Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Weight Watchers: My Butt

What an awful ad. Well we are in the society that makes everything about the body and it's parts. Notice while a few women are curvier in this ad, they are all thin or normal-weighted? They don't actually use one fat woman. Of course the people they want to sell diets too they all want them "butt-focused" so they will run to go on a diet for having too big of a butt!

"Every butt has a story. It's with you wherever you go and with every decision you make, whether you're walking down the street or heading to an evening party. Weight Watchers provides a plan for the body and a support system for the brain"

This shows the shallowness of our society.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Righteous Anger From Narcissistic Abuse

Our anger has a reason to exist. We don't need the preaching of false forgiveness for the unrepentant wicked. We don't want the anger to destroy us and need to avoid revenge, but our anger has a reason because it is a natural reaction to insanity. Ollie says some interesting things here, like telling ourselves "Get over it". He is right that some of us took abuse for decades. I took it for over 40 years, with the exception of this no contact and the few years of my first no contact. Getting over it in one year isn't always going to happen. He is right about that.

"Your anger now is coming from a place of knowledge of what happened to you and a place of righteousness because you were the victim, and you were the abused. Led to believe through decades of abuse that you were the problem. You have every right to that anger."


"That anger's righteous." 

I was made to feel like I was the problem my whole life, and now I realize I was not. I have been able to forgive myself even knowing that my abuse for my severe medical problems and Aspergers was beyond the pale. That disgusting woman had me even blaming myself for being sick for far too many years. A kind nurse before I went NC, asked me "Why do you blame yourself for being sick?" I know why.

Ollie stresses how the narcissists beat into our heads that everything was our fault and that we were pieces of garbage. He admits even after 5-6 years of NC in his case, he still has to remind himself he isn't the problem. He is right we have to get over the decades of their training.

"The more you find out the more pissed off you get"

That comment made me laugh, because the more I have remembered and more I have assessed what happened to me. I am pissed. I think feeling the anger [making sure to handle it maturely and wisely] is part of the healing process. He is right we can put a name on it and identify it.

"I wasn't the problem, these people were deliberate abusers"

These are the things we have to remind ourselves of, as we work through being ACONs and being NC from our abusers.

Peeps Want to Take Over the World

It will Never Happen

Running Up That Hill

Life feels like I'm running up a hill. LOL

Friday, December 26, 2014

Half a Million Views!

I haven't posted on the stats here in some time. I know the blog is 4 years old but figured HALF A MILLION VIEWS is cause for celebration. I am running at around 18,000 page views per month, so this blog is being read. :)

Thursday, December 25, 2014

A Cool Graphic Novel

While Stuck In a Corner, An Artist Bends Time

Last week, I read this graphic novel from the library, it is fascinating. I don't believe the world is as old as the author does, but was fascinated by the passage of time. Have you ever lived in an old house and wondered who was there before you? I have lived in some old homes before, one built in 1890 and one in 1920, when I moved away from home and rented a room in one and an apartment in another. One can wonder who will be in a place after you are. Our time on this earth is so fleeting.

Here's an early video based on the concept.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

What 2000 Calories Looks Like

What 2,000 Calories Looks Like.

Don't eat out too much if you want to keep calories lower.

At least Subway isn't as bad. You have to eat a lot of salad and vegetables to keep calories down too. I know in my case, I have to be careful with drinkable calories. No Lattes for me. Orange juice I allow when I am sick only.

I consider changing my name too.

Lucky Otter wrote about possibly changing her name. 

I consider it too. I don't like my real world first name which is like a 1970s cheerleader's name and doesn't seem to represent me well. No one ever called me by my name except a few friends, most called me nicknames instead and IRL I go by two different nicknames. In elementary school none of the kids thought my name fit, so called me a derivative of my family's last name.

 I have the option to change my last name to that of my husband's. I didn't when I got married, I was more liberal then but now kind of regret it. The whole world thinks I live in sin, and I get tired of explaining people that we are really legally married. When you have no children, you can appear too much like boyfriend and girlfriend or live togethers even if you have been married for 16 years.

Socially at church I go by his last name. I have to find out my adoption information before deciding what to do with my name. I may leave it alone and just use the nicknames and names I do anyway, but I have considered it too.

  How to Change Your Name

This Happened to Me Once

This is a cute drawing. It shows the trials of those of us who have to wrap our legs, my bandages came undone once going into church and I left a trail behind.

She Owns the Family

I got a Christmas card from my mother.

I opened and read it out of my curiosity but it will be in the trash. I won't respond. I considered a sarcastic response, but then thought better of it. Don't break no contact!

Such odd things written in these cards. This one was your basic blase' Christmas card with a Santa Claus and some elves on it.  I haven't gotten into deep theological discussions with my mother regarding what I believe about Christmas.

She does see the family as a total entity which she 'owns'.


"We hope you and ****** are doing well. We pray each day that you will come back to the family"

The Family

Like I left a cult or the mob behind.


The same family that even when I had been no contact, hadn't seen me in almost 6 years and planned the annual family get-together during a time of year I was totally housebound. The same family that treated me like I was invisible in the room. What is there to go back to?

Nothing really.

It's funny really but that sentence shows her narcissistic sense of self in her being the MATRIARCH of "the family".

When Scapegoats Are Ostracized By An Entire Family

Mini-Me sent her pictures of her trophies [cough] children on a picture Christmas card.

None of the young members of the family are like me, they are all skinny and the most obedient non-rebelling teenagers on the face of the earth. It doesn't look like my luck with them will be any different.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Dating While Fat

In these videos, they show the reaction of single ad daters who show up for their dates expecting far thinner people. When fat and dating online, always be up front about your weight to spare yourself this agony and rejection. When I dated, my size was right in the ad.

You will notice the "fat" man's luck with the women is far greater then the "fat" woman's! He is even able to make future dates. The fat woman, 4 out of 5 of the men disappear.  I have to admit if I was ever single again, I do not see me entering the dating world. The dating world was hellish enough in the high 200s, I wouldn't want to know what it would be like in my present shape. The complexities of dating while facing severe health problems too would be too overwhelming. I think life for fat men can be hard, but dating and relationships are a little easier. There is far more pressure on women to be thin in a general sense. Dating for fat women can be very hard.

Maybe It's The Steroids and Growth Hormones in the Chicken?

The Holidays Are the Worse Time of Year for Some of Us

I loath this time of year. Ok, maybe I am a Scrooge, but it is a time of year where people parade how rich and full their lives are and anyone who is poor or lonely or down and out, it feels like just another smack in the head. If you are poor watching the shop-a-thon hurts. The basic bills are barely being covered nonetheless having money for giant flat screen TVs. Who are those people who can afford a new Lexus as a present with a giant ribbon on top? This week,  I have to make some cards at least while half out of my gourd coughing like crazy and hope I do not cover them in germs!

Hey this is the time of year where for thousands, depression skyrockets, add in a big dose of seasonal affective disorder and life feels like hell on earth. I even prayed to God asking why so many things are going wrong with me, and fearing a horrible painful death as my face swelled to grandiose dimensions. Job like prayers have gone to the Lord, asking why my life has sunk to such a rotten status and feeling like I am disappointing everyone in the world because my energy has sunk to it's lowest levels yet.  Has my narcissistic mother gotten out a Voodoo doll and stuck it full of pins with a giant one meant for my jaw? While I cough my brains out and take 9 antibiotics a day to keep my jaw from rotting away and wondering if I will live, I am sure she is happily shopping and enjoying her life.

The irony that this was a warmer December where I could have gone out a bit, has not escaped me. The frustration makes me want to pound my head on the nearest brick wall. Typhoid Mary came to my self help group and passed out germs from hell, with a self satisfied smile. At least that day after it took her 30 minutes to admit to us, she had no voice, I didn't have to hear about her expensive endless world vacations. How do people even get that rich?

This time of year is so bad for me, that for years I prepared for the swathe of severe depression that overtakes me to avoid being committed to the mental hospital or even worse fates. I have to tell myself to just make it to Jan 2, and then later make to March 1st.  It is like running a Depression marathon. Add in illness, and Ground Hog Day recurring money problems where my husband's freelance employers cut his small amount of work and never heard of Christmas bonuses and well I don't have much to smile about lately.

