Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Guest Blogger: Danielle, Dealing With Cushings Weight Gain

As I have been sharing the outcomes of my past 400lb weight gain, webwide I have met others who have suffered severe weight gains and the outcomes of endocrine illness.  Danielle is a blogger who has faced the severe outcomes of Cushings Disease on her blog Life with Cushings. For many years I did seek support with the Cushings community although I was diagnosed with pseudo Cushings [high cortisol] and severe PCOS, there are many of the same problems and symptoms. When I was in the Cushings community online, many relayed stories of how doctors considered them liars and they had diagnosis delayed. Others still wrote about how previous friends, family members and others treated them differently for their weight. Those who suffer other endocrine problems such as hypothyroidism and other conditions that affect weight also too face these things. The Cushings community offered me much support and information even on my thyroid and other problems and helped keep me going. Danielle's experience regarding her weight gain and what she went through, I relate so much too! So I wanted to share her story and pictures---She is a brave young woman! Thanks so much Danielle!

I was a happy, healthy, active, tall, and thin child.  When I was 22, I was diagnosed with Cushing’s Disease.  Cushing’s diseased is caused by a tumor in the pituitary gland that causes your body to produce too much of a hormone called cortisol, which helps your body respond to stress.  Cushing’s caused me to gain over 130lbs on my slim frame, and I topped out at 285lbs.  When I was obese, it was because of an endocrine disease that could have cost me my life, but people that didn’t know me, didn’t know that.  They just saw me as another obese person in an obese nation.

I remember seeing people that I went to high school with, and they would either pretend not to know who I was when I smiled and waved, or quickly turn away and pretend not to know me.  I could tell strangers would stare at me when I walked by, and coworkers assumed I overate like the rest of them.  But I rarely ate fast-food.  I rarely overate.  

I would never get any interest from guys.  My college friends would go out every weekend night and I would stay in, because I couldn’t bear the walk downtown.  I would drive to class, because the cost of getting a ticket was easier than the stares when I sat in class trying to catch my breath for 10 minutes. 

I even found a letter from my freshman year roommate, telling a friend that she hoped I would drop dead of a heart attack from eating too much because I was so disgusting.  

After two brain surgeries and a bilateral adrenalectomy, I am now back to "normal" size at 170lbs and 5’8”.  I never get those looks anymore.  I get more attention from guys.  I don’t feel the stares behind my back.  I don’t get harassed as much at work.  But why?  Why do I deserve these basic rights as a thin person more than a fat person?  

It’s sad when you’re fighting for your life, but your biggest concern is if someone will bring you to tears over a comment or a look, just because of your weight. It’s not fair.

Expressive Arts Therapy and Public Speaking

I have been doing public speaking with a local self-help group and getting better at it. I was a teacher in my past but as the years went by of disability and more isolation, I saw myself as being incapable of speaking before adults. Now I am capable of doing some public speaking which is a good development for me, and something I never imagined me doing.

One challenge was to put myself out there and at least speak to this club on a myriad of issues. I've done two speeches this month, one on loneliness and how to deal with it, and another one on Poetry Therapy. Here I had the folks use stem sentences to trigger thoughts and sensory poems with lines like "Happiness feels like", "Happiness sounds like"_____ fill in the blank. Both went pretty well, husband helped with the second. I did have my days where I did some art therapy and was an art teacher. I worked under a psychologist and was trained in various aspects of art therapy. There were parts of that I liked, and in my volunteer work, I have been able to use some of what I was educated in. I did love these fields, even  if I later ended up poor and sick, I think my interest in art therapy and other expressive therapies will remain life long.

I do hope I can build my confidence back up. I am an almost 500lb woman out there working on my communication and confidence skills. Even if I am sick, I do want to give what I can to others and to my community during times when I can get out.

Staying Away From Toxic People

What if the toxic people are your relatives? I have realized while I have been ostracized, and put down and mocked, that the doing was not my own. See this article and this one too.  Sometimes personality disordered people will scapegoat a child and then a grown adult person who usually tends to be the more sensitive, "feeling" or vulnerable in the bunch, and malign them behind the scenes. Let's just say artists weren't the norm in my family. Respect disappears and love is a fore-gone long gone conclusion. I am working now to stay away from people who are disrespectful and unhealthy for me and maybe this is why I have been staying home from the few large family events I've been invited to besides the usual money and other problems in getting there and keeping the most minimal contact with others.

The other day, I had a cousin mock me on Facebook for sincerely held beliefs, it's scary when the poison infuses so much through the family system. Even if you challenge someone like that, they will call you "paranoid" or will gaslight you as they spend time insulting you. After all they saw others do it for years when you were young, until you got smart and old enough to start defending yourself. One can end overt abuse which I managed in my 20s but the covert stuff is a bit different. In fact I guaranteed myself a distant place within the family system for saying "This is wrong"! One thing I saw others destroyed by their abuse, one relative has become a shell of a person who never "rebelled" like me. This is to tell you how bad it was. One aspect of my personality, I am a truth-teller and perhaps this was the crucible it was born in.

While my memories of this particular cousin are positive and of a loving person, it's like that person disappeared. He became like the others. I do believe that can happen, children learn from what they watch, but for some of us, we become something different. I do not know how to explain it. That is the best way I can explain it. It's a disappointment but there is no choice, I have to walk away. Sometimes you waste time fighting with people who will never understand and refuse to understand. At least now I am smart enough to cut it off a lot quicker!

There are many people in this world who do not care about, love or attach to others in a normal way. I had the door kicked open in understanding this, and their influence on my life, even learning online and studying about how they operate acouple years ago. It was a blessing because it lifted years of self blame. I mean what are you going to tell yourself, if  so many of your own relatives don't like you and actually hate you and or treat you badly?  What if the key word you think of is invalidation? Even if they make some appearances of civility and caring, the "mean girl" or "boy" nonsense and backstabbing never ends. You can never be vulnerable, let down your guard or make the mistake of expecting any empathy. I have realized that cousin has drank the smear-campaign Kool-Aid.

