "bad" about any relatives.


My Cousin: 

I don't contact you on the behest of anybody but myself.
Sorry I don't always respond right away, or at all. Sometimes I get distracted with other things, sometimes I forget.


 I hope you are telling me the truth.
I had another relative promise me pictures and then told me
Oh your mother told me not to send them.
I know I get busy too.
I need to know
Do you believe me
when I tell you about my mother
because if you do not
I will walk and leave you in peace then

My Cousin:

I do believe she mistreated you (and continues to do so)


Thank you
The family stood by and watched her treat me like that for years.
you are young so I do not hold you responsible.
younger then me.
Do you understand why I do not have contact with some others who are older?

My Cousin: 

I don't think you are adopted. I think you are paranoid (and it is uncomfortable when I am the target of your paranoia) - but that is the result of not having the parenting you deserved.

I am not paranoid, that is what you have been told about me
If that is your true feeling about me [....]
this worries me.

My Cousin:

I understand you not wanting to maintain ties to people that looked the other way when you were being abused.


My mother has used others as flying monkeys in the past. I was not sure in your case
It is hard to know who to trust.

My Cousin:

That's kind of a funny analogy, as messed up as it is!


Thank you for understanding me not wanting to maintain ties with people who looked the other way.
It is best term for it.

My Cousin: 

I hope you don't isolate yourself. The whole world isn't against you. However, I think your feelings make people uncomfortable sometimes - and they might invalidate you to maintain their own "reality" (with a small r).


I was isolated by our family first. I was left out and cut off by other people.  [.....]
My feelings are valid, some may think oh why doesn't she let the past be the past
but the abuse continued to the very day
I walked away

My Cousin: 

About a year ago I was talking with [Aunt Denial], and she told me about a conflict you two had and how she cried about it afterwards - she felt like she was being unfairly accused. And I think you told me that you wrote her off. I can brush off accusations, but some people give up.

Peep: {here I discuss aunt's manipulations, those were definitely croccodile tears or made up--when I went NC with her she had told me she was too busy to write me as detailed on this blog and she never responded to my answer.}

My Cousin: 

I was just trying to make the point that you have made me hurt and uncomfortable with accusations, and that one other person (Aunt Denial) has told me she felt the
 same way. I let it roll off my back. But other people may just turn their back and shut you out. Which sucks. And I don't want to see that happen within the family.


You really were ignoring my statements, maybe letting it roll off your back without any malice to it all
which is why I kept in conversation with you
but with Aunt Denial, I did not give false accusations
it was reality.

My Cousin:

I know I've felt guilty in the past for not getting back to you. And feeling guilty is unpleasant, and it's human nature to go into a place of avoidance (i.e. I don't want to contact Peep, because I feel bad about not getting back to her, and I don't want to feel bad, so I'll just put it out of my mind...).

That's a cycle I've tried to become mindful of in myself, and face head on (at least sometimes)


I dont mean to make people feel guilty, the fact you can feel guilt gives
you one up above several family members
I believe they never feel guilt so you see what you get. LOL

I am just trying to air things out here...

[discussion of narcissism, shared Smakintosh's video "Narcissists Subvert Entire Families", he brings up a relative who ignored him]

My cousin:
But I realized that with him, I was letting my resentment make it impossible for that relationship to heal. The relationship couldn't get better as long as I held on to such resentments. (And it sucks that your mother is so sick , you can't ever have a good relationship with her -- you're best off without contact)

Yes since your father has a conscience, you could heal the relationship, he was merely not thinking or focusing on other things, etc. You could have the relationship heal.

[discussion ends here, he promises me a copy of the video, take care etc]


Some thoughts I am having.....

1. I noticed he focused on his discomfort and the discomfort of the family over "my emotions". This is not someone I harangue but probably have a talk to 5-6 times a year. Remember he contacted me first and this discussion came later.