The holidays are sad to me.  I don't celebrate Christmas religiously but it is all around you. When I used to celebrate it, it was still the saddest time of the year.  How did people get lives that are so rich and full? One shouldn't fall into envy or constant comparisons, but how many feel more depressed because of the expectations all these holiday seasons lay upon us? For ACONs, the holidays can be especially hard especially given the baggage with family. For those of us newer to our no contact status, one can feel cast adrift watching churches and friends travel to spend time with their families.

For years, on the week of the holidays, I spent it bawling my eyes out. It is hard to explain. I know it has to do with the severe abuse, the feeling of being a throw-away person, the years of asking when I would be in the position to give nice presents to others? I also got to watch my mother buy everyone's love and loyalty.  If you have a crappy family of origin, Christmas brings back a flood of memories of ABUSE. You remember the family dinners where everyone ignored you, where you tried so hard to please. You remember the expectations, the eager anticipation, the presents which you gave which your narcissists scoffed at and never seemed good enough. Buying for people who can shop til they drop is not easy. They are not in need of anything. My childhood was spent buying various expensive glass owls for my mother which she collected. An entire month's worth of money delivering newspapers would be dedicated to one of these presents.

I remember the show-off sessions, the week before Christmas at my grandmother's house with cousins, aunts and uncles, as my mother generously lavished at least a couple thousands of dollars worth of presents on her siblings and nieces and nephews. Their love for her cemented in goodies. When my sister had her children, my mother, would load up 20 huge shopping bags full of presents to drive to my sister's house and play Mrs. Santa Claus. I could not match any of this present giving. I made a coloring book for a nephew and niece, and a painting for one but the money simply was not there. It hurt. A lot of years I couldn't afford any presents. I obviously wasn't seeing them very often either. My mother never missed a shopping spree during the holiday season. She never had a year when she went without.

Sadly too my materialistic parents mocked the presents bought by my poorer aunts and uncles. One aunt would buy us those "FUN PAD" books for Christmas. I loved them, but my parents mocked her gift so heavily, I had a hard time enjoying it. When I see those books, I smile, but then have that side memory to go with it.

 The focus on money and social class became even more acute. A lot of mixed emotions go through me remembering the holidays. While I enjoyed some of my presents that came at a cost, it was sad watching Aunt Scapegoat being forced to pass out cheap coloring books and bags of fancy pasta for gifts while her sister never lacking for money was able to hand out TV sets, and expensive clothing and tools to her family members.

When I was a child, my narcissistic parents made a huge deal of Christmas. We did get a mountain of presents. Some would say to me, "how generous!" but these presents came with a cost. These presents served as evidence for both of my otherwise uncaring parents to say, "We were loving parents, look at all these Christmas presents we got you!" It also was show off time for relatives who were poorer and often jealous of us.  If I misbehaved or disagreed with my mother, the presents would be brought up, "how can you treat us this way after everything we have done for you!" Of course for me this continued into adulthood, every time I needed help, and took it, it would be thrown back in my face. If I dared to disagree with her, she would bring up help she had given me to repair my car, years earlier. She never seemed to lack for anything, and for me one of my greatest regrets in my life is that this power dynamic was never changed. As I sink further into poverty, her cackling face haunts me.

So Christmas was weird. My father would get out movie camera and would make us rehearse running down the steps, and seeing our gifts and presents, and would have us repeat such doings until our enthusiasm was pleasing enough for him to record. My golden child sister always got the most presents, some years it was more obvious then others, but she would get at least 5 more gifts then  me and my brother. The tables were never turned. Materialism was celebrated and shopping. The week of the holidays we spent at the mall. Today as an adult who lacks all expendable income, thinking about the amount of money spent on the holidays boggles my mind. My mother would make a lavish expensive dinner too usually with some sort of filet mignon or beef roast, I remember costing around $50.00 alone in the 1980s.

One of my friends told me she fears being alone on Christmas, her relatives are all going to other places.  I told her she could come here, but watching me cough in bed may not be that exciting and I am mostly housebound. She is seriously worried. Trust me I understand. Imagine being at home with the walls closing in, as everyone else shares family dinners and the rest. There are people out there, who don't have families, and or even friends to spend the holidays with. In some people's cases, they may have people to visit but no money to do it.   Imagine being homeless during the holidays. I cannot bear to watch TV with all the greed-fests training the consumers to spend, spend, spend. One cartoon show had the children lamenting not getting their presents.

Even if one has friends, most of them are spending the time with their families. So there are people all alone, and feeling depressed. The happy families on TV , people with presents and Facebook taunt them with their life-long failures.  I can take refuge at least in my husband's arms but we both feel sad this time of year. This is the time of year, where I go look at pictures of me in the Spring, to convince myself not to give up. The flowers will come again. The whole mess will be over soon! Don't give up.

Christmas and the holiday season can feel like hell for the ACON. If you are no contact, there can be some pain there. You have gotten away from your abusers, but this often means all the side relatives have teamed up with them instead of you. The invitations fall away, your name gets crossed off holiday card lists. All the expectations fall flat. Some can escape into serving others, I recommend serving at the soup kitchen if you are alone on the holidays, while others face other types of pain. I just want the whole mess to be over with.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Super Star: The Karen Carpenter Story

I saw this movie back in the 90s, and was fascinated with it. I always liked The Carpenter's music quite a bit. Of course this being a blog about a 500lb woman, the anorexia world is an inverse and a price the other side pays for the lies and pressures about weight given to women. So many young women and celebrities fall prey to bulimia and anorexia. In this society, you can see why this happens given the abuse for every extra 10 pounds.

Eating disorders are rampant. Karen's use of Ex-lax is nothing I am a stranger to. One of my female relatives swore by them and her bedroom was full of the pink packages of one famous brand. She would shove them into the trash hiding them. Sometimes I think my sister who got very thin by her late 30s developed a late life anorexia, perhaps to avoid my shame with the family? It makes me wonder. The thinner she got the more the family laid on accolades. Anorexia can strike later in life. I still remember the sickness of my grandmother dying of pancreatic cancer losing some weight and people praising this, "She looks so good!"

One thing said about anorexia, is that many of the young women who fall to it's pressures, are brought up in controlling households, where pressure for perfection is never ending. I do not know if the movie portrays the life with the Carpenter's realistically, perhaps it does, but this is a known facet of anorexia. Often these are not the women who are "rebels" but who seek to please parents and authority figures with their "perfect bodies". Imagine being in the public eye too.  It does not surprise me one rude comment sends Karen off into anorexia, as she fears appearing "too chubby" and failing her family and public. I wonder if the parents really did keep them living at home into adulthood?

The scene where Karen collapses on stage and she is in the hospital bed and her family is there telling her "no more dieting", "no more laxatives" and "We will all be together again" with the scary music, shows Karen feeling engulfed by her family.

She had a beautiful voice, but sadly she suffered so.


Here is my latest illness. They diagnosed me Thursday morning at the hospital as my face on the right side grew to grandiose proportions. When things swell up, that are not supposed to swell up, life is not happy.

I am on strong antibiotics and got bronchitis too, from the cold and flu from hell. Typhoid Mary at my self-help meeting does not know the hell she unleashed on my life.  I've had problems with thrush too due to the use of a COPD inhaler and don't know if this added to it. I have to constantly brush my teeth multiple times everyday. My mouth has been horribly dry and my eyes too for months complicating this whole mess. I wonder if I have Sjorgen's as my eyes feel like dry golf balls.  Don't I have enough wrong with me?

 My wisdom teeth are impacted but do not seem to be infected but hope those aren't adding to this as well. Sometimes lately I am asking why are so many bad things happening to me? My friends tell me I have been under too much stress and it's true. I'm kind of scared, I'm getting sick so much. As I get older, I know I am worn out.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

My DIY art shows

The above is one of my favorite paintings.

I am kind of considered an "outsider artist". Social class can do this when you lack money for good framing and 80-100 dollar art fees, so years ago, I wanted to work outside the typical art system, which lack of money prevented me from entering. I don't think my art work was bad, just that I lacked the connections and cash. There is also another thing that influences this, I just do not fit in the art world very well. One friend told me, you seem to paint and draw in a multitude of styles. Maybe this an Aspie thing. I know artists need a certain "look" . DIY equals DO IT YOURSELF.

