Saturday, July 30, 2016

200lbs


And they would say "Aargh I'm so fat" to the woman who is 500lbs or over.....which always blew my mind. I would say somthing look compared to me, someone who is 300lbs is THIN.  It's usually a bad deal for me to be around someone who thinks they are fat at 180lbs and has to tell ultra-fat me about it. Sure I know 30lbs over the norm, I know trouble begins, I have empathy for that, but when I weigh this much, it doesn't make my life easier.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

My Legs Won't Stop Growing


"The East Orange resident is beginning to see signs of improvement after undergoing the first sessions in a series of grueling liposuction treatments to help reduce the symptoms of her lipedema - a chronic disorder that causes fatty tissue to accumulate around her lower body.
Page hopes to prevent her legs from growing further before her upcoming wedding, tentatively scheduled for sometime next year.
The 36-year-old is the subject of a new documentary called "My Legs Won't Stop Growing," premiering on Monday night at 10 p.m. on TLC. Page said her disease became visible when she was about seven years old and got worse when she reached her early twenties.
Greuner plans to perform 10 to 12 surgeries on Page over the next four or so years.
Page is speaking out about her condition now to honor her mother, who passed away from complications with lipedema in September of last year.
Last year, Karen Herbst, one of the top leading specialists for lipedema in the U.S., posted on Facebook that TLC was looking for subjects for the documentary "My Legs Won't Stop Growing."

I missed this show last night and really wanted to see it. Katia has stage IV ipedema/lipolymphedema like me. In her case, her legs grew more severe.  Does anyone have a good TV guide, online is not helping me to tell me when the episode will be rerun. I have heard Katia Page speak on Lipedema, and she had good things to say and has an inspiring attitude. She is realistic in sharing what severe Lipedema can challenge a person with. Lipedema makes more then just the legs grow but other parts of the body too like the hips and lower stomach. If you enter lipo-lymphedema, this means swelling and fluids can come body-wide too.  Every stage IV lady I have met has had relatives with the condition. I feel for Katia's loss of her mother over this condition.

  My Legs Won't Stop Growing

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Old Pals?


Old Friends: Bill and Donald

The End


This one made me laugh. I was out with husband, and I had forgotten my camera. I forget what we were going to go do. I said something like, "Do we have to take pictures to prove we did something, and that we lived life?" It's almost like that. I don't own a camera phone in my case, this is a 2000 era digital era camera someone gave me. The better Nikkon digital camera gave up the ghost the other day, probably got tired from so much picture taking.

Hot Summer


This picture was taken by me a couple years old. The sky may as well be orange and on fire since it's something like 105 degrees outside. The air conditioner keeps me alive. I wonder how people survived before air conditioning. I lived without it at a camp for three months and that was a hot summer but I was young and probably didn't feel the heat as much yet and could breathe. The air is so heavy outside, that I haven't even been able to walk in the apartment building hall but have paced back and forth in an inside hall to get a little exercise. Sometimes cold feels more cozy while heat just wears one out. I have a sheen of sweat all over me when its even just 75 degrees out now.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

The Super Humans



My husband and I used to talk about how the disabled are portrayed in media. I told him to be "worthwhile" as a disabled person you had to be successful or exhibit some special skill and make money and achieve fame in it.  He said his sister once made a snide comment about "flap with your fins" stories regarding the viewing of disabled people. It's like the only worthwhile disabled person is if you have some extreme talent or can teach yourself to paint with no arms. I note in this video, people missing limbs with otherwise healthy bodies seem to predominate. There are some paralyzed people. The media portrayal of "inspirational" disabled people gets extreme. It's all about proving yourself to the world. I am not against Paralympics, I think it is a good thing, but this advertisement bothered me on multiple levels.

It looks like another disabled person was bothered by what they saw too:

"So why do I dislike the fact that the Paralympians have been labeled Superhumans? It’s not because I don’t think they are phenomenal athletes. They absolutely are. In a way calling the Superhuman detracts from that fact.

It’s ironic how closely the term Superhuman is to the term Super crip.

Super crip is a term used my disability media critics to describe the phenomenon of celebrating disabled people in either a way that lacks meaningful context or in a way that seeks to effectively erase their disabilities except to add emphasis to the extraordinariness of their accomplishments. It’s not just that they’re amazing athletes. It adds a degree of “Can you believe someone like that could do this?”

The 2012 ad is particularly guilty of this with its juxtaposition of scenes signifying how people became disabled (often violently) with images of them succeeding as athletes.

It does from A to B without looking at any of the context of how people get to B or for that matter who CAN get to B. Because athletic success, particularly for disabled people is not just a matter of having the desire to do it.

Which brings me to the repeated refrain of “Yes, I can” from the 2016 ad, which buys fully into the “to believe is to achieve” stereotype. It is not just a group of musicians, dancers, and athletes showcasing their skills. They really sell the myth.

Consider the scene in the career counselor’s office where the counselor tells a wheelchair user “No, you can’t” which is immediately followed but by that young man playing wheelchair rugby while screaming “YES, I CAN”.

The thing is “No, you can’t” is far more than just the words of an individual who has vastly underestimated your potential. It is a systemic reality. It is far more accurately an expression of “No, you can’t because we won’t let you”. Wheelchair Rugby Clubs do do not appear fully formed just because someone has the desire to play.

Getting to be a Channel 4 “Superhuman” is in many ways as much about luck as it is about skill and hard work. The reality is that access to athletic training for disabled people is limited to those who have physical and financial access to it. If there is no training available in your area or even if there is but you can’t afford it, all the desire and willingness to work in the world is not going to get you to the Paralympics."

An Experience With Another Autistic Person?



Even in one's community one needs to be wary of toxic people.. I think my narc radar has improved since going no contact. Whatever a person's diagnosis, I know I do not want to be treated badly anymore. I was at a disability group meeting for a book club, and a new woman showed up. She was friendly and asked me if I wanted to come to her drop in center and she told me she wanted to start a group for Aspies and those on the autism spectrum. In this disability group they do not know about me being an ACON and only know about my Lipedema, and disabilities that show like being hearing impaired.

I wrongly believed that drop in centers were for the poor, lonely or even physically disabled and those living on the edges of society but more on that later and remembering feeling glad this person was opening her drop-in center to autistics. I said, "Yes I would be very interested." She told the group she was an Aspie too, about being bipolar, and talked more about her "autism-Aspie" story. She was the director of the drop-in center via a peer counseling program. While I wanted to make sure this place was okay, I have always wanted to take part in a Aspie meet-up and have wanted the chance to meet more people and have some successful connections in this community. With the group, I was very eager. I knew two male Aspies as acquaintances in the community I could invite.

I did warn her I am housebound a lot but would love to be part of the group and maybe we could get it started and it could keep going on it's own and then I would come as often as I could like another community group I am in. Maybe we could put out fliers and advertise. Being Aspie, I have been involved in online Aspie groups and met now real-life although long distant friends in them, so having the chance to meet other people who face this challenge, was exciting to me. She acted friendly and talked to me just fine at this time. Sure she was a bit withdrawn and awkward but that was nothing I was not used to. I had my husband drive me to this place and he came with me. So it was just her and us, the first time. The second time, I invited this local male Aspie who I had met in the disability book group a year or so ago and was trying to get a message to the other Aspie I knew as well.  When the group was supposed to be held a second time, the other Aspie showed up but she did not show up. So he was kind of upset he drove there for nothing, and no group happened. The books for the group and place for it were locked up. She never apologized and started acting weirder. I just shrugged my shoulders and thought, "Well I will try one more time.".

Things got even more strange then, I noticed she started ignoring me and being overtly rude to me. Now I have been around other Aspies, including a close friend of me and my husband and even WORKED with autistic children in classrooms. Her autism seemed weird to me like she could turn it off and on like a spigot. I felt suspicious something didn't add up. Friendly for a time with smiles and then cold as a fish. Maybe she was higher on the spectrum but that didn't make sense, she spoke of going to meetings in our state capital and was highly organized. She seemed able to socially function among movers and shakers, I would be scared to even talk to. I know Aspies get diverted and distracted, I do all the time. Sometimes my voice will go monotone or my mind will wonder off, but I even learned the basics years ago, say hello to people etc.

I got some bad vibes that worried me as I met up with her. Something seemed odd about her like she was far more career grasping then I have ever seen an Aspie be and higher functioning in some ways while trying to appear to be lower functioning. The second time I met her, I thought in my head, "She doesn't seem to be vulnerable like autistics and Aspies are". She also seemed to be very wealthy from things she talked about including vacations, trips, two highly successful adult children, and other matters. It was weird because the drop in center is in a very poor side of town.

She was the boss at the drop in center and I noticed other people seemed to make paths for her and you knew she was in charge no matter what. This kind of surprised me. Most Aspies or autistics do not exhibit such strong signs of "leadership" and keeping people "in check". People almost seemed afraid of her. A friendlier assistant director was there, we talked to as well. The place only had a few clients coming in, 2 or 3 at most. I talked to them but they were more quiet. We colored in adult coloring books a few time. I was still checking the place out and was glad to have a place for the autism group. One thing with the director, she told me she had this Comfort Dog, and the dog started making appearances with her later. She was so high functioning seeming, I thought she was training the dog for some program until I realized the dog was HERS.

Anyhow the third time, I and my husband show up for the time of the group meeting and we enter the front room of the Drop-in Center. I feel weirder about being there because I am finally starting to suspect the place is mostly for those who are heavily medicated and don't just suffer from garden variety depression and anxiety but full blown psychotic mental disorders with full hallucinations and time spent in the psych ward. I have been diagnosed with PTSD in my past and struggle with depression but never have been hospitalized for any mental disorder. I don't judge people who have, but I noticed a lot of the programming at this place was focused on people successfully "recovering" after psych ward internments. The focus was to get them employed again and self supporting. I felt odd there as a very physically disabled person knowing I am unable to work in my physical condition.

Anyhow we come a third time for the group, she the director of the Drop-In Center is sitting there, only 4-5 feet away and I say hello, and she flat out ignores me and my husband. I am VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. I joke and try to add levity to the situation to get her to speak to us and allow for distraction and other matters but time passes with her giving us extreme silent treatment. The group where we are reading a book on Aspergers together is due to begin. My husband is not the confrontational type so busies himself talking to someone else in the room. I had the thought, "I do not want to beg this person to talk to me". I am trying to let go of people pleasing and other behaviors that have only dug my scapegoat hole deep. So I sit there and stare straight ahead too after trying to get her to talk to me two times. I talk to the person my husband is talking to and then I have us get up and leave after waiting 25 minutes. There goes the Aspie group. I already know I am not coming back.

The whole situation was so strange. I later wrote her a letter asking her why she did not speak to us and saying that I had a hard time understanding her version of autism and maybe she needs to explain this better to people so there is more understanding. She never responded back.

I am familiar with autistics who go mute, but this seemed like the hard cold freeze-out of a narcissist. I've been down that road too many times not to know what it feels like. She wanted me gone, maybe because she knew I was only going to bring a few more clients in? She asked me to do art projects almost right off for the place but I wanted to familiarize myself with how the place worked being unsure of how drop in centers worked and the culture. My husband told me be careful of people who want something from you. My energy is very low and I am realizing my failure to "deliver" is impacting me socially.

This sounds bad but I decided to look her up on Facebook, and her wall was public. If any flying monkeys inform her of this article that may cease pretty quickly but I noticed the day I wrote her the letter she complained about people not understanding her. I think she meant me since it was the day I wrote her the letter. She was very angry, and this posting had a "how dare they" attitude to it, instead of a "I feel sad someone misunderstood me". She said she had "Kanner's autism". This blew my mind because Kanner's autism is where they do NOT desire closeness with other people. Aspies and autistics normally want connection but fail in getting it. Why is someone like that in such a people based position where there are people coming in especially with severe mental disorders?

I had a lot of time in special ed classrooms in my 20s, most people with Kanner's are totally non-verbal and usually lower functioning, they are not organized people directing drop in centers. I wonder who chose this woman to work with the severely mentally ill if her social skills were so extremely low? I did not feel like I was around an autistic who was going mute or too afraid to talk. I dealt with kids who were severely autistic in classrooms. My nephew when I was in contact with him had HFA [high functioning autism] between out and out autism and Aspergers and he was quiet all the time. You could ask him questions and he would ignore you, but it was not an offensive kind of ignore. It's kind of hard to explain, it was DIFFERENT then this.

Something didn't add up. She had pictures of herself meeting with politicians including talk of meeting with a lt. governor on her PUBLIC Facebook wall and one regional politician who is well known. Some of these photos appeared on a public Facebook page of a non-profit she ran related to the later Drop in Center. These are meeting I would be too afraid of and Aspie to deal with myself. She was at the center of all her family photos, she had a high number of friends. Most of my Aspie friends are under the 100 mark, if not lower.

Her Facebook wall seemed to have people constantly praising her and defending her. It seemed to read like my mother's facebook.  I have never seen this happen with another fellow Aspie. She even told this one guy off who was an Aspie too, they were actually talking about autism and he unfriended her.  On the public Facebook wall and on the public Facebook organizational wall where she ran a nonprofit, she bragged about buying a $2,000 dollar vaccum cleaner for her home and paying $5,000 and some odd change for the trained Comfort Dog. The dog is supposed to help her with the severe autism. I was right about her being wealthy, as there were pictures of her very lavish house with things like wooden floors, rich fabrics and decked out kitchen with stainless steel and espresso machine.

I have never met any autistic person like this. I was very weirded out by this whole experience. She seemed put off during one of those first meetings at my knowledge about autism. The drop in center really was not for me. It did bring me down some to attempt to integrate with the community again and have it end in failure. My sense of not belonging here has gotten greater and greater.  I have been more lonely then before. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

Sometimes it is very hard. Humans are social creatures, they want people to talk to in real life once in a while. I do think this person treated me very wrongly. I do not trust them. I am glad I got away from them. It could have been worse, I had my husband with me knowing I needed to check this place out--I have been more cautious since the catfish incident and I listened to the "bad vibes" I got. My fault was in giving her a second chance but at least my time spent around her was very short. I supposed since autism and Aspergers is a neurological condition, it is possible other personality disorders could enter in, but I'll leave the actual diagnosis to the professionals. The whole thing confused and bothered me greatly.  Please tell me what you think of this experience. Thanks.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Utility

Seen on an Aspie board online:

"Because your value to them is based in the benefit they can derive from you. God may look at the heart, but man looks at your utility.

A friend I hadn't seen in a while told me he forgot how enjoyable I was to be around, and he wondered about why he didn't contact me more often. A girl told me that she was surprised to see how much I "had to offer." People will talk about what you "bring to the table". Utility. Benefit. That's what they are looking for.

They determine what benefit can be derived from you (are you funny, are you wild, can you come up with witty comebacks against people who try to abuse you, can they tell stories about you to their friends which will move them up higher in their own circles).  The less benefit they can derive, the less value you have to them. Autistics on the whole have little of the type of currency anyone is interested in. And to ****'s point, that also applies to anyone who can't bring the "goods" to the average social group: learning disabled, mentally challenged, differently abled individuals, whatever.

Most people feel they're climbing up some type of heirarchical ladder, and if you can't them on the climb, they don't want to be associated with you.

Unless you're someone that they can introduce to a group of their peers and feel that your presence will benefit the group as well as their own standing in the group, they're going to distance themselves from you. Society as a whole sees a benefit to providing some limited services to assist people in such groups (through charitable aid organizations and such) but few are willing to bring them into their own social circles as it will viewed as a social currency drain rather than a benefit...as messed up as as that may be.


Enter the "useless eater" category and fail to be a "productive citizen" and there is a lot of judgement out there. Some may find this Aspie young man's words too cynical. There is truth in them however. I miss my old friends in my old town, many people there were okay with just BEING rather then DOING. My silent generation friends had gotten to that place as well as a few others. It didn't occur to me how RARE those people had become. There's a few everywhere but we need more. Are we bad people if we are not busy and productive every minute? Why do we always have to be proving ourselves?

