Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Staying Away From Toxic People
What if the toxic people are your relatives? I have realized while I have been ostracized, and put down and mocked, that the doing was not my own. See this article and this one too. Sometimes personality disordered people will scapegoat a child and then a grown adult person who usually tends to be the more sensitive, "feeling" or vulnerable in the bunch, and malign them behind the scenes. Let's just say artists weren't the norm in my family. Respect disappears and love is a fore-gone long gone conclusion. I am working now to stay away from people who are disrespectful and unhealthy for me and maybe this is why I have been staying home from the few large family events I've been invited to besides the usual money and other problems in getting there and keeping the most minimal contact with others.
The other day, I had a cousin mock me on Facebook for sincerely held beliefs, it's scary when the poison infuses so much through the family system. Even if you challenge someone like that, they will call you "paranoid" or will gaslight you as they spend time insulting you. After all they saw others do it for years when you were young, until you got smart and old enough to start defending yourself. One can end overt abuse which I managed in my 20s but the covert stuff is a bit different. In fact I guaranteed myself a distant place within the family system for saying "This is wrong"! One thing I saw others destroyed by their abuse, one relative has become a shell of a person who never "rebelled" like me. This is to tell you how bad it was. One aspect of my personality, I am a truth-teller and perhaps this was the crucible it was born in.
While my memories of this particular cousin are positive and of a loving person, it's like that person disappeared. He became like the others. I do believe that can happen, children learn from what they watch, but for some of us, we become something different. I do not know how to explain it. That is the best way I can explain it. It's a disappointment but there is no choice, I have to walk away. Sometimes you waste time fighting with people who will never understand and refuse to understand. At least now I am smart enough to cut it off a lot quicker!
There are many people in this world who do not care about, love or attach to others in a normal way. I had the door kicked open in understanding this, and their influence on my life, even learning online and studying about how they operate acouple years ago. It was a blessing because it lifted years of self blame. I mean what are you going to tell yourself, if so many of your own relatives don't like you and actually hate you and or treat you badly? What if the key word you think of is invalidation? Even if they make some appearances of civility and caring, the "mean girl" or "boy" nonsense and backstabbing never ends. You can never be vulnerable, let down your guard or make the mistake of expecting any empathy. I have realized that cousin has drank the smear-campaign Kool-Aid.
My siblings and their families are exempted here but sadly they too can influenced at times by the toxic. I love them all very much but that can get shoved behind the glass wall of the game-players and deceitful. The toxic have focused on driving every wedge possible between people. But the worse was that with these dynamics is you believe from your young days that something was wrong with you. That you are defective. This is no way to build a confident life where you can function at a good level. And in my case add in severe health problems and other developments in life that were not of my choosing. My positive friendships, marriage and their loyalty and closeness probably saved my life even when I was in my early 20s. Even into my middle age I am having to work on healing and asking God [Psalm 68:6] where He wants me to go. This goes far beyond being a very severely overweight person, I have met and know people who are severely overweight and still loved by their relatives.
Here is the best I can do: