Saturday, March 14, 2015

Queen Spider of Darkness



It's scary to ponder to yourself if your mother is a full-blown sociopath. I do. There is some fear and trepidation in me even in writing this article but these are things I have to face if I am going to get better and face the facts. I am even trying to look back and figure out what was lies or truths. Fact is she lied just about everything. I suspected it as a child and today I know it as an adult.

I've mentioned it before as the "VEIL SLIPPING" in various articles where her smooth and polished social exterior would come down, the eyes would go darker, and even more unfeeling and the craziest things would come out of her mouth. I remember as a child telling various family members things my mother had said and done and not being believed. Maybe she thought I never would dare to ever break away but there was something in here, where she felt okay exposing what she was to me. Maybe it was done to torture me, sometimes I think it was. She knew I knew and didn't want to play pretend anymore. I think she got off on seeing my moral battle inside, seriously and she expected to win and conquer me.

 She still expects to when I get those empty cards, with their nice words, and I know it. She won't. I am done. My husband knows I am done too. He has found their reactions and closed off emotions scary. I have become even more firm in my resolve to never have anything ever to do with her again.  Life without my family is actually better, even if I am struggling with feelings of being adrift in this world. I have not unfriended some on a social website yet, but am hiding my posts and know I will be stepping away for good. I never would have thought I had the guts, but inside, my whole view of myself is changing getting away from these people and this sick cult otherwise known as a "family".

The crazy moments increased, to the point, I knew I had to get out even as a Christian. No matter the money I could lose in the future, or losing the whole family. I knew losing the whole family was a possibility the day I went "no contact" from Mini-Me and the Queen. Here biblical precepts for one's life apply where one chooses God over one's family.

The crazy making statements  and actions are the things that haunt me. Sorry if I repeat myself here, with some of this stuff, but these are the moments that stand out to me and have bothered me for years.

1. Of my grandmother only months away from death from pancreatic cancer and said with a huff, even though this grandmother had full hospice help and care, and she was her golden child.

"She's taking too long to die"

2. The happy celebration and bragging about insurance pay-outs [at least half a million if not more] only weeks after my father's death. He left her everything as I lived in the slums and fought to stay alive. Who goes shopping in New York City over 1500 miles away only three weeks after becoming a widow? Who goes on the Today show in front of their window for the public happily screaming? Who brags of insurance pay-outs or brags out how rich they are to other people? Even Mini-Me I think still had some vestiges of a conscience left at this time almost 20 years ago, and wondered aloud about some of my mother's behaviors. Where was the grief that a normal person would have had?

3. Said of her sister who by the way who is more physically functional then me except for her dialysis who she played martyr around and brought into her home to heal from her heart valve surgery--"She needs to stop getting these surgeries and needs to just go die". During this conversation she acted "put upon" for Aunt Scapegoat's care. I thought to myself, "Why not just leave her be? Why offer care only to play that game?" She complained to me about how much Aunt Scapegoat's colostomy bag smelled right in front of her. "She stinks!" Leave it to a super-sniffer sociopath to torture the world and a severely ill woman for every wayward smell.

I've mentioned all of the above, but those are just the stand-outs moments, there were many other lesser moments. I noticed her propensity to drive at high speeds with a fuzz-buster seeing speeding laws being for peons and saying so. Her offers to buy people off including me the day I went no contact. She saw herself as PERFECT and said so. She judged the world as lacking while she was always on top. She was always out to win with a sneer on her face.

 Mine is at the very least a malignant narcissist and is very high on the spectrum. I believe that sociopathy goes hand in hand with that, though some could claim that narcissism is on a spectrum and some have merely LIMITED CONSCIENCES instead of missing consciences. One friend told me psychiatry draws a line between sociopaths and narcissists putting the narcissists in limited conscience rather then missing conscience land, but I believe many malignant narcissists are seared and conscience-less and the conscience is locked down and been shut down so many years it is essentially gone. I'll let the psychologists battle this one out while I stick to biblical warnings about the SEARED and avoiding the wicked while I ponder the possibilities of my mother being a full blown sociopath.

For years I had this thought about my mother.....and to me it is the main thing that points to sociopathy with the inability to feel fear.....