Joan brought that being vs doing idea to me and I have thought about it a lot. I need being people not doing people. LOL My existence as a human being is not enough and some see people in that way.. Some of them tire me by the way they run around in constant career obsession and climbing the ladder.

There's many places in society now where you feel like unless you are of use to someone or have something to give, then you are not wanted. How much can you give? If it's a lot then you are more well liked? The narcissists see life as a give and get proposition. Who is of use to them? Who will help them get ahead?  For many thrown away by narcissistic families, because we came empty handed due to a variety of reasons, our only "use" was for narcissistic supply. This isn't just happening to socially awkward Aspies but to society as a whole.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately besides time with my husband. I don't mind being alone so much as I used to when young. I talk to people online of course, but I got tired of proving myself, or having to prove myself or being made to feel always "wanting". I don't want to '"sell" myself or "struggle for position. How many feel this way, you are only as good as you are useful to someone? Isn't there something sinister about it all? What happened to true connection? It's out there but seeming to get rarer.


Whitney Thore: Living without Shame



I have written about the odd double messages being given to fat people in our media. One guy mentioned elsewhere that TLC is owned by Comcast which is part of a megacorporation that owns multiple mainstream food corporations. I agree with not being under the lash of shame, but I still stand by my belief that "acceptance" of these broken down and painful bodies is not doing us any favors. Whitney can refuse shame  and that's a good thing, but all we have to do is watch her show is to see that in reality fat is hurting her. She passes out exercising, hurts her back in the shower. Fat people need to make a stand for real treatment that will work or demand that real answers are sought.

One thing I notice is she was in far smaller sizes and more midsized for a very long time. Her history seem to match mine. She even mentions that she stopped having periods after only one or twice at 15. For me, they all disappeared at age 19 and would not returned unless forced by drugs like Provera until I was 47 years old [last year] and going on insulin. That means for almost 30 years my body had no periods on it's own.  Her doctors need to assess her for more severe forms of PCOS, her androgen levels and other health problems. Fat acceptance sometimes if taken to the extreme can damage those with extreme health problems influencing their weight. I used to make people angry in size acceptance telling them I know something is wrong, I have gained so much. There I was refuting the healthy and happy lies shoved down all our throats.

Whitney is a walking contradiction. Her fat is hurting her, she's ill but she still preaches the accept fat message and that bugs me. I agree with no shame or no discrimination but she could be using her fame to demand better answers, to confront CICO, to say LOOK something here more is wrong. Don't go with the shame and lies.  I am noticing now webwide people leave rude remarks on her videos and pictures. They say things like "she's just making excuses" and this one I hate quite a bit: "PCOS doesn't make anyone fat."

 She mentions her insulin resistance. Mine got very very bad. Oddly on insulin, my endless dark patches of dark brown skin have disappeared to go along with the returned periods. The back of my legs were covered in this brown velvet. During the weight gain, it was all over my neck, armpits and knees. It has faded ever since I have been on insulin. Perhaps some should get a clue that some of us are canaries in the coal mine for the endocrine disruptors or that there are extreme rare states of health.

She is fortunate she had the health and money to teach in Korea and go to the Great Wall of China. To me that is evidence she was exercising quite a bit. Travel takes walking. I worked at a camp in 1988. I was midsized and walked around 2-3 miles a day but unlike the other camp counselors, I wasn't firming up from all the exercising or losing weight. The food was gross and even there my intake was massively reduced, but it made no difference. She discusses getting assaulted. This happened to me when I was young too but in America. I had to be tough just to walk around.

She tries to lose weight. That fits my pattern. I fight the same 100lbs over and over. I lost that original 250 which 160 of has always stayed off from the peak weight but it's like running uphill. The crap they promise me that will work never does. My body swells up. I got gung ho, just so you all know, "to lose weight", since I could breathe better on that lung medicine, everytime I left the house, I was like "I gotta take a walk!" and diabetes was forcing very restricted eating and I didn't lose anything! It is enough to bring insanity to a person. And then one gets beaten up at every turn by society. "You're to blame, You're to blame", said over and over.

I have written before unless she has a serious eating disorder, she has something physically wrong even beyond the diagnosed PCOS. PCOS they don't do much for. I got a hormonal drug for PCOS for 15 years that helped take some weight off via lowering the androgens. I was forced off it for a kidney drug I need to stay alive and keep kidney stones away. Most people with PCOS don't even get that degree of treatment. I wish she did not tout the 1 in 10 women crap. I don't believe 10 percent of women have PCOS, and never will I believe that 11 percent of women have Lipedema. When they throw these numbers around they devalue the experience of those of us who suffer intensely from rare severe disorders.

Sadly, she has to get naked, for the photographers. How come they always want fat people naked in art but I digress? There are lower status in society is ever present and shows itself. If someone asked me to get naked for art, I would say I will wear a Victorian without a corset dress for you but naked, hell no.

If you read the comments at the video, her message is failing to get across. They call her fat pig, say she is an eating addict. Fat will never be solved in a stupid society that refuses to see outside of prejudice, but there too HAES and fat "acceptance" won't fix it either.  Whistling by the graveyard as fat comes on us, and literally weighs us down is not doing us favors either. 
God gave me enough self love to fight back. This blog came about from me saying Look I am going to tell my story and I don't care what mainstream society says, but I am going to demand more answers.

 I know even in some in size acceptance see me as a wild haired "crazy" nut, who refuses to buy into the mainstream.  I was silenced in some fat circles. It got serious on facebook groups and more. I rejected the two sides of accepting my "fat" and endless being beaten up by the diet industrial complex. 

Whitney if she wants real help, will have to see "outside the matrix", so to speak but the problem is, this society doesn't want truth about fat. The "acceptance of fat" goes hand in hand with the brainwashing about fat people.  While her message of no shame has no merit, I wish she asked some of the questions I do. Sadly the mainstream media would never allow it.

My articles on Whitney Thore

Medicine is Failing Obese People

Medicine is Failing Obese People

The fat logic and brainwashed crowd will claim diet and exercise will fix everything. They will claim CICO fixes everything. Here is my challenge, unless they figure out that obesity for many people is not a self chosen condition or one caused by "bad behavior" they are going to get nowhere. I get less blame and abuse now then the majority of fat people from the medical establishment because with the Lipedema and multiple endocrine diagnoses, they know I have huge challenges but even there, I know many aren't being diagnosed, I know many are not losing weight even with effort. Even that 500 and something pound youtube boogie fat guy got trashed for not losing weight and those fatlogic people call him a liar. Is that treatment for the fat now? You are all liars? Many have asked a million times to be heard, and prejudice still runs the show.

Van Gogh Summer


This is a Van Gogh painting from 1888, painted in the summer. It does have the perfect colors to illustrate summer. Expressionistic art is great. I saw some great paintings at the art museum that were painted in an expressionistic style.

My Swelling Has Been Bad

I know it affected the weight the other day. I've been laying down a lot to take some fluids off though I did walk around at art museums on Saturday to see two art shows and on Friday to run errands and do a few things.  When I get this swollen, walking gets a lot harder.  My hands and arms even feel heavy and you can see the fluid in my face. For at least two weeks all my pees slowed down to a trickle though a little bit now is coming off since I am laying around like a slug. There's no choice, it's either move and be in pain and swell some more or lay around to get fluids off. When I did Flexitouch last night, there was serious change in the leg, there was so much water on me, it was insane.

It's weird, one half my body says rest don't move get rid of the pain, the other half says "you'll gain weight if you don't move. The two do work against each other. It gets scary because I do start limping a lot when I'm this swollen. Even getting up and walking to the bathroom hurts. At the art museums, I am fine once I get started. If not for the leg wrappings and machine, I would have been in the hospital about 10 times for leg infections with all this heat.

 I swear I can feel the water in my brain. The heat has been terrible here. It's been a very hot summer. Not at all like last summer. This week I'm housebound most of the week with it being in the 90s and high humidities. We plan to go grocery shopping tommorow in the morning so I can go to the veggie stand and get some decent food, but hoping it is cool enough. It was smart to push back more appointments into Sept. I'm going to see my MLD [lymphatic therapist] in Sept when I get a prescription signed off. Perhaps she can refer me to some lymphatic doctors. I'm willing to travel to a big city 100 miles away if needbe. I am making the decision I need lymphatic big guns, and specialists. This swelling thing is getting out of hand.

