Sunday, May 22, 2016

My Mother's Second Daughter




I had an old school chum on Facebook I thought had no more contact with my sister and mother. I thought wrong.

Yesterday I kicked her to the curb on Facebook, unfriended and blocked her immediately. She probably was serving as a spy too. She was an old friend of my sister and I hung out with her too on occasion in high school.  I believed wrongly her contact with my sister and mother had become very minimal since this was someone I knew in the 1980s and early 1990s. I should have remembered Queen Spiders never leave loose ends.

My sister never posted on her Facebook wall even when I was in contact with her. However my sister's daughter the one who refused to befriend me on Facebook befriended her which gave me a clue something was off. For the old school chum, let's call her Betsy for now, that's not her real name of course.

One of my friend's on Facebook showed me a public post where my mother wrote Betsy, on her facebook wall. Since I had my mother blocked long ago, I did not see this before. This friend wanted me to know that the Betsy was not a safe person for me to be friends with on Facebook. I am glad I saw this though it was painful.

My mother wrote in 2015: "You Haven't Changed a Bit, Oh, you are now my second daughter."

Betsy: "AWESOME, [name of my mother] I've moved up!"


I had some memories return and one of those was that my parents both loved Betsy. Betsy was one of those sunny type personalities. My parents loved her so much that in high school, they would refer to her as their "second daughter". Now consider that, since there was two girls in my family.

Betsy would come bouncing into the room and joke and call my mother and father, her parents.  She would joke about being their daughter. They would hug her, laugh at her jokes and tell her what a great person she was. My mother used to put me down and say "Why can't you be more like Betsy? She is friendly and happy unlike you!" My father would even fawn over her, saying "Betsy is a great person, I love to have her around!" They always had presents and gag gifts for each other. Betsy never saw my parents yell or cuss each other out, they put on the best face for her. My mother would sneer, mumble and complain even in front of a very rich college friend, but when it came to my sister's friends, they were her instant best buddies.

Betsy is a person of low moral character. I always found her dating life weird, she married a man who was 65 years old when she was in her late twenties. Even my mother and sister behind her back later made snide comments about her choosing such old men at a young age. She was infertile but seemed to be wanting to look for a Daddy figure. Maybe a sugar daddy? Anyhow her first husband got older and poorer and she cheated to get a second one, in that she had her replacement so quickly she never had to live on her own as she got divorced and moved in with her ex-husband's replacement who was closer in age to her, but still 13-14 years older. This stuff was weird, but who spends time analyzing friendly school acquaintances online. I didn't have the time.

I believe Betsy is a narcissist too. I have no doubt of this now. You think about someone who writes and supports a sociopath doing a "daughter discard". That is not normal either. These are some sickos. Betsy ironically was close to her own mother who died around 6 years ago. Her wall was full of memorials to loving mothers. Her father died young, but perhaps when it came to my parents, she found like dark soulmates to be at one with. Betsy has never wanted for a job or a dollar just like my mother. She loves to bowl, and is very popular and has the nickname of "Cooter" among other friends.

This exchanged bothered me greatly. I was shaking with anger, and had to talk myself out of more kiss-off letters to various people though I told this one a few things as I walked out the door. No one who has ever known my mother in the last 50 years or met her in a room even once is a safe person and that makes me sad. The plate is being wiped completely clean. When I pondered this situation more, I used to get very depressed when Betsy visited. Today I understand why. I used to think she is so nice, why do you feel so bad around her? Well there's a reason I felt so bad. She had no problem sabotaging me behind the scenes at my mother's direction even many years later. She was a two faced traitor.

I have realized some of the depths of my abuse, and it's hard working my way out out of some of these things. Undoing these decades of damage is tough.  I had no chance being smashed down behind the scenes. Remember this was done in public so imagine what would be done behind the scenes. Socially I feel more uneasy then I did even as a teenager. No contact has changed my personality and it has continued even three years later. The other day, I had the fleeting thought that someone new did not like me, because they were not talking to me in front of a group of people, and geared myself saying, "You must not care anymore if people don't like you!" "It is a trap you must escape!". 

 My mother has been doing anything and anything to crush me behind the scenes, and did it with everyone she came in contact with.  I used to think "Oh I am being paranoid!" to think anyone she had talked to had been poisoned against me but it's true, absolutely true. She talked everyone else into sharing her opinion of me that I meant nothing and was nothing. Her ways of turning me into "nothing" to others were never-ending.

