Saturday, August 12, 2017

Goodbye to My Millionaire Friend

                                                    a very old painting from college I gave her

Yeah I know some of you are asking, "How come Peep is getting rid of everyone?" Yes sometimes I get scared. This is a lot of people, I have walked away from. They all held two things in common, they treated me like my mother and family and they all looked down on me.

 I have examined myself, that I was far too compliant, too weak, too accepting of bad behavior for too long. Why on earth did I end up with all these friends who even socioeconomically looked down on me from the clouds while I was in the basement?

 All I can say is that my upbringing definitely hurt my ability to choose the right kind of people. I also have had the crappiest luck. Some kind and decent friends died, and I moved away from other good people who weren't like this or lost touch. Yeah I know for the last ten years I have mourned moving from my old town. Even people left here, I miss like the art center folks and the people who ran my self help group. Online I do have great friends of course too. I have lost too many people. It has affected the faith crisis too. Finding out one of your "best friends" doesn't care about you either, can be hell on earth.

I found myself getting creeped out when this friend started reminding me more of my mother. You know the other abusers are out of my life, so you are looking at others, and things are reminding you. You get the big gun narcissists out of your life, and then you see the smaller gun ones, but who can just be as damaging. Sometimes when she spoke it would trigger me back to my mother. The coldness, the lack of emotion, the imperviousness about life and lack of fear, also stood out to me. She even would say odd things to me, when I spoke of vulnerability in life, "I know I will live as long as my grandparents did into their 90s."

 Here's the weirdest thing for FIVE YEARS, I asked her to read my blog. She has computers, smart phones and full access to the internet, and she refused to come over here. What was that deal? I thought okay maybe she got busy, or distracted and one day recently I suggested it again, told her the name and everything, and she comes over here.... and the reaction is horrific... She hates this blog! Oh it's not the fat articles, she understands my metabolism and Lipedema, it's the ACON ones. She insulted it. It's the reaction like the relatives.

Basically the attitude is how dare you say you say you are abused and she tells me all my perceptions are wrong. Now this really floors me. Why? She SAW some of the verbal abuse. My mother used to call her a lesbian. Read the story of my first going no contact, she was there, and they insulted her too.

Where we ever really friends? She wrote this to me and invalidated my entire blog and me with this statement: "I will likely never know what financial challenges are, so I can’t put myself in your position, in reality nobody has had exactly the same life experiences, even children growing up in the same house will remember things differently. Everything that parents do while raising a child can be defined as abuse. Just because my mother had a temper and there was lots of arguing doesn’t mean I was verbally abused."

I got the  "you need to let go". speeches too. What gets me, is she could see on this blog, my writing about them had diminished. Time alone has shrunk any talking about them. I don't know what is going on. Outside the weird house crap in the last year and resultant email, I am out of the loop. What gets me is I was supportive to her, when she talked about how her own mother engulfed her, and then went into dementia, but I guess when it comes to my problems, there is no equal billing.

She wrote me, "I have nothing to apologize for. I had a conversation about two houses, one that I actually went and looked at. As of now, that is all I have done. It has actually helped make some progress in getting my house organized; because when/if I do move this house will be packed ujp to be shown and a fair amount of maintenance work done before being listed. In my discussions with **** on this issue, she was in or above my position once and had friends in yours or similar to yours. At no time did they have a falling out, these people, some of whom I've met were always happy for her good fortune."

During our email fight, as she just came back with very cold narcissistic answers and talked down to me like an uncaring social worker, I decided I was done. I ended the friendship. I am sure I will be deemed the "jealous" loser. At one point she even blamed me for my husband's career problems. Like I chose any of that?

What is creepy is I didn't even talk about my family that much with her especially in the last few years. In the last year, they are ebbing away fast in my mind so it was even far less. I got the feeling it "bothered" her so I kept my mouth shut. Her family left her 2-4 million dollars, so maybe she's got a little more love for hers but what I noticed was empathy missing. When we met in college she was already 6 figures wealthy with money left direct to her from an uncle, but got more inheritances later in life, including the final in 2011 when her mother died. While I worked at the various jobs, she went through college in ease. She didn't have have to hold a job during graduate school when we both shared an apartment.

The very few times I brought my family up, she was defending them. It started weirding me out. I told her, "I think my mother got the house foreclosed on," It never went on the market after that one email. And she piped up basically saying "Oh your mother is still financially viable". It was weird stuff like that. She was against my adoption search, and to her, I did admit, I could have a genetic tie to ANOTHER relative, so why the anger, why the lack of support? Her and the Army friend exactly matched on these stances. These things all weighed on me for years.

