Friday, July 24, 2015

Fat Acceptance in Australia

Some of this video is right about wanting fat people to be happier, but as you know I have posted my reservations about HAES and disagree with many aspects of it. I have read Fat Heffalump's blog before. Yoga is not something I am into.   They are correct about standing against the discrimination and negative "surveillance" of fat people but my beliefs about HAES remain the same.


Zines are very creative. In the 1990s, I collected zines, and even Fatso!? was among their number. Temp Slave was probably my most favorite. Fact Sheet Five would tell me about new zines I could order.

 Even writing this blog is kind of an outgrowth of my zine experiences where one takes personal life and writes articles about it. My favorite zines were always the personal life ones where people talk about things they had gone through.. Is there any wonder why my favorite comics was American Splendor written by Harvey Pekar?

At a store in a huge city specializing in alternative magazines and zines, I even recently purchased some health zines where people detailed living life with chronic illness.  I know blogging slowed down zines somewhat as the Internet took over but it's back in a big way. My husband had a zine--which specialized in music in the mid-1990s, I co-wrote at least one article in it. It lasted for a few years but was a very good one. Very soon, I'll attending a zine fest.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

False Forgiveness is a Trap with Malignant Narcissists

                            [picture source]

Us ACONs are told to forgive.

Many of us already did and how can I say this? It failed.

Forgiving a Narc is just another way to get your heart broken and your face slammed down into the ground.

In 2002, I became a  born again Christian, and I remember thinking at the time, I need to make relationships "right" and I decided to "forgive" my mother.  After all the Bible says "Honor your mother and father." After all Jesus preached we are to forgive. Of course most of the pastors ignore the part about the wicked repenting to receive this forgiveness.

I found it interesting in one of the psycho comments, one line was "I don't forgive the unworthy". You can't really forgive someone who doesn't think they have done anything wrong.

At the time, I sought to understand my mother and thought to myself, she had a hard time growing up on the farm. She had a husband who yelled way too much. She had siblings who died. I also convinced myself of this line of thinking, maybe she is very reticient and hides her true emotions inside. In other words, manufactured depth of hidden emotions became my fantasy world about my mother.  The coldness I faced was too hard to even tell myself the truth about.

Sure for years I knew, "My mother hates me", but I blamed myself for that hate and sad to say even into my 30s at that time, I was still in that fog.

Even in my cartoon diaries and journals during those years I wrote things like, "I wasn't the best daughter, she couldn't deal with me" blaming myself for being fat, for being so different. By 2000, I found out about my Aspergers and told her.  I thought it would open the door for greater understanding. That she would realize what I was facing. Ironically that year my brother's son, was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism which is a notch below Aspergers on the spectrum but this changed NOTHING. There was no new understanding. There was no desire to even try to understand Aspergers but then the same applied to my medical health.

How many of us are told we are wicked for having anger towards our abusers? Even in the world of forgiveness most will take up for the estranged parents of no contact. They will tell the ACON they are "unforgiving" and that we "hold grudges". Remember my first no contact? I was guilted into coming back and told I needed to reconcile and to be a "nice" person. To be sure, after my two years of NC now, they are saying I am the one who is cold. No one will hold her responsible. The majority sadly will defend the narcissists.

Forgiveness is often a hammer used upon the head of ACONS. "Why haven't you forgiven your parents?" "Why do you hold grudges?" "Why are you so unforgiving?". No one will ask the narcissists, "Why don't you apologize?", "Why are you so mean?", "Why are you so cold?"  So at that time I gave in and decided to "forgive". I decided to be nice and kind to my mother. I made her a glass painting of flowers. I would come and visit. I tried to ignore as much meanness as possible even being disinvited from some family events. I had the false belief that my husband would move up in his newspaper career and some stability would return and she would be more accepting and no longer embarrassed over us being poor and would treat us better.

 I still believed that I may even be diagnosed with something they could cure and regain my life at that time. 2002, I had lost over 200lbs from 1999-2001 from near 700lbs all the way down to 450lbs. [I was 480 two years ago and 508 last week--I have fought the same 100lbs over and over since that time] The family didn't like that I was still so fat but obviously knew I was losing weight. I had hope back then that maybe one day my mother would love me. How sad.