The years of being devalued and invalidated have taken a massive toll, and I know my mother got so many to join in with her, it is disgusting.  Remember Smakintosh's video Familial Sabotage of the Narcissistic Parent? In my case, not one family member, not one family friend, not one school chum or anyone who has ever met my parents or mother was left untouched. I have had over 40 relationships affected, where my mother's side was overtly chosen. Some condemned me for no contact and some relationships were poisoned far earlier. Yes I know that is a lot of people. If I didn't know how narcissists and sociopaths operated, there is no way I could have coped with so many betrayals.

This "second daughter" comment, is more evidence that I did not come out of Queen Spider's womb.

I really was surrounded by evil people.



18 comments:

  1. I am 90 percent sure your mother is doing this on purpose, just to hurt you. She would have known you had contact with that person. She would have known you saw it. I would not want to be called someone's second daughter when they have two daughters. It is sick that she likes it. Isn't that just something, the narc parents comparing us to someone else. One time when I was in grade school, my friend spent the weekend with us. We got into an argument and the foo took her side ignored me for the whole day and called me names, including mother. Please don't take these things to heart, they are greedy, selfish disgusting critters who are only out for some kind of revenge, which doesn't exist. They only want to get "even" although its weird, and don't make any sense. I knew my mother was this way.

    As far as them asking why were you so sad around her? That to me, means they were milking you for all they could get out of you. That supply.

    I mean I really see it all this way.

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    1. I think so too. She would have known I had contact with her. She did try to seek out others who ignored her after I went NC. If she wants to "whine" about losing a "daughter", then look at what she did right there. It is sick they both like it. So sorry your friend had your foo on it's side while betraying you. I agree they are selfish, greedy and disgusting. The blackness of their hearts is more then evident. The getting even is weird. Remember I left her that email, saying if you ever want to talk to me for real you can. It never happened. She's more busy wanting to destroy me behind the scenes. Nothing would change that, that's been her whole life. I believe they were milking me for supply and both parties were probably even playing up the closeness kind of like an act for the supply. It's sick.

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  2. Your "mother's second daughter" sounds like a bitch who reminded me of several girls that my adopted mother used to mention when she was angry that I cried or complained about her abuses. She said somewhat similar things about "cheerful" girls who never complain and who were nothing like me. When I became an adult, I checked on these girls from time to time. Throughout the years, it became apparent that my adopted narc mother liked them, because they were budding narc children who became malignant narc women. Both of them worked in a social services or teaching fields where they are dealing with special needs children or adults. Both of them are married, have graduated from the school of social worker and/or the school of education for their license. They are not my friends.

    I'm surprised you had been friends with Betsy in your Facebook account until yesterday. I don't have somebody like Betsy in my friend list. One woman like Betsy rejected my friend request 3 years ago because I confronted her years ago for telling me that she hoped I would be open to reunite with my adopted narc mother someday. She was very condescending so I pointed that out in an email.

    Betsy sounds like a nasty piece of work if she dumped a poor man for a man who had more money. I feel sorry for both foolish men who found narc women attractive. It was a good thing she did not have children. I'm sure she would have been a narc mother if she was given a chance to become a master. Remember, some people should not have children. Our narc "mothers," somebody like Betsy, and parents who beat up on their children are examples.

    I hope you will clean out your friend list so you will not have spies, two-faced people, mutual friends with your narc "mother," and people who disrespect you. I'm glad you got rid of Betsy and hope you will find more of two-faced people to clean out. Sorry you had been hurt by cruel people. I'm praying for you.

    I agree you got another sign that the Queen spider did not carry you for nine months and hope you will find your real mother.

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    1. Yes she is just like those other phony friends you had runninggal. Praising "cheerful" girls who are positive supply for narcs. Of course it never connected that those who are treated like dirt will never be "cheerful". I agree those girls were never your friends and were just budding cheerful narcs.

      Betsy is one that got away I guess, I had cleaned out so many people. Now I know why my mother has no hobbies, she doesn't have the time. I plan to go over my friends list with a fine tooth comb. The old school chums, I may have to put on a restricted list. I got rid of anyone who was friends with my mother, I know I overlooked this person just due to time passed.
      I agree some children were spared, by not having her as a mother.

      This one was nice to my face but her glaring disrespect was revealed to the max. Thanks for saying you agree this is another sign that Queen Spider did not give birth to me. I wish I had been able to find my real mother.


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  3. It's nauseating to watch people place the utmost respect for the sanctity of their relation ship with their mother when I know they used my mother and our family as toilet paper.

