Chronic Emotional Invalidation

Life kind of sucks when you have to hide your true views or emotions to feel safe. I was thinking about invalidation. In my family, it was severe. No one had any respect for my feelings or personhood. In many ways I was completely invisible. There's definitely endless blog posts about their endless rejection on here. 

One thing I have noticed is the constant invalidation from the Covid cult. I'm more quiet now, but there was a period, I was trying to talk to a few people, only to get shut down. There's so few to talk to about this. The Covid cult since it is run by sociopaths follows the same trajectory of how my family treated me. Everyone that questions the leaders or the norms are called "crazy" or "mentally ill". Everyone that disagrees is vilified and lined up for "punishment" of a financial nature for refusing to obey.  No questions or examination are allowed.

People have spoken to me in ways that reminded me of how my family treated me.  This included being looked down on, being patronized, told to shut up and being threatened. There was one guy who when I told him my views on the vaxx, who told me they should throw you down and force it on you. There was only a handful of people I said anything to, but it was all disappointing. There was invalidation there. Don't take my word for things, but one thing common to too many people is they don't research or look into anything. I have been shamed and seen as a bad person for my views about Covid.  My convictions are strong and unbroken but I think about the focus on shame, and how they want to silence and now literally HURT those who are not conforming. 

We live in a society where everything is about status and hierarchy.  I either run the danger of being out right hated or I get the "project friend" pity ploys just from the severe obesity alone. Add in the autism, there's times I used to sit back and observe a group of people and used to think how they fit in so easily. They didn't have to fight to not be an outcast. They could be vulnerable and be "accepted".  I wasn't sure of the formula. I am not abused as much as I was pre-ACON recovery but in my case I became a more quiet and reserved person. That would include the fear of being vulnerable. I used to be a far more open person but not anymore. There is a price for it though, you do feel more disconnected. Measuring words like teaspoons to make sure no narcissists will screw you over for the information they have gathered, kind of blows. It keeps abuse away but it also keeps authenticity away too. 

This also ties to the fact that to deal with my autism, I had to learn to "cloak" long ago, and that involved the suppression of emotions. While neurotypicals can cry in public and have nurturance and no judgment, that's not going to happen for someone on the spectrum. You have to play that out different even for mere survival. The Aspie that lets the "melt-down" be seen by a certain age is going to face a heap of trouble.  I appear muted to people, maybe even "boring" because of this. Some facets of my autism include a very monotone voice and a face that shows little emotional expression. I have noticed whenever I show an emotion or any passion about something it seems to "surprise" people, so put a notch on the "regulation of emotions" issue. It's complicated massively by autism.

 One new friend has told me a few times, "you need new friends" because I tell her how I feel silenced around people in groups I am in.  I find this interesting she says this, and I am listening. Living in an affluent area made all this far harder. I dream of places where I could find "acceptance" and had brief glimpses of it in rare times in life, but I wonder about this. I still struggle with being around people I feel invalidated by.  I try to be a good listener, and hear them out but I've noticed because I don't conform or say the "right things", the [now Zoom] rooms go silent more often then not. They seem unsettled by me even by the most mild of statements. There is always this feeling of "You are too weird" emanating off them. There's always this feeling that I am "problematic". 

There was this one lady I used to know at a Christian writer's group in my old small town, who told me a lot that I was a "challenging thinker". I used to take this as a compliment but there was a feeling of unease too, when she would say these things to me either in person or writing, as she repeated this more than once. I think now she was telling me, I "bothered" and "unsettled" her with out being that impolite or direct. She would say this often every time I opened up things a teeny tiny crack. And don't think I did this talking about conspiracy or weird esoteric things, it could happen even with the most minute conversations. It was a way to tell me, "you are thinking too outside the box".

Religion has gotten weird for me, I have so much cognitive dissonance now about it all.

The fundamentalists betrayed me, and obviously I have outlined how that happened in my endless deconversion articles, on this blog but now I feel betrayed by the liberal world. I faced spiritual abuse that was severe in the Christian world, and then I go rejoin the "rational", supposedly "scientific" world of liberalism, and it's betraying me. I feel like a sucker out there protesting Trump, and I still don't like Trump but that just feels like 1984 George Orwell brainwashing like when the crowd screamed Goldstein, as their government was complete evil. Some of the same problems I had in liberalism in my 20s are cropping up this many years later. 

 I'm still in the UU, but wondering if my new politically non-correct viewpoints will drum me out? I had a conversation with husband where I told him, I wish religion had worked out for me at times, maybe I would have still been a Christian if we never had left our old small town. Religion does take some community support to really have it work. There's expected conformity there too where like minded people are supposed to be gathered together.

 Obviously I didn't fit in well with the fundamentalists, I never should have been there. The pastors always got angry at my questions. At least in the UU, there's some mode of freedom of thought even if sometimes some of the political correctness gets oppressive.  How many UUs would be cool with someone wondering if some bible prophecies are true about mammon or the "beast" owning humanity from the inside? I could even refer to some warnings of the Victorian writer Ruskin, and I'd lose them. With religion, to be frank, I am tired of the expectation I must "get it all right" I don't want to be back in that fundamentalist cage and those religious pressures. I figure if there is a God, hopefully it is one of some compassion who can deal with me. It may even honor my rejection of the materialistic world system that wants to destroy our souls. Among the UUs, "different" has more chance of survival, but I can't deny watching them all line up for the Covid narrative hasn't been very painful. It has felt invalidating. People make their own choices but why do I have to be the lone wolf non-conformer. At most I suspect there could only be 2 others who haven't joined the parade and there very easily could be zero. 

I thought maybe I should be one of those people who let's it all hang out. Online, you all get far more of my thoughts then are shared in real life. In my case, this didn't work. I often think to myself lately what kind of person would I be now, if I had the emotional foundation of a loving family that listened and "saw" me? It's brought interesting questions up to me. I have thought too, that the trap of seeking validation through others, is also a path to nowhere. Therapists need to be clear on this especially with abuse victims. 

 It has occurred to me this is another layer of the onion where to be denied this core support at an early age led to a lifetime of emotional troubles and some problems in relationships with other people. While I have some close online and other friends and a loving husband, I don't have the social networks of most people. I'm in this weird place, how much of myself can I show? Why does it feel so unsafe? These thoughts remind me of this old popular book, I read in college, "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?"

I've become more superficial, and removed in conversation with the majority of people I do deal with. This is where the fear of intimacy comes in. I figure the less they know the better off I am. I lost friends you know from what I wrote on this blog, about Covid and other things. One friend hasn't talked to me in months. To survive mentally now, I try to tell myself to be true to myself, and I got tired of trying to "get people to like me" and quit that game. It's better to be alone then in people pleasing hell.

There's a few online friends and two newer ones I can talk to about stuff, but it's scary how tied this early invalidation was to what I am dealing with now. This is a life where I have felt unheard and invisible in general. Some of us are punished for not conforming. That seems to be a theme of this life. How dare you don't conform! However hiding myself seems like a path to nowhere good. The fear that has been installed is not good. 

