Monday, July 18, 2016


Seen on an Aspie board online:

"Because your value to them is based in the benefit they can derive from you. God may look at the heart, but man looks at your utility.

A friend I hadn't seen in a while told me he forgot how enjoyable I was to be around, and he wondered about why he didn't contact me more often. A girl told me that she was surprised to see how much I "had to offer." People will talk about what you "bring to the table". Utility. Benefit. That's what they are looking for.

They determine what benefit can be derived from you (are you funny, are you wild, can you come up with witty comebacks against people who try to abuse you, can they tell stories about you to their friends which will move them up higher in their own circles).  The less benefit they can derive, the less value you have to them. Autistics on the whole have little of the type of currency anyone is interested in. And to ****'s point, that also applies to anyone who can't bring the "goods" to the average social group: learning disabled, mentally challenged, differently abled individuals, whatever.

Most people feel they're climbing up some type of heirarchical ladder, and if you can't them on the climb, they don't want to be associated with you.

Unless you're someone that they can introduce to a group of their peers and feel that your presence will benefit the group as well as their own standing in the group, they're going to distance themselves from you. Society as a whole sees a benefit to providing some limited services to assist people in such groups (through charitable aid organizations and such) but few are willing to bring them into their own social circles as it will viewed as a social currency drain rather than a messed up as as that may be.

Enter the "useless eater" category and fail to be a "productive citizen" and there is a lot of judgement out there. Some may find this Aspie young man's words too cynical. There is truth in them however. I miss my old friends in my old town, many people there were okay with just BEING rather then DOING. My silent generation friends had gotten to that place as well as a few others. It didn't occur to me how RARE those people had become. There's a few everywhere but we need more. Are we bad people if we are not busy and productive every minute? Why do we always have to be proving ourselves?

Joan brought that being vs doing idea to me and I have thought about it a lot. I need being people not doing people. LOL My existence as a human being is not enough and some see people in that way.. Some of them tire me by the way they run around in constant career obsession and climbing the ladder.

There's many places in society now where you feel like unless you are of use to someone or have something to give, then you are not wanted. How much can you give? If it's a lot then you are more well liked? The narcissists see life as a give and get proposition. Who is of use to them? Who will help them get ahead?  For many thrown away by narcissistic families, because we came empty handed due to a variety of reasons, our only "use" was for narcissistic supply. This isn't just happening to socially awkward Aspies but to society as a whole.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately besides time with my husband. I don't mind being alone so much as I used to when young. I talk to people online of course, but I got tired of proving myself, or having to prove myself or being made to feel always "wanting". I don't want to '"sell" myself or "struggle for position. How many feel this way, you are only as good as you are useful to someone? Isn't there something sinister about it all? What happened to true connection? It's out there but seeming to get rarer.


  1. Life has entered this constant competition. I too, feel guilty about being this "being" person, but its when I'm the happiest. I always hate it when I try to talk to someone and they are barely listening, they are too busy to talk even. Or personalities mean nothing, only what you can do.

    Narcissists are all about control, I think I read that, and its hard for me to even imagine why that is so important to them, and its always me that goes off their grid of maintenance, and that is why they seem to want to pick me out, and well, I'm a straggler. Its amazing, since I grew up under a big control freak. Mother always wanted me to accomplish this or that, and it was important for her to see me doing things.

    I think I really did pick out when the SIL made everyone take their showers at certain times, that it was important that everyone followed suit, when they did that garage, but she left me out. I think she knew that if she tried to pick on me too, that she would have gotten a low down from me, and she didn't want that. The house was clean and orderly, and there was this empty feeling inside there.

    It seems like everyone with money, has marble sinks, and any home shows always has the same thing. You need to be on the rush to get your marble sink, have to work all the time to be able to afford them. I hate marble sinks for that reason, since its the big style. But, whether you like them or not, you need marble sinks.

    "Keeping busy" is very important to people. People wonder what I do all day, but I'm never bored, and right now I'm running out of time, and need to get the laundry done. And when I start working I know I'll have to be more productive, and I know its going to be hard, for I'm more of a being person. I'll have to just do the best I can, and I told myself that I won't be on the constant "do". I'd rather die than go to work all day and come home and work till bed time. I have my hobbies and they are are a great source of happiness for me, and I won't give that up. I don't know why people "run out of time" for life just keeps going on. You might fall behind on things, but I've been down to my last towel before, and the earth didn't open up and bury me. Then we have this thing about "priorites" so I guess my hobbies will be a priority. For if I don't have that I won't be happy. I know I won't be able to structure my life according to the norms of society, but its ok.

