Sunday, December 21, 2014
In these videos, they show the reaction of single ad daters who show up for their dates expecting far thinner people. When fat and dating online, always be up front about your weight to spare yourself this agony and rejection. When I dated, my size was right in the ad.
You will notice the "fat" man's luck with the women is far greater then the "fat" woman's! He is even able to make future dates. The fat woman, 4 out of 5 of the men disappear. I have to admit if I was ever single again, I do not see me entering the dating world. The dating world was hellish enough in the high 200s, I wouldn't want to know what it would be like in my present shape. The complexities of dating while facing severe health problems too would be too overwhelming. I think life for fat men can be hard, but dating and relationships are a little easier. There is far more pressure on women to be thin in a general sense. Dating for fat women can be very hard.
I have written my story about Aunt Scapegoat.
Lucky Otter, brought up my story about Aunt Scapegoat.
A friend of mine, a survivor of narcissistic abuse who also has a blog, tells the story of an aunt of hers, living in abject poverty, who was scapegoated and belittled by every other family member, most of them highly malignant narcissists. She was tolerated at family events but outside of that, no one would have anything to do with her. You feel sorry for this impoverished, lonely, maltreated aunt–until you keep reading and find out that she is a malignant narcissist herself–of the “needy” variety.
I have been having more thoughts about Aunt Scapegoat and what happened there. For years I thought to myself, "Aunt Scapegoat is so weak". I saw her wholly as a victim, but part of my mind is changing there. For years I would ask, "Why didn't she ever try to escape?" "Why didn't she want to ally with me ever?" "Why didn't she ever stand up against any of her abuse?"
One thing about me is I hate being needy. Every day I wake up and pray to God for real money, so I can live with dignity instead of being in need. I have kind friends who have helped me and my mind always thinks, I want to help them. I do not want to be the one in need. This last year, I have been facing some of my own limitations. How did I fail economically so miserably? I have accepted the fact I was severely ill and the Aspergers impacted a lot of things but I did try my best. Getting through college alone is not easy for a Aspie. This is one issue, I am trying to work on with my husband. It may have to be an issue to be discussed with a counselor.
However for Aunt Scapegoat, being needy was her normal mode. She seemed to take all care for granted as her malignant narcissist family paid her rent and my mother bought her a trailer to live in rent-free. Every time Aunt Scapegoat let her life collapse, a relative was there to swoop in to pick up the pieces. When Aunt Scapegoat destroyed her new trailer via hoarding, my mother [according to her] swooped in, cleaned her trailer out and got her new paint and carpeting.
In my case, I did not have this luxury. There was times they were willing to help at a price but also the many years where I was left to my own devices. I was responsible for my own life, there was no Calvary coming to rescue me as Aunt Scapegoat was rescued and supported multiple times. Aunt Scapegoat has not even had to pay any rent since the 1980s, what does that tell you?
One irony of ironies was that when my grandmother was on her deathbed, she asked my mother to take care of Aunt Scapegoat. Aunt Denial told me this. I thought to myself, I am far sicker, no one has ever worried about taking care of me!
Aunt Scapegoat, had drug problems, had a DUI or two, had a criminally inclined boyfriend and husband she later divorced and lived in horrible poverty but the family always took care of her. She never was cut out of events like I was and while she was tolerated, she was always included. If I had even done 10% of what Aunt Scapegoat had done, including stealing from relatives as one of my relatives claimed, I would have been cast out for good from their end. Oddly she seemed able to engage in the worse behavior while her role in the family stayed intact. How did this happen? Why did they scramble to "take care" of her while I was abandoned more times then once?
Could it be she was ONE OF THEM? A fellow narcissist but in this case a poor, and "needy" one where the other narcs held the power?
After all she never challenged them. Aunt Scapegoat worshipped my mother even as my mother degraded her. Would she believe me if I told her, that my mother told me once she wished she would just die since she was such a "burden"? Aunt Scapegoat among the other narcs kissed their butt every time she got. One nauseating moment was when Aunt Scapegoat told me she had apologized for trashing the trailer that my mother had bought her. She said to me, "Your mother is so kind, and I am so horrible." Her subservience at that point was utterly intact.
