Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Aunt Scapegoat Has Died

                                         picture by me....a sad desolate winter one.

It's sad. I wondered why her?

Aunt Scapegoat

My brother called this morning and told me she died yesterday. The details of her death seem fuzzy. Can I call a hospital and find out how she died? I was told it was a combination of things something to do with a hernia and she had a recent car wreck last month, but I don't know if the car wreck caused the hernia or what happened. Even the relatives who are on Facebook have been mum and no one has posted that she has died.

 I asked my brother if she lived in a nursing home or her trailer and he told me she still lived in her trailer. I was RIGHT about my mother holding power of attorney over her. Remember I had suspected my mother had grabbed guardianship over her.  What happened to her? Can someone advise me in finding out? Well that may be another dead end. I have to wait a day to even ask the cousins because I don't want to be the first one who informs them.  My brother seemed kind of like he only got what my mother told him.

I feel some guilt in that I had gone NC with her though more informally, I never made any formal pronouncements of it to her. Here I feel some huge regrets and was crying earlier, because I had thought of trying to call and contact her again and obviously I waited too late. There's no going back.

I tried for years to reach out to her though before. It was painful and because she was so controlled by my mother, and earlier on my grandmother, I failed multiple times before, and didn't want to go down that track. I had been hurt multiple times and didn't want to keep opening myself up to more pain. That's why I didn't try again. So the last time I saw her was in 2010 or 2011 when she was recovering from a heart valve surgery replacement and was at my mother's house recovering.  My husband reminded me, "You tried with her many times. She was so shut down."

At times it seems this world sucks, it seems the narcs raise their hands in victory while the narcs celebrate. They win, and their victims always lose. I had imagined reconciliation with Aunt Scapegoat, or something changing in the wind, where I could have reached her. Now it will never be. I feel helpless and hopeless. Why couldn't I do more? Why did I always have to be so broke? So empty-handed?

 I feel like the earth will close over someone and she will be forgotten. My brother told me she will be cremated unlike other relatives who got their $12,000 dollar coffin and a place in the family Catholic cemetery. No burials and tombstones for her like the other relatives, her memory will be wiped away. It is interesting to notice the different treatment of her in death then other relatives who got the big affair, even other relatives of limited financial means. I suppose this tells me her "importance" in the scheme of things, and I am creeped out because I said to my husband before, that if she died, they probably would cremate her and not give her a huge funeral like other relatives. {not that I agree with those either but hopefully you'll see what I mean}  My brother told me it's because she rejected Catholicism, in her case as an atheist. He told me they plan a memorial service in the spring. My mother is states away in Florida after all.

I googled her obit, and all that was written about her personally besides other relatives that had died, was this  "******** loved animals including her cats. A memorial service will be held later." It was one of the shortest obits in the history of mankind. I can tell my mother wrote it. That's how she summed up a sister she has had for 60 years. A life summed up in one sentence. She liked cats.

I got into it with my brother and reacted emotionally and told him one reason I went NC with our mother is because of what she said about Aunt Scapegoat. I talked about this in the Queen of Darkness article if you want to read the sordid details.

I cussed more on the phone then I have cussed in five years. I told him "You better take one real look at what your mother really is!" When I told him about what my mother said about Aunt Scapegoat, he was in shock. I don't know if I got his eyes opened or not. He said "Why didn't you tell me this before?" I said, "Because it seems you didn't believe me!" He then said, "But they never say things like that in front of me. I said "Of course not, why would they?" You think they want us allying together knowing what pieces of crap of they are?"

Then I went on and lost it, I'll edit out a few of my worse curse words I said. God forgive me for my language but I got emotional....."They treated this woman like shit her whole life".  They tortured her and treated her like she was nothing. They put her down and we spent our entire childhood to when I got away hearing about what a loser she was and they never let up!" There's a reason why she got sick so young just like me. Don't you get that one reason I walked away was I didn't want to be her, crushed by a pair of sociopaths?" He didn't argue with me on this stuff he saw the same thing.

He wants me to go to the memorial service, supposedly it will be in the spring. I went to see nephews and a few cousins and yes I know it could be a danger zone I have to seriously think about. I don't know....My life has very few trustworthy people in it.

I was very close to Aunt Scapegoat earlier in life. I have a lot of carried pain because of what happened to the relationship I remember. We were very close and could talk about many things and cooked meals together and told jokes. Back then we were a source of support to each other. In my 20s I spent entire weeks visiting with her, and remember talking with her. During those days she had a spark of energy and a spirit that took an interest in many things.  She loved music and I could share art with her. There was even one time she saw my comics and laughed and laughed. She cooked me tasty stir fry and introduced me to the music of the 1970s including Pink Floyd. I will never understand what happened to her. Even my brother admitted, she followed her own drummer. These were the years before they crushed her. He said today, "She was a black sheep too."

In later years as she started to close me out, I couldn't even figure out what happen it took me so by surprise.  She got sick and then got divorced. Her life imploded under severe disabilities, needing dialysis and other pressures. I tried to keep contact even via Chicago years and others and then the time came when she threw my painting in the closet.

They really did do what they could to destroy the relationship. My grandmother told me lies, before I could see out of the fog, "Aunt Scapegoat doesn't want to talk to you" In 1991 I remember driving home and crying wondering what had happened? I tried calling her when I was down there, and knocking on the door and she did not respond.