 In fact one reason things lasted as long as they did is because she came out to visit me, unlike the family. She would come out twice a year and spend a couple days with me. I really thought this was because she cared about me. You know letting actions speaking for themselves. I discussed coming out her way but she said, "That wouldn't work, there's no place for you to sleep."  The logistics for me would have been very difficult. I put up with a lot thinking, "Well she cares enough to come visit a couple times a year" and thinking this way, I would set some increasing worries aside.

Sometimes when one is on the lonely end of life, and doesn't have very many real world friends they see, you can get stuck in the mode of thinking, "Well I am not going to challenge this friend, I got so few friends right now". ACON recovery changed that about me. I started being more aware of things. It brought a lot into question. I plan to write about this more later, but I realized from a Facebook group, even normal, thin, healthy and not clinically depressed women, are having problems making, keeping and finding close friends.

We did have an intellectual compatibility. I made the error here too of mistaking her shyness and remove from other people for being a possible fellow Aspie. She never was diagnosed and rejected the label herself but I could talk to her about art, and politics and other subjects other people did not get.        

We could have fun touring museums, going to restaurants, and watching movies, though I noticed more and more we could talk about everything in her life, but many subjects on my end, were "unacceptable". I enjoyed time with her and focused on the positive, I liked going to the places we did and many of our activities.  We had a long history together. Maybe that is limited in keeping a friendship going too as people can change with time. We roomed together for two years in college, and then had an apartment together while I was working at the juvenile home and she was in graduate school.

There was problems though even years ago. A lot of times she did hurt me. One time she visited with this other mutual college friend who was a bridesmaid in my wedding too, and they kept making fun of me together and ganging up on me. I stopped having that mutual college friend visit me, but that remained inside my mind. I thought of the treatment when we were living together and she got with a young man, I had noted interest in first. I had missed a bullet and a half as he moved in with her while cheating on her, and would go on to meet my husband a few years later but that first betrayal was there.  In 1995, she had come to visit me in Chicago, and she was horrified by my poverty, and she something like "Why don't you have a trash can in your bathroom?" it was something stupid, and thoughtless, and we got in a giant argument, and I made her get out of my car dropping her off near the bus station and we would not talk for more then a year and half. So trouble was brewing even years ago. No relationship is perfect, but even then as I look back on our history, I realized she looked down on me and had little respect. 

 Religiously she had introduced me to the UU when I left my family's church. She grew up in it but later left it. She did not like it when I became a Christian and sometimes would make joking references to God being "my invisible best friend". I never told her of the recent faith problems because I didn't want to be told, "I told you so.

However especially in the last few years I felt everything was not safe to talk about there were also other issues as you will see. The conversations from my end felt more strained. She would happily chat about her friends, and life, and I was interested but she took very little interest in mine.   I know I changed with time too.  She would tell me at times she was lonely and I told her, I faced loneliness as well, and sometimes it seemed to me we were connecting then but maybe not given what happened later.  I sought more closeness with her, since the friendship had survived for so long but in many ways she just kept slamming the door in my face and that reminded me of my mother and other relatives too.

One thing affecting the visits, is as I aged, my health has declined, the shopping got more restricted, I couldn't go to as many stores without facing serious fatigue. Our visits were planned during non-housebound times, but I was slowing down.

Recently during our last conversation, she noted irritation even with someone else she knew for talking about abuse as a child and adult and their resultant depression. This gave me immediate flashbacks to how my mother would talk to people, anyone relaying troubles was a problem. Sometimes I feel like warning this person, but I've been down that road long enough to know I could be buying trouble and would not be believed. One statement in an email deeply troubled me where she wrote that an ACON threatening suicide on a message board only wanted "attention". Here we see out and out disdain and lack of empathy for abuse victims. When she came out against so ardently against ACONs, that crossed a line.  She must have found me on an ACON message board I go to, googling the term "fivehundredpoundpeep". I used to post the same things on there I do here, sometimes trying out topics before blogging on them. She wrote me this:

 "Let’s discuss that whole narcissist concept/diagnosis. Just because you spend a lot of time on that board, doesn’t make you an expert on the topic. And from my perspective, you seem to have become one yourself, having to be right about everything and be the center of attention; accusing me pf being loyal to people I have had no contact with in more than 2 decades. **********has a friend who is on your ACON board and has been threatening suicide for the last 6 months just to get attention from anyone who will listen. Message boards are a good outlet, but they are not a sole form of therapy that makes anyone into an expert on any topic."

Anyhow, during my recovery process, and I am finally moving into the "What Next?" phase, and trying to figure out what to do with my life free of abusive people, she did not offer me much support. She was always defensive of my family to the point, I limited bringing them up even during the more painful early NC days. Around here now, I tell people I have no family and infer except for my husband that they are all dead. It is easier that way. Some online FB friends and others who read this blog know the true story but for new people who are local, it is something I want to shut the door on. There was one point where I even said to her straight on, on the phone, "You knew I was abused why do you keep defending my mother?" "Don't you even remember how she treated you?" 

