My Cluster B Parent Died and I Felt Nothing

 There was a LOT I related to in this video, including when he talks about picturing himself in the mental institution and how his enabling father would silence their laughter because it enraged his imposter mother.

 His discussions about dealing with the damage and process of discovery are quite revelatory. I think back on when I was a teen, reading psychology books from the library and when I discovered the book "The People of the Lie" at the age of 18.

One good part of the video is when he discusses how we remodel their abuse into the "love" we are told they have...where the bullying is called "acts of discipline". Sometimes it can take years to work through gaslighting ourselves as children due to this indoctrination. This comes from "the impossible task of reconciling malevolent behavior with a benevolent image". When he talks about not missing her and never desiring her company, that was me, and of course as children, that brings on the guilt. "Children aren't supposed to feel this way about their parents."

He also dealt with a two-faced parent, all us ACONs remember those sweet words to others, as they just finished cussing us out. Mine would smile and then after the visitors left, would say things like "Who do they think they are!?" and would complain about them. Most people never could fathom what my mother said about them behind closed doors.

His mother's other traits matched many of mine. Mine took some things further being higher on the Cluster B spectrum, but the vanity and masks are the characteristics of many narcissists. His discussion of when he figured out her cruelty and mind-games, when she told him he was going green, is also an interesting segment. It took me time to realize mine did a lot of mean things on purpose. It wasn't about correcting behavior or that I was "wrong", she simply wanted to screw around with me for kicks. My father was a narcissist too in my case, but followed many of the behaviors of Walter.

His discussion of "internal patchwork parents" also stood out to me. I did the same thing, with nuns and teachers I loved, that aunt I spent too little time with, neighbors and latching on to friend's decent parents. 

There is a part 2 to come. I've always liked Theramin Tree videos, his warnings about the corruption of organized religion too, have been helpful to me. 

Among the Zombies, I must be Cautious.

 

The dystopian nightmare seems like it will never end. I don't feel much in common with a lot of people. Don't  people get normal colds anymore? I went on my Facebook the other day, at least 6 all wrote, "I have Covid!" Their belief in the plastic pregnancy strips of doom, never ends. One wrote she was canning chicken and rice while being ill. If you are that sick, you would not be canning. Canning seems too exhausting to me right now.  I know she's unvaxxed. I wrote her and said, "Why do you trust those PCR tests, do you want masks and lockdowns back? Maybe you just had a cold!" She's ignoring me. LOL I probably should keep my mouth shut more, but I feel so repressed as it is like a balloon being squeezed among the zombies. Some almost seem proud of Covid. They seem gleeful, like they are part of a club. She has no excuse having questioned the vaxxes. I don't get it. 

I did succeed in throwing off the masks and "living normal". Thank God.  I ruined my life listening to fear mongers online about the "long term" effects of Covid and hid out too long, and paid the price. Fortunately I have a few close friends, we stuck together during all this. I exchanged presents with two the other week, and we had a friend visit for Christmas. However life is still anything but normal. I feel weird around normal people, like I have to still watch every word I say. It's kind of maddening. I haven't been able to reclaim the same social life I used to have. It's gone. I have no money for former activities too. Add in losing all ability for conversation outside of the transcribe phone. 

We have no money to go see the art club [I miss them], and I left the church. There's not much going on here anymore. There's no fun anymore. I don't know where to go. Even then conversation always seem stilted, I don't relate to most people at all. We have a few weeks until we can go to the senior center. Even then where's the motivation to talk to people who buy into all this? Except for my few friends and husband, I feel so lonely and out of sorts around "regular" people. I never knew this level of isolation was possible. I wish I could hear someone else bitch for once. This place was always too closed mouth. Minnesota Nice married to stiff upper lips, and saving face. God, even someone from New Jersey screaming, "This shit is whack!" would be a relief to me right now. 