My mother said the same. I was told by my GC sister, "Aunt Scapegoat doesn't like you. I would see her at family gatherings and then she started to avoid me. One time I got a smile when we exchanged some Christmas gifts but that was a rare moment in time. The time she got mad at me for expressing beliefs in 2005, was a mistake on my part. She called me a "Christer" [angry that I had a Christian viewpoint of the topic--I never was a Republican] and was angry. I think the relationships was forever severed at that point despite my best efforts.

And then there was the last time I saw her sitting on the couch recovering from that surgery and she was so beaten down. Her head down and shamed by my mother as usual after she shouted at her for not being clean enough and when she went upstairs, I said to my mother "Why are you bothering a sick woman about being clean?" but I didn't do enough which shames to me this day. I saw no physical abuse or anything reportable, but I should have said and done more. Here is what I wrote on the Queen Spider article about what transpired that day:

"3. Said of her sister who by the way who is more physically functional then me except for her dialysis who she played martyr around and brought into her home to heal from her heart valve surgery--"She needs to stop getting these surgeries and needs to just go die". During this conversation she acted "put upon" for Aunt Scapegoat's care. I thought to myself, "Why not just leave her be? Why offer care only to play that game?" She complained to me about how much Aunt Scapegoat's colostomy bag smelled right in front of her. "She stinks!" Leave it to a super-sniffer sociopath to torture the world and a severely ill woman for every wayward smell.

I ask myself when my mother told me she wished my aunt would die, why didn't I say more, why didn't I confront? Why did I just say "Everyone wants to live" and something about "God wanting them to live?" I shouted at my brother, "That's the day I knew I was going to walk away it's time for you to get a clue and wake the hell up. It's the day I knew our mother was EVIL."

Why God Why? Doesn't even explain the emotions I am having.


Post Script 2/25/16: I talked to a cousin on Facebook PM last night, this is one of my nice cousins. He told me very recently that he had told my aunt, I thought she was mad at me. She told him she was not and had shared fond memories of me with her. She even showed him a painting that I did for her, I had forgotten about giving her. This was a different one from the flower one my mother told me was put into a closet into a box and was a landscape. I told him I was happy to hear this. One commenter below wrote "I'm sure they told your aunt that you didn't like her just like they told you that your aunt didn't like you." This was exactly what happened. My aunt was very poor and denied a phone, only given phone cards or disposable cell phones that only called out. There were years I was sending her cards and presents, where I didn't even know her phone number or was given phone numbers that just rang and rang or there was no way to respond or leave a message on. My mother held her guardianship and I think she was afraid to reach out to me and of course this was complicated by illness and her own withdrawal from people.

I was told by my mother "She doesn't want to talk to you" and by my sister "She doesn't like you, you bother her, she disagrees with you on things." and by both my grandmother and mother when I was sending her paintings and boxes of books, she loved to read, in the early to mid 2000s, "Don't send her anymore things, she does not want them." I was denied her phone number at various times and my grandmother told me at least twice, during the years I was trying to call about once every two months and there was a number, "Stop bothering your aunt."

The depth of evil of what I have faced here is very severe and has given me a new realization of what has been done to me and others. My cousin lost contact with her for years and only reclaimed it in the last two moving very close to her area. Even he would try to contact her to be turned away but because he lived so close was able to reclaim a relationship with her. It makes me glad there was someone around her who loved her around her during the last months of her life.  It does relieve me to find out how she really felt.

Why Do People Do This?

You have a online friend, and you share many good moments together, you joke, you talk about personal things, you share art with them, they share poetry with you. You may share personal problems and other things, and then suddenly they get angry at you. They tell you that you are a great person and they love you. You hope it is true, you like them, they are interesting and smart.  Was I loved bombed? Now I think so.

They have shared problems with you some even far worse then yours but suddenly yours are too much for them. You don't know what you did wrong. Suddenly they close you out. They do it slow and low, saying things like "lets take a break" and sticking to the weather. The freeze-out was immediate.

They do the polite dance steps. Along the way, you have noticed something is wrong with the stories they are telling you, something doesn't add up. The medical things and other things sound weird and don't make sense, why have they only show you a picture from 1988 and you showed them up to the minute photos on Facebook?  You notice when you disagree with them they seem angry. You didn't mean to upset them but you know you can't denounce Jesus Christ to make someone happy and agree with them that the Bible is fake and full of errors. You told them you were a Christian on the first day, so that gets weird. It's not like you made your beliefs secret.

 Something seems fishy. Internet relationships can be complicated. You aren't seeing the person in real life. Was I catfished I wondered?  Well catfishes are usually romance types but I wonder if it can be done with fake platonic friendship. Why else did someone befriend me, get me to open up and bare my soul to them only for them to dump me once they emptied my brain out? Do some people enjoy playing games? Were some enemies trying to get the goods on me? What else is there to find out? I have an entire freaking blog, detailing the woes of my life. Am I paranoid for thoughts like this? Stranger things have happened to people online.

I know now while I have some good friendships online, one friendship is a few years old but I've seen dozens of pictures of her, and she is real,  a few are over 12 years old in duration, and I had my good friend from years ago who I was friends with for 17 years who died. I have to be more cautious about who I meet online and who I bare my soul to. The person in question even told me they were a fellow Aspie. Well I went down that road before with one blogger I parted ways from.

This stuff hurts, it really does. My deceased online friend told me if you can find one person you can trust in this life time then you are more fortunate then many people. I know what she means now. Why are people like this? So fake? I would rather someone tell me to go to hell then give me the stupid freeze outs and fake crap. It hurts bad. I cry over all these people who couldn't give one crap about me. What gets me is the stuff I ignored. I knew something was wrong but I wanted things to be true. Well at least this time I only wasted 6 months instead of 4 years or 30 years like with the college friend. I broke it away first. She was freezing me doing the cold polite thing. I could feel it. My intuition is usually proven correct. I wanted to be wrong. I wasn't.

 Sometimes a person feels unlovable with this crap. Like everyone hates them and they must be a bad person that everyone should hate. I am too sensitive.  If not for my husband and good friends where would I be? I need to talk to a therapist. Dear Therapist why do people hate me? I have analyzed every bad fault. Ok I complained too much. My depression got the better of me. I sent cards, I tried to be a good friend. I wanted to know sincerely how they were doing. I did CARE. Okay does that mean I suck and should be vanquished to pariah hell forever? Maybe it's not me. Maybe some people just hate me out there just because they want to. Maybe they hate my personality, the spark of life. Maybe it's religious division the Bible warns about.

Sheesh this has been a very hard week.....

You all will see why with the next article too.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

No Longer Allowing Bad Treatment in my Life

When one is an ACON and enters a healing phase, it can bring upheaval to your entire life. I have ended several friendships in the last two and half years.  The number of people I have walked away from is rather high.  I even shocked my own self in walking away from some people. What can I say but that going NC changed me? For ACONs that go NC from their narcissistic families, why would we put up with other negative "friendships" and relationships?

There's some things I'm pondering lately about regarding my interactions with other people. Some relationships went so badly. Sometimes yes, I have asked if it was me? On one ACON support board I go to, today they were talking about how people don't believe that a scapegoat or ACON can be surrounded by so many narcissists. "There must be something wrong with you, to have so many troubled relationships with people or with an entire family" is the whole message. The problem is that narcissists attract narcissists. One poster pointed out how if you are abused by your parents and turned into the scapegoat, healthy and nice adults won't want to get close to you and chances are your narcissist parents are bonding with other enablers and narcissists so your life will be more full of would be abusers, with certainly very few allies. It's one reason scapegoats can be disbelieved or deemed as the PROBLEM.

I realized with such severe emotional and other abuse it is like I was SET UP FOR LIFE. It brought abusers right into the door.

I am happily married and have good friendships, but more I have pondered how so many negative relationships occurred in my life. And yes during times of self-doubt I have asked "Is it me?"  My personality I know is too intense for some people.  The side of me that is driven to activism and even writing a blog like this one, is the good part of that personality trait but others may find it too intense and wearing and wonder why I am in "warrior" mode so often?

I even worried the other day after a friend did something really nice for me, that I wish I had the resources to do more for others.  Trying to work through being a normal person or contending with one's fleas, can be difficult work. Us Scapegoats have our work cut out for us.

I have walked away from something like 30 people when you include all the number of relatives I went no contact with. It's scary because it's like my dance card got totally erased outside of husband and a few close friends.

 It is hard to explain how in some ways my eyes were opened.  I thought about old conversations like I posted today. I have thought, "Why did I allow people to speak to me this way?" "Why did I find this acceptable?" Why didn't I tell my brother to take a flying leap into the nearest lake? He deserved nothing else. For some reason my personality trait of "trying so hard to be loved" really did me in. I sat there eating the poo sandwiches being served by too many people and it extended far out beyond the family sphere.

 If there is any damage a hateful evil narcissists does to a young child, it's this training to not even establish boundaries or stand up for themselves. There is this FEAR developed where we are trained to SUPPRESS our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions to please others and it affects relationships badly and brings in the toxics.  It gives too much insecurity to otherwise good relationships and it allows the predators right in the door who see you as prey. I have had to train myself not to be afraid anymore. Fearing not being liked only leads to bad ends. Fearing the endless rejection your narcissistic family set you up leads to more interpersonal difficulties. The narcissistic families lead us to deny ourselves our own SELF RESPECT.

By my 30s, and when I had become a Christian, I started paying attention to people who had the traits I found desirable. Who was kind and good? Who treated others like human beings? Who had empathy and sympathy? Who valued what I valued? During this period of life is when I was beginning to break through my family's set up and in some ways it was the good and decent people who started opening my eyes for me later to go no contact and start "departing from the wicked" and toxic people.

From a spiritual stand-point this was necessary, I had been surrounded by such wicked people growing up.

 Looking at old pictures, I saw the smug eyes of my relatives surrounding me and there I was aiming to please with a smile, it made me mad. Inside for years with some of the negative relationships, I would have bad thoughts I pushed aside, "So and so always puts you last", This person does nothing but correct me as if she is judge and jury over my entire life", Why doesn't she value what I value? Why has she sold her soul to the system"?

But inside the main thought for every relationship I walked away from was....

"They treat you like your family did"

I even ended a thirty year old friendship recently. And yes that was my main thought. She treated me just like my family with that core disrespect and seeing me as a lesser among other people. I am not the same person she knew in college. 

Two college-era friendships I ended, they were all about their careers.

 I ended up with workaholics. Wasn't that the formula I had been given by my parents?  Why did laid back ex-art teacher me end up with career obsessed women? What did we really have in common? Not much. My family had taught me work and "What you did for a living" is everything that counted about a person. This is a belief I am done with. Some of the workaholics would shame me over being disabled. Work was everything to them. Unlike me who had to apply for hundreds of jobs for every one I got, these women had family and other connections that made the workplace a far different place. They were rewarded for their efforts in other words and made near 6 figures. They made real wages not joke ones. Most likely they had narcissistic traits that gave them success in the work-world. They sold out to the system and defended its injustice.

