Friday, October 28, 2016

Still-Life Painting


This one was painted with a limited palette. I love painting in a place where I can concentrate and have a big glass palette and easel to paint with.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Authoritarian America: The Path To Tyranny




How Democrats Lost Their Populist Soul

"For most Americans, the institutions that touch their lives are unreachable. Americans get b
roadband through Comcast, their internet through Google, their seeds and chemicals through Monsanto. They sell their grain through Cargill and buy everything from books to lawnmowers through Amazon. Open markets are gone, replaced by a handful of corporate giants. Political groups associated with Koch Industries have a larger budget than either political party, and there is no faith in what was once the most democratically responsive part of government: Congress. Steeped in centralized power and mistrust, Americans must now confront Donald Trump, the loudest and most grotesque symbol of authoritarianism in politics today.

“This,” wrote Robert Kagan in The Washington Post, “is how fascism comes to America.” The nation is awash in commentary and fear over the current cultural moment. “America is a breeding ground for tyranny,” wrote Andrew Sullivan in New York magazine. Yet, Trump’s emergence would not be a surprise to someone like Patman, or to most New Dealers. They would note that the real-estate mogul’s authoritarianism is not new in American culture; it is ubiquitous. It is consistent with how the commercial sphere has developed since the 1970s. Americans feel a lack of control: They are at the mercy of distant forces, their livelihoods dependent on the arbitrary whims of power. Patman once attacked chain stores as un-American, saying, “We, the American people, want no part of monopolistic dictatorship in … American business.” Having yielded to monopolies in business, the nation must now face the un-American threat to democracy Patman warned they would sow."


Trump is an end result of this growing tyranny and authoritarianism. So is Clinton with her being owned by corporate interests. Neither address poor people in America. Populism was killed off in the Democratic party too. Trump wants to bring back Reaganomics and failed 'trickle down' theories of 40 years duration which have led us to the 1 percent growing stronger in power.

Clinton is owned by Monsanto and a wide variety of corporations.

Woody Guthrie and pals would be spinning in their graves to see what has happened today. Steinbeck would not have his book, "The Grapes of Wrath" published but would be informed by his publisher to write a book celebrating wealthy bankers and their troubles. 

I won't argue with anyone about who they are voting for.  I know most who have decided to vote, are doing hold their noses votes from the waif of the Turd Sandwich and Giant Douche. Some want to vote for one to protect their interests and the other for his words against globalism. I don't trust either and do not plan to vote for either. Trump scares me worse then the other one in terms of negative impacts on my personal life. The last thing I look forward to is a CRUSH THE POOR REPUBLICAN in power, we are barely making it as it is.  The Democratic party's rejection of the poor and losing of it's POPULIST SOUL, allowed the Republicans to go crazy with power. 

One thing however this article is correct about the Democratic party losing it's populist soul. I am old enough to remember despite the failings of the Democratic party presently, in earlier decades the Democratic party at least made the attempt to speak of the "little guy" and poor people and supported unions. They spoke of "rights" and "justice".  There are social issues I disagreed with the Democratic party even back then, but there was at least some semblance of speaking out for the working class and others.

This has been replaced with the support for the NDAA and trying to whip up war fever with Russia. Hillary Clinton is a globalist who does not put American interests first. I know people saw Obama, as a "good guy" but all I know personally is over the last 8 years, my disability check got cut to nothing. No COLAS means the checks have grown smaller and smaller. So I do not see the Democrat party as this great behemoth of freedom either. They are in cahoots with the bankers, and same war mongers as the Republican party too. 

As a person who fully participated in the anti-war movement of the early 2000s, the anti-war movement was even destroyed on the left, which to me is a sign of the growing authoritarianism and rejection of populism in our culture.  No one in America really supports those Middle Eastern wars, but they kept running under Obama's sojourn, with our growing national debt. Now the insane want even more wars. Americans do not understand how these wars were planned and how they are NOT in the interest of the average America. The big behemoths want to keep the war machine running. Now the left supports war.

 All the ideals have been thrown away for bankers and corporations. The Democratic party did unload the populists, and shut them out. Bernie Sanders losing to Hillary Clinton would be a core example of this. America is growing more authoritarian and one can see the effects in both parties which BOTH support the police state, wars and endless crack downs and rules.

This has become a nation of rule-followers and conformists who worry more about banker credit scores [slave scores] then actual freedom, justice and a positive future. Everything has grown too big, the companies are no longer personal or owned by small business owners but are huge mega-corporations with globalist interests that supersede any idea of loyalty to any country or region. These same traits apply to the politicians as well.

Trump seems to be touted as a "nationalist" but even that is just a story that is being sold. He preaches America First tactics, but then also claims he will bring "law and order".  Trump doesn't care about the Constitution either, in his support of "stop and frisk" laws. Dictators make the trains run on time and make a big deal of "order". The orange faced man is used to getting his way. He is not someone who will think words like "compromise" and "working things out". 

 The 20 year old parking tickets, is just one small injustice among many but there, that came from a Democratic strong hold. I thought to myself, why has no one in Chicago campaigned against this? Surely I am not the first victim. It seems in America people have given up even making a stand for their own rights. It's something I am noticing. You see a lot of shrugged shoulders and that's just the system. America has become a fearful place. Everyone's too afraid to speak out. People accept crushing bills for health insurance, fines, fees and rules that have grown more and more insane.  That is a sign of tyranny because people fear the "punishments" that await. 

Even Democrats became wealth worshippers and sychophants to the bankers along with their Republican "enemies". The crushing and oppressions have become so manifold, they see no hope and have given up in even speaking out for their own interests. Even this is based in the growing authoritiarianism.

 People literally have been Stock-holmed Syndromed and gas-lighted into supporting more sociopaths. The worship of the wealthy since the 1980s has too reached a zenith with Trump. Trump became a celebrity just for being rich during the "greed is good" days. Doesn't anyone remember this? In authoritarian America, the uber-wealthy are seen as gods. This is one facet of a country that has lost it. Authoritarians want the powerful, wealthy and sociopathic worshipped. Boot-licking is now the norm. Trump can insult women and still get supporters. Clinton can have crimes exposed and even her own husband impeached but she is still deemed a nominee of worth.

In this system, there is to be no mercy, only punishment.  Might makes right. Only money-clean outs by the powerful who offer no breaks. The prisons are to be kept full and used for corporate slavery and those who speak out for prisoner rights or even the new Jim Crow, are called insane.

One reason I am no longer in a church, is the growing authoritarianism of America, has not only taken hold of politics but religion as well. As Smakintosh has talked about, the church system has become enablers for oppression and tyranny. The same enablers for tyranny have taken over in both politics and religion.  I got tired of being told to obey man. Right now the churches are preaching "Vote for Trump!". I left just in time. I could not tolerate this. All of my old IFB members are Trump supporters. 

The churches pushed patriarchy and Romans 13 became one of the most favorite verses of the pastors, in their mis-translation that people are to obey world authorities instead of heavenly authorities, they taught from pulpits absolute obedience to the system. I know in the IFB world I was always seen as a semi-rebel even if I shared in the Christian faith with my fellow church members.

 When they preached war from that church I left from the pulpit, I later had the thought, America seems to be a country now where everything is about smashing and "winning" and crushing opponents and blind obedience. Many seem to support tyranny now.  This is why Trump is a good guy to them worthy of support because Trump wins. He may crush opponents to do so, but he has gained their respect. Half the country wants a "strong man" to "make the trains" run on time and to crack down on the ghettos. No one talks about reforming anything. Everything is about punishment and "crushing enemies".

Too many are too deluded to figure out that what came for the inner cities years and years ago is coming for them, and the court system and justice system has already started their oppressions they reserved for miniority races for all who lack the means to pay their way out of the system. This is why an overtly racist man like Trump can "win". The left pissed off people with their endless nonsense about "privilege" to people seeing their economic fortunes sink and having this reality ignored, and then came in Trump. "Trump will save us!" What an absolute joke. I am not fooled.