"Why isn't she ever afraid?"

As someone who has experienced anxiety disorders and panic attacks and feelings of welling up terror in me, watching someone in action for 40 plus years who seemed to lack the very emotion of FEAR....was STRANGE. To be honest it is the thing that creeps me out the most about her.

Well it was scary. She never feared illness or death like normal people. She never feared injury. She never cried out even if someone almost hit our car while it was flying down the highway at 80 miles an hour. She never cried except two times when I saw what I considered fake tears.

I sometimes think my anxiety disorders arose from the lack of modeling how to control and deal with fear. After all she never was scared, anxious or worried. Inside I was all the time.

My mother had the inability to worry. Yes she never worried about anything. Seeing that wiped away from a person is very odd. What kind of person is that, who never worries about anything? I suppose getting so used to getting her way and coming out on top, and always having money to fix every problem, one gets used to a sort of comfort, but the inability to worry about aging, losing other people and just day to day living was creepy too.



One thing I wish the psychiatrists would be more clear on is the difference between psychopaths who end up in jail and commit impulsive crimes and their more calculating and controlled sociopathic cousins who remain more outside the scope of the law, but leave a trail of destroyed people behind their path. The above chart is the best one I have found for describing this difference. Most of the focus is on the psychopaths, who commit horrendous crimes and often get caught and act on impulse, this is what it seemed Hare based his psychopath list on. One awful thing in our society is that people tend to picture those lacking a conscience as all out of control serial killers. There are many sociopaths who remain controlled, who appear socially normal, and who manage to stay out of courtrooms for life--this does not mean they never commit crimes, many just do not get caught.

So I ask myself, "Was my mother a sociopath?" and look at the lists of their qualities like this one and the answer does seem to be Yes. She fits them all.

"Someone who is described as a sociopath will have several traits that set them apart from those with no personality disorders. These traits include the following...

• Lack of empathy – Inability to feel sympathy for others or to understand the emotional consequences of their actions"

This one definitely applies. There was one year, I confronted her in a letter and told her she had no empathy, when she told me I had nothing to show for my life. Lately I have been pondering that one and asking who would say that to a woman with severe medical problems who almost died in her late 20s and 30s? Someone with no empathy. She feels no empathy for anyone.  Sick people were all deemed "annoyances" and "malingerers". She had no idea about putting herself in someone else's shoes. I still remember the day she told me she was annoyed with and had distanced herself from a friend who got MS. "She got on my nerves with all that complaining about being sick, she wasn't positive enough anymore!" Having a mother with no empathy especially as I faced severe medical problems was an extreme challenge. She has no empathy. Her lack of empathy stretches from private relationships to public and community ones. Everyone was a "loser". The poor were all "lazy" and failed. Co-workers she didn't like were all "stupid". Everyone who disagreed with her about anything was "crazy".




"• Cold, calculating nature – The ability and willingness to use others around them to personal gain"

My mother is very cold. I never was hugged or kissed once as a child by my mother. I was never allowed to sit on her lap. There was no being read a book or tucked in at bedtime. She would tuck the golden child in not me but hugs and kisses were non-existent as well for Mini-Me.

 While she would feign warmth to other family members and social company, much of the time around me, she would simply be silent unless she was telling me to clean or criticizing. For years as a child, I remember how she would "turn on" for company like a lamp from darkness to bright. I loved having company because then my parents would stop smacking me and screeching at me and there would be some moments of peace. They would smile and act happy. I could almost feel normal while there was laughter in the room for once. My mother definitely used people for personal gain. She was nice to people where it would pay off for her in the end.

Imagine having a mother you can't even talk to. Every word is strained. When I went on visits, those were uncomfortable as she would barely say a word to me, her husband would talk to us. My mother was calculating. This is something that took me a very long time to see or admit, but I realized how she was able to isolate and destroy her enemies and win others over to her side again and again. She could scream at me and say insulting words and within 10 seconds enter another room with a smile for her golden child or favored flying monkey. The woman that many others saw out in public, with a smile and a tasty pasta salad or chocolate Texas Sheet cake, was not the woman I dealt with at home. One thing I noted in the last few years is how she would smile and nod to others but would not to me. It even showed up in pictures. She would smile and stand by my pretty thin cousins in pictures on Facebook and it occurred to me there never had been a picture in my entire life where she had stood by me and smiled. She played chess not checkers in her manipulation of people and the triangulation never ended.