My siblings and their families are exempted here but sadly they too can influenced at times by the toxic. I love them all very much but that can get shoved behind the glass wall of the game-players and deceitful. The toxic have focused on driving every wedge possible between people. But the worse was that with these dynamics is you believe from your young days that something was wrong with you. That you are defective. This is no way to build a confident life where you can function at a good level.  And in my case add in severe health problems and other developments in life that were not of my choosing. My positive friendships, marriage and their loyalty and closeness probably saved my life even when I was in my early 20s. Even into my middle age I am having to work on healing and asking God [Psalm 68:6] where He wants me to go. This goes far beyond being a very severely overweight person, I have met and know people who are severely overweight and still loved by their relatives.

Here is the best I can do:

Saturday, April 27, 2013

I know not of this thing you speak of!

LOL This made me laugh. They act like every fat person came to earth as an alien and need to hear the news! [source]

I dyed my leg yellow!

Does anyone know if tumeric will come off?

Yeah that is my big water logged, swollen up leg, my other is only half it's size, the one prone to infection. Sigh. Not sure if the picture shows as much as the yellow as I'd like.

I got desperate from a pending leg infection, and wanted to fight it off. Doctors are worried because I am becoming allergic to too many antibiotics and well, I just had a leg infection in December.

So I made a boiled tumeric poultice, cooled it and put it on my leg and I only left it on 10 minutes. It seemed to lessen the severity and pain of the infection but I went on antibiotics anyway, because the leg infection didn't let up. Doctors allow me to have emergency antibiotic prescriptions because otherwise I'd be in the ER endless times.

But now I have a YELLOW LEG!

I read a lot on alternative remedies and use a lot that works but this one got me in trouble! I didn't expect it to stain so long, and now I wonder if my leg will be permanently YELLOW. :(

I wear long dresses so I can hide it but it freaks me out looking at it, and need to gauge the pinkness of the skin or not to see how the leg infection is doing. Well the yellow did come off my hands. I cook with tumeric, so knew it could stain but not this bad.

These folks say it will take about a week. I do shower everyday....

These leg infections scare me. I was more active, taking walks--[to lose weight] and because after months of being housebound I could go outside. I'm still going to poetry club today but will have to curtail some other activities. I don't know what I am going to do with this body!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Exercise Aversion: An Issue I want to explore

This is a bit scientifically off, but is a meme making the rounds, I suppose it is to convince people to exercise so they won't be fat and their fat will melt away or said here CRY AWAY. Some of you may remember the saying of the 1980's "NO PAIN NO GAIN!"

I have been having this thought about exercise. When I was young and even had THINNER years, and I am thinking of when I wore a woman's size 12 around the age of 12-13, I remember exercise still being hard on me. The gym teachers would say run a few laps, every  kid encounters the gym class, and the feelings of nausea and heart pounding that would hit me, still trouble me to this day. I wasn't that overweight then, I did a paper route that required at least 2 miles of bike riding up some hills, daily. But why did aerobic exercise make me feel like I was going to die? Why did it bring out panic attacks? Those could have been physiologically caused especially given the breathing problems I had by age 20 but it is something I remember. I wonder how long I was an untreated asthmatic.

The only exercise I could adapt too, was walking.  In high school I had gym class too, and there exercise made me feel horrible. One thing I was an active kid,. I hated to be still, I wanted to do things so why did exercise bother me so. Why was it so hard? Why did I feel like I was going to die? Why did the sweat make me feel sick? I would gain weight mid highschool and probably was in the overweight and not obese category by early high school but this is something I think about. One year I joined the golf team and noticed while the 18 hole walk-abouts tired me out a bit--I liked walking but noticed others seemed far more able to do things easier. They didn't get as tired and some outweighed me!

Gym teachers actually gave me high grades. I never had below a B in gym. Ok maybe no one flunks gym.  Believe it or not! They could tell I was trying. Some were concerned when they would ask the class to go run laps and they would see how ill I would get.

Why does exercise seem to be doable for some people and not for others? What would you think of my theory that exercise feels DIFFERENT for different people and well exercise aversion is a serious problem out there. What is happening to people? In my case, I tried all that bike riding, walking for miles, active jobs, even living without a car--due to poverty that required long walks to bus stops and I still got fat.

How does one overcome this exercise aversion? You know if they are serious about helping people from getting too fat and wanting them to be healthy. This is an issue that needs dealt with. I do the walking and arm/leg exercises, and I have to admit I find some of the walking pleasurable if I am having a pain-free lung happy day, but exercise in general nope! My heart rate goes up somewhat from doing this stuff, but it is not to the areobic level. One thing I am facing is that when I do a lot of walking and other "exercise", I bloat up like crazy, not sure how to deal with that. The doctors don't have an answer except more water pills and going to rest.

Some questions I have.....

Why do some people hate exercise and some people love it?

Are different bodies reacting differently to it? Are some of us not geared for it? Could this be a problem that goes along with the other metabolic and endocrine things that can even lead to obesity itself?

Why did exercise make me so ill at a young age? [it went beyond the affects of asthma, I remember getting dizzy, clammy, and the rest]

Why do some people hate to sweat?

Is it just laziness or couch-potato-itist or is something more going on?

I wonder too about movement and activity being more natural and fun years ago, and conscripted movements just not doing it for people.

I've had other young people tell me this has happened to them, that exercise made them feel bad.

What are the possibilities in changing this so exercise becomes something that is ENJOYED?

Tell me what you think, I am thinking off the top of my head here.

America The Stressed Out!

America: #1 In Fear, Stress, Anger, Divorce, Obesity, Anti-Depressants, Etc.
 Think about how our culture is now structured for the average adult: STRESS, everywhere you look--commuting in horrible traffic, as you want to scream in frustration--money stress, to pay rent/house note, tuition, utilities, gas, insurances, vacations, cable bill, rising food costs, and on and on and on--stress from family problems, divorce, delinquency, drugs, crime, infidelity, keeping up with the Jones, etc
. People have too high an expectation of what they should have out of life, and get overly stressed over it all. How does all of this manifest itself? A prescription drug culture (Zoloft, Xanax, etc.) that tricks people into thinking a pill will knock back the stress, when these drugs, in my opinion, only make things worse. 
I am hearing more and more that people just want to drop out from it all, as they are reaching a breaking point, and have decided less income and dependency on entitlements will reduce their stress, and is not so humiliating, so giving up working becomes more acceptable, to KEEP ONE’S SANITY. 
I know I am correct, from the feedback I hear every day, and the financial media does not see this like I hear it every day. People don't want to admit that they are too weak to deal with stress, so the financial pundits are not aware of this critical factor because they don't talk to Joe Sixpack.
This is a good article warning about how life is really getting in the USA. The rest of the world by the way is watching and feeling more sorry for us by the day. How do I know? I hang out in places online where I talk to them. The media here tells us how wonderful life is here, and sure technological advances at least for the rich abound,  but then some of us remember the 70s, the 80s, and how things used to be and think, HEY! I know I am not crazy to see the boat sinking!