From movies, we all imagine dystopia and economic collapse, bringing endless allies, to whisper with and meet with drinking coffee, to say how much Hitler sucks. There would protesters and pissed off people in the street. There's a few who understand, I almost burst out in tears of joy to be around a nurse who had the score at my functional doctor, but I see mostly blank-faced zombies at the grocery store and elsewhere. On Facebook, I talk about "nice stuff" except for a few friends in the know. I get frustrated a lot. I don't feel the same about a lot of people. Why did you accept this? Why are you still falling for it? Why are you getting sick, and not finally getting mad as your health implodes. Why do you believe the economy is great, as some of us go without groceries just because a guy that calls himself a liberal--ha what a joke-- is president?

Speaking of liberals, Bernie Sanders threw up the Covid "script" on Twitter. That guy's another disappointment. He's another sell-out and hypocrite. I regret all my support for him. We even donated to his campaign. He's another simp. Old man with a lot of money, sometimes saying things that sound nice, but all he did was assure more standing for the status quo. 

Maybe I've grown too repressed. That I should just let it all out and be hated as the "crazy conspiracy theorist". At least my head would feel clear, but the social price would be too much. I haven't felt safe in a long time. This is like life with my family, one wrong word and feeling like I'll get smashed.  I'll never feel safe around so called liberals again after all this. Remember all those groups I left? It did improve my mental health. You all can have your future of endless illness and subservience! I don't want it. I was in that social position of knowing saying too much could cause me problems. It was far better to clear out. 

 When I hear about variants and the rest of it, I think "Shut up!" at this point. My functional doctor did promise treatment if I catch anything. My regular doctor [my other one got sick from the vaxx and left the practice] is of sound mind too, fortunately for me. I wonder what that one stamp club friend will think, he brought me some stamps in October, he's gotten every booster like a pin cushion. I told him, "I will return to regular life, screw this, I have to quit being a coward". He told me, "You're crazy! If you don't get vaxxed, you will need to live in isolation the rest of your life!" I said, "I am old and sick, and only have so many years left so I must end this." I'm glad I did. I am tempted to write this guy, and say, "I did it!" I will never forgive the bastards in charge for my lost three years. Us disabled were left scrambling in the dark. The Covidians have nothing to offer me but death, misery, no solutions, and more bullshit.

I feel betrayed by the Covidian true believers. Am I wrong to? All I know is their submission and lack of critical thinking, will ruin more of my life and leave me vulnerable to new things the evil hatch. Sure I feel sorry for the deceived at times, and question my own beliefs, but it shocks me how so many still don't get that something is very wrong.  We on the awake side all know who would help drag us to the trains without hesitation.  I don't watch the news anymore. Too many lies. Most of it is propaganda. 

I stroll into stores sans masks. I can breathe and move easier. There's a lot of physical suffering, I remained in denial about. Finding normal seems beyond me. The masks did harm my health and lowered my oxygen. If they do a new pandemic, I'm not going to wear them.  I probably could get a medical exemption now based on COPD. They smothered me long enough. I do wonder if my health is permanently ruined. I'm having scary symptoms like seeing my heart beat in my eyes. I read anemia, cardiovascular problems--those are obvious, and other factors can cause this. I told my doctors. Maybe I've been fat too long. My blood pressure is normal, even kind of on the low end, and oxygenation. I'm supposed to exercise, I think of the long ago gym. How would my health be today if this crap hadn't happened? I wonder about that stuff. My health was improving back then. Why does everything have to be a struggle? Why is so much taken away?

I feel locked in a box both physically and mentally. I want out. I'm getting out. Just like I said Screw it, to living in isolation and being smothered by those damn masks, I'm saying screw it to a life with no future. I've arrived at these points at other times in life. It's time to leave a place. I wanted to leave years ago. Now it is necessary. It's like the time I escaped from Chicago. 