  2. I agree life has entered this constant competition. It tires me. Some of us are left out out of it. I lack interest. Also people want constant notice and the numbers and how well they "sell" to the masses.

    I have been made to feel guilty too for being this "being" person as well. My family would scoff at all endeavors I was into even volunteer work, because it "didn't make money". Yes I get tired of the "I am so busy" crowd. They aren't busy returning your phone calls. It's scary to me, to meet retired people even who are caught up in being busy and telling others how busy they are. I think slow down, rest relax, enjoy something!

    Yes narcissists love control. If you think about it the focus on being busy and achievement is about control because if you can keep the plebes proving themselves every second, no one is going to stop and think or question anything. It is hard for me to imagine why they like that so much too. It seems draining to me. I used to ask husband how do these people even get the time to micro manage and criticize everyone?

    If there is a narc in the room they never leave me alone. They tell me always "You have not done enough". All those project friends did it. My husband the other day told me I was his hero for making it through these health problems and even walking around while I was in pain. How come the projects just wanted to increase my burden?

    I was supposed to accomplish things, but my mother sabotaged everything, no time to study, no rides to school, etc.

    I hate seeing narcissists order everyone about and everyone obeying so that would have bothered me too. Many narcissists are clean freaks, [while there are a few hoarder messy types] the ones I have seen want that full control and ice cold homes that look like museums.


    1. I notice in the home shows there seems to be no individuality anymore. They all like and want the same thing as mandated by the authorities and corporate masters. I always wonder how those people have money for all that stuff. It seems they would be doing nothing but working for it all and stressed out. Hey I lived with narcs who did nothing but home repairs, cleaning. Their jobs were easy government jobs, where they had a paper pushing 9-5 gig, but the work never ended on having the "perfect suburban home" with newly decorated rooms and landscaped yards. They'd move out of every house about every 6-7 years until my mother finally stayed in the last one.

      Yes keeping busy is very important to them all. I don't have money or health to be that busy. It seems boring to me running around with a chicken with it's head cut off. They are always on the phone and seem so much in demand. I don't get bored even when housebound, there is usually something to do. I am waiting for husband to pick me up hoping he will get home early enough for me to beat the heat, I have to go to the drug store and veggie stand and get groceries. I'm housebound for three days definitely starting tommorow and maybe even longer then that. It will be so hot, even morning time escape will be impossible. Hope you have a good day Joan.

      I don't want to do things either 24/7. My brain can't handle it. I need time to read and veg out. Healthwise, if I went at the rate people wanted me too, I'd already be dead. I'd rather die or would actually die if I was worked like a dog all day. My body is swollen up even from getting up early to get husband up to go to a meeting.

      Yeah I don't want to be busy all the time. I live in an apartment, there's no dirt to shovel. My laundry has piled up too. I may cook and do comics later, I just did my lung nebulizing and leg wrapping. I get the feeling too my priorities are different. Even in days of health, I was depressed when I was made to work 60-70 hour weeks and never had time to just enjoy or do my hobbies. I can't and don't want to structure my life either according to the norms of society. I wish I could find other people like me though...if that makes sense. So I am right there with you.

  3. I can relate to this.
    Today I feel really ill and useless. But today I admit I am putting that on myself. I hate when my brain feels so fuzzy. I can't even do something creative in bed because I feel so blah..

    1. Hope you feel better soon. Yeah illness can make ones brain feel too fuzzy. Sometimes I just veg in bed and read things online and rest so don't feel bad for resting. :)

  4. Thanks. Needed to hear that!

  5. For years I thought I was surrounded by true and fast friends. Now I know they just saw me as a way to ingratiate themselves to my mother. And she really didn't have much money..... not in the big scheme of things.

    1. Yeah you found out there were not true friends. It's sad when you see users around like that who are in it for the money or having a sociopath's attention.

  6. Health care in the US is failing everyone and getting filthy rich in the process. Fatlings are the biggest users of medical resources.

    1. Sure and they are fattening everyone up for profit. You think people in Europe, China and South America don't eat?