Friday, May 29, 2015

Artist Patrick Jacobs

His art work reminds me of dioramas.

Peep On A Sign

The Republican Party Scares Me

I hate both of the main parties but thought I would talk about the Republican party which so many of my fellow Christians seem so enamored with. Being poor and disabled around Republicans can be scary. As people are brainwashed more and more by the Ayn Rand disciples who bow before the "gods" of Big Business and others who think the infrastructure of the 1950s is still in place, attitudes have grown more cruel.  In reality Ayn Rand hated Christians and wrote books where all children and old people were removed, where everyone was strong and healthy and "empowered". Years ago I read libertarian magazines and have read Ayn Rand's writings. She praised selfishness. Yes she did. She wrote a book called "The Virtue of Selfishness". She in my opinion was a sociopath and one evidence was her praise for a murderer.  All she has done is helped brainwash people into worshipping the successful and sociopathic. So, no, I don't consider Rand Paul an alternative either. It can be scary out there.

You see some growing nasty attitudes. Being a disabled person on social security you can become a lightening rod for people's disgust. The news media and other influencers have played "Blame the poor" games so long, instead of looking at the banker bail-outs and trillion dollar wars, some Republicans have been led to hate the poor and disabled. People say the craziest things to my face and one thing someone said to me just other day was that Medicare and Social Security were slave systems. Does that mean I am a slave or just trying to survive?

What do I say to this but if that they didn't exist I'd be in the streets and I would be dead without any medical care? It is a covert shaming, and mean to say to a disabled woman, it is better that you go die, because you are costing the state money. I paid into social security same as everyone else while I was working. My husband paid into it for years too. The shills will scream that social security is bankrupting the nation instead of corporate welfare and pay-outs. 

None of these Republicans will deal with the core matter that many people are disabled today from lack of medical insurance. Remember how I told you many people died young in my old rural town? Here's the real picture there, many were poor or working class without any medical insurance. Life spans aren't as long.  One good job with decent health insurance instead of my lousy may as well have no insurance at all 1,000 dollar deductible insurance at my residential counselor job, could have steered my life a completely opposite direction if my PCOS, Lipedema and thyroid disease had been diagnosed soon enough.

Some of these Republicans act like they want to see people literally laying in the gutter, or consigned to poor houses and urchins living in the streets.  One thing I have noticed among the Tea Party set is that they have NO ALTERNATIVES to offer for the poor or disabled. You are supposed to just go die. By the way all of my narcissistic relatives became Tea Party Republicans disgusted with the poor and those on welfare. Why do these people act like living wage jobs can be plucked from trees?

I remember one Republican from years ago demanding that work camps and orphanages be brought back into vogue. Was that the Grinch? Why do they always go after the stuff that actually helps people, do they realize how many trillions and billions have been spent on useless wars?

Not everyone has a supportive family who will take them in. In fact socially now we have this thing going where there are extremely rich people and very poor ones in the same family. One of my cousins is married to a multimillionaire. Baby Boomer parents can literally have millions while their adult children dumpster dive for food. The Tea Partiers seem to be people with money who don't care if others can't pay their rent or make it in this world. The Baby Boomers and older literally have 47 times the wealth as Generation X and the millennials. Generation X is entering it's 50s and well, the poverty hasn't lifted up. The good jobs are gone. One thing the Republican party may have to get a clue about if it wants to survive, is that poor people aren't going to vote for the people who will put them in the gutter. Now that the number of the poor is rising, it's something for them to pay attention to. 

Then you see the rudeness about those who are on welfare. One meme that was pushed in right wing circles is that everyone on food stamps is buying lobster, T-bone steaks and bottles of wine. The reality is unless someone is a crook, and has multiple identities and EBT cards if you go buy lobster and a T-bone steak, you'll have dinner for one or two days with the other 28-29 days of the month to go without. People are so utterly clueless!

Of course the Republican party and Democrat party both seemed teamed up on ruining the economy so more people are dependent on welfare. Neither deals with the crux of the matter which is the limit of good jobs and the failure of our jobs system. They care more about giving trillions to bailing out bankers rather then rebuilding the infrastructure and abandoning the globalist nonsense that is destroying America. 

Global Economy? 23 Facts Which Prove That Globalism Is Pushing The Standard Of Living Of The Middle Class Down To Third World Levels

I get mouth-droolers when I try to point out that MOST people on welfare are WORKING and the jobs simply do not pay enough. Wal-mart alone probably provides many EBT applicants. Many don't realize most states require that unless you are disabled, and are getting food stamps, you have to prove that you are looking for work or working a set period of time in a low wage job.  Many eyes glaze over when I try to explain how globalism is destroying our economy.

The worship of big business too, is one thing that has brainwashed so many to accept the abusive and "weed-out" job system where one has no more rights and where a boss whose had a bad hair day can destroy your entire economic future. One narcissistic man behind a desk can destroy your entire economic future with a flick of a wrist.  You ever notice the way the job world is run, is never questioned by anyone? How come?

For those who say let the churches take care of everyone, what church has the money for what medical costs cost today? What gets me about the Republican party is as the rotten politicians, import more cheap labor--notice the Republicans are on board with the Democrats on that, and outsource more jobs and support along with Obama trade deals that will destroy the American economy like the Trans-Pacific Partnership, these people seem eager to support things that will lead to their own demise! Both the Democrat and Republican party while they argue about social matters, they are joined hand in hand in destroying the economy, outsourcing the jobs, importing cheap labor, and handing profits and power over to their banker and corporate buddies. In my opinion both parties work TOGETHER behind the scenes. There's a reason Bush #1 and Clinton loved to go golfing together. There's a reason "liberal" Obama has continued all the wars and signed the NDAA-[basically an advanced Patriot Act with more teeth].

                                          [picture source]
There's a reason we may soon be given the non-choice between Hillary and Jeb Bush. Notice the same rotation of names over and over again? Who would be crazy enough to vote for a THIRD Bush but people are. Some think more Populist Bernie Sanders will make it or a more reasonable Republican but come on in every election they have the contenders who aren't as big corporate lackeys that are sent to the corners once the big show time is in swing. Sadly people will act like there is a difference between Hillary and Jeb Bush. There really isn't outside a few social issues.

The other day I was in my church on Memorial Day. I like my church and think the people there are nice, though more and more do understand why people are homechurching it. Why on earth in 2015, after all the lies of Bush have been exposed to the entire internet and on both right and left, do I have to hear how our veterans are "fighting for our freedom" in the Middle East.  I believe veterans should be honored but don't buy that propaganda! Do people still believe that? I suppose they do. After all our "conservative" news outlets push that meme even though when pushed everyone will admit we went to war for oil, the bankers and corporations. Our poor veterans are being used and abused putting their lives on the line for the globalists. I wish people would wake up. Sometimes I get tired because the brainwashing is so immense. The shill Rush Limbaugh did enough damage getting people to think a certain way. I am only one person. Yes I've been called crazy for trying to get people to look up what Plan for a New American Century was and to learn the facts about 9-11. It's not easy being a person who is awake and aware in this world of the spiritual sleepy heads.

I'm not a pacifist, but why do so many Christians agree with the Republican party more then the Bible? War and more war, oppress the poor, kneel before big business and the power hungry narcissists. There is a reason why the most sociopathic rise to power in our society. There is wickedness in human nature where people worship unadulterated power and guile. As a Christian I am in political no-man land, I don't want to vote for the Democrat party either.  In my case I was long ago done with both. I told my dominantly Republican church in 2004, that Bush was a wicked man lying to us even the pastor.

Even with the Duggars--you know that family that appears so Christian, they really are cult members who worship mammon and the politics of this world. They are all Republican too, and don't question the system. Now that they have been exposed hiding some pretty huge evils in their household, I am not surprised.

I wish more people would wake up and realize the truth about these politicial parties. The Republican party claims to be the "Christian" party too but it is anything but in my opinion. The "lesser evil" is still evil.

"I am Narcissist"

Smakintosh showed the horrible attitudes of narcissists well in this video. Many of our world leaders and politicians like both Bush's and Clinton on both sides of the aisle are indeed narcissists and sociopaths. Dr. Phil defended and identified with so many abusers on his show, it made me wonder what he was! One scary thing about mental health organizations is many narcissists are attracted into those areas. Why? Power. Psychotherapy tells us to reconcile often with our abusers. The one with the will says it all. What else do you think makes siblings [the spiritual prostitutes] fall before narcissistic mother and fathers on their knees and simper while throwing others away? The ones who appear nice and kind are the scary ones too, a false picture, as they seem to be loving and giving. Yes our politicians gaslight us, as they start more wars and send the jobs overseas. The homes as museums must be rife among narcissists who want to look perfect!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Endless Criticism Destroys Relationships

                                 [picture source]

Endless criticism destroys marriages, it destroys people. Any one who has either been in a relationship with someone who did nothing but criticize knows what it does to you. It rips you apart. It destroys your spontaneity, it means you are walking on eggshells and always afraid of doing something "wrong"." I am not sure why some people think it is good to reign as judge and jury over other people but sadly it is something I have encountered.

Everyone judges to an extent, we even have to judge people and situations as safe and even criticism can have a place to deal with problems, but there is a point where it gets excessive and becomes a battering ram upon the souls of other people and one is criticized for many things even beyond their control.

What if you feel like nothing you do is right? What if you feel you just can't make anyone happy?
What if people just don't believe you and you are telling the truth? What if you can tell they decided you were a social embarrassment and liability?  My mistake was questioning someone at a group who did not like me. 

One person wiped away an entire social circle. Another believed someone else who didn't like me. Endless criticism destroys relationships.

I have suffered enough losses. Some would say this person probably never was your friend to allow the opinions of others to influence them. I knew the end was beginning when they said to me, "Sometimes it is hard to be your friend, because you are so overweight, others give me problems for it." All sorts of feelings were triggered in me. Will I ever be enough? I have lost almost 40lbs recently too. Inside this felt like a sock to the gut. They knew about my stage IV lipedema diagnosis.  Can people understand the pain of being extremely overweight? Our social status is so low that even supposed friends will turn on us under pressure from others. The pain of this was intense. I told her. I received no empathy.

I made the giant social mistake of telling a couple local people about this blog. ACONs are not understood by the general populace even ones you think are close friends. Please never make my mistake, only tell the closest best friends and even then be careful.

Many of us ACONs were barraged with endless criticism. I grew up being told that everything was wrong with me, I was told I smelled, was too fat, too messy, so forth and so on.  Enough is detailed  here. Sometimes I am unsure how to undo the damage when the world backs up what was said to to me.  The other day someone I thought cared about and liked me decided to criticize me severely. I cared about her deeply too but this was getting worse and worse and hit a high mark. I no longer felt accepted and when acceptance goes out the window then many people just get nervous. It was like she had a list and was reading it off.  I had visions of my mother sitting by her side, as she decided to shred me to bits during our last visit. Talk about being triggered! This friendship predates my going no contact by a few years.