2. It bothers me how he told me my emotions bothered him and others. When he referred to "reality" small R, it sounded like he knew I was upsetting people via some truthful confrontations but there was also this message, "your feelings make people feel bad". 

2. It scares me how Aunt Denial told him she cried. I told my husband how this conversation and he said, "There is no way Aunt Denial cried, she didn't care that much about anything. I can't even imagine the woman crying at all." I suspected her of being a narcissist too though more covert in this case, but now this is huge evidence she is a horrible manipulator. Aunt Denial when I went no contact did not respond to me or say "I am sorry, or "Can we talk?" She had shoved me away multiple times. The idea that she would be crying her eyes out over me is foreign as crazy. This tells me that there has been severe manipulation from that angle too.

4. I heard the comments about the avoidance of guilt from another cousin.  Now this may be an Aspie blind spot, but doesn't guilt push people to action or to "fix the problem"? I have gotten behind on emails with friends and phone calls but don't avoid them as the answer to that problem.

5. He admits the abuse which is a further step then others, but he has kept contact with my mother. I forget who it was, but one ACON writer and spokesperson said, "Never trust anyone who keeps contact with your abuser". It may have been several I heard this from.

6. He tells me not to isolate myself. What is that all about?

7. I feel like crap whenever I talk to any of them. It is hard to even explain. He at least is one that admits a few things, but I am on the fence on how to proceed with him. The whole matter is depressing. The others have obviously lied and manipulated him like Aunt Denial.

8. What scares me is he mentions "accusations" like I call him up screaming he did something wrong, every minute. The only accusation I've ever given him is the one you see above, that he contacted me on behest of my mother.

They are colder and clinical people I can't talk to. This one may have emotions but he is definitely someone I won't make a habit to open up to.

I made too many mistakes here, I JADED, I opened up to someone who has contact with my abusers. He may not be a "bad" person like them but he is definitely influenced by them and in their fog. That can bring harm to an escaped scapegoat in itself.

 I have kept him on my Facebook to even tell me when deaths occur in the family and he is the one who informed me of Aunt Scapegoat's death and my brother did too, but I no longer have contact with my brother.

I think some scapegoats, there is that feeling of knowing no matter what you say or do, you always "lose" and with all of them too. I allowed my emotions to sway me wanting a copy of the video of me with my loved aunt almost taking a step back in my recovery.

I had felt better since going NC from the family. He revived old feelings in me of low-self worth and blame and I realize whenever I talk to any of them while in this case he admits my mother's misdeeds, I am always the one in the wrong and have "emotions" that are bad and wrong too all these people.  That is one thing I have noticed with all of them how they tell me I am always wrong.

He oddly got himself involved in my adoption questions, I had asked him if he ever heard anything and before he told me he went around asking everyone and they told him I wasn't. I never asked him to do this. He seems almost overly adamant about that issue because I had admitted to him I did not know either way. Whatever the rhyme or reason, I have to stay away. They make me feel bad and upset. ALL OF THEM.

Any opinions will be welcome here.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

This Blog Has Hit A Million Views!

Time to celebrate the million milestone! Yes the blog is 6 years old, but I do think that isn't such a bad number. I feel happy to have been able to share and write the things I have over the years, talking about obesity in an honest way, Lipedema, being an ACON and the many variables of the "fivehundredpoundpeep" life. Queen Spider wouldn't like how much this blog has been read, but I am thankful for all my readers. :)

Pay Us for Twenty Year Old Parking Tickets!

Chicago what a grand place. NOT! Chicago is a psychotic money-grubbing place where the evil rule the day. If anyone wonders why America is undergoing moral and economic collapse, here you go! Why are Americans so pissed off and angry? Being crushed every second does bad things to your morale!

Yesterday while my husband laid moaning in bed with very bad gout unable to walk, and I was fetching him food and other things, and we discussed even taking him to the ER, but he held out to go to the doctor monday, he told me to go get the mail, so I did while taking the trash out on my walker.