They know this place is turning into a police state, that freedoms are being taken away and the American lifestyle has become an empty wasteland and frenzied hamsters on the wheel. Even one of the commenters from the third world had this to say.

"I'm from a third world country. Trust me on this guys. We don't have it so bad here. This is absolutely ridiculously crazy what is happening to Americans.
It is a kind of brainwashing by main stream to perpetuate the myth in first world countries that people in third world countries are suffering more than you, so shut up, take pills and get on with the mind control, 'cos there are people in third world countries suffering more than you.
That is absolutely not true. sure, we have our poverty, share of corruption, bad government etc, however, we get by to live to see our family, friends, good meals and be content with what we have. We don't live on the edge. Our daily life certainly does not involve making hard choices for every decision we have to make.
The point mentioned in the article has simply blown away a guy from even a third world country. On average I can categorically say at this point in time. Americans are suffering more than anyone else on this planet right now."

Wow I am glad that guy spoke out. Yeah shut up and take your pills and get on with the mind control. I've heard the YOU HAVE IT SO GOOD! stuff when stating that something seems wrong with the way of life here. They have put the populace in a place where they can't even question the system or what is being done with their life. Follow the carrot or else!

I am going to admit this, outside of my relationship with God and with my husband, you can add me to the list of the stressed out.  Too many losses have piled up over too many years. Does this make me a bad person? I know this is a risk in the dumbed down "Think Positive" culture that really brings people more pain when they judge them for saying the emperor is naked. Run as fast as you can! What are you nuts for saying life in America isn't the best in the world!

That connections to people are so hard to acquire that part of me just wants to give up. When you have said goodbye to so many not by choice, it adds up.  It's not that I can't make friends, but it seems that  the musical chairs just go on and on, and you end up standing alone too many times.
Maybe I have a personality that was not designed for this society. I am tired of saying Goodbye to people. I miss too many.

One thing everyone else is constantly busy and stressed out trust me they don't have time for you either. You start feeling like another "burden" on their list of things to do, but then you feel guilt yourself when someone calls you at 11pm and you are too tired to talk and you wonder if you are doing enough for your friends with your own difficulties serving as barriers. You ask yourself why are all my friends save for one, hundreds and thousands of miles away or met on the internet to begin with? Some seem to be able to do the social thing with little effort and feelings of spontaneity , I am not one of them.  You live dreaming about a world where people are connected to each other and there. You have strange dreams where you are back at a church where you felt like they were your family before economics broke it all apart.  You don't want to appear needy so you learn to spread yourself thin and keep your needs to yourself. You delve into hobbies and writing and other causes, but then you pop your head up and think "where is everyone"? You picture yourself as a bag lady alone in the street.

One cannot replace a family if one does not have one. See the picture above, there is a reason that meme on Facebook exists. How many are facing what I am? Mine only lets people in the door who have nice suburban houses and money to travel thouands of miles.  I became a throw-away person years ago, and my protests, attempts to reclaim relationships, and more failed.  I haven't seen nieces and nephews or my siblings in three years. I never could have children. No one visits me. Yeah it hurts. What can I do about it? I reached out and offered trial balloons which were only popped. I don't have the money to get to them. I wonder how many people are facing this. I can't be the only one. All those values being discarded, well there is real human costs to all that. The families breaking apart, that's not just theory to some of us, it's reality. Who convinced people that other things were so much more important? I know there's got to be others in my boat out there. You want to stay vibrant, not be a downer. Not being one of those lonely women in the corner everyone feels sorry for, but how do you suppress so many emotions successfully?

Think the wrong thoughts in America, and you are hated.  What would you think if a friend of 30 years duration turned to you and told you to keep your mouth shut about something you really believed in? This happened to me this week. Do you keep your principles or do you lose someone else? What if your principles and beliefs are not popular ones and being true to yourself means that you may be alone?  My loyalties go to God first and I am not one to sell out, but then that can be hard as well. Anyone, I mean anyone who questions the system today, there are different ways they make people pay. Anything that is non-mainstream basically where the talking heads do not give their approval is enough for you to be made into a non-person. Sometimes non-personhood can happen via many other factors. We have a society now where some are included and many are not.
Whose defending the underdog anymore? I try to.

I redid the taxes, and only will be able to take 400 dollars a $5,000 tax debt for 4-5 hours of work on complicated tax forms. Thanks to my commenter who was so helpful. I finally figured out what I was doing! There is no book to really explain all this. One or two unclaimed EIC deductions, that's it. My husband makes about the same or less then I do on disability, so you do the math on what a crushing debt this is. Add in millions with insane debts from young people with student loans that way outdistance their income or ability to pay. This is psychic damage beyond belief. Does anyone sit back and think, this is crazy! There are many silently feeling those emotions of desperation. God has made sure we have kept the food and roof over our head, but years of this does grind people down. I wonder how it will ever be paid off as they dump more penalties on our head. I feel sorry for young people today, handed false promises and then not prepared for the real life that awaits.

Life in America today seems to be one punishment after another. No school principal or crazed abusive Dad could match the butt whippings that await anyone who gets a bit short of cash in America. Some may say "Oh you have the best life, in the world, but too many goodbyes add up and the expectations mean many simply do not measure up!" What if you have values your society doesn't match? Where you feel like everything important to you is devalued. What is a person's choices then?

I think there is something to my husband and I joking about moving to Finland, or another country to try and get a better life. Maybe we know inside that things are growing worse here. It's not just the growing police state and pseudo-martial law and the constant violence which I saw way too much of in that huge metro city years ago that disturbs one's peace, but add in the crushing debt, the jobs or people that never stick around, the endless bills.