With one ex-college friend who was married, until I learned about narcissism, her behaviors and actions made no sense to me. Now they do. She shoved people aside. She always pushed people to the last of the line. She even complained to me, that she had no friends left and I told her, "Well you have to actually pay attention to friends once in a while to keep them in your life." It is sad how I hung in there far longer then her other friends who were smart enough to walk away far sooner.

When I walked away, and I ended my "friendship" with her within days of my no contact from the family, it occurred to me, I had been there begging for crumbs for far too long.

One ex-friend from college, treated me like a reflecting mirror.  When I learned about narcissism, this opened my eyes as to the dynamics I was trapped in. I cared about her but she didn't care about me as a person, she had no interest in my actual life or seeing me in person even after thirty years, I was there to counsel and give her supply. She saw me as someone to feel superior to. This was less obvious when our relationship existed in a vacuum where it was just us on long distance phone calls for years, but when we entered the social world of social media, she treated me like a worm. She betrayed me and mocked me to others. She had absolutely no loyalty putting the feelings of internet strangers first.

I also have learned to avoid and remove myself from the Mrs. Fix Its.  Here I had to pay attention to some of my own negative traits, in seeking "mothering" figures and talking about too many of my problems.  Being freed from condemnation that my family gave me, I believe will allow me to give to others more and no longer approach the world, in a deferential and people pleasing way that allowed those type of abusers to enter my life.

One thing I have faced in my life, is I tried to replace the mother I never had. I'm too old for this crap now. People my age have grandchildren. In one way this served me in a positive fashion, in that one very loving and kind friend was a "mother" to me. She was 25 years older and we would joke, that she was like my Mom. She provided 20-30 something me with loving guidance and we talked about life. Sometimes people can heal finding positive role models and heal in this way. She died in 2010 and I still miss her. We were friends for almost 20 years.

However this allowed the Project Friends and Mrs. Fix Its to come in. I am avoiding Mrs. Fix Its and Project friends now, knowing as a disabled person this left me more vulnerable to relationships like this. Disabled people when we talk among ourselves, we know that these kind of things happen. It is one of those facts about being disabled and this can include all sorts of conditions. People see us as charity projects, to take on, instead of equal and valid human beings. We have to be even more vigilant in keeping friends who see us as equal human beings. We may still need help from time to time, but receiving help from people who see us not as "others" but as real human beings, is help that won't hurt. When I did charity or volunteer work in my life, my approach was never this, I saw the people I helped as equals, so why should I put up with this? I don't anymore.

I know because my family treated me like a "broken throwaway" that coming out into the world, with this stance that I was defective set me up for relationships like this. This really brought to fruition for me how horrible and bad their treatment of me really was and evil on an insidious spiritual level, and the extreme extent I had been scapegoated. Here too, I have to be careful of the fear and feelings of rejection they gave me, I struggle with socially related to my Aspergers and "doing things wrong".

Scapegoats are often set up like they have to prove themselves to others, that they are "broken beyond repair" and that they are in need of "fixing" and that brings in people who may be using us for their own agendas or see us as people to use to elevate themselves. This makes for dangerous codependency.  When we approach others with shame, it puts us in a very weak position. It brings in religious narcissists and others who can spiritually abuse us and act like they are superior, and who will tell us, just like our families, "Yes you are broken" and now "Now let me fix you."

I run like hell now when someone promises me religious miracles. An equal friend praying for me is one thing, but here recovering scapegoats need to be very careful in churches. Many churches have replaced the gospel with human potential movement nonsense that focuses on self improvement and "winning" in this world, and that sets up spiritual disasters and more condemnation based in the narcissism of our day and age.

Starting to demand decent treatment and respect will change one's life. The early years of doing this will be difficult. You will wonder at times, "Am I going to be all alone?" after this clean out is done or you are in the process of doing it.

 You will start paying attention to what you value you in people.  I value my friends who treat people with honesty and respect and see other human beings as equals. They love learning and art, they care about other people. They don't sell out to "win" or stab people in the back. They emulate kindness, caring and compassion. When you are around them, you feel good. You feel you can be yourself. You aren't scared or worried about pleasing them or "saying the wrong thing". They have vulnerabilities, they admit faults. They care about justice and question the system.

 You can feel that you are loved and cared about. These true friendships will grow stronger as you get away from the negative and toxic people and there will be more room for your life for loving people. I know getting away from my family made my marriage even better.  Our love grew. So you will see these changes in yourself and in life. It can be a process. It's not easy but it's important to do.

The Way They Speak To Us

From an old PM interaction with my brother. [language warning] It's from some years ago.

He would have been telling the truth to say, "You don't care about her anyway".

In this one, I probably had complained about them driving by my apartment without seeing the nieces or nephews or something along those lines to him. My words weren't that extreme but the littlest rebellion against the Queen was to be stomped out at any cost.  Of course I didn't get much empathy. There never was any. He always took my mother's side on everything.

A decent relationship with anyone in my family is impossible. There's too much baggage there. Even the ones on the side lines that twitter on about Aunt Scapegoat or hold to the family lines, are impossible to talk to.  There is a feeling of anger and disgust in my stomach. Maybe they pick up on it. I can't erase it unless I get a lobotomy so good relationships are never going to happen. Nice polite words and being kind and sending cards, aren't going to form decent honest relationships. 