This is one reason, the events of 8 years ago, where we sunk back into poverty hit me so hard. Back then I had escaped the ghetto and saw hope for my future even if my health was very poor still.

One weird day on the way home from visiting I even gave her a hug that was not returned, her bony shoulders remaining rigid, to my attempts of kindness. She never had given me a hug in her entire life. I stepped back. It was an uncomfortable moment that remains with me that brought with a nervous laugh and getting away as fast as possible. Do people who don't even want our love even deserve our forgiveness too? Think about that one.

What did the "forgiveness" of that time mean? It meant nothing. It was like "forgiving" a brick wall. She had no concern for my feelings. In 2001, one of her best friends told me that my weight disgusted her. Trust me if you are still fat you can drop hundreds of pounds and it doesn't matter. Times back then were only better then that instead of being left to die in the ghetto, I did get a bit of help with used cars and car repairs but no one ever paid our monthly bills but us.  Of course I would find out later this was resented. Even then I would have inklings, she just didn't want to see me on her doorstep as the world stayed her financial oyster and the world seem to conspire to shove me and my husband under the highway underpass. There was no real change or remorse or her even reaching out to me in an emotional or other way.

Spiritually I am in a different place then I was back then. I was trying to be what I thought was a "good" Christian, and doing what I thought I was supposed to. However I had been given false information. I did not know enough of the Bible to know the verses about departing from evil or what "seared" even meant yet.

I was very sincere then in my seeking forgiveness but the me today would ask "Why lie to God?" I'm in the place now where if I did a whole "forgiveness" act, God would know I was a liar. It would also be saying how I was treated was okay. It was not. It was evil and needs stood against. I would be a hypocrite to condone the behavior and ongoing machinations since I have gone NC.

 I also changed my mind theologically, I believe one reason evil is so rampant is no one stands against it, they want it enabled and immediately forgiven even if there is no repentance. We live in the days where churches and others say "Forgive the wicked!", but no one calls for the wicked to repent. Ever see a flying monkey or one of those enablers or silent bystanders do it? I sure haven't!

That's a huge problem.

Today we have many famous people who use the currency of false forgiveness to continue with evil deeds.  Forgiveness given to a person who isn't sorry really is meaningless, its like vapor in the wind, a fart in the hall. It dissipates into nothing. What did my "forgiveness" mean? It meant nothing. Even for those who may theorize that my forgiveness was for my own good, it did not accomplish good for me but just opened me up for more evil. It put me in a vulnerable place. It allowed me to be squashed even more.

I believe false forgiveness actually can give more power to narcissists to hurt and commit more evils.

Some years ago, I discovered this article, and it blew my mind. It also woke me up.

Forgiveness-Not Necessarily What You Think

"In Luke 17:3, Jesus tells us very clearly that we are to forgive someone who sins against us IF he repents.   God does not want us to continue to be abused, in fact, we are told to shun evildoers ( Some examples are Psalm 37:9, Psalm 119:115, Matthew 18:17, Titus 3:10-11, 1 Corinthians 5:1-5.  See the article "No Forgiveness For The Unrepentant" under this heading on the left menu for more).  But if there is true repentance (see Helpful Definitions), the Lord does want us to forgive."

That was the part of the equation missing.

Both have to exist for true forgiveness to be there. Spiritually I have to obey God not to avenge myself. We are to hand the narcissists over to Him to deal with but false forgiveness? I would be just fooling myself.  I had forgiven before and it had failed. Now I know why. We cannot control what other people do. We are not spiritually responsible for them or their decisions. We can only control ourselves.  I understand those who warn of harboring hate in one's heart and who warn of it eating someone up inside but false forgiveness and playing pretend isn't going to work either. Too many people are told to forgive abusers who have no interest in ever repenting. The course of action then is to depart from evil and have nothing to do with it. We don't owe our abusers anything, certainly no more of us kneeling before them and offering them gifts they will shred to pieces in front of our eyes.