 One person warned me when I came in with my art work and 500lb plus body that there could be some discrimination happening there too. So my main endeavor is to work outside the system. With the comic I am working on even, it probably will be a self published pin money affair, but I am having fun with it.

Years ago I had a DIY art show in my poorer rural town. I priced the art works at a normal levels where working class people could afford them instead of that hugely expensive art world prices. I sold 8 pieces of my work. Later we would move to our more affluent town and I had a smaller DIY art show with a couple new paintings. I would sell two works from that one.

Here are some pictures from those art shows. [sorry the quality isn't the best, I had a cheap camera back then during those years]

I sold the drawing of the three women in pink and yellow, the crab painting I think I gave to a friend, those birds are hanging in my hallway right now. The painting that is green with birds, I sold or gave to someone.

In the future, I would like to have another DIY art show though my attention is more on the comic now, and try my hand at some craft shows. I would like to make a fat themed art show one day which may be kind of an odd idea. One new thing I am into of course is photography.

 This one sold at the earlier art show. Funny it was a quick sketch cartoon kind of thing when I was just playing around.
This is a multi-media college.

I do have a bunch of art work, filling up some bins, I did sell off or give away a lot of art over the years.

I still work on the graphic novel. There are 80 panels so far.. I am way too slow at this, with my body needs seeming to take over my life a lot of times but the other day I was even looking up little pigs to draw a pig farm for a panel dealing with Aunt Confused. I finished a panel about being an Aspie. There will be no other comic like this in the world. I'm doing it for fun, don't know what will come of it yet, but am enjoying it.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

How to Hug A Vampire! No Way!

Many false churches today tell Christians to enable wicked people and "hug" them. I was told to forgive and reconcile by therapists and ministers with my mother during my first no contact and I gave in and went back for more abuse. I am an old school Christian that believes my Bible when it talks about seared people. Most malignant narcissists and sociopaths, spiritually fit the definition of seared. They are wicked.

Namby pamby hugs aren't going to make someone without a conscience suddenly get one. Here one is opening themselves to the wicked. False watered down Joel Osteen inspired churches aren't telling their congregants about how evil operates. They are telling ear tickling lies from the pulpit.

 There is a difference between an ordinary sinner and someone who has chosen evil over and over for decades and handed themselves over to wickedness, with a darkened mind and conscience. When I first became a Christian, being a babe in Christ and unseasoned, I ran to "forgive" my mother and let bygones and opened the door wide for vulnerability and more abuse. I was trying to love a snake. This was not God's will, I just didn't know any better. There was even one time when I decided to be loving and hug her. That was a strange day, it was like hugging a board! She was more annoyed then anything. She never hugged me as a child not even to fake for others.

 For me, my faith life ran the no contact bus. God was convicting me to walk away, the bible commandments to depart from the wicked were first in my mind. In my case, my family hates that I am a Christian, to the point I was ordered not to talk of anything religious or of God in my mother's house. Now lest you think I was banging my bible at their house, I did not, I witnessed once or twice and then was in peace but they were so adverse to my faith, that my mother's weird written rules in an email "Don't talk about God' at our family holiday gathering was beyond the pale. I wasn't going to commit idolatry and forsake God to please narcs.

I had to start facing the truth, that my mother and family was evil. Every man sins and I had plenty of my own faults to contend with and sins to repent of. I am even struggling now with anger and envy because life seems to have entered a Job like state with constant illness and problems. However to be a Christian and sitting even in the same room with my family, I felt darkness, it got to be a worse and worse problem. My trained brain, would be telling me to "Calm down", but discernment inside was screaming, "Get away!". I literally started having more physical problems being in their company, where I would get sick. It is even hard to explain how I felt a dark cloud of blackness even around Aunt Scapegoat, who actively and verbally rejected and hated God, and saw true evil and darkness in my mother's eyes, as she told me that she wished Aunt Scapegoat didn't have the surgery to save her life. Even my sister gave me the willies while talking to her on a private message. I couldn't ignore these things. God was convicting me to get away and telling me I could not sell my soul for a would be inheritance.

There can be more mild unseared narcs, where there is a chance for redemption, but for the worse cases, the ones who have turned to the dark side fully, it is a different ballgame. I'm dealt with the worse ones. There was never any remorse, and never any kind feelings. I wrote that my parents were evil in my diaries by my teens. Be careful here, the world will tell people to give narcissists a million chances. I dreamed of the day my mother would apologize or show remorse or the day I could break through. I imagined her being a person she really was not, trying to reach out to a good core, that really did not exist. When it comes to the vampires, sometimes our imaginations will tell us, oh the vampire is really cuddly, the vampire is really not a vampire but this is a time someone needs to get real and face what they are dealing with.  I even prayed to get through to my mother for a decade as I tried to reach out to her only to be hurt time and time again.

The fallen away churches will give a place to the wicked. Cowardly flying monkeys and wimps all step aside for the evil but some are so bad, as smakingtosh shows here, they are literally teaching their members to hug the vampires. In that kind of environment, the wicked will be given permission to abuse. The vampires will rule, and being given a place to hurt others.  I'm done hugging vampires and the lizards.

1Ti 4:2    Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;
Mat 7:6    Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

More Cards

These were my fall theme cards. I am starting the holiday ones this week.

Portlandia: Doctor, Nutritionist, Herbalist

Yeah I can....

This is the kind of claptrap you see on Facebook memes all the time. Yes you can hate bad experiences. This is the fuzzy wuzzy, navel gazing, New Age, positive thinking garbage taken to the extreme. You wonder if someone who believes this actually had any bad experiences. My lungs feel like they are going to crawl out of my body, the suffering quotient of my life is so high, I feel like I will go insane. The marshmallow mystics make me nauseous.


Thursday, December 11, 2014

For Better or For Worse

Today I am fighting a cold--I think I am winning but my husband is very sick and has been in bed for two days.  I am afraid he could end up in the hospital. Hopefully he is getting better, he seems to be sleeping restfully and has been in bed since 7pm last night. Last night, I asked him, "Are you short of breathe"? wondering if he got pneumonia and ready to call the ambulance but he said, "No". By the way, he has absolutely no health insurance and has needed vein surgery for 6 years. We paid cash for him to see a vein doctor who told him he needs a surgery that costs 3,000 dollars upfront. We will never have it.  We have a free clinic here at least in the ghetto we live near by. Can we have a little less suffering in this household for once? What's it going to take?

If luck was doled out in equal measures in this life, both me and him would be due to win the Powerball Lotto tomorrow to make up for all the rest. Every month seems to bring a PROBLEM with a capital P. Some pundits would tell me, "Peep that is just life!" but come on, we need a bit more balance around these parts.  I wish I could help my husband more. You think I like seeing someone suffer so much I care about?

A pox on all the upper middle class and above houses of his bosses that threw him away including the jerk here, who decided to throw us both into the welfare class instead of letting him be a $40,000 a year copy ad writer. That man destroyed us both.  Ah bitterness. Yeah it can eat you up. Remember while my husband has his challenges like every person, just 12 years ago, he had published a book, he had articles in some national magazines on a specific topic, he had what were considered "career jobs" even if lower paying in newspapers. With the anger,  I try to bury it under some bible-reading and prayer, but when I see how sick he is, and remember how he used to be, how can I help it? So many out there get destroying people and tossing them to the curb. It doesn't matter if you work hard. They get their jollies off taking a hammer to the little guy's head.

Two job lay-offs, one by a narc and one when he was an assistant newspaper editor with a supportive boss where the company--a newspaper was having economic failure and then THAT GUY. Three slams in a row, and his career never recovered. I imagine yuppies as evil sharks. They don't give a damn about anyone and certainly not about a man with a seriously disabled wife. One little difference, one little ounce of non-conformity and they toss you out the door to rot. A class division is being formed in America where you see the elite thin professionals with their high tech know-how and bean counter lack of emotions and then everyone else who doesn't "fit".