Honestly she is the coldest person I ever have known. Some would call me a liar, but this is because she put on a show for them and didn't bother with me. She would never let the veil slip among these types. This is one reason, she was able to convince them I was the problem and the "crazy" one which was calculated on her part, they saw an entirely different person.




"• Shallow emotions – Lack of real emotion in response to events, limited capacity to feel love"

Mine would fake emotions but emotions were pretty limited. The only emotions I saw growing up in my mother was anger, and glee. Sadness, nostalgia, grief, even higher levels of happiness and joy where missing. She never was "happy" in the real way that people could be happy. The emotions were shallow. She was able to fake emotions for other people in short spurts which kept her false public face going but at home, things were simply flat.

"• Narcissism – A personality disorder in itself in which the individual feels strong love and admiration toward themselves (often a defense mechanism against deep seated low esteem)"

I disagree with the author about narcissists having deep seated low esteem if anything they have too high of self esteem. This one is a given.

"• Grandiose self image – They might see themselves as someone who is superior to others and sometimes even experiences delusions. A sociopath might see themselves as a fitting ruler of a country or even the world, but might also have delusional beliefs such as seeing themselves as a God or having super powers"

My mother saw herself as superior to all other people. Her superiority in the family was a given. She exudes this air of being in control and always correct and on the spot, which I know is one great lure she throws out to the family. They want what she has. They see her as someone who can fix and overcome any problem and often has. Her "superiority" among my family is a given and not questioned. They have called her "an angel", "the best sister-in-law in the world" and a "hero". The personality trait of my mother sitting around and putting people down was accepted in my family. While I was a target a lot of time, others got put in that place, and she would bond, by trashing people. She was able to work this where everyone in the family wanted to please her and make sure they were not seen as "inferior" to everyone. Somehow she claimed this role where she became the ultimate judge over them all and no one questioned why she had that position.  I was not the only one criticized and spent a lifetime listening to her and my father talk about the shortcomings of others, no mercy was given as they trashed people for everything from daring to get sick or ending up divorced or not being able to get a job. They saw themselves as "better" then everyone. It was pretty sick.


"• Charming – While the sociopath is unable to fully understand the emotions of others, they are capable but rather highly adept at mimicking them and might appear to be charming and normal at first"

Mine is extremely charming. Both my parents were.  They held parties where they had dozens of people to invite to them. I was told in every town I lived in, how kind and nice my mother was and what a great cook and wonderful person she was.  My father was well-loved at his job where his co-workers never suspected what kind of father he really was. Next to my mother, I was invisible to every relative and family friend. She was this wonderful person who bought them presents and held family parties and dinners.  Of course this meant I was even less believed when I spoke about all the abuse. Being an Aspie I was not so charming which gave my mother even more power to limit me in the eyes of others.

"• High IQ – Often sociopaths will exhibit a high IQ which they can use to manipulate and plan"

My mother has an extremely high social IQ but no interest in intellectual pursuits. I do think she definitely has to have a high IQ to a certain degree for the planning and manipulations. Unlike less gifted narcissists, slip-ups and exposures were rare if not non-existent.

"• Manipulative – Sociopaths use their superficial charm and high IQ to manipulate others to get their ends, and their lack of empathy allows them to do this with no sense of guilt or remorse"

This one is a given. I have never seen my mother express any guilt, or even one regret. I have never seen her say "I am sorry" to one person in my life including me.

"• Secretive – Has little need for others and is highly secretive in their actions meaning"

I wrote an entire article on this one, she was very secretive. "Narcissists Keep Secrets"

"• Sexually deviant – The lack of remorse, guilt or emotional attachments means that the sociopath is happy to have affairs and to engage in questionable sexual activity without questioning their desires"

I know little about this side of her life but have strong suspicions where this would apply. Thinking of projection, screaming at a teen daughter who is a shy Aspie, nerd and virgin about coming home "pregnant" speaks volumes.