 I hope no other lipedemics are suffering from this very hot summer or anyone else for that matter! Thank God for treatment I have gotten. I do believe if I had not gotten diagnosed at time I did, total immobility and the nursing home would have awaited. Lipedema is a progressive illness. I still fight them both but I am trying.

This is why fat people have a hard time going to gyms



This is why fat people have a hard time going to gyms

The apology doesn't impress me much she got caught and had to spin-doctor quick to save her reputation. Once I am not housebound, I am planning my gym visits. I'm kind of impervious to skinny gym-rats mocking me at this point in life, just walking out in the street at 500lbs for this many years is enough to have given me a thick skin.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Bourgeois Families

"He describes himself and his siblings all pulling away from their family, then insists they are club that he always wanted to be a part of. They weren't and aren't close, and probably don't know each other any better than they knew the one who just killed herself. This is typical for bourgeois white American "families"--there is no there there, and they slowly disengage as soon as the children are over 18, with even the parents leaving each other if they haven't already. Then they act "shocked, just shocked" when one of their utterly alone and detached non-members crashes and burns, as any human being who is alone in this world will do eventually. What a sick society America is."

—Anonymous

I saw this quote on a message board [Data Lounge] a forum for gays, where they were discussing Tiffany Sedaris. I was googling to see if anyone else noticed the same mocking tone of Amy Sedaris's book on poor people and crafts. I wanted to share it because it is something I have thought about. How "family" itself is collapsing in America and not just in the way Republicans rave above but in a more fundamental way that goes beyond gay marriage or premarital sex. I found myself saying to my husband, sometimes Aspie me goes on some weird intellectual ventures where I wondered aloud if family itself was breaking down, due to our information society and mere biological DNA ties [well in some cases we don't have even those] not being enough anymore?

This guy is right about there "being no there there". Even as I stepped out and leave the "Family", I asked myself the question, "How close are they to each other?" And the answer was "Not very". I can see the collapse already beginning where separate lives, distance, and competition has chipped away at the concept of a "Family". When he even mentions bourgeois and white, I covered some of these issues in the article "The Lonely Poverty" where it is poor whites and mostly whites realizing they are alone in this world. Other minorities have a definite different cultural view of family loyalty, closeness and kinship. Perhaps this is a generalization but there is some truth there. He is right about what will then happen to one of their utterly alone and detached members.

The way out for one of those alone members is to realize they never had a family in the first place. I wish Tiffany had been able to find a way out before it was too late. If only she could have found relief and freedom in walking too and realizing she was not to blame.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Confusing the Kids: Gender Fluid



I noticed another young person on Facebook saying they are Gender Fluid. I am not going to give any more details about their identity outside her age but this is now the second or third young person, saying that their gender is not what it should be that I have seen among "friends" and acquaintances on Facebook. In this case they are around 16 years old. Seeing the chart above, so wonder the kids are getting confused.

In this case, they have written being a girl is just their assigned sex that many days they feel more like a boy and some days they don't and others day they feel like they do not have a gender and rarely feel like a girl. They said they would rather be seen as a boy most of the time and be referred to as the politically correct "They". I noticed their family bending over backwards to be politically correct. I decided to stay quiet, knowing my words would not be heard, but this definitely got to me.

This is someone I suspect highly has a very narcissistic mother.  Their mother's page is full of selfies. She has a high power corporate job and is extremely competitive. I noticed a couple years ago, she was doing things like cutting her beautiful daughter's hair very short and dressing her in plain drab clothing especially after she became a pre-teen. Even seeing one of my nieces who is very pretty bought old lady glasses and dressed in dark grey sweats, made me think about how narcissistic mothers who are jealous of the youth and beauty of their daughters will do anything to destroy it or dissuade it. This seems to happen more often post-puberty.

Seeing this latest claim of being "gender fluid" or "gender neutral" or transexual triggered me and brought me back some memories. One thing I have realized is I was denied my feminine sexuality by my narcissistic parents. I wrote about how I was treated as a boy and not really a girl when I was young in this article "Not Allowed to be a Girl". Today I realize my not dating in high school or even in college, went far beyond just being Aspie and overweight but was a core part of my abuse.

 I believe narcissistic mothers will destroy the blooming sexuality of young daughters, and this happened to me. In my case, severe PCOS which brought higher testosterone and other problems did make me more masculine looking. The obesity also came in too. I was told endlessly by my family and family friends, I was not pretty and petite like how a girl should be and that I looked more like a boy. I was dressed in mannish clothing and I remember the endless times I'd cry as my mother had my long hair cut off into short boyish haircuts just like this poor girl. The family told me over and over that I was not really female and did not measure up to be what a female should be. How many young teens are not only being given gender confusion from the messages of society but that one as well?

 When I was in high school, I was openly called "dyke" and "butch". Inside my dreams, fantasies and desires, I wanted a man and dreamed of marriage to one so imagine the confusion as the world and my family told me, having a man was not for me and that I was meant to be a "lesbian" and was not right. Some Aspies are more asexual but when I met my husband, my physical attraction was as strong as any intellectual or other attraction.

I never admitted this before or don't remember it, but my parents were against me marrying. They claimed he was "too poor". He was the one helping me out when we were engaged not them but then I think they wanted to even deny me the joy of being married or even just being in love. They threatened not to come to our wedding. They did not want me to have a normal woman's life. Some types of narcissistic destruction can be more subtle. I have my religious opinions about why society has gotten so focused on the gender bending. I do not believe it is of God.

I can just imagine if I was 30-40 years younger in this type of climate with a narcissist mother denying me my womanhood. Maybe I would be like this young girl wondering if I am "gender queer" or actually a man in a woman's body. Maybe I would have been confused enough to have signed up as a full woman to man transition.  I have struggled for years in feeling like I am not fully female like other women. My husband allowed me to be a woman and treated me as one, but inside, the decades of not being allowed to be a female  took their toll.  I know this is rooted in my abuse. Not having children added to the whole mess but the more I think about it the more I know I was shamed even just for being a female among the narcissists in my family. Even having feminine emotions was looked down on.

Watching what is happening to this girl, is horrifying me. In her case, her narcissists are more sly, in trying to destroy her life. She doesn't realize they are her enemy. I had my years of fog too, but she believes herself to be loved as her narcissistic mother cuts off all her hair and emotionally abuses her into thinking she's not really a girl. I knew I was hated. In her case, she is actually in more danger believing her narcissists have her best interests at heart. There probably is some narcissistic supply in it for them as well, as they can play martyrs regarding their daughters confused sexuality. I have seen this done among some narcissists with having physically or mentally ill children. Some can gain brownie points in some political circles, for the transsexual cause.  Our society that has lost it's moral bearings is also adding to her problems.

One thing I always thought about is as they push all this androgyny and transsexual stuff like with Caitlyn Jenner, is our media has narrowly defined even what a male or female is, so if you are not thin and beautiful with big boobs, you are supposedly not really female, and if you aren't muscle bound looking like a linebacker, you are supposedly not really a male. I was given this message 30 years ago but today it has WORSENED.

There are people who have hormonal and other physical problems. Some people are born intersex. It's not for me to judge those people. Even with PCOS, the testosterone coursing through me made for emotional and physical changes, but I was still a girl. Telling people that they can be someone else just from changing their gender, is  misleading. Too many believe now that if they were the opposite sex, that it would fix everything.

 No one warns about the people who did sex changes and lived to regret it, especially the ones who had surgery. The chromosomes determine it in my opinion. Yes I know that is controversial. I prayed for this girl last night, that she can escape her narcissists and not be given more confusion. There is nothing wrong with a teen girl being a Tom Boy or deciding not to date. Her narcissistic mother has impacted her sexuality. The emotional abuse is making itself known overtly.