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    1. It is, it describes this woman completely too.

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  4. Sometimes I wonder if these monkeys are aware that they are being used by the person siphoning information from them. I read all the sanctity of motherhood garbage and I don't know if people are aware that to the narc it's a zero sum game. That the more they schmoozed my mother the less my mother felt obligated to do the right thing. I mean most of the people I am referring to have a normal relationship with a normal mother. I don't know how much they know about my crazy mother. All the criminal activity etc. I am sure my ex never mentioned it. Can you imagine if she told my story of suicides and murders and then capped it off with "then I hustled his mother out of the farm money his grandmother intended for him and his sister". Believe it or not the money is of less consequence than the thought behind it all. If she really thought she was doing the right thing to cheat us she is really the perfect beast. Que sara sara it's over, she's dead, and nothing will change that.

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    1. I don't think most of the monkeys care, they are narcissists too or coverts and well they glory in the attentions of the top narcissist. Narcissists are name-droppers and butt-kissers and boot-lickers when it serves them. Yeah the mother hood garbage, it is a zero sum game. The family I left behind none of them care about each other. I suspect it will break up even more with every passing year. My sister's kids have nothing to do with my brother's kids. I don't think they even barely know one another. It's not like the old days where cousins met. I think most of the people were in the dark about your crazy mother, how could they not be. Your ex kept her mouth shut to help advance her special friendship with that 'sweet little ole lady' who was a monster in disguise. Everyone thinks my mother is sweet, "she makes nice food, look she brought us a present and made Texas sheet cake, that daughter of hers who left is no good..." I think of the sheer numbers of people who back stabbed me like this creep, it was so many. if I am in the world with a darker view of humanity, why wouldn't I have one?

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  5. I was looking for a poem for a friend this morning and I came across this poem by Alice Walker that I thought you might really like. It is called"Never give your heart to someone who eats hearts". Google it and the word "poem" and you will come up with some blogs that have it.
    Hope you like!

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    1. Good poem, thanks....

      Never offer your heart to someone who eats hearts

      Never offer your heart

      to someone who eats hearts

      who finds heartmeat

      delicious

      but not rare

      who sucks the juices

      drop by drop

      and bloody-chinned

      grins

      like a God.



      Never offer your heart

      to a heart gravy lover.

      Your stewed, overseasoned

      heart consumed

      he will sop up your grief

      with bread

      and send it shuttling

      from side to side

      in his mouth

      like bubblegum.



      If you find yourself

      in love

      with a person

      who eats hearts

      these things

      you must do:



      Freeze your heart

      immediately.

      Let him – next time

      he examines your chest –

      find your heart cold

      flinty and unappetizing.



      Refrain from kissing

      lest he in revenge

      dampen the spark

      in your soul.



      Now,

      sail away to Africa

      where holy women

      await you on the shore –

      long having practiced the art

      of replacing hearts

      with God

      and Song.

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  6. I've disconnected as much as I can without going off the grid completely. I guess one day someone will wonder what happened to me and someone else will say he went to S***t and the hogs ate him. They can put that on my tombstone except I am being cremated. I am in the process of making sure my body go's to science and I can save my wife that little bit of money too. I don't care anymore.

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    1. Your wife needs you, we need you, and I'm scared of something happening to you guys.

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    2. I feel the way Joan does, hope you can get through as long as possible. I worry about you. Understand donating your body to science. Being ill, I know society forgets you even exist.

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  7. Peep - What your mother did to you, what ALL MN spider mothers do to those who see right through them and don't play along with their false personas, and who try to keep them accountable for their abusive actions to not only us but to others as well,is a kin to total annihilation, plain and simple.

    We are all living testimonies to this, and we will never ever get over it. That's why you blog, and Ollie and Smack do their video thing, and the sea of people like myself who search the endless internet obsessively adrift on the riptide subject of malignant narcissism, particularly in regards to mothers/fathers/siblings.

    It's the ultimate betrayal, isn't it? Not to minimize Jesus' ultimate betrayal at all, God forbid, but how much worse would it had been if His betrayer unto the most brutal death that night in the Garden of Gethsemane was Mary, Joseph or his 1/2 siblings instead of a new, shady, tag-a-long friend named Judas of Iscariot?

    Continue

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    1. I agree it is total annihilation. I mentioned some of this at a self help group but not who could understand this. I told my husband it is like she turned me into "NOTHING" and got others to accept the "NOTHINGNESS" too like that creep Betsy. It did bring back some memories in a flood too, and I think about the invisibility that was foisted on me even when I was around these people and how I was so ignored. She wanted to annihilate me very early one. Even the sickening second daughter stuff points to something funny with my origins, I am supposed to be the "first daughter" via what I have been told.

