Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Black Sheep


Being a black sheep is not easy. But what is the other option? One can't fake being someone else!
One thing I have noticed with some of us, there are people out there who will try to censor you and tell you what to talk about and not talk about, and who will want you to match and conform, and when you do not, they toss you out the door! I remember being a little Aspie kid, hearing teachers and others say, "Be Yourself!". This is good advice in general but can come at a price for some of us.

Friends



Love to all of them who read this blog! You know who you are.

My Brother: Trained By The Family System

                               [picture from Gail Meyers]

 One thing a scapegoated ACON may come to a conclusion about is there is no escaping the role the narcissistic family seeks to imprison you in, unless you flat out walk away. It is hard to understand this, how embedded you become like your foot got frozen in a block of ice. While my Aspergers can at times make me feel like I am talking to people through a wall of glass, this forcing of the scapegoat role, made me feel like I was hidden behind a wall of iron.

Many scapegoats will attest to how an ACON is not seen and how even an entire family system will only see you a certain way no matter your protestations. When you go NC and get that clarity being away from them, you realize how terrible your treatment really was. I am realizing they ALL are making me unhappy and I suppose only other ACONs could understand this and how this plays out. 

One thing I realized about my family is for years I always felt invisible, and like they weren't really listening to me. Perhaps some would say it is immature to still be seeking that attention, but one does face the damages done when attention and love come in very short supply in one's childhood. The emotional scars need work to overcome.

Over the last year I realize one thing I bear is feeling like I do not belong anywhere and like I am invisible to other people. [except my husband and friends] To be frank, this is how I was treated by the family for years. My needs [even severe medical ones] were always put last, my parents made sure of this and trained all the others to treat me in a hugely dismissive way. This became normal among too way too many people and have seen it in all of them aunts to this brother. One thing I will warn if you protest this once you wake up to it, with the enablers and flying monkeys it makes not one bit of difference.

One thing I have noted with a few family conversations as of late, is there is a false myth being spread about me in the family. I can almost hear my mothers words through the mouths of others. It is scary how that happens. Her sneering words delivered through messengers. Just like the cousin recently insulted me for being disabled,  my brother too, pounded the whole "you get to stay home and lie around" theme and told me how "busy" he is constantly. This tells me what exactly has been said when it is being repeated among everyone she talks to.

 I only talk to him once every two months. What do both have in common expect they have been talking to the head narcissist?

 I have been more patient with my brother  and consider myself now on very low contact/protective status with him because he has told me [paraphrasing], "I don't care what Mom says you are my sister and I love you" but lately I am noting some of the actions aren't matching the words. Why doesn't he ever want to visit me? Why doesn't he seem to share my same angst over the time that has passed?

 He lives far away from her but he is someone she can get information about me from. In regards to his behavior and words, what am I to make of the comment, "Send me a 1000 bucks so I can visit you!" when I said, it's been so long since we have seen each other. He continued with constant exhortations about how busy he was with his business of selling candy with teenagers from a van.

 He knows I have no money but he would make a way to visit my NM except she recently went to go visit him, essentially canceling his visit to the state I and the NM live in. [I live in the same state as her well when she isn't in Florida but not the same town or area]. The relationship is dying via attrition, I have not seen him in person in 5 years.

 He is a relative I care about but the hurts are adding up. There is never any loyalty for me among any of them. Pleasing my mother first and foremost comes first to all of them. I suppose he knows what side of his bread is buttered.

 He told me my mother was going to visit him and she did. Later I had told him it would have been nice if you could stand up for me. He could have done so with no cost to himself but her lies are never ending. He wrote to me, "Mom was just asking how you were doing. I guess she still doesn't get why you did what you did. Or rather she doesn't want to bring it up." That doesn't surprise me, she had this masterful way of making me look like the guilty one always before all other parties. My brother was told "Why" I did what I did several times.

 He went on to tell me that my mother told him, the aunt and cousin I wrote about recently didn't have any pictures. That was a flat out lie. The aunt and cousin even described pictures to me with exact colors and scenes. Sadly it seemed he believed her instead of me.