Maybe some will define forgiveness as letting go of the pain and making sure not to let one's self get eaten alive so I understand it from that perspective but even there, this is a process that each person will have to do in their own timing. Too many judge people who are hurting who are begging to God to free them from the hurt in their heart. I have prayed to God to allow me make the right steps here. It's not easy and is very complex. I hope for more peace one day but I also know what I have been dealing with.

Smakintosh made some good videos dealing with this issue too.

Is Forgiveness Unconditional?

The Two Levels of Forgiveness-Forgiving the Narcissist

False Forgiveness can play into the narcissist's hands too as they exploit and manipulate those with consciences to offer them their forgiveness as shown in this video:

This is the trap I fell into.

Make Good Art

Neil Gaiman’s Graduation Speech Turned Into A Comic

When life is hard, make good art, see the rest of the comic at the link above. :)

Dieting Fails

Dieting Fails, so why don't they look for other solutions? The definition of insanity is continuing to do what does not work. Notice the severe obesity numbers.

Low Chance of Obese People Recovering Normal Body Weight

"The chance of an obese person attaining normal body weight is 1 in 210 for men and 1 in 124 for women, increasing to 1 in 1,290 for men and 1 in 677 for women with severe obesity, according to a study of UK health records led by King's College London. The findings, published in the American Journal of Public Health, suggest that current weight management programmes focused on dieting and exercise are not effective in tackling obesity at population level." See too: Americans Aren't Dieting Anymore

Saudi Arabia's Burger Boom... and Obesity Epidemic

Isn't it weird how American food always fattens people up? Saudia Arabia is not a poor country, they always had plenty of food in the last 50 years. So why when food comes from here, it fattens people up? Growth hormones in the meat?

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Rebel Without A Cause

Jim's new friend Plato says this:

"What's he like?

I don't know.

You have to get to know him.

He doesn't say much.

But when he does, you know he means it.

He's sincere.

Well, that's the main thing. "

and Jim's new girlfriend says this later in the film:

"I'm sorry that I treated you mean today.

Don't believe what I say when I'm with the rest of the kids.

Nobody acts sincere. "

Believe it or not I had never seen "Rebel Without a Cause" before, so I watched it today for the first time. It was a good movie and I can see why it is a classic. In the past two years, I have been watching every old movie I missed.

These two bits of dialogue stand out to me.  You can tell the character Jim despite his faults and fights is seeking after integrity and some sincerity in life. Those around him don't like the sincerity and I found myself thinking about the character and his history of fights and bullying and how that plays out today where people who refuse to "save face" and are sincere and mean what they say, often get in more trouble in society. In other words the "fake" people rule, and get angry at those who want to be real or sincere.  I found the character Plato fascinating too, as he was very troubled from being abandoned by both parents.

The movie definitely seems to portray an emasculated father who is an enabler to a narcissistic mother but at least stands up for his son in the end. The earlier scene where Jim begs his father to stand up for him is especially poignant. I had confrontations like that with my father. "Why won't you ever stand up for me?" I remember even once telling my father in my mid teens, "My mother does not love me at all!" and getting in a huge argument with him over it . He repeated "Oh your mother loves you" over and over as if he had to convince himself.  He didn't want to admit the truth.

Yes I consider my mother worse then my father which some may be shocked by here. He had the rage but she had the cunning. Unlike my mother, my father would show a human side every once in a while. Often times it confused me, I may write about this soon.  I often wonder who he would have been without the influence of my mother or what our relationship would have been.  Definitely this is one scene where a young man is begging his father to stand up for him for once.

"When you can't face yourself you blame me!

That is not true!

You say it's because of me or the neighborhood!

You use every other phony excuse!

Mom, I just... Once, I want to do something right!

And I don't want you to run away from me again!

- This is all going too fast. - You better give me something.

You better give me something fast.

Jimmy, you're very young.

A foolish decision now could wreck your whole life!

- In ten years you won't know it happened. - Dad, answer her.

Tell her.

Ten years.

Dad, let me hear you answer her.

Dad, stand up for me.

Stand up!"

Here is the script to "Rebel Without A Cause"