It's time for a life reset. This life isn't working. I know you always take yourself with you and maybe I came to depend on geographic cures too much, but I wanted to leave where I am at years ago. It never felt "right". I should have never left my old small town but there was no choice. You all can't even comprehend the regret and tears over that. 99 % of this town is vaxxed. I would estimate 80% are true believers and still lining up. I see people who question it all online. I'm good at pattern recognition. Part of me thinks get out why you can, as they are all going to get sick. The autoimmune illness and multiple cases of dementia in one still sleeping group was a giant waving flag. Stores and restaurants are closing here like crazy too. They say they can't get workers. Maybe because no one can afford the rent here, or maybe because so many people died or became disabled.

I'm going on more supplements, some vit B seemed to help for a time, but then I got this latest flare. I do need better food, less stress and more happiness. My life is kind of falling apart. Economically and otherwise. Many good friends have helped us. Yet again I'm in the place, where I have to "attempt" a life reset. I didn't get to have a normal life like other people, so many times of being "forced out of places". Remember my economic nomad article? Life in this community is not sustainable. Most of my friends live a little distance away. Yet another town, has told me, "you can't stay". and "you do not belong". There's no decent housing here. The rent has been skyrocketing for some time.

Two days ago, I had my husband take me to a small art museum, it was mostly to make myself walk around a little bit. Some people said migraines affects this for them. I've had a LOT of migraines lately. Light always feels too bright. I'm in a flare now, every skin sore busts out bodywide, my forehead is rotting off in red patches, psorasis over the top, extreme fatigue where I could sleep all day, the hearing always seems to fall a few notches. Chronic fatigue is from hell. I've gone so deaf all conversation is toast. I fear dying while I watch young healthy people chose death. It pisses me off. Even my desire for life, screams against them in the inner recesses of my brain. What is wrong with you? I wrote some people that my history of chronic illness has made all of this unbearable. Watching people throw lives away they take for granted.

Bad health problems are harder to deal with when the majority of the world is focused on illness and there seems to be no end of it. I noticed people getting sicker years ago. I know a few regretters who took the vaxxes and never touched that poison again, but around here they seem rare. There's too many still lining up for their clot shots, no matter how sick they get. I have uncharitable thoughts about "stupid people" far too often, as they gulp down their Jim Jones juice, and then tell the world "I have Covid" over and over. This discrepancy always has bothered me.  One wrote, "we just got our booster in October!" [number 7?] and complained about having Covid, I think this is this person's fourth or fifth bout of it. I'm beyond fed up with them. The Bible had a verse about living in peace with people, so I remind myself, they've made their choices. Keep your own boundaries. There's nothing you can do about it. Your responsibility is to find people you feel safe around and for self-care. You aren't responsible for their choices. My duty as I wrote on that other article is finding the best life I can find. If something is not working, it's simply not. 

I said to my husband one day as he gave me some idealistic view of politics, "We are old, we can't save this world, many have chosen destruction and death". He gave me kind of a weird look. I then added, "We have to take care of ourselves and find a better and more secure life, for whatever years we got left". 

 I exited my too long isolation, life is not the same. Everything here kind of sucks. People around here act like zombies. It's scary. My past memories of remembering people laugh and talk, seem so far away. Everyone forgot what life was like in 2019. I was on my Facebook the other day. The few friends act "real", but normal people weird me out. It's bad here in the grocery stores and in public life. Like people don't have emotions anymore. 

Everyone seems sick constantly. This beyond the people who write "I have Covid" over and over on their walls. You hear all this bad stuff constantly, people constantly in the hospital, people constantly dying. I ask all the time, "Why aren't they putting the puzzle pieces together?" The truther community keeps claiming the dam is going to break! They think Warp Speed Trump is going to step in and stop the genocide. What a freaking joke. They write things like "The Spars scenario is going to happen, the truth is coming out! People are getting so sick they can't deny it."