The other day I had this friendship end, because I stood up against criticism. Big mistake? Or lesson learned? I don't have friends to spare in town. Would you be upset if someone decided to rip into you one day and tell you that everything you do is wrong? Would you say something about it? Or would you sit there and take it and then conduct business as usual? There was part of me that thought, "Keep your mouth shut, otherwise you will lose the "friendship". But then another part, the "recovery", "fivehundredpoundpeep" 'stand against abuse' me, said to hell with that! 

I know I am not a perfect person. I weigh 508lbs and weighed 543lbs just a few months ago. I am struggling with some serious sadness upon the decline of my health. Lipedema is a progressive disease. I was faking it to make it so long I lost touch with my own body. People never realized how much pain I was hiding to do anything. People didn't know I was collapsing into bed after doing things. People outside of this blog didn't know or understand how I have been struggling with the loss of the family, the same as if one's whole family went down in a jet airliner but worse because I was rejected and abandoned long ago. One thing I am tired of everyone telling me how to feel. They judge me for feeling the "wrong feelings". I couldn't get a lobotomy to please them all! I am sorry I was slow in "moving on", or "fixing my life" but I was actually trying my best no matter what they think.

In fact my progress is showing, and that I no longer want to take endless criticism. That's progress. I'm done with the measuring up game and people pleasing. It shows now doesn't it? The me of yesterday sadly would have probably sat there and taken the endless criticism and cried and said, "I'll try harder!" and nothing would have been good enough anyway. After all this is what I was trained to do.

I was told by this friend during the criticism-a-thon that ended our friendship that I was "unforgiving" to cut my entire family off. Didn't I write on here, they cut me off before? That no one would visit me, and I hadn't seen many of them for years and it didn't matter? I wrote about trying to fix the relationships. How could any person read about the abuses here and think I should sit around and get few more blows?

My household has struggled for so many years, struggle is the default setting, but why does everyone have to pile on and tell me I am a piece of crap? What am I supposed to do about it? I don't even know HOW to do what they want me to do and/or I lack the resources to get things done.

First of all I was not believed even when my husband was backing me up saying he witnessed it too, that someone in the self help group constantly put me down to my face. This friend actually called me "paranoid", even when my husband said, he witnessed these events directly to her. She said this over and over and I felt gaslighted. I got the full brunt of a smear campaign, and it rippled out. Later I would be scapegoated in an email for scaring new people away from the group even though I was gone all winter and only attending one-two times a month instead of every week. People started believing these things. My sins? I questioned the scheduling of the group one time. I got sarcastic once as a brag fest reached a zenith but then listening to people mock people on welfare wasn't too fun when it happened twice.

This friend told me I was selfish, and that I defined myself by my disabilities. What is that even supposed to mean? She doesn't realize I hid a lot of sickness she never knew about. How does one define themselves by their disabilities? Was this projection in that she was telling me she saw me through them? Am I supposed to pretend they never existed? Is the brainwashing for us to be so brave, we are to act like we live in healthy normal bodies? I may write about this later, but there is pressure on us disabled people to always be overcompensating and some still won't be happy.

  Her constant Republican litany about how social security was a "slave system" hurt my feelings but it was something I overlooked for a long time because I avoid political litmus tests for friends. I will admit when someone is really really sick, you can be selfish at times to survive but I still don't know what I did to her if anything in that realm. I thought I was a good friend.

Add to this the failures to "progress", the odd dichotomy that she was allowed to vent, but I was a "complainer" and "she didn't want to hear about it" and "I lived in the past" and "did not move forward". At one point she even asked my husband who defended me in return"How do you deal with Peep?" like I was the most horrible person on earth and she was trying to get him on put me down team. What is ironic to me, is people can tell me their problems and I am okay with this. I consider it part of friendship but why can they vent and I can't? I remember laughing at jokes during our last two visits and doing some cards, maybe my memory is faulty.  What does that even mean? Here too you wonder how many simply don't accept you and befriend you hoping to fix you and looking to the person you will supposedly be in the future instead of today?

I felt not listened to and judged harshly. I answered back to a few of her charges but I then wrote her an email, telling her that it was wrong to criticize me so much. "Why did you rip into me that day?" I even wondered and told her maybe you had a bad day or were worried about some problems but made it a clear boundary that deciding to rip me to shreds was not going to be tolerated. I told her that her standards for people are too high and I am not measuring up to them and not interested in trying to and that I didn't want to be a project. I wrote: "This has taught me a lesson that I need to lay down a new boundary, that people have to accept me as I am presently, warts and all, or just walk on. I can't be hurt anymore being told I am "not good enough" or must "change" to be acceptable."

Once someone is walking on eggshells and worried about what they will say or not say a relationship is already going down the chute. If you can't freely share or have to test everything you say by if it is an "acceptable" topic or not, it means spontaneous sharing is over with. Once someone is telling you what to talk about it. It is a bad deal.  I know now if I feel that way something is wrong. For some months, I was censoring myself around her, knowing that certain topics upset her. Obviously I was not censoring myself here, so that may have created problems too. Losing one's voice is not a good thing.

It is also by my own experiences a bad idea for friends to be in self-help groups together. There is too much boundary crossing as you talk about personal problems. I did make some mistakes in the friendship of that I have no doubt. We may have been even just too different. But I find myself asking why all the criticism? Why all the impetus to "fix" someone? Why all the non-acceptance? Why all the focus on social appearances?

