Monday, May 29, 2017

Rock and Gem Show










The rock and gem show from the other week was fun, I got a piece of jasper I plan to make a necklace with and a few other rocks to add to my small rock collection. The first photograph is of a thunder-egg from Oregon.

I did not cause the national debt


My Husband's Cousin




Sometimes it seems some people die and just disappear. My husband's cousin died. I trust the person who told me she had recently died, and I had heard she was in and out of the hospital. Later I did see a death notice, but no one wrote an obituary anywhere.

My husband's family was estranged from hers even though they lived in the same town, the cousin's mother [my husband's aunt]did not get along with his father. Everyone had emigrated from Germany to the same small town back in the 1950s and 60s before the economic miracle in Germany took hold.

I once said to my husband, "You probably would have ended up better off growing up in Germany then the USA",but he said "Things were still pretty wretched then." His father almost went to Australia, so it is weird how people meet based on certain circumstances lining up. He was born here and has full USA citizenship, otherwise we might have already fled the country. His parents never became citizens but stayed here until they both died around 14 years ago. I can't speak any German anyhow and culturally some aspects of Germany would not be for me. He was only allowed to claim German citizenship up to age 23 and of course was perfectly happy growing up American.

Anyhow he had this cousin,she was around my age. She had a very tragic life. I didn't know her very well. She was a drug addict, and sometimes we would run into her at the beach,and at the gas station. I tried to invite her over a couple times when we first lived here, but she would turn me down. Once we made plans for Thanksgiving and she was a no show. So I knew she probably was too severely addicted to maintain normal social interactions,and well I only knew her very little. People in full blown addiction kind of scare me, but with her, I thought we could at least have some contact.

I suspect highly that she was an ACON scapegoat from the little I do know. I know families will have hard times with drug addicts and drug addicts will burn a lot of bridges but from what she told me, about her life, I got the feeling she felt unloved and abused growing up. I talked to her enough to share some of my experiences though I didn't lay it on too thick because she had enough problems of her own. I remember trying to give her some encouragement to tell her bad childhoods can be overcome,but then who knows if I am the posterchild for that hunched over my walker and with my own angst.

One time we ran into her, and I have some face blindness Aspies get and it's weird how people can look so different to me when they are not all there.  I barely recognized her but my husband said hello, and I was able to hide the fact I had failed to recognize her. Well I had only met her 4 or 5 times around town over 10 years. One time we gave her a ride, seeing her walking down this busy road,and another time talked to her while we were sitting on the beach.

I met my husband's aunt once who was her adoptive mother. In this case, the cousin knew she was adopted. The aunt was in her early 80s. This was around 4-5 years ago. I had not gone no contact yet but was reading a lot about narcissistic personality disorder and family dynamics but was considering all these things. I sought out my husband's aunt. We had lived here 5 years, he had little contact with her, and I said, "Since we live here now, shouldn't we meet?" So we did ONCE.

She walked into the restaurant we were meeting at and had a face of disgust for me. I am not sure if it was for my weight or what. I do remember being severely disappointed. She made me feel scared and on edge. She didn't smile very much.

The first question she walked in the room and asked me was, "Are you Lutheran?" I was honest and told her, "No, but I am a Christian, I have gone to baptist churches in the past." The question flustered me. Telling her I was a Christian did not appease her. She didn't seem too happy with this and like she was really angry. My husband had grown up in a German Lutheran family.  This town is predominantly Lutheran. We went on to converse. One thing I noticed around her, is I felt like she was very cold. She reminded me of my mother, upper middle class, and smug, so I was not upset with no more visits with her after that. Obviously she did not like me much, and didn't care about continued contact with her nephew [my husband]  she never contacted us again.

I know the other son, is a well-off doctor, he seems nice enough. I met him once in passing when he saw my husband at an art fair when he came back "home" from out of state where he lives.  He seems like a nice fellow and spoke of having loving visits with his mother.  I wondered how life really was for his adopted sister?

I know the adoptive sister was disinherited upon the aunt's death. The Aunt died a few years after I met her. I did not go to the funeral, we had no contact at that point.

It's sad to me, when someone gets such a hard life. I do believe many drug addicts and alcoholics come out of abusive families. Not every ACON struggles with substance abuse problems but some do. It really bothered me, that we found out this cousin died three months after the fact.  Her family obviously did not care. Some would judge and say, her drug addiction cost her the family, but I would say in this case I wondered if the family in the first place was part of the underlying trauma that led her to become addicted to drugs.