 I lost hope of it long ago, looking at the people around here and the majority on my Facebook wall, they remain clueless as ever. No one even seems to grieve what life used to be, and they have embraced the "new normal" and now constant illness and death have been embraced and "normalized". They don't even care that teens and kids are having heart attack and strokes. If that didn't wake them up what would? I have nothing in common with these people. Sometimes I feel like they want to stamp out my inner light too. 

The Lies Never End

 Well the Covid vaxxes are the reason for all the heart failure, but I guess now it's cover up time....

Obesity is Chemical Bloat

                                       source

Obesity is Chemical Bloat

We have known for decades that exposure to endocrine disrupting chemicals increases the risk of developing obesity. Look up the term: OBESOGEN. This includes the chemicals found in common consumer goods that have been known to cause damage to the adipose tissue system for decades. In addition to increasing the stores of energy in fat cells, endocrine disrupting chemicals store themselves in fat cells. Drawing on fat cells for energy releases the stored poisons. This is the obvious reason why those with obesity also suffer from chronic inflammation, cancers, heart disease, liver disease and other diseases associated with exposure to endocrine-disrupting chemicals.

Chemicals are fattening people up. People in the old days ate food, they didn't have to do special extreme diets like Keto or Carnivore to be a normal weight. Some of the anti-fat pundits may say "Oh everyone got more lazy and started pigging out!" I don't buy it. For years, I posted on endocrine disruptors and toxins that impacted weight on this blog. We swim in a chemical soup and in America, it's worse than Europe because Europe outlaws far more harmful chemicals. What is the chemical soup doing to everyone?

One part of my history I haven't mentioned much is epigenetics, my father worked at this Asphalt company and said he was poisoned. Now this was before my birth, but he would go on rants about how that place poisoned him when he was young and ruined his health for good. He would go on about how he got exposed to Benzene. It is used in asphalt production. Now imagine this, it's the 1950s and early 60s, I don't think environmental protections were up and running back then. When I got my medical records so much matched his, as I have written here. Probable misdiagnosed Lipedema, Lupus, and psorasis, and much more.

I also wonder about all the chemicals I got exposed to in art classrooms. I had to stop teaching any classes with clay as far back as the juvenile home. Even having the kids wipe the tables off after class and cleaning everything up, clay created a lot of dust, and it gave me asthma. Oil Painting? I had to stop by my mid 20s, the solvents were making me sick. My glass of paint thinner full of brushes brought me worse spells of dizziness. Imagine a whole classroom of paint thinner, and kids using it. Most of the time I stuck with acrylics, but there were art projects that used variety of solvents like making marbleized paper and other special projects.

I got this one temp job mid college working at a printing company drawing cartoon characters on plastic sheets, I think they were being used for animation or production of some kind. However I only lasted three weeks, right next to printing production, the smells gave me daily migraines. My migraines always brought visual auras, I felt like I was going to die. I liked the work, and felt it opened doors, after all the job used my art skills! However I had to quit.

If you google obesogens, you will endless chemicals out in our environment that negatively affect weight.

Financial Times: The Culture Wars Dividing America's Most Liberal Church

 Financial Times: The Culture Wars Dividing America's Most Liberal Church

This is a new article about the Unitarian Universalist church and what's happening in those circles. They talk about the proposed changes to the articles of the church:

"These would be replaced with a set of “values” represented by a flower pattern, with a chalice and the word “LOVE” at the centre and six petals representing the new values. These include a new commitment to “dismantle racism and all forms of systemic oppression”, and a change of wording in the very first principle of Unitarian Universalism. While the old principle said the “inherent worth and dignity of every person” should be affirmed and promoted, the new value says that “every person has the right to flourish with inherent dignity and worthiness” — a subtle but significant change in the language, critics say." 