 Even with the extended cousins, while some and/or their children are still on my Facebook, I just went silent. I sent out a few birthday cards and did the social niceties but there is no relationships really there. With my brother years ago, I ceased all discussions of my mother and rest of the family and in the last two years all discussions of anything personal after his heart surgery were ended. He didn't even notice as I said nice things about the weather and asked how his boys were doing and this "change" was left unnoticed to him. The only time I talk to him now is when he calls on Thanksgiving or Christmas or one of his kid's birthdays. The relationship has already died out, he will be the same to me as seeing an old classmate I haven't seen in 30 years that is on my Facebook.

He gaslighted me too, telling me she was innocent as the driven snow, but he knew which side of his bread was buttered. His constant bragging wore me out too. There's a reason he told me his exact income for the weekend which probably amounted close to my monthly income at the time.  I think about too how these people spoke to me and gaslighted and invalidated me at every turn and yes I have asked myself "WHY DID YOU PUT UP WITH IT?"

He always told me he defended me, but I have realized that was a complete lie. It is weird how long it took me to realize that. It does horrify me how I allowed so many of them to talk to me like I was "nothing".  Those days are over.  Regular life is getting turned over, because I refuse to accept things from people I used to accept, but more on that in the next article.

A Little Humanity Would Have Made All the Difference

I wrote this to another ACON blogger...commenting on one of her articles.

It still boggles my mind how there was no humanity shown there.  People will tell us narcissists are "human" too,  and that is technically true but maybe mine were just so extreme. Even the cards full of denial and the cold appearance driven "politeness" nauseated me to the very end. You could tell everything was a calculation. They can't show emotions like other people and everything is about how they "appear".

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Public School

The Economy

Actually 17-20 an hour is really good. Most are making even less around here under 10 dollars an hour, but this does show how life has really changed. If you ever get a chance look at a magazine from the 1980s, it will blow your mind bringing back to mind just the knickknacks and things people spent their money on back then, the expendable income levels were far higher. The prices have gone far higher then the wages have. Globalism is a failure.

If you just DO this, You will be healthy!

Unsollicited lifestyle advice is harmful

I wanted to share this one. I am having to psychologically break away from the Mrs. Fix-It's of the world. I got them healthwise but also psychological wise.  Anything to fix "broken" me. If someone seems me now as being stuck in the land of "broken toys" and they want to be my savior, they can get out. Don't waste my time. I want real friends, not project ones. Disabled people of all sorts have to be careful of this. 

This goes along with the health theme I wrote about yesterday, where the healthy are judged as having "done something wrong". Many people today believe if you eat perfectly or live a "perfect lifestyle" [they don't care if you can afford it or not] that you will be healthy and you will heal. For someone like me who has stayed alive for 19 years since being disabled, this stuff has added up. False promises galore. 

Many severe stage Lipedema women suffer horribly because we have a disease that manifests itself as severe obesity and the world judges accordingly. We are told if we eat Paleo, or go to the gym for hours a day or if we "eat right", we will get a body like everyone else and it's a complete lie. The Lipedema world is not free from the diet saviors who come and lecture their CICO* daydreams at us.

"The truth is that we are the new smokers. Society thinks it’s okay to lecture us out of the blue. We not only deal with lipedema, but also with the ruling false assumption that body weight is all about calories in and calories out. It makes us automatically to blame for excess body fat, hence the mandatory guilt trip. It’s an unfair assessment which is unhelpful at best for those who are struggling to accept the way they look. By projecting their own (temporary?) excitement over a particular work out regime or diet they are much like a bull in a china shop, doing more damage than good. Maybe they mean well, but I will never be the one to drop 2-3 pounds a weeks, let alone several weeks in a row. Insisting they know a way around that is insulting. It implies I haven’t tried hard enough. And the saddest part? In their efforts to impose certain lifestyle choices I mostly recognize their own obsessions and frustrations regarding their body image being projected on me. Or a chance to shine with assumed moral superiority, which frankly is despicable.
It’s not only annoying. Much of the advice I get is plain wrong for me and anything but medically sound. It’s unbelievable that people are able to think they’re qualified to give lifestyle advice to a chronic patient, regardless the condition, based on something they read in a glossy magazine or seen on a sponsored TV show. If our doctors did that, there would be consequences for sure!

The insensitivity when it comes to the fat is mind blowing. So many people with lipedema (or obesity) suffer from depression, low self-esteem, a negative self-image and/or eating disorders. Yet, we are confirmed in our feelings: they’re labelled ‘appropriate’ for our current state and are meant to encourage us into a healthier lifestyle. By sending the message the plus-sized are not worthy is plain cruel. Change is not always on the table. Sometimes because of an underlying medical condition, sometimes because someone simply isn’t ready to take on the challenge and sometimes – tada – because they’re happy just the way they are. "

She sums it up well. I wonder too about the toll on us psychologically where we are put under these moral judgments for years and years and found wanting. It does take a toll and it's not good for the health they all claim to care about either!

*CICO [Calories In Calories Out]

Monday, February 15, 2016


The Problem With Being Sick

"You`re sick.

But that is not the problem.

The problem is that you had the audacity to be Chronically Ill. And that simply is not socially acceptable.

People want to know when you will get 'better'.

They wonder why you 'don't look ill'

They want to know when you will be ready to work.

They want to know how it makes 'sense' you can do things one day, and not another.

They don't want to work with you. Certainly don't want to accommodate you. Being forced to leaves a bad taste in their mouths. Why should they have to conform when clearly you can't 'handle it'?