I think of how that "aunt" treated me, and how she wanted nothing to do with me, for not having the "right status" or "look" and I think about what happened to her. It really hurt at the time. It's like the Tiffany Sedaris story, and Aunt Scapegoat. People do become "throw-aways" in families, it is sad to see. 




Saturday, May 27, 2017

Wounded Oppressors?


Touching the Oppressor's Wound

I have to admit it bothers me a bit when people write on the wound of oppressor's. I think the Well Run Dry blogger means well and she admits that oppressors are evil and their acts, but I and another commenter challenged her over some ideas in her article. Oppressors do not care. She wrote of prison guards who die young and suicides among those who do oppressing. I wrote her as you will see below, these are the ones who had some conscience left, they could not handle what they have become.

 Churches sometimes will mislead people teaching way too often that the wicked are merely just misunderstood souls who have their pain. Let's not forget that when it comes to evil, most human beings have a choice, to do evil or to do good. Will you sell out to evil? Most human beings have those cross-road times in their life. Many choose to do good,but many do not. Some take the price of poverty in this world to not sell out. Christian martrys died instead of forsaking God. The excuse, "I was just following orders", is not going to cut it in God's eyes.

Here is the comment I left on this article:

"I agree the oppressors in many cases do not care.The suicidal ones are ones who still have some conscience left, the rest are like "machines" and "terminators" [see Ollie Matthews videos on malignant narcississm "The Narcissistic Resistance on Youtube] Ho ho is right you cannot educate or shame super-narcissists, they have no shame. Most of our global elite are sociopaths, sociopaths and aka malignant narcs do not have consciences, or souls any longer, they are the biblically seared. They do not CARE. The suicide cases are the ones who had some consciences left who could not bear what they became.

 I won't cry tears for our oppressors, remember even Nazis left the death camps and played with their dogs and kids at home and held parties for their friends. Sociopaths will bestows favors and smiles on some while seeking to destroy others, and "it's just business". Don't waste your tears and pity on oppressors, usually that is a way to get more abused. The churches are utterly failing in this realm seeking excuse making for oppressors and the most seared wicked. Non-violent resistance, is done to avoid turning into them."

Yes oppressors are dehumanized but they choose that dehumanization, they kill the soul within to harm other human beings. They shut off the spirit of life for the spirit of death within themselves. With many oppressors, no warning in the world will change things. How many malignant narcissists were told they were evil by their victims or challenged by a few brave souls? You think Trump doesn't know the level of disgust among half the country or that Paul Ryan is viewed as the man that wants the disabled to die? They KNOW IT, and they DO NOT CARE.

I do not think oppressors will even care that they are causing their own deaths.I believe the suicidal ones, are the ones who had some vestiges of conscience left, not that suicide is a good act either, but then if you think about it those people have turned so much to the dark side, in the case of an oppressor they choose death instead of repentance. Remember the lack of empathy that oppressors have for the human beings they destroy for profit or power or prestige, extends to themselves as well. If an oppressor cares nothing about their eternal destiny, or about life, or about other human beings when push comes to shove, they won't really care about themselves either. They've destroyed their own souls in their choosing of evil.

Proverbs 5:22 His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Boogie Wants Weight Loss Surgery



He says he is an eating addict,is he doing stuff like eating whole pizzas or bags of Cheetos? I hope he has watched My 600lb life to see the ins and outs. It is no walk in the park. Even Dr. Now requires successful dieting to even get the surgery which brings up my question, "if you can successfully diet why even get the surgery in the first place?" He could just have a regain. I am not a candidate for weight loss surgery as I have written many times. My body is breaking down under weight and I have my regrets but I never saw weight loss surgery as a way out. Things of course are more complicated for me.

They should offer the severely obese something better then the stomach butchery. I did become "more active" taking the bus and walking and stuff, but my body is being mean to me. It doesn't want to be active and punishes me for it hard. There is no growth exercise wise, at most I buy a little stamina but I get a lot of pain.  Today is a bed day though I got up to help husband put pictures back on the walls. I talked to my doctor about this, he said stay as active as you can but make sure you rest when the pain comes.