Even with this Covid crap, if I was a good little Covid disciple, maybe I wouldn't have lost the friends I did, but I had no interest in supporting these evils. One person told me elsewhere online, I'm one of those people others hate because I see through the matrix. I don't know about that, if you go down "prophet" highway that can put you in a place of insanity and disconnect from others. The family obviously hated me for being a truth teller. I am sure they have all lined up regarding Covid. It's good I am no contact, I am sure the pressure to take the jab would have never ended. 

I found this meme interesting and definitely sums up my life and what I deal with. This is some of the worse to be faced from narcissistic families, the invalidation, where they make you invisible, and deny you personhood and presence. We have to stand up for ourselves and face these fears. I have thoughts like "I am me for life" and "I better be on my own team." 

 

The Covid Road to Dystopia

The "left' in the USA is done. I'm jumping ship even but don't want to vote for the other side. Now that I want nothing to do with the mainstream "left", life may get interesting at my UU church. Today at a circle talk avoiding the topic of Covid, I said "The left is getting out of control with censorship. Labeling ideas you don't like as misinformation and silencing all dissenters, well that can go both ways. Political correctness is out of control". At least some seemed to agree with the fact censorship is always a bad idea. What would happen though if they all found out what I think of this Covid bullshit? I felt uneasy, most support all of this, I do not. I have to weigh what I can say with being safe. How sad is that? It's a lonely feeling, and there's no sign of it getting better. 

I wrote about what I see coming. https://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2021/09/will-usa-turn-ultra-right-wing-utter.html

They have screwed the working class and poor beyond redemption. No one is talking about what it means for unemployment to have ended. There will be far more homeless people. I'm noticing people "disappearing". I have to write an email and ask what happened to this one guy I knew. I googled obits and didn't see his name. I get the feeling some are disappearing from society getting ill from the vaxx or sinking into poverty or depression. This is happening too often, and it's weirding me out. 

I know rich white liberals who support all this garbage. In my case, most are boomer age though they have well-off professionally employed millennial allies. I can't wake them up. It's a waste of time. Not all of us are gifted at deprogramming cult members. Some of these people I like despite their higher status in society so this has been painful. I'm not into making enemies. I'm laying low in real life, knowing arguing with people is fruitless. They got the whole population so demoralized. They are gaslighting the hell out of us every other second.  There are matters I am confused on, I don't know everything. So much contradicts, it makes no sense. It reminds me of life at home with my family. One thing I am sure of, we are being lied to about a lot. Why trust these people?

Even in the Anti "Covid narrative" world, there's people who believe there's no new virus, and it's just flus, and those who believe there is a new virus, and it brings bad things too, but so do the vaxxes.  Many scientists I read on Twitter who are against the mainstream narrative believe the virus is real and harmful.  One thing agreed upon is something could be wrong with the PCR tests and false positives.  I'm still think there is a new virus of some sort though I'm hearing the other people out. I don't know. I'm still wearing the masks around, refusing to see anyone inside my apartment except masked medical professionals, and maintenance people and not going anywhere except stores and parks.

 I envy the people who don't believe there is any new virus out there, they basically are living their lives and have thrown the masks away. They are still seeing friends, and going places and having their lives. They are far happier.  However husband and I are out there a bit in the world, he's talked to people who were in younger age groups who almost died of something, and a cashier even told my husband she knew three people who died of it. I have asked people if they knew anyone who died where it wasn't someone who was very elderly dying of a pneumonia, and many have, so I still think something is out there. 

That said, there's a point where one can't keep living life in a cage. I think young people because there risks are far less should live their normal lives. I don't think children should be forced to wear masks because their risk is so low. Teachers in the classroom can choose too. Wearing these masks hinders my breathing all the time but the longest I've ever worn one without taking it off is 2 hours. I don't think I could make it any longer. Moving around would be near impossible. I get short of breathe constantly. I'm not going to want some kid to be forced to wear one for 8 hours day. Kids should not be made to wear suffocating masks for a THIRD YEAR, I never supported that because they have so little Covid risk. Now the schools are talking about pushing the experimental vaxx on children, and it's horrific. It's sick to me that a kid has far more chance of heart problems then being hospitalized with Covid and they still want to push it on them.

I tell my husband, maybe it's time to rejoin life for me, I'll keep the mask on for a while, but not seeing anyone is getting weird. It is not good for anyone's mental health. I already had an extremely isolated life for the average person outside of my marriage. At this point there is extreme harm from it. The powers that be don't care about the kids, and they don't care about disabled people like me and what we face.

 I've talked to husband about there being a point where I will have to rejoin life. I pointed it out thusly, I have COPD, and multiple progressive health problems, I am getting older, I don't have a lot of time to play with. Even making it into my 50s, was near miraculous considering I was disabled at 28. Even with Lipedema, I know several people who died very young especially at my stage of it. There's a lot of things wrong with me now that could kill me.  Do I went to have a life and memories or be staring at wall the rest of my life? Is a life spent in captivity even worth living? How many years could this go on? 2 more? 10 more? I understand my husband's perspective he wants to protect me, and I don't want him catching anything either. So I've been in "wait mode" but you know March is going to be 2 years of this. The time is coming where I simply say "no more" despite any risks. 

I just don't understand people who find this all acceptable. They don't get what is happening out there, and how pissed off people are getting. It ranges from the working Mom who comes home to their children crying from having to spend all day in a mask, to the people who lost their businesses and freelance income. There are young people seeing their life forming years being destroyed, and elderly people who are upset knowing their time is short.  Remember the unemployment is gone. My husband lost a big chunk of his income, but unlike others, I can keep the rent paid unless they pull some crap like denying me disability for not taking the clot shot.

The affluent seem to embrace this with no problem, and they don't seem bothered about life continuing this way forever. Some of them enjoy the slower pace. I see some of these better off people go on constant vacations, they see relatives, and go to state parks, and hiking but those of us who don't have thousands of extra dollars to escape the daily grind don't have those options. I was at a group on Zoom, where one woman discussed her trip to Portugal, another talked about an out of state trip to a family Lakehouse. For those who are poorer, there's no change in scenery but the four walls of our apartments. There's no escape for us. There's no one to see. Our social lives are destroyed. Some of us don't have families. Watching them still "having a life", can be painful. Maybe envy is a personal fault of mine, but how could I not feel tinges of the green-eyed monster? How can this not make me depressed when the few pleasures I used to have of going to zine conferences, stamp clubs, day trips, time at the gym, or even just talking to people was all wiped away? If you are waiting for the more well off of society to put a stop to all this. It's not going to happen. The elite are having their maskless parties while their servants are forced to be masked up but even the more affluent mid-levels, upper middle class, and more are keeping this all going. 