Right now I am fighting his illness too that gave me an asthma attack last night where I dreamed that I woke up in my own bedroom with the temperature spiraling down to 5 below, and filling with snow and being unable to breathe. Panic ensued but I had my inhalers. Right now my lungs feel okay, but the illness he has seems to have dive-bombed direct to his lungs and it tried it with mine. I already have thrush right now too.  I feel like I am shutting it away through sheer force of will right at this point.

I wonder if my husband took sick, because in one day, he had the court judge against his car accident case, even with a picture that basically PROVES, that the guy who hit our car, scrapped along the wheel well and along the car side before hitting the door that was only open 1 or 2 inches. The judge didn't care, and said, "I always go with what the police decide". Sorry but to me that is one lazy and poor judge.  I was housebound that day and waiting for the doctor, I wish I had been able to go.

The picture was so obvious, we were sure he would win the case. Well guess again, the justice system in America always favors the richer guy. At least in this case, we were fully insured, but I wonder if we have to pay his court fees. This scum bucket waited two days before Thanksgiving and two years to serve us and well it paid off for a suburban guy who lives in a middle class suburb. I am sure he will have plenty of money for the holidays, while we worry about groceries in the house.

You know it's hard. One wants more meaning in their life besides suffering constantly. I asked my husband if he wanted a break from me and the survival slog just to keep a roof over our head and all the care-taking.  I said, this would be a rest, not a divorce because I loved him. He has a sister he could go live with though my options without a family are far fewer. He said he did not want to leave me.  Hey I don't want him to leave me either I am just worried about him.

I had my own ideas that I did not want to end up in the group home or a nursing home. Why is survival so hard for us? What is wrong with us? He is having health problems and losing functionality. We are both scared.  Feeling like the world wants to kick us in the face constantly adds to the fear and angst levels. A loud knock on the door for us means a server instead of an unexpected visit from a smiling neighbor.

 If you love someone you do not want them to suffer feeling this way along with you. My husband married me when I was already disabled, so in this case, he knew of the future childlessness and disabilities. These were not sprung on him though when I was younger we thought my health would improve more.

When my husbands career cracked up, our relationship was under extreme pressure. I wanted to go back to my old community at the time. I worried I was bringing him down with my medical needs. I was upset to be taken back and retriggered to my severe poverty I had in Chicago. We had weird discussions, where once I joked, "Maybe we should not stay married and should each find a functional partner that knows how to survive in this world, and who has money". He has two friends with wealthy girlfriends who go on vacations and don't have to worry about money though one has to do caretaking like him. There is an old song, or saying, "When poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window". It definitely has been a test on this relationship.

When we met each other we fell in love very quickly. I still love him, but lately I do worry. Disabilities are not easy on any marriage. Constant money problems aren't either. You also have the issue of an Aspie and another would be Aspie, where sometimes it seems we will be crushed by some smiling neurotypicals who tell us to be positive and give us a long laundry list of how we don't measure up in the world and are responsible for our own suffering. Sadly in this "positive thinking" world one gets that false positive tyranny spiel. It only hurts people. He hasn't given up, he works on another book deal, does freelance, but the struggle is never ending. His health is to the point that getting a menial job when he can't stand more then 20 minutes from DVT, is just not going to work. He is still in the newspaper field with his articles and name in our local papers though more indirectly via stringer work, but I will say this, he deserved a lot better then how they treated him.

I am old school when it comes to marriage. This is one reason we are still together. My religious beliefs are to avoid divorce. Yes I understand sometimes people do end divorced often through no fault of their own. We are friends and can laugh together. We can have great fun together when our spirit is light and it is a good day.  He knows more me more then any other person. However I have been sad this year watching what he has gone through. It has made me cry these last few years. I want things to change for the better for us. He has helped keep me going and I believe I am still alive because of him. I just wish the world would take a break from trying to crush us. I want us to have some new happy memories.

Monday, December 8, 2014

BabyBoomers Don't Care if Generations Under Them Are Poor

They didn't retire for Generation X either.

Of course the economy is arranged by the global elites, I don't blame the generations for everything, they set this mess up. If our families were still cohesive units instead of broken up pieces competing with each other, life would be different too.

Millennials aren't making any money.

As I wrote before they can't afford the milk crates and apartments on the bad side of town, they are living at home even longer. How many weren't even prepared for this like me? Things are bad enough for Generation X, but even worse for the millennials. Sure some conservatives rant about a godless nation when it comes to some cultural battles, but right here, you see the destruction of wickedness and the pain it will bring.

Many Baby boomers [generalizing here] don't realize lives are being absolutely ruined. When you have no money, you can't build a family, a house or a community. My clueless narcissistic parents judged me for the lack of good paying jobs even when I worked 60-70 hours a week.

This bodes very poorly for our future in America.

I still remember an 80 year old friend telling me how a neighborhood was going to pot, in my old rural town. She told me the young people are all renters, too many of them do drugs, they don't keep their yards nice. I told her, "This is because they don't have the same money and jobs to build a decent life." Too many of the hopeless turn to drugs. The ghettos just won't be the inner cities one day.

Aspie Woman in the Confusing Social World!

My nephew didn't respond. I suppose I should not be surprised. I made him a card and send him a nice letter. I said, "Please send me a short email, I just want to say hello!" Well, that is the last card I'm making him. I tried my best. No more empty wells. Why bother? No more getting hurt on my end. My life seems to be a replaying movie of these people with their hand's held up. Talk to the hand! they all say.

 I keep thinking of episode in a Peanuts movie where Snoopy is trying to visit Lula in the hospital and there is a big "No Dogs Allowed" sign on the front, yes the emotion is kind of like that.  Maybe my letter to him was written all wrong. I wrote it carefully, didn't write anything bad about any of the narcs so he shouldn't have been scared to respond but I am done.

This feeling invisible thing isn't any fun. It's depressing. It hurts. Depression licks at the edge of all this rejection even if my intellectual mind knows now what the narcissists did to me.

Sometimes I just do not understand how people's minds work. Of course in this case, narcissists were in the mix actively seeking to destroy the relationship. My Aspergers paved the way for the narcissists to take over easier. I lacked the social finesse to do battle.  I was a person at war without a sword. Aspergers vs. cunning narcs who have mastered the game of screwing people over, whose going to lose in the social world? Me.

The constant rejection hurts and is disappointing though. One reason I think for my life long struggle with depression is the abuse I had but also the social rejection. It does make me sad thinking of the rejection I faced. Some people like this nephew, I honestly loved too, only to be kicked the curb.  When I face what happened with my family, I realized I was rejected very early on. It makes me wonder if your child is so awful, why not hand them back to their real birth family--if I am adopted? Why didn't they let me stay with the Aunt that Loved me when I asked? If I was so awful why put us all through the torture?

My brother told me, last year there was a big blow-out in the family because when I had been sent to stay with her for those months,  I did not want to come home and asked to live with her! He told me, "Mom was pissed!" I was 6 years old. This may be when my mother really turned against me permanently. Of course if you treat your own child like crap, what do you expect? Maybe I just wanted to have some love, that was not too much to ask! Why did she take me back only to hate and abuse me more? Of course in this blog I have already written about the medical neglect regarding my Aspergers.

The other day, I told a friend, socially I am worn out! I have my close friends who I love dearly and enjoy visiting, one on one, I have very near and dear friends. They do not realize how they keep me going and bring so much happiness to life. However trying to go to groups, or parties or making new local friends I am weary.

 My Aspergers does impact me severely socially.  I and my husband outside of my close local and long distant friends and church are very socially isolated.  My husband has a couple old college friends but his Asperger traits too have impacted his life. The holidays are weird watching the neurotypicals bounce around their active party lives and long lists of friends and relatives. How do they manage all this? Their lives are so different from my own.  It comes so easily to them. This is a hard time of year for the poor, the lonely and the Aspie.  As I grew older, I had to accept things were different for me. I had the years where I tried very hard to get a "normal social life", all I got was worn out.

While I need my time alone and do not find solitude frightening....

I had years in my life where I had no friends, and no one. This can happen to Aspies. It happened to me in the early 90s, when all my college friends moved away. This was during my first no contact too.  Being in the hospital and having absolutely no one to call is frightening. Human beings are social creatures, it is scary to be in a world where you have no allies. I had phone contact with two friends and that was it back then. Living in a world with no support, is scary, I've already been there. Things kind of deteriorated for me then being low on money and living a life with pieced together jobs. I wouldn't eat at normal times and would stay awake until I passed out from exhaustion.

