Thursday, February 5, 2015
Saying Goodbye to the Entire Family?
On here, I want to talk to ACONs who had to leave their entire family. Please join me in the comments. If you are an ACON who has had to walk away from the majority of your family or all of your family please come comment.
Some may think this is scorched earth territory and isn't that taking things a bit to the extreme? Sometimes I am even wondering why I am thinking this way but it's been on my mind. Really to be frank, I will not really be leaving relationships that exist in my life, it will be like a divorce where the spouse has already lived far away for years and where one only gets an occasional fake blasé card or letter. It is a relationship in name only. I basically will be ending the charade.
Everyone imagines an ideal family. Some cling on to romantic relationships hoping to change a person and that always ends up badly. Here I clung on to people who really did not want me around and had rejected me decades ago at the behest of my narcissistic mother. I know a severely obese, lippy Aspie may be a little harder to love to some, but part of my healing is knowing I deserve love and care from people in my life. Why settle for those who make me feel inferior every time I talk with them?
See the list above, in the picture? All of the above failed in my family for me. I never felt I belonged this may be related to my being a late discovery adoptee but it went even deeper. The second thing is the sense of control and having one's viewpoint heard. This never happened. I know my self esteem was hurt very badly too. This was a group of people I definitely felt hated among.
I even had this thought the other day, I can't afford to be around those anymore who cause me automatic self loathing that had filtered down from my sociopathic mother. I am really realizing at this late age, the extent of the damage done to me. I want something better. That's the plain and simple fact. I'm not going to grovel before people who treat me like I am nothing anymore. Even being alone will be better then that but I have my friends and husband.
For those who have read my blog, I know my healing has been very slower compared to others. There is a lot on my plate. I also think I have to remove myself from the whole sick web for full healing. Some bloggers who have overcome narcissistic families, are on to better and brighter futures. They have shut the door, and succeeded in re-finding themselves. I have to do these things by my timing. I am praying daily to God for help.
In my case there are some other challenges. I shared some glimpses of how severe my abuse was but it was on the severe side of the scale. Therapists 10 years ago used to tell me I was the most severely abused person they had ever met, especially when it came to emotional abuse.
But I have realized with the family they all make me feel terrible. They betrayed me. I can't ignore these feelings. I also faced facts I am strangers with many of them too. I never have felt loved or accepted by my family. Inside I am struggling with self esteem issues, thinking if only I had a normal body, or money or children, would they have loved me but then being sickened too that I was surrounded by people who even led me to have these kind of thoughts. People who are disabled, or childless or poor are loved by families out in the world. I did not choose to be disabled or to have Aspergers. I deserved a lot better.
I always felt like a NOTHING around them and I have faced the sheer fact that ALL of them invalidated me if they didn't outright ignore me. All my feelings, viewpoints, beliefs were always put down, ignored or dismissed. Their blind eyes to my feelings is enough. This extended from my immediate family to the extended family networks. It applied to my mother, sister, brother, Aunt Confused, Aunt Denial, Aunt Scapegoat, cousins and various other narcissists and flying monkeys.
I had relatives I loved and wanted to get closer to. With at least two of the aunts, I was friends with for a short time and wanted a close and loving relationship. Same for the cousins, same for the nieces and nephews. I was turned away at every step. Today, I have to accept the simple fact, there is none of them I trust, no independent minded sorts. I tried to get close to many too only to be turned down. In my case the challenges of being a severely overweight woman and an Aspie have co-mingled with these deep rejections. I know this is one reason I am struggling. Now I understand how the whole process happened.
The sad thing is if you are treated bad, you will have sad and upset reactions, and then your abusers will use those to excuse the ostracization, and abuse. I know there is no winning here. There's a time to fold the cards on the table and walk away.
One scary thing occurred to me, how none of them "saw" me as even a human being. They had no interest in getting to know me. All saw this paper figure, the image my mother had drawn. I tried to break through that for years and failed. She convinced them as early as 1979, that I was "crazy" and used my Aspergers to do so. She was complaining about me to relatives by the age of 5. Even my years of trying to rebuild the relationships failed. My economic struggles made it far harder. In romantic relationships, people leave when they realize they are the ones doing all the work and realizing things are one way, this applies to other relationships too as well. I have given up the dream of being close to my nieces and nephews, that kept me in the game far longer then I would have otherwise been.
For years being told I was "too sensitive", I wondered if I was being too hard on my family members, that I was "too needy", "too demanding", that we all had our own lives and lived far away from one another and this was the natural scope of things. But it was not the natural scope of things, there are families who live far away from each other but still visit and express love to one another. Who knows what normal is when you are surrounded by dysfunction? But even years ago I felt the lack of respect, love or a sense of belonging in this family that may not even be my biological family. I was gas-lighted for years and told I was the problem. Now I am breaking free out of that.
The other day I was reading through some old diaries. One was around 10 years old. In it, I talked about how my mother, aunts, sister and cousins all went on a shopping trip to large city around 80 miles away. They literally drove right by my apt to get there too. I wasn't invited but they bragged to me about their trip. I was told I didn't walk well enough. No one wanted the hassle of me coming along using my scooter or a rented wheelchair. This occurred at least three or four times. My mother even once had Aunt Scapegoat come on a vacation to Florida, full expenses paid and set up the tri-weekly dialysis for her. I thought to myself rereading this diary, did I deserve that? I did not. My relatives have met on other vacations too, I have been left out of. I always was ostracized. It's a simple fact.
Another 11 year old diary in this case, I wrote "I wish I had a family that would come for dinner instead of just coming to my apartment to unload an old computer desk for ten minutes." My husband and I were discussing this the other day, he has helped me in my healing. He said, "Even fifteen years ago, they were treating you like they wanted nothing to do with you."
One thing that happens is these narcissists do turn entire families against the scapegoat who is the truth-teller. With my mother being such a successful narc, and the main avenue of information, coming from her, in my case it was even more severe. My health and other problems bolstered her smear campaigns. They set up things so you are not believed. Often they have maligned you and ruined your reputation from the time you were 5 years old. Thirty or Forty years down the road you are not going to be changing entrenched flying monkey minds.
I realize even a year and half into my no contact with the main narcissists, the family wanted to keep me in the eternal scapegoat role. My mother was still running everything by proxy and sending out spies. Even my brother's ill treatment added up to this message when I realized the real deal with his showing off of his furniture. I had not talked to him in two and half months and thought he missed me and this is where my normal emotions and their dysfunctional non-attached ones, always get me into trouble.
It is a role I am walking away from. What do I owe people like this? Nothing. I understand that when ACONs leave entire families, that can bring on "new guilt". You worry to yourself about if you are making the right decision or not. Some put up with abuse just to "have a family". A real family doesn't treat a member like this.
Maybe I will have the record for the most no contacts of any ACON. It is already in the double-digits.
I am ready to quit. I have not unfriended the few left on a social website yet but have gone silent and blocked all posts. I am not trying anymore. I am done knocking on the doors slammed in my face. I'm still entangling myself from the web the Queen Spider has spun. This is something I'm going to have to do. Self love means not going to a family that doesn't care for you. As we grow, we learn that hanging around people who make us feel bad or reject us for a narcissist is a bad idea. I do have a huge sense of loss to contend with but this is the only answer I can come up with. They never were a family to me.
[I know I wrote I went NC with most of the family already, this is an article to go no contact with the ENTIRE family]
When Scapegoats Are Ostracized by An Entire Family.
The Social Stigma of Being Supersized in One's Family
The Social Stigma of Being Supersized in One's Family II