Then add in a society where it says FUN is bad, and life is supposed to be spent adhering to an endless list of check points, accomplishments, goals and BUCKET lists. "Change the world"? Some of us are too tired. LOL Ugh I hate bucket lists, just another "to do list" of show-offs to impress others in my opinion. All socially mandated things like risking one's life on a zipline or spending your children's inheritance while they struggle to pay the light bill to go on a cruise. Just more brainwashing for the masses to never to look up. Fun is bad. Responsibility is everything, Relationships are last priority. So wonder life here is on a downward pull. Some of us still believe in fun, I'm one of them. If I never had fun I wouldn't have made it this long, but then you know how people I run into who don't believe in fun? It's a long list. Think about what has been done to so many people via the endless demands--even the fat thing where everyone must be a perfect weight etc.

I am in a self help group where I see the fellow depressed on a regular basis, and one time I said to them..."Maybe it's not us, maybe it's this society we live in! This place is messed up!" I hope I am some help to them at least! Maybe some think I am crazy when I talk like this. Maybe I will do a presentation on having fun. Yes that is my next idea for one.

Hey I know life is not perfect, but I am old enough to know a lot of things have changed and the way they are changing is very disturbing. At least one sliver lining in the cloud exists for me regarding this comment from this article I am posting about.

-When you were a kid you liked to draw, and read, and run, and laugh, and play, and imagine a magical world. You’re never going to do any of that again.

 The fact is I can still read, draw and think. I got to do it again! That is a blessing I suppose that lies within being tossed outside the box, and lifting your head from the grindstone, you can look around and wonder what is it all for? You can see it from the outside. You realize how much of it is a lie. You realize how people are paying the price in a society where mammon rules. You think to yourself even with a body that is representative of a culture gone amuk, one of the so called fat and stressed out Americans about what could be, and what you want out of life and what to do with it. You think can I get out? Can I find another way of life? Can I find a life that is pleasing to God and myself? Where I can live out my values instead of just being crushed by debt, feeling rejected and wondering where it is all going?

Are there other possibilities?

Anyhow after I am done writing here today--I have acouple articles to do, I am going to smell some flowers, go to the nature center by the end of the week, go find some scenery, hang out with husband and ignore the rat race.

I was glad this article said, that many people do want to drop out. I'm partially dropped out involuntarily via disability, but I am glad that I am not alone in that.

See: Dropping Out, Modern Life and Me

Thursday, April 18, 2013

America, The Fat

America didn't just wake up one day and say "let's all get lazy and fat!" As I have written many times on this blog, there are other factors besides those who want to lay it all only on the "personal responsibility" focus. I believe we are being fattened up by design and for profit. Cheap food lacking everything but the calories and fats and sugar also is helping. If you get time, look at some old retro pictures, notice how people in general were far thinner, and even shaped different. One thing I have noticed is central obesity seems to be worse problem--that probably is due to the stress-cortisol factors. I don't know why size acceptance people deny there is an obesity epidemic. My memories of the old days, was of people being far smaller.

Revealed: What Really Makes People Obese?

Revealed: What really makes people obese?

Interesting point, I agree. I think the composition of the diet is promoting fat accumulation even via lack of nutritional content.
"Nor do they shed light on the more fundamental question of whether people or populations get fat "because they're eating more, or eat more because the macronutrient composition of their diets is promoting fat accumulation … in effect, driving an increase in appetite. 
Taubes also points to "substandard" research that is "incapable of answering the question of what causes obesity. As a result, he has co-founded the Nutrition Science Initiative, a not-for-profit organisation to "fund and facilitate rigorously well controlled experimental trials, carried out by independent, sceptical researchers." Our hope, he said, is that these experiments will answer definitively the question of what causes obesity, and help us finally make meaningful progress against it."

Food Co-ops

Does anyone here belong to a food co-op? How does that all work? I am thinking about joining one and they are including low income prices though I probably will have to pay even that in installments. The grocery store isn't quite doing it for me anymore though I'lll still need to get some things there and going 30 miles round trip to the closest health food store is too tough. Sunday, I go to get the paperwork and talk to the folks who are starting one. Please tell me if you have been in one, good or bad. The volunteer work for one may be limited with me but it seems like they are open to it. Sometimes I want to write to those CSA farmers, stop selling everything to urban yuppies and only to the rich who have 500 bucks to pay up front. I know they want to make money but there is the classist set-up per usual in the obtainment of decent food.  Well at least we do have good fruit and veggie stands here when its the right time of the season!

With the uric acid kidney stones, if I want to have a liver left, I don't want to be on allpurinol the rest of my life, I am going to be forced to go more vegan and with the food allergies it's kind of a scary overwhelming proposition, but if I can obtain more organic food and choices in the vegetable and alternative market, it will help me a lot more. This is the reason for the food co-op. The trap I got myself in, is I kept my diabetes scores far lower then anyone my weight usually does. In fact being a controlled diabetic on meds, is RARE I have heard for someone my weight. I did do the high protein and complex carbs thing, only problem is all the meat, even the lean kind, I have to kick it down and lower the amount for the sake of the kidneys and keeping the uric acid lower. I still want to find out why this is happening.

I'm cutting meat down in every recipe, used mostly as a flavoring but need to figure out how to make sandwiches without it. Even beans make more uric acid so this is a tough all around. I need to find a tofu I am NOT allergic too as well. A cheaper source of vegetables and fruit is necessary. I have a ton of produce at the beginning of every month and then run out before the month is over.

Anyhow tell me what your food co-op experience was like. I shopped at co-ops before that had stores that were open to the public.

Taking Walks

I used to love taking walks even as I moved into my weight gain until I got too fat too walk and I remember how it felt to get too fat to walk and the shortness of breathe. Walks of 2-3 miles actually for me WERE fun and if someone was to ask "What did you miss the most when you became super-obese?" Taking a walk through the woods or even city streets would be at the top of the list. Even as I was courting my husband around 1994, we would walk the streets of a small beach town and go on and on. Of course walking like this as I passed the 350-400 mark, was over with and my health problems got worse.