 I would thankfully meet my husband at the age of 25, but there were times in my early 20s where I had absolutely no one. Some would say did you learn self-reliance? No in my case, I was petrified every minute. I have told my husband I never want to live alone again, if anything happens to you. I didn't do well sitting at home with the empty walls. This is the kind of loneliness that can haunt you, the spectre is in my mind. This is to be avoided.

However the social world seems so hard.....

I told one friend, I just do not want to have to work so hard at other social things anymore. It's too tough. While I do book clubs and other events out of intellectual interests,in groups, I do very badly. In my case, the hearing impairment makes things very tough but try being superfat which is full of social landmines and an Aspie on top of it, that adds up to a triple whammy. A lot of people's voices I can't hear. I realized at my stamp club where at least half are over 70, I had a very difficult time hearing their voices, this is one reason I have not gotten to know many people in the group. The hobby keeps me coming but the social benefits are low in that particular club.

 For us Aspies, it can get very hard,  many social things outside our close individual friends can end up at a dead end for us. The rejection takes a toll on one's heart and mind. How am I to feel even as an Aspie realized I got the rejection of an entire family? It hurts. While I have good friends, there are the people who went poof too, and sometimes I never understood why or how it happened.  Some neurotypicals seem to view friendship differently then Aspies. I figured out life for them is a revolving carousel while an Aspie seeks stability and loyalty to friends.

 I believe many Aspies just give up and shut down, which is why too many people with Aspergers have gotten the reputation for being antisocial and not interested in friendship. This may apply to a few who are more severe on the spectrum but most people with Aspergers especially female Aspies, want friends!

Social cues are hard for Aspies and well in groups, it's hard to process all of what is happening. Many times I will be sitting in a group and someone will make a joke and everyone will be laughing and I have no idea what is going on or what is so funny. I trained myself long ago as a child to fake laughing when a group laughed because things get too weird if you sit there with a straight face and refuse to laugh at anyone's jokes.

 Hey some of the jokes I do get and are funny but too many of them I do not. A lot of jokes within groups are "in jokes" and I'm not always in on the information. I have this thing too where while everyone's conversation flows, often I end up interrupting without meaning to. I had to give up years ago and just decide interrupt or else I'd be sitting there without saying a word, so I probably appear to be a ruder person to some.  With the hearing loss, even with my hearing aid, I can miss words. Social events can be like trying to unlock a puzzle and in my case, I get the pieces wrong.

I often do say the wrong things to people. There are so many social rules to process. I never try to hurt anyone's feelings but one thing I have realized in the neurotypical world there is so much they consider offensive I do not consider offensive. I am not politically correct. I am too blunt.  I like an occasional debate that a neurotypical may interpret as a full blown argument. A lot of my life, is chipping away the sharp edges or at least trying to hide a few so I get along with people.  All the self censorship can get tiring. I have to weed out talking about my intense interests too much, and or over intellectualizing. I have to keep controversial topics at bay, that come up to my mind too often. My good friends enjoy this part of my personality.

 Most Neurotypicals also enjoy light banter and small talk, where to an Aspie these things are as dull as mud. Aspies often like to dive deep, but one thing I've learned over the years is only go deep with close friends, you will piss off a lot of neurotypicals talking about too much intense stuff. Some well meaning church and older women in my old town when I was younger, would write me cards, maybe giving me that subtle hint, to cool it a bit. "You're such a challenging thinker"! LOL

I have asked myself too, if Aspergers is the reason my family hated me too. Hey one should always examine all sides but then meeting lot of other Aspies where their families and parents loved them, I realized long ago I wasn't the main problem before narcissism was discovered. This sucks, shouldn't even a disabled person or someone with challenges be included in a family? There are children with other disorders like Down's where their parents loved them. My family was more the anti-Aspergers family. They hated books, praised appearances and social skills, everything Aspies failed at, so I became nothing but a failure to them even before I got really fat. I have seen and known some happy Aspies, in families that offered a lot of intellectual stimulus and love despite their differences. There the parent loves their child and wants the best for them.

One thing Aspies do have empathy, it is just harder for us to show. If anything we feel overwhelmed by the emotions of others. We may not show nurturance in the way we should always. I know one time when I feel overwhelmed is someone starts crying in a group, I am not sure what to say. I offer too much advice almost like a man, wanting to "solve the problem" when I should be saying, "Oh I am so sorry" and just being there. This is one social error, I have to be careful of. Inside I am often thinking "Oh my God!" and trying not to cry or make a fool of myself and wanting to help the person. I worry about people the same way and have concern for them. I am just as connected to others too. It's the matter of showing these things that can get complicated. I have no problem telling a close friend or my husband how I feel about them, but for some Aspies even sharing this in close relationships may be difficult.

Aspies have emotions, my husband says I cry at the drop of a hat. I had to learn to hide it though because blubbering during class, when I was still teaching wasn't going to work. Our affect can come across differently to neurotypicals who may be confused by our emotions. They do not understand why we are always so anxious or nervous, and some may feel angry at us for not "getting it together". We may come across as cold and detached when our nerves are making us shut down.

For the Aspies with higher IQs, this actually may cause us some problems as people's expectations of us do not match what we can actually do. Higher IQ in an Aspie does not always mean higher social functioning. Some of us, and one therapist told me I did this, learn to do what is called "cloaking". "Cloaking" is when an Aspie pretends to be neurotypical, it goes beyond shaving off annoying parts of your personality to having to hide almost the whole thing. I don't know if I was any good at cloaking but I know when I used to have jobs, I had to hide who I was to stay employed or else end up in the street.

My last job as the residential counselor took a massive toll because it was a very non-Aspie friendly environment. I do blame some of the break-down of my health on the acting job I had to do at work. Bosses would get mad at me though, one yelled at me during one week, that I lacked presence and seemed checked out. While teaching, I could be a bit Aspie at because the obsessive interest in art and art therapy could float that boat, though classroom discipline was always my biggest challenge.

We can be years behind too. I am not like most late 40 year olds, and have enough introspection to know that my life is nowhere near the normal late 40 year old woman who has had a career, and has grandchildren and financial stability.  I don't want to use the word immature, but we are behind and it shows! They do not realize that the way our brain works is the world is overwhelming to us, there is constant input bombarding us.  I know that I missed many adult developmental milestones. This isn't one thing explored much in Aspie literature which focuses on children and teens but I wish someone would write about older Aspies and how this plays out over the decades. In some ways, I live like a 20 something and in other ways like an 80 year old.

One thing that happens to me, is my mind is always active, that it gets tired. My occupational therapist of last year discovered my multiple sensory issues and how I get "lost in the details" of any task. These are things that have strongly impacted my life and functioning more severely then many things. Getting anything done even outside the big body and it's issues takes me forever. I can read a book in a day but it takes me an hour to get some dishes done. A lot of people out there, may not have patience with a middle-aged woman who gets confused so often and overwhelmed by minor tasks. I wrote about executive functioning already on this blog too and how that is a biggie for me.

Even at this advanced age, I have to remain cognizant of social skills matters but with the health it is harder to keep things going. Maybe I will be one of those purple hat wearing old woman that says what she wants and drives the room crazy. There is part of me who doesn't want to censor anymore and wants to let the "real me" hang out Aspie or not.

I did come out of the closet as an Aspie last year. On a social website, I do admit I have Aspergers openly to all friends. Some folks from high school said it explained a lot. Having doctors know about my Aspergers improved my medical care. Most of my friends know too. It has helped them understand me.

The social world for an Aspie is very different. It can be a confusing maze. I'm still trying to make sense of it even now.

My Body is Driving Me Mad

My body is driving me mad. The picture above is yesterday's lunch. The way this body operates I may as well have eaten a slab of ribs, some real cheese macaroni and cheese, a gallon of ice cream, and some onion rings with a pound of butter.