 My mother is working on him steadily, the impromptu visit tells me she wanted to make sure he did not come to visit our state as she rarely goes down there and she decided to do some new teaming up against his ex-wife to gain more of a hold over my brother. His divorce is 7-8 years in the past as my brother went to court over a visitation issue.

 One thing about my brother's ex-wife, is she was another scapegoat to my mother. My mother ripped her to shreds every chance she got from the wedding day to the present day. At family dinners and get-together we would hear the many sins of the ex-wife, with every word of hers denied and discarded. She became almost a monster among the family. "No one is as mean as ****! No one is as stupid as ****!. No one is as crazy as *****!" People who had never met my brother's then wife would hate her without ever having met her!

Today to be frank, the whole thing disgusts me. In my opinion my mother helped to break this marriage up, via her hatred and smear campaigns. My brother's ex wife, could do nothing right, she was "white trash" to my mother. My mother had this way of making her seem to be so evil incarnate, that every other person too jumped on the hate bandwagon.

The marriage imploded, I believe over my brother's failure to defend her from her wicked mother-in-law. Not to say she didn't have faults too, but obviously this was a warning for me about what was happening to me behind the scenes.

 My brother told me, "My ex-wife doesn't like anyone, she isn't going to believe or listen to Mom!" I responded "Why should she? Our mother trashed her night and day for years"! He told me his ex-wife trashed me. I already knew that. They all did. They smeared me to her. My mother couldn't dare risk an alliance between me and her! Another relationship destroyed by my mother!

 Hey with all the criss-crossing triangulation lies, the entire family operated via the trashing of people and bonding over destroying others. It continues to this day. They love to put down people who have failed to get good jobs or make money even though they help some with connections, the latest victims on the chopping block seem to be my underemployed or unemployed cousins who still live at home in their mid to late 20s. It probably would surprised those three how much I have defended them.

Hopefully their own parents seem to be more the lost children types [quiet and not rock the boat types] and not outwardly malignant as so many in my family. My brother even commented on how they have no jobs or are underemployed. I told him, some of the connected ones should help them get an entry level job if they don't like it or are offended by their circumstances.

 What is funny is that my brother told me, that his ex-wife and my mother got into an argument at court and that his ex-wife yelled at my mother for buying people. Hey I know that is true, and told him that too.

 Some things struck me from these conversations:

 My brother is trained by the family system. There are things about his character that severely worry me and this has only gotten worse with the years. In this case, unlike the ice cubes he does have some emotions and shows affection to his children.  While there seems to be some feelings of affection that are mutual between us, my mother is working actively to destroy them. I warned him of this, and also how she is "fighting" the ex wife to manipulate him. From what I can tell he did not listen and it was that perpetual feeling I had of always talking to a brick wall while talking to my family. Anything that took MENTAL EFFORT, like looking up lipedema, or narcissistic personality disorder or even just thinking about something was never done.

 The engineered dramas via my mother are disgusting. There is no way, that she should even have contact with any of her children's ex-spouses, [I never have been divorced in my case] but she has contact with every ex-spouse in family and even in one case an ex-girlfriend from 20 years ago of her own brother. This is crossing major boundaries. She should not be battling an ex-wife 8 years after her adult son has divorced her. If she had normal loyalty to her own children and boundaries, there would not be contact with exes across the board.

 These narcissists really are whirlwinds of destruction. They all are afraid of her, and they all seek to please her no matter what. This controlled acquiescence she has from so many parties is awe- inspiring. I grew up with this where my mother was never to be disagreed with by anyone. The only one who dared outside of me was my brother's ex wife. At least she had her own family to run too. Even if her family was troubled and far from perfect, her mother loved her from what I could tell.

 They all preach the party line. No one ever deviates. If they deviate for a short time, she makes sure to take care of it. My brother basically had withdrawn from our earlier discussions about my mother's affect, about her treatment of others. I was cemented as the "problem" and the "trouble-maker" yet again.