Source

I won't even vote for a local Democrat fearing they will help make sure my life is not destroyed by vaccine mandates where a bunch of ableist Nazis, want to ban me from buying food or obtaining medical care for short term gains. Thankfully I am in a more rural county with a lot of pissed off right wing people. It's weird two years ago I was protesting Trump but I am ready to join them at their protests. I haven't yet. I've spoken out online under the Peep moniker, but real life, I fear painting a target on my back. My future social credit score will be very low with my history of blogging and writing against their tyranny.  Some think it is better to lie low, the fascists to be, shouldn't be helped in knowing who you are. I am of two minds, now is the time to speak out but I understand those arguments too. 

The sociopaths are now firing all the health care workers who don't want the vaxx, and now there are major hospital shortages because staff are being fired from their jobs. Is this planned destruction of health care? What kind of stupid people think this is a good idea? Unspoken is the reality that the nurses, doctors and others who are refusing the jab, have seen the side effects for themselves. They don't want it. They've seen the strokes, blood clots, myocarditis, seizures, and worse. Imagine how disabled people and those with serious conditions feel about all this? We may not be able to access the health care we need. There's other conditions besides Covid and now people facing cancer and other problems will find themselves even more in trouble. Funny how they were all heros during the early days of the pandemic but now forced to be fired over a stupid vaxx that doesn't even stop transmission.

This is all supposedly for our health and safety? Give me a break! It's more like they are trying to kill as many people as possible. What do you think is going to happen to all the people who are losing their jobs? Forced compliance to a poison is not freedom but complete evil. It's already shown itself as NOT WORKING so they keep forcing it? If you aren't angry by now, you are asleep. Unemployment is over or these folks will be denied. 

The left in this country is endorsing full racism and hatred of POC and the disabled who are most likely to refuse vaxxes for good historical or other medical reasons. None of that occurs to the people who want vaccine mandates.  ADA [American with Disabilities Act] is dead. No one cares about the people who have a history of anaphylaxis, severe autoimmune disease, organ transplants, etc. They want to shove the clot shot that produces toxic spike proteins on us. There are OTHER illnesses in the world. How many people are dying of cancer from being denied treatment when it counted? I can't stand watching healthy people throw their health away to obey the system. That drives me crazy. 

This is about destroying people's freedom, about digital IDs and vaxx passes. Haven't some of you vaccinated people figured out at this point it's never going to end, that you will be forced to do your own side effects roulette every 5-6 months now? Do you want a Papers Please world?

Source

The destruction to relationships, social community and ties is continuing to ruin our lives. We are under the slow grind now, and they know the longer they drag this out, the more people forget what life used to be. You all know my social troubles, this worsened all of them. If I wasn't married, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to but on some Zooms. All my community groups, I haven't seen in almost 2 years, that includes my stamp club, and all other groups. A few UUs delivered things to my door, but do you think my ties are as strong there anymore? So much has been destroyed, and there seems no end to it in sight.  I am just one person, now imagine this for millions of others. How many bowling leagues, sports teams, stamp clubs, art classes, poetry groups, peer to peer groups, were decimated? Take that all together, society becomes a pale shell of what it was before. George Orwell was a prophet, all those things were gone in Winston's world in 1984. 

Some of you need to wake up, NONE OF THIS IS WORTH IT ANYMORE. IT NEVER WAS. This has been a money grab and the biggest screw up in history. We need our lives back or at least some sort of life, and happiness and social ties. There is no end to it on this present path. More boosters for the obedient that still allow the virus to be spread and bring the myocarditis, blood clot, spike protein roulette wheel back around for every time? Have any of you ever asked why no scientists ever worked on a cure, or treatments? Sit down and think about that question a bit. The focus has been on these low quality vaxxes that don't even stop the spread of the illness. 

It's endemic, break out the Ivermectin or other treatments, send the scientists back to the drawing board to throw the non-working dangerous shitty myocarditis and blood clot causing mRNA in the trash can and make a traditional vaccine that actually stops transmission and gives immunity. Get rid of the ones at least that produce toxic spike proteins. Tell the Covid Nazis who want all freedoms taken away to can it, and return to the ideals of democracy instead of pissing them away.

Rich liberals can turn on their Zoom and go to the office over the computer while going on thousands of miles trips to state parks, and visiting friends and family, with plenty of space to exercise, hobbies and live in their large suburban homes. Most of them never suffered loneliness or isolation.  Their bills were paid. The working class and poor have been SCREWED over. Hate to tell you, but not that unemployment is gone, this crap needs to end today. Their lockdowns, vaxxes and more have failed.  I believe the virus is real, but what is the definition of insanity, doing the same stuff over and over that doesn't work.

Look around, they are continuing to destroy our lives and strip away every last freedom. 

Michael Moore Stumps for Vaxxes

 Mike Answers All Your Vaccine Fears

This pissed me off:

"7. “I have a medical/health condition that my doctor says I shouldn’t get the vaccine.”

THE TRUTH: No, you don’t. We now know there is no medical condition that prevents you from getting the vaccine. Stop with the “I’ve got a note from my doctor” bullshit. Get the damn vaccine — or you risk the chance of REALLY needing a doctor. Calm down. Relax. We love you. I’ll take you to Walgreens myself and hold your hand for those three seconds. Let’s live. Let’s not kill. Let’s be part of a world we are now going to fix and save. "

All the Covid fighting aside how ableist can you get? Until he has multiple autoimmune diseases, he needs to sit down and shut up. 

You ever wonder why so many of them sell out? He's now working against everything he used to stand for. The Michael Moore of the Roger and Me days was not a Big Pharm bootlicker. I'm noticing some of his readers are appalled too. 

Will the USA Turn Ultra Right Wing? The Utter Betrayal of the "Left"

The USA could turn ultra-right wing from all this....

That's my prediction, maybe I'm wrong but I still see the Handmaid's Tale coming down the pike in the distance.

Let's look at things...do you think your average Joe Six-Pack is happy with the way things are going? Do you think he liked his small business being destroyed? Do you think he is happy that he is being told to give his children an experimental clot shot?

I believe both of our corporate owned parties are leading us to hell. Those who have read this blog know I have not been happy with the DNC for a long time. Sadly I gave in to the "lesser evil" BS and was more than disappointed this time.

It scares me that now my only allies outside of very few in the holistic/vegan community are right wingers and Christians. Those are the ONLY people refusing this COVID BS and the vaxx. Hey at this point whoever supports freedom is my pal. 

Most of my friends know I am apolitical right now, disappointed in the whole mess: well the friends I have told. I find myself wondering about bible prophecy and more that seems to be coming true now.  I don't want to return to the spiritual abuses and authoritarianism of Christian fundamentalism or the evangelical world. There's no going back in that cage.  Cruel gods who want to send me to hell just give me nightmares. Religion is a soft target of the elites as well. Maybe the "prison planet" people got it the most correct. Who knows?  It's hard to be a religious liberal when most of the liberal world wants to poison me with a gene-therapy shot. 

