favoritism: fostering abuse for everyone in the family, and why a narcissistic parent favors and loves the golden child most, and what it does to the whole family
This is one of the best articles, I've seen on the dynamics of golden children.
"A bully golden has been taught how to abandon when it suits him, and if the couple's lives become at all stressful by hearing anything remotely unflattering, they abandon just as their narc parent did. Narcs aren't naturally imbued with care, concern and compassionate responses (except what they can fake); they are used to taking from others, exploiting the services of others, leaving others high and dry in deplorable emotional states often over inconsequentials (not enough flattery, not enough praising, not enough pining, "that look on your face", anything insubordinate) and stealing if they can get away with it. They get off on the suffering of others to win what they want, they get off on delegating the hard work to others in the family (power trip), they get off on the threats and what it does to their victims. Being fair, gracious, good, honest and caring doesn't mean much to them, only insipid pastimes do: leisure, pampering, flattery, status, power trips, gambling of some sort, arrogance, keeping up appearances, and continually comparing themselves to others.
The narc parent has spent their life threatening and punishing others, so the tables are turned by the very child who should have been grateful for having been so adored, favored and spared the punishments. But unfortunately, that is usually not how it works: the bigger lesson the golden took away was not how to be grateful, but how to bully and exploit others to get what you want. Their whole lives are built around it, they have used it most of their lives, and they pass it on to their golden child, and he with his golden child, and so on and so on ... down through the generations"
The narc parent has spent their life threatening and punishing others, so the tables are turned by the very child who should have been grateful for having been so adored, favored and spared the punishments. But unfortunately, that is usually not how it works: the bigger lesson the golden took away was not how to be grateful, but how to bully and exploit others to get what you want. Their whole lives are built around it, they have used it most of their lives, and they pass it on to their golden child, and he with his golden child, and so on and so on ... down through the generations"
I told one of my friends once, my mother will be in for it one day if she lives long enough and becomes very elderly. Even one of my best friend's very wealthy mother's became dependent on her near the end. A golden child narcissist isn't going to have compassion, empathy, and care for an elderly parent. They invest themselves totally in this one child, the one they use for supply and to show off with them but sometimes it bites them back in the end.
I was my mothers Golden Child and I call it like being Hitlers most favored Jew.
ReplyDeleteYes that sums up the golden child position. Some flip flop from golden to scapegoat and back and forth too.
DeleteWe were flip flopped on the golden child status, but it wasn't a position you got to keep for very long. Something would always set mother off. The golden child of the moment would not be able to maintain the status.
ReplyDeleteMy brother got secondary golden child status but would be flipped back into scapegoat on her whims. My sister never got sent to scapegoat status but would be ignored more on rare occasion. I think it just taught her to be enslaved to mommy more. Yeah some can't maintain the status.
DeleteMost of these narc parents see the love, care and concern of the scapegoated child as weakness. But their contempt doesn't stop them from exploiting that child. In some weird way I think they respect the me first attitude and devious exploitations of the golden child. After all, they are narcissists too so they identify with the GC's selfish behavior. And as long as the GC throws them a narc kibble every once and while the GC's callousness doesn't seem to be an issue. The narc parent and golden child seem to have an agreement between them: feed my delusions and you can have whatever you want. It's a mutual user society.
ReplyDeleteI agree they see our feelings, love, concern and conscience as weakness. I have realized having emotions at all in my family is seen as "weakness" and only the "winners" count. I think my mother identified with my sister's coldness, and they were one of a kind. My sister's severe illness as a very young child probably helped to cement some of the future sociopathy--trained not to complain kind of thing. Here weird severe asthma attacks where she didn't cry for any help, or have any anxiety weird me out to this day. It's not even natural for a human to be short on oxygen and not exhibit anxiety. Of course my early breathing problems and reaction to them were seen as weakness as well. Yes they are one of a kind, and if the GC throws them some supply or obeys their every word then the relationship is even more cemented. I think the GC callousness would only hit home, if the parental narc is weakened and very old and in need of care. They don't love each other not at all. My sister complained about my mother not be able to hear like my mother was out to personally offend her. One day her mutual sociopath society may bit back.
DeleteI was a GC for years until I was 17 and it was obvious that I did not grow up to be a narc. One of my sisters had a GC status when I started to rebel, but her status did not last long enough since she was not a narc. Today, my adopted narc mother has no GC since my siblings and I were adopted kids who could not and would not meet her narc supplies nor became narc adults.
ReplyDeleteHer well-to-do nephew and niece are narcs so they might be her GCs by proxy. They graduated from Stanford and Sarah Lawrence College, universities that are more expensive than Harvard. Today, they are working for a government and a law firm respectively, and were able to keep their jobs longer. They show-off and play modesty for attention and respect. I could see dead eyes and self-righteousness in their faces when I see pictures. They lock their Facebook page or deny people to send them friend requests. I know since I Googled them and checked on their Facebook pages.
I found out that my adopted sister, a former GC, lost her two children to adoption and have two adult children who are friends with my adopted narc mother in Facebook but not with her. My sister pours out her heart in pain and my adopted narc mother did not click likes or sad face reaction clicks, and she did not make comments in support. I was appalled. My adopted siblings and I did not become overly critical, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, cold people malignant narcs so none of my adopted siblings and I did not have similar life experiences or mentality as my adopted narc mother and her nephew and niece. I remember my sister and I did not get along with each other when we were GCs but we did not become narc adults who would hurt others. I think having other adults raising us before we were adopted helped us to avoid being malignant narcissists.
Yes it sounds like you were a GC for a very short time, and if you do not turn into a narcissist yourself, maybe a GC will lose status then or be treated like a scapegoat. I wonder if her niece and nephew are GCs by proxy too, are they involved in her life very much? She could use them for some bragging rights. What about the sibling who is their mother. Sorry they have the self righteousness and meanness. It is sad even our adopted sister had her children stolen away from her by your adoptive narc mother. The narcissists will do that. I do not know how they pull it off but they did. It is sad how she pours her heart out and no one cares, but this is what happens to those who are scapegoat. it seems narcissists even are able to stop all empathy and compassion in others. I think your influences from other adults probably prevented you from becoming a malignant narcissist and I am glad you did not become one.
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