Yesterday I walked a block, this is a very long walk for me but I have done it before, maybe about 1/6th of a mile? It was akin to the distance of walking across two Walmarts. This means I can now take the bus to the library and get to other parts of downtown now which doesn't sound like much but is a big deal for me in terms of being able to do stuff.  I sit on the walker some to 'rest' but it made my range far further.

However because of other activities that week, and moving around to clean for the painters, I got some pain for my price of moving around so much. I have to rest today to get fluids off. Being fat is HARD. Thin people don't know how good they got it.

I can't blame Boogie for wanting weight loss surgery. Maybe he will be one the spin of the roulette wheel will work for. If he does really have an eating disorder, maybe he will be more normal "eating normal" in his case. Part of me wonders why did he lose only 60lbs on all those diets? He says he stopped gaining weight, well that is important to do. He could be facing metabolic issues too.  He says later in the video for him it was not hormonal problems or his legs {nod to Lipedema?} but what was in his head and says he really is an eating addict in his case.

My worry is that he sounds like he went doctor shopping to get the weight loss surgeon. He probably got turned down by most, because at 500lbs, eating disorder or medically caused case, your chances of death are pretty high for any surgery. Having surgery with uncontrolled blood sugars is a very bad idea. This makes me scared for him. He's got to get his blood sugar balanced.  He seems so desperate for answers he is not facing the things that may come with weight loss surgery. All fat people hold out for so much hope. Maybe he will be one of the lucky ones, I hope so. He has youth and financial security going for him.

Sometimes I fear he expects a miracle. Many supersized people fall into this trap.

 I don't believe in a miracle rescuing me from the obese life anymore. I don't believe in the weight loss miracles or diets anymore. I think I got to a place where I decided "eat the most healthy you can afford" and according to blood sugars and hunger pains, I adjust the food according to blood sugars constantly and let the chips fall where they may otherwise.

 You get tired of the false promises, and the rest. I remember myself the surge of excitement for every diet and program---The Adkins diet will save me! No the gluten free one will--I do have sensitivities to grains that I must still avoid.  The Keto diet will save me--they got the Lipedemic world now jumping on that bus. And then with some it's the weight loss surgery. Regains are common. If you are in the size acceptance world, you know this as fact. Many people in that world, already got weight loss surgery. Some save themselves from a 600lb life losing and then rebounding to a more functional 400lbs but there are those who regain all the weight. We see the people on My 600lb life in the very early years when the weight comes off initially, they are on that high.

Every fat person dreams of being thin. I don't blame Boogie for it, as I sat downtown yesterday, I wistfully looked at the thin people walking by me, wishing in my mind I had been born as one of them. It's the inner trial of the supersized fat person.  Maybe he will find his way out but very few do. I worry he is letting "the dream" blind him to the health risks.



When the Scapegoat Walks Away



This video is very interesting because she talks about what happens in the narcissistic family systems when the scapegoat walks away. Her lines about "silence" speaking for us, are very good, and encouraging. She says many families choose a new scapegoat and things break down between them because they no longer have the scapegoats to throw trash on. Dynamics in mine definitely will change,I am guessing because of distant lived between all parties, they will just have less to do with each other but there was the removal of two scapegoats with the death of my Aunt Scapegoat and my walking away. Anyhow this video is very encouraging to ACONs.

Road Closed Painting



This is my most recent painting.  I did it from a picture by a friend of mine who is a talented photographer, so the scene in the painting really exists! 

So What Did We Get for Our Almost 5 Trillion Dollars

"The United States federal government has spent or obligated 4.8 trillion dollars on the wars in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq. This figure includes: direct Congressional war appropriations; war-related increases to the Pentagon base budget; veterans care and disability; increases in the homeland security budget; interest payments on direct war borrowing; foreign assistance spending; and estimated future obligations for veterans’ care.

This total omits many other expenses, such as the macroeconomic costs to the US economy; the opportunity costs of not investing war dollars in alternative sectors; future interest on war borrowing; and local government and private war costs.

The current wars have been paid for almost entirely by borrowing. This borrowing has raised the US budget deficit, increased the national debt, and had other macroeconomic effects, such as raising consumer interest rates. Unless the US immediately repays the money borrowed for war, there will also be future interest payments. We estimate that interest payments could total over $7.9 trillion by 2053."

Remember BOTH parties continued with these wars and Trump has no intention of stopping, so why the leaders of this country are busy scapegoating the disabled, poor and elderly as "costing all the money" as Republicans especially cry crocodile tears about the national debt, don't forget this statistic, 5 trillion dollars, and how much more will be spent?