 Some of my latest words to him included: "You all allowed her to throw me out and treat me like crap so I had no choice but to walk away for self respect. You're a bunch of enablers."

Didn't faze him one bit.

I know nothing I ever had to say mattered to any of those people. I love my brother, he is one I have some affection left for, but I worry about it being trounced out like fire, stampeded under narcissistic loving and enabling feet. What to do? The boundaries of asking him not to even tell her he has contact with me didn't work. 

 I care about him enough, I am not NC with him though I added the aunt and cousin immediately to the NC list, but my door is nearly shut, with just a crack open to protect myself now. So many people, so many relationships disconnected. So much voicelessness. Who wants to hang out with people who treat you this way? 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Smug Thin People Who Bash Fat People For Kicks




Thin privilege is getting to have medical imaging

I responded and noticed they took down all the responses where I told them I had lipedema. The place is censorship city among the fat bigots. They are right about the grammar in the article being off. I'll admit it. I had just started the blog and was more rusty back then.

These are not just your run of the mill fat bigots or pissed off anorexic types, but these are people who really HATE fat people. All fat people are "ham-beasts" or "hams"! These are the types who would cheer for fat people to be exterminated tomorrow. I found them to be rather pedestrian, mainstream, brainwashed thinkers. One even sneered at those who questioned 9-11. This is the type who would have their eyes glaze over if you brought up Building 7. They probably believe Obama really cares about America.

So of course they believe the mainstream about obesity that their corporate masters have handed them. "Every "fatty" overeats!" "You are all pigs!", "You disgust us!". 

I noticed when I got one in conversation, they deleted my comments immediately. When the deletion process is that immediate, it says something.



What are they so afraid of? 

They sure judge people for eating. This includes EATING ANYTHING if they are fat. Of course any fat person who relays average eating or caloric suppression is deemed a liar.

One scary thing is that DOCTORS hang out at this place relaying their hatred of fat patients and how much trouble they are. If fat, would you want this guy as your doctor?

Here too, they deleted my comments. This is what I posted. Double click to enlarge.

 I do agree with them about some of the denial in the size acceptance movement as posted on this blog. They are only the other side of the coin warned about on this blog. As I have written before, extreme facets of size acceptance play into the hands of the fat bigots and diet mongers. Fat Logic on reddit proves my case.  Fat Deniers and Fat Haters are all propping up the same rotten system when it comes to obesity in America! 

Afraid of the truth? I think so.



Here is a warning, the place is absolutely disgusting. One thing that is interesting to me is how they manage to serve as an instrument in silencing the fat about their true experiences 1984 style. Basically their attitude is, because someone is fat, nothing they have to say has value. Why should anyone give smug rude thin people the floor? They must have serious psychological problems in that they feel the need to focus on the fat with such vitriol. The diet industry probably loves this place, "Don't listen to those fatties who tell you diets don't work!". They are what Stalin called "useful idiots".




Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Materialism, Crushed by Bills and Baby Boomers





{Caveat for this post I do not believe the above videos apply to EVERY Baby Boomer. There are good and bad people in every generation. I have friends who are Baby Boomers technically I do not apply the below to them or the good-minded people who were born during the years of the Baby Boomer generation.  In many ways the idea of the Baby Boomer generation as one commenter put it was created/manufactured by the powers that be--think Tavenstock. They got that right. For the 'conspiracy-minded" among you, the counter-culture had many of those roots where destruction of the economy, family and social networks was part of those plans.  }

We live in a society now where the monetary expectations are impossible. They are oppressing us with endless bills, in a society that never lets up. I drew a cartoon of me crushed under bills in my sketch book the other day, hey have to make myself laugh sometimes. One used to be able to choose more simple lives where life came cheap. I can see how people go Freegan,  squat and/or go to the streets with the endless lash of huge crushing bills to escape. Some may be able to live with others or perfect the art of mooching or the "underground economy" while others end up homeless.