My mother every time Aunt Scapegoat ended up in the hospital would drive 120 miles to where she lived. I lived far closer but no one showed up when I was sick in the hospital. This difference stood out to me years ago. My mother's narcissistic uncle and even my grandmother when she was still alive would race to Aunt Scapegoat's bedside. My grandmother even took care of Aunt Scapegoat into her 50s, giving her food, and rides to places. She lived right next door. However even there the care was weird as they forced her to live without running water while on dialysis. The whole picture was sick. Later my mother would hold guardianship over her which was scary enough but the same help had been there before. As I faced severe illness, I was chopped liver compared to Aunt Scapegoat. Relatives raced to take her to the hospital, to procure her treatment.
I started noticing some things about Aunt Scapegoat. Some of these things have been shown to me during the distance of no contact.
She didn't seem to care about anyone. She had no friends even though she had lived in the same community her entire life. She didn't seem to do anything for anyone else. She was as emotionally cold. She didn't aspire to any higher ideals. She hated God. She abused drugs and never sought recovery. I would try to reach out to her for years only to get a door slammed in my face. When I used to drive down there, to visit, she started doing very selfish things like refusing to answer her door. I thought I was the only victim of this but one cousin told me, he had driven to visit her, from several states away, and she still refused to open her door. She had not seen him in years, had not had a fight with him but was just flat out selfish. This selfishness seemed supported by the rest of the family too. They would make excuses for her, well she is sick. She never stood up for anyone. She seemed to take people for granted. She seemed emotionally disconnected. Here too, I was trying to emotionally connect to someone where it was impossible.
The odd thing is I told the cousin, she was selfish not to answer her door, but he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh that was okay." I said, "No, it was not, I'm sick too and never would treat anyone that way."
She had no problem with her role as the lowly scapegoat. She never fought it. They broke her spirit but sadly I think they made her into one of them and while she has no power, no money unlike the other malignant narcs, there was the same darkness of spirit that took over. She played her role with no rebellion as the Scapegoat. Can someone be a narcissist and a scapegoat too? Some may find that strange, but I believe yes it can happen in very sick families, where the stronger narcissists rule over the weaker ones. I remember how she changed, when we were friends in my early 20s and there was still seemingly some spirit of life there back then she would even discuss with me the things my mother did that were mean, but this rapidly changed, she got Stockholm Syndrome, my mother could do not wrong. She was angry at me for fighting back against my mother.
I still remember one last family argument in 2005. She would tell relatives she hated me from that day forward. The family started debating stem cell research. Being a Christian I am more pro-life. I have nothing against non-abortive birth control, but was grossed out by experiments being done on human embryos and told the family this. One telling moment is when my grandmother said to everyone, "What about Aunt Scapegoat, don't you want her to be able to recover from her illnesses"? This was a chopped liver moment as I looked around and said, "Haven't you noticed I am disabled too?"
I made the mistake of trying to connect with Aunt Scapegoat, even a few years later. Trying to get her to talk to me and notice I was alive. She was as cold and disengaged as the rest of my family. She saw me as a "scum" too and beneath her even despite our shared poverty and health problems.
More and more I arrived to the conclusion. She is not like you. She is like them. She is a would be narcissist. She does not love others and she is selfish. As my readers know, I went no contact with her as well. She was not to be trusted.
In my last No Contact letter to my mother, I brought up Aunt Scapegoat.
"There was one weird moment, when [Aunt Scapegoat] trashed my painting I gave her for a present and threw it in her closet, leaving it to be water damaged in the box in her closet. That hurt bad. I brought this up to you and [Aunt Denial] and people acted like this was normal, instead of even saying to me, "She shouldn't have done that." I am glad you got the painting back but the sick family dynamics of an aunt treating a niece without censure or being defended by the rest really bothered me. Of course this is how you trained others to treat me.