 Remember the Army friend, the one who hoovered me? Millionaire now ex-Friend and Army ex-Friend went to the same high school together. Millionaire friend introduced me to Army friend. We had mutual visits with each other for years. The Army friend comes from a multi-million dollar family too. When her parents die, she will be as wealthy as the other friend too if not more.Both of them grew up in one of the wealthiest suburbs in my state.

Yes I know it's weird that poor me ended up with such wealthy friends from a state college but remember my family had money too though my immediate family was more in the 6 figure range and outer relatives were more wealthy like them.

What is strange is remember when I talked about looking up things and trying to get the truth, I looked up my Army friend and found out she lied to me for (30 years!) about where her father worked. He worked for at a company that had massive  multimillion dollar supply contacts with the US Army, and then I found out this company where he was vice president had major and multiple contacts with the specific branch, office and government agency my parents worked for. It kind of explains to me why she skyrocketed in promotions.  Her father is retired now, but I found myself wondering, "Were my friends chosen for me?" I know this sounds VERY strange, and I wonder if it is just a coincidence and don't want to become a conspiracy theorist about my own life, but it bothered me greatly. Their defenses of my family grew so strident, and it made no sense even from their end. This is why I wondered about things even if I am wrong.  The Army friend betrayed me in some serious ways. The other webs I had discovered my mother weaving certainly were vast enough.

Both friends seemed to act like they still had contact with my family. They defended my family, they were AGAINST my going no contact, and they stood against my adoption search. This means these friendships were doomed at that conjecture. Yes all of these felt like betrayals, built up and then I knew I had to walk. With the Army friend, she hid the reality of one famous uncle from me, which was odd and told me one brother was a drinker, and poor when he was another uber- wealthy financier. The endless lies were exposed. I couldn't trust any of them anymore. Some of the direct treatment was enough to walk too.

The last fight with the millionaire friend began this way.  She told me her 1200-1800 square foot house in a nice suburb was not big enough especially for her growing glass collection, and that she wanted to buy a house worth more then half a million with 4-5 bedrooms. I live in a poorer fly-over state so these houses would be around 3 million alone in California or maybe around 1 million in cost in Chicago. The houses she chose to look at ranged around the 5,000 square feet mark. I went online to look at her potential houses on Zillow.  They were huge mansions.

When she raised this topic, I wanted to ignore this and dropped some major hints but she pressed on but she told me to look them up and I did. She has no children or partner and wants to live in one of these giant houses alone which creeped me out. I also did not fail to notice she selected houses with giant staircases even on the outside, I probably would not even be able to get inside due to disabilities if I ever was able to visit. The week she was telling me about her real estate plans, we were very low on groceries, and had no money. I was stressed out to the hilt. Our food co-op had encountered supply issues that week so even that source for groceries had been diminished. The last thing I was in the mood for was hearing about a woman who had been given everything in life bragging about her new real estate plans.

One thing, while she would get me used estate sale items such as some used Tupperware or some pots and pans,  bought me health food store shampoo and gave me gift cards for my birthday, she was the type that did not like to mix money and friendship which is a boundary I adhered to. On my end I would make her paintings for gifts. I gave her one last Christmas.

I don't want to be begging to people myself.  That's enough to bring on loads of shame. People have helped me unasked many times in life, but I am not the type to go begging and well, sometimes inside, I would wonder, "Why isn't she helping me?" especially when things got dire. Her real estate bragging and my personal circumstances that week did not mesh. Some of you may even be in shock reading this entry, if you are a long-time reader of this blog, to realize Peep had two millionaire "friends" from college during all the severe poverty.

It did get painful during her visits while she paid for the very rare lunch maybe once every 6 visits, she could easily drop 500 dollars in front of me buying jewelry and house items , at the various local antique shops we went to. From my end, I had saved very carefully around 40 dollars to go out to lunch, and to have entry fees to the museums or art center for the few days she was here. I could not afford any jewelry or antiques. It got depressing. I never recovered in some ways from the lost of my husband's career  and that move 10 years ago. Sometimes I still want to double over in grief where my life has ended up. No one seems to care about the pain supposedly "its all my fault". Now I know hanging out with Lenora Helmsley was a bit extreme and hard on my pysche.

                                                       two other college era paintings  I gave her.

 I never feel like I could depend on her in a pinch, or that she was really there for me. Does that make sense? One doesn't want to mix friendship and money but I started wondering how she could watch me flounder even with the groceries with no help. I had too much pride to ask direct but she knew what was going on. We got money that week, and chances are I never would have had to ask, because my husband got another new transcription job, that paid a bit more but it got to me.