I have had high blood sugars the last two days, I do not know why. They ranged from around 165-178 fasting. This kind of sucks. I did eat some pasta the kind with vegetables in it but didn't go nuts with it.  However I ate salad for dinner at least twice last week, home cooked veggie soups, endless bags of frozen vegetables, chicken and veggie burgers. The only "bad" thing I ate in a two week period, was two chocolate squares, 70 calories each, one on two different days. Hey I'm not perfect. Of course I get to watch the skinny people with normal non-freakish bodies go to town on cookie trades, parties and holiday feasts. They don't feel like the world is ending to eat a piece of chocolate and like they are a piece of crap.

No one talks about how one simple fact of life is destroyed for fat people, being able to enjoy food and social events with food without accompanying guilt, fear, shame, and stress. If I go to town, even eating one greasy thing, I will get some kidney stones. Even when I eat Chinese food I have to keep it in small portions. I was supposed to go to a church party for women, and well the weather was iffy, it turned out too cold for me to go, but I got ready. You were supposed to make a dozen cookies for a cookie exchange. I debated and debated but then thought no 500lb [or 530 and something woman] has any business making cookies and eating a bunch of them so I didn't make any. There was the money angle too, I thought with all the nuts, cookie sheet--hey I do not bake, butter, sugars, flour, etc, it would cost too much. Then I felt angry and jealous breaking at least one commandment dealing with covetousness that all these thin women could enjoy cookies, and not have to live their lives under a cloud like this. Part of me was relieved it was too cold to go. Being super-fat messes up some weird details of life.

 Diabetes gives me fits, and it's like the middle finger disease. Ha Ha! it says like fat Nelson on Simpsons, you get what you deserve. I can barely emotionally cope with taking my blood sugars because every one of them seems like a ramification against me.  I almost have a blood sugar phobia going where I don't want to ruin a day by taking one and then worrying about it. I am fighting off some cold related illness that seems to tickle at the edge of my throat. Maybe my latest bout of thrush is causing the sugars to go higher, or maybe the diabetes is causing the thrush. I'm not sure. Every new diabetes drugs seems to rip out one's kidneys and I have to talk to doctor about what to do. One's own failures to lose weight, lipedema notwithstanding can be madness making.

I sometimes wish it didn't take so much work to keep the thing going. I feel betrayed by it constantly. I know "love your body" campaigns leave me cold. I'm kind of pissed at mine.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Joan Crawford: Training for Narcissism?

I have an odd fascination with Joan Crawford ever since I read the book Mommie Dearest since it replicated so much of my life except of course Christine lived in far wealthier and famous household. The above picture is Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford. One wonders if the obsession with dirt in a narcissist comes about from the "dirty insides" to create a clean image. This is why Joan Crawford went nuts about the house being perfectly clean.

I'm a fan of TCM [Turner Classic Movies] and one thing I have noted is how there are two mega-narcissist women in old movies. One is Bette Davis, and the second one is Joan Crawford.

What scares me about Joan Crawford is in watching some of the movies, you can see that Joan Crawford has used some of her background and incorporated it into her acting, this is one reason I believe "Mildred Pierce" became such a famous film. She was literally playing herself as she played the hard driving single mother, who sacrificed all for her career and spoiled a golden child narcissist daughter who near the end of the movie shows herself to not only be a materialist but murderer. The daughter isn't the only narcissist, her mother as an ice queen has trained her well but maybe too well. She is a girl raised with no sense of morality or goodness. The two even compete with each other with the cruel daughter first stealing her husband and then killing him.

In that movie at least one of the villains get's caught but I was watching this movie, on TCM the other day, called Susan and God with Joan Crawford running around with a early form of a New-Age cult, her fellow cult members sing songs about a "new earth", and "Susan" runs about doing speeches for attention while ignoring a shy daughter who wears glasses. She is estranged or divorced from her husband but the wealthy family along with hanger-ons and other relatives are all spending a summer at one of their country homes. The daughter has asked for the family to have the summer together. The estranged husband is an alcoholic. In this movie, they have Susan repent of ignoring her daughter and family and she takes another look at how her meddling and bossy ways have hurt her friends, but I found myself finding this movie unbelievable because the character is so narcissistic and self absorbed, she is far from a mild narcissistic who may have the ability for introspection and true apologies. But then I thought if Joan Crawford the person was truly a narcissist maybe it was her personality having me judge this role in the way that I did.

One disturbing part of this movie, and we know Hollywood had some unwholesome themes, was the change the daughter makes to be more popular with the boys which works, tossing her glasses away, and dressing more "sexy".  Susan influences her to be coy, to lie and be competitive and actually more narcissistic to "win" the boy's affections.  Watching this movie the plot had all the narcissistic women win the men, not the "nice girls" and that kind of disturbed me. Was this some kind of early training for narcissism? It bothered me because you think about the growing narcissism in society and well, when did it start on a historical basis?

In the generations before, ladylikeness was a big thing, so by the 1940s, some of those social mores were being changed, so why were these hard cold women so celebrated? Of course this could have come in earlier with the so called femme fatales. They have always existed in literature but these themes grew stronger as the twentieth century proceeded. It wasn't the woman of character winning the day all the time anymore. In these movies, the seductive, backstabbing, crafty woman always won the man and came out on top. Sweetness and honesty was for losers, and the nerd girl with glasses such as the daughter above left in the back of the room. This was an early celebration of narcissism. You can see it in these old movies. It seems to worsen especially in the 1940s.

While the 1950s brings back some family themes and suburban life, these type of roles still exist almost with Elizabeth Taylor later seeming to take on the roles that Joan Crawford held with a different flavor. Think "Giant", and "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".

I never have seen Joan Crawford interviewed, I was still very young during the last days of her life and decided to see how she came across in person. This video screams narcissist, to me with the extreme pink turban, dress and heavy diamonds. She doesn't disappoint.

I think one reason Joan Crawford did so well as an actress in some of these movies,  she was LITERALLY playing herself.  "I'm a compulsive housekeeper" [1:11] is one thing she says that made me laugh.  She states that Mildred Pierce was her favorite role. "A star is someone who can.....KEEP AN IMAGE" is one telling comment she makes in the above video.

Joan Crawford's has her defenders including two children, who defend her and say that Christina, her daughter who wrote Mommie Dearest was lying. We ACONs know exactly how two children can claim they had an entirely different mother then the one who was scapegoated. Narcissists can treat one child as sweet a pie while continuing to abuse another.

I have been thinking about how narcissism is promoted in our society, and may write more articles about this. How being a person who is two-faced, and is focused on image is so advanced. It began earlier then we think. The celebration of narcissism began in our old movies.

My Fridge 3 weeks ago


Bad foods? Mayonaise and lunch meat but I just can't go totally meatless. There's the chicken too. I ate all that lettuce, and bok choy and most of the lemons. The purple cabbage, there's two of them in there was cut up into salads.  The rice vinegar I ran out of too. The bag of rice is in there to save space. It's probably not a good thing I hate brown rice.  The only cheese I can eat is "Go Veggie", that can of it lasts for a time too. I eat a ton of peppers and that white thing under the lunch meat is plain Greek yogurt. I buy and eat a lot of vegetables. There are more vegetables in the bins. I love Tabasco and put it in everything, not too much just to help the flavor, that reminds me I need to get more.

The diet needs more tweaking. The cooking wears me out. Last week, I did have a food insecure week,--there was some left over turkey that got us through and the food quality goes down unless it's summer and the veggie stands are open. It drives me nuts. I don't feel as good during those weeks because surely the nutritional levels are far lower.

Yesterday we went grocery shopping and I bought a bunch of produce on sale, which included peppers, tangerines, three heads of lettuce, tomatoes, mint, parsley, more parsnips, green onions and onions. I included frozen Dr. Praeger veggie patties too. These are great because there is no egg in them.  I try my best eating but there area always more changes needed. The money angle of it all frustrates me, the quality food is so hard to maintain. Today I plan to make cabbage and parsnip soup for lunch with a turkey sandwich on multi-grain bread. Sometimes I feel like a chef trying to maintain decent food in here.

Diet: The Disease of a Generation

We are all getting sick from "food that isn't food". I agree with this guy on that.

 I believe if one can exercise and try some of these things go for it. Get as fit as you can. Don't let the modern life of bad food kill you off faster then it should.