No one said, "That was wrong!". [Aunt Scapegoat] doesn't seem to care about anyone. Again, this goes back to my earlier theme about people slamming doors shut in your face. What kind of aunt treats a niece like that; were you OK with this? I do not have [Aunt Scapegoat's] personality and I will not accept disrespect. I will not be called or treated like I am a "loser" for the rest of my life. I think it is sick how your family treated [Aunt Scapegoat] and to me it was evil. Even if she was helped by you later, your mother was no good to leave her there with no running water on dialysis, and no I don't want to hear excuses about how "they didn't know". She lived right next door. They knew how old that trailer was."
Dancing with the evil and succumbing to them will turn a person to evil. It happened to Aunt Scapegoat. She never fought her oppression but embraced it. She hates me for my desire to escape.
I loath this time of year. Ok, maybe I am a Scrooge, but it is a time of year where people parade how rich and full their lives are and anyone who is poor or lonely or down and out, it feels like just another smack in the head. If you are poor watching the shop-a-thon hurts. The basic bills are barely being covered nonetheless having money for giant flat screen TVs. Who are those people who can afford a new Lexus as a present with a giant ribbon on top? This week, I have to make some cards at least while half out of my gourd coughing like crazy and hope I do not cover them in germs!
Hey this is the time of year where for thousands, depression skyrockets, add in a big dose of seasonal affective disorder and life feels like hell on earth. I even prayed to God asking why so many things are going wrong with me, and fearing a horrible painful death as my face swelled to grandiose dimensions. Job like prayers have gone to the Lord, asking why my life has sunk to such a rotten status and feeling like I am disappointing everyone in the world because my energy has sunk to it's lowest levels yet. Has my narcissistic mother gotten out a Voodoo doll and stuck it full of pins with a giant one meant for my jaw? While I cough my brains out and take 9 antibiotics a day to keep my jaw from rotting away and wondering if I will live, I am sure she is happily shopping and enjoying her life.
The irony that this was a warmer December where I could have gone out a bit, has not escaped me. The frustration makes me want to pound my head on the nearest brick wall. Typhoid Mary came to my self help group and passed out germs from hell, with a self satisfied smile. At least that day after it took her 30 minutes to admit to us, she had no voice, I didn't have to hear about her expensive endless world vacations. How do people even get that rich?
This time of year is so bad for me, that for years I prepared for the swathe of severe depression that overtakes me to avoid being committed to the mental hospital or even worse fates. I have to tell myself to just make it to Jan 2, and then later make to March 1st. It is like running a Depression marathon. Add in illness, and Ground Hog Day recurring money problems where my husband's freelance employers cut his small amount of work and never heard of Christmas bonuses and well I don't have much to smile about lately.
The holidays are sad to me. I don't celebrate Christmas religiously but it is all around you. When I used to celebrate it, it was still the saddest time of the year. How did people get lives that are so rich and full? One shouldn't fall into envy or constant comparisons, but how many feel more depressed because of the expectations all these holiday seasons lay upon us? For ACONs, the holidays can be especially hard especially given the baggage with family. For those of us newer to our no contact status, one can feel cast adrift watching churches and friends travel to spend time with their families.
For years, on the week of the holidays, I spent it bawling my eyes out. It is hard to explain. I know it has to do with the severe abuse, the feeling of being a throw-away person, the years of asking when I would be in the position to give nice presents to others? I also got to watch my mother buy everyone's love and loyalty. If you have a crappy family of origin, Christmas brings back a flood of memories of ABUSE. You remember the family dinners where everyone ignored you, where you tried so hard to please. You remember the expectations, the eager anticipation, the presents which you gave which your narcissists scoffed at and never seemed good enough. Buying for people who can shop til they drop is not easy. They are not in need of anything. My childhood was spent buying various expensive glass owls for my mother which she collected. An entire month's worth of money delivering newspapers would be dedicated to one of these presents.