Maybe a friendship with such vast socioeconomic differences is doomed to failure anyway. She never even attempted to understand my life or even how I lived. It triggered me too, as my blog readers here know, my self esteem has taken a battering because of my better off family that put me down for poverty and it's not easy living in an upper middle class area I have stayed in for better medical and other resources. All these issues mixed together.

I realized with horror, she did look down on me and it wasn't going to get better. Chances were, I was not going to win a big money Lotto to be an equal. Someone on here commented once, that the only friendships that truly work out are ones of equals. I believe people of different socioeconomic groups can be friends, I have even had homeless friends myself, and known friends in the six figure category, but there, the people have to see themselves as equal human beings, not with one seeing themselves as superior and the other as an underling.
She treated me like a burden, like she could see sitting on her stoop one day. Her mother by the way 20 years ago told her to dump me as a friend because I was "too poor". A few years ago, she told me once if I ever became homeless she would never take me in. I don't even remember how the topic came up.  I know my feelings about her changed. She knew I'd always move into a disabled apartment first as an adult before living under someone else's domain, but that bothered me. My mother held that same attitude. They looked at me like I didn't deserve anything.

Some months earlier she had let the bomb drop, that she spent more then I live on every year on accupuncture alone, at her local holistic health clinic. That kind of floored me. She gets other treatments too, so this told me how vast things were between us. It bothered me. 

She has the right to spend her money on whatever she wants, and to live her own life, but I knew a rupture in values was occurring. I started seeing her as very materialistic and self absorbed. Not all rich people live that way either. It drove me crazy instead that even with just 1/10th of her money the goals, dreams and opportunities I would have far more access too. I got angry about the lack of imagination. Maybe this was judgmental on my part but she was always focused on STUFF. I remember odd conversations with her, where I would ask her, "How come you don't travel?" "Why not explore that avenue of life?"  I wondered why she had no greater yearnings. I hope this makes sense.I had bad thoughts that she was just like my mother, where stuff meant everything to her and that she had become shallow. One day on the phone, I got angry and asked "Where is your imagination?" And why on earth do you just want to buy a giant mausoleum and fill it up with stuff?"

It is sad to end a 30 year old friendship and now I have ended two of them. The main reason I ended it was her lack of empathy. I also realized with horror she had no emotional investment in me. Why did she even visit me?   I can't spend my life being around people who see me as inferior to them. My ACON recovery has changed what I will put up with in people, and I know my ice queen mother led me to far too many ice queen friends. One day watching the show Hoarders, I saw this woman who even had serious problems, being hugged and shown love by a friend. It made me burst out in tears seeing that. My friend didn't even care enough to get upset enough over the demise of a 30 year friendship.

I do think when psychologists warn abused people they will re-enact the abuse in other relationships this is true. Like my mother, she took no interest in who I was. I was a reflection for her. Reading my blog, would have meant seeing me as an actual individual, so that is why she refused for some many years.

When I did end the friendship, it did hurt, that she never broke out of social worker mode and never showed one emotion about it. She never attempted to apologize or to patch things up. I told her in my last letter if she had, and showed any care for me, that would have stopped me ending the friendship in my tracks. 

Here is what I wrote:

"I can tell from the tone of these letters your emotional investment in me is very little.  You don't want to be close and do not see me as a person of any worth. You defend my abusers and use cold social worker language on me instead of the responses one would expect a friend of 30 years to make. Maybe my expectations were too high and you just saw me as an activity buddy. Our expectations of friendships do not match. Right now I know I can't even talk to you about anything deep and meaningful anymore because I am judged as "not letting go" and being "too emotional" and always the one in the "wrong". Because you are treating me the same as my family did as a person of no worth and someone you do not love or care about, I am walking away for good. I doubt you will feel much pain over this as I will,but I made the decision, that I would give you one last chance to give me in these emails ONE KIND WORD or degree of sympathy and empathy, before I walked away and you failed and failed miserably."

Is Sinead O' Connor Now Homeless?

What happened to all her money? I find myself wondering if her abusive family or abusive agents have grabbed control of her finances using her mental illness to do so. I doubt someone who ripped up the Pope's picture, and who warned rightly about sexual abuse with the Vatican, would be cutting much of a break from Catholic dominant Irish courtrooms. It is sad and pathetic that someone of this much fame, would be left to fester alone in a hotel room.  It shocks me there isn't one fan, helping her out to keep her off the streets. There's no social worker out there who can't help get her into an apartment or to find placement for her or anything? Something is really wrong with this picture.