Sometimes I worry I am driving my friends nuts, telling them I am always scared about money but I do really live in a jerry-built household. The years past by where 20 years of poverty have taken their toll. You take refuge in God, hobbies, books and friends, but the lost opportunities and pressures never seen to relent. Bankruptcy, car repairs, dirty rugs, dirty walls, everything bought used even the forks and metal pans you use to cook. Kind friends help me with food, and clothes. Churches step in, paying back more then your measly offerings made of whatever 1s or perhaps some 5s you find in your purse on a good day. My relationship with money has become one of love/hate.

The transmission could be failing on the car. Something that could send the Dominos spiraling down. Life when you are poor feels like one big emergency.  I'm not a good stoic. Aspies, well we can cry and whine too much, getting through the day to day of life takes too much processing to avoid melt-downs and a deer frozen in the headlights response.  Some people such on message boards or support boards get upset if you talk about your problems too much. A few years of poverty is different from a 20 year grind. Where can one go talk about being poor without being being told it's your fault? I wish there were support groups for poor people where we could commisserate with one another and trade services.  I'd start one if my health was better. I once had this idea that I and my husband should move to Appalachia so we'd be like everyone else around us, but then maybe we wouldn't fit into their world either. As I have written before, I would leave the grind far behind me if my bad health problems didn't keep me tethered to modern American life. 

 I watched the Intervention and the drug addicts and alcoholics aside from the homeless ones seem to be in better straits then me. People wonder why can't you get yourself together? Hey I tried. I thought even a some years ago, I would get my would be pituitary tumor out and I could go continue a new paralegal career, I never expected to find out what I did about the Lipedema.

I can be happy with little, if life remained stationary right now, I would be okay with access to what I have RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, but the problem is how they threaten to take everything away. Greed rules and simple people can't even be left in peace anymore.  I think there are many good Baby Boomers, and some even got bit themselves by the economy but I understand what Ollie means in the videos posted above.  I wish he cursed less, but sometimes to convey points, one has to take the risk of a broad or generalized view.

 The moorings were pulled out from underneath so many people. Gen X and Millennials did get screwed. Why did it get so hard just to get a simple job to pay simple bills? And what is this doing to millions not only physically but emotionally and otherwise? Why was society changed in these insidious ways where the greedy ruled and just making a living became a WEEDING OUT instead of BRINGING IN process?

And for those with narcissistic parents who come out of my generation, there was a special kind of abuse. I've written about it a bit on here before, but I got to watch from my inner city rented rooms, and slumlord dwellings [my apt now is decent but they just raised my rent to a perhaps unsustainable amount] my mother spend money like it was water flowing in a never ending river. I can take rich people, I want no one in my fix, but why did all the blame and shame have to come with it? As I aged, and knew my life would be a whole other path, I could no longer bear the eyes of disgust she and the others had for me. That is one of the foundations of my "no contact" decision.

The world seems to back up that abuse, in a way, crushing people under impossible bills, offering no way to make a living, or one's where you are always looking over your shoulder. Many of us pray to God to meet our needs but we are worn out. Sometimes I think there should be more to life. I am not a materialist, this is not about being able to shop or have the newest or latest but feeling secure, and feeling I have a place in society. Everyone wants to be somebody to somebody. You do not want to be forever the taker instead of the giver. No one wants to be in that position. One insidious form of abuse I have noticed in my evil family, is how all of them talk about how hard they worked and they imply I never did, and that being disabled means I am a lazy bum. I heard it today from one I have limited contact with, "It would be nice laying around all day". My response was, "Want to trade?"

Why did the Baby Boomer generation or better yet their media controllers decide to call us Generation X? There seems to be a slew of projected blame and hate that started in the 1990s when they told us that we were all "slackers" and bums hanging on in record stores and coffee shops. Anyone here remember the movie Clerks? Yes I know I am dating myself with that one. Maybe the hatred between generations is part of the media controller's job just as they push hatred between races and other groups. Here's how the plan worked, allow this prosperous generation that got the bennies and build-up from WWII, take it all for granted and then hate the new debt and failure riddled generations. This way they could keep people fighting while they ran off with the money and created debt-slaves. It's not the bankers ripping us off, but your lazy, sad sack kid, who even though he has a bachelors degree can't get a job to save his life! It's his fault!