I miss walking through woods and nature and being alone and the peace of it all. This is one thing I did as a kid which would probably horrify modern-day parents since I did it alone, but these walks were continued into my mid 20s, and I used to love to walk and amble down city streets, ambling down the streets of one medium sized city to check out bookstores, magazine stores, art center and more. In 2008, I could barely walk to the front door of my apt building though I was still able to get to the car which thankfully on housebound days meant being able to go places.  Today I can walk about the distance of 1/4th of a city block with a walker, but not much further. I try to take a walk daily which I know is not a "walk" to a normal person but better then nothing. When I was at the peak weight, walking was very severely affected and I was very closed to having it end. Most very fat people do miss their mobility, very much so. The thing that worries me is sometimes as I exercise a lot or walk a lot or have a series of "busy" non-housebound days. I did everything from a presentation at my self help group, stamp club along with some outside "walking" and taxes in the last few days is I start to bloat up from the heart stuff. It's a hard balance. You want to "do" more and the body says NO, you need to lay down and get this water off.

I do miss walking. Sometimes I have hoped to get down to a weight where it would be possible again. Maybe at 300? I am not sure. If I could have that back, it would be great.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Coming to a Workplace Near You Fines For Being Fat?

Coming to a workplace near you: Fines for being fat?

This is horrible. Talk about hatred and discrimination against a group of people! Those who are super-sized if they are still functional are barely able to get jobs in the first place and the moderate sized fat also deal with a lot of discrimination. See my article:

Squeezed Out of the Job Market For Your Body

There have been studies already that say fat people are poorer, and they lose salary and wages for every 10 pounds extra they hold. It is a known fact that poor equals fat in America: see these articles.  So they want to make fat people even poorer and thus less able to afford better groceries and activities?

There is a degree of class warfare being instituted on ordinary people via the elites. Global economic collapse? -They can centralize more banks as they clean out the till! By the way, I noticed a pattern with every country we have gone to war with, they lack a central banking system connected into the "international system". There is no one group to blame for this but good old fashion human greed and evil. Yeah I know I'm a fat woman, that sits around reading Zero Hedge and alternative socio-political websites  but I am paying attention to what is going on! Some here may be upset about this blog having a "conspiracy" edge to it, but I am one of the sheep that woke up, no longer drooling in front of the TV set!  Fatten up the lower classes with adulterated and bad food?- more profit from fake food, population control for the shorter life spans, and now a visible class marker between the "prole" and the wealthy that gives the elite more control.  George Orwell couldn't have imagined what awaited us in the 21st century. Remember when I wrote this article? "It's THE FAT CAMP for You, COMRADE!"

I guess I could change the title to IT'S FAT FINES FOR YOU COMRADE! [at least for now in these early stages]

And the worse of all this, they think people CHOOSE TO BE FAT! It is based on that premise after all! You have chosen your fate! Give me a break. I hope some fat people are smart enough to start filing a few law suits. If I had a job still and they were planning to fine me for fatness, I'd file suit the next day even pro-se and without a lawyer. I once fought off a junk-debt buyer in court successfully. Dozens of pages of legal documents, paralegal school turned out to be some use. Somehow I bet Obamacare has something to do with all this. Hmmm looks like it does. 

Our society really is going down the chute in so many different ways!

Pray For Boston!

It's very sad. One wonders about what kind of world we are in. Can you imagine there you are in great health enjoying running and your life is forever altered? I'm praying for the victims and those who faced these terrible things.  I just hope this isn't used to take more freedoms away in some fashion. After the
horrible Sandy Hook incident they all went after gun ownership as if the criminal or criminally insane pay attention to any laws. There are some questioning the official story already.  I don't know. It seems there are so many bad things happening out there. How did they hide the bombs?  Did they ever say who is behind it? I thought they had canine dogs sniff for bombs at events like this already. There's too many tragedies and violence adding up. America just isn't the same place it used to be anymore. Sigh.

Fast Food is Gross!

I haven't eaten any fast food in 4 years. This means no Burger King, no McDonalds, no Wendy's, no Taco Bell. It all makes me sick. Whatever they put in their food, MSG? The feelings of unwellness are so intense, aversion therapy set in long ago! A lot of people are shocked at a woman my size who avoids fast food like the plague.

When away from home, I will go to a grocery store and try and buy a fresh sandwich or some fruit before patronizing one of these places. When I see the clown I want to run for the hills! How can people eat this junk? When I was still eating the occasional fast food item, I always was disappointed, it tasted like saw dust. Salads didn't fix the problem either. The bread always tasted like they were pouring sugar into it. The chicken patties tasted weird.

By the way, I was kind of concerned too that Subway as well was making me sick, even with the "Eat Fresh!" promises, I went and looked up the actual ingredients it was MSG city! Subway is another one that was good in the old days, but the ingredients got crummier and crummier.

At Subway, Customers Really Aren't Eating as "Fresh" As They Think

"Well, not if you actually look at the ingredients in Subway's food. McDonald's has drawn heaps of criticism for the alleged poor quality of its food (particularly in movies like SuperSize Me and Fast Food Nation), but Subway is really no different. The sliced turkey and ham may not have been frozen like hockey pucks before they serve it to you, but it's loaded down with artificial ingredients -- bulking agents, fillers, processing aids, preservatives and the like."

I looked up those ingredients and it explained to me why the last few times at Subway I felt sick. If we think about obesity conspiracy stuff, it is kind of scary that the place that sells itself as providing a "fresh" alternative, is overloading the ingredients with MSG and other preservatives.

When I was a kid in the 1970s, even McDonalds food still had taste to it. Perhaps back then it even looked different:

The other day I saw this interesting article

McDonald’s McProblem: Why Millennials Are Rejecting the Golden Arches

Advertising Age obtained a recent internal memo from McDonald's stating the fast-food giant has failed to make it on millennials' list of top 10 restaurant chains.
This could have something to do with millennials subscribing to healthier, more sustainable food chains. Even though McDonald's added salads to its menu as a nutritious alternative for health-conscious consumers a decade ago, this effort has proved insufficient—especially when we learn things like its Caesar salad is more fattening than its burger.
It's not surprising that McDonald's is absent on the millennial list, says Dan Schawbel, author of Promote Yourself: The New Rules For Career Success and managing partner of Millennial Branding, a Gen Y research and consulting firm. "I think back to Fast Food Nation, which was very popular among millennials," he told TakePart. "They're looking for sustainability. They want their food to be better grown, and when you see McDonald's putting [artificial flavors] in their food, those things aren't helping build trust."

Seems like the young people have some discerning taste buds left in their mouths and sense.

More Hunger Pain!