Monday, May 22, 2017

The Price of an Evangelical Christian Soul

The Price of the Evangelical Soul

"

 invited Jesus into their hearts, but when the rubber met the narrow road they evicted him and took the cash. 

you cannot serve both God and money—he just probably thought he’d do better in the Bible Belt this year.


cost, is that the Church itself, though winning this political battle has lost the greater war for its humanity and its dignity.



America Needs a New Labor Movement

Why Worker's Won't Unite

"So far, though, the fraught future of labor in the U.S. has notably failed to generate public protest on a significant scale. Nothing in American politics compares with the civil-rights crusade, the movement against the Vietnam War, or the labor wars of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Could that change? Might the future possibly hold a resurgence of the indignation about class disparities—and about the labor and economic circumstances they reflect—that was once focused on the workplace?

Today, the labor movement’s decline is widely considered an irreversible reality—the inevitable outcome of globalization and automation, and the norm for a postindustrial economy, hardly worthy of comment. When discussions turn to the glaring and still growing imbalance of power between working-class and elite interests in our political system, Republicans celebrate the free market and certainly don’t invoke a return of unions. But neither do most Democrats. Why this is so, why it’s a problem, and what if anything might be done to revive the politics of work—these issues are the subject of two very different books: the historian Steve Fraser’s The Age of Acquiescence and Only One Thing Can Save Us, by Thomas Geoghegan, a longtime labor attorney."

This is because both parties, are for the wealthy and sold off to the mega-corporations. The Democrat party has already forsaken the working class and below and even with Hillary's loss, I do not see any changes. I have seen a few bloggers and others speak of a "new progressive" movement or the "alt-left" but they seem to be just on the fringes. The wealthy are running both, and they don't want the workers to unite. It seems to me people who are poor or working class in America, are so divided via race and other divisions, and so beaten down, and fearful of their survival, that worker's rights are being basically stripped away. The "free market" is a joke. There's no such thing as that unicorn in this world, freedom for the most rich who can buy their way out of rules and regulations. One thing I worry about is that expectations have sunk so low, that most have subscribed to the "dog eat dog" ethos, I see this all the time on Facebook where the hatred for the poor has grown. They got working class people more busy beating up on the "deadbeats" on welfare and disability--notice how Trump has focused on the most vulnerable in society rather then wondering why their wages haven't gone up in 20 years.

One can see the REGRESSION when it comes to the work world. There's no bright future. They cling to the ideals of the 19th century and wish to strip away the hard won rights of the 20th. I hope young people especially millennials wake up before it is too late. Sadly too many subscribe to Social Darwinism for the new American Hunger Games.

In Defense of Needy People



This video is great in that it sees the problem not with the "needy" person but those around them who are angered by emotions and need for attachment. Many ACONs can struggle with being needy. It was a bigger problem for me in my 20s,secure love and marriage helped to curtail the needs of loneliness and my desire to seek connection. I can still struggle now wishing that socially I had been more successful, but when people lack love in their background, neediness can arise. Human beings have social needs that must be met.We are not islands. American culture is dysfunctional in that it expects people to operate solely alone.

Monday, May 15, 2017

The Surprisingly Mysterious Life of Famed Artist Bob Ross



Family Scapegoating Article

I found these articles interesting, it is from a Christian website against abuse:

Family Scapegoating Part 1

"The chances of a family scapegoat escaping are slim and usually do not occur until a person reaches their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. And, when a victim does, indeed, escape and boundaries go up, the family is viciously angry. The victim continues to be the scapegoat and the family further bonds with each other in their hatred for the victim. But, he or she is no longer available to accuse. Accusations are slung in other, less direct capacities (blog posts, letters to friends, letters to the workplace). However, after a while, as the victim is no longer bothered by this, they cease. More attacks may come up later but, all in all, with “no contact” from the victim, things get better. The family of origin, however, begins bickering, back-biting, gossiping and dramatizing within their own cesspool of hatred and they, eventually, find another scapegoat! And the cycle begins again.
So, what often happens is, a man or woman leaves an abusive marriage, pursues divorce (enormous amount of bravery required here) and the family of origin begins to (for lack of a better term) freak out. They are afraid that their secrets will be revealed as they watch the strength of their former victim blossoming. Their grip on the victim’s emotions becomes tighter than ever. The victim is laying on the floor, trying to rise and the dysfunctional family stands on his or her neck. They  make a healthy relationship impossible (unless the victim is willing to place his- or herself under their control) so the victim begins to set up healthy boundaries. The family of origin then claims “abandonment”. Mud-slinging begins. And the victim is left shattered in pieces . . . completely dazed and frantic as he or she tries to make sense of the world that has gone crazy in a few short weeks.
She was always the scapegoat; and she will continue to be. The only hope for her is to escape, go “no contact”, and learn how to become all that God intended her to be in Him. This is no easy feat and takes a lot of time"