As I have written on here before I believe Sinead O'Connor has been punished for daring to diss the Pope on live TV for decades and is also the scapegoat in her family. She may have serious bipolar or personality disorder issues, I don't know, but I believe her abuse in her case made her mentally ill. Some know the toll the entertainment world takes on many with their deep dark evils. She probably had many hanger-ons and false friends at the peak of fame who simply dumped her and walked away as she aged. Many mentally ill people are abandoned by their families. I wonder if some took her money and ran with it. I never knew of Sinead O Connor taking hard drugs or living high on the hog to have gone through her multimillions so where is her money?

Here's some of the latest:

Sinead O' Connor accuses manager of identity theft 

 Sinead O'Connor Attempts Suicide: Was She a Victim of Narcissists Too?

Thursday, August 3, 2017

So Wonder Your Kid Comes Home From School Starving

Without a doubt cheaper food has less nutrients in it.  I agree with the scientists who say obesity is a malnutrition problem. When I have more money I go on a salad and vegetable quest.  When I think of eating out on the rare occasions I can, I think of lettuce and cut vegetables and meat, not sugar. Cheap food sucks. Processed food is gross. The bags of potato chips and Chip Ahoy cookies did me no favors as a child. Please give your kids REAL FOOD.

Reversed Policies

Yotsuba: Japanese Manga

The last couple of years I have been reading some Japanese Manga and anime. These have been volumes mostly checked out from various area libraries. The Yotsuba series is about 10 years old and written for a younger audience. I found it very endearing. The comics starring a young girl who is excited by life and new experiences are very sweet, and funny.  I've always had a fascination with Japanese culture though I never have visited Japan.

Boogie On Why People Get Fat

He believes in CICO and "the dream" of being thin, I no longer do. I have to "fight" to not even gain, and yes it gets scary.  I only lost 13lbs last year from 537 down to 524. [Water and fluids can impact this weight of course too] This even took effort. Yes I probably have it far more complicated with severe Lipedema and other issues, but maybe with him they never discovered what is wrong.

Two months ago I hurt my ankle, this is one reason you have seen a bit less of me. I can still walk on it, but it has been in pain for a long time. I am scared of gaining weight from having to stay off of it. It has driven me crazy, my usual "walks" were wiped away. They did an X-ray and didn't find any cracks. I had managed to walk a block for the first time in years, what did it do? My ankle said "Screw you, I am out of here!".  Being fat sucks. It didn't break down that particular day, I was on this gung-ho quest to walk and take pudge off and wore my ankle out. Well I always had taken short walks to keep from gaining but I was trying to expand my territory.

Boogie does bring up abuse in the video, in this blog in the past, I have put up posts about how abuse has been connected to obesity in studies, I do not think this is an "overeaters" or food addicts issue, but one related to sustained levels of cortisol, and the effects of stress on the brain. I do believe there is a tie between my extreme abuse and what became of my health, definitely. The pictures of me as an otherwise not yet fat but plump 9 year old with a giant huge moon face, spoke for themselves. My cortisol probably was through the roof.

If anyone can escape obesity all the best to them. If I won the Lotto, I'd go on some vacations and then maybe put myself in a spa with a fancy health food chef and attached gym. Anyhow, I feel for Boogie too, in his case he's managed in other areas of life pretty well. I hope he makes it through his weight loss surgery okay. I am in the place I do not know what more to do. I'll go buy a bunch of vegetables tomorrow, the chicken breasts, the "proper" food which I have to do to keep the diabetes at bay anyhow, and do what I can, but there's a point you can only do so much.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Recovering From Bad Religion

The battle with God continues, and I am hoping the price of this will not be my faith entirely. You know you got trouble with God when most of your prayers are complaints like, "Why does everything default to bad?" and "Why don't You listen to me and show me a little bit of love?" I was warned years ago that faith can shipwreck on the Bitter Island, and it is a fear, but God's silence and seeming not to care, has worn me down.

Why am I so angry at God? It started with Aunt Scapegoat's death and seeing evil "win". I have spent 10 years trying to claw myself and husband out of a ditch with no success. Maybe it is a midlife crisis married to being worn down by 20-30 years of really bad health or seeing dreams of close Christian fellowship and other ideals dying on the vine. It is hard to explain. It's like Christian ideals hitting a wall of cold hard reality. My life did not turn out. Outside some good online friends and husband, I am almost friendless in this world The idea that "everything will work out" on top of so many broken dreams has not worked.

Already being out of the churches, I have realized many of my beliefs are very different from many evangelicals and others. They already consider me an apostate for leaving and sleeping in on Sunday morning. My renouncement of Trump has made me the "devil's child" among some Christian circles. My old pastor on Facebook seemed to infer I really was never saved, because of doubts I have shared with him. I knew my salvation was sincere years ago. That troubled me a lot! I had negative thoughts about him, wondering what could he know of my life with his boat, mission trips to Africa and 4 children and good health?

