Monday, December 8, 2014
My Body is Driving Me Mad
My body is driving me mad. The picture above is yesterday's lunch. The way this body operates I may as well have eaten a slab of ribs, some real cheese macaroni and cheese, a gallon of ice cream, and some onion rings with a pound of butter.
I have had high blood sugars the last two days, I do not know why. They ranged from around 165-178 fasting. This kind of sucks. I did eat some pasta the kind with vegetables in it but didn't go nuts with it. However I ate salad for dinner at least twice last week, home cooked veggie soups, endless bags of frozen vegetables, chicken and veggie burgers. The only "bad" thing I ate in a two week period, was two chocolate squares, 70 calories each, one on two different days. Hey I'm not perfect. Of course I get to watch the skinny people with normal non-freakish bodies go to town on cookie trades, parties and holiday feasts. They don't feel like the world is ending to eat a piece of chocolate and like they are a piece of crap.
No one talks about how one simple fact of life is destroyed for fat people, being able to enjoy food and social events with food without accompanying guilt, fear, shame, and stress. If I go to town, even eating one greasy thing, I will get some kidney stones. Even when I eat Chinese food I have to keep it in small portions. I was supposed to go to a church party for women, and well the weather was iffy, it turned out too cold for me to go, but I got ready. You were supposed to make a dozen cookies for a cookie exchange. I debated and debated but then thought no 500lb [or 530 and something woman] has any business making cookies and eating a bunch of them so I didn't make any. There was the money angle too, I thought with all the nuts, cookie sheet--hey I do not bake, butter, sugars, flour, etc, it would cost too much. Then I felt angry and jealous breaking at least one commandment dealing with covetousness that all these thin women could enjoy cookies, and not have to live their lives under a cloud like this. Part of me was relieved it was too cold to go. Being super-fat messes up some weird details of life.
Diabetes gives me fits, and it's like the middle finger disease. Ha Ha! it says like fat Nelson on Simpsons, you get what you deserve. I can barely emotionally cope with taking my blood sugars because every one of them seems like a ramification against me. I almost have a blood sugar phobia going where I don't want to ruin a day by taking one and then worrying about it. I am fighting off some cold related illness that seems to tickle at the edge of my throat. Maybe my latest bout of thrush is causing the sugars to go higher, or maybe the diabetes is causing the thrush. I'm not sure. Every new diabetes drugs seems to rip out one's kidneys and I have to talk to doctor about what to do. One's own failures to lose weight, lipedema notwithstanding can be madness making.
I sometimes wish it didn't take so much work to keep the thing going. I feel betrayed by it constantly. I know "love your body" campaigns leave me cold. I'm kind of pissed at mine.