Thursday, May 5, 2016
They Want You To Feel Like You are Never Good Enough
Joan covered this topic:
The Challenge of Being Enough
And I wanted to as well....
"So just by realizing that it is foolish to even think in terms of trying to impress the narcs in the world. It really don't matter to them. To have something very impressive is ok, but only if you want it. Not because you feel forced to keep up with this crazy society. To me, some money in your pocket is much better. But some people buy and buy and buy, and they live stone cold broke with good money, where they could live well. Just to impress, I don't know, but all this stuff, to me. is meaningless."
One main difference between normal people with consciences and the narcissists, is the narcissists think they are perfect. They don't worry about people liking them, or being approved of. Often they are setting the standards now by how people are being measured in our crazy society. Joan is right it's a competition to nowhere. What if this stuff is meaningless to you as a person? It is to me.
Grow up as a scapegoat where your faults are always shoved in your face night and day, and be unloved and told you aren't good enough over and over, what toll does that take? It sets us up to live a life where we are always worried about pleasing others and some self appointed powers instead of ourselves.
Even now as I try to meet people sometimes I still slip into the people pleasing mode. Being fat in this society too adds the pressure to "be more than" with the taint of being told you must make excuses for existing at all. I believe if I can break out of this, it will improve my life by quite a bit.
Others are quiet and not busy with smiles or having to try so hard. Sometimes I think just go somewhere, "Don't try. Just be there. Don't bother cloaking or trying to appear like an outgoing person." Why must I always worry about the feelings of everyone else in the room? It's time to worry about my own feelings. Seeking approval is the surest way to bring the predators out. How can I get to the place where I can just be and not worry about "being somebody"? I am trying to retrain my mind.
People who had loving families have a foundation that was secure. This is lacking for the ACON recovering scapegoat. I thought about this, how they were loved just for being. They didn't have to bring narcissistic supply. They were worthy for just being a human baby. They were loved. They didn't have to constantly bend over backwards or seek to impress. They could just be. This is a secure foundation that can build a lot better life and better relationships with others.
How does one replace that? I believe if I had not found love early at the age of 25, I would have died. I remember thinking in my early 20s, I can find someone who loves me. I thought at the time, "He is out there." I know that sounds weird. It helped me not give up.
One bad thing about this not being loved, is it can impact one's relationship with God. I know intellectually and faith wise that God loves me but do I feel it? Not always. There's times I feel like God hates me or has the same rejecting attitudes towards me. After Aunt Scapegoat died, I have been struggling. This is a bad thing for a born again Christian to admit, but it has happened. Here I have to depend on God's Word and not places my own mind goes. ACONs can struggle spiritually, with parents telling us we were never good enough, where even God Himself is only seen as a severe judge and never as a good loving Father. Even the churches are imposing society's rules on more then God's. Remember Jesus Himself warned of the oppressive burdens of the Pharisees as a weight on everyone's back. I'll take God's demands over a bunch of narcissists.
I know to survive, I have to stop listening to people who focus on my faults or what they perceive as my faults. My happiness gets destroyed when I am told, "You are not good enough" over and over. Its time to bow out of the contest. Who are we all competing for to be the richest, and thinnest? The devil? The corporations that just want to make money as we people buy things to fix imperfections? I took a beating at some of those Lipedema health boards, shamed again as the supposedly "overeating" fatty that doesn't want to put the effort in. I get the feeling there's low stage Lipedema women there who all think they are scum for not being thin and "normal", A 500lb person can't take on that sort of baggage especially with people who aren't disabled and have near normal mobility.
In the family, I took the mental beating for years as the "loser" that didn't make enough money, and was too fat, and "weird". I think of the people where there's been severed relationships with. The catfish even acted like she was better then me and had "all the answers" but according to her story she was totally bed-bound and couldn't even walk, how does that work? You're more messed up than me but supposedly you have all the answers and can tell me what to do think, do and be? That goes for some others who judged from on high but who had serious, serious problems of their own. Even with my family judging me, I didn't choose to get these diseases, or for people behind desks to do thumbs down on my husband. Some of them even for all their money were really messed up with eating disorders, and unfaithful relationships and supposedly I'm the one with all the problems because I'm fat?