I have noticed in my own life, how authoritarianism rules here, "Don't have the money, you deserve to be PUNISHED!" It's funny how so much in America is based in punishment now. Every country that doesn't obey us is to be blown up to smithereens, and every American citizen without a perfect slave score and who doesn't have a full bank account to pay endless fees and fines is to be crushed too. Apartments threaten people with eviction. You are told you will lose your license for one forgotten fine or bill. Fines are doubled and tripled so 15 dollars turns into 200 dollars. Pay late, and the bill gets added to. Economic oppression is just one avenue of a system going full blown into tyranny. Trump will make all of this worse.

The Democrat party in my opinion is part of the problem too. No one there is bothering to speak of more freedom or a better life for anyone. It's just more business and banker and mega-corporation status quo. Readers here know I have no lost love for the Republicans too.

The Republican Party Scares Me

It scares me that we have ended up with two such bad candidates, and Trump is the epitome of a country gone "wrong" where tyranny is growing and worship of sociopaths and "strong men" has increased. 

The Decline of American Society 1

The Decline of American Society 2

People


Was thinking more about the conversation with the cousin, he's a mixed bag as a commenter said, but he's harmful to me whether in his case he means to be or not. I think about how I was viewed within the family and always blamed and the more I thought about that, I thought, he believed the others about me. He talked to me like I was the "wrong" and "bad" one, putting me in defense mode. Over-exertion was the name of the game in that conversation.  That's how life always was around those people.

Trying to convince someone is a waste of time too. In in his case, I think he honestly wants some kind of connection with me but it's very loaded. One warning flag for us, when dealing with anyone connected to our families, is if you are having to "work" to be validated or scurrying around to "convince" someone, you are already wasting your time. I know I got exhausted trying to open eyes and ended up with very disappointing results. Aunt Denial is a covert narc who used croccodile tears to smear me to this cousin. When you got 4-5 narcissists tag-teaming on you it's bad business.

I was much happier having no contact with the family or any members in it. I was actually doing far better for the first time in years. I have to remember that. My health is still bad but I had gotten too a new relaxation place not dealing with any of them. People who make you feel like you have to defend yourself are bad business.

They all take me back to a terrible place that is hard to describe where I am "seen" as a bad person. I am always in the wrong. The more I thought about his focus on accusations and me treating Aunt Denial badly when it's her that slammed the door in my face. the more I thought, I opened myself up to more hurt and pain. He may admit a few things but even my brother did, they are part of the same sick system.  To them the sick system is "family", to me, the sick system is a bunch of evil people who did everything possible to ruin my life. They love the narcissists, I do not. 

To be this old and still seen as the "worm" is hard. When you are around people who make your self esteem drop like a rock, it's time to get away.  I don't think keeping any relationships in the "family" will ever be possible. Even after Queen Spider dies, there's too much water under the bridge for me to ever reconnect with any. Once people had their chance to treat you right and then forfeited it, it's over.

In my regular life, I am tired of being judged, and have cut that out of my life. Why take it from those people? Even his words about me being "paranoid" and judging Aunt Denial wrong, who constantly turned away from me, told me who he believed. I could hear the words of my mother in his voice. His response to my would be adoption, since he was told about my genetic disease, is odd too, and I believe the influence of narcissists who told him I am paranoid and a liar. He is thin and extremely healthy and I look nothing like him. This is someone who can hike in the woods for miles.

He ignored things I said about abuse over being closed out for illness. More and more I have understood completely that how they allowed a very disabled woman to be treated was sickening. Their pressure demands for an Aspie to fully conform to their technocrat personality ways was sickening as well.

Sometimes I feel weird trying to tell so many people in the faux family my "side of the story" and not being believed. The ones who even admit I was abused and continue to be, are not safe either, as they still believe the narcissists even if they admit a few "bad behaviors" or maybe the narcissists convinced them inside I deserved to be abused.

I'll wait and see if I get the video for now but I have realized it is very important I maintain full no contact from my entire family for my health and well-being. The ACON spokespeople, Ollie, Luke 17:3 ministries and others who warn that anyone who is in contact with your abusers is harmful to you, are absolutely right.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

If They Have Contact With Your Abusers, It's Not Good





I wish I could get Ollie  Matthews in on this case, but I don't have any money to donate.  Ollie is good about hacking through the narcissistic fog. This conversation confused me.  Please translate if you can. I will share my thoughts below. 

I had a recent conversation with a cousin that bugged me. In it he tells me I am "paranoid" for asking him if he was a flying monkey for my mother.  This was the same response another cousin gave me if you remember.

Yeah I let one in back under the door.  I made a huge mistake. This cousin volunteers with wildlife and seems like a nice guy. I felt bad about not talking to him so much. He is the cousin who came to visit in 2014 for an afternoon. He is the cousin who reached out to Aunt Scapegoat before she died, so I have a more forgiving attitude about him then the others. Maybe it's getting me in trouble. I had ghosted him on Facebook with a few others but that is where he contacted me. 

The other week, he sent me a video still of me at 5-6 years old next to the Aunt Who Loved Me. It was the time I was living with my aunt, and these were happy memories. He was not born yet, and his older brother shows up at around 6 months old. His mother is there smiling at me. He has promised me a copy of this video. I fell for it and talked to him really wanting the video because of those good memories. I put important comments in red.





So am I paranoid? Do My Feelings Make Others Feel Bad?

Let me share the conversation on Facebook, I had with him. Like him, I am trying to make the attempt, I did with my brother which failed to open his eyes. Maybe I do that too much. He came to me first to show me the video still. My accusation concerns me wondering if he is a flying monkey. His response is that I am paranoid.

He promised a copy of the video but then I didn't hear back for a few weeks. He went on vacation in the last couple days. I wonder if I had been "had" or if he had contacted me at the behest of my mother.  It's like I have to deaden enough emotions to deal with these people as it is. He is in computer IT, and is one of my relatives who got a very good 6 figure job right out of college.

******************************************************************************
Peep: 

I want to ask you something direct, when I told you about bad things that happened to me, or about relatives who treated me wrong, why don't you respond?
It is rather invalidating.
Do you not believe me?

.........

Peep continued:

 I feel that way when I talk to you. You sometimes will say and do nice things but even here, I worry you only contacted me at the behest of my mother.
I find myself thinking "Will he send that video, maybe maybe not, he is on vacation"
You ignore a lot of what I write you, so I think why bother. I got the same close out in general from the entire family.
I suppose everyone has believed my mothers lies. Please don't contact me for my mother again.
and if I am wrong, there's a reason people in the family don't trust each other. There's so many liars.
Your trip looks fun I have enjoyed the pictures.
Our communication won't work if you are too afraid to say anything to me. I can tell you are desperately afraid of saying anything "bad" about any relatives.

.........

My Cousin: 

I don't contact you on the behest of anybody but myself.
Sorry I don't always respond right away, or at all. Sometimes I get distracted with other things, sometimes I forget.


Peep:

 I hope you are telling me the truth.
I had another relative promise me pictures and then told me
Oh your mother told me not to send them.
I know I get busy too.
I need to know
Do you believe me
when I tell you about my mother
because if you do not
I will walk and leave you in peace then

My Cousin:

I do believe she mistreated you (and continues to do so)


Peep:

Thank you
The family stood by and watched her treat me like that for years.
you are young so I do not hold you responsible.
younger then me.
Do you understand why I do not have contact with some others who are older?

My Cousin: 

I don't think you are adopted. I think you are paranoid (and it is uncomfortable when I am the target of your paranoia) - but that is the result of not having the parenting you deserved.

Peep:
I am not paranoid, that is what you have been told about me
If that is your true feeling about me [....]
this worries me.

My Cousin:

I understand you not wanting to maintain ties to people that looked the other way when you were being abused.

