Friday, July 3, 2015

Brené Brown: Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count

A lot of art or writing brings vulnerability. We are putting ourselves out there. This can bring in the critics and nay-sayers. One way to know you are being of some affect out there, is when they come crawling out of the woodwork to shout against you. This blog is a vulnerable blog in that I am sharing personal things that have happened to me. This includes both the "fat world" posts and the "ACON" "adult children of narcissist" posts. Both are highly stigmatized areas. I take risks doing this blog as it's traffic increases.  There is vulnerability in doing this work. I have shared personal stories of childhood abuse and scary rare medical scenarios.

 I think about a certain blog that suddenly popped up where there was love-bombing at the start and now continues with a smear campaign and irresponsible writing about pyschopaths. When I protested about it the second time,  I thought of young ACONs finding a blog that told people to seek out goodness in psychopaths. This troubled me deeply.

Some narcissists may think it is a bad thing to "fight the demons", but I've been an activist all my life in things that matter to me. Some people choose to live their lives for other purposes, but I have the right to dedicate aspects of my life to what I want.

There has been a smear campaign against me on that other blog that continued even after I left the first time in peace. Her intense desire to label me and to seek to silence my words in the face of others was obvious. She slams those who have faced abuse with every word and trashes boundaries. No one else has the right to tell another person what to feel and that is a line she crosses over and over.

One thing about living as a "real" person in this society is you will bring hatred even for things that you love. My family did not want me to be an artist or an art teacher when I was young. I loved these things but paid a price for them. I do not regret it. Art kept me alive when I was young.

Even when I had an art show, relatives of mine scoffed at it. It was a do-it-yourself affair. I have read poems while others loved them, some people have been massively offended. You will offend someone doing any kind of art or project. It is a nature of the business. Artists and writers are called "crazy" and mocked for their work all the time.  I once sold a painting that someone else told me they hated. One person loved it who bought it, and the other couldn't stand it. These things happen in the world of art. They also happen in the world of writing, blogging, comics and zines.

One thing to note is when people go for trash-a-thons, it usually means you are hitting a nerve or asking questions they'd rather not answer. I believe there is definitely those out there, who do not want truthful exposes or discussions of narcissism. In talking about narcissism, we are talking about the halls of power and the manipulations that many of the wicked don't want exposed. They don't want people knowing and understanding how psychopaths and narcissists work. Can you imagine how this would change the modern day office even? There are many people out there who do not want this conversation uncontrolled. Isn't discussing narcissism the ultimate vulnerable position to be in? The Narcissists and some Cluster Bs will stop at nothing to seek to shame and silence those who want the truth out there. 

Brene' Brown is a researcher who has always fascinated me. I'm reading a book of hers now on shame and how it is used to silence and control women. "I Thought It was Just Me {But It isn't}". This book examines how shaming is used to silence people. Many women especially fall under it's brunt, making sure to craft false personas for the world that are more acceptable. In our narcissistic world, many will shame women, for being "victims" or not attaining certain statuses.

Many narcissists and Cluster Bs shame people over their vulnerabilities. In fact it is what they go they focus on. If someone faces the challenges of depression, they will use that. They use shame and blame while always elevating themselves to say "We are better then you and have better lives, or have more then you do". [The comparison game that Brene' Brown points out below.] To be honest if someone spends so much time trashing someone else, how really happy can they be? In their world where psychopaths are just "poor misunderstood" folks, where is there any real happiness? To narcissists and Cluster Bs, the world is not a place to dedicate one's energies to help others, but a contest to win.

 Shaming is often done to silence people. Every ACON out there, we were shamed.  Our abusers and family teamed up to shame us, and then later we often received shame for being abused in the first place. I believe any blogger that shames ACONs is serving a flying monkey role for narcissists. For the ACONs out there talking about what happened to us, this takes a certain degree of bravery because we are risking vulnerability especially in a narcissistic culture that more often and not that sides with our abusers. Some will even shame others for not being happy enough or for having emotions they are personally offended at. They enable narcissism continuing with these shame-games.

