Saturday, March 28, 2015

Milquetoasts of the World: Men Abused by Narc Women

I saw a Dr. Phil yesterday where the man was totally controlled by his wife. He was dying of cancer but one could tell a foundation had been set where he was afraid and totally controlled by her to the point he had let all the relationships with his children be in danger. I had to admit I thought the man was very weak. His wimpiness was beyond cloying. Maybe he was afraid of her turning him into a toad, she looks like something that crawled out from the bottom of the house in the "Wizard of Oz."

One runs into these men who are the milquetoasts of the world going "Yes Dear", to the meanest wenches in the world.  Often the children and adult children suffer as Dad becomes a weak enabler to all the evil the narcissistic mother wants to conduct. The man's blindness to his wife's manipulations and even outright theft from his adult children is disgusting but even my father called me a liar when I told him my mother had stolen my identity.

I don't get how men can act this way. How can the man on Dr. Phil diss several of his grown children for his cold and evil wife? He is a slave to her defending her in thrall just like the broken down husband who does everything his wife says in "People of the Lie". Hell awaits for him in his weakness and turning his wife into his "goddess".

I have met men who have been afraid to meet with friends or even take phone calls because their girlfriend or wife may "get mad". Some of these men act like their wives or girlfriend are going to give them a big spanking when they get home and are shivering in their boots. Ever go out to dinner with a friend and have the one in the crowd who has his girlfriend or wife call every 10-20 minutes? It can get crazy. Some of these women want total control but sadly men give it. [This of course can go the other way too with women manipulated by controlling narcs]

In some situations the woman wears the total pants in the family, she is the one with the money and good job, while the man may be unemployed or underemployed and beaten down. Of course there are the "users" out there but some are men allowing narcissistic women to play a "mother role" to them. They want mommy to take care of them and they let mommy "punish" them. It weirds me out to be frank.  Some men escape when they realize their wife is a narc, they are strong enough to get out and even keep a relationship with their children but then there are the other kind.

My father was fellow narc, he would yell and scream, but when push came to shove, he allowed my mother to run the show. He never disagreed with her on anything important and while I remember stupid quibbling arguments, most of the time he was her mind slave. He made most of the money but let her spend all his money like water on her endless shopping. She controlled the money and put HIM on an allowance.

One never defended us from the other. He would always tell me, "Your mother is right". It bothers me more and more when I think about it. A strong man would have defended his daughter and said, "You are not going to abuse her anymore!" or later when I got sick, he would have told her to help me. It didn't happen.  He always did everything she said, and she actually laid out his clothes and helped him to dress every morning like she was actually his mother instead of his wife.

My mother's present husband who she married about 8 years ago is totally in control by her. She yells at him and he does everything she says. His whole position is to please her at all costs while she makes endless demands. Honestly seeing a middle-class man give up his entire house, and every possession except some of his tools, clothes, walking stick and gun collection to move in with and marry my mother was odd. I was not invited to the wedding, my mother picked the coldest day of the year in January to make sure I would not be there. He even gave up his church and religion to join hers. She didn't have to give an inch except she gave him a room in the basement. The last visit I was at her house, she was shouting at him to unpack something and look for something that was lost. I found myself asking "Why does this guy who has a close knit family, grown children in town and who had good jobs put up with this stuff?"

Sometimes when young, it seemed to be the "meaner" girls getting boyfriends and married faster. It was like "nice girls" finish last. I suppose often the narcissist women go after men more aggressively, they are not shy or holding back.

Maybe these men are marrying or living with a replacement for their narcissistic mothers. They let the more vulnerable around them be destroyed. They help the narcissists and sociopaths gain more power over others. I believe men should be loyal protectors. These weak men either knowingly or unknowingly are enablers and helpmeets for the wicked. Some definitely were abused themselves, men are just as vulnerable to the outcomes of abusive childhoods and the manipulations of sociopaths, but I hope they wake up, and realize the harm they can bring to others being in thrall to a narcissistic wife or girlfriend.


  1. Some men are easily controlled by women. The narcissistic women can actually attract the weak men, who don't want to wear the pants in the family. He needs to wake up or maybe he doesn't carry enough masculinity in him to want or be the head of the household. My brother is like this. I swear he has to ask permission to open the fridge. One time, while I was in contact, he did ask to open the fridge.

    I believe my husband's ex tried to control him. I don't know why. She was bossy and domineering, but that is not love. She may have been narcissistic. For a long time he stomped over my boundaries to prove he was the man. Long story short, we got through it. He now wears the pants, but we had a lot of personal shifting around to do first. I don't ever want to go through that again.