Peep:

My mother has used others as flying monkeys in the past. I was not sure in your case
It is hard to know who to trust.
http://facesofnarcissism.com/2015/03/23/472/

My Cousin:

That's kind of a funny analogy, as messed up as it is!

Peep: 

Thank you for understanding me not wanting to maintain ties with people who looked the other way.
It is best term for it.

My Cousin: 

I hope you don't isolate yourself. The whole world isn't against you. However, I think your feelings make people uncomfortable sometimes - and they might invalidate you to maintain their own "reality" (with a small r).


Peep:

I was isolated by our family first. I was left out and cut off by other people.  [.....]
My feelings are valid, some may think oh why doesn't she let the past be the past
but the abuse continued to the very day
I walked away



My Cousin: 

About a year ago I was talking with [Aunt Denial], and she told me about a conflict you two had and how she cried about it afterwards - she felt like she was being unfairly accused. And I think you told me that you wrote her off. I can brush off accusations, but some people give up.


Peep: {here I discuss aunt's manipulations, those were definitely croccodile tears or made up--when I went NC with her she had told me she was too busy to write me as detailed on this blog and she never responded to my answer.}

My Cousin: 

I was just trying to make the point that you have made me hurt and uncomfortable with accusations, and that one other person (Aunt Denial) has told me she felt the
 same way. I let it roll off my back. But other people may just turn their back and shut you out. Which sucks. And I don't want to see that happen within the family.

Peep: 

You really were ignoring my statements, maybe letting it roll off your back without any malice to it all
which is why I kept in conversation with you
but with Aunt Denial, I did not give false accusations
it was reality.



My Cousin:

I know I've felt guilty in the past for not getting back to you. And feeling guilty is unpleasant, and it's human nature to go into a place of avoidance (i.e. I don't want to contact Peep, because I feel bad about not getting back to her, and I don't want to feel bad, so I'll just put it out of my mind...).

That's a cycle I've tried to become mindful of in myself, and face head on (at least sometimes)


Peep:

I dont mean to make people feel guilty, the fact you can feel guilt gives
you one up above several family members
I believe they never feel guilt so you see what you get. LOL

I am just trying to air things out here...

[discussion of narcissism, shared Smakintosh's video "Narcissists Subvert Entire Families", he brings up a relative who ignored him]

My cousin:
But I realized that with him, I was letting my resentment make it impossible for that relationship to heal. The relationship couldn't get better as long as I held on to such resentments. (And it sucks that your mother is so sick , you can't ever have a good relationship with her -- you're best off without contact)

Peep:
Yes since your father has a conscience, you could heal the relationship, he was merely not thinking or focusing on other things, etc. You could have the relationship heal.

[discussion ends here, he promises me a copy of the video, take care etc]

**********************************************************

Some thoughts I am having.....

1. I noticed he focused on his discomfort and the discomfort of the family over "my emotions". This is not someone I harangue but probably have a talk to 5-6 times a year. Remember he contacted me first and this discussion came later.

2. It bothers me how he told me my emotions bothered him and others. When he referred to "reality" small R, it sounded like he knew I was upsetting people via some truthful confrontations but there was also this message, "your feelings make people feel bad". 

2. It scares me how Aunt Denial told him she cried. I told my husband how this conversation and he said, "There is no way Aunt Denial cried, she didn't care that much about anything. I can't even imagine the woman crying at all." I suspected her of being a narcissist too though more covert in this case, but now this is huge evidence she is a horrible manipulator. Aunt Denial when I went no contact did not respond to me or say "I am sorry, or "Can we talk?" She had shoved me away multiple times. The idea that she would be crying her eyes out over me is foreign as crazy. This tells me that there has been severe manipulation from that angle too.

4. I heard the comments about the avoidance of guilt from another cousin.  Now this may be an Aspie blind spot, but doesn't guilt push people to action or to "fix the problem"? I have gotten behind on emails with friends and phone calls but don't avoid them as the answer to that problem.

5. He admits the abuse which is a further step then others, but he has kept contact with my mother. I forget who it was, but one ACON writer and spokesperson said, "Never trust anyone who keeps contact with your abuser". It may have been several I heard this from.

6. He tells me not to isolate myself. What is that all about?

7. I feel like crap whenever I talk to any of them. It is hard to even explain. He at least is one that admits a few things, but I am on the fence on how to proceed with him. The whole matter is depressing. The others have obviously lied and manipulated him like Aunt Denial.

8. What scares me is he mentions "accusations" like I call him up screaming he did something wrong, every minute. The only accusation I've ever given him is the one you see above, that he contacted me on behest of my mother.

They are colder and clinical people I can't talk to. This one may have emotions but he is definitely someone I won't make a habit to open up to.

I made too many mistakes here, I JADED, I opened up to someone who has contact with my abusers. He may not be a "bad" person like them but he is definitely influenced by them and in their fog. That can bring harm to an escaped scapegoat in itself.

 I have kept him on my Facebook to even tell me when deaths occur in the family and he is the one who informed me of Aunt Scapegoat's death and my brother did too, but I no longer have contact with my brother.

I think some scapegoats, there is that feeling of knowing no matter what you say or do, you always "lose" and with all of them too. I allowed my emotions to sway me wanting a copy of the video of me with my loved aunt almost taking a step back in my recovery.

I had felt better since going NC from the family. He revived old feelings in me of low-self worth and blame and I realize whenever I talk to any of them while in this case he admits my mother's misdeeds, I am always the one in the wrong and have "emotions" that are bad and wrong too all these people.  That is one thing I have noticed with all of them how they tell me I am always wrong.

He oddly got himself involved in my adoption questions, I had asked him if he ever heard anything and before he told me he went around asking everyone and they told him I wasn't. I never asked him to do this. He seems almost overly adamant about that issue because I had admitted to him I did not know either way. Whatever the rhyme or reason, I have to stay away. They make me feel bad and upset. ALL OF THEM.

Any opinions will be welcome here.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

This Blog Has Hit A Million Views!


Time to celebrate the million milestone! Yes the blog is 6 years old, but I do think that isn't such a bad number. I feel happy to have been able to share and write the things I have over the years, talking about obesity in an honest way, Lipedema, being an ACON and the many variables of the "fivehundredpoundpeep" life. Queen Spider wouldn't like how much this blog has been read, but I am thankful for all my readers. :)

Pay Us for Twenty Year Old Parking Tickets!



Chicago what a grand place. NOT! Chicago is a psychotic money-grubbing place where the evil rule the day. If anyone wonders why America is undergoing moral and economic collapse, here you go! Why are Americans so pissed off and angry? Being crushed every second does bad things to your morale!

Yesterday while my husband laid moaning in bed with very bad gout unable to walk, and I was fetching him food and other things, and we discussed even taking him to the ER, but he held out to go to the doctor monday, he told me to go get the mail, so I did while taking the trash out on my walker.

In it was a notice from some low-level Chicago lawyers demanding 456.00 dollars from parking tickets datedback to 1997 and 1998! Is that psychotic or what? In Chicago even if you parked legally, they'd give you tickets, it happened to me.

I had my own problems with them hunting me down like a dirty dog wanting tickets money. My husband says the city must be going under to be this desperate in seeking funds. In 2004 or so, I was forced to pay for 11 year old parking tickets and it cost even more. There was no statue of limitations nothing, even Legal Aid threw me to the wolves. If anyone thinks America is a "free country", don't make me laugh. They even tried to take my license away in another state because of Chicago but I was able to pay it off back then.

We have declared bankruptcy since then so have a get-out clause on these parking tickets, but that means more time making copies and writing legal letters, I don't want to do.  Yes, the bean counters are tracking down 20 year old parking tickets. We don't even remember getting these tickets or even if they are legit. In Chicago, they loved to do things like tow legally parked cards and give your legally parked car tickets. It is a really corrupt place. Getting out of there was the best decision we ever made.