Deathly Allergic to Seafood? Let's go to Red Lobster!

I had this adult memory return I haven't thought about in years. I forget why the family was eating out with my brother's ex wife and family but this was around 18 years ago when they were still married. I am deathly allergic to seafood. I have not eaten shrimp, or shellfish in 25 plus years. I could eat fish into the 1990s but that ended really quick. My mother wanted everyone to go to Red Lobster, I remember protesting, saying "I am allergic to seafood" but everyone ignored me. They always did what she told them. I was even scared of breathing in seafood fumes from the kitchen, with shrimp and lobster and getting an asthma attack. I loaded up with Benadryl to go. The person I am today, I now think, "What in the hell were you thinking?" I would not enter a Red Lobster today, I probably would die just smelling the shellfish in the air. My boundaries were so low. As time passed, and I got more ill, I had to draw boundaries to preserve my health, and life. Only a narcissist would get someone who is deathly allergic to seafood to go to Red Lobster where there was barely anything on the menu they could eat.

700 Calorie Carrot Cake?

Does Posting Calorie Counts Change Ordering Habits?

Most fat people have calories memorized, after years of dieting and weight gain paranoia. I swear I can guess every food on the dot. I even ordered one meal at a recent restaurant that had a calorie count on it, but it did not surprise or shock me and was around the amount I would have guessed. I do wonder if people will forgo donuts and lattes and more "external" foods. I always drink coffee with a little bit of creamer in it, and never one of those lattes knowing it can blast through 500 calories and a giant sugar-rush. Diabetes is a constant calorie and carb count a thon anyhow. If I eat 2 hours too late near 9 or 10 at night, it will mean 20 more points. Too many carbs like eating something like fried rice with vegetables and some meat is higher on the carbs. It's a constant science project. If I saw a 700 calorie carrot cake, I would not order it, thinking, "Oh yeah that's equal to one whole meal" or a third of calories for the day, or more. Forget that!" 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Take Care of Yourself Today


Treat yourself on this non-holiday day.  I may go down to a local beach today and enjoy some time outside.  I plan to finish a painting today and mail it off soon, and have a lot of others things to get done after I post here. I've been cooking a lot lately and made some vegetable curry and chicken yesterday. Take care of yourselves and remember the above. :)

Monday, May 8, 2017

Zine Fest!

                               Poster display at the zine fest
                           
The other day, a friend drove us to a big city zine fest. It was a nice day trip. I am still recovering physically but it was worth it. I bought some zines, and there were hundreds of booths, I was like a kid in the candy store. My favorite zines are ones with comics and ones that write about personal lives.

We had a couple work shops and a zine reading room. We made buttons at one and another workshop showed printing techniques. It was fun to see the variety of zines, art work,comics and more. I got a cookbook zine,personal life zines, and ones with comics. I took my 140 page zine comic I finally had got shrunk down and photocopied and showed it to one cartoonist whose work I recognized, and he had good things to say about it. I have decided to "old school" this comic, the technicalities of computer art techniques are difficult for me, but since it is 140 pages long, I have to figure out how to divide in into volumes and plan to include some writing with the art. My husband took a few copies of a zine he has made that has some of my art work in it, and passed a few out.

 It was nice to see a variety of ages at the zine fest, and it was a crowd I felt comfortable and happy with. The freedom of zines and self publishing, and time away from screens is growing popular out there!

Here's a couple of zines I got....




Peep at a Political Meeting



Well they are still trying to push that horrible Trumpcare through. If my husband is up to it, I plan to go to our Tuesday protest. There are many independents against Trump, so don't make mistake thinking everyone has "joined the other side". I'll go to whatever "side" I think is "right"on individual issues. The Republican attack on health care personally frightens me. I need the level of medical care I get right now. Having it taken away would be a tragedy.  I have stayed "Stable"and that is a good thing. It is hard won, with a house call doctor, I now get on with quite well, and medications that yes are too expensive,but keep me alive and breathing.

