Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Happiness and Reality
I wrote on an ACON discussion board, "Did you have to learn to be happy?"
Many people responded YES.
How does one learn to be happy? Perhaps this is the new lesson. I have talked myself out of the depths of despair, by focusing on art work, letting the little things bring me happiness, and focusing on husband and few friends I do have.
Reality isn't always a pretty place. Yes, I would rather be a happier person. I realized the narcissists messed me up where I was made to feel my entire worth of a person was based on what I achieved for their narcissistic supply. They stabbed me in the heart metaphorically using the juggernaut of my severe obesity, societal condemnation and their own inability to love or care. Joy and laughter were not allowed. I always wondered years ago why narcissists with money I could only dream of and active lives with many resources and blessings always were so angry. I remember my upper middle class parents complaining because they were not millionaires.
I have considered what changes can I make to be happier? Even if I can't solve all my problems, I do not want my happiness dependent on one day being in "better shape", and or having money. Why can't I have some happiness NOW. I do not want to wait until I am "acceptable" to be happy or have local friends. I think some cultural aspect of where I live now wiggled into my brain. This more affluent community made me feel JUDGED like my family. Some how those years of being beat down by my mother for not having money got intertwined with the love of wealth here. Needing it's better medical and other resources, how do I find friends here or find a new place? It is a question for the ages. I know I need some social connection to be happy. Sure with Aspergers that is harder, but I blossomed during the times of life, I felt some community.
Some said many ACONS need to learn to be happy. I know life was made into a checklist, by the narcissists one that I was woefully failing to check off on. Many of those ex friends I walked away from where checklist types, where life was supposed to be all about success. It was like only tommorrow and being on top were important. A few were even growing old, telling me how they had to be perfect weights--in their case they were thinner or average people, and how they had to "succeed".
I sometimes wonder if the struggle to learn to be happy, is rooted in the fact that us scapegoats had no unconditional love growing up. Love was something that became earned by "conditions". What if you don't meet conditions then and "fail"? True love is not adhering to the checklists constantly. There's no soul in it. Sometimes I think many have lost their soul and there goes any real love. I wrote long ago, I want to wake up without the burden of feeling like a failure everyday. Living in this body like I have all these years has been very difficult. A body that was used against me. A body that made me wish I was someone else for decades. I once thanked my husband for saving my life. He did, because he brought real love to the table. Sometimes I have asked therapists how I was able to love others when I had no love growing up?
How can one be happy today? Some say happiness is a choice. I've had severe enough depression before, where I have had to shut down the spiral before, and the only way up, was to run like hell from the make demands set into the arms of people with love and a different view of life. Focusing on the little things, art projects, helping others when I was able to. For many of us ACONs getting out from the yoke of narcissists and a growing narcissistic society can be quite a process. We have to rework what we were told about happiness, reality and life itself. Also we start asking ourselves "What will make us happy?" I'm in that process now even given making future decisions about my life and remembering the happier years and what they held in common.