One thing about me people would never imagine:

I have hunger pains constantly. No, I am not talking "emotional eating" or "I am bored and this TV show would go great with a bag of chips", but actual stomach growling,head pain etc. I've talked about this issue before. Right now I am hungry. It's growling and I am thinking "Leave me alone", I have to play games like delaying the eating of breakfast if I wake up too early--I woke up at 6:00 am this morning, because if I eat now, I'll be hungry by 10 a.m. and that will add on too many calories for the day. Do thin people even have to worry about this stuff? Somehow I doubt it. By the way one thing about IBS, hunger pain can trigger off an attack if you ignore it for enough hours. It can actually turn into dry heaves nausea. 

I can't follow body cues on eating, if I did, I'd be a thousand pounds. One thing I did do, and this was to balance my sugars which dropped kicked years worth of panic attacks was go on a "timed eating schedule". I do eat three meals a day and one snack usually and that is probably still too much but I do what I can, just living life, it is not uncommon for me to go two hours feeling hunger pain, knowing that if I "eat too early", it will mess things up. During last month, we got food insecure, I was having to cut down the food and scrounging, this stuff happens all the time, it seemed the hunger pain was insistent and constant. This is just something I have noticed. I said to my husband "I can't believe this, it never seems to let up!"

I have another "calories" brainwashed commenter knocking around on the blog. Why do people imagine that dieting works for everyone? If I have hunger pain this bad just staying on my "informal" eating plan even to KEEP FROM GAINING WEIGHT, oh people can't imagine. I have felt like cursing my own body out for demanding food it does not need. On diets, life can get very interesting for me.

“Well , I’m sorry to shatter your dream but it is impossible , biologically to stay on a weight loss diet .  Unless you go totally crazy like the women with anorexia nervosa because they get so cut off from bodily sensations that they do not eat at all, or eat very little.... But if you manage to stay sane at all, you will feel the furious message from your body to please nourish it.  It will pull out all the tricks it can to get you to take in some energy.  It will make you think of nothing but food.”  Shadow on A Tightrope Kelly

I do know severe insulin resistance makes hunger worse. I am trying to train myself to accept hunger more, and yes this means hunger pain. I do things like trying to figure out how long I can go. Diabetes seems to be a cruel task master. As I write this, I am hungry, the whole I could eat a horse type of hunger, pushing things to as near as 8:00 am as I can, knowing that I don't want to feel hungry again until its lunch time. 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Be a Fat Woman With Style!

Found this on Pinterest, her name is Camila Batmanghelidjh

I like creative dress styles, anyone that leaves behind the blue jeans and white T-shirt formula, is someone after my own heart!

I try to dress with a little pizzazz, here is a snippet of my "fashion sense". With more money, I'd be going to town but I do what I can.

Fat Hating Advertising: It seems to be getting worse!

One thing I am noticing is fat hating advertising seems to be getting worse. Tell me what you think.  
This advertisement was created by Brandon Knowlden for Northern Bariatric Surgery Institutes in Pennsylvania. The poster says “Obesity is suicide. But it doesn't have to end this way. Find out how bariatric surgery can help. The Northern Bariatric Surgery Institute. www.cutweight.org”. The advertisement employed an emotional approach which caused a fearful emotion about obesity in consumers by directly linking obesity and death.
Is the message eat some sausages and you deserve to die? Like thin people never eat any?

I thought that this one can't be real so I went to go see if it was, and it is from what I can tell...Sigh.
It's from Europe.  I have this running theory about fat women always being shown naked or in states of undress to demean them. Well here you go! That one is so offensive it is sick.

Moral degenerates that sell adultery and immorality aren't exactly going to be "fat friendly" either.


I never liked Peta.

Wow, thanks um...I think...

This one is biased, I am surprised they show her going up stairs and not lying on the couch.


News Article: "Can We Smell Obesity?"

Hey they already tell us we smell. I am not sure if this is honest gut flora science jazzed up with very poorly chosen headlines or just another fancy scientific way to say "You fat people stink!"

Can We Smell Obesity?
"It turns out that obesity may be detectable as a gas, thanks to organisms that inhabit our gut. In a study published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, researchers extend our knowledge about the hidden universe of the microbes that live within us to show that obesity is associated with certain populations of microbes that give off a distinctive gas. 
To be more specific, obesity may smell a lot like…methane, which is to say, like not much at all, since methane in its naturally-occurring state is actually odorless. In the study. Dr. Ruchi Mathur, director of diabetes in the department of medicine at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, and her colleagues analyzed the breath of 792 men and women of various ages. Mathur focused on detecting methane in the breath, since animal studies found that the presence of a certain family of organisms called archaea, which are older than bacteria and colonize the gut, was linked with weight gain and conveniently released small amounts of methane gas. 
Mathur also knew from her own work analyzing the gas makeup of the breath from bariatric surgery patients that those releasing higher levels of methane in their breath tended to have a body mass index (BMI) nearly 7 points higher on average than those with lower levels."
One commenter wrote responding to this article: "Well, over the years we have heard that obese people cause global warming, use too much in the way of resources, and NOW we can smell them. When will the death camps and ovens be ready?"

See: This Week In Bad Science Journalism: Fat People Stink, Am I Right?

Pursuing an Out and Out Cushings Diagnosis?

I am not sure if I want to go back to trying to push that envelope again.

Should I do it? Getting the doctors to listen seems very tough. The inability to get an MRI did put me at a stand-still as so not passing the dexamethasone test. Intubation was too risky and I can't lay flat and breathe, though maybe now I'd fit in the standing MRI, I didn't fit in some years back.

One doctor told me years ago, I'd never survive the surgeries and treatments and to live the best life I could. This is one that diagnosed me with pseudo-Cushings based on three different high cortisol readings--high UFCS for those of you who know the lingo and a high ACTH . See Snippets of My Medical Records 

The picture seems to be adding up though.

There's too much that is wrong.

I have never met a woman with as many health problems as me. I spent time around other even super-fat people, and yes there are many co-morbs that come from that, but now we are entering territory where things are getting kind of weird. Even lately I am having trouble with one of my eyes with extreme floaters in it which is kind of scary for someone who is already nearly deaf.

Let's see what do I have on that list.

The weight gain, no periods except very rare unless forced by medication [one this entire year], when I had my initial huge weight gain, I had the purple straie and then some, hair growth--except for Spiro, weakness yes, central obesity--yes, Osteoporosis yes, diabetes, high blood pressure, skin problems, kidney stones, yes.