"• Sensitive to criticism – That said, like all narcissists, the sociopath will desire the approval of others and will be highly sensitive to criticisms. They often feel they deserve adulation and admiration of the world and might feel victimized"

This definitely applied. One was never allowed to question or even disagree with my mother without an immense fall-out.

"• Paranoid – Often their lack of understanding of emotion along with their incongruous self view means that they feel a lack of trust and paranoia"

Yes, supposedly the whole world is out to get you. Maybe it is because you have to plot, plan and lie your way through life and keep track of all the lies.

"• Despotic/Authoritarian – Often the sociopath will see themselves as a necessary authority and will be in favor or totalitarian rule"

My mother and father saw themselves in charge. No one was to question their "rule". Their voting habits and politics spoke of a love of totalitarian rule and a hatred for civil liberties and freedom. My mother was disgusted with my political beliefs and once we got into an argument about the Patriot Act and NSA where you probably can guess what side she took.

Lawfulness – Despite popular belief, a sociopath is not likely to be a problem to the law in later life, but rather will seek to find loopholes, to rise to a position of power, or to move to another area so that their behavior is tolerated

Sociopaths are the ones who don't get caught?

"• Low tolerance for boredom – Sociopaths require constant stimulation and get quickly bored"

This definitely applies to my mother. Imagine an older lady who can't even stay put for one second. She had to be on the move 24/7 It is amazing to see someone have even that sort of health at a more advanced age, to do what she does. This is one thing that exhausted me about both parents, I never got to rest as a child. She seeks out constant stimulation in shopping, eating out and other activities. Every day is to be jam-packed. The phrase "dancing as fast as you can" comes to my mind. Narcs and sociopaths don't take time to sit and think and actually deal with introspection.

• Impulsive behavior – A lack of regret and empathy means makes sociopaths more likely to make sudden rash decisions based on the current facts
• Compulsive lying – As part of their facade, and as a means to an end, sociopaths are compulsive liars and will rarely speak truthfully making them hard to pin down

These are a given. Compulsive lying definitely existed with my mother such as the time she stole my credit card. Towards the end, my eyes were opened up as to how much she lied to others, such as during the MRSA controversy, instead of telling my brother, to make sure he was not a carrier of MRSA and to help destroy our relationship, she failed to back me up and canceled Thanksgiving making up that she had hurt her knee instead. I realized how deep her lies went. One almost needed a map and a compass to keep track of them all. As a child, I would catch her in some lies but back then being young, she could confuse me easier. As an adult all trust has been gone for years because I knew she lied all the time.

"• The MacDonald Triad – In childhood sociopaths will likely have demonstrated the 'MacDonald Triad' also known as the 'Triad of Sociopathy', traits that often are demonstrated in sociopaths from a young age. These include animal cruelty (pulling the wings off of flies etc, bed wetting, and pyromania (an obsession with fire setting)). "

I witnessed animal cruelty as a child. My mother wasn't the main one with that but my father in beating the family dog, but obviously my mother was there and abiding by it, wasn't she? I don't know of any of her childhood or what her young age was like.

What were my emotions writing this article? I have a pit in my stomach. I wanted to write this one around three months ago even and didn't have the guts to do it yet. I am realizing why my mother did not love me and at least understanding on a deeper level it was not my fault, but facing these facts can be very painful.  One is going to a scary and dark place even asking the question, "Was my mother a sociopath?". Some definitely will see me as a bad daughter for writing, "My mother is a sociopath".

I had a discussion with my brother, about my mother, he admitted she had a different "affect" and could be a narcissist or have traits related to it, but he disagreed with me when I told him I thought she was a sociopath. "I wouldn't go that far!", he said. I however said I would. He still believed she was capable of love, I do not.

I don't mind exploring this topic, in that I know, I made a good decision going no contact. It was the only decision to be made. God opened my eyes to the evil I was facing and gave me the strength to escape and no longer live in the fog out of fear. Admitting she is a sociopath is dealing with reality.

Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

22 comments:

  1. Your mother sounds so much like mine it is giving me a flashback. I can tell you what I find is a pretty universal and quick method to separate the wheat from the chafe. It's in their sense of humor. My mother could watch something on TV that would have the rest of us rolling on the floor and have a face like ice. In fact in the end it would make her angry to see someone with enough control and composure to do stand up or anything creative. She watched a hilarious special from Ron White and in the end just scoffed at it and said he thinks he is so smart. Well if you can make a living at stand up you ain't exactly stupid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Q, sorry you are getting a flashback but I understand. I agree about the sense of humor. I never could make my mother laugh, I am not a class clown type but liked to use wit at times, it was always flat with her and my father. They never laughed at any jokes, they never showed any humor. I never could be silly and get a few giggles or even a smile. I and my husband share laughs all the time and goof around. With these types there is none of that. The only time I saw mine laugh is when it was at someone's expense, her and her family would mock and laugh at me, but you couldn't get one to laugh at a joke or a wry observation. She hated comedies and asked "Why do you want to watch that stupid stuff for?" Yeah someone who can make a living at stand up has to be very smart. I think if we look back we will see the total devoid of appropriate silliness, jokes, laughter and even joy. I will admit as an Aspie I tend to be more serious and literal minded, but even I laugh at least a few times a day. With these types it was bad. Funny, I pointed this out to husband, look at us, we laugh all the time, how come my family never did? I know why now.

      Delete
  2. And as hard as I find it to find one redeeming thing about my mother. Her criminal activity pretty well takes the guesswork out of her pathology.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In your case, at least you know for a fact you aren't/weren't wrong about her. I had thoughts like this for YEARS [come on I read People of the Lie by age 18/19 knowing they were "evil" inside] but would think "What do I know"? I feared misjudging her so badly which is funny because I never got one iota of mercy. Going down the checklists they all apply to her. In your case, society, the cops, and prosecutors all gave you validation in terms of knowing and admitting what she was even if she was acquitted. Me? She's got the other 99% fooled and I am considered the evil and crazy one. I always wanted that validation. I know in very early years, the "Aunt that Loved Me" would admit "something is very wrong with your mother" but I was still young and she did not take it very far. Some would say things like "your mother is just the way she is" but the message there, would be "you have to sit there and take it" and now those people annoy me beyond belief.

      Delete
  3. Dear Peeps, gee maybe if your mutha hadn't been such a [w]itch, you wouldn't have briefed upon your blog her WICKED behavior. Amazing aren't they ;/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree Sue B.

      If she didn't do these things, there'd be no blog like this. Maybe I'd be eating lunch with a nice normal mother who actually loved me.

      She should have done me a favor and given me up. If I am adopted, send me back to where they got me from, or if not, given me up to the state.

      If she ever finds this blog and then whines to the world, "How dare you say these things about me!"

      I will say, "She did them, it is what happened"

      I know if it is found, she will play martyr to the hilt among the cult.

      Delete
  4. I've been meditating on Psalm 12 the last few days: "Help Lord!!! For principled and godly people are here no more; faithfulness and the faithful vanish from among the sons of men. To his neighbor each one speaks words without use or worth or truth; with flattering lips and double heart [deceitfully] they speak...Now will I arise, says the Lord, because the poor are oppressed, because of the groans of the needy; I WILL SET HIM IN SAFETY and in the salvation for which he pants...You will keep them and preserve them, O Lord; You will guard and keep us from this [evil] generation forever. The wicked walk or prowl about on every side, as vileness is exalted [and baseness is rated high] among the sons of men." I love that God Himself declared, "I will set him in safety!" Do you know how long it took for me to finally accept the truth that God wanted me safe! Safe from people who saw me as nothing more than a chess piece in their perverted, godless game, IRRESPECTIVE OF THE FACT WE SHARED THE SAME FLESH DNA. God wants us safe. God wants us free from danger of all sorts, including psychological - no, especially psychological and spiritual in nature. So my exhortation to you, and to me, and to the rest of us ACONs is "be safe....it's the will of God!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Psalms 4:8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.

      Thanks for that verse Smakintosh that means a lot.

      I am thinking about biblical promises regarding food and shelter and the Lord providing.

      Why wouldn't He provide safety too from the wicked?

      I agree God wants us safe.

      Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

      [this would apply to his workers too]

      I am going to go read Psalm 12 too and think on it. Psalm 73 gave me peace too and that one definitely is a good one to read.

      Delete
  5. I will take the normal family over the dysfunctional one anyday of the week.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was pretty much joking about the flashback. I have had to grow a pretty tough skin thanks to her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL about flashbacks. I'm probably lucky I didn't get them. I don't know if I have a tough skin but I know I see this world different then a lot of people.

      Delete
  7. In fact this post has done a lot to clear up any regret I have/had about going No Contact. I didn't know what NPD was so my No Contact was strictly a reflexive action based on self preservation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't have any regrets. Yours was so psycho and over the top, you had to protect even your very physical life. My NC is for self preservation even physically. I got so acutely ill around her, I was looking at dying.

      Delete
  8. I can relate too. Your mom is very similar to my own. They are not equal opportunity abusers. They select only a few, what we call scapegoats/ACONS. For if they treated everyone the way they treat us, they will find themselves alone. And that ain't going to happen.

    This abandonment process, like a game of chess, takes years in the making. They start with subtle isolation. By the time we go NC, we are in full blown isolation. Anything we say will be used against us in the court of MN mother. Like your queen spider reference, she sews us into her web of lies and deceit little by little. We flail and fight to the very end like a heavy-laden, upside down beetle to Queen MN mother's glee. Does it matter she graduated her cruelties from insect, animals, to her own flesh and blood?

    My cousin is world-known, and has a well-read blog. When my father died, he wrote about him. He talked about visiting his beloved aunt (my MN) and uncle (her enabler), and how my father would make him steak dinners, how they wod roll out the red carpet when he would visit. This is true. My mother treated her family, sisters, brother-in-laws, a plethora of nieces and nephews so well. We had an inground pool in my teen years, and every summer, it seemed like most weekends, my mother would have her family over for all day BBQ's, a dining room table filled to capacity with all kinds of foods. That had to cost a lot of money and time. It was always about other people - extended family, friends, neighbors, church folk - everyone but her own family. Once, she had a pastor's entire family at our house, total strangers. She fed them all, and they used our pool, children running around our house all day. I spent the entire day locked inside my room. What is wrong with this picture?!?!?!

    I spent years isolated in my room. My parents neglect started to show. When I was in elementary school, I had missed so much school, I had to repeat 5th grade. How is that my fault?!

    Cont'd

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anon, Sorry your mother was like mine. Yes they choose a few or even one to abuse and treat like dirt the scapegoat, we are not believed because they treat others completely different. I am going to write about my grandmother's family soon here, but I know my mother treated so many with a smile and congratulatory words while she only had ire for me. So wonder they never believed me. Of course when I told them I was being abused, these people who were treated nicely told me I was crazy, after all she was already telling them I was lying about her.
      You are right if they treated everyone like us they would be alone. My mother needs to experience what it is to be alone in this world but never will. She always has had people by her side including her own extended family that lived right next to her farm family.
      I agree with they start with subtle isolaton and build it up. It was built up on me and sadly other factors like my health and lack of money, helped her out. I cried to my husband one day, if we weren't so poor maybe things wouldn't have gone so bad with the family and then I realized what I was saying, why did it have to be dependent on that. Of course they never understood how a man who had been laid off and was underemployed and a woman on disability found coming up with gas money for long trips was near impossible. It is true we fight and fail as she spins her web, and the other spiders and flies stand around obeying her helping to throw a few web strands of their own.