[I didn't follow these rules, the no birth control one is absurd and more for the Quiverfuls, but the rest was a given in the IFB]

 One thing I never fit in with a lot of Christian people. I talked about how there was the whole Stepford affect in the churches, where "perfect" people insisted I be perfect too. You know there's a problem when you never saw any divorced, childless, or disabled people in any of the IFB, or mainstream evangelical churches you visited. Many Christians seem to live in a Christian bubble. They only are friends with other Christians, and their families are Christian. In the IFB, converts were far rarer then you'd imagine but I noticed this in other mainstream evangelical churches I visited and attended too. The culture was one I never really fit in. Socioeconomically I did not fit in with most Christian families. How was I to relate to homeschooling mothers? I was a convert in, a seeker that decided Christianity was true, and this seemed to mark me for life, as "other" anyhow.

It seemed like some of them wanted to squash all originality and creativity out of me. They wanted me to "conform", I couldn't if I wanted to.  All curiosity was to be suppressed. I got this repressed feeling like I was trying to be someone I really wasn't when I went to church. Even my desire to explore scripture in depth in the last church was not welcomed. Uniqueness was not tolerated. The pastors always seemed irritated by anything of depth being discussed. My husband just being who he was, offended the last one at every turn.

Sometimes I got the feeling with some Christians, they were trying to fit this idea of what they think a "Christian" should talk about, dress like and act like. It was like they had this idea in their head, and the churches definitely promoted this. Some came across as insincere, speak Christianese. Some phrases bored me like "Bless your heart" and "The Lord has placed it on my heart to tell you..." and worried me that they were just used as silencing and control mechanisms. 

 Culturally I didn't know the "script" or the way of life, I could never afford or emulate, and I faltered massively. While the first church was nice, my eyes didn't really open about how they saw me until later. In the other churches, I was this weirdo, they put up with. My clothes were different too. My husband refused to wear a suit to IFB church like the other men wore and didn't even own one that still fit, well you get the idea. Intellectually I seem to piss most of them off. I imagined deep conversations, close fellowship, and had dreams about having a close "church family".  In the boat pastor's church , they did help some and seemed to care, that was very rare and short-lived. I would learn that church closed from severe in-fighting that Aspie me was not privy to.

I have had some negative thoughts about the Christian world lately that have bothered me.  The perfect storm of spiritual abuse, the present political situation and many unanswered prayers has had me questioning God and religion quite a bit. If my relationship with God is to last, I cannot love an authoritarian God that just seeks to punish and hurt me, who I am afraid of in a bad way. My leaving fundamentalism has affected my life, and sometimes I wonder if fundamentalism was attractive to me because of my abuse history. 

 I worry I became a Christian in the first place via fear of death. Everyone here has read my tales of medical woes where my lungs almost wiped me out and the multiple bouts of sepsis almost ended my life very early. I was a full blown atheist, UU and a "hellbound" pagan, agnostic and atheist by the age of 17.  I had "deconverted" from Catholicism in my early teens.

 I became born again in my mid 30s, the Bible and God's Word really did give me solace when I was very sick. I wanted to find meaning and hope in life, truth and God. I was a strong seeker, I had spent over a decade reading and studying religions. When I was in college majoring in art education, I had a dual education at the same time.  Whenever I had a spare minute, hanging out on the top floor of the college library, I read every book I could find on the religions of the world. I read everything from the Koran to the Egyptian Book of the Dead to Kabbalah writings to the Bible. My seeking was very important to my life. My husband told me when he met me, my fascination with religion intrigued him, and that normal girls didn't think about such deep issues and he liked that about me.

I still consider myself a Christian, but I fit less and less in the mainstream Christian world.I don't want to follow the Rick Warrens of the world with their globalist ideals, that really seem to be just colonialism under a Christian mask, or the "Be positive set" who tell me God has a plan for my life when everything seems to be crumbling, or the Republican world where I am supposed to believe that richer people are "better people".  It's not working for me. I don't fit in the churches, but I know being a Christian has made me feel very alone. A lot of other Christian people are nice people don't get me wrong, but when it comes to me fitting in with them, its like chalk and cheese. I have an edge to me, most will never understand.


