The dystopian nightmare seems like it will never end. I don't feel much in common with a lot of people. Don't people get normal colds anymore? I went on my Facebook the other day, at least 6 all wrote, "I have Covid!" Their belief in the plastic pregnancy strips of doom, never ends. One wrote she was canning chicken and rice while being ill. If you are that sick, you would not be canning. Canning seems too exhausting to me right now. I know she's unvaxxed. I wrote her and said, "Why do you trust those PCR tests, do you want masks and lockdowns back? Maybe you just had a cold!" She's ignoring me. LOL I probably should keep my mouth shut more, but I feel so repressed as it is like a balloon being squeezed among the zombies. Some almost seem proud of Covid. They seem gleeful, like they are part of a club. She has no excuse having questioned the vaxxes. I don't get it.
I did succeed in throwing off the masks and "living normal". Thank God. I ruined my life listening to fear mongers online about the "long term" effects of Covid and hid out too long, and paid the price. Fortunately I have a few close friends, we stuck together during all this. I exchanged presents with two the other week, and we had a friend visit for Christmas. However life is still anything but normal. I feel weird around normal people, like I have to still watch every word I say. It's kind of maddening. I haven't been able to reclaim the same social life I used to have. It's gone. I have no money for former activities too. Add in losing all ability for conversation outside of the transcribe phone.
We have no money to go see the art club [I miss them], and I left the church. There's not much going on here anymore. There's no fun anymore. I don't know where to go. Even then conversation always seem stilted, I don't relate to most people at all. We have a few weeks until we can go to the senior center. Even then where's the motivation to talk to people who buy into all this? Except for my few friends and husband, I feel so lonely and out of sorts around "regular" people. I never knew this level of isolation was possible. I wish I could hear someone else bitch for once. This place was always too closed mouth. Minnesota Nice married to stiff upper lips, and saving face. God, even someone from New Jersey screaming, "This shit is whack!" would be a relief to me right now.
From movies, we all imagine dystopia and economic collapse, bringing endless allies, to whisper with and meet with drinking coffee, to say how much Hitler sucks. There would protesters and pissed off people in the street. There's a few who understand, I almost burst out in tears of joy to be around a nurse who had the score at my functional doctor, but I see mostly blank-faced zombies at the grocery store and elsewhere. On Facebook, I talk about "nice stuff" except for a few friends in the know. I get frustrated a lot. I don't feel the same about a lot of people. Why did you accept this? Why are you still falling for it? Why are you getting sick, and not finally getting mad as your health implodes. Why do you believe the economy is great, as some of us go without groceries just because a guy that calls himself a liberal--ha what a joke-- is president?
Speaking of liberals, Bernie Sanders threw up the Covid "script" on Twitter. That guy's another disappointment. He's another sell-out and hypocrite. I regret all my support for him. We even donated to his campaign. He's another simp. Old man with a lot of money, sometimes saying things that sound nice, but all he did was assure more standing for the status quo.
Maybe I've grown too repressed. That I should just let it all out and be hated as the "crazy conspiracy theorist". At least my head would feel clear, but the social price would be too much. I haven't felt safe in a long time. This is like life with my family, one wrong word and feeling like I'll get smashed. I'll never feel safe around so called liberals again after all this. Remember all those groups I left? It did improve my mental health. You all can have your future of endless illness and subservience! I don't want it. I was in that social position of knowing saying too much could cause me problems. It was far better to clear out.
When I hear about variants and the rest of it, I think "Shut up!" at this point. My functional doctor did promise treatment if I catch anything. My regular doctor [my other one got sick from the vaxx and left the practice] is of sound mind too, fortunately for me. I wonder what that one stamp club friend will think, he brought me some stamps in October, he's gotten every booster like a pin cushion. I told him, "I will return to regular life, screw this, I have to quit being a coward". He told me, "You're crazy! If you don't get vaxxed, you will need to live in isolation the rest of your life!" I said, "I am old and sick, and only have so many years left so I must end this." I'm glad I did. I am tempted to write this guy, and say, "I did it!" I will never forgive the bastards in charge for my lost three years. Us disabled were left scrambling in the dark. The Covidians have nothing to offer me but death, misery, no solutions, and more bullshit.
I feel betrayed by the Covidian true believers. Am I wrong to? All I know is their submission and lack of critical thinking, will ruin more of my life and leave me vulnerable to new things the evil hatch. Sure I feel sorry for the deceived at times, and question my own beliefs, but it shocks me how so many still don't get that something is very wrong. We on the awake side all know who would help drag us to the trains without hesitation. I don't watch the news anymore. Too many lies. Most of it is propaganda.