Update: 10/25/2016

Sometimes for the sake of martial peace one backs down. I was ready to start war at home over this. I am ready to punch a hole in the wall.

He says he will pay them if they provide copies and plans to call the bankruptcy lawyer.
Supposedly Chapter 7 may not cover them.  Its a large amount of money over 400 dollars too.

I think we should refuse to pay on principle. He is worried about his license being taken away which I understand. I even said, "Call the media, these people should be embarrassed!"

They are twenty years old, well one is 19 technically, but come on, there's crimes on the books where the statute of limitations is far less. I am so disgusted, I feel like throwing up. I have never been so angry. I got tortured over 11 year old parking tickets back in 2004. I paid them off at great stress and expense. It was over a thousand dollars. Many of them weren't even legit  and I had no memory of them but I was too sick and far away to go to Chicago to fight in court. They quadruple tickets if you don't have money within three months.
I got mad and yelled at husband, "I don't even have enough underwear or food, screw their parking tickets!" I then told him, we are going to demand copies in writing. I am hoping they can't find the copies, to prove the tickets. We don't even think they are legitimate. I tried to get medical records from Chicago that were 15 years old and they didn't have them.

I then bit my tongue and left the room because I was about to lose it and fighting with him is not going to solve any problems. If I one day take to the streets and just go live in the woods nameless, rip and shred every bill on the planet, then the rest of you will understand why.  It wouldn't have been tolerated 25-50 years ago. Well maybe they are going after some guy for 50 year old parking tickets but he's been buried in the cemetery for 30. We made peace later.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Latest Painting and Painting Class


They had us do a quick study of a copper pot with a limited palette at my art class. I enjoyed doing this painting and have begun a still life based on the limited palette adding one more color of ochre.
It is interesting to me how I can get lost in painting. Some of those pundits would call it the flow where you work on something with such concentration time passes by very quickly.

When those moments can be found in life they are much more enjoyable. When I find a scanner I still plan to do something with the 140 pages of the comic, but I applied for the art scholarship, knowing I needed structure to get back into my painting. I always have loved this art center, I took a drawing class in it in 2009 and never miss a show there. Here is our classroom and a picture of the edge of my glass palette.



They are reviewing basics with me that are helpful such a color theory. There is always something new to be learned. When I took the class I did not tell them I used to be an art teacher, all skill levels are welcomed. The sub art teacher yesterday said, "You definitely seem to be someone with some past painting experience". I didn't talk not even then. I didn't want the pressures in case I flubbed something up. There's one elderly lady in there who has a unique painting style and I think she is experienced too from what I can tell.  I would like to paint something that could get into a show, since I have only done DIY shows and want to sharpen up some skills.

Having an art studio would be great, it's far easier to paint in a place where you can clean up and not worry about spilling paint on the carpet. Anyhow I am having a lot of fun in this painting class.

Feeling Like Deer in the Headlights Way Too Often: Now How Do We Change It



How does one make real money?

1. Don't be disabled.
2. Don't be a scapegoat
3. Don't be nearly deaf and fat.

I hate that deer in the head lights feeling. Every time we get sucker punch emergency, I run around scrambling in my mind.  This time the battery died on our car. We will be able to get it fixed but for people like us, that is scary business.

I used the  Dial A Ride bus to get where I had to go, during the week by myself , my goal of getting more independence that way has come true.

 My husband nixes all my ideas to fix things.

Peep: "Let's get rid of almost everything and  move into a rental room or boarding house and hoard what little money we got!"

He then reminds me, "your medical equipment even without your hospital bed would fill up most small rental rooms".

Peep: "When I was single I ate cold beans out of the can and ramen noodles, and lived in boarding houses."

He responds: "You can't live that way now and you know it."

I then realize, "I am not neat enough for most normal people to tolerate!" I am too Aspie and piss roommates off without meaning to. 

and most rental rooms have STAIRS.

Then we have the discussion, "Maybe we should find someone to move in with to take the pressures off!"

I then say, "That breaks my adult rule of never living with anyone, at least if we get a roommate we would be the ones in charge!"

Your sister would boss us around, she would own us!  I can't be a mooch and have people boss me around. I hate her huge city! She rented an apartment with a steep double stair case I could never do where all the bedrooms are. 

Peep: "Lets get a disability apartment then!"

Peep's Husband: "We were 500 dollars over the cut off last year for 2 people, 

Peep: "well make less this year," [felt dumb saying this]

Peep's husband,  "no we need all the money I can make"

Peep: This rent is costing two thirds of my disability check. [he pays the other bills]

 Peep's husband: "They'll punish me and raise the rent every-time I make more money. It's not exactly a motivator.  It will be only a 100 under what we pay here for exactly half the size"

We have visited the disabled apartments so know what they look like. They aren't thrilled about self employed people happening by.

Peep: "Maybe we should move back to our old town, the rent is cheaper, or move to an even more rural area"

Peep's Husband: "There's no free clinic there for me, there's no charities. We were working class when we lived there.  You will lose your lymph therapist, dentist and house call doctors. "

Peep: "We can't move away from the Dial-A Ride territory. Our car is too old too. The bigger cities are more expensive and the rent would be 50 percent more. " This town has a PACE program I want to enter too. [this is program for disabled and elderly that keeps you out of the nursing home. I know the future of where my body is going]

Peep's Husband: "The bills are crushing us. You gotta do something about those medical bills, we can't afford the almost 100 in payment plans you got going"

Peep: "I have to pay them or they will put me in collections. I don't know what to do. Every option I think of stinks or my health can't tolerate it. Should I get my mammogram done, that will be 17 bucks co-pay."

Peep's Husband: Get that done.

Peep: "I am out of money, can you give me three dollars to take the bus to art class Thursday?" [I got the art class for free basically-scholarship application]

Peep's Husband: "Yes, I made 20 dollars transcribing, I transferred in. It should be here tomorrow.

and so it goes....

This area is charitable at least, the food coop basically has bailed us out big time in being able to eat. They will give us decent foods like organic bread, bran cereal, and meat! Meat is very rare at food pantries, so joining that food co-op has helped my life.  They gave us a roast beef. The last time I bought a roast beef and made it was 2002.  Our old town didn't have near as much charity as this place.

This place has churches with community dinners and we have gotten other help here.  Getting an art class and having free book clubs to go to is other bonuses. I have gotten better at getting help, I was on the waiting list for the food co-op for almost a year. Don't want to give that up.

I have told him we need to hold on to our apartment too, it is safe and quiet and one can't take that for granted. I am praying we don't get a huge rent increase. Life for the poor is not easy. I know my husband is getting worn down and stressed out a lot. We consider having him reapply for disability but he is in the nether reasons, too old and sick to get hired for a regular job or to keep it, but deemed too healthy for full disability. I certainly don't want him as bad off as I am. His gout is worsening. When he gets a bad attack, I walk better then him.

Sometimes I wish I knew other poor people just to know how to survive and WHAT IS NORMAL? Does that sound strange? Maybe not. We talk to some acquaintances in the inner city we definitely relate to far more in terms of economic survival. Trying to survive poverty or figure out what to do is like a puzzle, I have not been able to solve for years. Some may see success in avoiding being homeless.  We need to reach out to more fellow poor people.  When people fall down the ladder like us, it is hard to know what is "normal", how do others manage it. It's like a whole territory of unknown information and unspoken ways.

Sometimes part of my mind wonders how the narcissists got so rich. I know many of them steal everything that isn't nailed down. I wonder even how my mother afforded two 50,000 dollar cars within the last three years. She got her big insurance pay-out in 1998, with all her shopping it seems she would have run out of money but in my world narcs never do. The rest are traveling to Europe and buying vacation homes. It was mind boggling to watch. They never taught me how to live life that way. If I had money I would never waste it the way those people do.