Endless criticism can destroy a friendship. I however have changed, I don't want people around me who want me to measure up and who tell me in endless ways how I am lacking. I don't want someone's love of me based on my "achievement". I had my fill of criticism for a life time. This doesn't mean I think I am perfect or finished but it means refusing the walking on eggshells. 

Culturally I moved to a very reserved and affluent community and it's a "bad fit" in every sense of that phrase. I'm under pressures most don't understand. I made my mistakes, but I think to myself as I sat there, getting reamed out...."Aren't I a person too?" "If I am not valuable to you it's time to walk away". I fear the loneliness but what other choice was there? Why don't these people realize the more you rip people down the more you hurt them? Who wants to live with the judge and jury always ready to do a crack down? I don't.


Monday, May 25, 2015



The neurotypical world remains a befuddled mystery to me full of endless social rules I break. Trust me when people know you have Aspergers, they do not give you a break. You have to measure up to all these standards you always fall short of. The pain of Aspergers are these social troubles and social disconnections I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. You are either silent and no one knows you, and you stick to the scripts or you actually open your mouth and get in more and more trouble. Some act like they can say anything to you, a long list of critiques, while even a mild critique on your end means instant trouble.

I feel like I have to be dead inside to survive the neurotypical world. Don't have any feelings about anything. Don't be too enthusiastic. Don't be too attached. Don't expect to have anyone notice you are alive. Don't ever criticize anyone even after they reamed you out to the max. Hide all pain, keep the smile eternally on your face. Don't tell anyone any troubles. Censor any complaints. Censor yourself. Censor your alternative opinions. Don't be yourself that is a recipe for trouble from hell itself. Always appear goal oriented.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Self Improvement and Achievement Queens and Kings

One question every ACON asks themselves and a popular ACON book is even named this, is "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?"

Out in the world the answer to that may be "No".

The world is being taken over by Self Improvement and Achievement Queens and Kings. 

Ableism, classism and elitism can impact some of us. 

So what does one do when they are never good enough and never measure up enough? Walk away. If someone makes you feel like you are not enough, then it is not a good deal. Sadly we have some trends in society now where everything is about clamoring up to the mountain top.

One thing about American society is that you always have to be improving, or healing or progressing to be deemed acceptable. Those who do not progress or "solve all their problems" or "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" are deemed less persons deserving no love. In a land where competition and status rules, those who don't climb the ladder or even who fell off it are considered human "throwaways". Life is all about moving on, status and competition. If you are not "moving on, you are considered "stagnant" and a "bad person." Anyone who has been poor or deemed the "family loser" by narcs knows what this feels like. 

This has been happening to me lately. I will explain further.....but

I am going to lay down a new boundary, that people have to accept me as I am presently, warts and all, or just walk on. I can't be hurt anymore being told that I am "not good" enough and that I must "change my life".  I spent most of my life being told what is wrong with me by my family and needs folks around me who will tell me what is right.  One thing that can happen to a person like me is you can hook up with people who want to FIX you.

But where is the acceptance in that?

And if you end up in that position, you are a "complainer" while they can vent freely. You don't mind them telling you about their problems, in fact to you it is normal sharing. They don't offend you when they do it, so why isn't it mutual? But the emphasis is on "fixing" you and if time has gone by and they don't see progress they expect, well then things go badly.

I am questioning why this happens to me. Some of me wonders if this was born in the crucible of never feeling good enough and my own constant scurrying to be accepted and "liked" by people. This was formed in the fire pit of narcissistic parenting. Also if one is disabled or otherwise "low status" in society one can fall in this group. It's like we fell into this trap where it's like we have to justify our existence on planet earth. I don't even know how to explain how being the weight I have all these years impacts how I am viewed. 

 Perhaps on my end I do overshare or complain too much and need to work on my acceptance of my circumstances but is that enough condemn someone?  I write about many topics and think about them too, and these are not all happy perky topics, obesity is not fun and games and neither is being a survivor of a narcissistic family. Why do I have to worry about being perky to begin with?

Neurotypicals [maybe not all?] seem offended by any complaints, while for us Aspies, we can talk about things freely and not censor everything about it being "negative or positive".  While too much ruminating may annoy people, it's something Aspies do. I never called anyone up at 3:00 in the morning or crossed boundaries though. Us Aspies can show each other pictures of volcanoes at sea or go see antiques and then on the end complain about how much everything hurts or if something sucks, say so. There isn't this bullcrap I see in the  worsening narcissistic world where one has to weigh and measure each word by status and if they are being a successful human being.  

 Sometimes it scares me that with some of these sorts, I already have been trying to rapidly smooth down the rough edges and still ended up failing. Here within is a major problem, once you have to start walking on eggshells and worrying about what you say, trouble is afoot.  Some are nice to me and I don't even realize I have pissed them off just being who I am. This is something I have to change in me, where I no longer seek the approval of others and be careful about who I expose vulnerabilities to. Sadly some of these people I have cared about, but it gets scary when you realize you have failed their expectations. I don't want to be fixed or anyone attempting to fix me anymore. It just hurts. 

 Here is the facts about my life unless God wills a miracle for me, chances are I am not going to have some incredible cure. I have stayed alive far longer then doctors even estimated. I was almost 700lbs at one point in my life and I am one of the few who stepped away from this.