I stroll into stores sans masks. I can breathe and move easier. There's a lot of physical suffering, I remained in denial about. Finding normal seems beyond me. The masks did harm my health and lowered my oxygen. If they do a new pandemic, I'm not going to wear them. I probably could get a medical exemption now based on COPD. They smothered me long enough. I do wonder if my health is permanently ruined. I'm having scary symptoms like seeing my heart beat in my eyes. I read anemia, cardiovascular problems--those are obvious, and other factors can cause this. I told my doctors. Maybe I've been fat too long. My blood pressure is normal, even kind of on the low end, and oxygenation. I'm supposed to exercise, I think of the long ago gym. How would my health be today if this crap hadn't happened? I wonder about that stuff. My health was improving back then. Why does everything have to be a struggle? Why is so much taken away?
I feel locked in a box both physically and mentally. I want out. I'm getting out. Just like I said Screw it, to living in isolation and being smothered by those damn masks, I'm saying screw it to a life with no future. I've arrived at these points at other times in life. It's time to leave a place. I wanted to leave years ago. Now it is necessary. It's like the time I escaped from Chicago.
It's time for a life reset. This life isn't working. I know you always take yourself with you and maybe I came to depend on geographic cures too much, but I wanted to leave where I am at years ago. It never felt "right". I should have never left my old small town but there was no choice. You all can't even comprehend the regret and tears over that. 99 % of this town is vaxxed. I would estimate 80% are true believers and still lining up. I see people who question it all online. I'm good at pattern recognition. Part of me thinks get out why you can, as they are all going to get sick. The autoimmune illness and multiple cases of dementia in one still sleeping group was a giant waving flag. Stores and restaurants are closing here like crazy too. They say they can't get workers. Maybe because no one can afford the rent here, or maybe because so many people died or became disabled.
I'm going on more supplements, some vit B seemed to help for a time, but then I got this latest flare. I do need better food, less stress and more happiness. My life is kind of falling apart. Economically and otherwise. Many good friends have helped us. Yet again I'm in the place, where I have to "attempt" a life reset. I didn't get to have a normal life like other people, so many times of being "forced out of places". Remember my economic nomad article? Life in this community is not sustainable. Most of my friends live a little distance away. Yet another town, has told me, "you can't stay". and "you do not belong". There's no decent housing here. The rent has been skyrocketing for some time.
Two days ago, I had my husband take me to a small art museum, it was mostly to make myself walk around a little bit. Some people said migraines affects this for them. I've had a LOT of migraines lately. Light always feels too bright. I'm in a flare now, every skin sore busts out bodywide, my forehead is rotting off in red patches, psorasis over the top, extreme fatigue where I could sleep all day, the hearing always seems to fall a few notches. Chronic fatigue is from hell. I've gone so deaf all conversation is toast. I fear dying while I watch young healthy people chose death. It pisses me off. Even my desire for life, screams against them in the inner recesses of my brain. What is wrong with you? I wrote some people that my history of chronic illness has made all of this unbearable. Watching people throw lives away they take for granted.
Bad health problems are harder to deal with when the majority of the world is focused on illness and there seems to be no end of it. I noticed people getting sicker years ago. I know a few regretters who took the vaxxes and never touched that poison again, but around here they seem rare. There's too many still lining up for their clot shots, no matter how sick they get. I have uncharitable thoughts about "stupid people" far too often, as they gulp down their Jim Jones juice, and then tell the world "I have Covid" over and over. This discrepancy always has bothered me. One wrote, "we just got our booster in October!" [number 7?] and complained about having Covid, I think this is this person's fourth or fifth bout of it. I'm beyond fed up with them. The Bible had a verse about living in peace with people, so I remind myself, they've made their choices. Keep your own boundaries. There's nothing you can do about it. Your responsibility is to find people you feel safe around and for self-care. You aren't responsible for their choices. My duty as I wrote on that other article is finding the best life I can find. If something is not working, it's simply not.
I said to my husband one day as he gave me some idealistic view of politics, "We are old, we can't save this world, many have chosen destruction and death". He gave me kind of a weird look. I then added, "We have to take care of ourselves and find a better and more secure life, for whatever years we got left".
I exited my too long isolation, life is not the same. Everything here kind of sucks. People around here act like zombies. It's scary. My past memories of remembering people laugh and talk, seem so far away. Everyone forgot what life was like in 2019. I was on my Facebook the other day. The few friends act "real", but normal people weird me out. It's bad here in the grocery stores and in public life. Like people don't have emotions anymore.
Everyone seems sick constantly. This beyond the people who write "I have Covid" over and over on their walls. You hear all this bad stuff constantly, people constantly in the hospital, people constantly dying. I ask all the time, "Why aren't they putting the puzzle pieces together?" The truther community keeps claiming the dam is going to break! They think Warp Speed Trump is going to step in and stop the genocide. What a freaking joke. They write things like "The Spars scenario is going to happen, the truth is coming out! People are getting so sick they can't deny it."
I lost hope of it long ago, looking at the people around here and the majority on my Facebook wall, they remain clueless as ever. No one even seems to grieve what life used to be, and they have embraced the "new normal" and now constant illness and death have been embraced and "normalized". They don't even care that teens and kids are having heart attack and strokes. If that didn't wake them up what would? I have nothing in common with these people. Sometimes I feel like they want to stamp out my inner light too.
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