But personal stuff aside, the "heartland" is growing pissed, they are sick of the masks, sick of the crack downs, sick of the worry. Sure maybe the professional class and some liberal affluent retired boomers and others love all this BS, with being able to work at home in their huge suburban house. However the majority are tired of it all. I live in a more rural/small town area, and I think most here outside of town have decided the epidemic is basically over and just threw the masks in the trashcan and are done. I still wear masks due to high risk, but understand why they made that decision. I've asked my husband how long are we supposed to live like this? He wants me to remain careful given my health problems. I don't want anything to happen to him either.

People are going to vote RED this go around, there's no way Biden will get a second term, and this is going to ensure that even more social safety nets are destroyed, and that uber elite will gain more power and money. The average person will find life to be more cold, cruel and meaner. The Dems are going to be destroyed in the mid-terms, and we will have a Republican president in 2024 if there is any country standing still.

Just imagine if there is a Covid-vax massive die-off, "brain encephalitis"--referring here to the SPARS report, kids die, or sterilization from the Covid vaxx. Which way do you think people will vote? Will it be for the Qs/Trumpsters/right wingers who tended to be more vaxx hesitant, or will it be for the liberals who stopped all reasoning, and bowed before Big Pharm? I'm in a strange position, pissed that it was allowed to spread by Trump and pals and he instigated Operation Warp Speed, and pissed off at the fascist neo-liberals with their vaxx passports and wanting to take everyone's jobs away.

It's obvious that the billionaires ultra wealthy do not want a cooperative society of progress and betterment for all, they want a slave technocracy and are using "both sides" to pull it off. They can use authoritarian religion, for control. Turning the country to the extreme right will make their "dream" even more possible. As for the "left" since they have suspended all human rights for their Covid BS, they are hypocrites of the highest order.

https://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2020/09/is-gilead-coming-theocracy-in-america.html

The "FAKE SCIENCE" fueling all this is going to bring a backlash. How do you think real science and progress will fare, as all this develops into a nightmare? Why are there so few free thinkers on the left? Even Noam Chomsky came out in favor of the vaxx. He favors isolation of the unvaxxed too. Do they buy off all these people or something or tell them what to say and not say? It's crazy.  Is this what all the Trump protesting wrought, that just to prove party loyalty one was to stop questioning anything? 

 I support women's issues, lgbt, and safety nets too, but do I want all this with a dose of fascism and being destroyed? Do you all realize how many former Democrats are now horribly disgusted? The DNC has lost those votes forever.  The ADA is gone, and the disability community doesn't even realize it yet.  It's hard to look around at my previous allies, some I even protested Trump with, yes I feel like a sucker now. Some can't wait to send me my unvaxxed "dissenting" self to the Fema camp or bar me from all public life. I've been keeping my mouth shut in many places even for SAFETY.

 I wear the masks due to bad lungs, so I "pass" as a Covid narrative supporter, but I am not. There's no damn way Biden or Kamala is getting a vote from me ever again. I probably won't vote in my case or for other third party, but it's harder to figure out. How do I vote libertarian given they support no social safety nets and disabled people are to be relegated to the gutter? How do I vote Green when THEY too support the medical dictatorship? 

The fact too that the "left" in America has teamed up with Big Tech for all the censorship too, is an assault on all our rights. When I first heard about cancel culture, I thought, "here we go....The elites are definitely making use of "divide and conquer".

Also if the Fake science goes bad, and it could...go check out my twitter [search for fivehundredpoundpeep on there]. See for yourself what some researchers are warning about. It's nightmare fuel with the prion theories, so the ADE where illness increases is the least of it. Religion has it's pitfalls. I think organized religion is so joined with the system, personal faith and religious practices definitely are something different. Most of the Christian churches here are pro-vaxx, but then my UU ran to get their clot shots too, I didn't even have time to warn or talk to anyone. That's a very lonely feeling.

This new "healthism" with doctors as priests never to be question where heretics are the ones who ask question, is a new religion. It's based in the very American focus on beautiful bodies and health proving one's "worthiness". Once this system shows it's failures, there will be a retreat. We have had those are "the most healthy" deemed to be the "most holy" for years.  Sacrifice is taking the "death shot" to the point they don't even care kids are dying of heart inflammation. This society has arrived at a very sick place.

How do you think "the left" is going to fare as the poverty explodes? How is life now for the poor where there's no one going to bat for lower income people? Even the temporary help they gave with Covid is ending this week. The eviction moratoriums are over, the unemployment is ending this week. Most businesses did not reopen. How's that going to go? 

They destroyed the economy with all the lockdowns with businesses going under, in my personal life, I know a few people who have divorced under these economic pressures. As one commenter wrote "Taking someone's livelihood and replacing it with temporary pay that covers a fraction of the loss, is not justice. Safety nets are there to cushion the blow to the unavoidable, not scraps to be handed out after state governments initiate a catastrophe." My husband won't be having some of his freelance work ever come back. We have my disability income and he still has a little income coming in. Many now will have NONE. How's the left going to do when the mid terms roll around? Society has gone down to the level where everything is in service to the uber elite getting more power and money and they are now drunk on it. 

What use is a left that doesn't care about freedom anymore and is ready to drag half the populace to the boxcars? Even the hatred of people on the right with sneering comments about everyone being a Qtard that questions any of this is messed up. I got suckered too, doing the Trump protests, outraged with the right as well, but woke up, because I realized the evil coming from the other side. I still remember when Hillary Clinton, complained about the "deplorables". This classism and hatred for the working class still continues on the left. That is a huge number of the population. Sadly, many of them will probably vote more right wing. The left has nothing to offer them. The right really doesn't either. There may be a few libertarians with integrity who really believe in civil liberties, but sadly, the formula whatever side the pendulum swings too, is that the billionaires get more power and money. Society is now for their enrichment, not the enrichment of the average person. We aren't even allowed to have real lives anymore because of their crimes. 

They have programming for every side. Will we get a left flavor of tyranny, where we are at now? or later a right wing one? The government said "Two weeks to flatten the curve" and now that's just a carrot on the stick. Too many on the left haven't woken up to the fact the vaxxes didn't give them all their freedoms back. 

The unvaccinated will serve as a handy scapegoat to why the leaky weak vaxxes have failed. They are taking society down the chute, using trauma programming. The conspiracy theorists were right, I was right when I was in it and used to say things like right and left wing were poisonous wings of the same bird. The USA technically doesn't even really have a left, but honestly they know how to control and influence every demographic now. All the fair news laws were thrown out years ago allowing Americans to be propagandized and we see the results today. 

 I was right about the "new world order" when a Christian fundamentalist, I used to call the elite "luciferians" then. The more secular can call them evil, rich, power hungry assholes and sociopaths. Some may call them like the gnostics, archon "controllers"--a la David Icke, whatever they are, they are horrible and have no conscience. The digital prison they are building for humanity using body and health is beyond the pale. Usurping the human immune system so one is even more dependent on the system is beyond evil.