Many people with Lipedema at my stage have trained themselves for years to hide pain to function. This means inside I can be screaming from my legs hurting or even my neck, and say nothing to you with a smile on my face. There is a reason I can be in bed half the day and it's not laziness, it's called pain management.  If someone wants to deem me "selfish" for focusing on health problems too often, sorry I can't help it. Some of us had to become "selfish" to even survive. If they think I go on about my health too much or define myself by it, I write a blog about health problems of course I am going to talk about it. I live in this body. There is still some fun to be had with taking pictures of butterflies or watching a movie but this is my reality. No one should expect me to hide my health problems to love or accept me. Already I hide a lot people do not know about.

 My nurses and doctors have already told me what lies in the future. I wouldn't want my worse enemy to face what I have with these problems and deterioration. The sad thing is too often those who face huge health problems and sickness realize that our culture today says there should be easy fixes. All prayers are good and we all love people praying for us, but no one should have their self worth fixed to the "health" wagon and whether we "recover" [mental or physical].

I was in this self help group for 5 years. It was for many years a very positive and good experience. I did lectures while there and made cards for volunteer projects.  However I noticed a strain of thought in the last year, that deeply concerned me, many people went to this group to have friends to talk to and shared their problems but some people within this group, kept talking about how people were just coming to talk about "their problems" and were not progressing.  Some people were using the group for friendship, what is wrong with that? Here they were influenced too by the self improvement and achievement focus of our culture that is growing worse and I think has been mandated by narcissists who have turned everything into life into a giant check-list of measuring up and "success".

They would say things like this group is meant for people to "move on" and "heal" they were angry people were not solving their problems.  I noticed unless someone had their life steadily improve that there was judgments to be had. It can really bother a person who is down and out to realize some around you are getting angry that you have not fixed your life. That is disturbing on some levels. Here we have the New Age and fantasy delusion beliefs impacting things here where you see more and more that people think bad things happen to people because they are "bad" or that their lives are "bad" because they are.  This ties into the hatred of "victims". Many things lied outside of some people's control like money and health problems. In my opinion, it was wrong to shame people for not "recovering" or "changing" their lives in the way that some judged them on.

 I thought to myself maybe some people just wanted a safe place to come to and share some of their tribulations. The group for some time was a good place to be. They helped me learn about boundaries and overcoming abuse, and in many ways this group was the catalyst in me growing stronger and giving me the ability to break away from my abusive family. The earlier facilitators were kind people as I stated early.

While my depression waxed and waned at different times, I knew it was something I would have to maintain the rest of my life and did in the years before, and they were helpful with this. So I do not regret my time in the group.

This message of recover or else made me sad though, why was everything about people jumping through hoops and why were some so judgmental? Everyone differs even in the mental health world. Some will be able to recover and heal and more power to them while some may have to struggle their whole life and just maintain. I am no longer in this group anymore, but sat and thought about some of these issues.  I disagree and LOATHE this mentality that everyone must be progressing and setting goals and succeeding to be a worthwhile human being to be a valued and loved and acceptable human being. Some of the people who are advancing this stuff, truly WANT to help another person but they can hurt them with this mentality.

Not everyone is going to have easy fixes. Not everything in this world is SOLVABLE. These are some facts that the achievement set ignore. Disabled people know this all too well, that we almost have to overcompensate for our disabilities and appear like we are always brave, smiling and cheerful. Disabled people are seen as "different" and not fitting in. In a world where you are told to "comform" on an endless basis, what does it do? Too many categories of people today are deemed "inferiors".  I am not the first disabled person to be told I am too "negative", or "toxic".

I think the system now being formed in our society is expanding the categories of people who are deemed "inferiors" and "throw-aways", the people who have jumped on the self improvement and achievement wagons have a certain level of health and well-being. You need it especially in this world. Strong social and family support is important too. This is one way society is doing the divide and conquer game, especially here in America, where the social classes are becoming more polarized, racial relations set back by 50 years, and people are divided according to "success" or "non-success". I live in a very affluent community even as a poor person and sometimes it can be very hard. I don't agree with these values. The bankers and 1% are laughing as they make more money and social cohesion breaks up and everyone is running to "keep up with the Jones's" though today it's not just the station wagon in the driveway or the rancher home to keep up with but the personal "achievements" and carrots on the stick as well. In some places, everyone has forgotten how to relax and just "be". Everything is about getting ahead and self improvement. Sorry, but us ACONs are tired of proving ourselves to people. We had enough of that with condemning parents.

What is sad is with many of the measuring sticks today, a great deal of the populace is doomed for failure and the system is designed that way. The achievement people are caught up in this whirlwind, following advertisments--constant ladder climbing brings profit as people buy products that will "enhance" their lives or themselves, media, and oppressive messages and sadly they can not be happy with those who fall off the ladder or even those who threw the ladder on the ground and walked away.

I see this stuff as growing narcissism in our society, where community life is sacrificed on the altar of competition and "proving" yourself. Empathy is affected adversely when one is told achievement is the most important. People who do not heal from a myriad of chronic physical or mental conditions are told they have "failed" and feel even more oppressed and sad. One question to be asked is who are we trying to impress? Must we live life always on the hamster wheel? What is even more disturbing is when you feel like you have to be someone else to please others. Sorry as Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."

Believe in Yourself

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Letting Go

Ah we try, we really do.

So Now Exercise Doesn't Work?