Add in severe hearing loss, vertigo, skin problems, and the list goes on and on...

There are lesser known signs too. By the way there are no diabetics in the family even among the fat folks, and yes I have the buffalo hump too.

I went through hades to get the hypothyroidism and severe "PCOS" diagnosed. Of course many patients with Cushings have told me they were diagnosed with PCOS at the start. PCOS is weird, you go to PCOS boards and while those women are a little bit fat and with a little hair, they are NOT SICK, many of them are even well enough to be trying for babies! I never have related to any of them!

I tested with HIGH CORTISOL OFF ALL STEROIDS and INHALERS for a few years. At that point in life, I was refusing fearing any more weight gain even against doctor's orders.

But I had to go back on a steroid inhaler a few years back for COPD. I wonder what that is doing to me? What did Flovent and constant prednisone do to me earlier?

I asked one doctor, SHOULD I GO OFF ADVAIR? COULD IT BE CAUSING these kidney stones? Trust me that is a scary proposition with the lungs. Maybe the doctors see this as a zero-sum--where I have to be on that medication. If I am already Cushingnoid, wouldn't that be making it worse?

I saw this video by accident on Youtube. I understand her tears. Read her comments below the video. I wonder if she is being ignored like I was during my weight gain? Her balding head and facial hair, means something is up. Can someone email another off Youtube? I don't have an account there. I'd like to email her and will definitely be praying for her.

I wouldn't doubt it. Why are doctors ignoring me now when I say Kidney stones go with Cushings? How come I only get silence when I say look adding kidney stones to the laundry list of disorders means something is going wrong? There are so many things wrong with me, its getting to the point of absurdity.  I am not sure where to go from here. I've been having some feelings of unwellness this weekend though not a full blown kidney stone attack. I will destroy my liver being on this uric acid medicine too long. Tell me what you think. This has been so long. How many years have I been sick? Since 1994 when the weight gain began and in various more mild ways before then.

Even if I am wrong about the Cushings and they are right about the severe PCOS/insulin resistance, there is something more systemic going on that is taking things beyond that.


Hope you got yours done. I did the best thing I could have and went to one of those low-income "free" tax preparers and was able to help my husband get them done. The IRS by the way isn't going to help you especially if you err on the side of owing them more but there is something called an amended tax form. Anyhow this was very helpful to my life. There is something to be pondered here, why aren't young people taught how to do taxes or something useful like that in school? Anyhow I'm glad I trusted my instincts that something seemed very off with our taxes. My husband's freelance income makes them very complicated!

Friday, April 5, 2013

"Fat Woman Falls Through New York Sidewalk And It's HIGH COMEDY To A Bunch Of Jerks"

Fat Woman Falls Through New York Sidewalk And It's HIGH COMEDY To A Bunch Of Jerks

Hey it's NYC. I have lived in small towns the last 15 years of my life and HAVE fallen and usually people come to my rescue and don't abuse me. I guess some places still have decent people. I wouldn't want to fall in NYC though or any other big city. One friend convinced me there are some nice people in NYC, but I think this would be a more risky affair. She isn't that fat and is a good looking woman but read the story and see how she was treated by those who reported on her story. That just isn't right. She did not deserve that whatsoever!

By the way I could still walk when I was near 700lbs, I never fell through any sidewalks. I slipped on some ice during the weight gain where a bus driver and another man had to help me get up. I have fallen later on too, of course as well. They were blaming her for something that had nothing to do with her weight.
"The fact that she fell isn’t much news -- but apparently, the fact that she was very fat was, as her size is mentioned in virtually every headline on the story, which of course has led to lots of giggles and jokes on Twitter and in comment threads, especially since Williams had to be rescued from the hole she fell into with a “high angle rescue unit” -- in other words, an actual crane. 
Even the eyewitness reports were explicit on this point: “The woman was enormous. She had to be more than 300 pounds,” said Daniel Crumity, 44, of Queens, who watched in disbelief from a window inside the Blue Room. “The ground literally fell out from underneath her. “It happened so fast she did not scream or anything. Everybody in the bar got up to look.” 
The hilarity didn’t end when Williams was released from the hospital -- with a broken arm and a few cuts and bruises -- and mentioned to reporters that hospital staff credited her size with saving her life, saying the fall would likely have killed a thinner person. Of course, the idea that body fat could possibly have ANY beneficial effect is unthinkable to most, even though there is plenty of evidence -- both scientific and common sense -- that extra padding prevents serious injury in falls, especially in older people. 
In a masterpiece of victim-blaming, the commenter response then moved to the argument that Williams’ being “saved” by her size didn’t really count because a thinner person probably wouldn’t have fallen through the sidewalk in the first place -- even though logic would dictate that any given bit of sidewalk should probably be capable of holding AT LEAST 400 pounds. I mean, for safety."

The Men Who Made Us Fat

#3 #4

First Do No Harm website

Here is a website that talks about those who have dealt with fat prejudice in health care.

First, Do No Harm Real Stories of Fat Prejudice in Health Care

I didn't mention this yet, but I found out if you weigh over 400lbs they cannot remove your kidney stones by sonar except in few areas? If I get one that has to be removed, I either have to get surgery or go on a 150 mile round trip. Who puts the weight limitations on these things? It's like they plan to discriminate or something. The stories at this website are frightening though I relate to some. I have had doctors who have wanted to do the experimental stuff on me. I have gone undiagnosed like many of those folks. One thing I hate is misunderstandings about PCOS, where some seem to think fat causes it, when I had signs of PCOS while STILL THIN. It is a good website. The story about a man being misdiagnosed with MS is especially harrowing. I can't even imagine.

Who Are You Besides Fat?

  The things expected of me feel overwhelming. I'd like to get rid of that little voice in my head. I wonder if this is what happens to people who grow up hearing nothing but criticisms. Therapists would tell me to squash that little voice inside, but what happens when it is never ending on the outside? What if you get to a place where you start feeling okay and then the demands, expectations, your failures are thrown in your face every time you turn around and nothing ever changes for the better? What should a person do? Even religiously people post things like "God has big plans for you!" and I think, "what if one's life is rotten, isn't the test of faith to hold on even if your life stinks on earth?"