And that is what I was told even as I attempted to get teaching jobs circa 1990 and failed the MEDICAL TESTS to do so. "It's your fault!" This is why you hear some complain about entitled and lazy younger people. None of them think this out, that when your life is permanently on hold and you can't afford to buy that house, ,marry or support children that you may take refuge in things like music concerts or sadly for some like drugs and dead end life styles. Then consider the ones who have all those student loans, that cost something equal to mortgages! Who set this system up? Many Baby Boomers are suffering too but maybe the ones who blame their kids for being "losers" or feel hatred for their Boomerang kids who are entering their 30s or even their 40s, ought to think this one out a bit. I am not a liberal or conservative remember but when you watch Fox News and see the rhetoric about the poor, hey the powers that be know what they are doing. It's easier to blame the kids then admit the system is falling down around you while you still benefit.

I remember telling my mother once, that it was sickening they built this new casino in her town, and  who had that much money to basically burn? Religiously and otherwise I am against gambling though I have will admit I bought a few Lotto tickets in my time. She got angry at me and told me, "People have plenty of money!" Maybe in her world, though I suppose some desperate types may darken the doors of casinos with their last dollars. She told me she went to the casino.  Aunt "No Pictures for You" made a habit of casinos too. The idea of laying 20 bucks down on a slot table, to see it disappear, makes me nauseous.

 You always hear about some in the Baby Boomer generation, who say things like "I am spending my children's inheritance!". One thing I have noted in old books, is how generations used to have a different view of their children, they wanted them to succeed. They did not compete with them. They saw themselves as leaving a positive legacy for their children and grandchildren. They did not want them to suffer. It seems to me, that the powers that be have turned this thinking on it's head. Don't get me wrong here many GOOD people of all generations want their children to succeed, and this isn't everyone, but who got this attitude started out there? Where the old should spend til they drop and make sure their kids are left bereft?

In the case of those with narcissist parents, while they may give voice to desiring your success, they will do everything to make sure it does not happen. I was not allowed to study, and had to do housework which meant all school work had to be done at school. This put me at the 3.5 level when maybe I could have done better with study time and not having to write papers during other classes during the school day. I know my parents had and used connections to get other people middle class jobs, during my inner-city severe poverty years and later too. My father was the co-head of an organization where high school graduates were given office jobs with no college. When I and my brother asked, including me after my health care rejections, he turned us down. Years earlier he had gotten my non-college degreed business school drop out mother, a middle class job making $40,000 a year shuffling paper at the same place. She got to work there 26 years and receive a full pension. These weren't people relating to my household's job troubles.

In a society growing in wickedness, there are many who are selfishly affecting their children's futures in negative ways. What kind of people think it is okay to sell their children's futures on huge student loans they then expect them to pay for with McJobs? Why do so few question all this? Why all the projection instead of helping the young, they decide to malign them instead and if some young people are shallow, and "lazy", have they given up in some cases, or were they raised wrong in other cases? One thing I have said to my husband is, if the work world becomes nothing but low wage jobs that can be taken away on the whim, motivation levels are going to drop. The majority of people in life want to give and be part of something. Even being on disability, it has been rare that I have not been engaged in one volunteer enterprise.  I remember my insane 4 job schedules. All this talk hides the facts of what is happening and how America is becoming a third world nation, blaming the young who are under circumstances some can't even imagine, isn't going to fix anything. It makes me sick hearing Gen Y called lazy or seeing magazines like Time call them "bums" when there the economy has been ravished. This magazine cover is a classic case of narcissistic projection.

The prices are insane now, the jobs limited and unable to build decent lives, the outcomes of this stuff is going to be a 100 years in the making. I agree with Ollie on the swathe of destruction.