I got another "dead card", this one wishing me a "very happy anniversary". I just read them and toss them now. There's no real relationship with someone who just looks at your faults, and believes they are perfect. When a relationship has no vulnerability in it or any true sharing, then there's no relationship. In one way all narcissists are strangers to everyone. No person inside. The creeps on those other blogs all making excuses for narcissists, all act like they are judge and jury too. Like they can determine people's growth. Who made them God? I see people uninterested in growing at all. They boast of their evil deeds with glee. One of those main bloggers is hanging out and supporting a blog where psychopathy is CELEBRATED. They support a blogger full out who loves being a psychopath and has embraced the "condition". How is that growth unless Satan is your director?
I remember a woman too who took a jaundiced eye at people in a support group and said, "People here have not grown". Her life history was far from perfect. She boasted of professional jobs to come. Well I already had some in my 20s. She looked down her nose at me. Be careful of the self-appointed gurus who claim to have all the answers or who think they are better then you. I don't trust the jerks who speak to me of "personal growth" and who have claimed they are shining stars of it. Often you are looking at narcissists.
"Ill never be who and what they want" and even if I lost all my extra weight or got rich, etc, it still wouldn't be good enough and now I'm pissed from being put under constant measure. I'm sick of it. I sometimes think of these requirements I'm under. All numbers. Perfect blood sugars? Well being up for two hours in the middle of the night to help my husband fix a computer problem meant a messed up blood sugar this morning. Not losing weight? Well the fridge is full of boiled eggs, vegetables, lean proteins, and boxes of salad greens and I'm staying fat. Other numbers denote bad credit, piling bills, and money that is always lacking. We have become a society enslaved to numbers. The bean counters don't just bury our wallets in the numbers now they want your soul too and they have many people's souls. The narcissists love this stuff, after all they are the ones who have helped to set it up!
They are beating people with the measuring sticks in society. The mostly a-religious society that has turned perfect health, finances and house decor into a religion. Measure up! There's a reason so many reality shows have THREE JUDGES judging cooking, clothes, and songs. Just like the Inquisition, with three judges saying "Yes or No". "Please like me", we see so many on TV exclaiming. Rebellion has been beaten out of the human populace. Even in Hunger Games, they still played the game instead of saying "NO".
It's living life under the endless expectations, that instead of being based in the true desire for someone to have a better life are more based in oppression. Having things expected of you, that you cannot do. People who are sick in this society have to learn to say no, or we will die. They always want more.
As I wrote to Joan, this society has gotten so judgmental. Everything's a contest, and we always have to worry about doing everything "right" and no one gets to enjoy life anymore. Even fun itself and living life has become a contest on Facebook, to compare who has the happiest life. The powers that be have made everyone into scrurrying around, scared slaves, who think "we are never good enough". I see it all around me. What's so perfect about these false judges? Do we want to match the celebrities who while they seem to have it all, like Prince, always seem to die young of drug abuse and other problems? Maybe in their case, they get hooked on drugs to keep the fast pace going. Human beings have their limitations.
Life has become a big show-off instead of people living just to live. This is how narcissists live. Do they really enjoy their money? As mentioned by Joan, no they really don't. Most sacrifice everything including integrity for it. Narcissists never can just take a look at art, or a bird or enjoy those things. Those are things that take one away from producing and the achievement treadmill. I watched narcissists who made far more money then me, never have any fun or enjoy any of it. So if you decide to compete, realize what you are getting yourself into!
Vacations seemed more taken for the pictures and the telling rather then the experience of it all. Nature does bore them. What's next, they ask? They are always running from one thing to the next. They exhaust me. They get bored by hobbies and things you have loved for an entire life, and preach "Move on!" "Grow!" "Compete!" They get out the spreadsheets and compare numbers. They strap on Fibits and feel proud. They measure their pounds lost and compare credit scores. God, they are boring!
It creeped me out how my own family never understood my art or things I liked. My enthusiasms bored them as I was not adding to my status or theirs. I've noticed with the Trophy Children phenomenon, it sure brings a lot of conformity. Breeding itself made a contest in the land of the supposedly free. Are any millennials rebelling against the system anymore? They seem to want to fit in at all costs. That worries me.
There's no art, no soul, no beauty of the sunset. What are their brains filled with? They don't appreciate anything. All they care about is the contest. The winning. What do they win but a vacation to hell and a dead conscience?
So what use is the approval treadmill to me or you? No use at all.