My body isn't operating normally like his but I force myself to take walks and do other things. Sometimes I think my health would improve if I could get something better done about my fatigue. It is not normal to feel like you could fall asleep every minute of the day and I wonder how much of this has to do with me needing 500 mcg of Synthroid a day. It has worsened too.  They tell me my thyroid levels have returned to normal on it. My sleep apnea is okay, I do oxygen tests on the CPAP all the time which are good but there is something strange to me about needing that much Synthroid. Lately I am always sleepy. I can sleep easily 10-11 hours a night just getting up for the bathroom. I am not low on oxygen, my visit at home doctors check that with a finger meter. What is doing this? I feel like I am moving under water. I need this gone so I do not gain weight. My energy levels have always been low. Speed is not an option as I do not want to see the inside of a jail house, or have my heart explode, but this fatigue has me worried. They gave me a vitamin B shot too. Maybe it's winter, who knows. Depression? We have been low on money. I have been lamenting to husband that we are so overdue for a vacation and fun it's not funny. Where is my energy?

I have my own beliefs that many are tired from the pace of this modern world and it's expectations. The stress is bringing down our health too. I am not adverse to nutritionists and exercise mavens which may surprise some, unlike some size acceptance folks, I do not see them all as the enemy. 

I just hope folks like him realize some of us don't have as much to work with and tried our best to stay alive.  I think of a better life with great food, a body feeling the exuberance of exercise, but just getting out of bed feels like a project to me. I am trying my best.  

The Adoption Saga

                                         [picture source]

Read this article in context:

Am I Adopted?

Open adoption is the best. Sadly I was not born in an open adoption state. The one I live in now I could just call up the court and get whatever information I want since I am over 18. Sadly this is not where I was born, and I am stuck with a place where a court petition is required to unseal adoption records.

After some weeks, I figured out the right court, and place to call. No one will tell me even if I AM adopted or not and I have to pay 80 bucks, and fill out the forms. I talked to the senior court clerk yesterday who told me, they can't even tell me if my birth certificate is amended and I have to do the paperwork for the petition to unseal adoption records to find out if there are ANY adoption records. If I am not adopted whatsoever, I may be eligible to get a refund. This is what happens when you have a family that does nothing but keep secrets and the mistress of lies and withholding for a "mother".

At least I have a claim to have them opened with medical reasons being the top reason. There are still medical problems such as with my kidneys, the doctors have not figured out. Even with the Lipedema being so severe, I need answers.

It could go either way, I will find out I am not adopted, and will feel utter disgust or I will find out I am adopted and will go seeking more answers. Then there could be the decision of seeking DNA tests, but if you have relatives all owned and controlled by narcissists, that is a very difficult thing to obtain. I suppose you can tell which way I hope things turn out. I hope I am adopted and I can find more answers.  Of course if a parent cheated or something else more insidious happened, then I may hit yet another dead end.

It was always weird to be super-fat in the land of the skinny-minnies. There's a few fat mid-sized level relatives but no one who ever reached my size or state of poor health. In all my research of the severely obese on this blog, the majority always had some sort of family history of severe obesity. However in my family, the majority were extraordinarily thin even for average people. Imagine a fat Aspie in the land of skinny model types.

There is no way I share any DNA with size zero first cousins. I look at a friend I have who is 400lbs, and two sisters are near her weight and two other sisters are in the high 200s and 300s. Her cousins are large too as show in family photos. One can tell she came out of that family genetically. Her face looks like theirs. I always have felt this feeling of not belonging like I was an add on.

I won't forget that my mother even refused to answer when I confronted her with the lipedema diagnosis. You know you are dealing with one sick individual when you ask a basic question about your origins and they say nothing or play turn the tables. Two cousins were shocked to hear about her response. It made no sense.

 One friend is worried I will find out I am her biological daughter and about my emotional reaction. I'm ready for anything but I am praying for answers and the truth.

Donna Simpson: A Video Update

This is a video update on Donna Simpson's life, she has moved on away from the feedee/feeder fetish world and it's videos and has moved on with her children. Her daughter and son do not look like they have inherited any obesity and probably take after their father. Her daughter is very pretty. I found this video interesting because it does discuss her involvement with the sordid online feedee/feeder world. Yes the perverts paid good money to watch her eat.

 As I have written before, I met people who were part of this world in NAAFA. Many super-sized women they do reach out to bring into the sickening, exploitive pornography world for the fat admirers [so called FAs].  Donna has left this world behind and is considering her health.

I remember one woman in NAAFA who was even doing "videos", who outweighed me. I was approached, was horrified and said, "No way"!. I would sooner die dead in the street then ever prostitute myself but many vulnerable fat women are lured into this world and saw it in NAAFA. It sickened me and is the main reason I parted ways from the size acceptance groups I was involved in and fled them all. Being very fat many extremely overweight women cannot work and disability is very little money. The cash is one carrot on the stick bringing many of these women into the wicked sex industry. I hope and pray she finds a healthier and more moral life.

Donna Simpson Renounces Her Quest to be the World's Fattest Woman

Woman Wants to be The World's Largest Woman

Monday, December 1, 2014

With the Very Few I am in Contact with

"The narcissist is able to subvert every member of a family"

One good thing about this video is he brings up the issue of how we are not believed and how entire families to far flung cousins and aunts will be turned against the scapegoat. He is right about narcissists being "perception crafters". I am glad the Bible warns about these type of people subverting entire families. Most of the world does not understand how this can happen.

I know I have to be careful and protect myself.

I can see things ebbing away. I don't want to try anymore to fix dead end relationships. Some may be able to stay acquaintances of mine on Facebook, others I know I have little more to say to them.

When I went No Contact, I went no contact with around 16 people in my family. So when I say there is only a few left.....

With a few young ones, such as one niece who has written me, I pray and try to have hope, but I know the family system surrounds and trains all of them. I have noticed in the letters she writes me, she seems afraid to go too deep. She doesn't answer direct questions. She refuses to share her Instagram link with me that she mentioned. What is the big deal in sharing it?  I don't know if her email is read by her parents or not so it may not be her fault. She may have been told not to share it.  I keep the letters friendly and polite but have noticed this even on small matters.

Ollie Matthews once warned of keeping company with those who keep company with our abusers. He is correct about this. They do hurt you. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

Even with my kind cousins, the grown children of the "Aunt that Loved Me", the narcissistic net surrounds them. They spent Thanksgiving with the uncle that directly insulted me before I went no contact. His wife is Aunt Denial who teamed up with my mother to keep me from family events for years.

This is the uncle who trashed me overtly for being poor on Facebook, the one who is the favorite brother of my mother. I told one of them how he treated me, and even though this cousin is otherwise nice to me, he ignored this. He didn't want to hear it and in a response to a letter skipped that topic. That uncle recently is getting closer with all three of them, inviting them to dinners and hanging out with them on a continuous basis. I find myself thinking this is the guy who would run and smash my face into the ground when I would go on family visits as child. This is the guy who wrote, that "all poor people are lazy bums", on Facebook when my husband has faced lay-off problems. What on earth do they see in this guy? Why is he suddenly paying so much attention to them?

As I wrote in another post, I'm not sending a nephew any more cards after this last one unless there is a response. I haven't spoken with him since 2012. I gave him an email address and he has full internet access. He is 16, I know an age where many boys are busy and not thinking of an aunt, but why send any more cards and letters only to be ignored? He has refused to befriend me on Facebook.

I have a pit in my stomach, I've realized about ANY of my relatives. This includes the cousins. Does it makes sense that I feel betrayal for their love of my abusers and loyalty to them? They all have contact with my mother too though they only see her at occasional family gatherings.

 I notice in all the letters, everything is parceled out, they ignore my questions in general or points. I'm not laying it on thick, and trying to focus on the "good stuff". A couple years ago, I asked to befriend one's child on Facebook who is 14, and he said, "That is my ex-wife's department, you can ask her." I was turned down, she is friends with my mother. These kind of things hurt. I never had one harsh word with his ex-wife. Never. That was the work of my mother.