I don't mind a more simple life, for me my desire is just to live without the fear and stress. I sometimes just want to say to husband, "look just accept it." If we end up in the streets, I don't want to be crying the rest of my way through life. I am disabled enough, that if society is standing they have to put me in a home of some sort. [I think] 

One day I got frustrated and yelled, "Lets call the social workers now, and tell them to put us both in a group home!" Let others worry for us!" He thinks I am being melodramatic at these times. I know I have to cool it on my end too at times. He worries about money 24/7. It gets to me. Sometimes I just want to go through a day and not think about money.  I am bad enough worrying about it, obviously from my blog, but he worries even more in a way. Every dime is calculated at every second. He checks our bank account daily to see what is in there even if it is 3 dollars which is where it is at about now.

I have told him maybe we need to adjust our view towards money and life.  Just go through life and live each day. Our panic and fear is making things worse. Chances are barring a Lotto win, we are going to be this poor for the rest of our life. We need to keep life simple and give up some expectations. I was thinking about this while waiting for the bus. It sucks feeling like the mooch and feeling the burdens of worrying people hate you for being poor or always in need but at this point we can't do anything about it. Say thanks to people who help us at the charities and just go on with life.

He is still "driven" and was raised to "succeed" and I know this has taken a toll on him, he grew up a very gifted writer and student expecting better things for his life. His family was lower middle class but a kind of life was detailed for him that did not happen. In my case, I was raised around upper middle class people and wealthy people who had jobs and massive connections. Life simply went by the script for these people. I need to write the connection article soon too just to show you how extreme things were. I was given expectations about life that did not pan out. There's a point where for your happiness you have to adjust expectations. 

I even have thought, why cry and scream and get depressed even if the worse happens? If I die sitting next to a tree in the woods, God will have me. My rent is paid so that's not a concern presently.  I am burnt out. I know one of my personality traits married to resourcefulness and the drive to prepare can actually work against me in the worrying about poverty. I try to pre-plan for all scenarios and a person can drive themselves crazy. While this has helped me, in that I get needs met, it can work against me too.

With my husband, he had a newspaper career and more, he thought would pan out to something better. Even now he seems to dream of a "better future" and is trying to write a book with a partner, that actually was granted publishing already. He has that strange marriage of being "driven for success" but having ended up in poverty, sometimes that can be a bad mixture for someone. It's weird to watch someone work so hard even after all this.

I wish I could figure things out, or how to fix this all, well I have tried for years to figure it all out. I supposedly have a higher IQ, but it's not when it comes to making money.  I can't control it and I'm sick of trying to fix it and beating my head against that brick wall.  Adjusting expectations means more happiness, but we need to figure out what to do about the fear factor.  I know this is a major left over from our Chicago years.

Peep Writes about Being Poor

Do You Believe in Chemtrails?






Am I a "crazy" conspiracy theorist to think our skies looked kind of weird over the last few days? All these pictures were taken within the last three days.  I usually have a camera on me. One I took while bored waiting for the bus. When you see "crosses" in the sky,  that's kind of odd. I live in a rural area, no giant airport within 100 miles. One friend when I showed the first one on Facebook asked if the National Guard was out, I said I sure didn't see any of them.

Should I Consider Pain Killers?




I have to clean this weekend and my body in pain will protest. I didn't even want to make dinner last night but had to. No choice in the matter.  When you feel like smashing the dishes into the trashcan instead of washing them that is not a good sign. Disabled people can fail to clean, there's a million movements to keep one apartment clean and my body only wants to do some of them. I see all the undone tasks and it's torture. Wanting to cry over undone dishes, is not a good development.

When I do other activities like going on the bus to art class and appointment and having a friend visit for  few days, all energy is put one direction, other things SLIDE. My body hurts a lot. Sometimes I think I may have to ask the doctor for pain killers just to function. Some shout "You will become an addict", I avoided pain killers fearing I would never poop again. I may need them now to keep the apartment clean and to function.

What is scary about my body is the more I exercise, is the more it breaks down, it's not supposed to work that way but it does. I tell doctors this and they tell me I need to go rest, and I am more active then most people my size. You will see me fade as a day goes through hunching over my walker, groaning and moaning near the days end. My doctors have told me many people my size are completely bed bound or housebound from not being able to walk. They smile at me and say things like, "You are doing well, keep at it." Maybe this is from their shock that I am still alive.  It's like living in hell knowing no matter how perfectly I eat or move around nothing burns off.  The body gives me endless middle fingers for telling it to do anything. I am having one of those days I plan to spend in bed. I will get up to shower and to do one bout of dishes, maybe wrap and move around for a few hours but the majority will be here in bed. The "collapses" are coming more frequently.

I have wondered though, what if I had the pain killers and could do more? Yes I fear addiction. I am the kind of woman who won't even take Tylenol unless I am dying.  I tough out migraines with nothing. I got Codeine for my dental surgery and it's the only painkiller I've taken in 5-6 years outside the  Bentyl for IBS from some years ago.  Codeine I seem to tolerate well though it makes me sleep more. The doctors may say no anyhow.

I can END my PAIN too, if I do a Flexitouch session and stay in bed for many hours. I am not in pain now after being in bed except the usual low level ache, that is always present.

Last night though I felt like I could barely walk myself. Every step felt like torture. I had gone to my art class and been on the bus both ways there, with waiting time. I walked around the art center. I had cooked dinner the night before and served husband lunch before I left. I collapsed into bed for the afternoon and got up and made dinner, and then did  the dishes, I did not want to do.

 I used to be able to block out pain. Doctors have marveled at my ability to block out kidney stone pain, I didn't tell them about the time I suspected I literally passed out and even the mammogram woman, said something weird to me last November saying, "You are used to a lot of pain, I have never seen a woman this stoic, getting a mammogram exam." as she squished my boobies. On the pain meter, she didn't realize that was barely nothing.

It gets sad, when people see us both limping around. He has a bad case of gout, and can't walk.  When your caretaker can't walk and your car is temporarily broken down--it is the battery, life gets scary. I am worried about my husband.  Last weekend I was at the veggie stand--limping after a friend's visit gathering up the vegetables to buy and he was unable to walk and limped in to pay and one healthy chipper lady said to me, "Are you two going to make it?"

I may be asking doctors for pain killers to be used on worse days. Maybe there is one that is not addictive. The war on drugs has made too much weirdness when it comes to pain killers. I don't look forward to being treated like a drug addict if I do go on some. I have put it off as long as I can too. They may say "No", so it will be a moot point.  I also fear pain killers lower metabolism, so that kept me off them too this long.  Any Lipedema peple please chime in on this one. If you are on pain killers chime in on this one. Maybe I should research natural ways to relieve pain too.

Now trolls don't tell me to "lose weight". Your magic spell isn't working for me.  My food has been reduced  via involuntary means, I have been doing more, from necessity and exercise is no help to me either. So in advance go bugger off.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Are You Lost in the World Like Me?



Everything shown in this video feels very true, these changes in society have been in a short period of time too. I use the computer, but look up from it and remember how life used to be "before".

Crawling Out From the Lifelong Rejection of the Scapegoat



Yes freedom will come in then. I told my husband the other day, I just don't want to "try" anymore. I thought back in my years how hard I "worked" to connect with people. Now I ask "Why did I have to work so hard? Why couldn't I just be?"  Being stuck like so many scapegoats to "impress" people is a pathway to failure. Many of us can get stuck in it.  I have un-glued myself.

 Connection with others which I have had before and enjoyed is something every normal human being desires. While I have found a few real friends along the way, and felt some belonging in my old town that didn't last very long, because of my health and the Aspergers I have always struggled to a degree.

Things got bad in the last several years. Several friends died, we had to move too much, though we have been in the same place now for ten years. Friendly local people moved away. Both of us have ended up as hermits despite my best efforts. I worry about my husband too. He can still talk to people to make a living at least. I tell him it's not good we are so socially isolated. I tried to fix it and people know I have discussed even moving to fix it.