"That’s not a fluke. Our waistlines aren’t expanding because people aren’t exercising intelligently or vigorously enough. You don’t need a new personal trainer, another Insanity workout video or a more aggressive CrossFit regimen. What you need is the truth, and here it is:
Exercise — no matter how many gym memberships you buy or how often you wear your Fitbit — won’t make you lose weight.
The idea that our obesity epidemic is caused by sedentary lifestyles has spread widely over the past few decades, spurring a multibillion-dollar industry that pitches gadgets and gimmicks promising to walk, run and kickbox you to a slim figure. But those pitches are based on a myth. Physical activity has a multitude of health benefits — it reduces the risk of heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and possibly even cancer — but weight loss is not one of them.
A growing body of scientific evidence shows that exercise alone has almost no effect on weight loss, as two sports scientists and I described in a recenteditorial in the British Journal of Sports Medicine. For one, researchers who reviewed surveys of millions of American adults found that physical activity increased between 2001 and 2009, particularly in counties in Kentucky, Georgia and Florida. But the rise in exercise was matched by an increase in obesity in almost every county studied. There were even more striking results in a 2011 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, which found that people who simply dieted experienced greater weight loss than those who combined diet and exercise."
This is an odd admission, so now fat people aren't lazy? You mean you can't burn it off? 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


A picture by me.


I've always loved Ziggy. Ziggy was a more popular comic in the 1970s but it was a very cute and even "gentle" comic.

Perceive, Perceive, Perceive

Were they there?

One wonders if it's just a troll or a narc relative finding the blog?


Definition of perceive:

  1. 1.
    become aware or conscious of (something); come to realize or understand.
    "his mouth fell open as he perceived the truth"
    synonyms:discernrecognize, become aware of, seedistinguishrealizegrasp,understand, take in, make out, findidentify, hit on, comprehend,apprehendappreciatesensedivineMore

  2. 2.
    interpret or look on (someone or something) in a particular way; regard as.
    "if Guy does not perceive himself as disabled, nobody else should"
    synonyms:regard, look on, viewconsider, think of, judgedeemadjudge
    "she was perceived as too negative"

Monday, May 18, 2015

False Expectations

Sometimes that can be a picture handed to us by narcissistic families who tell us that we have to be rich, look a certain way, or have a certain house. The world lies too and gives us false pictures about how life is supposed to be when REALITY is a whole other number. Consumerist society that sells things via false expectations also set people up for depression and disappointment. I think one reason those of us who are chronically ill, especially those from an early age struggle with such deep depression is the picture we are given of what a life is supposed to be and some of us feel the oppression of not having "measured up" for years to years. Stir in a narcissistic family with mean judgments and it's even worse. We can grieve what we wanted so badly to be true. We have to move to the place of "acceptance" somehow. We can pray to God for whatever it is His will to answer, but yes false expectations set one up for disappointment and depression. I worry for young people in our world today they are not told how life really is. Reality hidden under endless illusions, makes for more disappointed and depressed people.

I think my way out of my sadness is throwing off these expectations. It's not my fault I got sick either.

Borderline Personality Disorder

There are many personality disordered people out there. I have never been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Some people would probably put Aspergers on par with one, but Aspergers is a neurological disorder and if anything Aspies seek to be logical even if they are in a melt-down. I describe Aspergers as having a "glass" wall between me and other people. I even drew Budgie with a glass wall in front of her at this "snooty art" opening. That was a panel I was drawing this week. Aspergers can bring what the normal populace considers as "faults" [aloof, "over-intellectualized", too quiet and staid] I envy the neurotypicals their free ability to laugh with one another. Someone has be very close for me to laugh with them. Most of the time in a group I am busy cloaking and or trying not to stim though I may enjoy a stimulating book club conversation on occasion. Life for an Aspie is opposite in many ways of a borderline personality disordered person.

This blog mostly has dealt with narcissists but the borderlines are another matter. Some can be more toxic then others and this depends on how much they lean to the narcissistic wing. With borderlines, there can still be a conscience in there but if they have many narcissistic traits, it can be "limited". We know with narcissism there is a spectrum, I have always admitted this though my blog focuses on the malignant narcissists, this is true of borderline personality too. Some may struggle with borderline traits while some may be extremely borderline.

Since borderline personality disorder is part of the Cluster B category there can be overlap with narcissistic traits. 
Lack of compassion or empathy
The overwhelmingly most commonly mentioned behavior or trait associated with all the Cluster B Personality Disorders is a lack of empathy or compassion.  They seem unmoved by the effect their behavior has on their loved ones other than what is necessary to keep their loved ones engaged and around.  It is as if they were tone deaf or color blind to the feelings and experiences of others.
Is the histrionic the other wing? The way I informally define borderline are those who did not form a clear cut identity so they try on many others. They feel "empty" inside. They seek to use others to give them the identity they lack. In this way they are unable to truly connect with other people.

 One thing I notice about borderlines is many "love bomb" you right when you first meet them, I am often wary of this. Us Aspies having been victims of bullies have to be careful of those who come up to them with a smile on the face and a mallet behind the back ready to knock us out. One way to sum up the personality disordered is they wear "masks". I am not sure why borderlines love bomb so much, but it is one thing I notice in the disorder. To be honest if I feel like someone is love-bombing me, I hold back. I know at times this maybe has made me be too aloof from truly nice people, I have to take time to warm up to someone, but it has saved me trouble with the borderlines when I have first met them.

"If someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder attempts to draw you into a relationship, there is a very simple, concrete way to know it. Pay attention to your stomach. Even though he may initially seem sweet, attentive and empathic, you will likely perceive a subtle tightening in the pit of your abdomen, like a small rock you've suddenly noticed in your shoe-barely noticeable, but there.