In it was a notice from some low-level Chicago lawyers demanding 456.00 dollars from parking tickets datedback to 1997 and 1998! Is that psychotic or what? In Chicago even if you parked legally, they'd give you tickets, it happened to me.

I had my own problems with them hunting me down like a dirty dog wanting tickets money. My husband says the city must be going under to be this desperate in seeking funds. In 2004 or so, I was forced to pay for 11 year old parking tickets and it cost even more. There was no statue of limitations nothing, even Legal Aid threw me to the wolves. If anyone thinks America is a "free country", don't make me laugh. They even tried to take my license away in another state because of Chicago but I was able to pay it off back then.

We have declared bankruptcy since then so have a get-out clause on these parking tickets, but that means more time making copies and writing legal letters, I don't want to do.  Yes, the bean counters are tracking down 20 year old parking tickets. We don't even remember getting these tickets or even if they are legit. In Chicago, they loved to do things like tow legally parked cards and give your legally parked car tickets. It is a really corrupt place. Getting out of there was the best decision we ever made.

Update: 10/25/2016

Sometimes for the sake of martial peace one backs down. I was ready to start war at home over this. I am ready to punch a hole in the wall.

He says he will pay them if they provide copies and plans to call the bankruptcy lawyer.
Supposedly Chapter 7 may not cover them.  Its a large amount of money over 400 dollars too.

I think we should refuse to pay on principle. He is worried about his license being taken away which I understand. I even said, "Call the media, these people should be embarrassed!"

They are twenty years old, well one is 19 technically, but come on, there's crimes on the books where the statute of limitations is far less. I am so disgusted, I feel like throwing up. I have never been so angry. I got tortured over 11 year old parking tickets back in 2004. I paid them off at great stress and expense. It was over a thousand dollars. Many of them weren't even legit  and I had no memory of them but I was too sick and far away to go to Chicago to fight in court. They quadruple tickets if you don't have money within three months.
I got mad and yelled at husband, "I don't even have enough underwear or food, screw their parking tickets!" I then told him, we are going to demand copies in writing. I am hoping they can't find the copies, to prove the tickets. We don't even think they are legitimate. I tried to get medical records from Chicago that were 15 years old and they didn't have them.

I then bit my tongue and left the room because I was about to lose it and fighting with him is not going to solve any problems. If I one day take to the streets and just go live in the woods nameless, rip and shred every bill on the planet, then the rest of you will understand why.  It wouldn't have been tolerated 25-50 years ago. Well maybe they are going after some guy for 50 year old parking tickets but he's been buried in the cemetery for 30. We made peace later.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Latest Painting and Painting Class

They had us do a quick study of a copper pot with a limited palette at my art class. I enjoyed doing this painting and have begun a still life based on the limited palette adding one more color of ochre.
It is interesting to me how I can get lost in painting. Some of those pundits would call it the flow where you work on something with such concentration time passes by very quickly.

When those moments can be found in life they are much more enjoyable. When I find a scanner I still plan to do something with the 140 pages of the comic, but I applied for the art scholarship, knowing I needed structure to get back into my painting. I always have loved this art center, I took a drawing class in it in 2009 and never miss a show there. Here is our classroom and a picture of the edge of my glass palette.

They are reviewing basics with me that are helpful such a color theory. There is always something new to be learned. When I took the class I did not tell them I used to be an art teacher, all skill levels are welcomed. The sub art teacher yesterday said, "You definitely seem to be someone with some past painting experience". I didn't talk not even then. I didn't want the pressures in case I flubbed something up. There's one elderly lady in there who has a unique painting style and I think she is experienced too from what I can tell.  I would like to paint something that could get into a show, since I have only done DIY shows and want to sharpen up some skills.

Having an art studio would be great, it's far easier to paint in a place where you can clean up and not worry about spilling paint on the carpet. Anyhow I am having a lot of fun in this painting class.