    1. Yes some men are easily controlled and they do so much damage in their weakness. The narcissistic women can wrap them around their little finger and the man will not know what hit him. I have to admit I have gotten nauseous even seeing men ask a girlfriend for permission to visit friends. I am not surprised that your brother has to ask to use the refrigerator. My mother is like that, forcing my father and her husband to ask permission to even eat. Their entire schedules were determined by her.

      I am glad your husband got away from a narcissistic ex. Yes it was all about domination. Sorry you went through that but glad it is over!

  2. I learned last year that men who find narc women attractive are usually sons of narcissistic mother or codependent. Feminism was a part of the problem, because men, as well as women who prefer to be a homemaker, received conflicting messages on what they should look for in a woman.

    In the 1980s, I overheard conversations between young men and older women, where the older women told young men to look for stronger-minded, independent women who were making good income, and that women who made more money than men in general were the ones to be sought after. Older women also discouraged young men from looking for a woman who prefer to be a stay-at-home mother and a homemaker, because it was thought that these women were insecure, needy, lazy, and ignorant. I was disturbed when I overheard these conversations and asked several coworkers about it. They told me that these women were into ERA moment and some wanted to "have it all." They were not necessarily good women and men who looked for "strong, independent, career women" were insecure men who were looking for a mother replacement to take care of them. They advise me to let a man pay for my dates, and if they don't pay, it showed me that they did not think I was worth it. I should ditch them if they were looking for a mother or a meal ticket from me and other women. I was advised to look for a stronger-minded man who did not mind being a breadwinner if I prefer to be a stay-at-home mother, and who prefer to have a feminine woman. They also warned me to stay away from me who wanted sex on the first date.

    Over the years, it got worse because narcissism began to get praise as a trait of a successful person rather than undesirable traits of evil people who trampled on others in other to get on the top and "become successful." In the recent decades, the economy was bad and many men lost their jobs due to outsourcing of many male-dominated jobs, recruitment of narc women for executive positions in male-dominated fields, and the curtailment of financial aids or job opportunities for men who wanted to get into an apprenticeship or a training program for their license. A lot of men had been pushed around and had anti-marriage feminism shoved in their face. They received message that they should seek out "strong, independent" women who "have no emotions, have good sense of humor, don't take things seriously, don't get upset when bad things happen to them, are willing to pay their own way, don't cry or get upset easily, are free spirit, could do something daring and dangerous, and are emotionally stable." These are traits of narc women. Men have been bombarded with messages to look for these women.

    Churches and Christian groups are jokes because narc women join there in order to find a husband, and display these traits as described above. Yes, they found their husband and non-narc women who prefer to be a stay-at-home mother had to look elsewhere by moving to a smaller city or a state where a majority of people are tradition or prefer to be a nuclear family. It could work for certain racial backgrounds and ethnic heritage. Some women are single and childless because of bombardment of messages to marry women who have narcissism and feminism. Feminism has been a bigger issue and being sons of narcissistic mothers did not help me to choose their wives wisely.

    1. Its scary to be a traditional woman in this day and age. If you don't have an impressive answer to the ultimate question, "What do you do for a living". Well, it is terrifying. Nowadays, I just believe I'm enough the way I am and don't try to change anything I like about myself.

      I usually see strong-independent women with no emotions, very boring. All they do is talk of their careers all day long. And day-cares are a joke, I can't even tell you. Even careers are a joke if you can't push and shove like the others. Its easier for men, I believe, they have a more competitive instinct and drive, but I do agree men have been bombarded with bad messages from the past. So that makes me have to be more driven and competitive and I'm not like that. It is not my personality. I'm being forced to conform, to be like everyone else and I'm not like everyone else.

      I'm finding out that its becoming a trend now to be more domineering as a woman. My own MN mother told me that it is good for the woman to be in charge. I never liked that, never wanted to be in charge. In fact, I like it better if I'm not in charge of major decisions, and I prefer not having to pay the bills. Of course, I don't fit in with the rest of society, so I have to hold my head high and just say to myself that "I'm enough".

      And finding men for marriage is getting harder and harder. I've noticed this trend, that premarital sex is common, even before an emotional commitment is established and then the women are forced to raise their babies on their own. But they are independent right? It just goes round and round.

    2. It seems many men find narc women attractive. I remember when I was young watching men ignore me for the meanest women and then some would complain, "Oh she is so mean" and act like little boys.
      I think feminism set this up too, you are correct men were told to reject the women with soft emotions, they would just be "silly" and wouldn't make enough money for the household. Seriously feminism wanted women to take over the jobs of protectors and providers of household, many men became little boys and some literally live as little boys where "mommy" not only wears the pants, she makes all the money too.