H1-B Blues

Noticed this on Ramen Noodle Nation

H-1-B Blues

The same thing is happening here. I know tons of unemployed Americans with computer and other degrees, can't get a job to save their life, but you see all these foreigners with good jobs. I know some leftists are brainwashed to scream xenophobe but sometimes it seems to me, the powers that be are out to destroy Americans at any costs and leave them unemployed and sinking down into economic morass. Of course this helps their various agendas, using these economic pressures to take away freedom and make more profits. Some are right that the powers that be use the hatred towards immigrants, but there is a reason for the growing resentment, when millions of people see economic hope disappear and others getting all the opportunities that were once theirs. 

Some Things About Immigration I Don't Get



Walk Down the Street

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Life Hacks of the Poor and Aimless

Life Hacks of the Poor and Aimless

"The slow collapse of the social contract is the backdrop for a modern mania for clean eating, healthy living, personal productivity, and "radical self-love"-- the insistence that in spite of all evidence to the contrary, we can achieve a meaningful existence by maintaining a positive outlook, following our bliss, and doing a few hamstring stretches as the planet burns. The more frightening the economic outlook and the more floodwaters rise, the more the public conversation is turning toward individual fulfillment as if in a desperate attempt to make us feel like we still have some control over our lives."

Happiness and Reality



I wrote on an ACON discussion board, "Did you have to learn to be happy?"

Many people responded YES.

How does one learn to be happy? Perhaps this is the new lesson. I have talked myself out of the depths of despair, by focusing on art work, letting the little things bring me happiness, and focusing on husband and few friends I do have.

Reality isn't always a pretty place. Yes, I would rather be a happier person. I realized the narcissists messed me up where I was made to feel my entire worth of a person was based on what I achieved for their narcissistic supply. They stabbed me in the heart metaphorically using the juggernaut of my severe obesity, societal condemnation and their own inability to love or care.  Joy and laughter were not allowed. I always wondered years ago why narcissists with money I could only dream of and active lives with many resources and blessings always were so angry. I remember my upper middle class parents complaining because they were not millionaires.

 I have considered what changes can I make to be happier? Even if I can't solve all my problems, I do not want my happiness dependent on one day being in "better shape", and or having money. Why can't I have some happiness NOW. I do not want to wait until I am "acceptable" to be happy or have local friends. I think some cultural aspect of where I live now wiggled into my brain. This more affluent community made me feel JUDGED like my family. Some how those years of being beat down by my mother for not having money got intertwined with the love of wealth here.  Needing it's better medical and other resources, how do I find friends here or find a new place? It is a question for the ages. I know I need some social connection to be happy. Sure with Aspergers that is harder, but I blossomed during the times of life, I felt some community.

Some said many ACONS need to learn to be happy. I know life was made into a checklist, by the narcissists one that I was woefully failing to check off on. Many of those ex friends I walked away from where checklist types, where life was supposed to be all about success. It was like only tommorrow and being on top were important. A few were even growing old, telling me how they had to be perfect weights--in their case they were thinner or average people, and how they had to "succeed".

I sometimes wonder if the struggle to learn to be happy, is rooted in the fact that us scapegoats had no unconditional love growing up. Love was something that became earned by "conditions". What if you don't meet conditions then and "fail"? True love is not adhering to the checklists constantly. There's no soul in it. Sometimes I think many have lost their soul and there goes any real love. I wrote long ago, I want to wake up without the burden of feeling like a failure everyday. Living in this body like I have all these years has been very difficult. A body that was used against me. A body that made me wish I was someone else for decades. I once thanked my husband for saving my life. He did, because he brought real love to the table. Sometimes I have asked therapists how I was able to love others when I had no love growing up?

How can one be happy today? Some say happiness is a choice. I've had severe enough depression before, where I have had to shut down the spiral before, and the only way up, was to run like hell from the make demands set into the arms of people with love and a different view of life.  Focusing on the little things, art projects, helping others when I was able to. For many of us ACONs getting out from the yoke of narcissists and a growing narcissistic society can be quite a process. We have to rework what we were told about happiness, reality and life itself. Also we start asking ourselves "What will make us happy?" I'm in that process now even given making future decisions about my life and remembering the happier years and what they held in common. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Someone who Agrees About Tiffany Sedaris



I agree with her opinions about David Sedaris's mother as presented in his writings. I noticed the admiration of his mother too that seemed to be callous as well. Take a listen to the rest, she notices many of the same things I did. She brings up the same article I did, "Now We are Five" and is just as horrified. I took a lot of heat for that article but now I have grown more sure in my views even as I escaped the poisonous dynamics of my own family. She mentions my article and this blog at the 19:00 minute mark. Yes, she is right about how the family dynamics and patterns stand out to ACONS that we see among the Sedaris family.

See: In Defense of Tiffany Sedaris

Weight

It makes no sense, I have been walking around more over the past year, able to walk places I couldn't before, like doing a whole city block to watch a parade, having the ability to walk in a Kroger's grocery store and an Aldis with just me and the walker.  Over the past year, I've had to watch every morsel of food to keep the sugars down at a reasonable level. Every little thing affects them. Even if I sleep less they are a bit higher, today's was 133 because I went to bed at 1:00 am and woke up at 6:30 am but the peak sugar [taken two hours after eating] was very good.  Diabetes meant sinking the food down even more. We have had food insecurity where I have been happy for organic apples and going without many foods. All carbohydrates have been cut for the sake of the diabetes, all pasta cut down to much smaller portions. Eating many more salads then ever. I have never missed a Flexitouch session and have not missed any wrapping. The results were disappointing though. I'm in the same range, but knowing I need to see where the weight goes on a less bloated day, I can gain or lose 30 in one week.

I do know with less heat at least 15 will come off if not 30, but this is frustration beyond belief. It does trouble me. CICO has failed me beyond belief. The doctors ARE NOT BLAMING ME.  Thank God. They know I have a lot to deal with. My regular doctor says I am his most compliant and controlled diabetic patient he has. I have tried my best.

If I become bedbound you will hear about it. If I can walk still you will hear about it. I tried my best.  I can only keep going on, what other choice is there? My brain hurts. 

Monday, July 11, 2016

Almost There Movie



We watched this movie about an outsider artist, who was this poor man in East Chicago. I think there's more people out there like this, all over the place. He isn't a perfect guy, he got arrested for taking salacious pictures of young people in the 1980s. They almost brought the movie to a close. It was interesting watching him do his art and sad how he had to live in a nasty cold wet basement. I don't get why he stayed in the basement when it seems his parents who originally owned the house were long gone.

When they got him into some decent senior and disabled housing he seemed to blossom. One of my biggest interests is "outsider" art, and I consider myself in many ways an "outsider" artist as well but the way the art world is run now, you can be an "outsider" just for not being able to afford good framing. In this man's case, I don't know how they discovered him. Some seem the art as hopelessly "naive" while others see that as it's best quality like me.


Another Comment on The Comic



Still adding panels and taking them away. The story seems to have become the story of my ACON life interwoven with the severe obesity and it's trials and the undercurrent of the love story between me and my husband. Sometimes when doing art one gets worried people won't get it, or the idea of graphic novels done based on reality Harvey Pekar style. I have 140 panels right now. I actually have books of comics where I could make probably several more books, even just from my life. There's other characters I have come up with along the way too.

Nixon


Wow Watergate was almost nothing compared to the crooks they got running for office now....

I get weighed tommorow


 I get weighed tommorow, it's the kidney doctor with a decent scale. The appointment is at 9:00 am. If it wasn't so early I'd have to cancel due to heat, which kind of wrecks my nerves. Getting kidney scans is very scary because they thought I had a kidney tumor for a while, and I had a major cancer scare for about a year, and spent some months trying to figure out how to get it looked at, and I found a CT scanner in a town south of us. Pray it goes well for me.

 I plan to ask to be hospitalized if the weight has gone up. I plan to beg them.  Well they may turn me down.. Chances are insurance will say no to a woman who can wrap her own legs, and who can walk around to the degree I can.  I just want to be in the 400s. I don't think my weight has gone up, but I will see tomorrow I guess.