Feeling Like Deer in the Headlights Way Too Often: Now How Do We Change It

How does one make real money?

1. Don't be disabled.
2. Don't be a scapegoat
3. Don't be nearly deaf and fat.

I hate that deer in the head lights feeling. Every time we get sucker punch emergency, I run around scrambling in my mind.  This time the battery died on our car. We will be able to get it fixed but for people like us, that is scary business.

I used the  Dial A Ride bus to get where I had to go, during the week by myself , my goal of getting more independence that way has come true.

 My husband nixes all my ideas to fix things.

Peep: "Let's get rid of almost everything and  move into a rental room or boarding house and hoard what little money we got!"

He then reminds me, "your medical equipment even without your hospital bed would fill up most small rental rooms".

Peep: "When I was single I ate cold beans out of the can and ramen noodles, and lived in boarding houses."

He responds: "You can't live that way now and you know it."

I then realize, "I am not neat enough for most normal people to tolerate!" I am too Aspie and piss roommates off without meaning to. 

and most rental rooms have STAIRS.

Then we have the discussion, "Maybe we should find someone to move in with to take the pressures off!"

I then say, "That breaks my adult rule of never living with anyone, at least if we get a roommate we would be the ones in charge!"

Your sister would boss us around, she would own us!  I can't be a mooch and have people boss me around. I hate her huge city! She rented an apartment with a steep double stair case I could never do where all the bedrooms are. 

Peep: "Lets get a disability apartment then!"

Peep's Husband: "We were 500 dollars over the cut off last year for 2 people, 

Peep: "well make less this year," [felt dumb saying this]

Peep's husband,  "no we need all the money I can make"

Peep: This rent is costing two thirds of my disability check. [he pays the other bills]

 Peep's husband: "They'll punish me and raise the rent every-time I make more money. It's not exactly a motivator.  It will be only a 100 under what we pay here for exactly half the size"

We have visited the disabled apartments so know what they look like. They aren't thrilled about self employed people happening by.

Peep: "Maybe we should move back to our old town, the rent is cheaper, or move to an even more rural area"

Peep's Husband: "There's no free clinic there for me, there's no charities. We were working class when we lived there.  You will lose your lymph therapist, dentist and house call doctors. "

Peep: "We can't move away from the Dial-A Ride territory. Our car is too old too. The bigger cities are more expensive and the rent would be 50 percent more. " This town has a PACE program I want to enter too. [this is program for disabled and elderly that keeps you out of the nursing home. I know the future of where my body is going]

Peep's Husband: "The bills are crushing us. You gotta do something about those medical bills, we can't afford the almost 100 in payment plans you got going"

Peep: "I have to pay them or they will put me in collections. I don't know what to do. Every option I think of stinks or my health can't tolerate it. Should I get my mammogram done, that will be 17 bucks co-pay."

Peep's Husband: Get that done.

Peep: "I am out of money, can you give me three dollars to take the bus to art class Thursday?" [I got the art class for free basically-scholarship application]

Peep's Husband: "Yes, I made 20 dollars transcribing, I transferred in. It should be here tomorrow.

and so it goes....

This area is charitable at least, the food coop basically has bailed us out big time in being able to eat. They will give us decent foods like organic bread, bran cereal, and meat! Meat is very rare at food pantries, so joining that food co-op has helped my life.  They gave us a roast beef. The last time I bought a roast beef and made it was 2002.  Our old town didn't have near as much charity as this place.

This place has churches with community dinners and we have gotten other help here.  Getting an art class and having free book clubs to go to is other bonuses. I have gotten better at getting help, I was on the waiting list for the food co-op for almost a year. Don't want to give that up.

I have told him we need to hold on to our apartment too, it is safe and quiet and one can't take that for granted. I am praying we don't get a huge rent increase. Life for the poor is not easy. I know my husband is getting worn down and stressed out a lot. We consider having him reapply for disability but he is in the nether reasons, too old and sick to get hired for a regular job or to keep it, but deemed too healthy for full disability. I certainly don't want him as bad off as I am. His gout is worsening. When he gets a bad attack, I walk better then him.