I was retracting my conspiracy stuff, trying to be rational and "reasonable". I laugh now about people that tell me I am to trust in the system, and that all these actors have our best interests at heart. Are you kidding me? While a lot of conspiracy stuff is lies, and delusions, I know when I am being gaslighted and what it means when the news constantly contradicts itself or when people make promises they don't keep. When they scream "misinformation" to any questions to shut down discussion, that's based on silencing people. I didn't spend 40 years around sociopaths and malignant narcissists without realizing some of their tricks. 

I wrote some time ago...."I believe this brief period of  "freedumb" is going to end, they will do another lock down." I was right, new lockdowns are beginning where I live. I bet by winter, when flu season comes back, we will all be back on Zoom if the internet is still up. People very likely will be getting sick from the vaxxes with their altered immune systems not up to the job either of fighting regular flus or colds, and sadly they will blame the unvaxxed for the new variants and diseases. 

I get the feeling Trump was like Goldstein in the book 1984, and I was guilty too. :( all of us protesting and yelling about him and focusing on him. It's weird because I posted some stuff about the social engineering of Covid prior to Biden coming in, so my brain was working on a few things before I woke up but look how they got the left to scream TRUMP TRUMP and now they bring in worse evil on the left and no one cares. The French are literally fighting for their right to assemble and live their lives. People forget how much more social a country is like France and when you are barred from the neighborhood cafe, that means being cut off from your friends. It is evil to tell people they can't go into stores even to buy things they need. 

Just notice how many things were conspiracy theories, like vaccine passports that they are doing outright. The powers that be have wanted to tear down the social safety net for a long time. Do you think they will get their wish now after the trillions of dollar clean out from Covid? If we had sane people running the show what could have been done with all the money used on Covid?  Society could have been made better. It's like the trillions wasted in the middle east, proven to be a waste after 20 years in Afghanistan. Why do people trust in these leaders. They've done nothing to earn our trust, especially now with our own bodies and health!

They have changed the left, Occupy used to stand against the corporations, they supported freedom, and now the "left" in America supports full totalitarianism and a biosecurity prison for all. Most got suckered and went with it. So now we got two authoritarian sides and if the pendulum later swings to the right, it will be more of the same. They have desired privatization for decades. Public school was one of our last standing enduring institutions and now even it is devastated. I wrote this myself in early 2020:

"Destruction of Public Education---- A cluster you know what is only weeks away as public schools will spread the disease far and wide. Go read the teacher's reddit, to see how bad things are getting, school opens for most districts this week. Teachers just doing in services with no students in the building are catching Covid and dying. Some schools are still virtual but many are not. You think Covid is bad now, just wait......

Betsy DeVos and pals are pining for the days where they can profit off more charters. Republicans want public education done away with. Uneducated plebes are easier to control. Does anyone find it ironic that so many have been forced to "home-school" by the Republican wannabe theocrats?"

What's going to happen to the health care system as they fire all the health professionals who don't want the clot shot? Hospitals and health clinics are losing tons of business outside of Covid. They probably plan to cash out on the growing misery, and illness, but they will change health care for the worse. The old left used to push for universal health care. Did you notice no one cared about the people who ended up bankrupt from medical bills either due to Covid itself, or due to adverse reactions to the vaxx?  In the early days of Covid when people were happy to get a breather and or a rest, there was talk of changing to society to a better place, where people weren't overworked and where they could have a living wage. All that's been erased. 

They keep changing the goal posts, like this will never be over. The population is already beaten down and depressed. They feel there is nothing to look forward to. The DNC's "good cop" stint will soon be over, for the "bad cops" to come in.  We have been set up for worse. I was fooled by the Covid narrative at the start, I believed them. I am not perfect. Remember my posts outraged with all the people who wouldn't wear masks?  I hope more can wake up. Our real lives are being ruined and threatened here.  My mind changed when I saw the censorship in front of my face. Why were they silencing people who got sick from the vaxx? Didn't they want an honest study? 

I researched the Covid vaxx and was HORRIFIED the FIRST DAY I read the pharm websites. Now I am done with the left too, I am in a very hard place. Most people around me have bought into the narrative. Two weeks to flatten the curve have become almost two years of bullshit, and the biggest power grab ever. 

When I am having midnight conversations with my husband about preparing to flee, if they make the death causing vaxx mandatory, then society has entered a new fucked up point where there may be no coming back from it. I am allied now with the outliners of the right wing [the affluent moderate Republicans here all buy into it] and born again Christians, etc in refusing this garbage. Whoever supports freedom now is my pal. The fascist left, that wants to basically kill me, scares the hell out of me.  I still hate the right wing too, but worry people will simply embrace whatever right wing monster that will outdo Trump on the next go around. These are times where people will retreat into political extremism.

The "left" frankly has lost it.

Even with my UU, with the vegans, pagans, holistic people and nature people taking the clot shot, I was in shock. How could they sign up to have Moderna install an "Operationing System" for their immune systems. Maybe some are scared and silent/lying and there are secret allies but I don't know--everyone talked about getting the vaxx a lot. Since they've all had to mask up again though, I don't see as much happy excited talk about it anymore and have not heard about the boosters.  I know a few vegans and natural health people who have not fallen for it but they are rare.

The "left" is being used right now to get the virtue signaling liberal "professional class" signed on. When the bottom falls out, they will be "useful idiots" via Stalin. They will remove the social freedoms the left allowed them for a short time.

 Think of 9-11 here, they went after "foreign terrorists" on that go around and now it's focusing on "domestic terrorists" basically now anyone who dissents against the government. I warned for years what the NDAA meant for the future when they took trials away from US citizens and named them would be "enemy combatants" for the "homeland". No one cared, and now see where we are. There are right wingers who value freedom too same as left, but I am talking about mainstream right. I believe free speech is going to be gone. They are attempting to criminalize questioning the Covid narrative.

The present day authoritarianism on the left will bring in a far worse authoritarian right, and they definitely will strip out any social services or safety net, or any ideas of freedom. Free speech has already been lost with the censorship. The elite dream of neo-feudalism with extreme technology. What will we lose next?

The New Split in Society and New Allies

 from the ChurchofCovid1984 on Twitter:

"The society is headed for a huge split: The Urban/Tech/Gov Controlled/Woke/having access to everything/genetically modified humans, about 75% of the population and The Rural/Amish-like communities/Spiritual/semi-free/organic humans. The split goes along many lines."

The Hunger Games society is being built. I don't relate to these people who want everything controlled, and life as locked down misery forever. I never realized people were so obedient to authority. Remember this article when I wrote about my worries about how young people don't rebel anymore? They definitely got indoctrinated into total obedience. Well part of this was pressure from above, to make life so overladen with rules and punishments, the kids submitted. Ferris Bueller would be arrested in today's world with his future forever ruined well unless his wealthy father stepped in. It's scary how some don't care that people are being made into "non-people" all because they don't want a gene therapy that comes with endless dangers and still long term ones that are unknown. If you want to quibble with me that the shots aren't gene therapy, I can find evidence all over they ARE.