 One lung medicine changed my life for better, no more severe bronchitis, I believe this drug even allowed my heart to grow stronger and less under strain too. Other people are scared and petrified. While ACA was NOT perfect, and I know it cost too much to working class and middle class people and had too many insurance middlemen, taking the rug from underneath people is evil. Of course single payer which would be the best bet, is cried against as "socialism". Fox news has sheep dipped many into worshipping Capitalism and thinking the "Christian" way is to go let people die who cannot afford healthcare. So I'll be protesting again and wearing a button I made that says "Healthcare is a right."

I went to a local political meeting that had some regional representatives, mostly state reps. It was a forum on aging and disability issues. I didn't vote for any there. They were all Republicans. One was from a small town south of us, and was more moderate and supported my ideas on health care, but one thing I noticed is how out of touch some of these Republicans were. They kept talking about all the unfilled jobs out there and this idea that poor people don't want to work. I thought "What jobs?" Later I and my husband talked about this and I said, "Even that has become a lie, they are posting jobs all over that are going unfilled. The idea that there are all these jobs out there is crazy when we know all these unemployed people." There is that Republican blind spot where they do not realize most on welfare are working.  Some higher social classes have no inkling how the majority live. This bothered me but I kept quiet, and kind of regret it but I was saving my fire for a more important question.

I said to them, "What is the state plan if Trumpcare is passed and seniors and disabled can no longer attain care?" I also then said, "Why does the Republican party seem to have it out for the disabled and elderly where we are the first on the chopping block,and there's always more money for war?" I got a few shocked faces, and the more moderate representative responded to me, telling me he believed health care was a right, so that eased the tensions.Later I did say "Disabled and seniors are frightened, and have every reason to be."

One lady brought up the fact that many people are afraid of sliding through the cracks, and fear losing health care. She also pointed out that home health care workers are severely underpaid and the politicians in the room did accept that fact. Most agreed that would turn into a serious problem.My state has a 7,000 long waiting list, for care programs that will keep people out of the nursing home. That seems counterproductive as having someone in nursing home care will cost a lot more then having them at home. I have signed all the petitions I can in defense of the disabled and against Trumpcare.

There was one guy there who represented the office of local federal politician who has been in support of Trumpcare recently. I noticed his reactions at my question and others when Trumpcare got brought up. He nervously laughed.That federal politician has ignored the calls for town meetings and more. We used to run into him in town, but I get the feeling with all the protests and more, he's probably hiding out. I read he didn't attend an annual parade he usually is at.  Probably to avoid all the booing.

This country is losing it's heart and the orange faced sociopath is leading the way. For some of us, this is our life.

The Republican Party Scares Me

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

A Young Woman Who Had Her Lipedema Caught Early



She's at stage 1. I am glad young people are finding out about this disorder at an early age before it disfigures them or takes them into the higher stages. Liposuction for Lipedema is considered new, from what I can tell it works better on lower stage patients. It is not a viable solution for me,though if I won the Lotto who knows, but my dangers of infection would be very high. I don't like them using the 11 percent number. Some women may have mild Lipedema in higher numbers but high stage people it is considered a "rare fat disorder".Hopefully now people will be diagnosed sooner and won't end up losing their mobility or at very high weights like me anymore.

May Art and Photo





Done with them ALL



I'm finally done with them ALL.  Don't make the mistake of trying to win a few family members to yourself or getting down in the pit of trying to win them over. 

I put the last on restricted status on Facebook. I spent too long trying to "win" a few stragglers to my side. It was a waste of time. Even ACON's who go no contact from abusers and are a few years in, can make that mistake of thinking, "Maybe I can get this nicer relative to see my side of things," So you try and are nice and think thoughts like, "Let's focus on positive things" but then you realize the betrayals are still there. The disrespect is still there. It's more subtle but it is there. 

I tried to hang around and "win" a few over away from the narcissists. I wanted to have a few family members left in the world.  It failed.They will always do what they are told by the narcissist even if they tell you to the contrary. They do not care. Even trying to hold on to relationships with the cousins, hurt me. They still were visiting my abusers. They all kissed the butt of my abusers and those people came FIRST.