I remember the show-off sessions, the week before Christmas at my grandmother's house with cousins, aunts and uncles, as my mother generously lavished at least a couple thousands of dollars worth of presents on her siblings and nieces and nephews. Their love for her cemented in goodies. When my sister had her children, my mother, would load up 20 huge shopping bags full of presents to drive to my sister's house and play Mrs. Santa Claus. I could not match any of this present giving. I made a coloring book for a nephew and niece, and a painting for one but the money simply was not there. It hurt. A lot of years I couldn't afford any presents. I obviously wasn't seeing them very often either. My mother never missed a shopping spree during the holiday season. She never had a year when she went without.
Sadly too my materialistic parents mocked the presents bought by my poorer aunts and uncles. One aunt would buy us those "FUN PAD" books for Christmas. I loved them, but my parents mocked her gift so heavily, I had a hard time enjoying it. When I see those books, I smile, but then have that side memory to go with it.
The focus on money and social class became even more acute. A lot of mixed emotions go through me remembering the holidays. While I enjoyed some of my presents that came at a cost, it was sad watching Aunt Scapegoat being forced to pass out cheap coloring books and bags of fancy pasta for gifts while her sister never lacking for money was able to hand out TV sets, and expensive clothing and tools to her family members.
When I was a child, my narcissistic parents made a huge deal of Christmas. We did get a mountain of presents. Some would say to me, "how generous!" but these presents came with a cost. These presents served as evidence for both of my otherwise uncaring parents to say, "We were loving parents, look at all these Christmas presents we got you!" It also was show off time for relatives who were poorer and often jealous of us. If I misbehaved or disagreed with my mother, the presents would be brought up, "how can you treat us this way after everything we have done for you!" Of course for me this continued into adulthood, every time I needed help, and took it, it would be thrown back in my face. If I dared to disagree with her, she would bring up help she had given me to repair my car, years earlier. She never seemed to lack for anything, and for me one of my greatest regrets in my life is that this power dynamic was never changed. As I sink further into poverty, her cackling face haunts me.
So Christmas was weird. My father would get out movie camera and would make us rehearse running down the steps, and seeing our gifts and presents, and would have us repeat such doings until our enthusiasm was pleasing enough for him to record. My golden child sister always got the most presents, some years it was more obvious then others, but she would get at least 5 more gifts then me and my brother. The tables were never turned. Materialism was celebrated and shopping. The week of the holidays we spent at the mall. Today as an adult who lacks all expendable income, thinking about the amount of money spent on the holidays boggles my mind. My mother would make a lavish expensive dinner too usually with some sort of filet mignon or beef roast, I remember costing around $50.00 alone in the 1980s.
One of my friends told me she fears being alone on Christmas, her relatives are all going to other places. I told her she could come here, but watching me cough in bed may not be that exciting and I am mostly housebound. She is seriously worried. Trust me I understand. Imagine being at home with the walls closing in, as everyone else shares family dinners and the rest. There are people out there, who don't have families, and or even friends to spend the holidays with. In some people's cases, they may have people to visit but no money to do it. Imagine being homeless during the holidays. I cannot bear to watch TV with all the greed-fests training the consumers to spend, spend, spend. One cartoon show had the children lamenting not getting their presents.
Even if one has friends, most of them are spending the time with their families. So there are people all alone, and feeling depressed. The happy families on TV , people with presents and Facebook taunt them with their life-long failures. I can take refuge at least in my husband's arms but we both feel sad this time of year. This is the time of year, where I go look at pictures of me in the Spring, to convince myself not to give up. The flowers will come again. The whole mess will be over soon! Don't give up.
Christmas and the holiday season can feel like hell for the ACON. If you are no contact, there can be some pain there. You have gotten away from your abusers, but this often means all the side relatives have teamed up with them instead of you. The invitations fall away, your name gets crossed off holiday card lists. All the expectations fall flat. Some can escape into serving others, I recommend serving at the soup kitchen if you are alone on the holidays, while others face other types of pain. I just want the whole mess to be over with.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
I saw this movie back in the 90s, and was fascinated with it. I always liked The Carpenter's music quite a bit. Of course this being a blog about a 500lb woman, the anorexia world is an inverse and a price the other side pays for the lies and pressures about weight given to women. So many young women and celebrities fall prey to bulimia and anorexia. In this society, you can see why this happens given the abuse for every extra 10 pounds.