I feel like I am trying to hold on to WHO I AM. Yes unlike others who do not know who they are, I know what I stand for. I know what I value and care about, but why do I feel like I am being squished? There is no test like being over 500lbs for a person to face themselves and depend on God to make it. Truth-telling in American society means you are flat out hated, take my word for it.

Hey I'll admit any faults. I can't seem to manage things most people manage. I've checked out books on managing ones life, taking health classes and making health goals. I tried to follow the rules and things still go bad. I pay what bills I can on time. I do not drink, smoke or do any illegal drugs. I try to stay positive and all the other things you are told to do.  This blog yeah I know I complain, but I hold it in elsewhere. Does this make me a bad person?

Other people can eat cucumbers, vegetables, limit portions and lose weight, I do all of that and any loss is so slow, its extreme. I am hungry right now ignoring the hunger pain knowing I have to keep the calories at a certain lower point.  I can't seem to get the household in order, there is never enough money. My husband I do not think will ever have a normal job again due to medical and other factors. So what do I get for all my efforts but told how "bad" I am over and over?

Lately I feel like I am always under the gun and the lies that fat people were stupid, passive and out to please, being everyone’s buddy things made life hard enough for years. I was none of these things, which made some bigots angrier. They expected a certain personality and got me.  Would the therapists understand what 15 years at a supersized weight does to a person? Somehow I doubt it. Very few get it.

The other day I wrote this article  "Eccentric Fat Girl"

Lately I have felt kind of pressured, it has to do with trying to draw a line in terms of who I am and what kind of life I ended up with. I have realized, that for years, I felt suppressed under the judgments of others. Even today, I had one of the jerks of the Internet show up on the disability article.

#1. I will never be who they want me to be.

#2. I lack the resources and capabilities for #1.

#3. My own values and what I desire from life, are different from the society I am part of.

#4 Therefore I lack the interest in #1.

With #1, I have realized I am tired of living under a fog of being blamed, of being degraded for who I am and what my body has done. At this size it can be endless, and unlike others who can find therapists who relate, that is not a guarantee for me. It's been a tough week, of dealing with people who could only see my body and not "me" which included having a tax guy at a free low-income tax seminar tell me to budget money that does not exist to pay thousands of dollars in taxes--you do not want to know the tax rate on even very low paid self employed freelancers--my husband, with the eyes that say "Loser!", to having to make a chair request at a seminar for lip-reading.

I spent the last weeks of last month food insecure, actually going hungry. The food pantry only had some dried prunes to offer and some old bread. A kind friend bought us a couple dinners but there too you think why are we always the ones in need and never able to give. It wears you down like water upon sand. The friends who are by your side are loyal. But to be frank, the rest of the world goes on it's merry way. You do ask "What is wrong with me?"

 I was allergic to the other foods they passed out. I skipped acouple meals mostly breakfast and scrounged about most of the week. We have food now, but one thing about me and hunger, is my hunger pain doesn't lift. Once it starts, it can go for 2-3 hours or whenever I eat. I have trained myself to accept hunger pain, but there is a limit there, in terms of weight loss efforts. If anyone wants to be judgmental and say, cook frugal, I DID, that included making stuffed cabbage that lasted 4 meals and other such adventures.

Then I got a new nurse practicioner, she was nice, she meant well but then she told me, "you need to set goals!" She was informed that I had lost some weight and knew of diabetic improvements that have dropped a A1C score by almost an entire point but I find myself inside cringing, "goals?" Those usually take money and a body one can control to a certain extent. As if I can tell my body, lose 50lbs, and it will do it like magic!

What world do these people live in? It's not mine. My goal is to stay alive, an over-encompassing one, I suppose. One strange shocking item during my last medical exam, is my temperature was 95 degrees! Yes 95 and I've seen it that low during other times too. She asked me "Are you cold?" My TSH is normal so why I spent weeks freezing to death, I don't know.

I seem to have a lot of people lately tell me in different ways I am not measuring up. I am not sure emotionally how to handle it. Should I tell them all to jump in the lake?  People don't realize it but I hide a lot of pain. I've slogged on through depression and physical pain that would put down an elephant knowing there was no other choice but to carry on. No one likes a "victim". I share things on this blog far more openly then in the world outside of close friends. Being out in the world for me more and more seems to be about wearing a plastered on smile, dressing better then everyone because a fat woman doesn't make muster in sweats and ignoring the desire to just take to my bed and never get out again.  Maintaining any motivation among endless disappointments is getting harder and harder.

Maybe I am old, but since when did all the pleasure and leisure and meaning in life get wiped away for being successful? What if you want to ENJOY a few things or have a little FUN? What if you are poor and disabled, does this mean you have to be rendered a non-person?

 What am I supposed to do with all these expectations I can't meet and am failing to meet? There is a point you get to where you admit...

1. These people do not really know what you face or what your day to day life is like.

2. A person can only do what they can.

3. One can stand up for what they value and care about.

This is something hard enough to deal with. What if you live in a society where it spits on everything you care about and value, where it hates connections, hate the creative, hates emotions. Tells you in many different ways you don't matter and that your story is not to be believed? Truth tellers don't always have it so easy.

What if you don't want to, don't plan to conform and couldn't even if you wanted to?

What if you are tired of just being locked away in the big and fat box and are screaming to get out?

What if you have known for years, that something is wrong with your body that goes beyond the endocrine things they have diagnosed, and have been protesting for years to be listened to? What if you know something is more wrong then "bad eating behaviors", and have had to fight for years to be listened to. Wouldn't you get worn out after a certain point dealing with this stuff?. I even started this blog hoping a medical professional would see it and be the type to want to do some research.

What if you are tired of being told you are a nobody for being disabled, for not having children, for being broke, for feeling alone in what you believe?

What if you are tired of the constant demands and other pressures?

Do you silence your voice then, slink away and then shut up?

I can't shut up, but I am very tired.

Shane Koyczan: "To This Day" ... for the bullied and beautiful

Some language warning on this one, but his message rings true. Especially us fat kids remembered the bullying, being told to be things we weren't, given nasty names. I remember being told no one will ever fall in love with you, they did, moving to the back of the classroom hoping not to be noticed. One thing about schools, they have their pecking orders and "socialization" sometimes a word that can make the past bullied retch, that has nothing to do with learning. I am glad of his message for people to stand up for themselves and realize they are beautiful in their own way.