 I'm already allied with born again Christians and back with the evangelical community on the clot shots and mandates. I hope there are other UUs who see through this but it's been rough on me, how many have gone with the narrative. I have met some holistic, New Age, pagan, and vegan people who are more "spiritual" who reject the clot shots too. 

One thing I am noticing is they want a future that seems like hell to me. Technology basically enslaving us. They don't want any spontaneity, freedom, or natural life left. This kind of stuff makes me glad I am old. That's one thing I think about how life used to be so different in the past, and what was the theme all along? The squelching of natural connections, the endless rules, and more. It is ironic to me, that the hippie generation who claimed to want to give freedom to society is exiting on this much of a totalitarian note. I get the feeling the "me generation" is too narcissistic to want anyone to have much fun. Yes there are people this does not apply to, but you have to wonder about a society so hell bent on destroying the lives of young people and taking away all their fun and enjoyment? It's kind of like resentment over the fact they are shuffling off this mortal coil and can't stand the idea of anyone else getting to have any years of pleasure.

Here's an article that talks about the sickening future the elites want to impose on us.

 Utopian Madness

"We are in the midst of a mass psychosis. This psychosis is built upon delusions which originate in the ruling class. We must never forget that no matter how powerful the elite appear to be, no matter how intelligent or benignly nerdy, they are insane. In their deluded state, they believe they have all the answers and thus they deserve to have the absolute power to dictate those answers to the rest of us. If we disagree we are a danger to ourselves and to society. This they truly believe. They are our saviors.

In order to accomplish their goal of saving humanity.” they must inflict “menticide” on the masses, or a killing of the mind and the spirit. Joost Meerloo explains this in his book, The Rape of the Mind:

“Menticide is an old crime against the human mind and spirit but systematized anew. It is an organized system of psychological intervention and judicial perversion through which a [ruling class] can imprint [their] own opportunistic thoughts upon the minds of those [they] plan to use and destroy.”

In order to accomplish this, the elite must manufacture waves of fear within the populace. Each wave is followed by a period of relative calm, but after each calm, the fear intensifies. We’ve experienced such a period of calm this summer. A respite from our prisons. We were allowed to go mask-less, to travel a bit more, gyms reopened. And now, everything is even worse. By the winter the waves of terror, in the form of ever worsening news, conflicting reports and downright lies, will become overwhelming."

Do you feel "saved"? Because I sure don't. If anything one reason for my bravery in speaking out is knowing my chances of surviving the next few years is low anyway given the collapse I expect to be coming.  May as well keep what integrity I got.  The people busy destroying my life, and the lives of millions don't care. Sometimes I think Americans had it too good, and it's made them easily taken in. They forgot the march of totalitarianism never ceases. My in laws almost got killed during WWII, running through the woods from snipers, seeing "bodies stacked like cordwood" according to my father in law. Stalin, Mao and Hitler killed tens of millions, but somehow this delusion kicked in after 50 years, where we were supposed to believe that our leaders "care about our health"? Are you kidding me? I'm the woman who couldn't even get antibiotics, and yes that cost me a hospital visit or two where I could have died. I bore the brunt of the system. No Calvary is coming and often the would be calvary is led by a sociopathic asshole. 

One thing I've been pondering lately is the nature of sociopaths. I was raised by a mother, I believe who had no conscience. I've always said, I thought her place on the narcissistic spectrum was extremely high. I wonder if this history made me less likely to be taken in by the nonsense. We have too many sociopaths in charge. I've been around mid-level wealthy people to pick up on how they see the world. They do see many people as the "unwashed masses". Most of the "liberals" now are full ableists, and racists, wanting "the unclean" vanquished from public life. Do any of these people who want everyone banned from places ever think anything out? It's a way of being erased, a way they will make people non-people. What's my motive here? To stay alive, not to suffer any more medical trauma? Isn't that the motive of those who are standing up. We want to survive. We know our leaders are LIARS. 

Sociopaths always use scapegoats for power. I think the unvaxxed are going to serve that role now. Compassion gets shut down. People who support the system, have been led to think things like: Why should they be allowed to go to a store to buy things they need? Let them suffer. Take their jobs away--that's happening across America NOW.  I speak out, and am gaslighted to death told things I see in front of my face aren't happening. It reminds me of life with my mother, except now it's on a far bigger scale. "Nothing to see here!" "Don't ask questions!" "Do what you are told!" All authoritarians operate in the same mode. Hitler scapegoated the Jews. Stalin went after all dissenters.  The powers that be know these divides work. They can take the focus off themselves and focus it on other people. Their most evil deeds hidden under the cloak of the scapegoat. We all know they fucked around around with viruses in a lab trying to create bio-weapons. I even read one researcher from years ago who said they believed humans could go extinct from a "cold" being weaponized. This gives me a chill almost every damn day.  Why is Fauci still employed? How did they get away with it being known what they did? They scapegoat, the attention is taking off them.

With spirituality, sociopaths hate any yearning for the better, they want to to control that too. They don't even ask if we even want their vision of society. I don't want to live in a hell version of AI where there's no such thing as a private conversation anymore or any real art. The spiritual too, also know there is something evil in their agenda to change humanity from within. 

By the way they are already opening camps, Australia has one going.



I can see this coming to America. Easily. They got people so afraid, they will commit any atrocity, that's how it works and that is what we are on the path of now. Anyone who is against this authoritarianism, this technocratic hell is my ally. 

Open Discrimination Against Those Who Have Refused

 
Israel got the most Covid Vs of any nation, their numbers are skyrocketing!

Antibody-dependent Enhancement?  Perhaps.  

It seems people would get a clue, that since they have to remask and everything is getting locked down again, that the Covid vs, have not prevented transmission or given immunity. 

This by the way is just revolting. I am done with the ACLU for life.

The ACLU has jumped the shark. 

By the way, all those nurses and health professionals refusing the v ...consider the fact they see the blood clots, dizziness, seizures, and other problems front and center. The web is full of their warnings, stories and outrage. All mainstream media outlets are into full censorship. Have any of you questioned the insanity of them firing half of a hospital's staff for refusing the v, when supposedly we all need health care workers more then ever? This is almost like planned collapse. 

I've had more tell me they regret getting the v. These are people who realize the endless slew of boosters with a new roulette wheel of side effects to be done every 6 months, is asking too much. Another person told me they keep getting dizzy spells. I am noticing the v.ed keep getting sick too. 

That all said, it's open season on those who have refused. In real life, I am laying low. Outside of joining a local Facebook group and searching for local allies, I'm not getting into it with anyone over this issue. I figure with the friends who got it already I will only cause them distress talking about my fears for them. Some researchers are warning of very scary stuff regarding prions. The micro-clots were bad enough.