      Wow did we have the same mother? Mine had constant parties and dinners and presents for extended family members. Mine even bought an entire manufactured home for Aunt Scapegoat, while I have gotten to pay rent that takes more then half my check for over 15 years. You'd think some of those resources would have been used to help her own children? Oh well even the car repairs and rest I did get help with was only used to hurt me and for resentment. I was so much in the fog I didn't question the 10s of thousands given to my sister for private school or the money she handed out like can candy to cousins even paying for one's trucking school. Mine had dinners and parties too. Some were given for office friends even that I barely knew. She would cook for hours in the kitchen making lavish salads, cookies, pies, roasts, that she would slap our hands away from and taken to an endless litany of office parties where she was the "favorite". Last year she held the annual family gathering--remember the one were they kept it during the coldest week of the year to keep me away--at a fancy restaurant and paid for a lavish buffet dinner. My mother paid far more attention to her siblings then she did her own children. It didn't escape my notice that Aunt Scapegoat got a visit and welfare check every two-four weeks while I saw her only once in 7 years--well a second if the 5 minute present drop off is counted. Aunt Scapegoat lived double the distance from me too. She trashed her every second but I guess Aunt Scapegoat in her obedient pitifulness made for better narc supply. Other cousins, extended great aunts, cousins of hers I didn't even know the names of got far more attention and notice then me. Imagine my surprise where I even saw relatives I didn't even know I had who were both friends of my brother and sister, one had the odd name of "Dar". I never even had met this person in my life.

      I got locked in my room all the time. At least we moved out of that house but then they just send me to my room. Later when I was adult she would hide family parties and gatherings from me, even when I used to have the money to go. If you missed that much school yes that was neglect. Too bad your mother didn't get investigated by the truant officer.

      Delete
    2. She sounds like an engulfer, to make you sleep by her in a sleeping bag, but that sounds like it was done for control too.

      I think it is sad, you had to sleep on the floor like a dog to give another kid in the family a bedroom. Why not put a second bed in that room. Maybe she used you to keep your father from getting physically romantic with her.

      Looks like he decided to blame you.

      She probably claimed and lied saying you were too afraid to sleep on your own or other such nonsense. Yes mine made me a joke and a picture of pathos. I was clinically depressed early and attacked even for not having the right feelings even though she destroyed my happiness every chance she got.

      You know that disrespect of your brothers is disgusting, that shows she put you down so much, they bought into it too and abused you as well. My family told me I would be a "loser". That is the sickness of these families where even the other kids gang up on the scapegoated child.

      Of course I was told I was the problem too just like you.

      I agree it just stopped short of annihilation, of course with my medical problems, the neglect almost did lead to that.

      Remember one reason I have gone NC is I got so sick last year and not one cared one iota.

      I understand wanting to scream and cuss. Ive cussed and had to go repent. Sometimes I go begging to God, how did my life become like this and other prayer are please never allow me to be in the streets and without a car and desperate giving them a place to abuse me ever again.

      I am glad you are here, because you vaniquished my idea that if I had become better off or if my husband's career had not imploded, that they would have treated me better. I know now even if I became very well off, they still would have treated me like dirt especially with your experience of being married to a CEO in the most well known city in America. I held out for the dream that I would have success and they would wake up and 'see me' but even I remember when I was an art teacher and seemed at least on the semi-up and up and was still treated the same horrible way.

      I feel for your kids in how they have rejected them. They are not at fault at all. I know it is painful. You can't make people care if they do not.

      Delete
  9. My mom had me sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor next to her side of the bed like an obedient dog since my earliest memories. I'm not exaggerating in the least.

    My ACON older brother said my mom started this so that our GC sister could have her own room before she left for college (Circa. 1981), when I was going into first grade. This routine continued from birth until 1985 when I was 11. That's when we moved from a row home to a single family in the suburbs. My father had resented me my whole life. I guessed it cramped their sex life (I think I just vomited in my mouth) having a kid sleep on the floor of your bedroom. But Hello, why not resent my mother instead of a child who had no power in the situation?

    I became a joke to my siblings and cousins, the neighborhood, mutual friends. Always isolated, teased, put down, conditioned to think I was the problem.

    In 2009, one of my brothers told me that he and another brother wrote a prediction of how my life would turn out - that I will grow up with no friends, married multiple times, nothing pretty, - and tucked my "prediction" on top of a pipe in our basement the day we moved out of our row house - November 1986. I was 12 years old at the time they wrote my prediction.

    Around 13-14, I became clinically depressed (my diagnosis, not formally diagnosed), you would think people would inquire as to what's going on in our house, but not the child whom everyone has been conditioned since childhood to think they are the problem. This is trauma after trauma. It's by the grace of God that we are still standing. Telling your story Peep is empowering, for yourself and fellow ACONS visiting your blog. What our mothers and our families did was just short of complete annihilation.