The Christian world for disabled people can be a very dangerous place. Religionists can make hash of disabled people's minds. They will tell us things like standing up for rights is for the evil left, and that are our health problems have risen from some kind of wickedness. In my case there will be no returning to church outside of some government funded charity and a fiction book club, I can't take it anymore. People in my situation who have faced abuse, or who have serious disabilities, or poverty problems, it's a feeding frenzy. The years of pity, false promises, demands for self improvement, conformity and the rest have just worn me out. There's too many who will run victory laps on your head just to show you off, as a broken down human with their derision. Sadly for religious narcissists, stressed, frazzled and frightened people are easier to control, the intellectual repression and denial of the true human conditions and emotions, got beyond my toleration long ago. What purpose is there for me to be in a place where I am told to constant repress my true feelings all the time? I had enough of that within my family.

Even in the non prosperity gospel churches, there is always that belief that God is blessing those whose lives are going well, and if life is going badly well that must mean God does not have favor on you or you are out of obedience or as my spiritual abusing deliverance minister told me, that I must be cursed. Can God handle my real thoughts, emotions and intellectual curiosity even if so many in the churches could not?

I believe religion is a often control matrix. I followed the path of being one of those Christians outside the system, long ago, but then I noticed I was so outside the religious reservation, I was standing outside alone. I wanted there to be a loving God you see, and still do but where is the love in all this control and threatened "beat-downs"? Being a broken down, disabled person in USA society with low-income, I don't need God's representatives beating me up too.

Spiritual seeking and intellectual inquiry, isn't very welcomed in a lot of Christian circles. Even having a discussion disputing whether the Bible speaks of "sheol" and the "grave" instead of a conscious burning eternal torment in hell, got me in trouble with some Christians online. Hell has always been a sticking point to me. At least I found some who questioned these ideas.

One thing that bothered me in the IFB, they always seemed to want us afraid. Afraid of the Apocalypse, afraid of the new world order- I do still believe a cadre of uber wealthy people do abuse a lot of power, afraid of the liberals, afraid of the world blowing up, afraid of the nuclear war. Afraid of going to hell--the big one---if you fall away and don't do God's bidding [to the legalistic ones] you will be burnt like a piece of toast on a spit.

Choose at random any political or news website for evangelical Christians, and notice how fear runs the show. Fear and control, and authoritarianism to the hilt. Trump will save us! "We need more prisons" the evangelicals demand while at the same time writing scary conspiracy stuff about how all the FEMA Camps will round us up. They don't realize how they contradict themselves, after all Jesus got put on the cross at the behest of a overweening state so their worship of power, is even more sickening. The fact most of the churches support our political oppressors, says something. They bow before the eugenics, racists, and the world caste system. If you don't kneel to this power, you are considered a heretic too. The fact the majority are following blindly after Trump, and they don't care if you question the left too. This is enough to disenfranchise many from the evangelical and Christian world. They are so afraid they chose the biggest baddest abusers and sociopaths. There's probably many Christians who see through the political lies, running for the church exits now. These recent events have me rethinking a lot about this world and how God is presented in the Christian world and how religion is used for fear and control.

I had enough to worry about from my own body and trying to stay off the streets, I think I got tired. And how do I explain the disappointment? Scripture promised me loving fellowship and kind hands to pray over me when I was sick. What did I get? Loneliness, and mean churches that made me more afraid and added to my abuse and trauma. Judgment.

[notice how you get abused and rejected and you are the demonized one instead of the abusers?]

I wrote here about my spiritual abuse at the hands of a deliverance ministry. I encountered a spiritual abuser who told me because I was so sick, and had a huge body because I had been cursed. She said it was causing my poverty and other problems. In the IFB, I had been taught I had to be holy or I would not have God's blessings. Deliverance was not frowned upon in the IFB but was promoted to a degree. Deliverance Ministries are total poison. She told me I would die, soon if I was not delivered. I am embarrassed to even have fallen for this crap, and while I thought she was a bit weird, I thought what harm can more prayer do?  So I did the deliverance prayers etc, but she got weirder and weirder and more abusive. She tried to get me to go to her house out of state and stay with her, I refused.  I found out later, from what people wrote online, she had actually manipulated some to go to her house and did more emotional damage to them seeking power and control. I cut her off, as she gave me her "curse" talk. I was done. The goal posts were always moving. I hung up the phone and cut her off for good.

[hereditary Illness? I guess I'm screwed]

In Christianity, I felt like nothing was ever good enough. I may have erred myself in seeking after a doctrinal purity, though I wasn't the type to abuse anyone or boss them around or act like the Church Lady on SNL. I was told God was not blessing me due to my disobedience and rebellion. I was rebuked for keeping so many non-Christian friends and told it was my bad example that was keeping my husband from being saved. I was told both directly and indirectly that God had given me health problems due to my wickedness. I was told in only good Republicans with nice homes and big families counted. Even the "saved by grace" crowd, makes constant holiness demands. I got tired.