      I remember hearing some of those conversations too, where young men were told to choose independent "strong" women and reject those who were "too soft". This message definitely was given in my family. I was screwed with all the negative aspects of feminism in my family. Go and sink and swim for the "almighty career". It has not escaped my notice, that my wicked family did not emphasize relationships and family to me but pushed me into being a feminist and I now know on Facebook, that the young girls I went to high school with the majority were married very young as their families emphasized the importance of the personal life. I was told to "succeed" because I was "ugly" and "fat" and that "no man would have me". I now know how those messages hurt me. I may write soon about how my family denied me my womanhood.

      While I went to high school in a more traditional town, my mother was into feminism and I wasn't even given the life option of wanting to be a home-maker or mother. Of course I was infertile early and not dating with the Aspergers but it definitely told me there was something different in how I was raised compared to my early marriage and baby having classmates. They are all grandmothers now. I got to starve and live out of milk crates while they were starting families.

      I will write about the feminist messages I was given, not to have emotions and even my desired career being an art teacher was mocked by my parents because it was "too feminine".

      I agree about the promotion of narcissism being a trait of a "successful" person. I was not told to model myself on a loving wife or mother but to model myself on a successful high power career woman. My mother was friends with this feminist nun, I will write about her and they all told me to become a careerist and a lawyer like her. I was programmed to be a "spinster" by age 10, they wanted me in the nunnery perhaps too and desexualized.

      So yes society changed where women with emotions were seen as "weak" and the career women who were "hard as nails" were elevated.

      They say a lot more men are out of work then women. Working class and poorer men have been left without work at all with more of them living at home dependent on the largesse of a higher earning woman.

      The "me generation" narcissist babyboomers advanced divorce and told men to seek out women without messy "emotions". My father was proud of my mother who had none. He had this thing where he distrusted "feminine wiles" and I realize now there was a real hatred of women underlying it all.

      You are so right that the traits of narc women was what was elevated.
      The churches never address this stuff. I had one traditional pastor who questioned feminism but they are as rare as Dodo birds.

      I see feminism as having ruined my life.

    3. It is scary to be a traditional woman in this day and age, you are so right Joan. You are told you are weak. I even had someone ask me recently "What do you do?" even as I stood there on my walker and with my wrapped legs. I sometimes would answer "artist" but really it is only about the making of money.

      I am glad you feel like you are enough the way you are.

      The "strong-independent" women usually hate me. They have tons of money and think I am a "loser". Most have no emotions, and have trained themselves to operate like narcs even if they are not themselves narcs inherently, though that definitely does not do good things to a soul. Yes the career is everything. I know career women here in this town, or really more of them, who DO NOT believe in having friends, they say they do not have time for them. How sick is that?

      I worked in daycares, and if I had a kid never would put one in one, it is warehousing and they often gave us too many children. Try having taking care of 6 babies where three are crying, two need their diaper changed and one is sick. I had the troubling emotional thing of working at this daycare where I bonded with a baby probably more then it's mother who left it there for 14 hours a day. Oh I saw too much that disturbed me. Children suffer in this new narcissistic world.

      The workworld has become a hell-hole where the narcs win and everything is about back-stabbing and who ever can act like the hardest sociopath wins.
      I believe it worsened things for the men, because in days past they could just show up and do their jobs and then hang out with their buddies, it wasn't a constant back stab a thon and the competition was more friendly.

      I wasn't driven and backstabbing and I was made to suffer. My family abused me over having "softer" emotions.

      I and my husband here even speak of our unhappiness among some who only seem to care about their careers. Their priorities are skewed. Where do people fit in where the career folded or they lost their career years ago to poor health?

      Yes one is supposed to be domineering. You know maybe some of us want to be taken care of and don't want to be the boss all the time. Maybe we are tired.

      The sexual revolution only made for more broken families and children without fathers. The women are left with all the work then too raising children on their own. I see the young ones who have children without even the benefit of marriage and wonder how they even make a living. Daycare costs enormous money. Well feminism just brought more oppression to women--double shifts and even more work. Wow all the "freedom" when they work 14 hour days and then try to squeeze in an hour of quality time with their kids. It didn't escape my notice while doing volunteer work, that the only other people volunteering or working in the community were all over 60-65, or disabled like me. Community involvement doesn't even exist for many now as life is all about work and barely staying above water.

      . But they are independent right? It just goes round and round.

  3. "Round and round." Like water going down the commode :/