Now lets look how I feel as a disabled person. The way this is all set up, no one gives a shit about medical exemptions or a people who have had lives full of medical trauma. No one cares that I have three immediate relatives that all had conditions related to myocarditis, including pericarditis, and Kawaski disease, and that I most likely have had my own bouts of vasculitis years ago. A history of anaphylatic shock, which helped to destroy your lungs by the way pushing you into full COPD while never smoking from the constant severe asthma attacks? They don't care. Severe autoimmune disease one which even deafened me? They don't care.

I would still be banned from restaurants, museums, gyms and the rest for life, in places like New York City and Los Angeles for not signing up for the v. Full totalitarianism has come and the disabled are considered disposable in such a system. Someone told me, they are seeing a lot of people who are disabled and in wheelchairs at no v mandate rallies. I  understand. I may be joining some here. I would like to ask where are the disability advocacy groups?  They've chosen politics over the real needs of disabled people. I need to write some letters.  

Remember those who had side effects from the first shot or second and refuse boosters, will be pushed into my group as the 'unvaxxed", their v passport won't be up to date.  They will be in my boat. Those with organ transplants will find themselves barred at the door of the restaurant or maybe grocery store too one day. People who want to try some treatments for Covid that have been banned too will be denied those treatments. This is all wrong.

Now lest you think this is just on the macro-cosm of our growing tyrannical system--the pandemic in my opinion with the gain of function funny business was brought in more for their desired social control digital IDs and more, it's happening on the micro-cosm too. How do you think it makes me feel to see people write "vaxxed friends only" on a dinner party potluck invitation related to a group I am in? It's open discrimination time.

 What is weird is the vaxx doesn't stop anyone from getting Covid or from carrying it but those of us who didn't get it are to be discriminated against?  I didn't say anything. At this point what can I say without making myself a target? There's risks even online speaking out about this growing evil. 

How do you think it makes me feel to watch friends who don't know my status write things on Facebook like "f*ck the unvaxxed, they should die, they deserve what they get, they should be banned from everywhere, they should be rounded up, etc."

What gets me is so many of them are sick, like some have bad brain fog problems but blame it on Covid or being asymptomatic with Covid, and have no realization the spike proteins from the shots are probably affecting them. Then I read about the ones who have Covid or getting tested though they are vaccinated and one had pneumonia. Another thing that disturbs me too, is they want to force these vs on people who already had Covid and are now immune from it, and they too will be lumped in and discriminated against if they don't line up.

I wasn't planning to go the dinner party anyhow. I am laying low and socially distancing out of my own high risk and to avoid being blamed as the "unclean" unvaxxed because I believe the ADE could already be kicking in and don't want blamed. If illness breaks out in a group, be it my writer's club, or any other group I am in, I don't want fingers pointing at me.  I still wear the masks, that doesn't matter to those who want to divide society and force medical coercion. 

With my history of ostracization, and discrimination, ask me how it feels to be banned from places, and to have even more of an "outsider" status imposed and to now live in such a totalitarian society, that to even protest, paints a target on my back!

You know, they acted like they cared about old people and others more likely to die from Covid, but in reality they are making our lives far worse.  Ask all those old people in nursing homes who were kept from seeing their adult children and other relatives for over a year how they felt about it. How about all the people forced to die alone? The rule makers just seem to want everyone to suffer as much as possible. Do I feel safer? Hell no. I think society is on the edge of full collapse. These lock downs have ruined society more than helped. There's now active discrimination against the disabled. All these "woke" types don't care either that basically they are forcing segregation against minority groups too because most don't want to line up for an experimental v either. 

70 percent of black people have refused, they don't trust the govt or the system why should they? The discrimination they cheer for against the unvaxxed will bring as bad as segregation as Jim Crow. One can already tell the class and race lines being drawn, middle class and above "woke" whites living their technocratic dystopian dream via screens, but what about everyone else?

You know it would be different if these vs were not so unsafe and so experimental. I do fear the spike proteins.  Covid messes people up with it's spike proteins and then they give a v, that has your body produce spike proteins. What's wrong with that picture? Don't people think anything out anymore?

Are people realizing yet they have been conned that they have been forced into a v subscription service?

They don't care and no longer think. The wealthy "woke" crowd, wants the two tier society, the technological professional crowd with their vaccine passport smart phones and everyone else. They are racist and classist. They are basically excluding most minorities, the disabled and the poor from society. They want their shiny version of Logan's Run, there will be no need of carousel, the roulette wheel with Covid vaxx boosters will lower the population. Just the fact these sick bastards don't care that myocarditis kills 50 percent in 5 years is horrific too. See anyone crying for those teens who got that? In the sane before times, the vs would have been stopped alone for that. 

Few know this, but they are fining people 35,000 dollars for refusing to wear masks on airplanes. One person on a message board relayed a story where a passenger on a plane got this huge crazy life-destroying level fine, for having their mask slip under their nose too many times. I had moments where I got sick wearing the masks, and had to run outside to take it off to breathe right and get enough air. Even there, the craziness is out of control. 

I am now utterly politically homeless because I cannot abide by what the left in America is doing. Free speech is disappearing. The censorship is out of control.  They are threatening people's jobs all over. There's a reason I write v or vaxx, instead of spelling words out, think about it. I was on a message board, where we could talk about what was happening. They had the usual army of astoturfers there too, but there was real people asking questions. It was a huge one, and down it went. The censorship is getting out of control. This tells me they are up to something very bad. I know I am posting some scary posts on twitter. What in the hell are they hiding? I woke up in the first place noticing free speech was gone. Where do they find all these suck ups and sell-outs to censor everything? They disgust me.

 I know the professional world has too many narcissists and bootlickers who rose up via nepotism and conformity in it, but damn......

 People aren't allowed to question any of this and have been online pushed into their own alternative websites because they must control the narrative at any cost. Mass pyschosis has taken over. People better wake up before it's too late.

Wanting to ban me from getting groceries, buying supplies, or even a pencil down at the Dollar Store, is evil, no matter how you try to excuse it.  I wear KN95s due to high risk and spend 40 bucks a week on masks, because I consider cloth ones ineffective but because I haven't had v, all these indoctrinated people think I and others like me should be banned from everywhere. I can easily see these types wanting people rounded into camps and even worse to be done to them.  There had to be tons of people sleeping through history class. 

Why don't they ask why the vaxxes didn't open up their own life? In the before times, vaccines actually immunized, outside of flu shots, that's how most worked. I am in my 50s, and in my entire life, no one had to risk blood clots and other extreme health risks just to get a vaccine. This is something "new" and it is not acceptable. The open discrimination against people for their medical choices is evil too. 