Brene' Brown is right when she says "If you are going to show up and be seen, you are going to get your ass kicked". This is a controversial blog, even for the fat topics alone. I am questioning some mainstream opinions and trying to get some new ways of thought out there about obesity. The way things are done now are failing and we need new answers. I almost died and know others are in the same boat. It drives me to seek to change things and get some truth out there.

With the ACON stuff, I am talking about severe devastating emotional abuse, now that is vulnerability and going out on a limb. Every ACON blogger with normal emotions and a conscience, I am sure feels that feeling of "What am I doing?" but ACON bloggers and writers helped me to figure out what was going on. They served an important purpose in standing up against these disordered personalities bringing pain to so many and to me personally.  I hope I have been of the same help on this blog to others.

Like Brene' Brown, I don't mind constructive feedback. Everyone has their faults including me. I know being Aspie, I have to be even more cautious in my communication.  However I'm old enough to know when someone just wants to trash someone or silence their ideas because they consider their ideas too threatening or want to serve someone more powerful who has played "defend" the narcissists and psychopaths for years.  With the obesity things, I'm already quite practiced at dealing with critics. Not very many people know what it feels like to go online and admit, "I once weighed nearly 700lbs and I almost died."

I thought about these obesity issues for years. I left the mainstream fat plantation to even stay alive. The people who will change obesity will not be those who stick to the old failed answers but researchers and others who stand for the dignity of fat people and believe them. The same goes for ACONs too. If someone does not respect ACONs or mocks or denigrates their pain or seeks to shame them, then they are wasting their time. They are a critic that does not count. The only thing to do now is stay away and not even let curiosity or a warning lead me back to see the put-downs.

Brene' Brown says "Without Vulnerability, You cannot create". This is true. She is also right about the three seats the critics take of Shame, Scarcity and Comparison. I plan to write more on her book on shame, but she is right, that the critics say things like, "Who Do you Think you Are?". I loved her line, "I see you, I hear you but I am going to show up and do this anyway!". Her discussion of courage too is also important. I agree that we are often our own biggest critics too.

Also her bringing up looking for the stranger in the mall, made me laugh. So many people get stuck in that place of worrying about those strangers instead of those who love us. I appreciate the others who have been vulnerable too and who have put themselves out there. My fellow ACON bloggers and writers who have taken the same risks, in putting themselves out there with honesty and courage.

FatLogic Goes Private

When I was on there some days ago, a few asked me if I was trying to get it banned like the other fat hating reddits. I wasn't there for a censorship campaign but they must be feeling the heat from somewhere.

Science Has Gone Too Far: Unpoppable Bubble Wrap

Welcome to the Dystopian Future: Bubble Wrap No Longer Pops

I saw this and thought, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" LOL I always loved popping bubble-wrap. There is a supply in my closet, maybe it will be valuable one day.


Indian Food is Great

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I tried Indian food for the first time going to a buffet the other day and I liked it. The Tandoori chicken was wonderful as well as the Palek Paneer--spinach mixed with cheese and the Naan bread.
Usually I have been adventurous in trying new world cuisines, and have eaten at Thai and Vietnamese restaurants but somehow along the way Indian food got overlooked.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Defense of Psychopaths?

I'm not going to link to a certain other blog, but when people ask things like "Can a psychopath be "good"? That is defending psychopaths in my book.

I mean why even write something like that? I found it disturbing. What next an article on the Virtues of Ted Bundy?


Update on Fat Logic Debates

Useful Idiots for the Fat Gulag

I felt like what I trying to convey whooshed over their heads. There were a few thoughtful ones who seemed as if they were getting it, but one overwhelming theme I saw is they do truly believe if one eats a "healthy diet" that they will automatically be thin. In my world this seems like magical thinking given my experiences.  I have always advocated people eating as healthy as is possible. I believe I would be dead if I ate like most Americans. In fact one question I have asked is how are so many so thin while eating total crap?