Listen to that rock, because it is the voice of instinct, and it's trying to tell you something. Listen to your fear and start scanning for an incoming missile. The Borderline is often a tough target to initially confirm, but close attention to his attitudes and behaviors and an emotional position of calm neutrality can help you confirm his threat-potential. And if Borderline is confirmed, get out of there before it's too late.

But if too late has happened, and you are already involved with a Borderline Controller, you have experienced far more than the pinch of a small stone in your gut. You've been engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite. The hallmark of this pattern is that "just when things seem to be going well," and he is treating you best, he suddenly turns into a perverse version of Air Jordan and you're the ball. Slam-dunked would be a mild way of describing the receiving end of this intensely emotional pounding."

Borderline is hard to define, so let's see the definition above. My personal experiences of borderlines and some did pop up in my life, was they they run hot and cold. They either love you or hate you sometimes even within the same day. Most I noticed seemed to seek chaos. They couldn't handle quiet introspection and always had to be busy, and "running as fast as they can" just like many of the narcissists. A lot struggled with substance abuse disorders. Cutting and self injury is one thing that is known to be rife among borderline personality disorders. Often therapists dread borderlines, I have known some therapists and the patient they most fear are the sociopaths, narcissists and borderlines.

I lived with a borderline roommate for a time. She could be a very nice person but she would go into these rages. It could be something small to set her off and she would run off in a huff. She had those she idealized who turned into instant enemies. For me it was a roller coaster, she and I could be great friends some days but if I was late on a phone bill, I was her arch-enemy from the gates of hell.  She invited two often-drunk Australians traveling America to live with us rent free for two months, and would have me go to the bar and tell me not to let her go home with anyone which I often failed to prevent as she pushed me away when she met her new paramour. After a few times of this, I stopped going to the clubs with her.

I find it too hard to connect to borderlines, their worlds to me are confusing spinning tops. They seem to avoid consistency like the plague. I'm the kind of personality where I need calmness and dependability. Even on the intellectual front, their constant contradictions confuse the heck out of me. They hold views that directly contradict with each other.  The instability of their personalities leak out into their intellectual life where writing two contradictory statements doesn't even faze them. I don't mean borderlines any ill will, but I can't understand them nor relate to them. No friendship for me has ever lasted with a borderline. They are too chaotic. I am too Aspie. Can a Borderline Aspie even exist? I will let the psychologists answer that one. I don't know.

I and an Aspie friend have often talked about borderlines, how they seem to suck up all the attention from a room, and they do get their needs often met. We often have said they are a whirlwind of chaos and they are like the Energizer Bunny, us poor cautious staid Aspies cannot keep up nor do we want to. Some almost seem manic, that is one thing I noticed about borderlines but then they could crash into severe depressions. I never met a borderline who ever went without a boyfriend too long. Just like the narc women attracting all the milquetoast men of the world to be at their feet, I got a feeling that while young men rejected shy me, they went for the "exciting" ones.

Borderlines will always take up for Narcissists. Narcissists are empty personalities and Borderlines are fragmented ones. If you are in a room with a couple borderlines and a narc is anywhere in the area, watch out.  My NM had her borderline helpers who popped up including Aunt Confused who seemed to straddle the narcissist and borderline world. Her homage to narcissists was never ending, while the rest of us were chopped liver. Many Borderlines are notorious in the counseling world for ending up in abusive relationships and probably here they are most likely to end up with sociopaths and narcissists in relationships.  While ACONs in general due to their upbringing can end up in disordered relationships, with borderlines that is a dance of those who share some commonalities.

There may be some Cluster B commonality where they will identify with narcissists. They will identify with them. In fact even out in the world one will see borderlines sympathizing with the narcissists. I believe someone who is Cluster B is going to identify with other Cluster B narcissists and see the disorder in a whole other way then I or many others. Their empathy for ACONs vs the narcissists is nil. 

Did God Choose My Parents?

Smakintosh is right about the Buddhists teach that you are choose to be born to your parents. I also have seen this in the New Age movement. This has to do with "karma" where a soul will suffer for the misdeeds of an "earlier" life in reincarnation. When he speaks of what is born of the physical, I had the thought this is a FALLEN WORLD. I have struggled even thinking about the body I have been born into but our body is not completely "us", there is also all the spirit. I agree the parents had nothing to do with the "spirit you". DNA and biological processes on this planet just create the "flesh". "They give you the body you live in but not the spirit." 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Five Year Old Me Knew

I "rebelled" early on. Imagine drawing a picture like this when you are 5 and 6 years old and knowing you have to hide your sketchbook from "Mommy". I did. I don't think she ever saw this picture because if she did, she would have shredded it and my sketchbook [actually a school notebook I turned into a sketchbook] would have been in the bottom of long ago 1970s trashcan. There are other drawings of my mother in this sketchbook and she is always yelling with a giant oval circle for her mouth and the ever present curly hair. A line across the forehead suggests the anger too.

In my papers, I kept this now 40 year old sketchbook. I had this weird thing where I drew myself as "Lucy" from Peanuts comic strips in this sketchbook.  My ability to read early came from Peanuts comics and they formed kind of an escape hatch for me. Here I drew the Peanuts gang playing baseball.

Maybe it was a way to find an identity of some sort at the time. There are cute pictures in it where I am playing with Charlie Brown who appears in place for my brother. Linus shows up too as another brother "replacement" on some pages.