 The cousins are polite and nice to me but holding me at extreme arm's length. A few of these side relatives I told them how bad the abuse was, and how even when sick, how my immediate family rejected me, but there they would remain silent. They refused to discuss these issues. A couple admitted that my mother responded to my adoption questions very strangely but that was it. Otherwise,  they seemed afraid of even writing one mild question about my mother or criticism. They are growing closer with my abusers, it worries me. With one cousin, I was helping him find a book, and he seemed surprised I would take the time. That was kind of weird. He spoke of a book, his mother read to him as a child. His mother was loving, mine was not. I was never read to not once as a child.

 Inside emotionally they just represent rejection to me. I had some hope for the younger ones, but even with that, I just don't want to try anymore. I am tired of "proving" myself to people. I just do not want to do it anymore. The one niece who writes me seems to care and I do her, but even there I feel sadness knowing they will be doing everything in their power to lead her away. The sense of loss can be overpowering.

With my brother, I have gone even more limited contact. He called me on Thanksgiving, but I could tell the phone call was different. He remembered me, but I didn't expend much energy as he bragged about all his holiday shopping, yes he knows in my case, there is no money for any shopping,  and I got off the phone very quickly.

 I want to protect myself more, and I am not expending energy on these relationships anymore but the bare minimum, even there, I know I will have to address the pit in my stomach I have dealing with any of them and how much in some integral way outside of the youngest how they all disappoint me so much.  Some of these relationships will be coming to an end too. I already know it. The me of today would rather be alone then grovel before anyone. If they don't believe me and support my abusers and visit them all the time and are closer to them what future can there be?

Inside I do feel betrayed, I can't help it. The relationships probably have little future. Unlike close friends where I can share feelings, and deep thoughts, here, I am always blocked. They all hold me at arm's length for the sake of my abusers. Here I have to take my own advice, "Don't go to empty wells!"

When Scapegoats Are Ostracized By An Entire Family

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Don't Go to Empty Wells!

                                         [picture source]
Don't go to empty wells! Walk away from the wells that are always dry!

When I went No Contact, I ended a friendship from college some months later. No Contact can re-order everything. The treatment you refuse from your familial narcissists, you start refusing from others!

This was not my close two friends from college but a third one, I haven't mentioned here yet.  We had kept contact on and off with over the years. If anyone was more apathetic about being my friend, it was this woman. How was I so blind? It hit me, this was a toxic friendship I had continued due to the family training. The only time I heard from this friend from college is when she wanted medical advice, and her main emotion would be annoyance when I popped up back up. She was always "too busy". This was true in college too and even during the year we were roommates. Now I know in the world people have careers, and children and really are busy, but this was not someone I was bothering all the time. We lived long distance from one another. If you came to someone and every time you tried to get a small measure of time, they seemed bothered, that should be a red flag, but in my ACON fog, this was normal to me. My narcissistic parents had taught me to grovel for every drop of attention to be metered out with resentment.

 Our last interaction, she told me she was "too busy" to respond to a letter that had "too many words". What an odd thing to say to someone. At that point, my decision to be "done", was firm and I told her, "I am done, this friendship is over." Ending friendships is rare for me but in this case, there was no other decision to be made. This friendship had a strange push and pull quality. I would even ask her, "Do you still want to be friends even?" and she would say "Yes", however it took me going no contact to realize what a rotten friend she was, and that I had put up with poor treatment and rejection from her for too many years.

She wanted me around at her whim, and not any other time. One realization I had about her, is she had no friends left. She complained to me some months before I ended the friendship, that she had no friends left. I said to her, "You actually have to send a card or pay attention to your friends, or show or tell them that you care or people will move on."

I was thinking about this topic when writing a comment to another poster, how some of us ACONs are literally set up to beg for the affections of the uninterested. We spent years as children pleading with cold parents to pay attention to us, to listen to us, to recognize we are alive and we take this out into the world! We think begging to be loved is normal.

Well it's not --no matter what the love songs tell us like "Ain't Too Proud to Beg"!

One thing us ACONs need to ask ourselves to heal is "What is love?"

What does it mean to be loved?

I have friends who love me and I love them. I love my husband. This love has kept me in for the long haul despite the very bad money problems that would have crater bombed many other relationships.

What does love feel like? Love means care, thinking of another person, desiring the best for them, wondering how they are, and being concerned for them. Love means growth and goodness. Love is a bright light in a world of darkness. Love is that special spark between you and another person, a connection that crosses all boundaries. Love feels good. Love means being listened to, and being seen! While all people may argue or disagree from time to time, being loved feels good. Love is of God. [1 John 4:8]

Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't mean constant rejection. Love doesn't mean having a door slammed shut in your face over and over. Love doesn't mean being ignored when severely ill.

One hard thing to face being an ACON who desires recovery is facing the fact they were not loved by people who were supposed to love them. People don't treat people like dirt who they love. Abuse and smear campaigns are not love. When I went no contact from a great multitude of my family with my mother and sister at the top of the list, I had to face facts, I was not loved by them. It was the truth. They despised me. With honesty comes acceptance. I had to admit it.

As a child my mother shoved me away and disinvited me from whatever she could get away with. She did not love me. My father did not love me either.

The world will tell everyone in one of it's myths that all parents love their children. This is simply not true. Aunt Confused, would state over and over to me, "Your mother loves you!" Facing the reality of this can be hard. When you face that wall of "I WAS NOT LOVED". I didn't want to face this. For years as an adult, I pushed my bad suspicions underground and didn't want to deal with it and suppressed the pain. The bad treatment continued and I made too many excuses. I worked HARD for 20 plus years on BAD relationships. All the energy went one way outside of some show-off presents. All the trying to 'work' things out. All the wanting to please. All the wishing they would notice I was alive, or talk things out. I was literally begging in letters which in their narcissistic minds only created more disgust for me.

Yes sadly I begged and begged some more. Everyone wants love. No one wants to be alone. I had this idea of a loving family. I thought I could solve problems in the relationships being clueless and with the scapegoat training thinking I was the problem and not them. As they grew colder, I grew more desperate.

When I became a Christian, I even "forgave" for the childhood abuses wanting a new slate. Thinking if I was a kind enough daughter and nice to my relatives they would love me and want me around, despite personality differences, despite being so overweight. How sad.

For years this kind of thing expanded out to the rest of my life. People pleasing ruled my world. There was too much begging to people who didn't really want me around. The Aspergers, fat rejection and hearing impairment tripled things up on me.  I came across as too needy. There was too much putting up with crap from very toxic people. There was taking way too much abuse while blaming myself the whole time.  There was way too much expended and wasted energy wanting to be liked, loved and cared about.

It takes two to tango and if one party is uninterested, it's not happening. You can't control other people and to do so is unhealthy. Let them be. In my ACON mind, the fantasies of cruel people suddenly turning into loving angels, never seemed to stop. I kept thinking too if I only write the "right" letter, if only I fixed what was "wrong", or said the exact "right" thing that I could change things. Even during my no contact, I had thoughts about writing her a letter, that would "wake her up!". I refused those temptations.  It was not going to happen. This was desperation born of early childhood rejection. A inner loneliness and fear of being cast out forever, that seemed to cut deep into my soul which kept me begging on my knees before these people for far too many years.

I'm finally getting a clue. I sent a nephew a card. He is 16 and now old enough to make decisions about who to talk to or not. I decided this is going to be the last card if I do not hear from him. I provided my email and address. No more begging. I made the offer, and the ball is now in his court. Sadly here the smear campaigns took their toll I am sure.

 I saw going no contact as no more banging my head on the brick walls. I also knew that I never was going to be what they wanted me to be and now I know in my heart they will never be the people I desired for a family. My years of thinking, "I disappointed them" and crying that I was not a good enough daughter or sister or niece, has now transformed into, "They disappointed me". This is more of the tables-turning and me waking up to what happened. It wasn't my fault. I didn't control it and I didn't choose it.

We hurt ourselves when we go to empty wells. We hurt ourselves when we go begging for love or attention that should come naturally and spontaneous. We hurt ourselves trying to expend energy on relationships that have a dead end. Family or not, no one deserves to be treated this way. No longer wasting time trying to draw water up out of a dry well, we allow ourselves space to have people in our lives who truly do love us and want us around. Who open the door instead of close it. ACONs have a lot to work through but being able to realize those loving relationships are out there is part of the healing process. We don't have to beg to be loved. We aren't loved when we have to beg.