Monday, December 8, 2014

My Body is Driving Me Mad

My body is driving me mad. The picture above is yesterday's lunch. The way this body operates I may as well have eaten a slab of ribs, some real cheese macaroni and cheese, a gallon of ice cream, and some onion rings with a pound of butter.

I have had high blood sugars the last two days, I do not know why. They ranged from around 165-178 fasting. This kind of sucks. I did eat some pasta the kind with vegetables in it but didn't go nuts with it.  However I ate salad for dinner at least twice last week, home cooked veggie soups, endless bags of frozen vegetables, chicken and veggie burgers. The only "bad" thing I ate in a two week period, was two chocolate squares, 70 calories each, one on two different days. Hey I'm not perfect. Of course I get to watch the skinny people with normal non-freakish bodies go to town on cookie trades, parties and holiday feasts. They don't feel like the world is ending to eat a piece of chocolate and like they are a piece of crap.

No one talks about how one simple fact of life is destroyed for fat people, being able to enjoy food and social events with food without accompanying guilt, fear, shame, and stress. If I go to town, even eating one greasy thing, I will get some kidney stones. Even when I eat Chinese food I have to keep it in small portions. I was supposed to go to a church party for women, and well the weather was iffy, it turned out too cold for me to go, but I got ready. You were supposed to make a dozen cookies for a cookie exchange. I debated and debated but then thought no 500lb [or 530 and something woman] has any business making cookies and eating a bunch of them so I didn't make any. There was the money angle too, I thought with all the nuts, cookie sheet--hey I do not bake, butter, sugars, flour, etc, it would cost too much. Then I felt angry and jealous breaking at least one commandment dealing with covetousness that all these thin women could enjoy cookies, and not have to live their lives under a cloud like this. Part of me was relieved it was too cold to go. Being super-fat messes up some weird details of life.

 Diabetes gives me fits, and it's like the middle finger disease. Ha Ha! it says like fat Nelson on Simpsons, you get what you deserve. I can barely emotionally cope with taking my blood sugars because every one of them seems like a ramification against me.  I almost have a blood sugar phobia going where I don't want to ruin a day by taking one and then worrying about it. I am fighting off some cold related illness that seems to tickle at the edge of my throat. Maybe my latest bout of thrush is causing the sugars to go higher, or maybe the diabetes is causing the thrush. I'm not sure. Every new diabetes drugs seems to rip out one's kidneys and I have to talk to doctor about what to do. One's own failures to lose weight, lipedema notwithstanding can be madness making.

I sometimes wish it didn't take so much work to keep the thing going. I feel betrayed by it constantly. I know "love your body" campaigns leave me cold. I'm kind of pissed at mine.


  1. I know its the worst feeling in the world not being the same as everyone else, in regards to anything.

    You are doing an amazing job with the healthy eating, not many people can say that about themselves.

  2. Thanks Joan, yes I do not feel like many other people. Thanks regarding the healthy eating. I try my best. I did see my doctor, they are getting my blood draw and I have to take sugars for a week, to see where they are going morning and night.

  3. Peep, Please talk to your MD about your meds-this shouldn't be happening with your blood sugars. Please be aware some diabetes meds PACK ON THE POUNDS-I kid you not! You can starve and it won't matter-here comes 30 lbs. within a month or two. So you might wanna try a different med, OK?
    I know you have a Health Team but I don't recall you having an Endocrinologist-which I'd love to see you have to manage your diabetes and other endocrine problems.
    Peep, this is NOT your fault and you know that: How can I/we help you stop beating up on yourself?

  4. Hi TW, thanks. I saw my doctor yesterday. I am supposed to take blood sugars for a week, and call them in. She couldnt get blood out of me yesterday, maybe I was dehydrated and they are sending a blood tech, for labs for me to get an A1C. My last one was 7.3. I am on 2500 of Metformin and Januvia. I have been on Metformin for years. Yes Actos and even insulin can put on weight. I guess I am worried about any new ones, but we will be discussing a change to the diabetes meds soon. I am fighting off a cold so maybe sugars went high to that. My husband is really sick. I have seen an endocrinologist and he suggested a drug but it is ones I fear the side effects of with the kidney problems, so I have to actually go research diabetes drugs myself. Thanks for saying this is not my fault. I know I tend to feel frustrated and upset inside over the health problems, but you are right I did not choose this. I am trying to do the best I can. Thanks TW.

  5. My sugar was 162 this morning which at least is somewhat improved. She told me to do an emergency call if they go to 200.

  6. (Sorry- I have intermittent internet due to "the weather" which translates into, "This is what cha get for living in the boonies.")
    Yk, there's so much going on medically for you I can't even begin to specifically suggest what's up but yes, being sick will reap havoc with your blood sugar as will a whole bunch of other external factors (like stress-and you have plenty of that.) The dehydration is yet another concern: It's one thing if you can't draw blood because of collapsed veins, a whole other issue if you're dehydrated and already have kidney problems.
    Aiye, Peep, IMO it's a good idea to do your own research on the meds BUT your body is so unique the typical effects/side effects may not apply to you or you may have paradoxical responses. I'm afraid you're gonna have to "Guinea Pig It" as I do because I have autoimmune diseases which reap havoc with meds. (Yeah, I hear ya, believe me...)
    Just a thought FWIW: If you're struggling regularly with blood draws and/or infections (I read about the thrush etc.) maybe a port would be more practical for you?

  7. Hope your internet improves Tundra. Yes there is a lot going on. I know I have to do research diabetes meds, since I am already on two strong ones. I probably should try some cinnamon too but need to figure out a way to take it rather then just draw it. Their inability to draw blood on me worried me. I haven't gotten the blood tech out here yet, hope they send one soon. I wonder if I am anemic. I look it. The doctor asked me if I had been drinking water. I had been. I drink around a gallon of water a day. [yeah I know this is a lot but remember how big of person I am]. The thrush stuff is from my Advair inhaler. I may have to change that medicine too though I go right back into chronic bronchitis when I am not on it. Yes with new meds I have to be very careful, lots of contradictions, guinea pig stuff, drug allergies, etc. I hope I do not have to go on insulin. I am not sure what they will decide yet. I have to try and remember the name of a drug that the endocrinologist suggested. My blood sugar was 166 this morning. I have the issue of this illness maybe being the culprit raising them. I will have to get a normal week's reading too when I am not sick. Thanks TW