    There are days I just want to scream FUCK!!!!!!!!!! at the top of my lungs. I know that's taboo for a Christian. Where is God Peep?

    I thought when my husband became CEO in NYC, living in the most exciting city in the world, that my family would stop and say "We misjudged you." I want them to care that my family and I are alive but day after day, year after year, my children's birthdays continue to go unnoticed even though for a decade or more I gave to all of their children faithfully. We don't need them to buy gifts for my children, but an email, call, $1 store birthday card. The smallest gesture would become my biggest joy where family is concerned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. see reply to this part above, I posted it to your other comment.

      Delete
  10. Wow, your mother sounds as sociopath as it gets. I just remembered the animal abuse part. My mother would step hard on the dog, and tell the dog, "Well, get the hell out of my then." If anyone wanted to see if the dog was ok, she would not let you. She would just say, "It was his own fault." To that all you can do is hope the dog is ok.

    I think I stayed in abusive relationships for so long, and took so long to divorce, because of her accusations. Calling me stupid, whatnot. I actually remember when I got my divorces she actually said, "It was your own damn fault for marrying him in the first place. You should have listened to me, I knew that guy.....he beat the shit out of you and you just took it" and so on would come the lecture. Not caring about my feelings. this was only to prop herself up. I was one time bleeding on the ground and she was looking for someone to blame for it. Not worrying about me.

    But your mother, wow. It must have been so hard for you. Your mother was way more charming than mine. That would have been way more insidious. I can relate to loving it when company came over. That always made me feel safe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes she was sociopathic as it gets. Yeah mine would kick the dog when it got in her way too. My father overtly beat the crap out of the dog even in front of us. You do not want to hear a dog yelping and "screaming" in pain and whimpering. I have to be careful not to think too much about those whimpers. The poor dog, had a skin disease too that me as an adult know looking back was stress related, the dogs whole body was covered in eczema and the poor dog would scratch and scratch. He also was blessed with the name Cerebus, hmm what a perfect name to give a dog, in a household of narcs. The greek name for the dog that guards hell. We lived in hell. My father was proud of this name but just showed a pretentious mind.

      Many ACONs end up in abusive relationships. Yes you sit there and take it because if a marriage fails, then they abuse you more rather then giving emotional support. My narc mother probably would have befriended any exes too. I got blamed too when we became down and out and were poor. She blamed me for husband's lay-offs, "you married him", I got kicked in the teeth over and over for not marrying a 6 figure executive. It was my fault when he lost jobs. When we moved here and he lost the job here, she said to me, 'Didn't you know he'd lose it" and made rude remarks about the way he dresses. I can't imagine being an abused wife or told well you just took it, what an ingrate. We struggled during my husband's job lay-offs and descent into poverty, and she only made it 10 times worse on me.

      Yes mine is charming to other people, one reason I never was believed. It made it more insidious. I always felt invisible next to her too and essentially I was. None of them really care that I am gone. Yes I felt safer with company over, at least I knew my father wouldn't go on a huge rage and we would not be hit. My mother would be acting nice, just make sure to stay out of the backroom with her and keep around the guests.

      Delete
    2. That right there, "I have to be careful not to think to much about those whimpers", says a lot. So where does your mind have to go then? It has to go someplace. I think to happy thoughts, to things you can control. That's just something to ponder. I used to believe I had the most ideal childhood, but I had all these symptoms of a soldier of war. Go figure.

      That's strange, the name of the dog, to reflect the FOO.

      I'm not surprised your mother acted that way regarding your husband's layoffs. At the time you and he needed support. As a mom, I would have to say that behaviour of hers would be impossible. My gosh, worrying about my kids keep me up at night and I'm constantly praying for them. My oldest daughter is trying for a PhD in Physics. I tried to tell her she is a second generation ACON, I did not have the skills to raise her properly, and that PhD will require every bit of her. I hope nothings missing. I pray, pray, pray. But I digress.

      But that is cruel to say that of your husband. But we mustn't forget the huge "supply" she got from just the look on your face while she said those things. She could have given support, but she needed something else that she regarded more important than support.

      Delete