I write about this online and people tell me, they too are getting more isolated, it's hard to talk to people. Lately we both take refuge in each other and I do in my hobbies, but even as a couple we miss having people to talk to. Why is it so hard now? I told my husband ten years ago it just seems conversation flowed so much easier.

The choice to take abuse and have some people around vs be alone without abuse, obviously I chose the non-abuse option. Clearing out the decks of all the poop, you stand around on the clear deck and say "now what?"  Too much betrayal or facing the facts of the abuse, can make you feel far more wary of people. There is definite an air of fog of Aspie social blindness I walked in along with the ACON fog. Waking up and getting out of the fog was difficult. Seeing how I was seen for real was very hard. Realizing how people operated too, was some hard lessons.

I feel afraid of people now because I have felt so betrayed by the catfish, Mrs. Curses, the woman at the drop-in center and by the project friends. I am still going out and doing activities I enjoy but I know since all that happened, I am not opening up so much. This makes me kind of sad, that I have to be so closed mouth but the established boundaries to protect myself are necessary.

My narc radar has increased by far. At the bible study I left--see below, there was one woman there, that freaked me out because she was looked and acted like two narcissists so much that I had removed from my life, that it was disarming. She came up full of smiles too, but I was wary and held back. I thought to myself, "I need to avoid people like that" and did.

I seem to meet endless cool people online who become close friends, but in real life it just seems to be the litany of "judgers" and people I do not fit in with. Now I leave when I feel uncomfortable such as a local bible study I departed from for good where the women were all upper middle class, into humble bragging and upset by any statements that didn't coincide with some unwritten rules exactly. They were "nice" but it was another place I did not fit in. How come I never meet other disabled women my age? Or childless women? Those two categories seem extraordinarily rare.

 Down to earth people who are non-narcs usually have their social and family connections set by middle age. The narcs always can go get new victims. Their dance cards are always full. Their families all worship at their narc altars, the ones who don't succeed and become parasitic are taken care of, the rich ones like Queen Spider get their butts kissed.

  A disabled Aspie, trying to rebuild a social life as she edges near 50, that's feels impossible.  Sometimes I think, "Oh you must try, it's not healthy for you and your husband to live like hermits" and in the next sentence I think, "Why bother, perhaps outside of online and long distance friends I am wasting my time and banging my head on a wall"? My message to myself is to enjoy life and to do what feels right to me. I don't have to prove myself to anyone anymore. 


Queen Spider's rejection and bringing the entire family to reject me has had very serious life long effects. I lay this one at her feet. A life spent under nothing but rejection hurt me. I remember thinking the sentence, "Why am I so rejected?"  My disabilities were used to reject me. I barely survived the taught self-hatred for being fat, and for being Aspie as given out to my family. I have met other severely obese people and high stage Lipedemics who have families who LOVE them on Facebook.

Pete Walker would probably label it severe emotional neglect and abandonment trauma.  Facing their sheer NOT CARING was very difficult. Facing the fact that I was not cared about and was invisible, has been some very hard barriers to overcome. Some therapists would tell me I was one of the worse cases of emotional abuse they had ever heard of. Sadly the training regarding abused people is minimal. I was still told to reconcile even after their astonishment at my treatment. How did I become a person capable of love, when there was no love growing up? It's a question I don't know the answer to.

Now that the narcs are gone: now what? I walked away from several "friends". People who made excuses and sided with narcissists and people who betrayed and abused me, got left behind on the family front. Now the social front has become very changed, but even then why the worry? Why the feeling of such complete rejection. Why was I put in this place of constantly having to impress and "win people over"? Now I don't want to. I just want to BE.

It has brought me some bad depression for many years and that thought inside my head with her shrill voice behind it, "No one likes you". I must never minimize to what degree this sociopath tried to soul murder me and must also forgive myself that if someone grows up without any love, there will be life long implications. I have asked myself questions, in turning the tables like, "Do people feel loved by you?" My husband says Yes, to that and tells me I am an affectionate person.  My best friend loves to visit me twice a year for three days. Even if we show love to others doesn't always mean it will be received. That said, we have the right to demand good treatment of ourselves. Scapegoats are put in that place of always being told they are the ones who have to worry about what everyone else is thinking. I feel like I have thrown off some shackles.

 Even the thwarted love, that a child tries to give to a family that has rejected it, means life long implications as well. I remember trying to show love, giving cards to parents who would throw them away with a look of disgust and even trying to reach out to the Queen. It makes me sad how much energy I poured down this well.

I had a therapist once tell me they thought I could have attachment disorder but then she said to me, "But you have a conscience and love other people and want to connect, you do not have the symptoms of that disorder, you just have the lack of an early bond"  She went on to add, "I do not know how you managed to escape it." She said someone must have come in that you attached to. I said "Maybe it was that one aunt I lived with for a short time and who I wanted to stay with. It was a big controversy. I loved her. I remember with a surge of happiness even 40 plus years later, the feelings I had around her. Maybe she saved me in ways that would be unknown."

I had a cousin use those feelings against me, recently. I don't trust him anymore. He was the one I last let go of but he managed to wiggle in. "I have a video of you and my Mom [the Aunt that loved Me] during that time you were living with her, my Dad and brother" and he showed me a still from it. I am smiling and happy in the still and my aunt is looking at me and smiling. I never smiled in photos from my parents, so to see myself happy was a good thing. I still miss that aunt. Her death in 1987 is and was suspicious to me. The fact I was standing in the room and heard them all say she died with no alcohol in her system and then I read her son's blog 25 years later from the time of her death where he writes she died of drunk driving into the tree, I am disturbed beyond belief.

 I wanted a copy of that video, so I decided to answer back. I suppose some could call this "taking the bait". Hey I am not perfect. I only own two pictures of that aunt, one is her high school photo and one she is smiling with her three sons.  Now I doubt any video will be sent me. Perhaps my mother put him up to it. If they have sunk so low to use this time of happiness against me, it will tell me how completely evil they are. I will see if a video shows up, he said, he would copy and send it to me but for now I am wary. It reminds me of that scenario where Aunt Confused told me about having pictures and then turned around and refused to send any and that my mother told her not to and she was going to obey, instigating my no contact with her.

 Since I have cleaned the slate of toxic people, I have asked myself, how does one find good people and avoid the bad? I know that most people build on having a loving family and have connections through this. I am so rootless, and that has affected me in a bad way.

I and my husband outside of internet connections are basically living like hermits. I have become a hermit. Sure we see some people like clerks, people at the food coop, people at the self help group, I know a couple names of people in the art class I am taking but we are very isolated people. We don't go to dinners, or anyone's house.  Since I've gone no contact there's none of the forced marches to see people barely tolerating us. There is relief in that but one can be troubled in asking, why have I failed to connect and is there something wrong with me in the fact I haven't or maybe I am wrong about how socially connected everyone is.

 Maybe I am NORMAL especially for a disabled Aspie with my older long distant friends and husband. Maybe the narcissists messed me up there playing social comparison games especially a Queen Bee mother who was always bragging about how popular she was. Maybe I got caught in this trap too of trying to replace the family I never had.

 Lately I don't feel like talking to anyone outside the internet and even online, I am sticking to old Aspie friends and other friends I've known for some years and people I've written here for some time. Life forces me to talk to grocery clerks, pharmacists, and the lady who makes tasty burritos at our local Tacquiera, but I never have become so silent in my life. It's weird. Maybe the real me is more of an introvert or maybe I am simply tired, and flowing along after the final family cut-off. Maybe the multiple holes in my back from people stabbing me in the back hurt and I can't afford anymore holes.

We have conversations between each other, about how sometimes it just seems safer and nicer to stay home together and how it just doesn't seem people are the same anymore. He jokes about "hiding out in our apartment" and it really feels that way. We used to go out with our heads held high, eager and enthusiastic to get involved in the arts, to meet people and it became so difficult. I mull over, "What have we done wrong to end up like this?" He says "Nothing".