I don't advocate class or generational warfare. Remember I warn the powers that be love that stuff, it's easier to turn people on each other. Too many have bought into the false rhetoric, the Baby Boomer narcissistic dream, told they were the biggest and best generation ever and the only one that "counted".  Is anyone sick of hearing about Kennedy and Vietnam? I sure am. Too many embraced the throwing away and blaming of youth and ignored the bigger picture. Maybe some of the decent Baby-Boomers should speak out next time they hear millennials called lazy or some who prosper making excuses for the endless rip-offs, and corruptions that have been accepted in our society today.  One thing about my life, is that my viewpoint of this world is completely different from that of my parents. Maybe that is one good positive that came out of. I wasn't blinded by shopping at the mall or Keeping up with the Joneses or conforming to what was sold. I refuse to be an "X" no matter how poor I ended up.







Monday, September 8, 2014

Columnist Gains Weight on Purpose





"I hate fat people for making me do this"

Can we say narcissist crocodile tears?

Columnist eats 6,500 calories a day to prove that fat people are lazy

This seems like a dangerous enterprise where she could render herself fat forever. She is too close to menopause to be playing with fire like this, but if she manages to lose it all, what will it prove but that thin bodies operate properly? Perhaps God will decide to teach her a lesson and she will be unable to lose the weight and will learn some compassion for others. I also notice she is only running "plump" on a calorie level that would make me bed-bound within days.  Just the fact she has to eat so much to stay plump says it all. The powers that be finance this sort of nonsense, they profit off fat oppression. It looks like professional fat haters are on the billing.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Their Evil Behavior Means Stay Far Far Away!




Self respect in this life can come at a cost.

For me the cost is a possible 6 figure inheritance, and having relatives to visit with, talk to, see and be part of my life.

However if the other option means being a "worm" for the rest of my life. Forget it. 

I do not want to be abused anymore, looked down on or trashed. I would rather be alone. A friend today told me that I am going to lose my entire family given the path I am going down, and she said, "Do you want to be alone?" I answered, "Yes I would rather be alone." Does that shock some here?

I am being punished for my "rebellion" against the head narc. The smear campaigns are worse then I ever imagined they were. For years I suspected I was hated and disliked even by the ones who smiled in front of me. Well the veil got ripped off a few more recently.

How could I explain to outsiders, that I had to go "no contact" with my entire family without them thinking I was the crazy one? Fellow Adult children of narcissists who have had to deal with a sociopath's destruction of their life do understand.

I told you the story about the aunt, where my only sin, was to ask, "Why did you lie to me about sending pictures and what is the big deal about sending them?"

One thing about narcs, is the slightest challenge will invoke their rage, that aunt hung up on me, but later on she sent her adult daughter who lives with her, after me.

She called a second time, with odd things to present, saying "Are you going to swim in the lake?" over and over.  I live near a lake. It does not mean I am rich, but she fixated on it like mad. I had written her cards after an illness and talked to her on the phone a few times though I mostly spoke with her mother and we got along well, or so I thought.  The way she said it, it almost sounded like a threat like when mafiosos talk about going to swim with the fishes.

She was extremely hostile and angry. She went into this litany about how disabled people are all bums, and basically told me I am a "lazy ass" who can sit in the house all day. "I see these disabled bums at counters hanging out here!" and screamed about how she has had to work hard all her life "All I do is f**cking work!" and how great I had it laying around the house all day, by a lake.

The jealousy was extreme and psycho. I should have hung up. Add two more to the NC list!  I stood up for myself but then she went off topic screaming about how the rest of the family had cast her away. I told her this was wrong. She is a poor factory worker and did not achieve their social standing either. Funny, I doubt she was screaming at any of the narcs. She too saw me as the target to unleash her anger out against.

I reminded her that I had been around and asked her how she was after a work accident which quieted her down some. The odd thing is she screamed about my mother and how dare I question her too. She responded to me, "I don't care about sides, your mother has plenty of pictures." I retorted back, "How am I going to see those as I am no contact with her?" This told me my mother had complete control and manipulation of these two from nearly a thousand miles away. I also suspected strong where all the attitudes about the disabled came from too. I could hear my mother's voice, when she called me a "lazy' and a "bum" for being disabled. Also one asks "What are they hiding to protect photos like they are in Fort Knox?"