My most healthy approach to life, may be just holding on to the ideals that led me to Christianity in the first place but I can't have anything to do with the mainstream or evangelical Christian world anymore. I don't want to go to church not even a liberal church. I already spent over 12 years in the very liberal Unitarian Universalist Association, which by the way is a place many seekers end up. In some strange ways churches are all alike. Even the creedless church had it's ranks, and demands I could not match.

Religion for me became a bad thing. I got tired of being made afraid. The goal posts were always moving. The promises for my life never turned out. My own prayer life has become shambles, as I feel like I am speaking to empty space and God does not answer.  I realize now that my abusive background has impacted my religious yearnings, and my own relationship with God. With God, I got into this mode of being the endless "pleaser", in my mind wrongly or rightly He became just another narcissist that I was never "good enough for". So many of His representatives focused on my shortcomings, I got burned out.

[spiritual abuse]

I care about love, justice and freedom. Maybe God will have mercy for that. A lot of the Christian world scares me and with the march of Trump and his men, the blatant growing brutality in the mainstream evangelical and Dominionist world is making itself known. Some of the Christians will claim those against the right are for the "natural order", they will teach us false obedience while twisting Romans 13. They stress obedience and authority and they worship a "god" in my own mind that has grown more brutal. The worship of power and the uber rich, goes with their slavish devotion to the hierarchical political and religious system. They are the Pharisees of the modern day.

Catholicism,anxiety, depression and coming out of a narcissistic abusive household was a very, very bad mix. Try getting slapped around eating a bologna sandwich during Lent because it's Friday in March and you forgot. It was just freaking psychotic. Beatings, screaming, cussing and then Mass and religious displays, I know all of this formed some weird stuff in my mind. When I became an atheist as a young person, I was called a heathen and condemned. I was HATED for not conforming and that has affected me lifelong. You know life has gone crazy when your mother finds an atheist/freethought/humanist pamphlet in your college book bag, and chases you through the house to hit you. The false piety among all the evil, was a joke. Why would I put up with Christians trying to make me conform and silencing me now when I have put up with some much spiritual abuse earlier?  The family is long gone due to my no contact, but I have no interest in people who will condemn me for inquiry and my own beliefs.

I do wonder if my spiritual and other abuse played a role in me in me going into fundamentalist Christianity. I know I was attracted to a world that seemed more special and holy then this one, and imagined loving and caring people who lived out their values, instead of people wearing masks and making demands. There has to be some conflation with my going no contact from abusers several years ago, and questioning some spiritual and religions edicts and taking a look at my religious journey. 

I have realized a la Paul Walker, I have a very unhealthy fawn, flight or freeze approach to God.  As I got deeper into fundamentalist Christianity, I realized there were overlaps with my childhood abuse and my severe anxiety disorders and C-PTSD [I was diagnosed with PTSD by several therapists in my past]. I don't know where the future lies with my relationship with God and still consider myself a Christian now, although I am in a place of examination and doubt, but I know I can't do the fundamentalist fear thing anymore. I don't know if my faith will survive and I will remain an alternative "out of the church system" Christian or what the future will hold.

 I have had troubling thoughts about God seeming like one of my abusers, with threats of hell for those who refuse to do His bidding, and demands for perfection and holiness.  Even in the salvation by grace system, there still remain expectations of holiness and freedom from sin. I was never loved by my parents and I do not feel loved by God right now, some may say this is due to my own sin, but those kind of people I need to avoid right now, if I am to find God's love once again. There is an abuse trap people can fall into where they seek to "please" God in finding that worthiness their families denied them. Legions of demanding "church ladies" who promised me good health, miracles and more based on "performance", were just a continuation of my earlier abuse in life for "not being enough". Religion and churches can prey on broken people who seek wholeness, but some of them destroy us more and become proxies for our former abusers.

As a past scapegoat, I have been refusing all abuse in my life. This means doing away with direct and indirect spiritual abuse too. This has changed the religious terrain. It has taken me out of fundamentalism. All the bowing and scraping and saying "Please love me", and "seeking approval", I ditched all the abusers I was "never good enough for" and is this spilling out to God? It definitely spilled out to the IFB. So wonder I got the idea that life was all about performance and following rules. So I fell for the idea of religious rules outlining a certainty, trying so desperate HARD to obtain a what was deemed a "PROPER" life and trying to find a place to "fit in" and I never found it.

The biblical Tribulation is no big deal when I had my fear up to the gills in the PTSD horror house I grew up in and took with me into adulthood. I can't have a good relationship with God when I see Him the same as my abusers where nothing is ever good enough and I wonder why my life has been left in the ditch. I do know this, I can't believe in a cruel "god" anymore. I'm out of the IFB forever. I'm done with gaslighting, mindcontrol and being told what to think and feel anymore. It is time to recover from bad religion.