Yesterday I took my walk outside, it hurt, because I went to an art fair where I walked a lot for me the day before.  Six years ago I didn't even try to walk this art fair at all, it would be impossible even to see a little bit of it. I was able to see about HALF of it, maybe one year it will be full. Being able to walk a bit more makes life easier. If only I could be able to walk even better.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

New Video From Smakintosh



They don't want to admit the truth, getting the positive attention of narcissist is everything to them. Truth is thrown away for them to get the benefits from the "family overlord" [see the second video below too. Some stay in it for the materialistic rewards. Others are fellow narcissists and others have long ago shut down their consciences to stay in the good graces of the head malignant narcissists. This is a good video by Smakintosh. He is right that enablers don't love truth. They don't care about truth, they care most about getting theirs and keeping "comfortable". The narcissists serve mammon and so do their servants. The narcissist's false truth becomes their own, they test reality even according to the narcissists. Many ACONs who were severely scapegoated like me, will find the only real path of freedom is going no contact with the whole sick system. Reality and "truth" within by family was not defined by biblical precepts or even cultural ones, but defined by the narcissists who served as the measuring rod over their lives.

Great People I have Known


My war protesting post got me to think about some of my old friends, and two of them were named "Carol" and "Bob" who I used to go war protesting with. They were an older couple I was close friends with who are now deceased, but I think about how they stood up for their beliefs and how that was something I respected both of them for. Carol and I used to talk about politics, and one thing about her even when we didn't agree on everything it never got in the way of our friendship. We'd meet at our co-op center almost every week, the one, I and my husband used to volunteer at. I had met her at the used book store. We could hash anything out and I remember our hours of discussing anything. When I saw both together, Bob would get in on the conversation too. I have told my husband one thing I miss about our old town, is just our old friends and just the CONVERSATION, that was great. I put them in my comic the other day. Other friends show in various guises but I was just thinking about my two old friends and how much I miss them.

Making of Migration: A Painting by Marcel Witte


He has many other videos on youtube as well.

Medical Fitness Gym

When I am not housebound, I plan to go over there for a visit. My doctor said he would sign a release. I have to go and look at the equipment and hope I can use it. I did ask about weight limitations on it but they did not know. Showing up and looking around will answer a lot of my questions.

Will I be able to sit on the benches to lift weights? Will I be able to use some of the other equipment? Walking around is boring me, and I figure with more 'interesting activities" maybe I can get somewhere. I did ask if they had other people of size there, but they didn't seem to.

 I wish I could have pushed the walking further, but I hit limitations there. Then I can take the bus there, and see how it works. I hope the place isn't empty, wouldn't mind a few people to talk to but there's supposed to be trainers. I have to save for the initial fee. The physical therapists did teach me to do some exercise.

I called the local Y too, but they wanted 12 dollars just to show up for one day, that'd be 24 dollars for me and my husband. Even coming up with the money for this place may be a hurdle. I am going to check out BOTH places though when I do get out there. It is scary for someone as big as me to try and go to a gym. People will probably look at me "Like why are you here?" I will say I am trying to stay alive. I remember being midsized and going to a gym in the early 1990s and that got some major stares.

I told him how bloated I got the other day, doing a lot. He did say I could take more water pills but those are limited, he said it is a reality of my Lipo-lymphedema. I told him well when I did my Flexitouch it did cut the pain.

Watching the Boats go by


This picture was taken by me the other day, I was watching the boats go by which is a summer activity I will indulge in from time to time.  I'm not one to actually GO on the boat but don't mind watching them. I dream of a trip of some sort.  Maybe I should save money and Grey Hound it somewhere but the body and it's needs definitely are in the way.  I have recently felt restless. This one friend was driving north and I would have asked her to go with but I know me being in a car for 6 hours probably would mean the hospital because of my legs and I have 20 dollars on me, so that's not going to buy too many meals.  Years ago I used to love day trips, and I know I miss them. Our car is too old to really take any but the money to go on them isn't there. At least "at home" there is some stuff to look at. I have two new art shows to go look at this weekend. One is a regional art show.  It's supposed to be cooler and I do make plans for going out. I'm adding the last panels to the comic too. When the comic is done, I need to return to doing some painting again.

Rerun

Three years ago:

Sister: There is a '98 Chrysler mini van waiting for ownership by you and [my husband] in [mother's town].

Last week:

Brother: Hey mom called. Wants to know if you guys want her 99 Chrysler minivan she is going to have it checked out first. call me and i will call you later.

I am NC with brother as well now so need to do a better block on emails and messages. It's creepy as it's almost the same exact words as sister three years later. I even had told my brother, that the first car offer was just to "buy me back" and she never would apologize or make things right.  I told him how much it bothered me. He will do this woman's bidding to the very day he dies, and has sold his soul to her. This was about a rich woman, wanting to "own me". The car we own now and which is already VERY old is a 2003. These are 18 year old cars, they may be in better shape because of her money but even our car has it's oil changed like clockwork.

She buys a new car every few years and brags of spending 40,000 on a new car and owns around 4-5 of them. She has so many cars, I couldn't even picture which ones these were or what color they were. She probably needs a new parking space in her long drive way.

I think too these never were serious offers, because while I am legal to drive, I cannot drive a distance like that to her house. One car is needed to pick up the other. Her message via this is to say "I am trying to help her, look how nice I am!" She knows my fears of being on the bus, it is the same thing over and over again. Using my poverty which she helped set up against me. Like a groundhog day scenario from hell itself. She has endless connections and could have helped with the employment situation instead of sabotaging everything she could along the way. Narcissists won't give any true "help" in terms of a fishing pole to get fish, but just more crumbs.

Same for the ex- "friend" who rose up high in the ranks in the military, her father was a multi-millionaire. She knew we were poor and struggling. Her father had multimillion dollar contracts with the military in his company. Learning about that sure put her skyrocketing promotions to the top in a new light for me. She actually hired government clerks and others all the time. We were willing to move anywhere for a long time. I didn't even pay attention to what was going on until later. I put up with years of bragging about her lauded career.

Anyhow do I want to sell my soul for a very old automobile? No Way! I am not breaking no contact, but it really has exposed to me how she controls my entire family. Three of them tried contacting me this week. I didn't answer the phone or call back. Even Aunt Confused who sent her daughter to call me and make veiled threats about having me "sleep with the fishes" in the lake, who I went no contact two years ago crawled out of the woodwork to make a phone call.  Another cousin called. The timing is too close. She directs their phone calls and when to contact me. It's creepy.

 The depths of this control is why I went no contact with the entire family. I do have concerns about the recent hoovering. It's been three years. I'm not coming back. Why? When people think they can "buy" you and use severe poverty against you. They suck. They need to realize the scapegoat has quit. I'll take the homeless shelter before dealing with their bullcrap ever again. When I go on about money and wishing I had it, this is some of the dynamics playing out. These people all have screwed with me long enough. Remember I spent 6 years of my life WITHOUT a car when I was even sicker. So take their "desire to rescue me" with a grain of salt. I made the right decision going no contact with the entire family.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Remember To Have Fun




One thing in this serious world is remembering to have fun. ACONS need to have fun. I told my husband we need to make sure we take time for some cheap fun.  Even if you have no money, there are things you can do. For the disabled having fun is important too. Sometimes when I get crabby or too serious, I think "I need to go have some fun!" There is nothing wrong with that. They always tell people when they get old, they are to cease having fun. Well forget that! What do you do for fun? The fun things I did this week which had some non-housebound days in it included:

1. Going to thrift store and looking at books.
2. Taking art pictures of boats while sitting on a river front, I will see if any turn out.
3. Watching old movie of Elvis, this movie was one of the more silly ones called Kissing Cousins but it relaxed me to watch it.
4. Reading a book called The Genius of Birds.
5. Writing out birthday cards to a friend.
6. Reading an old comic
7. Online can be fun, but I go read places like Retrospace and Cuteness Overload. Researching topics that interest me.
8. Listening to music
9. Making collages with husband--a shared art project
10. I drew panels of Budgie flying as a bird, picking broccoli in a garden and other comics.
11. I took some walks that were fun and enjoyable.
12. Talked to a Vietnam Vet neighbor out in the apartment yard and we talked about history
13. Colored in adult coloring book.
14. Watched other old movies.
15. Went to the library.