Her calls will be screened and ignored now. I get the feeling she was sent as an enforcer of sorts, to shut me up for daring to question her mother even in the most minute of ways. This was ripping off of a veil of sorts in realizing these two who otherwise had been polite to me but defensive of my mother, hated my ever loving guts. I plan to go no contact with them. Our contact had been regular but they live far away. These were the relatives where the granddaughter of the mother of two had not invited me to her wedding. Before then I had no disputes, no nothing. I had not disagreed with them on anything either before outside of my aunt's telling me, "Your mother loves you!"

Then my brother, ignored my birthday. First time ever for him. I don't expect a grandstand band or even a card, but he would call or at least write on a social website always before. Recently I have noticed a pattern that every time he talks with my mother on the phone, he avoids me like the plague. This time to even ditch my birthday.

I wrote him on a social website, and said, "Hey did you forget my birthday?" so I got him to talk to me. I got the "I was busy" excuse, and he went on to tell me my mother was coming from out of state to visit him for the week. He told me, some of what she had told him, that she had sent me a big check--never saw it and she told him she had drove by my apt building and seen my car there. She basically presented herself as the martyred ignored mother to him while telling him lies about sending me a large amount of money and other things. I told him "Do not believe her lies". What else could I do? Even there I know I will be thrown under the bus. He planned to come up this fall which tells me she is going down there instead to isolate me further and turn the 5 years since we have seen each other now into 6-7 years. I don't know if I will end up going no contact with him but it is looking very probable. The relationship is on the edge. I will see if he stands up for me but I expect to be disappointed, he will choose the side his bread is buttered on.  She poisons minds against me so effectively.

I am realizing how bad the smear campaigns have been and for so many years. I am realizing how very hated I am beyond the pale. I am realizing many of them are horrible people with violent tempers. The cousin frightened me, I went into "Cool down the Crazy" social worker mode which I can slip into from my past work when I should have been hanging up the phone. I sometimes find myself having thoughts that these people want me to get back in line no matter what. I also know she is conducting smears against me behind the scenes to the extreme. I have to watch my back and I do not think I am paranoid to think other revenges could be sought.

 This has been hard to take and recently I have gone into a kind of quiet funk where I do not feel like socializing at all except with closest of friends.  My husband has been supportive of me and extremely shocked and dismayed at their odd and scary behavior. He does not understand why my father's family would follow the dictates of my mother so unquestioningly.

 I have grown more suspicious that they are hiding something from me or that I am adopted. I think they are terrible people with little honor or kindness. When away from here and acouple discussion boards online, I am trying to clear them from my mind, but I still keep thinking, "What in the hell happened?", "How did it go so bad?" and "What should I do?". I feel scared even leaving the cult still and by the way some of these people have acted, maybe there really reason to listen to some of those emotions. I am going to stay away from all of them. I can't take it anymore. I am realizing too the bad ramifications of such severe abuse and what it did to me on multiple levels. Ollie Matthews was right about getting away from anyone who has a relationship with your narcs.

 Even with my father's relatives, saying such nasty things about disabled people that did not come out of no where. I am the only disabled person in the family. There is no empathy in my family. I am seen at fault for every health problem I have ever had, and they all believed her, when she called me a loser and being a malingerer. My disabilities from hearing impairment, breathing problems and more were used against me.  Years ago when I first applied for disability being in and out of the hospital, I told my mother, and the first thing she said was, "You want to be disabled so you can lay around the house and just eat?". I can hear her voice through these others.

I suspected long ago this is what was going on, and now I know for sure it is. It is scary when you are forced to face such horrible things. I don't have a family and never did. I am NC you know with 20 people now, two more just got added and one soon to be. I hope people can understand how extreme of a situation I have faced.