Well, the troubles in the Unitarian Universalist church have hit international news. It's a small church, so very little is known about it, but some of the latest happenings are coming to light. Many are realizing the left and many of its institutions since Covid have definitely lost their way. They have become apologists for draconian globalism and the will of mega-corporations more than they have support for the betterment of anyone's life. If the USA goes ultra right wing, as I predicted years ago, I will blame the left and its failures. The left truly did become fascist for Covid tyranny. 

Culture wars made me weary in my Christian fundamentalist days. We had constant sermons on abortion, and other culture wars hot topics. No one ever seemed to have any real solutions that would work. It was a lot of rhetoric not backed up by any action to make anyone's lives better. I got in trouble a lot in fundamentalist circles, saying most abortions were sought under economic duress, maybe that needs changed. I didn't do well with other cultural topics. I still remember my last IFB pastor railing against those on welfare, while we were on welfare, from the pulpit, screaming the bible verse, about "those who don't work, don't eat". That guy was never short of a desired dollar in his life. 

Sadly, I feel like I experienced the same in the Unitarian Universalist church. I was on the edges as everyone rallied for the latest greatest culture war. I didn't have the "right" thoughts or beliefs and no longer fit in. There was a long list I did not conform to. Imagine being in a UU church when you are against gun control and think kids need protecting from butchering surgeons and doctors who want to fill them up with harmful hormones. Imagine questioning aspects of the morality of abortion too. 

Read these two articles for background on this one:

The Unitarian Universalist Church Controversy: When Your Church Goes So Woke You Can't Bear It.

Leaving Another Church: My Departure from the Unitarian Universalist Church

One online acquaintance told me, group dynamics always disintegrate. They are on to something there. Churches, governments, social clubs and fan clubs always seem to go to a bad place. They start off with good intentions but then the evil people seeking power and prestige come along and ruin it for everyone. Just as empires disintegrate, maybe organizations do too with enough time. 

David Cycleback is right about the Unitarian Universalist Association becoming "far left authoritarians". They do truly operate the same way. Think about it, I have been in America's most conservative church, the IFB or "independent fundamentalist baptist" church for many years and I have had 20 years of my adulthood associated with the Unitarian Universalist church. There's the same dynamics happening.

"Fanatical, dogmatic behavior, such as exhibited within the current UUA, exists in both the extreme political left and right and is a matter of psychology not politics. An Emory University study showed that far-left authoritarians share key personality traits with the far-right. A University of Montana study showed that leftists are just as likely to be dogmatic authoritarians as those on the right. 

 There's a reason that the UU wants to remove "freedom of conscience" from their charter now. Just as much as the fundamentalists expected me to be a Republican, which led to many troubling moments such as when I wrote a complaint letter to my first IFB minister when he told me to vote for Bush, the same applied to the Unitarian Universalists. I was expected to be a supporter of the Democrat party and to support Biden. There were certain "expected" politics. It's funny but there was even one moment when I got called a "radical" by a couple UUs for supporting Bernie. Now some may say, well those things naturally happen, people seek like-minded others when choosing a church but it seemed the expected politics and causes got narrower and narrower as I got older.

Everything is so commercialized and controlled now. Even the "woke" stuff is meant to paper over and distract from reality. Just like the "identity wars" protect the billionaire class as they rip us off and destroy our lives, it's all distractions. There were times I started feeling like I did in my old churches. No one wanted to deal with reality or one's real life. There was no longer no interest in truth.

Wokeness is a Product of Neoliberalism

The UU massively changed. I was in the UU way back in the late 80s and back then, there was almost this accepted notion one could debate and still disagree. In fact, the intellectual bent of the UU church was appealing to me, because independence of thought was so respected back then. Even the UU "World" magazine instead of being a organ of every "Woke" cause like with the latest pro-trans article pushing surgeries and hormones on a young person I really feel sorry for, was full of debates and arguments in the "letters to the editor" section. In the old days, there would have been no silencing like this about controversial topics.