Fat Activists Trying to Prove They Can Exercise Like Thin Athletic People



There's a new trend out there, and Whitney Thore followed it too, where fat activists are getting into exercise and doing 5Ks and proving how "healthy" they are and that by doing so they will "prove" it is great to be fat. I do support fat people and others exercising as best they can and doing what they can, but there is something strange about the constant push for proving yourself worthy as a fat person via "fitness" and athletic events by some fat activists. It seems to be a new and strong trend out there.

Some are claiming one fat activist named Ragen Chastain "cheated" on a 5 K race.

https://truthaboutragen.wordpress.com/2016/06/30/road-to-tempe-2016-ragen-the-cheater/

I don't know if Ragen cheated or not but I can't walk 5 miles. Maybe she got in, wanted to "prove herself" as so much of her blog is centered on proving herself to be a great athlete, knew she was in over her had and gave in to temptation.  I'd be putting my thumb out for a car ride! But something worries me here, what are the exercising until they drop fat activists trying to prove? That being fat doesn't slow one down? That reality doesn't exist? That they have to match everyone else in athletic achievements to be worthy?

And why do the CICO believers always claim all fat people are lying, what part don't they GET that even fat people who bang their heads on the wall to go feel the burn, and LIVE the lifestyle they are often told to go live like running 5 Ks often are fighting a losing battle with their own bodies!

I had this discussion at that website:

ME: I am confused as to why these large fat people feel they have to compete in races to prove themselves worthy. I have spoken about some of the healthism in size acceptance. It seems there is some dishonesty in their desire to “prove that they are like everyone else”.

I can’t walk a mile even perhaps a block on a good day and it used to be a lot less then that. I walked some yesterday, and had a ton of errands to do on a non-housebound day and my stage IV Lipedema kicked my butt and gave me horrible pain–I swell up terrible from exertion and could barely walk by the end of the day with severe pain. Everyday for me is forcing myself to get through in pain. There are women with high stage Lipedema who end up in nursing homes and wheelchair bound through no fault of their own. The whole exercise and lose weight thing gets subverted on it’s head with this severe disorder. This is a trap I would not wish on my worse enemy. Lipo-lymphedema means all exertion makes my body swell up with fluid.

I believe Whitney Thore has some horrible physical endocrine or other condition, with PCOS can come androgen and other disorders. I don’t know what she eats, but it seems her love for movement and exercise would be taking weight off.

My concern about Ragen is this whole “fat and healthy” thing at all costs. The whole “Im going to compete in a triatholon” bothers me! She’s trying to prove something that is simply not true.

I am looking into joining a gym for the medically fragile hopefully finances will not be a barrier and even there I fear more swelling and bad outcomes but I try. I have done physical therapy to even KEEP walking and yesterday some woman came up to me in shock I can even walk, I was walking through an Aldis I didn’t use to be able to walk in, being told, WOW I am glad you are so brave to keep going. LOL Lady you don’t know the half of the story. She was nice so I don’t blame her.

I wish the fat logic and healthy thin crowd would understand that not all bodies work the same, and many of us have tried to exercise and eat healthy with no where near the same results. The promise of CICO is failing many of us but we just get called liars. Perhaps some of you should ask why are people like Whitney Thore and Ragen holding so much weight on with their desire to exercise all the time?

and I wish that the fat and “I want to walk 5 miles” and prove I’m just like thin people crowd, would get a clue too. Weight does slow people down. I have taken issue with the likes of Marilyn Wann for years. They can’t claim the fat is NOT holding them back. It’s not reality. There is also the healthism and the underlying message that the only good fatty is the one who can walk in triatholons and who will push themselves until they drop like Whitney Thore. My lungs went before I got fat too.

http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.in/2011/01/health-at-any-size-and-healthism-in.html


CICO BELIEVER: The “promise of CICO” isn’t failing you. You are. Eating less would help your finances, as well as whatever conditions you have. If you can’t affect the calories out then affect the CALORIES IN.

Frankly I don’t care how hard it is for you to put less food in your mouth, do it.


ME: 

I did, it’s not working.

You all adhere to that like a religion. Look at those women, one even danced until she collapsed and ended up in the hospital. They are still fat. Why isn’t the exercise burning any of the fat off? Even if they “overeat” and I don’t know what either eat, shouldn’t it be HELPING the CICO equation?

” Perhaps some of you should ask why are people like Whitney Thore and Ragen holding so much weight on with their desire to exercise all the time? ”

——-

ANOTHER CICO BELIEVER:

Well, for people like Ragen and Whitney it’s because they are both liars and don’t exercise *nearly* as much as they claim. Whitney was a normal weight until her mom stopped cooking her meals. PCOS doesn’t cause that much weight gain, and it also doesn’t cause her to eat a bucket of ice cream as she did on the show. Ragen is just pathological.

It’s true that there are many reasons why people gain weight, or find it hard or impossible to lose it. And yes, that is often overlooked by the fit crowd, especially if they young and healthy themselves. It is frustrating, I get that. I have severe upper back problems myself and it limits everything I do in life, including exercise.

But the reality is that it’s people like Whitney and Ragen and the HAES crowd that are making it difficult for people who do actually have something physically limiting them. They are so loud and so obnoxious that they are warping the whole size acceptance discourse into a fight between fat and fit, with nothing in between and no nuances left. That’s the real shame.

CICO BELIEVER:
Other than those with Prader-Willi or some other mental incompetence there is no reason any person cannot lose weight. Eating less is not some sort of “journey”. It’s something you do because you realize it would be beneficial and then you just do.

These people are phonies but people who believe that they can’t lose weight aren’t any less delusional.

ME:
Sure [I meant to write some here] people can lose weight but keeping it off is another matter. I’m more then 200 down from my peak and have been for over 10 years but I’m still fat. Who would choose to be fat? You act like everyone’s body is the SAME.

ME:
That seems like an extraordinary weight gain just from having someone not cooking for you anymore. When she was a teen, wasn’t she out with friends or buying things in the school cafeteria? Wouldn't she have an eating disorder making her fat if that was her real problem by her teens? PCOS does cause massive weight gains in it’s more severe forms like Hair-An syndrome. She may need androgen blockers, thyroid pills and a full hormonal workup. I have PCOS, [many women with Lipedema can have multiple hormonal disorders including two thyroid disorders in my case]. I hope she isn’t pigging out on camera, I see a show here or there, but none showed eating except once which was some gross banana sandwich. Didn’t she live at home eating the same meals as her thinner parents?

There’s many people failing to lose weight in USA society, 60 percent of the populace. It’s getting worse too and while I have a “rare fat disorder” which Lipedema is in this stage, something more is going on with everyone. I see people getting fatter and see more people at my super-size, when I was a rare bird in the 1990s.. I think the problem is bigger then everyone failing in personal responsibility. I don’t like the HAES crowd for their denial but I am sick of people calling fat people liars and devaluing their experiences like look how [CICO BELIEVER] clings to his ideology like a religion, you lazy fatties can all lose weight. Between two sides, everyone gets fatter and sicker. You are right about the nuances being lost.

Telling people eat less is failing. These women are failing to lose weight even with shown displays of extreme exercise. Something more is going on. Even if Whitney and Ragen ate a lot, shouldn’t all the exercise at least be holding some of the degree of weight gain at bay? Do you believe they are making up the activity levels?

ANOTHER COMMENTER:

Yes they are lying about their activity levels . Whitney may feel she is burning a lot of calories that doesnt make it true.

Ragen is purposely lying as evidenced right here. She did not complete a 5k, she cheated. Intentionally. With the help of another fat person who claims to be active.

Both are still consuming enough calories to remain fat, regardless of the accuracies of their activity levels.

ME:
Dee why is the response to fat people always that they are lying? You have no proof of what they eat or don’t eat. I see two women who seem overly focused on doing activities usually restricted to the thin and healthy, surely this is bringing more burning of calories then sitting at home on the couch. If one cheated, and I don’t know if she did or not, then it sounds like she knew she was in over her head. So what’s happening? Perhaps CICO isn’t as firm of a foundation as you think.