And why do you decline all those invitations? Or never get any plans done when you say?

Why don't you conform to what a sick person should. Do everything you can to get better and you will, don't you know that?"

This is so true...

I have been told....

"You need to push yourself"

"I would rather be dead then live at your weight."

"If you were really disabled, you'd already be dead, no one is that sick for 20 years"

"If only you lost weight and ate right, why don't you want to lose weight?"

"God will heal you if you have deliverance or overcome your wickedness."

"God has a plan for your life and that includes getting better."

"You have nothing to show for your life, your life has been a waste." [probably some of you can guess who said that one]

There is this judgment out there for daring to get sick or in having any health problems. I used to think being fat earned me this illness derision but have gotten around other disabled people of normal weights who get the same garbage unloaded on them. I believe life has gotten harder for the disabled especially with New Age and other beliefs growing that illness is a self-caused and chosen thing. The prosperity gospel types certainly see illness as something arising out of a person's "poor choices" or "sins".

It took me years to figure out how people were seeing me. By one spiritually abusive person, I was seen as "cursed", church people saw me as having some deep secret evil for having such rare and deforming illnesses---remember how much I weigh, I do not look normal or even fit the criteria of normal. Many in the church community told me if I became a good person and released "negative" spiritual holds, that my body would become a good and normal body.  When I was not a Christian, people in the New Age community and other beliefs told me I must have been wicked in a "past life" to be so chronically sick so young. Others told me my karma was poor and I was paying for the evils and ill deeds in my past "incarnations". I could never get a break, the core message was being sick was my fault and no one else's. Supposedly I had chosen everything from bad lungs to out of control weight.

My family used my illness as one reason to abandon me and basically keep me out of the family where I wrote about them rejecting me first. This was done indirectly expecting a woman who was getting home nursing care at times to always be the one to do all the traveling and no one coming here. Sadly when sick, many people patronize you or only see you as a "duty" or you can become a "project". You are not even seen as a human being then but someone who remains as the "other". Churches are notorious for some reaching out the disabled and down and out and not seeing them as an equal person. Others still judge you on visible disabilities vs. invisible. So you're very overweight, they know other very fat people your size who can hold jobs and walk in the mall, why can't you? Why can't you breathe in the middle of August or January to go outside and travel when April was just fine?

It's tough, one gets tired explaining here too. With illness JADE comes in handy too.

Note: Fixed link on this one 2/18--

Sunday, February 14, 2016

560-Pound Man Says He’s Riding Across Country To Save His Life – But Is He Scamming America?

These contests and announcements of accomplishing extraordinary feats of athletic strength are crazy. He could be scamming but let's look at reality, at 560lbs his bicycle is probably breaking down every minute. Even when I was in high school and rode my bike constantly for a few miles a day, I had a flat tire every other minute and weighed in the 200s.  They do not make ordinary bicycles for fat people. At 560lbs even the strongest mountain bike is going to bust apart. The fact he is only getting 4-5 miles or even less done a day, tells me he is wearing out quickly and the physical demands are way beyond him. The two hateful thin people seem to be too caught up in his business, just ignore him and don't give him any money if you are not interested!

There is also the issue that exercise does not necessarily take off weight. It obviously is not working for him and this could point to a physical issue even beyond all the claims of eating junk food. His expectations of being able to ride the bike and lose weight are obviously failing. I could not ride a bike at all, even in terms of fitting on one and keeping my balance. Those days ended long ago. Trying to eat healthy on the road with a limited amount of money would be extremely difficult too. Foods like trail mix are fattening. Cheaper fast food does not sustain you and fattens you up.

These stories are promoted in the media I believe to make it seem like anyone can lose weight and be thin, if they "just try hard enough". 

His Go fund me website

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Long Past The Time To Walk Away


A friend posted this on Facebook, I think they were annoyed by their sister being late to a visit. It represented more then that for me though. I think about us ACONs though, especially those of us in the "ignored camp". My mother and sister would drive repeatedly within a mile of my apartment, while on trips to elsewhere. My brother told me, "I told them it wasn't right to do this." but I still wondered with him why he was shocked I walked away then? Why did he still make excuses for their treatment?

I could have gone two years without seeing nieces and nephews and she would not stop by. Rejection is a hard thing, I know it is something I struggle with as an ACON. It can hurt worse when it's relatives but being Aspie it is more complicated.

Our narcissist families would reject us all the time. There was no semblance of unconditional love where you were accepted and given a place. It's never easy. I remember when young I would chase people down, kind of sad and desperate of me. I didn't get stalky or anything like that but would call people and say "What's wrong?" So few would tell you the truth, they would make excuses. It makes me sad, that I did do this. A scapegoat's desperation to be loved can be a swathe of destruction across an entire life. It sets us up for trouble. It is a deep wound not to have a mother or parental figure who loved you. I felt it life-long and even being only four years old and thinking inside, "I am defective and not worthy of anyone's love."

I remember the friend from college who was always so busy and even if I waited a whole year to call her acted like I was bothering her. I ended my friendship or what there was of it, she only contacted me when she wanted medical advice for her or her children, the very month I went no contact with the family, she was added to the list. A "friend" of thirty years duration, I realized was treating me the same as my family, she liked calling me several times a week even though we lived long distance, but I realized as the years progressed she had no interest in ever seeing me again, not even when I got sick. I was held at a distance, like someone she wanted to "slum" with. I ended that friendship after betrayals and disrespect I could not make excuses for. Sometimes in a vacuum people will treat you decently, you talk to them on the phone but you have lived so long distance for so long, you hold no more mutual friends in common and then comes Facebook where there are other people and mutual groups and you realize they are treating you like a worm. You realize, how your family set you up to even keep a relationship like this in your life.