Even for the charities that have helped us, it's better to stay polite, thankful and distant. I would give back if I was ever in the place to. I don't want any "project" friends anymore. I don't want anymore upper class women of 15 years age or more JUDGING ME. It even occurred to me in my old rural town, that there was this woman, I was friends with for a while and even did some art class volunteering with at a church, who was one of those upper middle class charity friends, she was best friends with the lady who dumped all the boxes at my house. I've repeated patterns in this town, that I even had happen in the earlier years in my old rural town. Perhaps I was enacting some repeated behavior trained by mother, finding these older women who felt naturally superior to me or would be narcissists and trying to please them, "working" my way up, via volunteer work, or the rest. This is a pattern that must be broken.

My husband has told me, "Don't fall in that trap again!" Maybe I want some people in my life I don't have to impress. I would rather be alone then be in any relationships like that again. Being alone in fact has been preferable to that. Also if you can't be real with people and they are upset with how you feel, think or believe, then the friendship has no hope anyway. It will never go deeper. I knew with one it would end when she was telling me what to think and what to feel.

 I do have beliefs many people do not like. There's probably strong even spiritual reasons I feel so out of sorts. Many here have written me telling me, "yes, people are changing and not for the better". The Christianity alone is enough to get thrown out of many circles but in even there I have failed to "conform" to the church world, so there you go. I don't match many people. Inside there always has been a psychic struggle where I thought, "If you only just conform, you'll have more friends" but I can't do it. I have to be me.  I also know what I believe and don't want to change it to be "popular" or acceptable to some. 

  Whatever personality was formed in the crucible of severe abuse, while this standing firm saved me, it also has led to some troubles in life too. If you are too different, a lot of people won't understand you. I often was in the place of watering myself down, to be polite and things like that but aren't friends people you should be able to be yourself around? Even if I never will fit in, maybe it is time to say, it is what is and it's time to accept it. I don't want to be like some of these people I left behind too. I'm done trying to impress others, I want the freedom. 

Saturday, October 15, 2016

We Aren't Having Fall



Mr. Tree thinks it's August 15. Oct 15 with no fall in my state is almost unheard of. This picture is from the 12th. I took some pictures of trees to show a friend how fall has not shown up. The green below the tree is not bushes but the top of more very green trees down at the bottom of a bluff. There's a few perennials dying off, but a most of our leaves have not turned. I don't want share where I live here, but I live in state where fall is supposed to be about pumpkins, colorful leaves, cool temperatures and sweaters. This has not happened.  I used to doubt global warming, well most likely it is "global engineering," but I am always open to new evidence on all matters. It's 71 degrees today. I suppose if we have no winter this year, it will be nice to escape three months of being housebound.

For people in America, reading this, are you having fall?

A Weird Symptom

Here's an online Symptom Checker

I feel hot all the time.

This may sound dumb but I kept trying to find my thermometer and could not find it. I'm not an organized person.

I told my doctor on Thursday, I am having these spells where I feel hotter then hell, like a melting mess. I think my thyroid is doing weird things. He did immediate blood tests. It is for hours not 5 minutes like your average "hot flash".

 He gave me more thrush medicine. I keep getting that too. If any of you have had the symptom of "being hot" all the time, what was it? If I have gone hyperthyroid it would be nice to get some weight loss out of it. With me, they would tell me take less medicine. He will check the levels within the week I'm sure. Some woman in New York Times magazine acouple months ago had a thyroid storm and lost 30lbs.

I did a lot this week having fun, but with me that can mean playing footsie with infection, but I'm in bed now resting. 

Any feed back on this would be welcomed in terms of your own experiences.

Friday, October 14, 2016

A Relative Came Out of the Closet

I didn't talk about this before when it happened. You know stirring up trouble with saying something non-politically correct. I had some guy rip my head off for questioning the choose from the list of 50 genders article. That was before I wrote the troll article.

But my family seems to be falling in love with non-traditional lifestyles. I know about other sexual pursuits -non gender or orientation derived that I decided to not go into on the blog in case it's ever discovered. This mostly concerns badly behaved "straights".  Let's just say my life as a traditional wife seems to be a rarer one in my family. I'm of the Ozzie and Harriet ilk, well,most of them, they are something else. This over 40 years old cousin I suspect is the fourth gay member of the family.

It's ironic though, when I saw the "coming out" post of the previously married cousin. All these relatives save for one were high fiving him for it. It's strange, because I remember when my mother smeared me for being a lesbian, when I was not a lesbian but fully hetero in my case.  I wrote about this a few times. Has society changed this much in 25 years? I suppose it has. The family turned their back on me for supposedly being "gay" and overtly and directly abused me for it. I was mocked for looking butch, not being a real female [effects of PCOS] and told no man would have me,

 I don't believe people should be treated like this even if you do not agree with the lifestyle choices so it was strange to watch. How times have changed.

Before I went no contact with the entire lot, I could tell the whole family would be falling apart most likely, almost like my going no contact was a "loose thread" that got pulled. Maybe they woke up looked around and realized they had nothing in common with each other. It is one interesting facet of American society how demographics can be so different now even within one family with everything from religion, socioeconomic levels, politics and sexual orientations. Maybe the sociologists will study that one day. I once asked on an ACON message board if "family" was falling apart in a normative sense even outside of ACONs? Was DNA enough to hold people as having enough in common once you moved away from dependent children and parents?

 As the years went by and I got deeper into my no contact, I realized I left people I had absolutely nothing in common with and did not share the same values with whatsoever, and that applies to all of them.

The gung-ho Republican narcissist uncle was very upset at the coming out of the older bisexual cousin. His response on his Facebook declaration, was "So". They already were ready to come to blows over politics, the newly declared bisexual man is a classic liberal and the uncle, almost the stereotype of  Republican.

One thing about me, my family hated me for being "too old school". I don't want to say conservative because I am not a Republican and while I am a Christian, I don't fit in the normative evangelical box either. I once had both parents mock me for being 22 years old and a virgin.  Some would call me a prude and tell me I was "too uptight".Funny since I wasn't allowed to even date in high school. Narcissist parents are master at double bind messages. I'm no contact now with the cousin out of the closet anyway now. His enabling of narcissism caused that, not the bedroom choices.

Birds


I took this photo from really far away but it seemed to give it an interesting affect.

Ask Reddit Questions: What is Intolerable in Your Life?

I've been reading Ask Reddit too much lately.

It can get kind of addictive.

This question is kind of interesting, it got over 29,000 responses.

What do other people accept as part of life that you personally cannot tolerate?

For me the list would be:

Narcissists and sociopaths
Big Cities [as far as living in one]
Fast Food
Lack of Sleep
Suburbs [seriously I have a thing about them and refuse to live in one, my idea of hell is to be in a cookie cutter housing development]
Being late, I hate being late too.
Pajamas [Nightgowns only]
Stairs

Food I like


A friend treated me to this meal the other day. This was a very tasty meal. This is the kind of food, I always love to eat, soup full of veggies and a good sandwich, this one was roast beef. The soup is chicken wild rice soup full of veggies. I cook things like this myself but it's easier to have someone else do it!

Painting Exercise


Art class is proceeding well. Here was one of our painting exercises, painting literally folded paper sculptures. It needs a few touch-ups but I like how the colors turned out. This teacher is good with color-theory, re-visiting that would be helpful. My class ends in November before my housebound door slams shut but it's been a fun fall activity. I was able to get a scholarship which the center offers.

It's Better to Quit that Team!

Seen on facebook...sad they tell people to sit there and take it....


Monday, October 10, 2016

America's Funeral?