There is some major irony to me here. Fat activists want to be like everyone else, go and try and exercise doing running events and others usually limited to the thin and healthy but at the very least midsized or under people in very good shape.  I am all for people exercising as much as they can and with balance but here we see a tip of the scale to trying to prove themselves at any cost to prove success in athleticism.  There seems an extreme push among some of these size activists to prove they can do everything the same thin people can. The reality is they hit endless walls of physical limitations from their obesity. We see those limitations on Whitney Thore's show in full view.

Exercise is supposed to burn calories. They are trying. For some reason, the above exercise is not having the same effect on their bodies in burning calories. Ragen's blog is full of endless stories of exercise, bicycle riding, marathons, this is not someone who did one walk in a year. She got in the public eye for DANCING. She speaks of training for iron mans and more. Same for Whitney Thore, she's active almost in every show I've seen. She got famous for being a DANCER which takes practice and above exercise. They are both still fat. Whitney is entering the supersizes at around 360lbs and Ragen, I believe is still midsized in the upper 200s, though I see some weight changes in her pictures.

Calling fat people liars who obviously are ATTEMPTING exercise, seems a bit dishonest. I worry about the fact fat activists are so into trying to prove to the world their bodies are just like everyone else and the false myth that fat bodies especially over a certain size range are "healthy" in the same way and I worry about the CICO believers, who just yell at all fat people even ones dedicated to extreme exercise as all being LIARS. Our society is so screwed up. The religion of CICO and ideology of extreme size acceptance collide! 

Generation Gap Discussion of Peep and Her Friends



 The generational warfare has been used by the elites forever. Archie who is a Baby Boomer cartoon character, had his own "generation gap". Money and financial differences weren't the difference then, but changing views in society. So yeah they were doing it even then. I was thinking more about the Baby Boomer discussion.

And I decided to talk about this issue with some friends on social media not using any names. How does one avoid the anger, resentment and envy but still talk about the realities of the economic collapse on one's self and its worsening for younger people? The constant money pressures for so long, are part of this picture. I know even as I write about the some of these economic realities, approaching this issue in a more fair way is needed. If I was a poor  or other baby boomer reading Generation X me railing about the "damn baby boomers", I may be annoyed too, so I took this discussion to friends. 

Here are snippets the discussion:

 ME: I have said some negative things about baby boomers. However I know there are poor baby boomers and baby boomers innocent of wrong doing. Do any baby boomers look at younger generations and think their lives are being destroyed? I hate what is being down to millennials and what has happened to Generation X. Why don't people protest what is being done to young people? Instead they are brainwashed by tales of "entitlement" and media stories saying the younger people deserved it. Generation X paid a high enough price and now millennials are getting it worse. I am disgusted.

 FRIEND: Me

 ME: I knew you were a boomer who knew and admitted younger generations were being destroyed.

 FRIEND: I am that baby boomer.

 ANOTHER FRIEND: As a sociology person who finds studies on tendencies to be interesting, I am never in favor of lumping an entire generation together and shaking one's finger at an entire population. It's like the study done that indicated that there is a huge issue of narcissism in the Generation X and Millennials population...I'm sure it doesn't speak for everyone in those groups.

FRIEND: We are are sorted by many things in society. Our peer group in this example is what I understood. Mine is babyboomer by virtue of when I was born. Their's may be Gen X or what ever the lable given to their peer group.

 FRIEND: Divided by generation or separated...

 ME: Yes the powers that be can use these divisions too.

 ANOTHER FRIEND: Don't forget when looking the studies on categories....Just because the sales of ice cream and the rate on crime both go up in the same month, doesn't mean that one causes the other.

THIRD FRIEND: We'll have to agree to disagree on the generation thing, but here's a quote from the article that sums it up: "But it is worth noting that plenty of older Americans share the same struggles as their younger peers. Many older people laid off in the recession were unable to regain good jobs. There are plenty of older people with few retirement savings, with their finances drained from paying for both elderly parents and jobless children. We need to acknowledge the way our struggles are intertwined, instead of allowing the media to stoke manufactured class and generational resentment."

ME: It's true they are out there too, and losing jobs and lay offs as well. LOL very true. Gen X and rest will be blamed one day. I wonder if some of the baby boomers got wore out protesting too.

THIRD FRIEND:There's also a saying, "be the change you want to see." GX & M need to stand up and fight if they want change. Stop being brainwashed. .... Just like race baiting, it's just another tool to keep the people divided and fighting each other, so those in charge (old and young) can continue to live off us like leeches.

A Road Less Traveled




I don't agree with Scott M. Peck on everything, but his books kept me going. One important book I wrote about was People of the Lie, I read that book at 18 and believe it saved my life. I also own A Road Less Traveled and read it at an even younger age for the very first time. When I read the line, "Life is difficult." it blew my mind. He summed up many truths about life. Accepting responsibility is a good thing but here too we have problems in life that are solvable and others that are not. Love is separateness makes sense too, treating people like only reflections of yourself is something narcissists do. Relationships must allow each person to be their own individual. "Don't expect your child to be just like you". The clingy stuff ruins relationships, where people want to enmesh with each other. "Honesty is freedom" is also a great summation of a Road Less Traveled.

Getting Revenge Is Always a Bad Idea

One thing to remember is if you "fight" back, the narcissists can use it. While being no contact all these years, the best response is silence. No more angry letters, or telling anyone off. There's nothing more to say and if I said what I was feeling, it would just dig the holes deeper.  I realized with the family, I would never be heard, and while I attempted positive relationships free of any discussion of the narcissists, it was impossible, especially given the fact, many were serving as enablers and messenger boys and girls. I said angry words to my brother 4 months many of which were true before I went no contact with him, but it was just basically shouting to the wind. With narcissists, you always lose. The only way to win is not to play the game. There is no "winning" here, that is why I "quit".

I am being majorly hoovered again. It is another attempt to "buy me" using my immense financial pressures, and my brother basically wrote me the same exact words as my sister did three years ago which was shocking and dismaying on another level. The refusal to "let me just go in peace" has given me deep concern especially this many years in and this soon after my aunt's funeral which I did not attend. I am attempting to not write about them or even think about them so much but was blowing off some steam online. My emails and PMs need stronger blocking as well.

When I was young, I was not a Christian yet and well raised in the crucible of the narcissists there was plenty of fleas to dealt with. On a message board when someone asked "What was your biggest act of defiance against your narcissists?" I did a new post about the time I went to my sister's wedding dressed up in a goth outfit wearing black lace, lace on my head and buckles on my shoes and goth signia. While there was some outraged looks at the start, my sister was not crying in the corner. My parents told me I "ruined" the wedding, but I was just on the peripheral.  The wedding proceeded as planned.  Today the outfit I wore probably would barely draw attention but back then wearing black alone to a wedding was a giant faux paus. I probably wrote too gleefully about this day, remember this was my act of defiance in "fighting back". My sister had joined in the abuse with my parents and done so for a long time.

A board opposed to the ACON message board posted against me and said, I was a horrible person in trying to ruin my sister's wedding. The guy running it is some sort of financial advisor who seems like a narcissist himself ready to dance on the pain of ACONs, and telling them that they are "weak". They said it was very narcissist. I didn't do it for attention, and really didn't get any.  It was the way I thought of standing up at the time. The blow to my self esteem was so immense in being told "I'd ruin the pictures from being so fat". These messages were multiple that year. Remember the credit card that was stolen from me? It was used for wedding expenses. I was angry. Twenty-five years ago, I didn't know how to channel it properly.

To the people I was dealing with I was a fly speck and my act of defiance didn't change that. The me of today, would tell someone about to wear black to wedding, just stay home, that would send a "stronger" message especially since you are about to go "no contact" like I did that first time. One thing if you are dealing with evil people and wrestle in the mud with them, the mud will splatter on you. It's always better to just get away. Some of us to become the person we are meant to become, we have to walk from the entire family system and confront our fleas. My family never brought out the best in me but the worse. In that way alone, it was best to depart.