Sometimes I wish I knew other poor people just to know how to survive and WHAT IS NORMAL? Does that sound strange? Maybe not. We talk to some acquaintances in the inner city we definitely relate to far more in terms of economic survival. Trying to survive poverty or figure out what to do is like a puzzle, I have not been able to solve for years. Some may see success in avoiding being homeless.  We need to reach out to more fellow poor people.  When people fall down the ladder like us, it is hard to know what is "normal", how do others manage it. It's like a whole territory of unknown information and unspoken ways.

Sometimes part of my mind wonders how the narcissists got so rich. I know many of them steal everything that isn't nailed down. I wonder even how my mother afforded two 50,000 dollar cars within the last three years. She got her big insurance pay-out in 1998, with all her shopping it seems she would have run out of money but in my world narcs never do. The rest are traveling to Europe and buying vacation homes. It was mind boggling to watch. They never taught me how to live life that way. If I had money I would never waste it the way those people do.

I don't mind a more simple life, for me my desire is just to live without the fear and stress. I sometimes just want to say to husband, "look just accept it." If we end up in the streets, I don't want to be crying the rest of my way through life. I am disabled enough, that if society is standing they have to put me in a home of some sort. [I think] 

One day I got frustrated and yelled, "Lets call the social workers now, and tell them to put us both in a group home!" Let others worry for us!" He thinks I am being melodramatic at these times. I know I have to cool it on my end too at times. He worries about money 24/7. It gets to me. Sometimes I just want to go through a day and not think about money.  I am bad enough worrying about it, obviously from my blog, but he worries even more in a way. Every dime is calculated at every second. He checks our bank account daily to see what is in there even if it is 3 dollars which is where it is at about now.

I have told him maybe we need to adjust our view towards money and life.  Just go through life and live each day. Our panic and fear is making things worse. Chances are barring a Lotto win, we are going to be this poor for the rest of our life. We need to keep life simple and give up some expectations. I was thinking about this while waiting for the bus. It sucks feeling like the mooch and feeling the burdens of worrying people hate you for being poor or always in need but at this point we can't do anything about it. Say thanks to people who help us at the charities and just go on with life.

He is still "driven" and was raised to "succeed" and I know this has taken a toll on him, he grew up a very gifted writer and student expecting better things for his life. His family was lower middle class but a kind of life was detailed for him that did not happen. In my case, I was raised around upper middle class people and wealthy people who had jobs and massive connections. Life simply went by the script for these people. I need to write the connection article soon too just to show you how extreme things were. I was given expectations about life that did not pan out. There's a point where for your happiness you have to adjust expectations. 

I even have thought, why cry and scream and get depressed even if the worse happens? If I die sitting next to a tree in the woods, God will have me. My rent is paid so that's not a concern presently.  I am burnt out. I know one of my personality traits married to resourcefulness and the drive to prepare can actually work against me in the worrying about poverty. I try to pre-plan for all scenarios and a person can drive themselves crazy. While this has helped me, in that I get needs met, it can work against me too.

With my husband, he had a newspaper career and more, he thought would pan out to something better. Even now he seems to dream of a "better future" and is trying to write a book with a partner, that actually was granted publishing already. He has that strange marriage of being "driven for success" but having ended up in poverty, sometimes that can be a bad mixture for someone. It's weird to watch someone work so hard even after all this.

I wish I could figure things out, or how to fix this all, well I have tried for years to figure it all out. I supposedly have a higher IQ, but it's not when it comes to making money.  I can't control it and I'm sick of trying to fix it and beating my head against that brick wall.  Adjusting expectations means more happiness, but we need to figure out what to do about the fear factor.  I know this is a major left over from our Chicago years.

Peep Writes about Being Poor