America's Funeral? Yeah watching two narcissistic sociopaths go at it, says it all. Sometimes I fear the election is to distract us all from the build up to war with Russia, but I find myself often asking, "How did things get this crazy?". Hillary is a crook who stood with a husband who abused women, and the other one has a foul mouth who definitely doesn't show much respect of women. I laughed when he said, "You'd be in jail" and thought that was the best moment. Watching the debates is like watching reality TV. Trump seems to be playing a "part". Too bad he' s a sociopathic narcissist too who glowers his way through life and is with the party joined with the other one in wanting us all to live in the gutter. Really these two non-candidates are a sign of the decline of America. Maybe the slow collapse of this place is accelerating.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

It's Troll Week on My Blog

I've had to send a lot of comments to the SPAM grave yard this week.

The David Sedaris defenders are the worse, sometimes I wonder if I am getting someone who has a personal stake in the debate, because I don't see why an average celebrity worshiper would care to come here on here and project and call me a "narcissistic lunatic". I am far from the only one online who noticed he treated his sister like a classic scapegoat. Calling me crazy isn't going to change how Tiffany Sedaris was treated.

Then I got the diet-mongers who think they can abuse me and yell at me to "eat less" on here and my body will respond by suddenly losing weight. How many times have I written they can put me in the lab or hospital next week, and watch the metabolic hell-pit I live in? Ah yes all fat people are liars, or something like that.

I had the CICO true believers abuse me for years telling me I was fat due to being an over-eating pig. I started this blog, knowing something else was wrong {Lipedema} and I was RIGHT, and PROVEN RIGHT after four years. 

Strange Charm actually wrote the laughable sentence

"Controlled studies all show weight loss, when people eat less then they burn"

That's why 95 percent of diets fail right? If it was that simple there'd be no fat people. That's a statistic someone's definitely pulled out of their butt.

Why haven't they learned their abuse hasn't made anyone thin yet?

Then there's Mr. "I escaped a Communist country and you Americans are fat and spoiled". I left that comment up, I thought his remarks were so insane. So I am supposed to defend sociopathic politicians and those who want to impoverish America? How does that work?

I find it interesting how obesity which is spreading among the poor in America like gangbusters, is being used a scapegoating mechanism and dehumanization tool world-wide.  Read that psycho's words and know, that fat people are now being scapegoated world-wide. He hates Americans so much, he comes on my blog to defend their impoverishment.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

The Decline of American Society II: "Dying Americans" and "White Ghost Dance"



I found this blog which is blowing my mind, because this is a someone who seems to be writing about a few of the cultural things I have touched on this blog.

Read my article: Generation X: The Scapegoat Generation is Dying Young

Now read his:

The Dying Americans

"It's not people dying in the streets, though, unlike some of the more feverish TEOTWAKI peak oil predictions. From the research, elevated levels of suicide and drug abuse are the prime culprits. It's the million little deaths that go unnoticed in the obituary columns of decaying communities all across this formerly prosperous nation. Someone overdosed in a back alley. Or a meth lab exploded. Or maybe they were killed in a car accident, or decapitated while driving their motorcycle too fast. Or they were shot by police. Or they are dying of liver failure by age 40. Or, increasingly, they are ground down slowly by the many chronic diseases such as diabetes that are symptomatic of the chronic stress and horrid (yet highly profitable) junk food diet of most Americans. It's a dieoff all right, but it's never framed as such. You can see it all around you: the overcrowded jails filled with unemployed people, the overcrowded hospitals filled with sick, obese people, the folks standing on the medians and freeway offramps with cardboard signs and living their cars, all while the media just goes on reporting about spectator sports and celebrity gossip as though nothing bad is happening. Ignorance really is bliss.

The obvious analogy here is Russia after the fall of the Soviet Union, as many people writing about the study have pointed out: The Dying Russians (New York Review of Books). But there was no "collapse" of the United States. Or was there? Instead, we're told by the media and politicians that everything in every way is getting better and better for everyone. Just look at the latest iPhone! Television screens are huge! Even the very poor have indoor plumbing! And you can Google anything you like, so what are you complaining about, loser?

Everything is famed as personal failure, thus the dieoff is just a million stories of individual failure with no overall pattern. Nothing to see here, move along. Study and "work hard" (whatever that means), and you'll be okay. Certainly that fear is behind the epidemic of overwork, presenteeism and grinding hours of unpaid overtime Americans are putting in at work in the hope of not being next. It's like being the model prisoner in a concentration camp, though. Ask the turkeys this month if being a good turkey had any effect on their ultimate fate. The Parable of the Happy Turkey (Global Guerrillas)

Up until now, Americans have been happy turkeys. Thus, they cannot comprehend what is happening to them. In America it is taken for granted that the ultimate locus of control is on the individual, and that there is no such thing as society. That belief has been heavily promoted over the past thirty years, along with the "create your own reality" and other assorted positive thinking nonsense (thanks Oprah!), and I think we can see why.

And since we see this always as personal failure and are not allowed to see it as systemic failure, the poor and formerly middle classes take it out on themselves instead of the system. After all, America is the land of opportunity; if you don't "make it' (whatever that means), you have no one to blame but yourself! Of course it is not true; the musical chairs job market and winner-take-all economy means that only a tiny number of people even have a shot at the middle class anymore, and a lot of that is due to geography, pre-existing social connections and luck.

They don't have to kill you if they can get you to kill yourself.


And although framed as a tragedy, I wonder if to some extent this behavior on the part of working class males is a logical response to living in the kind of society that the United States has become. In a society that has no use for them anymore and where they have no sense of purpose and no hope for the future, it seems like suicide is a rational response. After a certain age, you realize that you have been sorted to the "losers" pile. If you live in the vast suburban flatland of Middle America, you likely live in a decrepit house somewhere in the anonymous miasma of strip-mall suburbia, buy disposable plastic crap made in China from baleful fluorescent-lit Dollar Stores, drive an older model pickup truck or SUV with a bad muffler and bad brakes over potholed streets and under rusty bridges, while all the jobs around you aside from the hospital and the university (which are mainly female-staffed) are minimum wage, dead-end jobs where you have to smile and wear a uniform. You realize you're never going to meet the girl of your dreams since hypergamy is still baked into female mating choice, despite what some feminists claim. You realize you will never get that that great job that will allow you to be upwardly mobile and live in relative ease and comfort, and life is a bitter, hard struggle relieved only by the occasional joint and video games. Or you're divorced and paying child support to your former wife who's managed to keep herself presentable enough to hook up with one of the few remaining alpha-males, and half your income goes to support the kids you never see. Or your deadbeat loser children have been working multiple McJobs and living in the basement for years with no hope of even affording a one-bedroom apartment, and between them and the wife you never speak to anymore, you can't even get into your own damn bathroom. You realize that, like most Americans, you will never afford to retire and will have to work your boring, dead-end job under your asshole supervisor until you literally drop dead. So why wait?

I mean, who wouldn't kill themselves or anesthetize themselves with drugs and booze in an environment like this?"


Suicide is never to be the solution but definitely he has touched upon something happening in our society.

What happens in a society where people are told they are nothing over and over and there is no place for them? I believe American as a society is definitely culturally and economically collapsing now. I'm not sure we will get a black swan event like a giant war or anything else to push us over the cliff, but there's a slow collapse now happening. You see the rot all over the place though they are trying to "hide it" and they deny it. Talking about these things is risky. Cognitive dissonance can get people angry at you, if you talk about this stuff. Some are feeling the effects of the "collapse" a lot sooner then others. 

The blog author wrote a second part to this article called:

The White Ghost Dance

He has nailed the effects of the neo-liberalism, prison-industrial complex,  the scapegoating of minority groups, the oppression of the working class and the dog eat dog ethos of this society. Make sure you read the whole thing it's very worthwhile.

The old Soviet model suppressed “free speech” and locked dissidents up in gulags. Under the American model, you’re “free” to say whatever you like, because it makes no difference whatsoever to the people in charge thanks to the influence of the mainstream media. And instead of gulags, “undesirables” are just deprived of the means of subsistence until they just sort of, you know, go away. Or maybe they are arrested for some sort of imaginary “crime” like drug possession or failing to pay a parking ticket. Even homelessness is a crime now. As Goethe said, “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”