This means from Queen Spider, I have no family left. NOONE. All nieces and nephews were turned against me. They all chose to believe her smear campaigns. I hate my "role" in the family and have rejected it and even the most extended relative never failed to remind me, so I am finished with the ENTIRE LOT.

I wasted the few years after the initial no contact trying to "win" a "few" people over after going NC with the majority. Scapegoats are never validated. They will not give a crap about your causes, art work,or who you are, they will only see you as the narcs do. Even with "nice" ones be careful, too many people are sheep and they love to bootlick narcs. My Uncle narc got really chummy with all the cousins. You may have hopes and dreams of recovered relationships or keeping that niece or cousin in your life, but in my case it ended up being a pile of dung. I just got hurt again.

Some of us will get to that place and inner strength of realizing all the "trying" is for naught. The whole family system is poison, we have to accept that this is a group of people we were not loved and cherished in and nothing we do or say is going to change that. This can go out to the extended relatives too.

Many ACONs face this, where they think they can "save" or "recover" a few relationships in the family. We are a few years into no contact and that is going well, but we have false thoughts, about recovering a few family members and think "Well maybe I won't have to cut everyone off, that's a bit harsh isn't it?" 

The narcissists move in, they don't leave one thread or person untouched. Even the most extended relatives will be used as report tellers, and grilled for information, they will keep secrets for the narcissists and always betray you. You may note too among the "nicer" extended people, there are things that bother you, how every time you tell them anything you are "wrong" or "too emotional" or how you feel on edge around them all. Validation is rare or you must always be on your "best behavior". Some families are so narcissist riddled, that if you expose one or two narcissists, there's another to pop up in place, and they will lie too. I faced facts that Aunt Denial was just as poisonous as my mother with her specialty of "concerned trolling" and crocodile tears to be far more advanced. I went no contact with her three and a half years ago along with my mother but my cousins were being very influenced by her and her husband, Uncle Narcissist. They visited each other several times a year.

We get dreams of potentially viable relationships. I had it with one niece who I was emailing for a while, and who refused to befriend me on Facebook and treated me as though I was poison. I tried so hard to reach out and loved and cared for her, so this one hurt me a lot. I realized however I was not going to win over the messages or control of her parents and walked away peacefully. I thought I could keep my cousins in my life on a very low contact basis and maybe later visit and reconnect but I noticed how often they were visiting Uncle Narcissist and even making sure I was not invited to family events my mother and sister were not at. They followed all the directions of the narcissists, and the flow of communication within the family remained narcissist driven. To be frank, if someone has any connection with a narcissist, you have gone no contact with, in most of the cases the relationship will not be to rescued. It didn't escape my notice how lovingly they spoke of my mother. One cousin would admit my mother was "toxic to you" but that's all I got, past that he saw her as a nice woman, and me as the "problem" and that "she was just the way she was".

Don't waste a few years spinning your wheels like me. Ditch all who have treated you with disrespect and who have chosen the narcissists over you.  They are betrayers already not to defend or stand up for you and the constant litany of trying to correct the endless narcissist's lies grows old. Younger members of the family may be less culpable, but they are in the fog and have been given a picture of you via the narcissists as well. Escape the trap of seeking love and validation.

 I know even three and half years in, I still struggle,like I am pulling myself out of a mudbog. I know I have walked away from so many people. I went no contact with my brother a year ago and still do not regret it.  I dealt with one of the most severe sociopaths out there, where every word was manipulation. Four decades of abuse is a lot to overcome. There is so much to fix.  With the ended friendships, having no family, it has been worth it, but there has been a lot of pain. Inside I ask myself continously "How did it go so bad?" I have been disappointed and betrayed so often. I can't do it anymore and I am not. 

Facing the fact of how I was seen and treated was very difficult. It bothers me that I had so many unhealthy relationships in my life where the main message was that I was "not good enough" and was surrounded by so many people who told me I must be fixed to be acceptable. I realize now the immensity of what I was denied. I believe if I had not entered into a loving marriage, where there was true acceptance and love, I would have been destroyed. What these people did to me is that bad.

To heal one must seek out people who do love you and accept you. I have a few. But I know at this time in life, I am no longer going to "TRY" to "WIN" anyone over. Once that begins, you have already LOST the relationship and there was never a real one to begin with.