 There is an especially poignant one with a favorite teacher from that year. Sorry it is so light, but I know that teacher showed me love and care. Teachers can make a difference in young people's lives. This teacher gave me some esteem based in schoolwork and learning. This would be a life long positive thing in my life.  She definitely had to be a good teacher to form a bond with a little Aspie. As you can see both are smiling and no one is yelling.

 I used to show this sketchbook to therapists, it has some disturbing pictures in there especially for a little kid to draw.  It probably has around 30 pages so here I am only showing a few. My work as an art therapist gave me interesting analysis too of this sketchbook years later and I plan to post some other pictures from it. You can see "Lucy" above sticking her tongue out and saying "Your Bad" which is supposed to be "You are bad". I was an art teacher long enough to know most young children will draw "I love mommy" pictures, but then abused ones will draw their own kind of pictures too. Art was my escape very early on.

An Accurate Measure of Mental Health ISN'T Lack of Anger

An Accurate Measure of Mental Health ISN'T Lack of Anger

"Feelings are not good or bad in a moral sense. They just are. It is what we do with them that enters the moral sphere. We are accountable for our behaviors. What I have noticed after having lived this long is how often people are ready to instantly condemn you if you feel angry. Anger is one of those emotions considered to be always wrong in many people's estimation. They don't say this outright, but it comes out in how they address you and your anger. You need to get past it. You need to forgive. You need to forget about it. Move on. Etcetera ad nauseum. Never mind that your anger is an appropriate reaction to a gross injustice. Get over it. Why? Because they are uncomfortable with it? How narcissistic of them.

I've talked before about emotions vs. behaviors and how, no matter what our emotions are, we must behave in a moral way. Being angry is not justification for doing wrong by someone else. I am trying to get to something else so I won't go into more detail on this aspect.

What I want to get to is how do you know if you are in a healthy place in your head? How do you know, for yourself, that you are not letting your anger ruin your life? 

You have the psychobabblers and do-gooder Christian types clucking their tongues if you happen to show a flash of anger when talking about the narcissist. They immediately assume that you are not progressed yet to a place of 'healing' if, when talking about the evil narcissist and her evil acts perpetrated on your own life (which likely has ongoing effects on your life and is therefore a crime in progress), you dare display your outrage. People are afraid of our anger. Why? One reason is because they are sloppy thinkers. They think that our anger is the problem when the real problem is the monster who inflicts pain every chance they get. Our anger is an appropriate response to their inappropriate behavior. If the tongue-cluckers insist we should not let ourselves feel an appropriate emotion then they are, in reality, insisting we become like the narcissist--pretending our way through life and denying what we feel. I'm not going there for anyone."

The blogger above is right about anger. Denying our feelings is no path to mental health. I know one thing that she talks about which I struggle with is acceptance. In my mind there is a picture of what my family should have been, and of course my adoption possibilities play into this, where I think why didn't I get one ally or person like me. The other day I told my husband, "None of them were like me, how did I get stuck with this bunch!?" The fantasy of them ever saying "We are sorry" or treating me like a human being must be laid to rest. Anger is a natural emotion in response to abuse. There is nothing "wrong" with righteous anger. It is what you do with it that counts.

She is right the people who tell us we are wrong to feel angry are telling us to become like the narcissists and what the narcissists themselves demanded. Perfect smiles, no rocking the boat and giving positive narcissistic supply. 

A Post Secret Every ACON Can Relate To:

Found on Pinterest

Still No Cure Yet

This Pamphlet is at least 75 years old and they are not any closer to a real cure for obesity. Unlike some fat activists, I am fine with a SAFE cure that would work without damage to bodily organs like WLS, or the endless failures of dieting.


Joan S. at Afraid of My Shadow blog wrote this good post:

One sentence jumped out at me:

"There is no way to explain evil anyway.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fraud. "

So many of us face their brainwashing. That my narcissistic mother was all good, knowing, popular, rich and more and I was everything that was wrong and it seemed the world backed this up giving her rewards after rewards while I was left empty handed. Back then I simply didn't know how evil worked. Evil was telling a little child to submit their conscience to a woman who didn't have one. There was always excuses and explanations for evil from these folks too. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

How Did I Get Here?

"Once In A Lifetime"

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Please Pray For Me: Medical Appointment

Today I find out if the kidney lesion is anything worse, then a kidney cyst. Hopefully that is all it is. This is not my first cancer or "you are going to die" scare!

 If I have cancer, I don't believe in chemo--it would be guaranteed to take my little of smidgen of hearing away. Maybe I'll just drink some sour sop tea and hope for the best. Don't take this unless you have cancer and even then investigate it, there are side effects that can be serious. The white coats scare me, hospitals and near death has given me too much PTSD. It's good I get the house call doctors, I feel more safe at home. It seems every spring and fall, when the weather is good outside enough for me to breathe, I am tortured by seeing "the specialists" such as the kidney doctor I'm supposed to see today. I already consider it the bad new's office with the slew of giant kidney stones trying to take me over.

 There is a point where you think, "I have suffered enough". I would skip the appointment because I think it would better not to know if I do have tumors growing inside me.  What will I do about it? My husband is upset and wants me to go and "not give up". He won't hear of me skipping this appointment. I feel bad telling him I feel like I am losing now when it comes to the health. He literally talked me into going. This is the doctor that deals with my kidney stones so it's not like I can ignore this doctor forever.

 If I can't even get an MRI done properly, radiation and other tables aren't going to fit. Hopefully I am worried for nothing. Usually people with autoimmune disorders up the whazoo don't get cancer.