Eating disorders are rampant. Karen's use of Ex-lax is nothing I am a stranger to. One of my female relatives swore by them and her bedroom was full of the pink packages of one famous brand. She would shove them into the trash hiding them. Sometimes I think my sister who got very thin by her late 30s developed a late life anorexia, perhaps to avoid my shame with the family? It makes me wonder. The thinner she got the more the family laid on accolades. Anorexia can strike later in life. I still remember the sickness of my grandmother dying of pancreatic cancer losing some weight and people praising this, "She looks so good!"
One thing said about anorexia, is that many of the young women who fall to it's pressures, are brought up in controlling households, where pressure for perfection is never ending. I do not know if the movie portrays the life with the Carpenter's realistically, perhaps it does, but this is a known facet of anorexia. Often these are not the women who are "rebels" but who seek to please parents and authority figures with their "perfect bodies". Imagine being in the public eye too. It does not surprise me one rude comment sends Karen off into anorexia, as she fears appearing "too chubby" and failing her family and public. I wonder if the parents really did keep them living at home into adulthood?
The scene where Karen collapses on stage and she is in the hospital bed and her family is there telling her "no more dieting", "no more laxatives" and "We will all be together again" with the scary music, shows Karen feeling engulfed by her family.
She had a beautiful voice, but sadly she suffered so.
Here is my latest illness. They diagnosed me Thursday morning at the hospital as my face on the right side grew to grandiose proportions. When things swell up, that are not supposed to swell up, life is not happy.
I am on strong antibiotics and got bronchitis too, from the cold and flu from hell. Typhoid Mary at my self-help meeting does not know the hell she unleashed on my life. I've had problems with thrush too due to the use of a COPD inhaler and don't know if this added to it. I have to constantly brush my teeth multiple times everyday. My mouth has been horribly dry and my eyes too for months complicating this whole mess. I wonder if I have Sjorgen's as my eyes feel like dry golf balls. Don't I have enough wrong with me?
My wisdom teeth are impacted but do not seem to be infected but hope those aren't adding to this as well. Sometimes lately I am asking why are so many bad things happening to me? My friends tell me I have been under too much stress and it's true. I'm kind of scared, I'm getting sick so much. As I get older, I know I am worn out.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
I am kind of considered an "outsider artist". Social class can do this when you lack money for good framing and 80-100 dollar art fees, so years ago, I wanted to work outside the typical art system, which lack of money prevented me from entering. I don't think my art work was bad, just that I lacked the connections and cash. There is also another thing that influences this, I just do not fit in the art world very well. One friend told me, you seem to paint and draw in a multitude of styles. Maybe this an Aspie thing. I know artists need a certain "look" . DIY equals DO IT YOURSELF.
One person warned me when I came in with my art work and 500lb plus body that there could be some discrimination happening there too. So my main endeavor is to work outside the system. With the comic I am working on even, it probably will be a self published pin money affair, but I am having fun with it.
Years ago I had a DIY art show in my poorer rural town. I priced the art works at a normal levels where working class people could afford them instead of that hugely expensive art world prices. I sold 8 pieces of my work. Later we would move to our more affluent town and I had a smaller DIY art show with a couple new paintings. I would sell two works from that one.
Here are some pictures from those art shows. [sorry the quality isn't the best, I had a cheap camera back then during those years]
In the future, I would like to have another DIY art show though my attention is more on the comic now, and try my hand at some craft shows. I would like to make a fat themed art show one day which may be kind of an odd idea. One new thing I am into of course is photography.
I do have a bunch of art work, filling up some bins, I did sell off or give away a lot of art over the years.
I still work on the graphic novel. There are 80 panels so far.. I am way too slow at this, with my body needs seeming to take over my life a lot of times but the other day I was even looking up little pigs to draw a pig farm for a panel dealing with Aunt Confused. I finished a panel about being an Aspie. There will be no other comic like this in the world. I'm doing it for fun, don't know what will come of it yet, but am enjoying it.