      I agree, I don't think there is ever getting over it, and the people who say Move On and the rest, never could imagine what this is like, they weren't destroyed by their own kinfolk, they always had someone who had their back, they didn't spend decades with a monster in human form destroying every relationship they had behind the scenes, family friends, neighbors and more.

      It is the ultimate betrayal, no doubt of it. Let's see 40 people or so I am nothing to. Yes how much worse if His Mary and the half siblings were joined with Judas at the hip and helping him out. With our families, they'd all be sharing the bag of silver and cheering.

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  8. For years, Peep, my large extended family, friends, neighbors, etc. started giving me a look that resembles a dog confused, you know, that perplexed, side head-tilt look. It's like they are trying to match up the person standing in front of them to the person they possibly hated without fully knowing. Got a lot of this in my lifetime. It's creepy as hell.

    When I moved back in 2004 to where my FOO lived after 4 years away, my life took a dramatic turn for the worse so much so that I'm still recovering till this day. My life goes pre-2004 and post-2004.

    One month before my official move in April 2004, I drove the 4 hours to visit my parents. On Sunday, while having coffee at their dining room table, my half-brother who is 19 years older than me shows up at my parents' house mad as hell. This is how it went behind my back. My mom set a trap with her step-son. He is short of a sociopath. Married 4x, charmer, bad temper, emotionally abandoned his children, checkerboard past. In short, I don't know him as he is 19 years older than me. Deductive reasoning would strongly suggest that anything I had bad to say was based on my parents' comments over the years and seeing his antics myself on occasion, on those rare times he was around. Anywho, he showed up mad as hell wanting to confront me for the things I told my mother. Apparently, he was calling them all weekend trying to locate me. My parents had to set me up, had to tell him I was there. My husband wasn't home with me that weekend. I felt ambushed. Instead of throwing my mother and father under the bus, I stood behind whatever he said I said. I did take issues with some things, and told him.

    This was the beginning. I didn't know I was being thrown to the wolves to be devoured, set-up. I was in a total trap and didn't know it. I had projected my love and natural affection for my parents onto myself too, and just assumed that they felt the same about me as I for them. I would have never with malice try to hurt my parents. Even now, all I want is the truth (those family secrets) to be exposed so I can complete the fragmented puzzle, which is my life. I don't want any harm or destruction to come their way, just the truth/secrets of what I went through and why to come out so I can finally say - "I'm not the crazy one."

    My mother's best friend was the wife of a retired police captain. They were murdered by a family member. I read an online comment on this news story from someone who knew this family years ago. I even wrote it down so that I always had it - one of those puzzle pieces, I guess.

    continue

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    1. Oh I know that look well, I wondered why I was so hated and rejected. To be frank, it was not until I was away at college, that people started talking to me and treating me normally. I had a rule by age 21, never to live in a town that had a relative in it. Yes that whole look, of disgust and disdain, wrinkled up noses in the air. I had a lot of people hate me I never got in one argument or had one beef with, like the cousins who refused to befriend me on Facebook, like other relatives who would even turn aside when I tried to talk to them at family events. Sorry you went through this too. Decades of this wears down a persons self esteem with REJECTION flashing. Even with Betsy, never had one cross word until the very end but she hated me at the behest of my mother without one hesitation and probably has for years.

      So sorry your life went bad in 2004, I understand those nexus years where things can turn bad. 2007 was our year of collapse.

      It sounds like with the brother you were a victim of triangulation. So yeah you didn't throw your parents under the bus. I am sorry you entered a trap. I definitely know what that is like. Poison chess where they stab you in the back.

      Not surprised at you writing down online communication. Sometimes online now is where you will find more real information then you will from the lying and withholding families. I found out family secrets via the Internet. I can't write some here, though there's ones sporadically mentioned. I still try to figure out what happened to the uncle supposedly murdered three weeks before I was born. I didn't know the timing. They kept that one under their hats for some odd reason. If the Mormons didn't have the death record, I don't think the guy would even had existed. No death records in the newspapers or anywhere else. So I understand those puzzle pieces.

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    2. I found one relative on a message boards, where my worse suspicions about them were confirmed. They must have drunk-dialed the internet that day. I think old age has slowed them down, but they were as gross and morally degenerate as I expected.

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