My Big Fat Fabulous Life Gets Another Season

My Big Fat Fabulous Life is back for another season. Sadly it looks like they are having her do another "fake relationship" that will end up in misery. Doesn't she date in real life at all? I hate that she can't get a long sustaining real boyfriend or husband. Can you imagine if we got to watch an actual wedding or real relationship? It's a repeat of the "desperate" fat woman who can't get a man trope.  I would have more respect for her if she just decided to live a happy life being single.  Enjoy having a family that cares about you and so many friends. She takes the friends for granted and gets too jealous of them. She also makes impossible demands of them like when she asked Heather to be a surrogate. Who are actors and actresses and who are "real friends"?  Buddy looks checked out and like he wants to run but stays for a paycheck. She is always grabbing at him which is kind of gross. 

Whitney also ditches men that seem actually interested like Lenny and goes for unobtainable men like Buddy who is distancing himself more for her lack of boundaries. Dating some "secret" guy in France isn't going to cut it, if she wouldn't move 2 hours in her own state for Chase. Who knows if that relationship was real either? She's not going to do it for some unnamed and unpictured French guy.

She pushes this idea everyone has to be coupled up or they are worthless and I hate that. She pushes old fashioned meat market ideas about thinness and fatness that make life worse for the fat women. Give up the desperation for a man! She's too picky and cast off the ones who would have had her anyway. Any single fat women watching her show aren't going to be empowered but more depressed. I've been married over 2 decades and find the man hunger depressing.  Her possible personality disorders may be scaring the men away anyhow. She discards the few good ones when she's bored and is always looking for the next best thing.  She seems to show borderline, narcissistic and even histrionic traits. The psychiatrists would have to figure it out. I know people who want attention are more likely to get TV shows but even there, I feel some disappointed. She doesn't treat people very well, she wants everything to revolve around her. 

She hates being fat and mentions weight loss surgery more than a few times. She also gained during Covid lockdowns.  Who can blame her for that though? People in general have gained a lot of weight. I went down a little bit when I got weighed 2 months ago and find out next week where the weight is. I hope it did not go up.

Ever since it was hot, I swelled like crazy, my legs feel like logs of pain even though I have done all the wrapping and Flexitouch time.  Some smaller people who used to be average or thin have gained a lot of weight. There's women I see on Zoom who look like they have gained 100lbs. I feel sorry for them all because once it's on, it's almost impossible to get off. A thin person who enters fat land has a special version of hell to confront. People will not treat them the same.  They lock everyone in cages what do they expect? Some people with weight and metabolic problems, are scared of life like this. I need the gym back, my health has gone downhill from the stress, lack of personal contact and more. There's so many activities that got wiped away. This is not living. 

One thing bugs me about Whitney Thore is if she is so unhappy being fat why not go to a rehab or clinic?  She could go to Duke or Mayo. She has the money to make it happen.  It makes no sense to me. I wonder why someone with money who is so overweight and faces problems from it, won't buy some relief and support?

She could find out she has Lipedema or other issues affecting the weight. I know institutional life is probably worse during Covid but I always wondered that before. This one lady I know went to a clinic for chronic pain and told me, it would do wonders for me, but she doesn't realize for people in my socioeconomic class, those are pipe dreams. Our medical bills are huge just staying home and getting the necessary done, especially since my husband is not insured. 

My mobility is getting bad lately, I wish I could afford to get more help. I may seek out a pain clinic. With food, I did take the diet to new places, with vegetarianism, and more health food. A person can only do so much.  I'm kind of at an impass. I know some of my rheumatological problems are progressing, I've been seeing a kidney specialist over a urologist too. Some of the pain is getting out of control, every joint feels like it's failing even one wrist at times.  My Lipedema is progressing, it got very hot and humid and I swelled up so much it was horrific. It is a scary life where just to move means some pain and more swelling. This was always an issue for me, the more I did, the more I swelled up. Now couple that with the pressure not to be "lazy", or the pressure about "gaining weight" if I don't move enough. It's enough to drive a person crazy. Other people with CFS who are thin waifs can stay in bed, someone like me fears weight gain and pushes through the fatigue and pain.

I can still walk, [not well on a walker] and was told years ago, that bed bound people would be prioritized in the few specialized obesity rehabs I did find. I understood this. Of course they would have to help those unable to function. I fear for my functionality by the way but at least can shower and cook a meal. I also do not want put into a nursing home like the one show on that one TV show years ago with the severely obese. Lipedema does progress and it's scary, the older you get, the worse it gets.  The pain is affecting my life. I have to try and get more help for myself. I am not sure how I will make it happen. Most of my life has been spent trying to stay out of the nursing home.

However Whitney has the cash to go into whatever rehab or specialized clinic she would want, where she could be supervised by endocrinologists, physical therapists, have a full exercise program, foods---all salads and whole foods, and more. She could get 100 off even and be a far happier midsized person. I am always working on things, but this body is beyond me. To get a hundred off would be nice. Just getting back into the 400s, would please me immensely at this point.

I tried to go into an inpatient weight loss programs years ago [Brookhaven, etc] but due to my low economic resources, it seemed like it was nothing but nursing homes that specialized in the obese, and because I could still walk, I was told I'd be long down the list. One friend who was in rehab told me in institutions the food is a lot worse.  The Brookhaven diet looked disgusting. I know normal people aren't eating teff and buckwheat noodles. I pay 10 dollars for a special large yogurt that doesn't have the endless added sugar of the majority.  My diet is far more extreme even to keep would be digestive problems under control too. 

To go into institutional care in my case, I would have had to shut down my entire home, life, and live on 30 dollars of spending money.  Enough friends in rehabs or nursing homes, told me about the real deal. A lot of women with advanced Lipedema can end up in nursing care, so this is one reason I know so many people who have been in them. Before Covid I had somewhat of a life and did not want to lose it, fat or not. [art class, church, etc etc] although my bad lungs would keep me housebound at times.

Whitney whether she has a binge disorder, ED or Lipdema or other medical conditions could get more help. She may even need an androgen blocker to lose weight. That helped me years ago before I was forced off it.

Whitney has the CASH to get her problems dealt with and the fame to make it happen. She needs real doctors not WLS salesmen because if the inner hormonal and other problems aren't dealt with, she will never lose weight. I still think the possibilities of her having Lipedema are very high. Some people tell me they disagree, and she has eating disorders only, but if she does have Lipedema it would be better if she found out. Imagine what it would do in education about the disorder. 

The show does make me sad overall, because society sees this fat woman, and makes judgments about fat people accordingly. She has a happier fuller "life" then many and still is healthy enough to be active, but sadly with the "desperate to have a man" attitudes, and the refusal to get more intense help when she is unhappy with being fat and going with the usual non-answers, sometimes the show can get depressing.  Her personality issues are hard to bear, and make it hard to relate to. I am still watching it more like a car crash.

It's not exactly fat acceptance empowerment city when a show protrays a woman who cares the most about her attractiveness on the meat market of dating and aspires to be just like "thin athletes" not taking the reality and limitations of her body into consideration. Even there the usual fixes are pushed like weight loss surgery instead of deeper examinations or even honesty about would be endocrine disorders, other conditions or the real struggles of fat people.  At least they are showing her going to this one fat woman's travel group, to be around other big people.