Doing away with article 2, is not a good pathway, and there is an emphasis now by the official Unitarian Universalist Association on "shared values" and "covenant" which oddly is a Baptist word, denoting endless responsibilities to God and church. They almost want to turn what used to be a creedless church into a creed-filled church of the ultra-woke and politically correct. I had discussions with one church member I had kept in contact with, that this gave me flashbacks to time in the Baptist church. 

I realized the UU church was losing the plot especially since Covid. I cannot even describe my level of disappointment, in being the only one who questioned any of it. Where I live, none of the churches questioned it, not even the Baptists. My old IFB probably just ignored the topic, after all their loved Saint Trump supported Operation Warp Speed. 

The UU sadly has become a bastion of so called luxury beliefs. I knew going back into the UU, the same class divide would still exist. This class divide I realized definitely affected my differing views from the majority of my UU congregation. Everyone's circumstances affects their outlooks on life. I enjoyed many people in my past congregation. Many were kind and giving folks. Many UUs are so out there in high paid professional and academia land, even being mostly well-meaning, they have lost touch with the reality of most people in America. Sadly, many do not realize the depths of social inequality in our society and what is happening to people especially the young. 

Utopian visions among human beings always seem to go dark, no matter what it is. The "woke" left seems intent on imposing their "anti-oppression" views via more oppression. What a mess. 

This is why you see so many commenters on this article calling the UU a "farce" and a "joke".  I think they see this divide. One of the commenters on this article refers to "boomeritis", others "affluent, white, leftish, well meaning 'good people" and others still to the failure of liberalism as a whole, and the travesties of unbelief and referring to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions. 

There is no political left

A book I want to read:

Hollow Gods: Why Liberalism Became a Destructive Religion

New Poem. [And Yes, it Refers to the Movie]

 

They Live (Choose Eternity)

Too much obedience is a bad thing

Don’t dull your aura to a gray

Wearing the sunglasses of despair 

Among the sleeping.

Don’t mute yourself.

(I wasn’t afraid to tell you who I am)

Don’t empty out your mind

Sitting in the groups 

Where the charismatic

Shine with empty words

to those with no interior dialogue

And those of wisdom afraid to speak

Hold fast to your legacy and refuse to

Be a chimera to the corporations

We were resolute towers

Walking among the men as trees

Don’t join the crowd of hollowed out pillars

Those trapped in linear time and digits

They never found their boats of discovery

God defend us in a world waxing cold.

I don’t approve of any of it

Some of us spoke out with risk

As they built the prison walls and lit the pyres

The gaslighters blew smoke forming a fog

The house was on fire and everyone just sat there

Inequity will abound, endure to the end

Among the scattered sheep

Who got tired of being told what to believe

Mothered by books, a Cinderella to clean the house

And find the hidden papers

We were long ago tired of the lies.

Life force holding stead, burning it bright 

Elder Orphans hold firm resolve

Among the crying ancestors and ghosts with their smells.

I was done and undid my chains and freed

Myself without asking permission

Life is to live, run away with me, my love

We grew old anyway but at least we never lost our souls

A blip on the screen, a dust mote in the wind, a time in a bottle to be held. 

Growing Up as A FAT Kid

 

This video was interesting, it does show what it is like. It's too bad his grandmother overfeeds him. When I was writing Fat Pat, I thought of all the bad foods I was given, what if I had been given healthy foods? He goes to the gym, I'm glad his friends are supportive. I think about when I joined the gym and went and liked it, but there was so little weight loss. Some may find their way out, I hope so. Probably cases where normal eating brings a thinner body helps, I like the part where his three friends have changes from the gym and he still deals with being fat though he loooks a little more in shape. 

Fat Pat will be on sale soon.

 

I'll be posting Fat Pat for sale very soon, probably in the next week or so. So get ready. 236 pages!

[UPDATE: I have an opportunity to get FAT PAT professionally printed and spiraled bound, so they will be more like real books/ zines! I plan to sell electronic copies and printed copies, so there is a delay but this is why!]