 Right now I am working my way through some of these issues and asking myself what defines the good relationships vs. the ones that went so badly. The good ones, I feel secure in, the people love me, they are loyal and don't reject me if we disagree on something. They are there for me in the ways that count and do not betray me for other people. I count too. The bad ones, well those things don't come so easily.

 When I was young,  I felt like I was begging people to include me in their lives. I don't beg anymore but it makes me sad. It doesn't seem to take much to get rejection, and trust me all of us ACONs went down the long lists over and over about why we angered everyone or what was wrong with us. The narc abuse sets us up, to be too "desperate and needy". Our relationships can become troubled because of this undergirding. Not having a family that loves or accepts you or even a parental figure that does can lead to a lifetime of insecurity. You never have had a place and sadly I think people can pick up on this about us. It is one reason ACONs can be more prone to abuse and for future predators.

With age as an Aspie, I learned that desperation was the soonest way to scare people away. I don't think I was needy when I wanted to see nieces and nephews once in a while who lived far away from me and who I didn't have money to go see. Health wise, I couldn't handle 12-24 hour bus trips even if those would be more affordable and yes it frustrated me.

 Here is a snippet of an email I got from my sister in 2010. I asked her to stop by with her children at my apartment for a few minutes to an hour. Her husband was not on that trip. At the time I had not seen them in a  year and a half. She was driving one mile from my apartment on a major highway that cuts through my state on the way home from my mothers and where I live is the midway point. She had spent an entire week at my mother's house. Notice the comment "We do miss seeing you wished I talked to you more often." Obviously that was a lie.

One thing I always noticed with my mother and sister is that other people always came far higher then priority then me. I once wrote my mother about something health related, and she said, "What about your sister and brother and their health problems?" This was before they hid my sister's cancer. I was always shoved in back of the line. My mother's letters would be detailing visits with her third cousins and great-aunts. One time before I went completely NC, she sent me a card asking to meet for lunch, and I tried to set it up with her and she ignored me for four days not even returning a couple phone calls. My mother is retired and has plenty of time and carries a cell phone on her. In a way I dodged a manipulative bullet and was able to continue to go No Contact knowing that "trying" anymore was a waste of time.

 One lesson for every ACON to learn is go never go begging when people reject you. I am not in take all comers land anymore. People make it obvious when they do not want you in their lives. We have to find independence even of being happy within ourselves.

Not having families that gave us this inner-security at a development point when young is something we ourselves will have to make up for.  With the narcissist families, they will keep you around to keep track of you but you really are not in their lives or part of it.  One life lesson to learn is when people reject you, it's long beyond time to walk away. If you are feeling that insecure feeling and know someone has put you last on the list, pay attention, it may not be a good relationship. It will be the family dynamics repeating themselves. 

Escaping these dynamics is escaping emotional slavery in general.  

They Left Me First

Friday, February 12, 2016

Glass Art

There's a glassblowing art center near where I live, and I've taken a good friend there from out of town to look at the glass art. It's great stuff. This man's glass art is wonderful too.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

When 5 year olds are fat, SOMETHING MORE is going on!

Most 5 year olds can't get in the car and go through the drive through by themselves. They aren't cooking hamburgers in the kitchen. The fattening up of the world is an environmental problem beyond every one person in the world who is fat, getting "lazy" and deciding to overeat. Ever see a 5 year old? Most just want to play. They eat when hungry. So something more is going on. Sir Peter Gluckman needs to realize that he is right about not blaming the two year olds but needs to reexamine the causes of adult obesity. My opinion of the United Nations is not very high, I don't see them taking on Monsanto or the effect of GMOs. Something is severely wrong when 70% of ALL children are headed for obesity.

The Mothers They Had

This seems almost idolatrous to me, like mother is supposed to be your "god". It has a kind of stalky flavor to it. " Mother will be below your window sill waiting and watching", "Mother will leave notes on your car while you are at work.". This one seems extraordinarily popular on Facebook. Several friends have posted it, it always makes me feel nauseous.  It does tell us the sort of mother's these other people had, they did love them and comforted, and nurtured them. This is the world none of us got to enter and well it helps me understand why they do not "get" or "understand" our experiences. I told my husband something weird the other day, I said, "Before I met you, no one ever hugged me and comforted me ever."

It's better they didn't go through what we did, but this tells us how "different" things were for them.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Gladiator Fest

No watching the "gladiator fest" for me. Football is as boring as watching paint dry.

Chronic Illness Cat to the Rescue

This one is a good one to post to all the "disabled" people haters I have encountered. Cruz voters and narcissist jerks like one cousin who told me I got to lay around in an apartment by the lake and that all disabled people were bums. She had a bug up her butt about me living near water. Okay you live in an ugly part of New Jersey but you could have moved. Get over yourself!

I got the flu, where I almost ended up in the hospital just pushing myself to do some dishes the other day. Unmentionable bathroom horrors, fever, pain and fatigue crushed me for three days, my husband begged me to go to the ER but I held out thinking of my medical bills not wanting to add to the tab and had him call the doctor on call at my house call doctors instead. I am still tired and hope all these posts I'm putting up make sense today but while I am typing much slower, its a distraction while I lay here. It's time to tell my doctor, say look this fatigue and lower immune system stuff is getting out of control.