In my own life, the whole "Eat Healthy and you will be THIN or at least average." messages seem like a cruel joke from the gates of hell. It simply has not applied to my life.  Of course some may say, You are one off, with the severe PCOS and stage IV Lipedema married together and you did lose SOME WEIGHT--the 200 down from the near 700 peak but how many millions of others are told "Eat healthy and you will be thin" and it simply is NOT WORKING?

By the way this does not mean I am giving up "eating healthy". If I free-ate, I would be dead from the diabetes alone.  There would be no regulated sugars. If I ate a greasy hamburger, my urologist would be seeing me for the giant kidney stone within the week. I can gain weight at the drop of a hat, and I have to be so vigilant, it would drive most people crazy.

I do not believe every thin person in the world is a closet bulimic or having to starve themselves every minute. They eat their two or three squares a day and live and are happy and their body burns off food and life goes by with ease. They are not having to beat themselves or starve themselves to be thin. Some may eat healthy but others eat badly. Some eat well and have occasional treats. In shock I would watch thin women have cookie parties and fix brownies and foods I never could dream of. Of course their bodies work different from my own.

The posters at Fat Logic all seem to believe that people are all fat now because food is plentiful, but there have been plenty of times in history people were more prosperous and had food, and did not fatten up like people are today in America. Japan is a wealthy society where they have plenty of food. If they stay away from Western incursion, maybe they won't fatten up. In other words eat what they have and avoid American fast food.  Sure most societies had times of plenty and famine but wealthy societies have existed before. By this logic every wealthy person in past history would look like Henry the VIII and this is simply not true.

One commenter wrote:

"The reason we're getting fat is that our lives are a never ending gravy train of times of plenty and the times of hunger never come any more. The culprit isn't a big conspiracy it's the industrial revolution. We're just telling people that we have to be vigilant now and not give into these primal urges and crappy feeding habits."

Even this commenter refers to "primal urges". So do human beings need time of famine to be thin? Why are there thin people now then? Given weight loss and nutrition are so actively advanced in the USA, does "crappy feeding habits" explain all the obesity? I simply do not see all thin people eating perfectly healthy and perfect portions of food, this is one myth too.

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They truly believe the industrial revolution fattened everyone up? Well if you go and look at people in the 1950s even, their are far smaller and thinner then people today. I even have noticed this watching TV shows from the 1970s. Keith Partridge is wisp-thin. I always have believed something more is going on. All the growth hormones in meat? Changes in our environment? Not everyone was behind a plow in the 1950s and 1970s.

One thing I kept bringing up to them, is we are looking at 40% of the population fattening up. Is this 40% of people who are gluttons and lack some personal quality such as responsibility? I saw that theme in their answers over and over. Even as some sincere scientists and others expose that the diets are not working they cling to their mantras like a religion. Weight loss is guaranteed if you eat less and move more. This simply isn't happening for millions of people.

"Eat less, move a bit and one will lose weight. My "conditions" and "genetics" went away with a healthy diet."

I believe most of these people are some thin people who lost 20 or so pounds and otherwise had working bodies that operate along the normal trajectory. While a few had empathy most did not. They stuck to their stance, that all fat people are overeating pigs and that people in our society are fattening up because they are gluttons and "irresponsible.. I did raise the question as to why great segments of the population are even "wanting to eat" so much? This question remained unanswered. None of them could answer it. It was a sincere question. Ironically I showed them that caloric intake has recently dropped but obesity is still increasing.

But none answered that question. Here is where I felt some things I was saying was "whooshing over their heads".

Obviously telling people to "eat less and move more" is failing to solve the obesity epidemic. It is failing to turn fat people into thin people.  I believe there will only be more failure when it comes to obesity since these things are adhered to like a religion. Very few are getting to the root cause. Everything remains at the surface and goes no further. Focusing on obesity as a wholly personal failure of will is failing all of us.

Update: I was banned from the Fat Logic Reddit board. Wow they move in a hurry! I am noticing their latest thing is mocking someone else with lipedema, having little knowledge about lipedema and how fluids work in the disorder. Some may ask "Why bother with these jerks at all?". I did it to show they are indeed "useful idiots" and sadly it shows the level of brainwashing about obesity and related disorders.