This is a trap many emotional abuse survivors fall into. It gets you worrying about what others will think and that people pleasing trap where so much pain can be.
I was praying with a friend yesterday, we prayed to God to erase the damage from the rejection inside. It is a hole inside that many abuse survivors speak of, where the narcissists set us up to think if we just become "better people" we will be loved and accepted. We want to FIX the problem! We want to feel safe. For me with Queen Spider this entailed modeling my moods according to hers, always watching out for when she was angry or pleased. It was the same with my father. When this is taken to the world as an adult, it does not work well.
This is something I am deprogramming from now. There is a difference between wanting to do right by people and the training that can come from a narcissistic parent or family system in teaching someone to always be afraid, compliant and walking on eggshells. Sad to say some of us take this out in the world and it actually can make a person more likely to be abused in other situations. In many ways this is a personal trait that is formed that can bring more abuse. The codependent movement touched the edges of it where they warned of people quashing down their own needs to please a lover or parent.
One thing about my NC [no contact], I know it is giving me a place in my life for more positive and good people while it is changing the dynamics of relationships from years ago. It isn't an easy process but I am seeing and feeling the change. It changes how you feel about yourself and how you relate to other people.
I have been short on time but am planning to write articles on CPTSD, facets of emotional abuse, what I learned in counseling in my 20s that at least helped me with some facets of what I went through, and of course continuing other articles about obesity and life.
Woo boy this is me. I've tried this practice and it brings the worst abusers there ever was, and scares away the good people. It's something we can combat by being less needy. If I stake my independence from others approval, say, I can eliminate much abuse in my life. I don't need others approval. To me that was easier than trying to figure out what co dependence was. Why not just call it what it is? Needing approval? This is something we were taught from childhood.
ReplyDeleteOne more job I have got to do is put the abuse back on the abusers shoulders. And my brother's wife, has no idea what is coming to her when they call me on the phone again. I certainly won't be calling them. A couple of incidents of abuse from her, one in particular, she has probably forgotten about. Guess what sis in law? It is back on the table.
I'm glad you got to pray this thing down.
Yes it brings out the abusers in droves. When young I even did a ton of volunteer work and other stuff like I had to "prove" myself to the world. Still remember when doing a brochure for someone and they kept disliking it and I said, "I quit!" I wasn't being paid and wasn't a graphic designer. One bad thing my NM told me all the time was "no one likes you" and coupled with the aspergers that was a self esteem destroying mix. I know today I don't want to work to impress anyone or "win" them over. If I have to work that hard forget it. Yes if your sis in law is making you feel bad don't call her. Thanks regarding the prayer.
DeleteI'm remembering now how all the narcs knocked that in my head. They like to say, "Take the higher ground." When a neighbour was picking on me, my N ex husband, said, "Don't fight back, take the higher ground, reason with her." Oh my, and I did. Then he said, "Now aren't you proud of yourself?"
DeleteNo I wasn't proud of myself, I lost the argument and the bullying from the neighbour continued, and the police had to step in.
Yes, narcs have been known to call the cops on me. But the cops turned on them, not me. lol. That's fun to think about now.
I am glad the cops choose your side. Being Aspie I am afraid if some narcs called cops, the cops would believe their lies, so glad these ones were on a melt-down in front of the cops. I don't like the saying "take the higher ground" to me it is a variation of "don't fight back". I do understand walking away of course and not doing things that get you visiting a court, but I guess too many narcs and flying monkeys used that line on me. So glad one got their comeuppance. :)
DeleteThis is all very accurate. Especially as Aspies we are never viewed as being good enough by so very very very many people. Sue
ReplyDeleteAspies have a lot of social rejection and especially for those diagnosed later or who slide through the cracks, Aspies are taught to blame themselves. Even the "good" stuff can be rejected among some neurotypicals. I believe for an Aspies success, they will do better with a supportive family.
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