I've been sick for 20 plus years if not my whole life. I'd like to tell some of these people, "You come live in this body and see how you do." There are days lately where even getting out of bed just feels so hard.  Which takes me to this chronic illness cat meme:

Chronic Illness Cat

Run Away With Me!

I make a joke to my husband, "Let's run away". He is a less impulsive personality then me in some ways. Maybe we just need a short road trip. Sometimes I want to run away from being ME, some of you surely understand what I am thinking.

Fluoride Stares?

When Lymphedema Gets Severe

Add this to there is/was someone else worse off then can see the pain in her face. I think this is the more rare Milroy's Syndrome. 

Traveling With Google Maps

I can't afford to travel far so do the next best thing, I pick random cities I want to look at on Google Maps and "travel" around the streets. Here's a scene from Dublin. It's an entertaining hobby. Spain would be an interesting new place to go explore. Maybe I'll do posts with interesting snips of places. Hey why not?

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Dry Wall Art Sculpture


Vonnegut on the Poor

"America is the wealthiest nation on Earth, but its people are mainly poor, and poor Americans are urged to hate themselves. To quote the American humorist Kin Hubbard, ‘It ain’t no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.’ It is in fact a crime for an American to be poor, even though America is a nation of poor. Every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. No such tales are told by the American poor. They mock themselves and glorify their betters. The meanest eating or drinking establishment, owned by a man who is himself poor, is very likely to have a sign on its wall asking this cruel question: ‘if you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?’ There will also be an American flag no larger than a child’s hand – glued to a lollipop stick and flying from the cash register…
Americans, like human beings everywhere, believe many things that are obviously untrue. Their most destructive untruth is that it is very easy for any American to make money. They will not acknowledge how in fact hard money is to come by, and, therefore, those who have no money blame and blame and blame themselves. This inward blame has been a treasure for the rich and powerful, who have had to do less for their poor, publicly and privately, than any other ruling class since, say Napoleonic times. Many novelties have come from America. The most startling of these, a thing without precedent, is a mass of undignified poor. They do not love one another because they do not love themselves."
Poor people in America are shamed beyond measure. I supposed it is this shame that gets most to keep voting for those who put the bankers on high like they are our "moral betters".  In the Republican "Christian" world there is a worship of the wealthy that is beyond glaring. It's why some of the poorest people I know want to vote for Cruz, who will do even more to make wages be repressed, rescind more worker's rights and dismantle even more of social security. Not that Clinton will be even better with her mega-corporate ties. Yes, they tell people it is easy to make money, like high paying jobs can be plucked off a tree. 

Some things in life cannot be fixed

Puppet Show

There's a reason Hillary Clinton won the 6 out of 6 coin toss which had something like 1% chance of happening. They always bring out the populists like Ross Perot who are never allowed to win and we get the usual Monsanto, corporate supporter and CFR chosen at the top. Did you know Hillary Clinton is on the board of Walmart? Did you know that Cruz's wife worked for Goldman Sachs?

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

The Oligarchy's Successful Brainwashing

I've tried explaining this one to COUNTLESS people deceived by the right. In the churches I left too, this was the prevailing belief, that people who were poor were "lazy bums" who did not want to work. They even looked down at my husband like he was a "bum" at the last one, and my husband "works" and even last night was online doing work all night and doing two newspaper articles over the weekend.  The Tea Party nonsense makes me sick.

With immigration, poor desperate people are used as pawns, to keep the wages diminished and who they can use for near slave labor. I do not blame the people who merely want to eat and survive. They are trying their best for their families. Don't think for a minute that the oligarchs of different nations aren't teamed up in the slave-making processes.

When you hear that word "entitlement" too especially for younger generations who can't get jobs to even pay basic living bills, it's part of this brainwashing process. "You mean you want to eat and actually pay the rent after 40 hours a week?" You are selfish and entitled!"

Successful People Vs. Unsuccessful People

Read everyday? I should be a billionaire by that measure. :p

I always find these to be memes for the plebes since the narcissists in our society are the ones sadly rising to the top and they don't do things like continuously learn or compliment very often. I imagined a work world run like an academic seminar and well that expectation burned me a bit when I was young.

One part of growing up is realizing how the world really works.

Now don't get me wrong these are all good things to do on the green side.

We should all define success via God and what we desire too, not what society imposes. Sometimes I run into people who are overly goal conscious, as if life is nothing but a measuring contest and I find myself weary around them. I have set some goals and made them like having a DIY art show or even my first college degree, but what happens when your body diverts them. Even this blog was a "goal" at one point but I fear the life as a constant contest and competition thing is wearing more then me out.

The meme has the societal "keeping sweet" demands, never criticize, nope not even when your boss comes in drunk to work, I guess and the whole "entitlement" thing has been used to shame young people and others into accepting diminished economic futures sponsored by the greedy with the growing inability to make an income that will actually support them. Sometimes I want to vomit hearing well situated types going on about how young millennials are "entitled" when the millennial is 27 years old without even a job that will pay basic rent and said person has been a homeowner and had a family since their early 20s. Ah they've done a number with that one especially the "right wing" and they just don't use it on some kid who really may be irresponsible and drugging and partying his way through life.

Flying Monkeys

I've given up on mine. I may keep Facebook contact like we are old school chums with a few extended cousins being careful with information but that's it.

If you could write a note:

Run Away!

It's Lipedema!

Lots of others I guess. LOL